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Virtual Voyagers, Parts 8 and 9

"Fender-Benders of the Realm"

by Zeke

A lightyear of Voyager Week

After our seven-year voyage, quite a few things happened that didn't make it to TV. It all started when we tried to cover that last bit of distance to Earth....

Zeke: Whoa! What just happened?
IJD: We hit a mine! An enemy mine!
(Shaken around, 5MV finally emerges in unfamiliar space.)
Derek: I don't recognize any of these stars. It's like Marc watching MTV!
Zeke: In fairness, it's also like me watching most movies.
Kira: He didn't know who Christopher Lee was. I'm still getting over that one.

We quickly ran into the two species who ruled the so-called Realm we were stuck in. First there were the Sernaix....

Sernaix: You must all DIE! Except that IJD guy. We think he's God.
IJD: Well, it's about time.

Then there were the Ayrenath, your standard wise, aloof aliens with great power and a non-interference credo. We needed their help, so Zeke had to get persuasive.

Zeke: Could you guys please interfere?
Ayrenath: (shrug) What the heck.

We escaped the Realm and even managed to nuke an invading Sernaix fleet in the process. Upon returning home, pretty much all of us were put on trial.

Judge: You are found guilty of gross incompetence. Your sentence: a desk job which will be the first step towards becoming an admiral.
Zeke: Woo hoo!
Derek: I feel a little bad about how the five of us got off so easily, whereas the Five-Minute Exosite's crew were executed.
Kira: Who?

They also retired the ship and made a museum out of it.

Guide: And over here is the famous cargo bay where the Five-Minute Voyager suffered its first casualties: Zeke's GameCube and a bag of cedar cones. No flash photography, please.

I got to work on a new ship that blended elements of every ship ever made. And just in time, too, because the Sernaix invaded again.

Zeke: Can we have the new ship to fight off the Sernaix?
Evil Admiral: (shrug) What the heck. But Kira has to go on a different ship.
Zeke: Tell her to bring her DVDs.

The Sernaix war was long and unnecessary. We won mainly by teaming up with the various races we'd ticked off in the Delta Quadrant. Oh, and Species 8472.

Zeke: How will we ever persuade them to help us?
Marc: Allow me. Hey 8472ers, the Sernaix are weak!
Species 8472: The weak will perish!
Zeke: What happens when they realize the Sernaix aren't weak?
Marc: (putting on sunglasses) We'll be in the one place they'll never find us: Tahiti.
Zeke: I like this plan.

We also got Kira back.

Kira: Thanks. My captain and like 90% of the crew were working for Section 47.
IJD: Why do we know about them again?
Kira: Just go with it.

Finally, we had a similarly unnecessary war with the new, improved Borg Constructive, led by... I swear I'm not making this up... "Ankin Rotor." Fortunately, we got a little help.

Blueberry: Derek, my darling! I'm back!
Derek: You were gone?
Kira: We thought she was dead, remember?
Derek: Oh. Why aren't you?

We won *that* war at a high cost... the life of one of our beloved crewmates.

Random Crewman: Not me, dammit! It's supposed to be IJD!
IJD: Yes, but I'm playing both Paris and Kim here, so I have to be alive to narrate later.
Zeke: Be proud, crewman. You get to die for your friends. Dulce et decorum est.
Random Crewman: I've never even met you! You beamed me in off the street!
Zeke: Well, yeah. Otherwise someone we liked would have died.

And now? Now I'm an Admiral, like my father before me, and his father before him, and so forth all the way back to Admiral FMDID GAD in the American Civil War. I haven't talked to the others lately, but I'm sure if they'd gotten killed or anything, they'd tell me. And thus ends my tale.

IJ5 GAF: Tell us another one, Gramps!

Okay. Once upon a time, there were five interdimensional travelers who, by complete coincidence, matched up perfectly with the five people I've been talking about. One day they landed in a futuristic universe and decided to find new roles to play....


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The code word for this Easter egg is "Ovinoculatron."

Got a comment on this part of "Voyagers"? Contact the author, Zeke.

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This egg was originally published on June 4, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: What are you talking about? Resemblance to any Paramount series or virtual season, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Yep. Honest. Um, we have to go now.

All material © 2005, Zeke.