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Voyagers, Part 6

"The Zero Matrix"

by Derek Dean

A lightyear of Voyager Week

[Unimatrix Zero]

Blueberry: Hi, Derek.


Marc: I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure it was just a dream.
Derek: But it was this giant blueberry!
Marc: Fine, fine. I'll monitor your dreams.
Derek: And that's supposed to make me feel better?

[Unimatrix Zero]

Blueberry: Hi, Derek.
Derek: It's only a dream. It's just a dream.
Blueberry: No, it's not.
Derek: Crap.
Blueberry: We need your help. You are our last, best hope for peace.
Derek: Been thinking up that one long?
Blueberry: No, not really.

[Briefing Room]

IJD: Haven't we had too many Borg plots this year?
Derek: IJD, you can have a lot of Borg plots, and a few Borg plots, but you can never have too many Borg plots.
Marc: I agree. As long as there are sufficient Marc episodes, I think we should have a good helping of Borg episodes.
Derek: Thank you, Marc.
Marc: No problem, Derek.
Derek: So, anyway, I was told that when I was Five of Five, I went to this magical dreamland place and hung out with other cool Borg, but now the Borg Queen is aware of them and so they need our help to save them. They said we were their last, best hope for peace and -- Am I babbling?
Zeke: Babble on, Five.
Derek: Do you think we can help them?
Zeke: Well, only if I can see this Unimatrix Zero for myself. IJD, do a mind meld.
IJD: First, it's a mind bridge, not a mind meld. Second, I'm not a Vulcan.
Zeke: Oh come on. Any good Classic Trek fan should be able to mimic any Vulcan procedure.
IJD: Sigh.

[Unimatrix Zero]

IJD: My mind to your minds. Your thoughts to my thoughts.
Derek: Welcome to Unimatrix Zero.
Zeke: Hey, if IJD is doing the meld, shouldn't he be here?
Derek: Meh, he's probably somewhere else making fun of the Klingons for their forehead ridges.
Zeke: Why don't you have your Borg devices on you anymore? And why are you wearing a dress?
Derek: It's called residual self-image -- A dress? Just whose residual self-image is this?
(Derek morphs to look more like Neo.)
Derek: See? There is no spoon.
Zeke: I don't see what tricorders have to do with anything.
Blueberry: Hey, Derek and Zeke. Can you help us with our imaginary world?
Zeke: I'd love to. First, I think you could use a few more trees over here, they're not symmetrical. Second, you should make the sky purple with pink polkadots. Third, pie.
Blueberry: I meant help protecting it from the Queen.
Zeke: Er, yes. Well, I think we can help there too.
People: AAAAH! It's the Borg!
Borg: AAAAH! It's us!
Zeke: I wish I had a Hammer of Smiting.
Zeke: Finally.


Zeke: That was awesome! It was just like the Matrix and I was Neo!
Derek: Dude, I was Neo. You're, like, Morpheus or something.
IJD: Derek's Neo. Just listen to the way he talks.
Zeke: Whatever. So I think we need to help these Borg form a resistance. Thoughts?
Kira: Sure. But if this fails, I'm putting a scorpion in your quarters.
Zeke: Fair enough. Marc, you need to make a magical drug we can give the Borg.
Marc: Are you kidding? I already finished it.
Zeke: Excellent. Derek, sleep.
Derek: Ack! Borg sleeping routine. Must... Resist.... Snore. Snore. Snore.

[Unimatrix Zero]

Blueberry: Hi, Derek. Can't talk. There are Borg all around.
Derek: We're all Borg.
Blueberry: You know what I mean. Why I was ever attracted to you is more than I can imagine.
Derek: Er, what?
Blueberry: Heh. Just ignore that last part. Or better yet, don't.
Derek: No, I think I will. Bye.
Blueberry: Crap.


Zeke: So basically I think I need to get myself assimilated.
Derek: WHAT?
Zeke: I'm tired of having you always be the cool Borg person. I want to be a cool Borg person too.
IJD: Me too!
Kira: Me three!
Derek: Are you all insane?
Marc: You've been aboard three years and you're only just figuring that out?

[Unimatrix Zero]

Derek: We're going to free all of you from the Collective.
Blueberry: Woohoo!
Derek: And I'm not interested in you.
Blueberry: Booooo!

[Borg Cube]

Borg: I'll assimilate you...
Kira: Heh. IJD GAK.
Borg: And you...
Kira: GAK!
Borg: And you...
Zeke: GAK!
Borg: And you...
Other Borg: Hey genius, I'm already assimilated.

Zeke: Wow, the Borg sure assimilated everything. Borg Cheese, Borg Cedar, Borg Seashells.
Kira: Would you concentrate? We need to inject the virus into the solar plexus.
IJD: Hey, if you put this Borg Seashell to your ear, you can hear the Collective.
Kira: That can't be good.

Borg Queen: IJD? Can you hear me now?
IJD: Sigh. Yes.
Queen: Good.
Zeke: Score! We injected the virus. Now what do we do?
IJD: We're Borg. Get assimilated. Resistence sucks.
Kira: Run! IJD's gone evil again!

[Unimatrix One]

Queen: You cut off some of the drones from my control! Explain yourself!
Zeke: I have no explanation.
Queen: Then watch this. See that Borg ship?
Zeke: Yeah?
Queen: And that other Borg ship?
Zeke: Yeah?
Queen: Ha! What do you think of that?
Zeke: I think you're destroying your own army.
Queen: Yes, but aren't you upset about the destruction of life?
Zeke: Uh.... no?
Queen: Hm. Maybe I should rethink my strategy.

[Unimatrix Zero]

Blueberry: I've got bad news. I'm on the other side of the galaxy from you.
Derek: So? You're on a ship with freaking transwarp drive. Do distances really mean anything?
Blueberry: Shut up and kiss me.


Marc: Okay, crew, here's the plan. We fly up to the Borg ship, destroy its defenses, and beam out Zeke, Kira, and IJD. Everybody got it?
Marc: We really need some more crew.

Five-Minute Voyager: ZAP ZAP ZAP!
Borg Cube: ZAP ZAP ZAP!
Marc: Oof! That's going to leave a mark. Leave him alone on the bridge, in fact.

[Unimatrix One]

Drone: Unimatrix Zero is shutting down.
Queen: WHAT?
Drone: Unimatrix Zero is --
Queen: I heard you the first time! This is all your fault, isn't it, Zeke?
Zeke: Of course. Everything's my fault. Just ask my crew.


Five-Minute Voyager: ZAP ZAP ZAP!
Borg Cube: ZAP ZAP ZAP!
Korok's Sphere: ZAP ZAP ZAP!
Queen: Self-destruct the cube.
Cube: BOOM!


Derek: Okay, we defeated the Borg, formed a Borg resistance, and beamed out Zeke, Kira, and IJD at the last minute. Did we forget anything?
Marc: Reversing their assimilation?
Derek: Nah. I think they look better like this.


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This was originally published on , 2004.

DISCLAIMER: What are you talking about? Resemblance to any Paramount series, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Yep. Honest. Um, we have to go now.

All material © 2004, Derek Dean.