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Five-Minute "The Shipment"

by Zeke

Reptile Xindi: Now it's done? Do you realize how late this is?
Degra: Planet-destroying weapons are very complicated and time-consuming to build. Even the Empire took six years.
Reptile Xindi: Well, at least you're ready now. We will test the weapon on my mother-in-law's planet!
Degra: Umm... actually, we still need one more shipment of kemocite.
Reptile Xindi: Then hurry up and order it. She's coming to visit next week, and I'd rather not have to destroy my planet.

Reed: We've arrived at the Xindi weapons plant.
Archer: Weapons plant? What are you talking about?
Sato: Remember last week, sir? My friendly telepathic stalker gave us the coordinates.
Archer: I don't remember anything like that! Am I... could I be losing my memory?
T'Pol: That would never happen. It's more likely you're just not used to our new serialization policy yet.
Archer: Well, if there is a Xindi weapons plant, we'd better prune it. Mr. Reed, find out which MACO's turn it is today and tell him to join us in the launch bay.
Reed: Aye sir. We should be fine as long as it isn't --

Major Hayes: This'll be a fun mission, don't you think?
Reed: Shut up shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP!
Archer: Shh, Malcolm. I'm trying to disguise our sensor readings as a meteor's, and it won't work if we don't sound like one.
Hayes: You should have consulted the ship's weatherman. Get it? Meteorology?
Reed: Must... control... rage... wait till... no witnesses....

Archer: They sure have a lot of canisters of this stuff we've never heard of. Let's beam one aboard.
T'Pol: (over the comm) I've talked to you about that habit of yours!
Archer: Oh, calm down. This is just raw material, like Trellium-D. Nice and safe. Besides, how dangerous can it be if it's used in weapons manufacture?
Reed: In my professional opinion, sir: not a bit.
T'Pol: Every day I have a new reason to wonder why I resigned from the Vulcan Science Directorate.

Archer: All right, let's discuss strategy. Clearly we can't just blow the place up yet....
Reed: What? Why?
Hayes: Obviously we need to gather information first. Right, sir?
Archer: Right.
Hayes: Hear that, Reed? I'm right.
Reed: Oh, yes. You're right. You're dead right....

Gralik: Home sweet home. Nothing like coming home after a hard day's -- AAAA!
Archer: Night?
Gralik: I was going to say "work," but I was distracted by the armed aliens in my house.
Archer: Aliens? Where? ...Ohhh, I get it. That's embarrassing. Anyway, hands up.
Hayes: (Pssst... Reed, shouldn't your gun be pointed at the Xindi, not at me?)
Reed: (I like it fine riiight where it is.)

Archer: Where are you sending the weapon materials? Talk!
Gralik: What weapon materials? All we make here is kemocite. It has a million uses.
Archer: Oh yeah? And who are you sending it to?
Gralik: The Xindi Human Genocide Club, mostly. I assume they use it as an air freshener.

Archer: I'm going to keep interrogating Mr. Perceptive here. You two go stand watch in the forest.
Hayes: Oh, I can handle that myself, sir. I'm an excellent outdoorsman.
Reed: What? You couldn't track a skunk on snowshoes.
Hayes: I'll have you know I killed me a bar when I was only three!
Reed: Anyone can drink that much! But I --
Archer: Boys, boys, I'm sure you're both real Davy Cochranes. Just get out there and guard.
Reed: Sorry, sir. We'll stay professional. (First one to catch a rabbit gets to wear the coonskin cap!)
Hayes: (You're on!)

Gralik: I'm reasonably sorry about your planet, but there's no way my kemocite was responsible.
Archer: Oh yeah? Then explain... THIS!
Gralik: A piece of metal?
Archer: Metal from the probe that trashed Earth! See what's written on it?
Gralik: "Made with genuine Sloth Guy kemocite." Oh no! I had no idea!
Archer: Bet you didn't know that reptile Xindi write in green crayon, either.

Tucker: (over the comm) The kemocite in this canister matches our scans of the probe.
Archer: Which was roughly ball-shaped, wasn't it? We should investigate the water polo applications.
Tucker: ...Right. Speakin' of investigating, I just remembered the Xindi rifle we got weeks ago. Can I investigate that?
Archer: As a second priority, I suppose.

Reed: I'd like to congratulate you, sir. Only some number of months into our mission, you've found a key part of the Xindi's plan and thus given me something really big to blow up.
Archer: You already had things to blow up. Just yesterday you blew up a solar system when I forgot to lock your console.
Reed: The more the better. But what will we do about Gralik? We can't leave a witness.
Archer: Well, we can't kill him either. I didn't pay the kill bill last month and they cut me off. By the way, why are you two wearing half a coonskin cap each?
Hayes: We caught the same rabbit.

Phlox: AAAAA! Don't kill me!
Tucker: What? No, I want you to look at this rifle. I think it has biolowhatsical components.
Worm Inside Rifle: You'd better believe it.
Phlox: Ahhh, I see how this works. The worm attracts fish, which enter the gun and are converted to energy for the gun to fire.
Tucker: Brilliant! Why didn't humans ever think of that?

Gralik: I can't believe Degra was making weapons with our kemocite. We Xindi have always been a peaceful race... even our massive thermonuclear interspecies civil war was fought with peacekeeper missiles.
Archer: Is that how your planet got destroyed?
Gralik: And the avian Xindi with it.
Archer: Oh, for Pete's sake. First there's a fourth state of matter, then a fifth Ninja Turtle, and now a sixth Xindi species. When will this sequel madness end?
Gralik: Not before Star Wars: Episode 7, I hope.

T'Pol: (over the comm) Captain, a reptile Xindi ship is approaching.
Archer: Oh no! What do we do? What do we do?
T'Pol: Well, my idea was to ask the captain for orders, but I guess that's out.

Reed: Looks like two reptilians and a humanoid. I'm not sure what they're saying....
Hayes: Pass me the binoculars, I can read lips.
Archer: Really? I guess he's beating you in that category, Malcolm.
Reed: N--no he isn't! I can read lips too. I'll prove it. The lead reptilian is saying... let's see... "I am displeased at the long delay. Please..." er... "brick up the place"?
Archer: Uh huh. Give him the binoculars.

Sloth Employee: What do you mean, sir?
Reptile Xindi:The buildings would look better with brick walls. Start building. And pick up the pace while you're at it.

Phlox: I've been testing radiation on those rifle worms. Delta radiation kills them, while Deltan radiation makes them reproduce like rabbits in decon.
Tucker: I think we'll stick with delta. Did you try antimatter radiation?
Phlox: I was about to, but some red-haired woman showed up with a huge phase pistol-looking thing and demanded I stop.

Reed: Sir! Two Xindi are coming! And I saw them first!
Hayes: Don't believe him, Captain! I did!
Archer: Crazy idea, gentlemen: let's hide first and then debate this.
Reed: You're right, sir. It is a crazy idea.

Gralik: There will be more of them coming. You'd better decide what to do.
Archer: They'll probably bring a key next time... is there anywhere else we could go?
Gralik: We could head out into the forest, but they'll probably send cute little flying robot drones out there after us.
Archer, Reed, and Hayes: Into the forest!

Tucker: Okay, I'm gonna test out the rifle.
T'Pol: Attempting to fire an alien weapon without even consulting the weapons officer is unwise even for --
Tucker: Just bear with me, okay?
T'Pol: Mr. Tucker, I already bare with you more often than I'd like.

Sloth Employee: We can't find Gralik. He probably knows you're going to yell at him.
Reptile Xindi: We don't have time for this. Release the cute little flying robot drones!
Degra: They might sound more intimidating if we gave them a cool name like "seekers." Something Star Warsy.
Reptile Xindi: What is it with you other Xindi species and Star Wars?

Hayes: The drones are still pursuing!
Archer: Blast! How do they keep finding -- wait, what's that music?
Reed: Oh, that's my new theme song. I decided a legendary woodsman like myself ought to have one.
Theme Song: Malcolm Reed was a man... Yes, a biiiiig man....
Gralik: That would explain it. Our cute little flying robot drones have audio sensors.
Archer: And they're coming towards that song? Why couldn't they have been programmed with some taste?

Gralik: We'll be safe in this cave for now.
Archer: Good. Then Mr. Reed and I have time to discuss his aim.
Reed: I just couldn't bring myself to shoot down those cute drones, sir.
Archer: (sigh) Right. Mr. Hayes, you're on watch. Malcolm, you stay here and picture yourself killing Bambi until you get used to it.

Tucker: Three... two... one... fire!
Worm Inside Rifle: Hmm let's see no. Initiating overload.
Tucker: Oops. Um, T'Pol, which way to the transporter?
T'Pol: Wouldn't it be simpler if I put a force field around you to contain the explosion?
Tucker: Gee, somehow I don't like that idea.
Phlox: Now now, Mr. Tucker, I think it has some merit....

Archer: I have a plan to get us out of this mess, but we'll need your help.
Gralik: Then you'll trust me after all?
Archer: More than I trust the Dueling Machos to guard us.

Archer: ...and that's the plan.
T'Pol: (over the comm) While I am impressed that you came up with something more complicated than a road sign unassisted, do you realize that this plan involves neither destroying the compound nor killing anyone?
Archer: What are you getting at?
T'Pol: Have you explained the plan to Mr. Reed?
Archer: Whoa! Good point. I'd better add another step where he gets to shoot at spotted owls or something.

Sloth Employee: Where were you? The reptilians are really mad.
Gralik: I'm not responsible for their sanity. Listen, we need to run test 3J on this shipment again.
Sloth Employee: The filibusteron sweep? If you say so.

Sato: The tracking device for the canister is in place.
T'Pol: Good. Beam it down.
Sato: Are you sure we can't keep it? I know it's just a canister, but we've grown really close since we started working together.
T'Pol: You knew you weren't supposed to get attached.
Sato: Well, you should at least look it in the eye before you send it back to those awful Xindi!
T'Pol: We don't have time for that. But if you want to, you can hold its hand while it's being transported....

Reptile Xindi: What do you mean the tests aren't done yet? I WILL DROWN YOU IN MY OWN BLOOD!
Gralik: It's because you put so many employees on brick-building duty! And -- hey, wait. Your own blood?
Reptile Xindi: Yes.
Gralik: Wouldn't that hurt? A lot?
Reptile Xindi: Yes, but I wouldn't be the one drowning, would I?

Archer: There's the canister. I'll go slip it aboard the Xindi ship.
Hayes: Remind me again why we couldn't beam it directly there?
Archer: Heheh. You young MACOs and your questions.

Gralik: Well, your shipment's ready to go. What are you going to use it for, anyway?
Reptile Xindi: Air fresheners. Which we will throw at a hostile alien race.
Gralik: Ah. That's good to -- HOLY SHRAP! Look over there! It's not a human sneaking off your ship!
Degra: By golly, he's right!
Reptile Xindi: Indeed he is. I am impressed.

Reed: It does not! You just can't read his handwriting!
Hayes: It does so and you know it!
Archer: I'm back. What's going on, you two?
Reed: We're arguing about whether Step 4 of the plan says "Reed kills Hayes" or "Hayes kills Reed."
Archer: It says "Reptile Xindi ship leaves orbit."
Hayes: Easily misread.

T'Pol: The ship has departed, Captain.
Sato: (sob) Farewell... sweet canister....
Archer: (over the comm) Good. Well done, team. By the way, where did you hide the ship?
T'Pol: In Daniels' quarters. It's amazing what fits in there.

Archer: Hate to say it, but we've lost the tracking signal. So this was all pretty much for nothing. Sorry.
Gralik: Actually, Captain, I'm glad. It's a great relief that I didn't betray my people to help competent hostile aliens.
Archer: Well, goodbye, and thanks again. You've taught us that not all Xindi are evil.
Gralik: And you've taught me that some theme songs are.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on January 4, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, Zeke.