Paneldemonium, Part 1
An incursion of Time Travel Week
(Theme music of some sort.)
Host: Hi, and welcome to the Late Late Early Late Early Show!
(Applause from the audience members, who are robots with hands programmed only to clap.)
Host: Thanks, you're too kind. With us today we have four very special guests. First, there's Kevin Costner....
Zeke: No there isn't.
Host: Right up until you said that, they might have believed me. Way to go, you son of a blatch. I've lost them for good now.
Host: Anyway, this is our first guest, Zeke.
Zeke: Star of stage and screen.
Host: Whatever. Next, we have Colonel Ki--
Kira: Oh no you don't! It's just Kira! Kira, God damn you! (starts whaling on the host)
IJD: Uh oh. I think he's dead.
Zeke: Great, Kira. You've killed the host. Now what do we do?
Marc: We could clap. It seems popular around here.
Kira: Hmm... would you guys excuse me for a minute? Bloodstains, ya know.
Marc: While she's gone, we may as well get the panel discussion going. Zeke, you want to weigh in first?
Zeke: 150 pounds on a good day.
Marc: Fine, I'll start. To begin with, I've always believed that the separation issue is highly distorted by --
IJD: Separation issue?
Zeke: Marc, are you talking provincial politics again?
Marc: If you have a better idea of what we're supposed to talk about, I'd like to hear it.
Kira: That's your answer to everything. I'm back, by the way.
IJD: I thought we were just discussing panels.
Marc: Welcome back, Kira. Do you have any thoughts on the matter?
Kira: What's the matter?
Marc: Nothing. I'm fine.
Kira: No, I mean, what's this "the matter" you're talking about?
IJD: I've always been partial to cedar, myself.
Marc: I mean the topic of discussion. Which could actually be pie for all we know.
Zeke: (glaring) Way to kill the host, Kira.
Kira: Thank you, I thought so.
Marc: Let's be sensible here. The audience should know what the topic is, right?
Zeke & Kira: Thank you! Thank you! (bowing)
Marc: Egos that big are required by law to be kept on leashes, you know.
IJD: Because cedar has that whole cedar smell thing going on.
Kira: Is IJD trying to say something? He seems slower than usual.
Marc: That's hard to believe.
Marc: What? Can't I be mean sometimes too?
Zeke: No. Can we get back on topic?
Kira: We don't know what the topic is!
IJD: Not to mention the cedar look. Oo, baby.
Kira: Okay, I really think something's wrong with him.
Marc: Maybe something's wrong with YOU.
Zeke: Marc, just give it up. You can't be mean and you know it.
Marc: (sulking) Masticate me.
Kira: I think he's been temporally slowed down. Like "Wink of an Eye," but the other way.
Zeke: Oh, that's just great! HE gets to do the nasty with some kind of hyperaccelerated queen alien now!
Kira: I said "the other way."
Zeke: You mean it's a king alien? Okay, jealousy withdrawn.
IJD: Like cedar-patterned wallpaper. Or mirrors painted over with some kind of cedar paint.
Kira: I'm worried about him. And I bet we'd detect chronoton particles if we had tricorders.
Marc: I have one.
Zeke: That's a spoon.
Marc: I'm going back to sulking now.
Zeke: Whatever. I think we need to ot deen ew kniht I .revetahW :ekeZ
Kira: That was very disturbing.
Zeke: What?tahW :ekeZ
Kira: That.tahT :ariK
:ekeZ ....parc hO
IJD: In conclusion, I like cedar.
TO BE CONTINUED....
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Comments? Complaints? Contact Zeke.
DISCLAIMER: Yes, we know we're breaking a few copyrights. It's okay because we're insane. Which reminds us, cabbages roam freely in the twilight.
All material © 2002, Colin Hayman.