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Sleapers, Part 4

by Derek Dean

A manifestation of Alternate Universe Week

Marc: I didn't think the vortex could take more than four people with us.

Kira: Maybe it's because we used an annotated copy of Ulysses.

Zeke: You brought the hostage with us? What good can he possibly do us here?

IJD: Having a Sheriff as a hostage could be an extremely helpful bargaining chip.

Zeke: But we're on a different world! And he might not even be a Sheriff on this world. He might just be some loser who practically lives on the internet and makes bad math jokes.

Kira: Speaking of this world, I wonder what the single defining characteristic of this world is.

Zeke: Maybe it'll be pie!

Kira, IJD, and Marc: Groan.

Zeke: What?

Kira: It was cute the first forty-seven times you said that, but this is the forty-seven hundredth.

Zeke: There's no way you could possibly have kept track of that.

Kira: Sure there is. I made a small blue mark on my skin everytime you said that, then when I ran out of skin, I started marking IJD and Marc.

Zeke: Wait, are you telling me that the three of you aren't naturally blue-skinned?

Dean: Groan.

IJD: We already did that.

Dean: Huh? You four? How did you get out? Where am I? Why won't my arms move?

Zeke: Does this remind anyone else of that world where everyone spoke in questions?

Marc: Are you asking me?

Kira: Why do you think he'd be asking you?

IJD: Is that tree over there a cedar?

Dean: Stop that. I ought to bring all four of you up on charges of battery for throwing that metal object at me.

Marc: Would those be positive or negative charges?

Kira: Um, I don't know how to tell you this, but you've sleaped with us into another dimension.

Dean: So you do know how to tell me this.

Kira: Uh, yeah, I guess I do.

Dean: I must tell you that in our culture, what you've done would be considered a crime.

Marc: Crime?

IJD: Please don't arrest us, Sheriff Dean!

Dean: Arrest you? That world was as boring as a mole!

Zeke: Moles aren't boring.

Kira: He means boring as in tunnelling.

Zeke: I knew that.

Marc: Well, I guess you'll have to come with us. Why don't you tell us a little about yourself, Sheriff.

Derek: Call me Derek. And my story is no different than anyone else's I suppose, except of course for the radioactive pogo stick, but --

Windham: Hey! What are you five doing in the the park?

Zeke: Parking?

Windham: But you're in the middle of the sidewalk! Can't you read the sign?

IJD: "Keep off the sidewalk." Looks like we can.

Marc: But why would they call it a sidewalk if --

Windham: Get off the sidewalk! Do you know what the penalty for being caught on it is?

Zeke, Kira, Marc, and IJD: Death.

Derek: How do you know that?

IJD: The penalty for anything in any alternate universe is always death.

Derek: Ah.

Marc: Except for that one world where the penalty for anything was being sneezed on.

IJD: But even there you could get sneezed to death.

Winham: Would you five stop talking and get off the grass?

(The Sleapers quickly move onto the grass.)

Windham: That's better. Wait, don't I know you?

Marc: Who, us? I doubt it.

Windham: You mean to tell me you aren't Evil Marc?

Zeke: Uh oh.

IJD: Evil Marc?

Kira: Crap. We're in the Mirror Universe.

Marc: I know I might look like Evil Marc, but I assure you, I'm not him.

Windham: You're not fooling me for a second. I recognize all five of you: Evil Marc, Evil Derek, IGAF, Good Kira, and Zuke!

Kira: Good Kira?


Zeke: Gulp. Zuke?


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This was originally published on June 18, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: Yes, we're still breaking a few copyrights. Coincidentally, we're still insane. Now go fetch me my hunting rifle, it's cabbage season.

All material © 2003, Derek Dean.