Ten Little Comedians, Part 4

by Zeke

A decimation of Tenth Anniversary Week

Stegosaurus: ROOOOOAARRRR

Oh, ha ha, hilarious.

Jim: Hey, what's going on here?

Kriegsgräber: These gentlemen are failing to provide a plausible explanation for the circumstantial evidence before us.

Jim: Give 'em a break, would ya? I can vouch for their good character.

Kriegsgräber: Is that so? Well, for the moment... but I shall be watching.

(Kriegsgräber leaves.)

Zeke: Whew! Thanks, Jim. I appreciate --

Jim: (quietly) Save it. Did you kill these people?

Zeke: What? No!

Jim: Really?

Zeke: Yes!

Jim: Okay. Glad to hear it. But I'll be watching.

Zeke: *eyeroll* Some character witness you are.

Scooter: I don't think we've been introduced. Jim...?

Jim: Wright.

Scooter: Fine, don't tell me.

Derek: Oh, you're Fatherly Uncle Jim! Nice to meet you.

Jim: Likewise. You're Zeke's staff, I take it?

Sa'ar: We like to think of it as Zeke being our figurehead.

IJD: I guess Voyagers doesn't count as a real meeting, then?

Zeke: Voyagers isn't canon. Do you want a prison record?

(Jim looks around.)

Jim: Is this everyone?

Zeke: Yeah. Why?

Jim: Zeke, Zeke, Zeke... haven't I taught you anything? Ten years in operation and no fiery red-haired ladies on your team?

Zeke: There are only so many around! You already cut down the field by marrying one!

Jim: (broad smirk) Yep, I guess I did.

Zeke: I think I finally know what the Delta Blues feel like.

Reporter: This just in!

(Everyone looks. The reporter has just burst into the room.)

IJD: This better be brief.

Reporter: There's been another murder! Everyone come contaminate the crime scene!

Zeke: Who was it this time?

Reporter: The Nazi!

Derek: ...You mean the German?

Reporter: Aren't those terms interchangeable? That's how I use them in my reporting.

Scooter: You are a truly terrible model of journalistic ethics.

Reporter: Thanks. It's not easy. I have to go pretty over-the-top to stay ahead of the real world.

(The staffers follow him to another room of the house.)

Jim: Lotta pool tables here.

Reporter: And see? There's the murder weapon!

(He's pointing at a vinyl record covered in blood.)

IJD: I, uh... I guess you could decapitate somebody with it...

Sa'ar: Let's see what album it is. *picks it up*

Reporter: What're you gonna do, read the grooves?

Sa'ar: No, the label.

Scooter: Haven't you ever seen a record before?

Reporter: I'm strictly 21st-century. I thought these things were just something CDs told their kids about to scare them.

Sa'ar: Oh, hey, this is the Beatles' Revolver.

(Derek takes a Petri dish out of his pocket.)

Jim: What's that?

Derek: E. coli.

Jim: ...Why?

Derek: When I hear the word "revolver", I reach for my culture.

Sa'ar: Somebody's written "Property of E.R-K." here.

Zeke: Who could that be?

IJD: Regulus Black?

Scooter: Okay, let's take stock of what we know. Someone killed Professor Kriegsgräber in the billiard room with the Revolver...

Zeke: So the clues say.

Kriegsgräber: I beg to differ!

(He's struggling to his feet behind one of the pool tables.)

IJD: You're alive!

Scooter: Why?

Kriegsgräber: I think you mean "how".

Scooter: No, seriously, why?

Derek: And why aren't you bleeding?

Zeke: And why didn't we wonder where your corpse was?

Reporter: And why did none of us notice this corpse?

Zeke: Whoa, another one!

(This poor blighter has indeed been decapitated. He's also wearing a belt full of tools.)

Derek: A carpenter, I guess?

Zeke: No. Look closer. Those are all handsaws.

Jim: Huh. What's that about?

Zeke: (grimly) It means he was an expert on saw. But that's impossible.

Scooter: You mean an expert on saws.

Derek: Or sawing.

Zeke: It's close enough. But I've only been thinking about doing the Saw movies! They don't have a subsite yet!

Kriegsgräber: *perks up* What's this? Are you aware of some pattern in the guests?

Zeke: Oops. I mean no! Of course not!

Kriegsgräber: You mentioned a "subsite"...

Zeke: Subsidy! I was surprised this guy didn't have a government subsidy for his business!

Sa'ar: It's an outrage.

Jim: Oh, that's baloney. Subsidize everything and you just get a nanny state.

IJD: But the government is supposed to be there to help out the little guy!

Jim: That just keeps little guys from getting big!

Zeke: I'm with Jim on this one. We can't be bailing out every headless carpenter who comes along.

Derek: Surely there's room for a middle ground.

Scooter: We don't fund him, but we don't decapitate him either?

Derek: Or we fund him a little and lop off an arm or something.

Kriegsgräber: Mein Gott! This is the most asinine conversation I have ever been privy to!

(He storms out)

Zeke: From a guy who probably spends all his time debating how gay Shakespeare was, that's saying a lot.

Jim: Good job, you guys. That got rid of him right a... awa...

Derek: Three fingers.

Scooter: Two, and an earlobe.

Derek: Okay, but the earlobe is tax-deductible.

Jim: I think maybe I'll storm out too.

Zeke: Speaking of departures, where did Sa'ar go?

IJD: Let's go find him and plan our next move.

Zeke: Agreed. Coming, Jim?

Jim: Maybe later. This reporter just asked me for an interview.

Reporter: *wink*

(Zeke leans in to whisper to Jim.)

Zeke: (I know this guy. He's going to quote you so far out of context that even you won't remember what you really said.)

Jim: (That's okay. I'm gonna lie like a drunk Ferengi.)

Zeke: (Ah.)

(The staffers leave in search of Sa'ar.)

Derek: Something's bothering me here. What's Jim an expert on?

Zeke: Voyager, of course.

Derek: Then what about you?

Zeke: Well, my invitation just said "parodies"...

Derek: But everyone else is a subsite. You must correspond to one of them.

Zeke: Then what about Enterprise?

Scooter: No, I met the expert on enterprise. He's a business consultant of some sort.

Zeke: *shrug* Maybe The OC?

(A surfer dude walks up out of nowhere.)

Surfer Dude: This is a great party. Isn't this a great party?

(He leaves.)

Zeke: Maybe not.

Chaff: Don't even start thinking about BSG.

Zeke: GAH!

Derek: You!

Scooter: Didn't you die?

Chaff: If that's a crack about my reviewing delays, you people can hardly talk.

Zeke: What? No. We saw your corpse!

Chaff: Then you were seeing things. I'm obviously not dead.

IJD: Like you'd know! You weren't even there! *pauses, confused*

Chaff: Whatever. All of this has happened before, and all of it will happen again. I just wanted to remind you that I'm the expert on BSG.

Zeke: Right. Thank you.

Chaff: I'm pretty good with hypertext too.

Zeke: Okay.

Chaff: Oo, there's the anime girl. Dibs!

(He leaves.)

Derek: That was... odd.

Scooter: It must be a time paradox! He'll go back in time later in that DeLorean!

Zeke: The past is the future, the future is the past... anyone else getting a headache?

(BOOOOOOOOM)

Derek: I suspect so.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Got a comment on this part of "Ten Little Comedians"? Contact Derek.

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