Ten Little Comedians, Part 4
A decimation of Tenth Anniversary Week
Previously on Ten Little Comedians...
Oh, ha ha, hilarious.
(As Kriegsgräber is accusing the staffers, another man comes in, this one a fatherly-uncle sort.)
Jim: Hey, what's going on here?
Kriegsgräber: These gentlemen are failing to provide a plausible explanation for the circumstantial evidence before us.
Jim: Give 'em a break, would ya? I can vouch for their good character.
Kriegsgräber: Is that so? Well, for the moment... but I shall be watching.
Zeke: Whew! Thanks, Jim. I appreciate --
Jim: (quietly) Save it. Did you kill these people?
Zeke: What? No!
Jim: Okay. Glad to hear it. But I'll be watching.
Zeke: *eyeroll* Some character witness you are.
Scooter: I don't think we've been introduced. Jim...?
Scooter: Fine, don't tell me.
Derek: Oh, you're Fatherly Uncle Jim! Nice to meet you.
Jim: Likewise. You're Zeke's staff, I take it?
Sa'ar: We like to think of it as Zeke being our figurehead.
IJD: I guess Voyagers doesn't count as a real meeting, then?
Zeke: Voyagers isn't canon. Do you want a prison record?
(Jim looks around.)
Jim: Is this everyone?
Zeke: Yeah. Why?
Jim: Zeke, Zeke, Zeke... haven't I taught you anything? Ten years in operation and no fiery red-haired ladies on your team?
Zeke: There are only so many around! You already cut down the field by marrying one!
Jim: (broad smirk) Yep, I guess I did.
Zeke: I think I finally know what the Delta Blues feel like.
Reporter: This just in!
(Everyone looks. The reporter has just burst into the room.)
IJD: This better be brief.
Reporter: There's been another murder! Everyone come contaminate the crime scene!
Zeke: Who was it this time?
Reporter: The Nazi!
Derek: ...You mean the German?
Reporter: Aren't those terms interchangeable? That's how I use them in my reporting.
Scooter: You are a truly terrible model of journalistic ethics.
Reporter: Thanks. It's not easy. I have to go pretty over-the-top to stay ahead of the real world.
(The staffers follow him to another room of the house.)
Jim: Lotta pool tables here.
Reporter: And see? There's the murder weapon!
(He's pointing at a vinyl record covered in blood.)
IJD: I, uh... I guess you could decapitate somebody with it...
Sa'ar: Let's see what album it is. *picks it up*
Reporter: What're you gonna do, read the grooves?
Sa'ar: No, the label.
Scooter: Haven't you ever seen a record before?
Reporter: I'm strictly 21st-century. I thought these things were just something CDs told their kids about to scare them.
Sa'ar: Oh, hey, this is the Beatles' Revolver.
(Derek takes a Petri dish out of his pocket.)
Jim: What's that?
Derek: E. coli.
Derek: When I hear the word "revolver", I reach for my culture.
Sa'ar: Somebody's written "Property of E.R-K." here.
Zeke: Who could that be?
IJD: Regulus Black?
Scooter: Okay, let's take stock of what we know. Someone killed Professor Kriegsgräber in the billiard room with the Revolver...
Zeke: So the clues say.
Kriegsgräber: I beg to differ!
(He's struggling to his feet behind one of the pool tables.)
IJD: You're alive!
Kriegsgräber: I think you mean "how".
Scooter: No, seriously, why?
Derek: And why aren't you bleeding?
Zeke: And why didn't we wonder where your corpse was?
Reporter: And why did none of us notice this corpse?
Zeke: Whoa, another one!
(This poor blighter has indeed been decapitated. He's also wearing a belt full of tools.)
Derek: A carpenter, I guess?
Zeke: No. Look closer. Those are all handsaws.
Jim: Huh. What's that about?
Zeke: (grimly) It means he was an expert on saw. But that's impossible.
Scooter: You mean an expert on saws.
Derek: Or sawing.
Zeke: It's close enough. But I've only been thinking about doing the Saw movies! They don't have a subsite yet!
Kriegsgräber: *perks up* What's this? Are you aware of some pattern in the guests?
Zeke: Oops. I mean no! Of course not!
Kriegsgräber: You mentioned a "subsite"...
Zeke: Subsidy! I was surprised this guy didn't have a government subsidy for his business!
Sa'ar: It's an outrage.
Jim: Oh, that's baloney. Subsidize everything and you just get a nanny state.
IJD: But the government is supposed to be there to help out the little guy!
Jim: That just keeps little guys from getting big!
Zeke: I'm with Jim on this one. We can't be bailing out every headless carpenter who comes along.
Derek: Surely there's room for a middle ground.
Scooter: We don't fund him, but we don't decapitate him either?
Derek: Or we fund him a little and lop off an arm or something.
Kriegsgräber: Mein Gott! This is the most asinine conversation I have ever been privy to!
(He storms out)
Zeke: From a guy who probably spends all his time debating how gay Shakespeare was, that's saying a lot.
Jim: Good job, you guys. That got rid of him right a... awa...
Derek: Three fingers.
Scooter: Two, and an earlobe.
Derek: Okay, but the earlobe is tax-deductible.
Jim: I think maybe I'll storm out too.
Zeke: Speaking of departures, where did Sa'ar go?
IJD: Let's go find him and plan our next move.
Zeke: Agreed. Coming, Jim?
Jim: Maybe later. This reporter just asked me for an interview.
(Zeke leans in to whisper to Jim.)
Zeke: (I know this guy. He's going to quote you so far out of context that even you won't remember what you really said.)
Jim: (That's okay. I'm gonna lie like a drunk Ferengi.)
(The staffers leave in search of Sa'ar.)
Derek: Something's bothering me here. What's Jim an expert on?
Zeke: Voyager, of course.
Derek: Then what about you?
Zeke: Well, my invitation just said "parodies"...
Derek: But everyone else is a subsite. You must correspond to one of them.
Zeke: Then what about Enterprise?
Scooter: No, I met the expert on enterprise. He's a business consultant of some sort.
Zeke: *shrug* Maybe The OC?
(A surfer dude walks up out of nowhere.)
Surfer Dude: This is a great party. Isn't this a great party?
Zeke: Maybe not.
Chaff: Don't even start thinking about BSG.
Scooter: Didn't you die?
Chaff: If that's a crack about my reviewing delays, you people can hardly talk.
Zeke: What? No. We saw your corpse!
Chaff: Then you were seeing things. I'm obviously not dead.
IJD: Like you'd know! You weren't even there! *pauses, confused*
Chaff: Whatever. All of this has happened before, and all of it will happen again. I just wanted to remind you that I'm the expert on BSG.
Zeke: Right. Thank you.
Chaff: I'm pretty good with hypertext too.
Chaff: Oo, there's the anime girl. Dibs!
Derek: That was... odd.
Scooter: It must be a time paradox! He'll go back in time later in that DeLorean!
Zeke: The past is the future, the future is the past... anyone else getting a headache?
Derek: I suspect so.
TO BE CONTINUED....
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