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Paneldemonium, Part 1

by Zeke

An incursion of Time Travel Week

(Theme music of some sort.)

Host: Hi, and welcome to the Late Late Early Late Early Show!

(Applause from the audience members, who are robots with hands programmed only to clap.)

Host: Thanks, you're too kind. With us today we have four very special guests. First, there's Kevin Costner....

Zeke: No there isn't.

Host: Right up until you said that, they might have believed me. Way to go, you son of a blatch. I've lost them for good now.


Host: Anyway, this is our first guest, Zeke.

Zeke: Star of stage and screen.

Host: Whatever. Next, we have Colonel Ki--

Kira: Oh no you don't! It's just Kira! Kira, God damn you! (starts whaling on the host)

IJD: Uh oh. I think he's dead.


Zeke: Great, Kira. You've killed the host. Now what do we do?

Marc: We could clap. It seems popular around here.

Kira: Hmm... would you guys excuse me for a minute? Bloodstains, ya know.

Marc: While she's gone, we may as well get the panel discussion going. Zeke, you want to weigh in first?

Zeke: 150 pounds on a good day.

Marc: Fine, I'll start. To begin with, I've always believed that the separation issue is highly distorted by --

IJD: Separation issue?

Zeke: Marc, are you talking provincial politics again?

Marc: If you have a better idea of what we're supposed to talk about, I'd like to hear it.

Zeke: Pie.

Kira: That's your answer to everything. I'm back, by the way.

IJD: I thought we were just discussing panels.

Marc: Welcome back, Kira. Do you have any thoughts on the matter?

Kira: What's the matter?

Marc: Nothing. I'm fine.

Kira: No, I mean, what's this "the matter" you're talking about?

IJD: I've always been partial to cedar, myself.

Marc: I mean the topic of discussion. Which could actually be pie for all we know.

Zeke: (glaring) Way to kill the host, Kira.

Kira: Thank you, I thought so.

Marc: Let's be sensible here. The audience should know what the topic is, right?


Zeke & Kira: Thank you! Thank you! (bowing)

Marc: Egos that big are required by law to be kept on leashes, you know.

IJD: Because cedar has that whole cedar smell thing going on.

Kira: Is IJD trying to say something? He seems slower than usual.

Marc: That's hard to believe.


Marc: What? Can't I be mean sometimes too?

Zeke: No. Can we get back on topic?

Kira: We don't know what the topic is!

IJD: Not to mention the cedar look. Oo, baby.

Kira: Okay, I really think something's wrong with him.

Marc: Maybe something's wrong with YOU.

Zeke: Marc, just give it up. You can't be mean and you know it.

Marc: (sulking) Masticate me.

Kira: I think he's been temporally slowed down. Like "Wink of an Eye," but the other way.

Zeke: Oh, that's just great! HE gets to do the nasty with some kind of hyperaccelerated queen alien now!

Kira: I said "the other way."

Zeke: You mean it's a king alien? Okay, jealousy withdrawn.

IJD: Like cedar-patterned wallpaper. Or mirrors painted over with some kind of cedar paint.

Kira: I'm worried about him. And I bet we'd detect chronoton particles if we had tricorders.

Marc: I have one.

Zeke: That's a spoon.

Marc: I'm going back to sulking now.

Zeke: Whatever. I think we need to ot deen ew kniht I .revetahW :ekeZ

Kira: That was very disturbing.

Zeke: What?tahW :ekeZ

Kira: That.tahT :ariK

:ekeZ ....parc hO

IJD: In conclusion, I like cedar.



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This was originally published on June 24, 2002

DISCLAIMER: Yes, we know we're breaking a few copyrights. It's okay because we're insane. Which reminds us, cabbages roam freely in the twilight.

All material © 2002, Colin Hayman.