30th Anniversary TNG Episode Discussion Marathon

[NAHTMMM]

January 7, 1991, "Data's Day"

Data is not capable of love himself, so how could he act as matchmaker?
The same way Worf could act as a midwife.


February 4th, 1991, "Devil's Due"

TROI: This situation is deteriorating, Captain. The people are approaching levels of anxiety that could lead to suicide.

They're not anxious enough YET? I shudder to think what Troi thinks is a justifiable level of anxiety for suicide.
Don't remember the title but there's a novel about a doomed planet that actually brings up that the population is starting to commit suicide. Pretty dark for TNG. Anyway Troi ends up stuck at the North Pole while the ship surprise-teleports the entire planet through a wormhole and part of the planet near her gets sheared off so I think she learned about anxiety then.

The Fiver

Sorry, this one is competent but not exactly quotable.
Oh, I don't know, I remembered
Picard: GASP! A -- a petticoat! (whispers) My one weakness...a properly dressed woman!
and the chains of (FLASH!) (BIGGER FLASH!)


February 18th, 1991, "First Contact"

NILREM: I can't find his cardial organ.

I appreciate the alien medical terms, but you can go too far. "Cardial organ" instead of "heart" is just stupid.
You'd think so, wouldn't you. But "heart" is a specific organ whereas "cardial organ" describes the function, so if their version of a heart does certain things that ours don't -- maybe it has different chambers or reacts well to certain chemicals -- then the unspoken assumptions about ways that our heart matches theirs could be fatal.

MIRASTA: He's an android, Chancellor. A constructed being.
DURKEN: A machine?
DATA: In a manner of speaking. The term artificial lifeform would be more accurate.

How is Data not a machine?
In ways that mattered during "Measure of a Man".

RIKER: Now, will you help me?
LANEL: If you make love to me.
RIKER: What?
LANEL: I've always wanted to make love with an alien.

If the Universal Translator is so sophisticated that it can translate an idiom as complicated as "make love", our heroes shouldn't have the problems that it keeps having with the thing. It should've just said "have sex."
The UT is exactly as sophisticated as it needs to be to keep network censors happy.


The Fiver
Picard: Nanoo, nanoo!
Troi: Phone Home!
Mirasta: Hmm... you appear to be new around here.
Picard: Perhaps, but we can reverse the situation, right O'Brien?
O'Brien: (over the comm) Yub! Yub!

I get the Mork and Mindy and E.T. references, but what's with the yub yub thing?
Ewoks.

And is Independence Day still the cultural touchstone that it was twenty years ago?
Probably not.


March 18th, 1991, "Night Terrors"

Fiver (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=nightterrors) by Standback (I've never heard of this guy, does anyone know anything about him/her?)
Early forumgoer. I think he's the one who was from Israel?

Picard: We have to startle it into letting us go, but without harming it. Set phasers on "wedgie" and fire!
Worf: Direct hit. The creature is dead, sir.
Picard: Dead? How is that possible?
Riker: Have you ever experienced a Klingon wedgie, sir?
This is a good bit.

[NAHTMMM]

COMPUTER: Warning. Atmospheric decompression in Bridge Observation Lounge.

As opposed to the Sickbay Observation Lounge?
That would be a good thing to have, actually, as a waiting room for relatives of patients.



May 13th, 1991, "The Host"

CRUSHER: You know, Deanna, the first man I ever loved unconditionally was named Stefan.

Maybe it's just cause I've never been in love, but the idea of loving "unconditionally" is a little unsettling to me. Forgiving absolutely everything seems like something a doormat or victim of abuse would say.
When you know and trust a person enough, unconditional love is a wonderful thing. I know KJ and I are on each other's sides completely and anything she might do to hurt or inconvenience me is a mistake, not malice.

[Nate the Great]

You and Data seem to think that "machine" is itself a biased term only meant for robots of lower sophistication. It's not. I'm a machine, you're a machine, everybody that you know, you know they are machines... (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jh2-g3ftCaE)

[Nate the Great]

October 21st, 1991, "Disaster"

Fiver by Marc (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=disaster)

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 45156.1. Our mission to Mudor Five has been completed and since our next assignment will not begin for several days, we are enjoying a welcome respite from our duties.

So as a change of pace from "the next assignment is boring, so just wait for something interesting" we're on "nothing is happening for awhile, so of course something will happen." At least say that you're en route for the next mission and it will take a couple days to get there!

Furthermore, if you've got nothing to do for several days, try visiting a planet that hasn't been studied thoroughly yet! You know, "boldly going where no one has gone before?"

(Keiko O'Brien is a good eight months pregnant)

We haven't seen Keiko since "In Theory", Stardate 44932.3. It's now 45156.1, three months later. Gotta love how the creators don't seem to care in the slightest how much time passes between episodes. Makes you wonder why they bothered with declaring 1000 stardates=1 year in the first place.

Just for curiosities sake, I looked it up. Keiko's second pregnancy was announced in "Accession", Stardate unknown, but using surrounding episodes let's say 49615. Kirayoshi was born in "The Begotten", Stardate also unknown, but let's estimate again at 50450. 10 months, oops.

LAFORGE: I cannot sing in front of people.
CRUSHER: You were terrific! You were a little off pitch, but I think I can take care of that.

Or autotune can. Let's just toss up a link to "In Your Imagination (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FD1K8OvVCs)" by Pogo.

PATTERSON: Can we see the battle bridge and torpedo bay?
PICARD: No, I'm afraid not. But we will be visiting the hydroponics and astrophysics laboratories.

"The" torpedo bay? Only on the 1701 is there only one torpedo bay. The 1701-D has three; forward stardrive, aft stardrive, and the saucer section one that's normally blocked by the stardrive.

I do wonder why they couldn't visit the battle bridge (beyond the fact that the set no longer exists, of course). In docked mode none of the consoles would be active, after all.

O'BRIEN: The computer's down. It looks like we still have impulse power but not much else.

Even if you forgive something as stupid as "the computer's down", which I don't (even if the quantum filament took out all three cores I expect there to be emergency backups able to do the basics), I fail to see how you can do ANYTHING if the computer is down. How would your commands get to the impulse engines?

PICARD: Bridge, this is Picard. This is the Captain. Can anyone hear me?
PATTERSON: Why don't they answer?
PICARD: I don't know.

Neither do I. I get that when you're on the ship your commbadges are routed through the comm system, but if the comm system is out I fully expect the commbadges to be able to independently link to each other just like if they were on a planet. Plus, it's not like the quantum filament is still around jamming signals, it's GONE. The damage is done.

O'BRIEN: If the computer senses a hull breach, it automatically closes emergency bulkheads to isolate the breach. Until we can clear those bulkheads, we'll be cut off from the rest of the ship.

I do wish that they could've tossed in a line about how the bulkhead subprocessor couldn't tell where the breach is without the main computer so it closed all of the bulkheads just in case. In ordinary circumstances I expect the ship to know where the breach is so it can just close the emergency bulkheads in that location.

MANDEL: I have partial sensors back online. I'm picking up sporadic life signs throughout the saucer section. There are definitely survivors.

Are you telling me that an ordinary tricorder couldn't have found that out way before now? And don't tell me that a tricorder can't detect all lifesigns within a kilometer, because that's absurd. I hope they're not implying that the emergency bulkheads block all communications and sensor sweeps, because that's ridiculous.

RO: Could the sensors be malfunctioning?
MANDEL: There's no way to know. Without the main computer, I can't run a full diagnostic.

The bridge should have a dedicated backup computer core for exactly this kind of situation. Enough for basic sensors, navigation, etc. Keep it manually disconnected until you need it, of course.

O'BRIEN: Lieutenant Monroe was in command, but she's dead. I believe Counsellor Troi is the senior officer on the deck.
RO: Counsellor Troi?
O'BRIEN: She carries the rank of Lieutenant Commander.

This has been stated elsewhere, but this is ridiculous. Troi may have the rank, but not the training in Command duties. O'Brien should have command in this case. In situations like this, Command officers should be in command, that's what they were trained for. If no Command officers (redshirts) are present, go to Operations officers (goldshirts), then Medical/Sciences (blueshirts)! Remember that Crusher has Command training, Spock has Command training, even O'Brien has Command training!

DATA: I have surveyed all the turbolifts and service crawlways on this deck. Access to the Bridge has been completely severed by emergency bulkheads.

I expect Data to be more thorough than this. Riker has to ask later if they can reach Engineering. Data should've anticipated this and presented the option earlier.

Furthermore, I wonder what the options are for retracting the emergency bulkheads. You can't design these things to only allow commands from the main computer, that's asking for trouble!

CRUSHER: This wall is hot.
LAFORGE: Where?

Like SF Debris said, this is stupid. LaForge should be able to detect changes in temperature WAY before a person feels it. His VISOR can detect infrared, right?

LAFORGE: I'm all right, but I think we've got a new problem. One of the energy conduits must've ruptured and ignited the polyduranide inside the bulkhead. That's a plasma fire.

This seems like a problem that could've been solved at the design stage.

LAFORGE: We've got a bigger problem than that. The quaratum in these containers is used in emergency thruster packs. It's normally pretty stable stuff but when you expose quaratum to radiation, it has a way of exploding.

Only mention of quaratum. I do wonder how these emergency thruster packs work without putting out radiation.

MARISSA: Number One?
PICARD: That's what I always called my first officer. So, here.
(He puts two of his rank pins on her top)

I've brought up the pip thing before. Either these things have hooks, or all Federation clothing has a corresponding mesh for a magnetic grip.

"Number One" for the first officer goes back to the sailing days. The First Lieutenant was second in command.

Meaningless aside, but I found out that Pike's Number One has now been given the name Una in Discovery. I'm so used to knowing her as Morgan Primus. I also refer you to John Byrne's Star Trek comic called "Crew", which went through all sorts of hoops to avoid pinning a name on this woman.

CRUSHER: We can withstand this level of radiation for another three or four hours without any permanent damage. We'll need a few days of hyronalin treatments.

Hydronalin has popped up here and there in Trek as an anti-radiation drug, going all the way back to "The Deadly Years." In "Real Life" the Doctor even gave it to Paris before he was exposed to radiation as a protectant.

RO: Nothing. Field strength's at forty percent and falling. We've got a problem. The quantum resonance of the filament caused a polarity shift in the antimatter containment field.
O'BRIEN: When the filament hit us, the ship was momentarily charged, as if it had come into contact with a live electrical wire.
RO: That weakened the containment field surrounding the antimatter pods. The field strength is at forty percent and it is still falling.

I fail to see how O'Brien's line has anything to do with what Ro is saying. If it was supposed to be a metaphor to help the audience understand, I don't think it worked.

O'BRIEN: If it falls to fifteen percent the field will collapse and we'll have a containment breach.
TROI: Which means?
RO: Which means the ship will explode.

Why did they make Troi look like an idiot here? I expect something as simple as "containment breach"="exploding ship" to be something covered in the basic engineering course that all cadets had to take.

[Nate the Great]

RIKER: Let me get this straight. You want me to take off your head?
DATA: Yes, sir. Is something wrong, sir?
RIKER: Well, Data, would you be all right?

I'm glad that Riker was uncomfortable here. That's friendship.

PICARD: Now, there is a ladder along the wall of the shaft. You can climb up that until you come to an open doorway.

Open doorway? Since when are there open doorways anywhere on the ship, much less in a turbolift shaft? Couldn't they just say that a Jefferies Tube branches in a few decks up?

KEIKO: No, I mean contractions. I'm going into labour.
WORF: You cannot. This this is not a good time, Keiko.

Gotta love Worf. Is he expecting her to cross her legs and hold Molly in?

PICARD: The lift's falling! Hang on!

The writers do realize that the gravity plating is in the floor of the turbolift, not the bottom of the shaft, right? Why wouldn't you want the turbolift cars to slide freely up and down the track? Maybe I'd buy the car drifting slowly towards the nearest deck's gravity plating, but this is ridiculous. You'd still want to climb up the shaft to the nearest deck, but the crash was ridiculous.

Furthermore, wouldn't there be other turbolift cars between here and the bottom anyway? Under normal circumstances the cars could get out of each other's way using the horizontal tracks, but these aren't normal circumstances.

PICARD: What we need is a climbing song. Marissa, is there a song you sing at school?
MARISSA: The Laughing Vulcan and His Dog?
PICARD: I'm afraid I don't know that one.

I've posted this before, but why not again? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBg9T_3CI1A&list=PL3A40A96F46174EA9&index=119)

PICARD: I know. Frere Jacques. That's a song I used to sing when I was at school. Patterson, do you know that one? Good. It goes like this. Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques, dormez vous? Dormez vous?
ALL: Sonnez les matines, sonnez les matines, ding ding dong, ding ding dong.

Literally:

Brother Jacques, Brother Jacques,
Are you sleeping? Are you sleeping?
Ring [the bells for] matins! Ring [the bells for] matins!
Ding, dang, dong. Ding, dang, dong.

Official English translation

Are you sleeping? Are you sleeping?
Brother John, Brother John,
Morning bells are ringing! Morning bells are ringing!
Ding, dang, dong. Ding, dang, dong.

"Matins" was originally a specific morning prayer at 6 AM. It's a bit more generic nowadays in certain Orthodox faiths for any morning prayer.

As a child I sang the official English translation as a round a few times. Of course I never knew about its French origins.

The Fiver

Crusher: I need you for my next Gilbert and Sullivan production.
La Forge: Can't you ask Worf or Data or the Captain instead?
Crusher: Oh, come on. Can you picture those three singing operetta together?

You already know where this link goes... (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jVB8Im7JV8)

Patterson: Hi! I grew weird radishes in special dirt!
Troi: Wasn't that a clever and useful project, sir?
Picard: More so than anything you've ever done around here.

Well, that's harsh...

O'Brien: If we lose containment, our antimatter pods will explode.
Troi: Would that do bad things to the ship?
Ro: Counselor, are you planning to take the Bridge Officer Exam someday?
Troi: I was thinking of it. Why do you ask?

"No reason. On an unrelated subject, may I recommend you read this technical journal. It was written by Captain Scott himself. It's called All I Need to Know about Engineering I Learned by Using Technobabble."

Memory Alpha

* Ronald Moore knew that Troi really isn't in the chain of command, but decided to do it anyway for the sake of drama.
* Ro and O'Brien were put together as a test run for DS9. I still think that Forbes ran into the same trap as Kirstie Alley and Michael Shanks over on Stargate: thinking that they were bigger stars than they actually were. Do I wish she had taken the Kira position on DS9? Maybe. She sure would've done better than Nana Visitor in the first season.
* Last mention of saucer separation before Generations.
* Since Worf's reaction to Keiko's second pregnancy in "Accession" is mentioned, I may as well link a YouTube video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYU1cFxaXj8&t=78s).
* First appearance of a Jefferies tube junction.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil also noticed a few of my previous nits.
* Phil questions additional exit methods from the bridge. I also forgot about the hatch between the helm and the viewscreen going down to Deck 2.

[Nate the Great]

October 28th, 1991, "The Game"

Okay, let's get this out of the way. Some call this episode a poorly-made allegory of video game addition, and it's not. The "game" featured is poorly constructed and nothing you couldn't do on the holodeck with a modified cortical monitor as an interface. The threat is mind control, not gaming addiction.

Second of all, I like Robin Lefler. I'm not fond of what they did to her in New Frontier, but here she's okay (even if she was obviously too old for Wesley Crusher). I never did get that far into the series, but I didn't like what I saw. As much as I love Peter David's work, New Frontier was obviously fanfic from a completely different universe with a Trek coat of paint put on.

The Episode

RIKER: Etana? I know you're back there. Don't make me come after you.

I'm not fond of the idea that Riker keeps having casual affairs every time he's off ship. Furthermore, defaulting to Risa every time is boring. They couldn't have him go to Wrigley's Pleasure Planet even once? They don't have hot women on Earth that he could visit?

ETANA: Concentrate. Make the disc go into the cone.

Seriously boring, and why do we need a Virtual Boy to play it?

(the first one misses, the second is a success, and he gasps with pleasure)

So this thing directly stimulates the pleasure centers of the brain. Putting aside the fact that you'd have to put a rather sophisticated medical scanner in there to find the pleasure centers of each species, wouldn't this be the sort of thing that would already exist without requiring the facade of a game? Just put the thing on your head and you can orgasm all you want, right?

PICARD: On top of everything, there's been a change. We've been given only two weeks to complete the exploration.
RIKER: Two weeks? That's not enough time to explore a region that size. I thought we had five weeks.

Forget five weeks, two weeks is enough time that I'd think you'd assign a proper science vessel to! Doesn't the Enterprise have VIPs that they need to shuttle around in the next couple weeks?

Furthermore, why does Riker care? He'll only be reading reports from the science teams.

PICARD: Will, I'm leaving it up to you to make sure that all science departments have an equal chance of completing their research.

Isn't that Data's job?

LAFORGE: Fifteen science teams, only two weeks, and one long-range array don't make for a great combination.

Geordi is implying that the long distance sensor arrays can only scan one thing at a time, and that's ridiculous.

ROBIN: We're increasing the available bandwidth so more science teams can use the sensors at once. We figured out a way to do it by multiplexing the array.
RIKER: Can we have that done before we arrive?
ROBIN: Yes, sir. You can count on it.

Multiplexing means combining several signals into a single signal. Usually it just refers to communications signals. I fail to see how this will help in this case. Presumably the different science teams have different ideas of what needs to be scanned and how. I think multiplexing would only work if you're only scanning one thing. In which case you just do a full-spectrum sensor sweep, not this multiplexing stuff.

What should be happening here is sending out shuttles and probes to do the actual scanning, and multiplex their signals back to the Enterprise.

(she offers him a spoon)
RIKER: No, thanks. I don't like fudge.

Stupid and pointless. Deanna should know which forms of chocolate Will likes by now.

PICARD: Quomodo tua Latinitas est?
WESLEY: Praestat quam prius.
PICARD: Oppido bonum. Your Latin has improved.

"How is your Latin?" "It's better than before." "Very good."

There's a discussion over at Stack Exchange (https://scifi.stackexchange.com/questions/14896/why-in-the-world-do-they-teach-latin-at-the-starfleet-academy) about why Starfleet officers are learning Latin.

If children are learning Calculus, I suppose they've figured out how to improve memory recall, perhaps through genetic modification (if the anti-Khan laws permit that, of course).

Then again, I can see Picard learning it for fun and Wesley wanting to do do so as well to impress him.

DATA: Have you found the Academy challenging, Wesley?
WESLEY: Yeah. I thought after being on the Enterprise, it would be a breeze, but there's a lot more to learn than just starship operations.

It takes more than memorizing technical journals to succeed in Starfleet. I kinda thought that was the point of Riker tutoring him, especially when he put Wesley in charge of that mineral survey...

WESLEY: My first week that I was there, this guy named Adam Martoni reprogrammed the sonic shower to cover me with mud.

How? The sonic shower doesn't emit anything except sound waves! A good practical joke would be to beam a blob of mud over Wesley's head just after he finishes his shower, making him shower again.

DATA: Geordi, a conflict has started between the planetary evolution team and the stellar physicists. Each wishes to be the first to use the thermal imaging array.
LAFORGE: Well, tell them to flip a coin. We've got to work together on this mission, otherwise we're never going to get it done.
DATA: A coin. Very good. I will replicate one immediately.

Sometimes Data's literalism and obtuseness really grates on my nerves. I think it really depends on how much the writer knows about subtlety...

CRUSHER: Yes, Data. I need to ask you to do something for me. I'm working on a new experiment with bioactive silicon.

What in the world is bioactive silicon? Even if you posit biological organisms that are silicon-based instead of carbon-based, the silicon itself can never be "bioactive". If this is Crusher's way of referring to the silicon equivalent of carbon compounds, it still doesn't make sense as it wouldn't be "bioactive."

[Nate the Great]

WESLEY: The first week that I was there, I went and met Boothby.
PICARD: How is old Boothby? I hope he didn't tell you a lot of stories about me.
WESLEY: He didn't remember you, sir. At first. I found an old yearbook photo and he remembered you right away.

"The First Duty" implies that Boothby remembers all of his previous protoges. One hopes that he was having fun at Wesley's expense.

"Found an old yearbook photo"? There are archives of physical yearbooks at Starfleet Academy? Wouldn't the photos be in a database accessible by every PADD on campus?

WESLEY: Sir, what do the initials A.F. stand for?
PICARD: A.F.?
WESLEY: Boothby said he caught you carving those initials into his prized elm tree.

Memory Alpha has nothing about this A.F. person. For romantic relationships they only have Lwaxana, Vash, Kamala, Nella, Anij, and Beverly. Notable omissions are Penny, Marta, and Philipa.

Even if "A.F." is a pseudonym for one of these women, he didn't know any of them besides Marta as a cadet.

ROBIN: When your parents are the only plasma specialists in the sector, you do a lot of travelling around. We went from base to base to base.

Plasma specialist doesn't seem like an on-call sort of job. You'd want one of those anywhere there is plasma.

WESLEY: Don't you think that's a little strange? Everybody playing it all the time.
ROBIN: It's just a fad. It's here this week. Next week we won't even know it existed.

That line stuck with me. I even established it as the page quote at TVTropes for the trope Flash in the Pan Fad (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FlashInThePanFad).

WESLEY: Yeah, we could hook it up to one of the computers. The medical programs in the lab can be set up to emulate human responses.
ROBIN: I noticed it uses a visual interface. We could connect it through an optical sensor.

I'd nitpick this, but if it works on Geordi I guess The Game is more sophisticated than it looks.

ROBIN: The cuts are precise. Look how clean the edges are. Computer, increase magnification, factor four.
WESLEY: Only two people on board know enough about Data to do something like this. Commander La Forge and my mother.

I'm always skeptical about "only X people on board could do this" statements. Surely there's another engineer on board who has mucked around with Data's systems.

(Alyssa is in the lift, playing the game)

Chakoteya uses last names for everyone else, why not "Ogawa" here? How many people who aren't uberTrekkies like me even remember that her first name is Alyssa?

The Fiver

La Forge: Commander, I'm sure you know Ensign Lefler here. Her work is outstanding.
Riker: Hmm... a good-looking, intelligent young female ensign whom we've never seen before....
Lefler: I know, I know. I've got "love interest" written all over me.

No kidding.

Wesley: I can't get Data reactivated.
Lefler: Did you check the "off" button?
Wesley: Don't be ridiculous. As if Data has an "off" button.

At this point even if Data didn't have an off button, you'd imagine the crew would've found something to neutralize him.

Picard: Only Wesley stands in the way of our evil conspiracy. There's no way this can fail.
All: Mwahahahaha!
Riker: Actually, sir, Wesley usually manages to stop this kind of thing against unthinkable odds.
Picard: Don't interrupt the evil cackling!

Hehe.

Memory Alpha

* The crew went to the effort of making the suite on Risa match the Risan asthetic established in "Captain's Holiday". I'm surprised that they bothered, Risa wasn't a big deal yet.
* Data promise Beverly that he wouldn't mention the dancing lessons, but he told Wesley here. I thought Data couldn't lie...

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil is incredulous that Will only learns of Troi's chocolate addition now.
* He's surprised that the Sadie Hawkin's Dance still exists. Don't women ever ask out men in the progressive twenty-fourth century?
* Phil only brings up the differences in Worf's brain chemistry, but I must also bring up the Vulcans on board. Wouldn't they do thorough tests on the mental interface on this thing before using it?

[Nate the Great]

November 4th, "Unification Part 1"

Fiver (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=unification1) by IJD GAF (Hey Zeke, why didn't he write a fiver for Part 2 at the same time?)

The Episode

BRACKETT: Three weeks ago, one of our most celebrated Ambassadors, an advisor to Federation leaders for generations, disappeared.

I never liked this bit. They were postponing Spock's reveal by all of thirty seconds. What's the point?

Incidentally, why not mention his Starfleet service? Or his reputation as a scientist, for that matter?

BRACKETT: Taken on Romulus, by long range scanner.

Long range scanners can take photographs? How does that work? Don't Vulcan/human hybrids have different lifesigns than Romulans? Couldn't they have used that?

For that matter, where are these intelligence reports coming from? Does Starfleet maintain a network of spies on Romulus?

And while we're at it, wouldn't Spock have surgically altered his appearance before this mission? Such a thing should be possible. Just the thickened Romulan brow would make him look drastically different.

Captain's log, stardate 45236.4. As I study the intelligence reports on Ambassador Spock's disappearance, I cannot help but feel a deeper, more personal concern about this mission, for I know this man through his father. It was barely a year ago that I shared a mind meld with the Vulcan, Sarek.

"Sarek" was stardate 43917.4. That's not "barely a year", that's 16 months. "It was only last year" would've been better.

PICARD: I met him once. What I know of him comes from history books, and of course my mind meld with his father.

As I've mentioned before, Picard attended Spock and Saavik's bonding ceremony back in 2329. Unfortunately he wasn't able to make it to the actual wedding in 2344.

RIKER: That must cover a lot of ground.
PICARD: Not as much as you'd imagine. Sarek and Spock. Well, sometimes, fathers and sons.
RIKER: Understood.

A deleted scene from "Journey's End" says that Picard's father Maurice died when Jean-Luc was a sophomore, 2324. The stress from this almost caused him to drop out of the Academy.

PERRIN: Mint tea. It's been years since I've had it. Vulcans have some kind of strange concoction they call mint. You'd never recognise it.

Even if we're going to claim that old-fashioned Vulcans choose not to have replicators in their homes, you'd think an exception could be made for Perrin. Incidentally, in the novel Sarek it's established that Amanda worked hard in her garden to make Earth plants grow. I wonder if Perrin lacks a green thumb (no rude jokes, please).

Furthermore, I have serious doubts that mint would be one of those things that replicators can't duplicate properly.

PERRIN: Between Spock and his father. They had argued for years. That was family. But when the debates over the Cardassian war began, he attacked Sarek's position publicly. He showed no loyalty to his father.

You gotta wonder what they were fighting about. I can't help but wonder what positions they took on the Occupation.

RIKER: The Vulcans haven't figure out what these fragments are but they've determined that the metal is a dentarium alloy.
LAFORGE: That pretty well indicates that they're Vulcan. And dentarium also means that whatever this was, it was originally designed for use in space.

Meaningless aside, but there's a dentist office in Latvia called Dentarium. Only mention of dentarium in the canon.

Incidentally, Memory Alpha tells us that T'Pau is called Apollo. The USS Ajax that Kosinski worked on was of this class, as was the Vulcan freighter that was carrying CFI replicators to Cardassia (the ones the Maquis stole). The USS Gage was destroyed by the Borg at Wolf 359, another use of the model. This class doesn't have conventional nacelles, they have an annular warp drive (the "nacelles" are actually a tube around the main hull).

Memory Beta (and the CCG) calls this the Merchant-class because the expanded universe uses "Apollo-class" for a completely different design (it looks like the Constellation-class but there are only two nacelles, upper and lower).

I know, you don't care about any of this, but I find it fascinating.

SAREK: He is a Romulan Senator. Spock has maintained a relationship with him over the years. I don't know how they met. At the Khitomer Conference, I'd imagine.

Yes, they did. The novel Assignment: Eternity features their first meeting at Khitomer. Sarek was actually the one who introduced them.

Pardek wasn't killed by Shinzon, he was assassinated by the Tal Shiar in 2380.

PICARD: He's ignoring me. What other explanation is there?
RIKER: Seems after hailing him for three days, he could've found a minute to talk to you.

Why did they let it get to three days? After twelve hours I would've contacted Starfleet to sic the Diplomatic Corps on Gowron.

DATA: Captain, I have a visual identification of Senator Pardek of Romulus. This is a Barolian record of a trade negotiation in which Pardek participated four years ago.

Only mention of Barolians on screen. They appeared a couple novels. The Borg destroyed their homeworld in 2381.

In the Star Wars expanded universe Barolians are just blue-haired "humans."

PICARD: Gowron or K'Tal?
WORF: Neither, sir. It is the junior adjutant to the diplomatic delegation.

An adjutant is in charge of HR in a military heirarchy.

PICARD: I require a cloaked vessel.

It sounds like Picard wants to be given a ship. He should be asking for the use of a cloaked vessel.

PICARD: The only benefit to the Klingon Empire would be our gratitude.
B'IJIK [on viewscreen]: That is what you want me to tell him?
PICARD: Yes. And please add that if he is unable to provide a ship, then I am sure there are others in the Klingon Empire who would be willing to help me. And then, they would have our gratitude.
B'IJIK [on viewscreen]: I see.

And some people have the nerve to claim that TNG is boring.

CRUSHER: They're not removable, are they, Data?
DATA: Removable?
CRUSHER: Your ears.
DATA: No, Doctor. They are fully integrated components.

Pointless exchange. Incidentally, Lore's ears ARE removable, even though he's supposed to be physically identical to Data. Oops.

CRUSHER: These two still have an appointment with Mister Mott to have their hairpieces designed.

Mot has one "t." And why would a barber know anything about making wigs? You'd think that the ship would have someone in charge of disguises for away teams that require it. The episode "Patterns of Force" sure indicated that such a position existed on Kirk's Enterprise.

LAFORGE: What we seem to have here is a navigational deflector array. Or at least what's left of one.
RIKER: Why would anyone want a Vulcan shield array?

Navigational deflectors and shields aren't the same thing. Oops.

K'VADA: You'll sleep Klingon style. We do not soften our bodies by putting down a pad.

This seems like a horrible idea. And if Worf is any indication, Kligons prefer to sleep under animal skins.

KLINGON [OC]: MeH HoD.
K'VADA: Jatlh!
KLINGON [OC]: MeHmaH ghoS.
K'VADA: So'wl'chu'.

"Bridge to captain." "Speak!" "Bridge, we're assuming the heading." "Engage cloak."

K'VADA: Well, Captain, we're at the border of the Neutral Zone.

That's not what the other guy said!

[Nate the Great]

First Officer's log, stardate 45240.6. The Enterprise is nearing Qualor Two, home of a Federation surplus depot operated by the Zakdorn.

I thought that this episode and "Peak Performance" were the only appearances of Zakdorn, but apparently there was one at the trade conference back in "Menage a Troi."

DOKACHIN: He probably figures that we don't get to see a lot of handsome women out this way and someone like you might get a little more cooperation from me. He's probably right.

So now Riker has impressed two Zakdorn. I wonder how often that happens.

PICARD: I'm sure the Klingons found it amusing to put us in here together.
DATA: Since I do not require sleep, I propose you take the shelf, sir.

It's a shame that some jokes don't translate to plain text very well. Data hesitates before saying "shelf". As I said on the TV Tropes page for funny TNG moments...

"At the last second Data pauses as the word "bed" refuses to come out. Data does not lie unless it's required to complete a mission, and calling this thing a "bed" would definitely be a lie. So Data awkwardly finishes with "shelf.""

DATA: I was processing all of the information we have accumulated on Romulan society. I am preparing for the task of impersonating a Romulan.

You'd think he would've finished this back on the Enterprise. At this point I'd expect his thoughts to be occupied by things like attempting to detect the speed of the ship by the feel of the deckplates a la Scotty.

PICARD: Well, Mister Data? What do you think?
(They are both now Romulan)
DATA: I would not have thought it possible, sir. I am eager to test the success of our efforts. It does remain to be seen if the Romulans will accept us.

They brought the gear to go to and from Romulan with them? Does that sort of stuff fit into a suitcase? Why didn't they have Crusher do this back on the Enterprise?

On DS9 they definitely implied that minor surgery was required to change appearance this much.

NERAL: Ah, Senator Pardek. You received my message.
PARDEK: I got here as quickly as I could, Proconsul.
NERAL: What do you know of this human? Jean-Luc Picard, a Starfleet Captain.
PARDEK: I know nothing of him.

Really? Being captain of the Enterprise seems like enough reason for all Romulans in the higher levels of government to know about him (I'm sure they all knew about Kirk after "Balance of Terror").

DATA: I am sorry, Captain. I will be more careful.
PICARD: Don't call me Captain.

So what is he supposed to call you? Did you go through the effort to create a cover identity? I doubt it.

(Picard knocks, then tries the handle)
PICARD: He's not open for business yet.

It's always interesting to see where there are manual doors and where there are automatic doors. There's no consistency at all across canon.

(an old woman brings two bowls to their table, no chairs)

Where did they get Romulan currency, and how do they know how to use it?

The expanded universe has precious little about Romulan currency. There's something called a "prime transfer authority" which seems less like normal currency and more like a representation of a bond.

The Klingons use darseks and talons. The Cardassians use leks and droknas.

The Fiver

Riker: For whatever reason, Starfleet thinks we don't have enough going on with the Spock mission, so they gave us a debris-from-some-random-Vulcan-ship mission on the side.
La Forge: Heh. It's as if they think there'll be some sort of correlation between the two at the end of all this.
Riker and La Forge: Hahaha!

Genre saaviness is always a classic fiver gag.

Perrin: Here he is. Yelling, smoking, and whistling of Disney theme songs are not permitted.

I thought this Disney thing refers to another Mark Lenard role, but I'm not seeing anything. Explanation?

Sarek: ?"pardeK" ekil ,sdrow esnesnon emos tuoba woH .sdrawkcab gniklat fo tibah eht pu nekat ev'I ,snacluV enasni tsom htiw sA

"As with most insane Vulcans, I've taken up the habit of talking backwards. How about some nonsense words, like Kedrar?"

Is there another fiver with a backwards talking insane Vulcan?

K'Vada: Captain, I dislike secrets. What is your business on Romulus?
Picard: Me telling my Klingon chauffer about a classified Federation mission? Ha!

Is this a reference to another fiver or something?

Data: Captain, do you think our disguises are convincing enough to fool the Romulans?
Picard: I don't know. Why don't you step out into the corridor and find out?
Data: I don't see how that will--
(kaSHINK)
Data: I see your point, Captain. Would you mind pulling this Bat'leth out of my back?

What's a bat'leth doing on Romulus? I tried to look for a Romulan edged weapon, but they won't appear until Picard and Discovery.

Data: Pardek's establishment is right over there.
Picard: He doesn't appear to be home.... Let's get some soup.
Romulan Guard: No soup for you!
Picard: I'm amazed I didn't see that coming.

The fiver is from 2005. Seinfeld ended in 1998. I didn't watch much Seinfeld, but I do know who the Soup Nazi is.

Memory Alpha

* There was going to be an episode with Spock in the second season called "Return to Forever (https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Undeveloped_Star_Trek:_The_Next_Generation_episode s#Return_to_Forever)", but it fell through.
* Jeri Taylor didn't just write the episode, she wrote the novelization. I've read it, and it falls into the trap that most other Trek novelizations do: sticking to the script too closely and not expanding the story. If you want a good TNG novelization I'd take Relics above this one anyday.
* Sarek's mention of young Spock going to the mountains is a reference to "Yesteryear". I never made the connection.
* First appearance of Romulus (the holodeck recreation from "The Defector" doesn't count).

Nitpicker's Guide

* Why did the Klingons wait until they reached the Neutral Zone to cloak? Don't the Romulans keep track on ships on the other side?
* Phil also noted the Lore's ears thing.
* Usually Trek uses the metric system, yet Dokachi uses feet to describe the eel. This isn't the first or last time the TNG era will use Imperial measurements. Then again, maybe the eel actually has fourteen feet...

[Nate the Great]

November 11th, 1991, "Unification Part Two"

No fiver

The Episode

SPOCK: It is no concern of Starfleet.
PICARD: On the contrary, it is very much Starfleet's concern. You're in a position to compromise the security of the Federation.
SPOCK: You may assure your superiors, Captain, that I am here on a personal mission of peace, and I will advise Starfleet when it is appropriate.

Spock seems a bit short-sighted here. It stands to reason that he's maintained his expert status is not just Starfleet computers but most Federation technology. It also stands to reason that even though the Romulans don't have training in telepathic techniques, they would've captured any number of Vulcans who DO. And even if Spock wasn't a useful hostage in terms of intel, the Federation would still want him back, even to the point of starting a war.

PICARD: And I will not return without a full explanation. Ambassador, with great respect for all that you've achieved on behalf of the Federation, this sort of cowboy diplomacy will not easily be tolerated any more.
SPOCK: Cowboy diplomacy?

This seems more like an insult against Kirk than Spock. Spock didn't disobey orders that often, and when he did it was usually to save Kirk. He's not using Starfleet resources here, he's an independent citizen who wants to help. Spock isn't even using his Ambassadorial status.

PICARD: I was with him before coming here. He expressed his pride in you. His love.
SPOCK: Emotional disarray was a symptom of the illness from which he suffered.
PICARD: No, those feelings came from his heart, Spock. He shared them with me. I know.
SPOCK: Sarek would no more approve my coming here than you do, Picard.

Spock seems to be confusing Sarek's general opinion of him with his specific opinion of this one mission. The two aren't remotely the same.

SPOCK: For some time now, I've been aware of a growing movement here of people who seek to learn the ideals of the Vulcan philosophy. They've been declared enemies of the state. But there are a few in the Romulan hierarchy like Pardek, who are sympathetic. He asked me to come now, because he believes it may be time to take the first step toward reunification.

Actually, it was Pardek himself that informed Spock of this, at Khitomer. Which is weird, because even though everything is chess with the Romulans, do they really routinely start plans that will take decades to reach fruition?

Furthermore, in order to maintain relationships with Spock and the reunification movement Pardek has had to assume the part of a senator who continually advocates for peace and is seen as a radical by most Romulans. How does Pardek keep getting reelected? Do the Romulans really rig elections for Pardek to keep him in power to manipulate Spock to expose the reunification movement? There's chess and there's Fizzbin, people!

SPOCK: A personal decision, Captain. Perhaps you are aware of the small role I played in the overture to peace with the Klingons.
PICARD: History is aware of the role you played, Ambassador.
SPOCK: Not entirely. It was I who committed Captain Kirk to that peace mission, and I who had to bear the responsibility for the consequences to him and his crew. Quite simply, I am unwilling to risk anyone's life but my own on this occasion. So I ask you respect my wishes and leave.

I know this is a teaser for Undiscovered Country, but it doesn't quite jibe. Spock may have recommended the mission to the Federation and Starfleet, but this was hardly "cowboy diplomacy." Furthermore, the consequences couldn't have been seen by Spock.

SPOCK: I was involved with cowboy diplomacy, as you describe it, long before you were born.

And? So? Spock's been doing this a long time, so that automatically means he's an expert at it and can foresee any danger? Dubious logic at best.

SPOCK: In your own way, you are as stubborn as another Captain of the Enterprise I once knew.
PICARD: Then I'm in good company, sir.

It makes you wonder how many Captains of the Enterprise Spock has known. April and Pike, of course. Did he meet Herriman or Garrett?

DATA: Using conventional means, that would be true. However, I suggest we piggy-back our signal on Romulan subspace transmissions.
K'VADA: Piggy-back?

Ugh, Universal Translator problems. Then again, it almost seems like Klingons choose to learn English in exchange for the Federation programming all Universal Translators to not automatically translate Klingonese.

Incidentally, while "Klingonese" remains the official term courtesy of "The Trouble With Tribbles," Mark Okrand has created the term "tlhIngan Hol" for the language. Prior to this the expanded universe had an alternate "Klingonaase" language.

And you do have to wonder why Data would use human metaphors around Klingons. You'd think his language banks would have some internal switch to go from "human vernacular" to "formal Federation Standard." And that he could also switch to "20th century human vernacular" or "22nd century Vulcan" or any number of other dialects and languages. Why can't Data speak Klingon, anyway? This "piggy-back" thing doesn't seem like a good enough joke to justify opening this particular can of worms.

SPOCK: It has become a serious concern for the Romulan leadership.
PICARD: Serious enough for the leaders to suddenly embrace a Vulcan peace initiative? I have some difficulty in accepting that.
SPOCK: I sense you have a closed mind, Captain. Closed minds have kept these two worlds apart for centuries. In the Federation, we have learned from experience to view the Romulans with distrust. We can either choose to live with that enmity or seek an opportunity to change it. I choose the latter.

Picard has a closed mind? Compared to Kirk Picard is positively easy-going. Picard is being realistic, which in no way equates to pessimism. Spock is also being hypocritical about the distrust of Romulans. The Federation doesn't distrust Romulans just because of the original Romulan War, but because current interactions with the Romulans have shown that their agenda hasn't changed in two hundred years.

AMARIE: So who are you looking for?
RIKER: Who says I'm looking for anybody?
AMARIE: Your face. Your uniform. In a place like this.

Yeah, why is Riker wearing his uniform, anyway? And it occurs to me that this would be a better mission for Worf or Ro.

NERAL: I've never liked titles since I was a lowly Uhlan in the Romulan guard.

You'd think "uhlan" is a simple alien word, but it actually has an Earth meaning. An uhlan is an eastern European cavalry trooper who carries a lance. Why they'd borrow this term for the Romulans is beyond me. considering all of the Roman terms that the Romulans borrow (I wonder what the guy programming the Universal Translator was thinking when he chose "uhlan"). For the Romans a cavalryman who wanted a political career was called an equite.

SPOCK: Are you prepared to support reunification?
NERAL: I believe it must eventually come. Our two worlds need each other.

This whole idea of reunification representing a political union has long been a thorn in my side. Even if the Romulans wanted to reestablish contact with Vulcan, neither side is ready to place themselves under political control of the other. Spock should be very skeptical.

NERAL: Things are not what they once were in the Senate. The old leaders have lost the respect of the people. Involvement in the Klingon War, endless confrontations with the Federation, they're tired of it. Times are changing, and leaders who refuse to change with them will no longer be leaders. Spock, I am prepared to publicly endorse the opening of talks between our peoples. What do you think the Vulcan people think of that?

What Klingon war? We know of the Battle of Klach D'kel Brakt in 2271, and by 2292 they were blood enemies. Was the attack on Narendra III in 2344 part of a larger conflict that the Federation didn't take part in? It can't be, because Worf said that the Romulans and Klingons were allies before the Khitomer Massacre in 2346.

The best I can determine is that the war must've taken place around 2350 when the Romulans attacked General ShiVang's flagship, which resulted in Martok's battlefield commission.

It still doesn't make sense, because the Federation certainly acts like the Romulans were incognito in galactic affairs for a long time prior to "The Neutral Zone." Not just no contact with the Federation, but no contact with anyone.

[Nate the Great]

SPOCK: Fascinating. You have an efficient intellect, superior physical skills and no emotional impediments. There are Vulcans who aspire all their lives to achieve what you've been given by design.

I can't help but be skeptical of this. True, Vulcans try to suppress emotion, but that doesn't mean that they don't have drives and desires that Data lacks. Or at least Data hasn't mastered yet.

DATA: Ambassador Spock, may I ask a personal question?
SPOCK: Please.
DATA: As you examine your life, do you find you have missed your humanity?
SPOCK: I have no regrets.
DATA: No regrets. That is a human expression.
SPOCK: Yes. Fascinating.

Missed his humanity? One of the fundamental principles behind Spock's character arc is his need to integrate his humanity with his Vulcaness to create something better than either. That's the whole point of the IDIC!

WORF: Do you know any Klingon opera?
AMARIE: I don't get a lot of requests for it.
WORF: Surely, you must know at least one theme from Aktuh and Maylota.
AMARIE: I may be a little rusty.

Aktuh and Maylota made an appearance in one of the IKS Gorkon novels. I'm surprised that it hasn't made more appearances, it seems like something that would've gotten a namedrop in DS9.

OMAG: What is that dreadful noise? It sounds like a Bardakian pronghorn moose.

One of the RPG sourcebooks has more on the Bardakian pronghorn moose. It has webbed feet and a paddle tail. Barkadians use their skin for clothing and other body parts for medicines and talismans.

WORF [OC]: Has just entered the establishment.
RIKER: Is that Melor Famagal I hear?
WORF [OC]: It is.

I would expect Riker to know about the Rules of Acquisition and more common aspects of the Ferengi culture, but not the music. Then again, the expanded universe makes it clear that Ferengi do appreciate music.

You may argue that as a musician he would be interested in alien songs, but we've never seen him play anything but Earth music. Perhaps the trombone isn't conducive to alien music.

OMAG: At Galorndon Core. Near the Neutral Zone.

One of the Enterprise novels says that during the Earth-Romulan War a Romulan ship smacked into the planet at high speed, rendering it practically uninhabitable. The planet makes several appearances in Star Trek Online. (STO says that the planet became uninhabitable when a dead Doomsday Machine smashed into it).

SPOCK: The time the Proconsul set for the subspace announcement of our peace initiative is fourteen hundred hours tomorrow. One four zero zero.

Why would the Romulan clock be the same as the Federation's?

SELA: And this is the android I have come to respect in battle.

Data had no idea he was fighting you back in "Redemption." There really should've been another Sela episode between that episode and this one.

SELA: Do not be distressed. Your dream of reunification is not dead. It will simply take a different form. The Romulan conquest of Vulcan.

I fail to see how the Romulans expect to succeed at conquering Vulcan. Perhaps they could've succeeded at one kamikaze run with this stunt, but nothing more.

RIKER: Maintain position at Galorndon Core. Diplomatic initiative appears to be succeeding. Will advise.
WORF: The message did employ the proper coded sequence.
RIKER: Yeah. I'm sure it did.

How do the Romulans know the proper coded sequence again?

SELA: Excuse me, I'm just finishing up a speech. For you, Mister Spock. I rather enjoy writing. I don't get to do it often in this job.
DATA: Perhaps you would be happier in another job.

A classic Data moment.

LAFORGE: That would put them on a course to Vulcan. They don't seem to be in any hurry. They're only moving at warp one, Commander.

They intend to cross half of the Federation at Warp One? That'll take days!

CRUSHER: We've just received a priority one distress call from the colony on Dulisian Four. A massive failure of the environmental support systems. They're going to require evacuation.
RIKER: Mister Worf, any other ships in the vicinity of Dulisian Four?
WORF: One, sir. A Rutian archaeological vessel.
CRUSHER: I'm sure it's not equipped to handle something of this scale, Will.

Rutians were last seen in "The High Ground." Don't ask me what one of their ships is doing so far out. Incidentally, in the Star Wars universe "rutian" is a blue skin tone exhibited by some Twi'leks.

Memory Alpha

* Final appearance of Sela. I'll cover her further adventures in the Memory Beta section.
* Some thought that three ships were inadequate to invade Vulcan. I would argue that there wouldn't be very many tactical targets on Vulcan as opposed to Earth. One shot for a government building, another for the main armory, another for the spaceport, etc. Plus the Romulans were counting on the element of surprise.

Memory Beta

* Sela made further appearances in the novels, becoming lovers with Tom Riker at one point, and taking part in the post-Shinzon Romulan government. Later she became chairman of the Tal Shiar and indirectly caused the destruction of Deep Space Nine.
* Her Star Trek Online history is quite different. She became Empress in 2408, but not for long as she disappeared through an Iconian Gateway. She ended up in the Delta Quadrant, but made it back home.

Nitpicker's Guide

* In "The Defector" it was made clear that the Romulan science community would love to take Data apart. Why didn't Sela separate Data from the others?
* Why did Data do such a bad job reproducing Riker? Doesn't he have a photographic memory?
* Phil wonders if Spock is meant to be impersonating a Romulan since he doesn't have the Romulan forehead. I'd argue that the forehead is more or less pronounced in different Romulans, just like Klingon forehead ridges.
* Why didn't the Romulans create a counterpart of Starfleet's tachyon detection grid to find cloaked Klingon ships? I'm still confused as to how the tachyon detection grid can still exist this long after the Klingon Civil War. Is Starfleet really telling a dozen ships to stay near the Neutral Zone just to search for cloaked Romulan ships full time?

[Nate the Great]

It's a day early, but whatever...

November 18th, 1991, "A Matter of Time"

Fiver by Kira (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=amatteroftime)

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 45349.1. The Enterprise is on its way to Penthara Four, where a type C asteroid has struck an unpopulated continent. The resulting dust cloud could very well create a phenomenon not unlike the nuclear winters of twenty first century Earth.

So this is a reference to World War III. It lasted from 2026-2053. I'm sorry, but I'm surprised that a world war could last that long in the age of nuclear weapons.

PICARD: The Lieutenant's sensors detected a temporal distortion almost in our current course. There's a small object back there that wasn't there a few moments ago.

They almost treat this as routine. I'd mock this, but in retrospect they weren't too amazed at the Guardian of Forever, either.

RASMUSSEN: Late twenty sixth century Earth, to be exact. I've travelled back nearly three hundred years just to find you.

Did the writers forget that it's the late twenty-FOURTH century? That's two hundred years, not three hundred.

PICARD: Exactly what kind of historian are you?
RASMUSSEN: My focus is on the twenty second through the twenty fourth centuries. Early interstellar history.

If you want early Earth interstellar history, you need to include the twenty-first century as well. Idiot.

LAFORGE: The hull is made of some kind of plasticised tritanium mesh. We've nothing like it on record, at least not till now.

"Plasticized" means to either make something moldable like plastic or coat it with plastic. I don't see why you'd do either to a ship's hull.

PICARD: Bring his vessel into the shuttlebay. Place it under guard.

"The" shuttlebay? You do know that there are three shuttlebays on this ship, right?

PICARD: I realise that this visit is going to be difficult for some of us, but I've examined his credentials, and everything seems to be in order.

One of the biggest headscratchers in this episode. How would you know a set of credentials from the future is in order? How could you even check it?

RASMUSSEN: This is really a thrill, Data, like running across a Redstone missile or a Gutenberg bible. To think, the Model T of androids.

The PGM-11 Redstone was the first large American ballistic missile, in service from 1958-1964. I wonder if the viewers of the early '90s would even know what that is. The term "Model T of androids" also makes me scratch my head. The Model T was a revolution in mass production, something that doesn't apply to Data.

I'm getting conflicting numbers for how many Gutenberg Bibles are left. Apparently different people have different requirements for how complete a copy has to be to be a "complete copy."

RIKER: Why is there no record of other future historians travelling back to witness important events?
RASMUSSEN: We're obviously very careful. As a matter of fact, a colleague and I recently paid a call on a twenty second century vessel.

Must resist urge to insult Enterprise, must resist urge to insult Enterprise...

RASMUSSEN: What do you see as the most important example of progress in the last two hundred years?
RIKER: I suppose the warp coil. Before there was warp drive, humans were confined to a single sector of the galaxy.

Single sector? Try single system. A sector is twenty lightyears across. Sector 001 has Alpha Centauri and the Wolf system in addition to Earth.

WORF: There were no phasers in the 22nd century.

How the phase pistols of Enterprise compare to the phasers of later eras is a discussion for another time. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that a major difference is the discharge crystal.

RIKER: All he wanted to know about was previous starships. What I thought was innovative about the last Enterprise, the one before that. He said he wanted to see if we had a grasp of the fundamentals.

I wonder what was innovative about the Enterprise-C. The Ambassador class was designed to be between the Excelsior and Galaxy and nothing more.

LAFORGE [OC]: We're okay, but those were pretty big, sir. If this was Earth, I'd say around an eight or an eight five on the Richter Scale.

The Richter scale is logarithmic, so there's a big difference between 8.0 and 8.5. 8.5 has six times the energy of 8.0, in fact. Geordi should be more precise.

RASMUSSEN: What in God's name is that?
DATA: Music, Professor.
RASMUSSEN: Music?
DATA: Yes, sir. Mozart's Jupiter symphony in C major, Bach's Brandenburg Concerto number three, Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, second movement, molto vivace and La Donna e Mobile from Verdi's Rigoletto.

Listen to Mozart here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnK3kh8ZEgA). Listen to Bach here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLj_gMBqHX8). Listen to Beethoven here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tn4lk8fRskA). Listen to Verdi here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvhUmzBP_aI), or the EMH version "Tuvok You Are a Vulcan Man" here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mz3lWf1fY5c).

I wouldn't recommend opening all of these links at once.

RASMUSSEN: How the hell can you listen to four pieces of music at the same time?
DATA: Actually, I am capable of distinguishing over one hundred and fifty simultaneous compositions, but in order to analyse the aesthetics, I try to keep it to ten or less.

This seems odd. You'd think Data could play them all in his head anyway.

PICARD: Unless we do something about it, I'm told that in a matter of weeks thousands, maybe tens of thousands, will die.
RASMUSSEN: That'd be a shame.
PICARD: Yes, it would. It would be quite a shame.

I'm trying to think of a bigger understatement in Trek, but nothing's coming to mind.

PICARD: Oh no, I'm not. Everything that Starfleet stands for, everything that I have ever believed in, tells me I cannot ask you that. But at the same time, there are twenty million lives down there, and you know what happened to them. What will happen to them.

This seems more like a Kirk sentiment, frankly.

WORF: Warp power has being rerouted to the main deflector dish, Commander.

I wonder if they reenforced the power conduits after the Borg invasion to make this easier to do.

(tricorder, the neural stimulator, a hypospray, one of Geordi's visors, a PADD, a Klingon knife)

How many spare VISORs does Geordi have? Of course they'd want one spare around, but how did Rasmussen find it?

RASMUSSEN: I was quite content with the notion of returning with those trinkets. I'd invent about one a year. But now, look what fortune has graced me with. You will take a little longer to figure out than a tricorder, but it should be well worth the effort.

I'll buy that Rasmussen could figure out a tricorder faster than the Sigma Iotians could figure out a communicator, but I don't think he could reverse-engineer Data. Maddox can't do it with a team of engineers and full Starfleet support, so how could this con man?

(the time ship shuts its door and vanishes)
RASMUSSEN: No!
PICARD: I'm sure there are more than a few legitimate historians at Starfleet who will be quite eager to meet a human from your era. Oh, Professor. Welcome to the twenty fourth century.

We'll cover Rasmussen's future in the Memory Beta section

The Fiver

Worf: Captain, I have detected a temporal distortion.
Picard: But this is a "save the planet" episode, not a "time travel" episode.
Worf: Perhaps it is both.
Picard: Nonsense, that's ridiculous.

No more ridiculous than a time travel episode also being a romantic drama episode, Captain...

Riker: What exactly are you here to witness?
Rasmussen: Does it really matter? Unless I've stumbled on a Holodeck episode, something's bound to happen.

Not really, the Enterprise spends a lot of its time as a taxi, and that's not very interesting...

Rasmussen: What if you manipulate the timeline and people die?
Picard: Nonsense. I would never do anything that stupid and irresponsible.

This one's funny because you can't pin down which episode Picard is talking about.

Picard: Guards, put this man in the brig.
Rasmussen: The brig? What for?
Picard: To do time, of course.

That's a weak pun.

Memory Alpha

* The creators were thinking of Robin Williams for the role. I can't see it.
* First reference to the Enterprise-B. I doubt it, the ship's been on the observation lounge mural for ages.

Memory Beta

* I forgot that Rasmussen took place in Quark's poker tournament in "The Big Game." That's a fun novel.
* A Strange New Worlds story tells us that he went back in time and inspired Roddenberry to make Star Trek.

[Nate the Great]

"A Matter of Time"-Nitpicker's Guide


* Rasmussen refuses to answer Data's question about whether he's still alive in the 26th century, but Data should be able to figure out that he's not, because if he's alive why would Rasmussen be so interested in him? In the novels he comes back in a couple different ways (I prefer the Immortal Coil version, of course).

* Riker asks when historians start using time travel for research. Um, the TOS crew did that in "Assignment, Earth"!
* If Rasmussen his human, how can he shield himself from Troi?
* Even if Rasmussen somehow figures out how isolinear circuitry works, he would have no way of knowing how to mass-produce it.

[NAHTMMM]

November 4th, "Unification Part 1"

Fiver by IJD GAF (Hey Zeke, why didn't he write a fiver for Part 2 at the same time?)
[...]

For that matter, where are these intelligence reports coming from? Does Starfleet maintain a network of spies on Romulus?
They'd be nuts not to.

PERRIN: Between Spock and his father. They had argued for years. That was family. But when the debates over the Cardassian war began, he attacked Sarek's position publicly. He showed no loyalty to his father.

You gotta wonder what they were fighting about. I can't help but wonder what positions they took on the Occupation.
Could be Sarek wanted a calm, careful, 100% diplomatic approach from the entire Diplomatic Corps while Spock wanted cowboy diplomacy. Could be they had different ideas of Cardassian psychology and how to deal with it. Could be they were being stubborn Vulcans who agreed on 99.9% of the approach but went to war over whether decaf raktajino should be served at the peace negotiations.



Sarek: ?"pardeK" ekil ,sdrow esnesnon emos tuoba woH .sdrawkcab gniklat fo tibah eht pu nekat ev'I ,snacluV enasni tsom htiw sA

"As with most insane Vulcans, I've taken up the habit of talking backwards. How about some nonsense words, like Kedrar?"

Is there another fiver with a backwards talking insane Vulcan?
Endgame.


November 11th, 1991, "Unification Part Two"

[...]

PICARD: I was with him before coming here. He expressed his pride in you. His love.
SPOCK: Emotional disarray was a symptom of the illness from which he suffered.
PICARD: No, those feelings came from his heart, Spock. He shared them with me. I know.
SPOCK: Sarek would no more approve my coming here than you do, Picard.

Spock seems to be confusing Sarek's general opinion of him with his specific opinion of this one mission. The two aren't remotely the same.
Considering that Sarek's expressed opinion of Spock was tied in with his opinion of Spock joining Starfleet, and then their public difference over Cardassia was enough to constitute a personal betrayal, and the old trope of a father withholding love from his son over his son's choices in life, the two doubtless seem the same to Spock.

Actually, it was Pardek himself that informed Spock of this, at Khitomer. Which is weird, because even though everything is chess with the Romulans, do they really routinely start plans that will take decades to reach fruition?
They presumably live long enough that they might.

[Flying Gremlin]

* Her Star Trek Online history is quite different. She became Empress in 2408, but not for long as she disappeared through an Iconian Gateway. She ended up in the Delta Quadrant, but made it back home.

In STO, thanks to Denise Crosby being a frequent voiceover actress for the game, Sela tried to invade Vulcan again (or destroy it, considering she was in a thaleron-equipped ship and her motives were never truly clear), worked with some very bad people, got kidnapped by different bad people, ended up being directly responsible for the destruction of Romulus and the murder of billions because of petty revenge and time travel shenanigans, and finally laid Tasha Yar to rest. Her current status in game is in a secure penal colony for her crimes against sentients... and whoo boy are there a lot.

Also, she gets a "This is Sparta!" moment with Taris, the Romulan whom commanded the warbird in the first mention of the Iconians.

[Nate the Great]

January 6th, 1992, "New Ground"

No fiver (has anyone claimed this one?)

Major Treknology ranting ahead, you have been warned.

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 45376.3. We are approaching the planet Bilana Three, where a new method of propulsion known as the Soliton Wave is being developed. The Enterprise has been asked to participate in one of the first tests of this new technology.

This soliton wave thing always bugged me. I understand that the notion of a ship going FTL without an internal engine being valuable as a scientific curiosity, but as a practical method of travel it's a complete bust. A ship can only travel between locations with the appropriate equipment. If something goes wrong there's no way to stop or start independently. The slightest mistake in setting course means the ship is trapped going FTL with no way to stop until a ship receives their distress call.

For that matter, who's to say that you wouldn't have to use a different form of subspace transmission when using the soliton wave? Would civilian craft be monitoring the right frequency?

In other words, you'd need a warp ship nearby to make sure the soliton wave ship was okay. So why not just use the warp ship?

LAFORGE: Data! Data, isn't this exciting? We are going to witness a moment in history.
DATA: Every nanosecond in this continuum is a moment in history, once it has elapsed.

Sometimes Data's pedantry annoys me.

LAFORGE: This is going to be like being there to watch Chuck Yeager break the sound barrier, or Zephram Cochrane engage the first warp drive.

Of course this is funny in retrospect. Yeager himself won't be mentioned again until Enterprise. Of course there's the Yeager Loop in "The First Duty", but I don't see why it would be named after Chuck Yeager. Maybe Yeager had a descendent who was a famous pilot in the early warp era.

HELENA [on monitor]: I hope you don't mind us dropping in on you like this, but when I heard the Enterprise was to be in this sector, we took the first transport and here we are.

This doesn't seem like a top-secret mission, but you have to wonder why civilians would have access to a detailed itinerary of the flagship's movements. Did Sergei use his contacts in Starfleet?

HELENA: Worf. Worf. It's so good to see you. You look wonderful. Is that a touch of grey in your beard?

I know that this is simple teasing, but it does make one wonder. It looks like Klingons stay vital a lot longer than humans do (the centenarian humans we've seen are pretty decrepit and Klingons aren't), but does this mean that their hair starts going gray later?

Meaningless aside, but the gray/grey thing has long irked me. I use "gray" because that's what I was taught, and "grey" seems...pretentious, somehow.
Historically the "gray" spelling is more recent.

HELENA: Lapsang suchong tea, please.

Lapsang suchong is a variant on black tea. The leaves are smoke-dried over a pinewood fire. The plant originally came from China. There is a tea variant called Russian Caravan that is a blend of oolong, keemun, and lapsang souchong. In the 18th century there were camel caravans that took tea from China to Europe via Russia. Folk tales say that the tea took on the smoky taste of the campfires. Maybe Helena meant Russian Caravan.

And that's your dose of useless knowledge for the day. I don't even know anything about tea, I don't drink it.

HELENA: Alexander needs to be with his father.
WORF: Mother, that is not possible. We must find another option.

How is it not possible? The entire point of the Galaxy-class is that there be families and children on board. I still don't think that it's a good idea for a ship that's going to be battling Borg and Romulans, but that's what Starfleet wanted.

As much as I like Worf, I think that his relationship with Alexander was never written well. The whole "Worf wants Alexander to be a traditional Klingon, Alexander doesn't want to" thing was extended far too long. At a certain point, no matter how good the writing, it turned into wheel-spinning. And wheel-spinning isn't entertaining!

Frankly Worf should've sent Alexander to Kurn at this point. Kurn has children at this point, it probably would've worked better. And by the way, doesn't K'Ehleyr (I hate having to copy and paste that name from Memory Alpha, I always want to put an "e" between the "h" and the "l") have relatives? In "The Emissary" she certainly spoke of her parents in the present tense.

WORF: Good. I understand you lived in my old room.

Elsewhere in fiction we see parents who maintain their children's old rooms as shrines. I doubt that this happened in Worf's case, he probably didn't keep anything except his father's bat'leth with him (Meaningless aside, but how did he get that, anyway? Did Kahlest mail it to him after the Khitomer Massacre?). And I don't think that Nikolai would maintain a childhood shrine either.

KYLE: It doesn't matter. I think I can figure it out. Date of birth?
(Worf doesn't know)
ALEXANDER: The forty third day of Maktag, stardate 43205.

Mixing Klingon and Starfleet dates seems odd. Only mention of the month of Maktag. Stardate 43205 is just prior to "Booby Trap". "The Emissary" is Stardate 42901.3. That's not even four months of pregnancy. "Reunion" is 44246.3, Alexander is barely a year old. Repeat wonderment on why Paramount said "1000 stardates=1 year" in the first place.

PICARD: Come. Mister Worf, I thought our meeting was scheduled for eleven hundred hours.
WORF: I apologise for being late, Captain. I was detained in school. I was enrolling my son in class.

You can tell this was made before the age of email and personal messages, when written communication is only possible via PADD. Grumble grumble.

KYLE [OC]: Kyle to Lieutenant Worf.

Civilians should not be able to communicate with officers on duty unless it's an emergency, period. Shouldn't Worf have a secretary in the security department that can handle this stuff?

CRUSHER [OC]: I need to schedule a physical examination for Alexander. I also need his complete medical records from Earth and the medical records of his--

Okay, maybe Miss Kyle doesn't have access to Worf's duty hours. Dr. Crusher DOES. I hate the logic behind this scene, even if it leads to a nice bit of characterization from Picard.

PICARD: Warp without warp drive.
RIKER: They're going to put you out of a job, Geordi.
LAFORGE: I hope so, Commander.

NO, IT WON'T! I wish that the writers had put a bit more thought into this plot. Even IF the Federation had comprehensive soliton wave support, the engineering team has to cover more than just the warp drive. Impulse, life support, sensors, etc.

JA'DAR: The soliton emits a great deal of subspace radio interference. You'll need to remain within twenty kilometres in order to receive telemetry.

Twenty kilometers? The writers do know that the Enterprise itself is a kilometer long, right? 20k is paint-scrapingly close.

KYLE: Now, I'd like to show you a pair of animals we're trying to save from extinction. Would you follow me? They're from Corvan Two, where their homes in the rainforests are being threatened by industrial pollutants.

Industrial pollution seems unusual for the 24th century. Is Corvan II not part of the Federation? Did they barely invent warp drive?

The planet reappears in Online and Discovery.

Lieutenant Worf, personal log, stardate 45376.8. Alexander has acted shamefully, and as his father I must now deal with him. But I find that I would gladly fight ten armed Baldur warriors rather than face one small child.

Memory Alpha says that the species is actually called "Balduk". They make a few appearances in the novels. They look sort of like wolves.

Like I said, Worf doesn't seem ready to be a father at this point.

ALEXANDER: Kahless?
WORF: And his brother, Morath. They fought for twelve days and twelve nights because Morath had broken his word and brought shame to his family.

I refer you to the novel Kahless which fleshes out their relationship. Furthermore the blood that Kahless's clone came from is actually Morath's blood (so he's actually Morath's clone).

DATA: The prototype has been towed into position, Captain.
RIKER: Initiate a radio link to the ship.

Radio? They do know that radio would be useless in this situation, right?

DATA: The test ship is maintaining at warp two point three five, sir.
LAFORGE: That's a little faster than they anticipated, but still well within mission parameters.

For that matter, all other factors aside, can soliton wave ships even reach Warp Nine? Even IF we retrofitted the entire Federation to support such ships, do we really want to be limited to TOS speeds, if not ENT speeds?

PICARD: Mister Data, is the wave affecting our warp drive?
DATA: No, sir. The effect has been localised to within two kilometres of the wavefront.

This seems like a question to ask BEFORE the test. Was the audience really asking this question?

[Nate the Great]

PICARD: What happened to the test ship?
DATA: Our last readings indicate the craft exploded due to extreme shearing stress.
...
PICARD: We sustained some minor damage. Do you know what happened?
JA'DAR [on viewscreen]: The preliminary data we received indicate a transient power imbalance.
LAFORGE: That would be consistent with our telemetry readings from the ship. We detected a sudden drop in transfer efficiency just before the explosion.

So all of a sudden the soliton wave started being less efficient, leading to a less consistent force profile on the ship. How is that supposed to make any sort of sense? What caused it? Did the ship start flexing, leading to a nonuniform force distribution from the wave, leading to more flexing? What caused the initial flexing? For that matter, wouldn't they deliberately design the inertial dampeners and structural integrity fields to be more robust than a normal ship?

ALEXANDER: I have not lied!
WORF: Alexander, do not continue to
ALEXANDER: She's lying! She hates me, that's why she makes up stories about me!

While this might make sense as a plotline because of Worf's sense of honor, it doesn't make sense from Alexander's perspective. K'Ehleyr was very honest and so are the Roshenkos. Furthermore, this lying thing will never come up again.

In retrospect it would've made more sense for Alexander to be racist against non-Klingons. There are dramatic possibilities there.

DATA: Sir, the energy level of the wave has increased by a factor of twelve. At this rate, it will have increased by a factor of two hundred by the time it reaches Lemma Two.

HOW? This thing is going through subspace, where is the extra energy coming from?

WORF: I will be pleased that he is receiving the guidance he requires.
TROI: Is that how you felt when he left to live with your parents?
WORF: That was different. At the time, I felt he needed a home, a family. Things I could not provide for him.

How have things changed in the last 14 months since "Reunion"? Nothing, Worf is just saying that he doesn't want the trouble of a child. This is why I think Alexander should've been sent to live with Kurn's family.

WORF: He was no burden. I simply knew that a Klingon child required more attention than I could provide.
TROI: I see.

An interesting notion. Klingons believe in children having two parents if possible. Odd, because it stands to reason that most families have fathers that are always serving on a ship somewhere, meaning essentially the mothers are single parents anyway.

LAFORGE: Well, there are two possibilities. We could attempt to use our own warp engines to generate an inverse-resonance wave. If we could match the exact frequency and amplitude of the soliton, we should be able to neutralise it.

Given that warp drive and the soliton wave are completely different, I fail to see how this is possible.

RIKER: Why can't we go around it?
DATA: The wave has been growing in size as well as power. There is insufficient time remaining for us to circumvent it before it reaches Lemma Two.

So the wave is going at about Warp 7 at this point. This thing will hit the planet in a couple of hours. Three hours at Warp 7 is 0.224 lightyears. Lets say that they would attempt to go around it at Warp 9 (about 2.5 times the speed of the wave). I'll skip the geometry, but this indicates that this wave is THREE times wider than the distance between it and the planet!

TLDR: Writers Cannot Do Math!

PICARD: Ensign, after we've passed through the wave, I want you to take us at a relative position twenty three kilometres in front of it.

Compared to the size of the wave this distance is the equivalent of "I'm not touching you!"

RIKER: Alert sickbay to prepare for possible casualties.

Possible casualties? Your shields aren't even at half strength and you're about to be smacked by something moving seven hundred times faster than light!

RIKER: Red Alert. Load torpedo bays. Set warhead yields to level sixteen.

They take the time to adjust the amount of antimatter in a torpedo before firing it? Wouldn't there be different "classes" of torpedo with a range of preset yields available?

RIKER: We have some gaps in the aft shields, Captain. When the torpedoes explode, these areas will be contaminated with ion radiation. We need to evacuate sections twenty four to forty seven, decks thirty five through thirty eight.

I haven't read the TNG Technical Manual in awhile, but I do know that the stardrive section only has about a dozen sections (the saucer has 36).

For that matter, why is the biolab so close to Engineering?

WORF: Klingon schools are designed to be difficult. The physical and mental hardships faced by the students are meant to build character and strength. However, if you wish to face a greater challenge, you may stay here with me. It will not be easy, for either one of us, but perhaps we can face the challenge together.
ALEXANDER: I accept your challenge, Father. I will stay.
WORF: I believe your mother would be pleased.

This is too pat of an ending. What was really resolved? If Worf's paternal instinct was triggered, couldn't we have had a conversation with Troi about this.

Memory Alpha

* Corvan gilvos will later appear in "The Nagus." One hopes they built better puppets.
* Dr. Ja'Dar's actor would reappear as Reg's boss Pete on Voyager. I never would've guessed.
* On DS9 soliton pulses would reappear as a carrier wave for signals through the wormhole.
* One of the TOS-era Section 31 novels reveals that soliton wave propulsion was proposed at that time.

Nitpicker's Guide

* At one point Troi accidentally said "Mrs. Kyle" instead of "Miss Kyle." You'd think this would've justified another take.
* Supposedly the Enterprise can't fly around the wave, but it doesn't look that big on the screen. Even external shots show the thing to be only a few times bigger than the ship. Does it create that much subspace interference?
* Phil wonders why Alexander uses the last name Roshenko when Worf doesn't. I think it's pretty clear why. Worf was an older child and had an identity as a son of the House of Mogh. It would be understandable that Worf would consider taking the Roshenko name to be the same as abandoning his father's name. My question is why Alexander would feel the need for any last name. K'Ehleyr has no last name, presumably because her Klingon father didn't feel the need for one. (As an aside, why would B'Elanna want to use the name of Torres if she resents her father so much?)

[Nate the Great]

I'm a little early on this one, but I don't care...

January 27th, 1992, "Hero Worship"

No fiver

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 45397.3. Two days ago, Starbase five one four lost contact with the research vessel Vico, which was sent to explore the interior of a Black Cluster. We are en route to investigate.

Only mention of black clusters in canon. The expanded universe says that a black cluster is the result of multiple protostars collapsing in proximity to each other.

RIKER: What a sight.
PICARD: One of the most ancient formations in the galaxy.

I don't like it when Trek declares that a stellar phenomenon has to be really old to be impressive.

DATA: Outer and inner hulls have been breached.

I have to wonder what the purpose of separate outer and inner hulls would be. Any weapon that can penetrate one would penetrate the other as well.

RIKER: Set up a translink to their computer core.

I thought that "translink" would be an outdated computer networking term, but no. In the real world the word describes certain rail lines.

DATA: I cannot, sir. The emergency bulkheads on that deck are in place. Our linkup signal cannot penetrate them.

You'd think there'd be a dedicated external transmitter for translinks, something that can't be blocked by emergency bulkheads.

Captain's log, supplemental. A young boy, shielded from our initial sensor scans, has been discovered pinned beneath a fallen beam.

We'll be told later that "victrium alloy" in the bulkhead is blocking the transporter signal, but I'd think they could design Starfleet ships to be transparent to Starfleet sensors.

HUTCHINSON: The lock is holding. I just can't resolve the matter stream, not with all that victurium alloy in the way.

Resolve the matter stream? The sensors signals are being blocked and scattered, they shouldn't be able to engage the transporter at all!

TIMOTHY: Are you're going to lift that?
DATA: Yes. Then I will take you to the corridor. We will transport back to the Enterprise from there. Do you understand?
TIMOTHY: How come you can pick up something so heavy?
DATA: I am an android. My strength is many times that of a human.

Are they implying that Data is stronger than any humanoid species on record? I find that to be a dubious claim.

TIMOTHY: We were in the Black Cluster. I don't know where they came from. They had a big ship and they kept shooting at us. Then they beamed over. They had purple helmets on and phaser rifles.

Breen helmets are bronze colored. Do Federation children know that?

LAFORGE: This is not good. Whatever hit the Vico must have set up an EM pulse that flashed through their computer banks.
DATA: Nearly eighty three percent of their records have been lost.

We can't make electronics EMP proof in the 24th century?

TEACHER: Dara and her brother found themselves in the land of Tagas where the ruler, Elamos the Magnificent, had proclaimed as law. 'No children will be tolerated within the Great Kingdom'. When Dara saw the proclamation, she just laughed, and said, 'How magnificent a ruler, to be frightened by the likes of us.'

Only mention of any of this. You gotta wonder why they couldn't have used Earth names in this story.

DATA: Fracture points indicate that the energy burst came from a range of less than three thousand metres.
PICARD: But that's a strategy consistent with a cloaked vessel. Romulan. Or Klingon. But we're quite a distance from either of their territories.

I find it odd that no other major power has cloaking devices. The Suliban haven't been invented yet. Something that I find interesting is that we haven't seen Klingon subgroups, ones that would be more aggressive than the others. It would be an interesting plotline to pursue.

LAFORGE: There was absolutely no evidence of anybody coming on board the Vico. We would have found a transporter field trace. Or if somebody had used the entry ports, we would have found an electrostatic differential in the docking latches, and we didn't.

When's the last time an attacking ship physically docked with their victim? I find the idea of an "electrostatic differential" dubious as well, surely by now all docking latches would be grounded to prevent such things.

TROI: If he's lying, I haven't been able to sense it. Perhaps his emotional trauma level is too high.

I don't like this idea. It weakens Troi and only exists to extend the plot to fill an hour.

DATA: Ah. You are attempting to recreate the Dokkaran temple of Kural Hanesh?
TIMOTHY: Isn't it great?!

Only appearance of Dokkarans. One wonders why they didn't use ancient Vulcans or Andorians or whatever.

DATA: The Black Cluster was formed almost nine billion years ago.

The galaxy is almost fourteen billion years old. How can the Black Cluster be one of the most ancient formations then?

TROI: So, what would you like?
TIMOTHY: Androids do not need to eat or drink. (spots a dessert being carried by a waiter) However, sometimes we like to taste things. A Tamarin frost, please.

Cute moment. Only appearance of Tamarin frosts, or Tamarins at all. However, an RPG module has the planet Tamarind. In the real world Tamarins are a classification of small monkey in Latin America. I hope these frost things aren't made out of monkey blood or anything.

PICARD: An android?
TROI: I know it sounds unusual, but it is understandable. Technically, it's called enantiodromia. Conversion into the opposite.

Enantiodromia was formalized by Carl Jung, but its history goes back to Ancient Greece. Taoism has a similar principle. Homeopathy also follows this sort of thinking.

DATA: Timothy, your head movements are counterproductive. Can you be still?
TIMOTHY: But you do it.
DATA: The servo mechanisms in my neck are designed to approximate human movements. I did not realize the effect was so distracting.

Data does tilt his head a bit too much. However, the idea that he doesn't have conscious control of his head to this degree is a little disturbing.

TIMOTHY: I like it. Data, are there any other androids in Starfleet?

Wouldn't Timothy have looked up Data's service record hours ago and know this already? Is Lore's existence classified?

TIMOTHY: How come you're not Captain?
DATA: My service experience does not yet warrant such a position.

Plus he's in Operations, not Command. He doesn't have sufficient command experience.

WORF: We are approaching the perimeter. I'm picking up the gravitational wavefronts.
...
LAFORGE: Adjusting shield frequencies now, Commander. We'll have this smoothed out in just a second.

Are they insinuating that shield emissions can dampen gravitational effects? I doubt that. I would think that this problem isn't a matter of "frequencies", it's a matter of shield shape. They want to cut through the wavefronts, right?

WORF: Captain, gravitational wavefront intensity is increasing steadily. Eleven hundred standard G units and rising.

It's interesting to consider the translation of gravitational attraction to field strength. I could probably create adequate Treknobabble, but it sounds like a rather pointless endeavor.

WORF: The distortion is still in effect.
RIKER: Better jacket the scanning beam.
WORF: The secondary beam is being distorted as well.

Protecting one signal with another, another interesting exercise in Treknobabble that I won't be attempting.

PICARD: Phasers and sensors both useless? Mister Data, this reflection phenomenon, would it have the same effect on a disruptor-style weapon?
DATA: Yes, sir. Disruptors would be ineffectual.
PICARD: And a ship's cloaking field?
DATA: It would be extremely difficult to maintain.

How could a cloak work at all in here? A key principle to the cloak is making what's in front of you look like what's behind you. That can't work in here, the paths of energy wouldn't have predictable paths.

DATA: It is not possible. The onboard control systems for every starship require a user code clearance.

You have to enter a code into every console to operate it? Couldn't you have the console scan the user and check it against a list?

LAFORGE: Captain, I've transferred fusion reactors four through nine into the shield array. That should double the shield strength.

They don't devote all possible power to the shields already? You can double shield strength without the warp engines?

It occurs to me that natural phenomenon wouldn't have frequency spectrums that big, and weapons would be using varying profiles to stop frequency-specific blocking.

LAFORGE: We could run the shield grid directly off the warp drive.

This wasn't being done already? Geordi had to ask permission?

Memory Alpha

* The cast and crew learned of Gene's death during the filming of this episode.
* Second mention of the Breen, the first was in "The Loss".

Nitpicker's Guide

* Why is Timothy left alone in a set of quarters? (I would argue that this is probably standard operating procedure, TNG kids are mature enough to earn independence early. Consider the cast of Jeremy Aster. I'm not sure how much of this is a joke.)

[Nate the Great]

February 3rd, 1992, "Violations"

Fiver by Derek (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=violations)

The episode

Captain's log, stardate 45429.3. While on a mapping survey, we are conveying a delegation of Ullians to Kaldra Four. These telepathic historians conduct their research by retrieving long-forgotten memories.

I get the usefulness of this particular brand of telepathy, but not for historians. This seems more like cultural research.

LAFORGE: How about you, Commander? Got any memories you feel like digging up?
RIKER: None that I'd care to share with an audience.

This is an interesting thing to think about. No doubt some people would want to remember rather intimate memories, stuff not suitable for a public setting. Do these guys have the equivalent of doctor-patient confidentiality?

DATA: It is perplexing to me that the Ullians' ability to retrieve memory is so highly prized. If an event were important enough to be recovered, why would it have been forgotten?
...
LAFORGE: Sometimes there are memories we just can't access at the spur of the moment. For instance, I have no recollection of how I spent my last birthday. Birthdays are important occasions, and you would think that I'd remember how I spent the day, but right now I can't even remember where I was.

Boy, do I sympathize. My memory recall is absolutely atrocious, but the memories are still there. While I can't access them in the usual way, I can be reminded of them by trigger sensations. Seeing a souvenir, hearing a song, a taste, a smell, things like that. This is why I enjoy Jeopardy and Antiques Roadshow.

TARMIN: You, Mister Worf? I would love to explore Klingon memories.
WORF: Klingons do not allow themselves to be probed.

As SF Debris would say, Klingons structure their memories into stories to convey certain messages and feelings. I have no doubt that their minds have a different sort of filing system for memories.

TARMIN: Once Jev spent two days with a contingent of elderly Gentons. He couldn't get anything from them. I spent only one hour with them and retrieved a fragment from the Gentonian trade wars.

Only mention of Gentons. Memory Beta doesn't even have an entry for them. One wonders why they didn't use another race. Perhaps the Ferengi can be read by these guys, or use one of the familiar yet obscure races like Tellarites or Rigellians.

TROI: Imzadi, we can't. Not when we're serving on the same ship.
"RIKER": Have you stopped thinking about us? Just answer that. I can't stop thinking about you.
TROI: Will, don't.

An interesting idea considering later events. Between the events of Insurrection and their posting on the Titan, I never thought that there was a blanket ban on relationships between senior officers. An unwise idea, but not banned.

Furthermore, I'm reminded of the events of the novel Immortal Coil. During the period when Worf was on DS9 Data has a relationship with the new security chief of the Enterprise-E (a long story by itself, but moving on...). Geordi doesn't think it's a good idea, but Data brings up Troi/Riker and Picard/Crusher.

An interesting idea to consider is that (at least in the early years) Riker put his desire for command above a possible relationship with Troi. There's a whole screed to be had here, but I will desist. To sum up, at this point Riker and Troi have a romantic ceasefire in place, and even an illusionary Riker would be unacceptable to Troi.

RIKER: Deanna, I don't know if you can hear me. I've heard doctors say that even when someone's in a coma, they may be able to hear when people talk to them. That it might help stimulate the brain, speed the healing. In fact, I think you did that for me once, when I was in pretty bad shape.

They're actually bringing up "Shades of Grey"? Wow.

COMPUTER: Antimatter injection breach. Evacuate immediately.

How is the ship still here if there's been an antimatter breach?

CRUSHER: I found the same pattern. If I didn't know better, I'd say they both had Iresine syndrome. That's the only medical condition that would produce that pattern.
WORF: What is Iresine syndrome?
CRUSHER: A very rare neurological disorder first diagnosed in the twenty third century. It's characterised by an identical electropathic residue.

Only mention of Iresine Syndrome. I want to say that there would be a TOS episode that could be referenced here instead, but I can't think of an appropriate one.

PICARD: In the meantime, we must consider restricting them to their quarters, as a precautionary measure.
LAFORGE: If one of them is behind this, will keeping telepaths in their quarters prevent it from happening again?
PICARD: What else can we do?

It's already been established that they haven't invented telepathy-proof shielding yet. This would be a great place to establish that this species requires close proximity to use their telepathy; it would make sense given their abilities.

TROI: How long have I been here?
MARTIN: Three days.

And yet she's not hooked up to tubes and wires. Can the sensor cluster arc do that sort of thing? Can food and water be injected via hypospray? Is waste automatically beamed out?

JEV: Inad and I have contacted our home planet. If you want to prosecute my father, the authorities there will support you.
PICARD: I'm not sure we have any legal basis for such a prosecution. Memory invasion is simply not a crime we've ever had to contend with.

Really? There aren't any rogue Vulcans or Medusans out there? You'd think such crimes would be put on the books as soon as telepathy was discovered.

The Fiver

Inad: We are compiling a list of races' memories to put in our Great Library in Ullandria.
Picard: How very interesting! What a noble and laudable goal you have established.
Tarmin: Would you like your sociological and anthropological distinctiveness added to our own?
Picard: Get off my ship.

Yep, that's a sore subject.

Tarmin: Mr. Worf, would you like Jev to probe your mind?
Worf: Klingons do not have their minds probed.
Tarmin: Hm, Jev can't get to the core of a resistant person's memories. I'd better do it myself as an errand of mercy.
Jev: Grrr.

An interesting idea: does the mind sifter only work on non-Klingons?

Riker: Close the blast doors!
Nameless Ensign 1: But Nameless Ensign 2 is trapped back there!
Riker: Of all the necks on this ship, Ensign, the one you should be worried about is your own.
Jev: Have I mentioned how much I dislike you?

Odd place for a Princess Bride reference.

Riker: Would you like to play poker? And of course by "play poker" --
Troi: Answer's still no.
Shinzon: Aw, come -- Wait...
Reman Viceroy: No...
Tarmin: There we go. Now -- Aw, come on.

The Reman Viceroy's name is Vkruk, incidentally. This doesn't seem like a Romulan name to me. Maybe it's the ears, but I'm reminded of the Skrulls when I see a name like "Vkruk."

Picard: And now a speech. We're human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands, but we can stop it. We can....

A reference to the Kirk Speech in "A Taste of Armageddon." I'm not sure that I see the parallel.

Memory Alpha

* First episode made after Gene's death.
* Only episode where we see Keiko, but not O'Brien.
* Fans were angered that the Riker/Troi romance wasn't revisited after this episode. Jeri Taylor didn't intend this to be an indication that things would heat up again.

Nitpicker's Guide

* If the brain has been charted (remember when Crusher thought that headaches didn't exist anymore?), how come the question of whether people in comas can hear people talk to them hasn't been answered yet?

[Nate the Great]

February 10th, 1992, "The Masterpiece Society"

No fiver

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 45470.1. The Enterprise has been diverted to the Moab sector to track a stellar core fragment of a disintegrated neutron star. Our science teams have been asked to monitor the planetary disruptions it may cause.

Neutron stars themselves are the cores of supergiants expelled by supernova, themselves some of the densest stellar objects. They don't really "disintegrate", they either stick around or collapse into black holes.

Actually if a neutron star is a member of a binary system, the neutron star could accelerate the aging of their companion. At best this thing could be the remnant of the companion star after some sort of collision with something else.

A stellar core fragment also appeared in "The Naked Now", one wonders why they recycled the premise. The purpose could be achieved with a meteor shower threatening to impact with the star and creating a radiation burst.

PICARD: The fragment will have serious effects on your planet within six days.
CONOR [on viewscreen]: Yes, I know. We have been tracking it. But our biosphere has been constructed to withstand quakes of eight point seven on the Richter Scale.

The biggest earthquake on record is 9.5. Even in earthquake-intensive areas buildings are rarely built to withstand even a 7.

DATA: The fragment has a density of one hundred billion kilograms per cubic centimetre.

Neutron stars have a density of 10^17 kg/m3. Data just said 10^18 kg/m3. Shouldn't a fragment be LESS dense?

PICARD: I'm afraid we're going to have to evacuate your people.

I had a whole screed about the capacity of E-D and how many trips it would take to evacuate, but since we never got the population of Moab IV it would be rather pointless. However, we definitely got the impression that this isn't one of those sparsely-populated TOS planets, we have to be talking about millions of people at the least. Even if there was a planet close enough to evacuate two sets of people a day, that's a small fraction of the population.

PICARD: We are capable of matter-energy transport.
CONOR [on viewscreen]: Matter-energy?
PICARD: We can take you directly through the structure.
CONOR [on viewscreen]: Really? That's quite remarkable.

They'll later say that they left Earth two hundred years ago. Enterprise will say that they had transporters back then, even if it was only for cargo in the earlier days. They should be aware of the concept.

MARTIN: (an older man) This is a mistake, Aaron.
CONOR: Good Lord, Martin. What would you have me do?
MARTIN: Anything that would keep them out of here.
CONOR: We have nothing to hide.
MARTIN: We have a great deal to lose.

I've never been a fan of this "preserving our way of life is more important than preserving our actual lives" thing. It happens way too often.

CONOR: You see, this is an engineered society.
RIKER: Engineered?
CONOR: Genetically engineered. Our ancestors came from Earth to develop a perfect society. They believed that through controlled procreation, they could create people without flaws and those people would build a paradise.

Just because the people are genetically engineered doesn't make the society itself "engineered". When I see "engineered society" I think excessive socialism, which doesn't seem to be the situation here. Although I dispute the idea that your perfect career can be determined by genetics. This whole nature vs nurture debate could've been addressed.

MARTIN: Frankly, yes. No one in this society would be blind, for example.

You claim to have bred out all possible genetic factors for blindness and other handicaps? I'm dubious about that, I would find it more plausible that they have the habit of aborting handicapped fetuses, but of course they wouldn't get away with that in 1992.

CONOR: We've achieved a fully integrated existence. Not just among ourselves but with our environment. We don't just live here, we're a part of our environment. it is part of us. Every plant life, every microscopic lifeform is part of a master design. We cannot separate ourselves from it without irreparably altering who and what we are.

I find this disturbing. You can't possibly anticipate all possible interactions between species, or the affect of genetically modifying one species on the others.

CONOR: Not at all. My entire psychological makeup tells me that I was born to lead. I am exactly what I would choose to be. Think of it another way. Are there still people in your society who have not discovered who they really are, or what they were meant to do with their lives? They may be in the wrong job, they may be writing bad poetry. Or worse yet, they may be great poets working as labourers, never to be discovered. That does not happen here. It is, for us, an ideal existence. We will not give it up easily.

I'm all for educating people about the pros and cons of possible careers, but taking personal liberty out of the equation is also disturbing.

HANNAH: I've worked up a few schematics based on gravimetric potentials and deflector energy allocation.

Gravimetric potential? That just means an object's potential energy that comes from being at a higher elevation, it has nothing to do with this scenario.

HANNAH: Your ship. What kind of energy output is it capable of generating?

12.75 exawatts. That's 12.75(10^18) watts. The United States as a whole is 1.12(10^12) watts. Yikes.

LAFORGE: We can move a small moon or an asteroid, but a stellar core fragment? That's much too massive for our tractor beam.

You can move a small moon? You tried and failed back in "Deja Q", remember?

LAFORGE: A multiphase tractor beam?
HANNAH: When we first spotted the fragment approaching, I came up with the idea, but we can't generate the kind of energy we would need. You can.

I think the idea is that they're going to layer multiple tractor beams on top of each other, each with its own phase. How they are supposed to pull this off is beyond me. I wonder if the warp core is still tied directly into the deflector dish and they could use Wesley's repelling tech.

LAFORGE: It won't affect her DNA at all. There's been over a century of evidence to prove that.

Actually two hundred years if Enterprise is to be believed.

PICARD: They've managed to turn a dubious scientific endeavor into dogma.
TROI: You don't approve of genetic engineering.
PICARD: It was a bad idea whose time is long past.

We could have quite the conversation about the similarities and differences between what Khan did and what these people are doing. Frankly I have a bigger problem with the part where they imply that your entire life is set in stone and your personality is altered to like it.

PICARD: They've given away their humanity with this genetic manipulation. Many of the qualities that they breed out, the uncertainty, the self-discovery, the unknown, those are many of the qualities that make life worth living. Well, at least to me. I wouldn't want to live knowing that my future was written, that my boundaries had been already set, would you?

As Kassidy would say, our only boundaries are those we create for ourselves. And that's the real problem; these people have voluntarily placed themselves in rather narrow boxes because science says that it's a good idea. I kinda wish that they'd ditched the genetic modifications and focused solely on the "our tests can find a person's ideal mate and job" part.

[Nate the Great]

HANNAH: If we increase warp power transfer by eighty percent.
LAFORGE: It's just going to blow the emitters again.

Really? They didn't replace the entire deflector dish with another one with upgraded specs after the Borg invasion? Just because the Borg are aware of one particular weak frequency doesn't mean that there weren't other possible weak frequencies that our heroes could discover.

HANNAH: It was the wish of our founders that no one had to suffer a life with disabilities.
LAFORGE: Who gave them the right to decide whether or not I should be here? Whether or not I might have something to contribute.
HANNAH: I don't know what to say.

The contributions of disabled people are a loaded issue by themselves. Let's just toss up a link to paintings by blind painters (https://www.everydaysight.com/blind-painters/) and move on.

LAFORGE: Well, the visor scans the electromagnetic spectrum between one hertz and one hundred thousand terahertz, converts it all to usable frequencies and then transmits that information directly to my brain.

One hertz is past the radio wave range. 100,000 terahertz is a bit clunky, you could just say 100 petahertz (10^17 hertz). That's in the middle of the X-ray range.

HANNAH: What about the data conversion rates? How do you avoid a sensory overload?
LAFORGE: A bank of pre-processors compresses the data stream into pulses, you see. That way, my visual cortex never--

I wish that there was a proverbial "tuner" attached to the VISOR that let's Geordi select what he sees. His standard visual range should only dip into near-infrared and near-ultraviolet, 10^-4 to 10^-7 Hz.

Presumably these pre-processors are built into the nodes in his temples. I wonder what these pre-processors are programmed to bring to his attention. Has he set it to look for the frequencies put out by different warp engine components?

LAFORGE: We should be able to send a high-energy pulse through the tractor system. If it's short enough, it shouldn't overload the emitters. The technology is right here. If we could adapt those pulse compression routines and then apply them to the warp power conduits.
HANNAH: We'd have to avoid tractor force rebounding, but that shouldn't be hard.

I think the idea is that instead of a continual beam it will stutter so the emitter isn't "on" long enough to burn out. Even so, I have no idea how the force could "rebound."

CONOR: A nursery rhyme my mother used to read to me has been running round and round my mind since this all began.
TROI: A nursery rhyme?
CONOR: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
CONOR + TROI: All the King's horses and all the King's Men, couldn't put Humpty together again.
CONOR: Why do we tell our children such ghastly stories?

Good question, why does this society even tell fairy tales?

Captain's log, supplemental. The Enterprise has moved to a parallel course with the core fragment. We must adjust its trajectory by a minimum of one point two degrees to ensure the colony's safety.

Actually, the longer you wait the more you have to adjust the trajectory. If we assume that this fragment can't get any closer than the Moon is from the Earth, the fragment is 1500 times times the diameter of the planet away.

WORF: Why shouldn't we grant them asylum?
TROI: We can't do that.
LAFORGE: We have to do that.
TROI: Do you understand what it would do to the colony?
LAFORGE: I understand these are human beings, Counsellor, with free will. If she wants to leave, she has every right to.
RIKER: And what happens to the colony if she does? If others join her?
CRUSHER: The society is genetically integrated. Suddenly there would be gaps, missing pieces.
TROI: It would destroy them.

The entire point of democracy is that the rights of the state can never override the rights of the individual. This is a whole other discussion that needed to happen akin to the Prime Directive stuff in "Pen Pals".

PICARD: If you force them to stay, you will be suppressing their human rights.
CONOR: If even a handful leave, the damage to this society will be devastating. What about the rights of those who would stay behind? They are the ones who will inherit the social chaos that will follow for generations.

Your society is THAT structured? No redundancies? No wiggle room? I call that a dead society and I have no compassion.

PICARD: If we ever needed reminding of the importance of the Prime Directive, it is now.
RIKER: The Prime Directive doesn't apply. They're human.

What? At this point the PD covers all interactions between the Federation and non-Federation worlds. It definitely DOES apply!

[Nate the Great]

February 17th, 1992, "Conundrum"

Fiver by Marc (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=conundrum)

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 45494.2. We're investigating a series of subspace signals that may indicate intelligent life in the Epsilon Silar System. We are within sensor range.

You'd think by now they'd have automated tests on subspace signals that separate "intelligent life" versus "random fluctuations."

Furthermore, I'm starting to dislike the use of "intelligent life" as a synonym for "humanoid life". We've seen plenty of nonhumanoid sentient lifeforms.

ATA: The characteristic response to the Kriskov Gambit is to counter with the el-Mitra Exchange, particularly since I have already taken both your rooks. By missing that opportunity, you have left your king vulnerable.
TROI: We'll see.
DATA: As you wish, Counsellor. Check.
(Troi makes her move)
DATA: Intriguing. You have devised a completely unanticipated response to a classic attack. You will checkmate my king in seven moves.

Why anyone would play chess with Data is beyond me. Furthermore, I refuse to believe that anything seven moves away is set in stone. And seriously, Troi playing 3D chess?

TROI: You owe me one Samarian Sunset made in the traditional style, as only you can make it, Data.

The only other mention of Samarian Sunsets in canon is in "Profit and Loss" over on DS9. However, in Online Scotty says that they're sour and weak.

The weirdest mention in the expanded universe is the Star Trek Cookbook where Neelix made one for Tuvok. I know that Spock indulged on occasion, but I don't see Tuvok ever drinking like that. True Vulcans would never want their inhibitions lowered for even a second if possible.

RUSHER: If I remember correctly, the last time you graced my Sickbay, you were diving off the Cliffs of Heaven on Sumiko Four. Holodeck programme 47C.
KRISTIN: Same thing. Only that time, I flattened out when I should have tucked.
CRUSHER: Well, as your Doctor, I would like to recommend the Emerald Wading Pool on Cirrus Four. It's a lot safer.

Obvious 47 is obvious. Only mention of the Cliffs of Heaven or the Emerald Wading Pool (okay, an Okudagram in First Contact had the pool on the holoprogram list, but that doesn't really count).

Recreational swimming doesn't come up all that often in Trek. Skinny dipping seems to be a thing on Risa and Pacifica, but those are exceptions.

Oh, and while Worf seems to be anti-swimming, this isn't a general Klingon opinion. Kurn's house on Qo'noS has a swimming lake.

RIKER: Navigators on this ship have been doing flight handling assessments the same way for years, Ensign.
RO: And I've found a better way.
RIKER: Bridge. Do you mind if we discuss changes in procedure before you make them?
RO: If I had come to you in advance and asked you to do it my way
RIKER: I might have said
RO: No.
RIKER: Yes, maybe. The point is, I didn't get the chance.
RO: The point is, with all due respect Commander, you're trying to turn me into your idea of the model officer.
RIKER: The rules on this ship do not change just because Ro Laren decides they do.

I never did like the Riker/Ro animosity or the underlying sexual tension. Furthermore, I HATE the "if I had asked permission, you would have said no" thing.

It does make you wonder if "Conn" is in fact a complete department with its own head, or just a title for whoever is sitting at the helm at that moment. Is Ro just a pilot, or does she have other duties? It seems to me that Ro's job should've been like Worf's back in Season One; learning the different bridge stations before picking a specialty. We saw that Ro and Geordi had an interesting dynamic that could've been built upon. And did Ro and Data have any real interactions?

WORF: Sir, the scans are now matching the frequency of our optical data network. It could be an attempt to access our computer system.

It's not often you see "optical data network" instead of "ODN". I think the implication is that at this point the creators thought that the future of computer networking was strictly fiberoptics. Remember that these are still the days of dialup Internet, and even then it was only between large organizations. The World Wide Web was still in its infancy. HTML had barely been invented.

(Data puts a glass of clear liquid in front of Deanna, then taps it with his fingernail. A yellow glow diffuses into orange in the glass)

This won't be the first or last beverage on Trek that is this unstable, but of course the most memorable one is the Tsartak Apertif in "Time's Arrow". One wrong move and the whole thing will fizzle away.

(the Bridge is briefly flooded with bright green light)
PICARD: What happened?
LAFORGE: What the hell?
RIKER: I don't know who any of you are.
PICARD: Nor do I. I don't even remember who I am.

Lets get this out of the way: in no reasonable universe could an "amnesia ray" affect so many different species plus DATA in exactly the same way. To be frank, during the downtime Data should've been stunned and taken away. Plus, y'know, wouldn't the aliens want Data at his post to complete the mission?

PICARD: Clearly, we still possess certain skills. It would seem we know how to operate this ship. But our identities have somehow been erased or suppressed.
RIKER: We are on the Bridge. There's a good chance this is our ship. Looks like you're the leader.
WORF: Perhaps we should not jump to conclusions. I am decorated as well.

While a good gag, this doesn't make sense. While the aliens wouldn't care about the baldric, something as simple as rank insignia should be part of the general ship's knowledge that they'd want the crew to retain.

RO: That rules out a distress signal.
RIKER: If we even knew where to send it.

Isn't the whole point of a distress signal that you don't care who gets it? You just need help! And distress signals have always been omnidirectional.

MACDUFF: We've heard from all decks. There are over a thousand people on board. Everyone's had their memories affected in the same way we have.

And here we have another episode that neatly ignores the fact that there are children on board. Children who don't know who they are would be hysteric! Civilians without formal training would be hysteric! There should be chaos belowdecks!

LAFORGE: I'll go with you. I want to get my hands on the computer core. See if we can re-establish control from there.

THE computer core? You do realize that there are three computer cores on the ship, right? There are days that I wonder why the tech manual was written if nobodies actually going to use it as reference material.

RIKER: Well, with that holodeck we just saw. I think I could conjure up an interesting programme or two.
RO: Now that's disappointing.
RIKER: Why?
RO: You don't strike me as a man who needs a holodeck to have a good time.

I'm reminded of Riker's declarations in 11001001 (or whatever) that he can find his own fun. However, the idea that only a loser needs to use a holodeck is insulting to be honest with you. The weirdest part is that Gene's dead and they're still applying sexual innuendo to the holodeck. What's up with that?

RIKER: Your memories are gone as well?
DATA: The databanks that identify who I am are not functioning.

I refuse to believe that the Satarrans have the expertise to modify Data that much. He should be disassembled in a weapons lab by now.

TROI: No. Just for a moment, you seemed familiar.
RIKER: You remember me?
TROI: Not exactly. I mean, I don't know who you are, but there's something about you.

So their empathic bond has a unique telepathic fingerprint. Fair enough, and I expect the Satarrans can't block it. However, you'd think Troi would be off to be dissected and weaponized along with Data by now.

LAFORGE: Computer give me a biographical listing of all personnel responsible for primary operation of the ship.
COMPUTER: A full biographical listing is not available.
LAFORGE: Is there any list of the ship's senior officers?
COMPUTER: The crew manifest is available.

Insert typical technobabble rant here.

PICARD: What do we know about this weapon?
DATA: Our scientists theorise the Lysians are using an energy wave, either plasma-based or a subspace interference pattern.

Those aren't remotely similar technologies. It's like saying that the only two options for the power source of the A-Bomb are uranium and corbomite.

RO: I just didn't like the way my quarters were decorated. Besides, I have this funny feeling that maybe I spend most of my off hours here.
RIKER: Really?
RO: For all we know, you and I could be married.
RIKER: For all we know, you and I could hate each other.
RO: Sort of exciting, isn't it? We just don't know.

Like I said, this pairing never made sense to me. SF Debris says that it does because all of the baggage that otherwise would've held them back has been hidden. I disagree. Maybe a first-season Riker who was still chasing tail would be interested in Ro as a challenge, but it's the fifth season, he's "seasoned" (a horrible thing to say to a man) and would want someone who was a true companion, not just a lover.

Furthermore, Ro must've had her share of one-night stands as well, but without the baggage she should want to be more conventional. Bajorans know how to be warriors when they have to be, and lately they've certainly had to be, but in their natural state they're farmers and artists. They must have the same "nesting instinct" mentioned by Carmen back in "Silicon Avatar."

[Nate the Great]

RO: Maybe we should stay right here and see what happens.
RIKER: What if I snore in my sleep?
RO: What makes you think you're going to get any sleep?

At this point in Trek this is postively R rated.

One thing I find odd is that Picard will later say that his conscience is bugging him. Shouldn't the same thing be nagging these two that sex right now is a bad idea?

DATA: The destroyer has minimal shields. Their disruptor capacity appears to be only two point one megajoules.
RIKER: They're no match for the Enterprise.

A fan site (http://www.ditl.org/article-page.php?ArticleID=29&ListID=Articles) calculates the Enterprise's phasers at 22.5 million megajoules.

Yeah, I'd say a factor of ten million qualifies as "no match".

RO: I recommend a randomly vectored approach to our target. It would be our best chance of avoiding sort of any pursuit.

Randomly vectored approach? You mean zig-zagging, Ro. And I think a fleet can track one ship no matter what it's doing.

TROI: So what else has your research uncovered about William Riker?
RIKER: He's athletically inclined, loves to climb mountain. He's from somewhere called Alaska. He enjoys exotic food, and takes his vacations on a planet called Risa.

Exotic food? You know I have to link to "A Matter of Honor" now.. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoOfjGqo5EY).

Riker: These are the more palatable choices.

PICARD: I feel as though I've been handed a weapon, sent into a room and told to shoot a stranger. Well, I need some moral context to justify that action, and I don't have it. I'm not content simply to obey orders. I need to know that what I am doing is right.

It's a shame that this wasn't developed more.

RIKER: How can our mortal enemy be over a hundred years behind us in weapons technology?

One hundred years? Try two hundred! Archer could take these suckers out, and when I'm referencing Enterprise you know things are serious.

RO: (deadpan) Commander, don't worry about it. As far as I'm concerned, you and I have shared something that we will treasure forever.
(Ro leaves)
RIKER: Well, I'm a little confused.
TROI: Well, if you're still confused tomorrow, you know where my office is.

With an issue like this, shouldn't Troi have an assistant for Riker to talk to?

The Fiver

Worf: Who are all you people?
Ro: Beats me. I can't even recall who I am.
Picard: Neither can I. Remembrance is futile.

That pun hurts.

La Forge: Our mission is to enter Lysian space and obliterate their weapons of mass destruction.
Picard: Who issued that order?
Data: Ambassador Krajensky.
MacDuff: An unimpeachable source. Let's go.

Krejensky was replaced by a Changeling in "The Adversary". This is a reference even I had to look up.

MacDuff: Here's a printout of the latest intelligence on the enemy's illicit weapon-production program.
Picard: (reading) "The Lysians have nearly completed the Death Star, a space station with enough firepower to destroy an entire...."
MacDuff: It says "planet."
Picard: Yes, but why are there eraser marks under that word?
MacDuff: Uh -- maybe the report was recently updated.
Picard: (squinting at paper) It looks to me like it originally read "cream puff."
MacDuff: You're imagining things.

I get the joke, but I would've put "Tribble" in there. And then Worf would say that it sounds like a formidable weapon.

Troi: Interesting -- a statue from Risa and a love note from me to you. What do you think it adds up to?
Ro's voice: (from outside the door) Are you home, sweetie?
Riker: Boy, do I ever hate multiple-choice questions.

Even with amnesia, I can't see Ro using the term "sweetie." Heck, I can't see KIRA using the term "sweetie."

MacDuff: Then this strike shall be led by me, MacDuff! And damned be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!"
Picard: Fine pentameters cut no ice around here, thou miscreant rogue.

Of course this is a reference to Shakespeare's MacBeth. While Shakespeare used "miscreant" and "rogue", he never used both together.

Riker: I'm glad we've recovered our memories and that we managed to stop him. He could easily have triggered a war.
Troi: (over the comm) Commander Riker, could Ensign Ro and I have a word with you in Ten-Forward?
Picard: Hmm. Perhaps he didn't entirely fail after all.
(Riker leaves for Ten-Forward at Opprobrious Speed)

"Opprobrious" means "overly disgraceful or shameful." Did anyone other than Marc ever get this joke?

Memory Alpha

* Riker has a horga'hn in his quarters. Of course he does, but you have to wonder why he'd need one with his demonstrated animal magnetism.
* The personnel files of the senior staff contain several previously unknown facts. Highlights:
** Beverly was born on the Moon
** Wesley's middle name is R
** Data majored in Probability Mechanics (whatever THAT is)
** Lal and Ian are in Data and Troi's files as offspring
** MacDuff's birthplace is Gamma Canaris N (AKA the planet where Cochrane and the Companion ended up)
** Ro's parents were named Talia and Gale

Nitpicker's Guide

* With everything MacDuff was able to do, Phil is very skeptical that he'd need the Enterprise in the first place.
* Dialogue states that the Enterprise has ten phaser banks. This is incorrect, there are actually eleven (twelve if you count the one on the head of the stardrive that is usually covered by the saucer).
* Phil wonders why MacDuff didn't make himself Captain. I have the obvious answer: he doesn't know everything about the Enterprise and general Federation stuff, and the captain would be expected to know all of that.
* Why didn't MacDuff replace the whole crew? See the previous entry.
* If the Enterprise is supposedly on a secret war mission, why doesn't anyone question why there are families on board?

[Nate the Great]

February 24th, 1992, "Power Play"

Fiver by Kira (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=powerplay)

The Episode

DATA: I will verify it. Just as I thought. It is a Starfleet subspace distress signal, standard to Daedalus-class starships.
RIKER: There hasn't been a Daedalus class in service for what?
DATA: One hundred seventy two years, sir.

I wish the Daedalus class came up more often in canon. And of course the novel Starfleet: Year One focused on them before Enterprise destroyed the previous 22nd-century canon. You can read more about it at Ex Astris Scientia here (https://www.ex-astris-scientia.org/articles/daedalus-problems.htm). The only ship in TOS that could've been of this class is the Archon from "Return of the Archons."

Sisko had a model of this class on his desk and Keiko borrowed it for a lesson, but we have no idea what the name of this ship was. One wonders why he has it in the first place. Sure, he worked at Utopia Planitia for awhile and no doubt learned more about the history of starship design than the average person, but even so, what is this ship? I don't think the Siskos had a long legacy of starship service like some other families I could name.

PICARD: Are there any records of missing ships in this vicinity?
DATA: The USS Essex under the command of Captain Bryce Shumar disappeared in this sector over two centuries ago.

I wonder why Data wouldn't be precise here. The ship was lost in 2167. That's 201 years.

PICARD: Mute it, Mister Data. With that storm activity down there, it isn't worth the risk to check on a ghost ship. Advise Starfleet that we have solved the mystery of Captain Shumar and the Essex.
TROI: I'm not sure we have. Someone's down there. Alive.

Is there any correlation between energy storm activity and Troi's abillities? Furthermore, what is the practical range of her powers? I'll buy that if she's familiar with a person's mental fingerprint (aka Riker) she can sense stuff from orbit, but through an energy storm? I call bull.

First officer's log, supplemental. The electromagnetic interference on the surface has been judged too dangerous for anyone to transport down, so we have taken a shuttle to investigate.

Why are they using a shuttlepod here? (Of course it's for budgetary reasons, but I mean in-universe). I know that runabouts don't exist yet, but there are beefier shuttles available. Shuttlepods should be restricted to ship-to-ship or ship-to-station use only.

DATA: It is unlikely that we will be able to establish communication with the ship, given the electromagnetic interference.

I'm reminded of "The Enemy". "Good thing we didn't bring Data. We'd be unscrambling his circuits for a week." Why is he down here?

LAFORGE: We can't get a pattern lock on their communicators because of the EM bursts, Captain.

Why weren't these guys wearing transporter armbands? You'd think in situations like this there would be a standard "beefier" communicator that can cut through the interference and allow communications and a transporter lock.

O'BRIEN: Sir, let me beam down with a pattern enhancer.
LAFORGE: Chief, there's no guarantee you won't rematerialise in a million pieces if your signal gets caught up in that electromagnetic whirlwind.
O'BRIEN: I can boost the confinement beam. One person might be able to make it.

Which brings to mind another question. We know that cargo transporters are "cruder" than regular pads to handle larger loads. Would it be possible to beam down the enhancers first to allow for a stronger lock for the people going down after?

And is O'Brien saying that you can only do one super-confinement beam at a time? Of course the confinement beam isn't the problem in the first place, it's getting a proper sensor lock of the destination. I apologize for the excess Treknology this week.

LAFORGE [OC]: His chances of getting down there safely are no better than fifty-fifty, in my opinion.
WORF: Captain, a major storm front is moving in on the away team's coordinates.
PICARD: You're aware of the risks, Mister O'Brien?
O'BRIEN [OC]: Yes sir.

Fifty-fifty? I call that an unacceptable risk.

O'BRIEN: Nice spot for a picnic, sir. We need to distribute these enhancer rods at seven metre lengths. That should do it.

First of all, the sides of the triangle should be as short as possible for these things to have the strongest combined signal. Second, seven meters? That's 23 feet, and way larger than the actual distance of these things. Look at this screencap (https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Power_Play_(episode)?file=Pattern_enhancers_in_act ion.jpg), that's not 23 feet, more like twelve or fifteen. Do we chalk this mistake up to the screenwriter or the director?

WORF: Aye, sir. They have been stopped at deck thirteen.
PICARD: Mister Worf.

[Deck 13]

(But when Worf and Patricia Tallman and another security guard get there, the turbolift is empty except for three comm. badges on the floor)

Data is a proven security risk, the crew should've trained the sensors to keep a lock on his actual body and not his commbadge by now. Furthermore, I'm always annoyed by the implication that the only way the ship keeps track of people is their commbadges. If tricorders can keep track of people on a planet's surface, the ship's sensors should be able to keep track of people on board ship.

PICARD: Mister La Forge, shut down all computer access to Ten Forward.
LAFORGE: (at ops) I can't, Captain. They've already set up a remote security lock out. We'd have to shut down all computer function in the saucer section.

So? What's the problem here? It would slow down our crew, but you'd think preventing access by the hijackers would be priority one.

CREWMAN: Bridge, the entire transporter array has been taken off line and placed into diagnostic mode.

Sickbay should have an independent array, and the shuttles have transporters too. Even if you say that the shuttle transporter range is shorter than the ship's, I assume it still covers the entire ship.

TROI: What are you doing now?
DATA: I can reverse the polarity of their forcefields to isolate this room.
TROI: Good.

What? I know that "reverse the polarity" is a running gag in Trek, but this is one case where it makes no sense at all. Just say that you're blasting interference at the forcefields to stop anyone outside from scanning anything inside!

RIKER: What about flooding their air vents with anaesthezine gas?
LAFORGE: That won't affect Data. No rescue plan will work unless we can knock out all three of them.

I have doubts about this. Have the invaders demonstrated an "every man for himself" mentality? They don't seem to squabble like the space pirates of "Gambit" do. Besides, neutralizing one target with security is easier than three.

TROI: Welcome, Captain. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Captain Bryce Shumar, of the Federation Starship Essex.

We'll later learn that these aren't really Essex, survivors, but of course the expanded universe gave them backstories anyway. Shumar participated in war games against other ships including the NX-01. He made official first contact with the planet Sauria.

TROI: This is my First Officer Commander Steven Mullen (Data), and my Security Chief, Lieutenant Morgan Kelly. (Miles)

Mullen was affected by Deltan pheromones during a trip to Delta, but was able to resist since he had a girlfriend (the ship's chef).

Morgan Kelly was a trans man. She was the one who shortened "phase cannon" to "phaser".

TROI: Spirits? Ghosts? But you're a man who would never believe in ghosts, Picard. Isn't that true? You see, Troi knows you. And so I do as well.

This is actually an interesting idea. Given the events of "Where No Man Has Gone Before" and Picard's acceptance of the general tenants of religion (I've recommended the novel "Guises of the Mind" before and I do it again), you'd think Picard would be the most accepting of ghosts, or at least the idea that humans have a soul of some kind.

PICARD: Under whose command in this sector?
TROI: Admiral Uttan Narsu, Starbase Twelve. You will find all this in Starfleet records.

Narsu was part of the war games I mentioned earlier. He appeared in several Enterprise novels. Like I've said before, it's depressing when the fans care more about this stuff than the creators.

LAFORGE: Section two B, A, section one.

Section one of the saucer is indeed the slice pointing forward. Yeah, for some reason the sections of the saucer are like pizza slices. You'd think there would at least be separation into inner, middle, and outer sections of each slice.

PICARD: Impressions, Mister Worf?
WORF: Spiritual possessions of this sort have been reported throughout Klingon history. It is called jat'yIn, the taking of the living by the dead.

In the novels Vulcan katras are also known to possess the living. In the novel The Lost Years we learn of Zakal. He was an enemy of Surak and a proto-Romulan, but not just that. He was a mind-lord (one who didn't discipline his telepathy like most Vulcans), and could kill with his mind. Even so, Surak arranged for his katra to be placed in the Hall of Ancient Thought. During the Lost Years (the period between TOS and STTMP) he returned. A friend-turned-enemy of Spock named Sekar took Zakar's katra into his own body hoping to conquer Vulcan, but, well, you'll just have to read the novel. It's a good one!

[Nate the Great]

O'BRIEN: I gave you that. In a place called McKinley Park. Green grass. Tall trees.
KEIKO: Please don't.
O'BRIEN: I hid the bracelet in your pocket. You were surprised.

How long did Miles and Keiko date, anyway? All we know is that Data introduced them to each other, which indicates that it was onboard the ship. Taking a vacation back to Earth seems like a big deal, probably they met each other's families at the same time.

DATA: Pick one to die, Captain, or I kill them both.

"This is why only fools are heroes. Because you never know when some lunatic will come along with a sadistic choice..." (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HW5chyuYJj0)

TROI: We were brought to this moon over five centuries ago from a star system called Ux-Mal. We were separated from our bodies and left to drift in the storms. Once we almost escaped, on board the Essex, but that ship was incapable of eluding this moon's electromagnetic storms.

Uxmal was a city of the Mayan empire. I don't know if this is intentional or not.

PICARD: If you each know the officers you inhabit, then you know they're equally ready to give their lives for this ship. Free them now and I will return you to the moon's surface.
TROI: I advise you, Picard, not to pass our way again.

Like he would, anyway. They have to know that Picard will designate this planet as a no-fly zone and nobody will ever come here again. There isn't even anything the Romulans would want, this place is less hospitable than even Galordan Core.

The Fiver

Data: The signal appears to be a subspace distress call from the USS Essex, sir. It was lost with all hands one hundred and seventy years ago.
Riker: Why Captain, that must have been about when you were going through the Academy.

One hundred seventy? Where'd that come from? Like I said before, it's been 201 years!

Worf: We've lost contact with the away team, sir.
Picard: What we need here are some recurring characters to the rescue. Ensign Ro?
Ensign Ro: Yes, Captain?
Picard: Get me Chief O'Brien.

Burn!

Lightning: CRACK!
Away Team: OW!
Troi: Hey, floating light things!
Riker: Shh! We're supposed to be unconscious!
O'Brien: Data too? That doesn't make sense....
Riker: Unconscious!

Since when do fivers make sense?

Crusher: Will has a broken arm. Chief O'Brien and Data are fine... only they keep muttering "werc esirpretne eht llik" in their sleep.
Troi: I'm sure it's nothing.

"Kill the Enterprise crew." I thought backward talk was for crazy people only.

Troi: Ye scurvy dogs, ye be ruinin' the plan! What be we to do now?
Data: Arrr! Leave it to me, me hearties; this robot be takin' over the ship before. 'Tis easy!
O'Brien: But they be knowin' how to stop yar, seein' ye've done it before?
Data: Ye'd think so, but nar.

Does the "no contractions" thing just apply to when Data's mind is in charge, or does the programming extend to his actual mouth?

Troi: Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Down on the floor, or ye be keelhauled by the scuppers!
Keiko: Miles? What's going on?
O'Brien: This be a mutiny! Now face to the deck before we make ye walk the plank!
Keiko: Oh, you are so sleeping on the couch tonight.

"Keelhauled" means looping a rope under the ship, tying it to a person, and dragging them under the ship from one side to the other as punishment. "Scuppers" are holes along the rails of the deck to allow water to drain out. This is a nonsense statement.

Troi: Yarrr! Move yer ship to th' southern polar region, or we be killin' Jack.
Picard: (over the comm) Actually, my name is Jean-Luc.
Data: Not you! We named the monkey Jack.
Worf: What did you call me?

This is a Pirates of the Caribbean reference. Curse of the Black Pearl came out in 2003 and the fiver was written in 2004.

Of course, my mind goes to Indiana Jones. We called the DOG Indiana!

Picard: Ensign, move the ship to the southern polar region. Very, very slowly.
Ro: Aye, sir. Activating Star Trek: The Motion Picture super slow motion.

Well, that's just inhuman! Good thing Ro is doing it. Someone actually compiled all of the extended exterior shots from STTMP into one video. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHWlccpsYIA) Twenty-five minutes! Talk about the Slow-Motion Picture. At least the music is good...

Crusher: I've detected unusual synaptic activity in Troi, O'Brien, and Data --
Picard: Since when does Data have synapses?
Crusher: Don't interrupt my exposition.

It's a good point. How could these things even know how to move around a positronic brain?

O'Brien: Yarr... this wench and little 'un be familiar.
Keiko: Wench?

You should see Rosalind Chao in action in the movie White Ghost (or just watch Spoony's review). She stabs people in the crotch with scissors and everything!

Picard: Oh, and Commander, don't forget the blue penguin flies at midnight. Picard out.
Ro: Do you know what his plan is, Commander?
Riker: I have no idea what he's talking about: everybody knows penguins can't fly.

Unless you're in a horrible Don Bluth movie, that is.

Picard: I know you're not really Captain Shumar.
Troi: Yarr, we be exiled criminals, marooned on this moon for ages. What be givin' us away?
Picard: Captain Shumar drank tea, chamomile, lukewarm, not rum.

The only known chamomile tea drinker in Trek is T'Pol.

Troi: It was very strange. I could sense things, but I didn't really know what was going on and I had no power to do anything.
Picard: You're talking about your possession, right?
Troi: Yes, I -- hey!

Burn!

Data: I am sorry I compared you to a primate, Lieutenant.
Worf: bortaS bIr jablu'DI'reH QaQqu'nay!
Data: "Revenge is a dish best served cold"? It appears I will have to ask Geordi to repair my translation matrix.

This is accurate, now watch Sheldon on Big Bang Theory (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8WWd19Ok1c) say it!

Keiko: Well, you should be sorry. How would you like it if I were possessed by some evil being that made you do all sorts of horrible things?
O'Brien: You mean made you do all sorts of horrible things.
Keiko: Whatever.

"The Assignment" is not an episode of DS9 that I revisit. Like I've said, I don't like "O'Brien Must Suffer" episodes.

Memory Alpha

* The creators gave the unofficial names Slash, Buzz, and Slugger to the entities in Troi, Data, and O'Brien, respectively.
* Sirtis broke her tailbone doing the stunt where they were thrown backward by the storm. I remember this bit from the special "Journey's End: The Saga of STTNG".
* First appearance of the pattern enhancers.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Picard threatens to kill the entities by blowing the cargo bay hatch. Does it seem likely that these things need oxygen to survive?

[Nate the Great]

March 2nd, 1992, "Ethics" (http://www.chakoteya.net/NextGen/216.htm)

Oh boy, is this one a beartrap waiting to be stepped in...

No fiver

The Episode

LAFORGE: I'm still reading some chlorinide leakage, but I can't pin it down.

Only mention of chlorinide. -ide means a binary compound that doesn't have any metallic elements. There's a Reddit post that posits that "chloride" (i.e. a chlorine ion attached to a molecule) should really be "chlorinide". Chloride salts are found in saltwater and also exists in all body fluids. They corrode metal and have other negative environmental effects. They can also be used to preserve food or as a general dessicant. As for what this stuff is doing on a starship, I have to assume that it's being used as a conductor. Perhaps this is a precursor to the bio-neural gelpaks.

WORF: How did you know what I had?
LAFORGE: Let's just say I had a special insight into the cards. Maybe next time you should bring a deck that's not transparent to infrared light. Not to worry, Worf. I only peek after the hand is over.

I fail to see how seeing infrared allows you to see through playing cards. My best (if outlandish) guess is that the ink on a card has a different heat conductivity than the cardstock. Therefore Geordi see the heat distribution across the card and the inked portions are a little "cooler" than the surrounding portion. Although you'd think you could replicate the cards to include a layer of foil within them to prevent this.

LAFORGE: Still nothing. I'll get a dynoscan. We'll try again.

The only other appearance of a dynoscanner is TWOK. Apparently these things are useful for scanning low-level molecular activity, stuff too subtle for standard tricorders.

(Worf carries on scanning with the tricorder, as a barrel stacked on top of the leaking one starts to topple forward until)

Let's get this out of the way right now: the entire premise of this episode is stupid. It's been proven over and over again that the inertial dampeners aren't infallible. Why aren't these barrels secured? A secondary question is how you're supposed to get stuff on and off these shelves. Forklifts don't exist in Star Trek. We know that hover units exist in this universe, but how do crewmen get up there to begin with?

TLDR: There's no reason for multilevel cargo bays in the first place; there should be a mezzanine level with an elevator.

(Worf tries to sit up, but cannot)
WORF: Doctor, I will not attempt to leave Sickbay without your approval. The restraining field is not necessary.

This is just dumb. I'm pretty sure that restraining fields would have some sort of static charge feedback to tell you that they're there.

RUSSELL: Before we get down to business, I just wanted to say that I had the pleasure of reading your paper on cybernetic regeneration recently.
CRUSHER: Really? You're the first person to mention it.

This is a reference to "11001001", back in the pre-Borg days when cybernetics wasn't a boogeyman.

RUSSELL: Only briefly. I must admit, I was a little shocked to find the state of Klingon neurological medicine to be so primitive.
CRUSHER: It's a cultural bias. When I contacted the Klingon Medical Division, they informed me that they usually let the patient die in a case like this. As a result they've done almost no research on neurological trauma.

I get the Klingon cultural bias, I really do. And we'll be covering euthanasia later, but you'd think even Klingons would want to be on the cutting edge of medical technology anyway. No doubt stuff that would've been euthanasia-worth in the TOS days can be fully treated now. If they're going to draw a line at what is and isn't worth treating, we're getting into religious belief here, which would've been an interesting discussion.

RIKER: You look pretty good for someone who's been eating sickbay food for three days.

I get the "hospital food sucks" joke, but in this case it's just dumb. In an age of replicators I imagine patients have full access to whatever they want. Maybe Crusher can tell the replicator not to give Worf stuff with too much sugar or whatever, but in general there should be no difference.

CRUSHER: The cortical spinal tract has continued to deteriorate over the last seventy two hours despite CPK enzymatic therapy.

"CPK" means "creatine phosphokinase", an enzyme (hence "enzymatic" being redundant) that regulates muscle contractility and blood pressure. Too much CPK (or rather CK in today's nomenclature) indicates too much exercise or tissue damage. In this case I think what they're trying to mitigate the damage being done by the higher blood pressure caused by Worf's body trying and failing to repair itself.

RUSSELL: What about alkysine treatment?
CRUSHER: Ineffective.

Alkysine doesn't exist. In fact this is redundant nonsense, as -ine indicates an organic base, and alkaloids are already organic.

RUSSELL: Overdesigned. Klingon anatomy. Twenty three ribs, two livers, eight-chambered heart, double-lined neural pia mater. I've never seen so many unnecessary redundancies in one body.

Humans have 24 ribs (don't pay attention to accounts from Genesis), odd numbers don't make sense. Two livers I don't understand, even if Klingons do enjoy their booze. Does bloodwine have two different forms of alcohol in it that require two livers?

Pia mater is the delicate inner membrane surrounding the brain and spinal cord. I don't see why having two layers is a bad thing.

CRUSHER: Unnecessary? The Klingons refer to it as the brak'lul. Almost every vital function in their bodies has a built-in redundancy in case any primary organ or system fails.

Except for the heart. While I could understand how eight chambers could help with larger feats of strength in battle, I don't think you could injure four chambers and have the other four work like normal.

Incidentally, in "Lineage" it's revealed that Klingons have three lungs to aid in battlefield longevity. I wonder why it wasn't mentioned here. And in "Macrocosm" we learn that Klingons have two stomachs, another implausible redundancy.

Incidentally, Okudagram text in DS9 reveals that there was a Klingon officer in the Dominion war named Brak'Lul who was killed in action. Why you would name someone "Redundant" is beyond me.

RUSSELL: The early results have been very encouraging. Beverly, the genetronic replicator can create a completely new neural conduit for your Lieutenant Worf.
CRUSHER: Replace his entire spinal column?
RUSSELL: Exactly. Instead of splicing and pasting together broken connections like a couple of glorified tailors, we create a new living system.

This is a case where I agree with Russell. Trying to splice neural tissue has historically been a bad idea in Trek (I especially refer you to Bariel), this is a case where complete replacement is preferable if possible.

CRUSHER: I had no idea you were already using this on humanoids.
RUSSELL: I haven't been. This'll be the first time.
CRUSHER: First time?
RUSSELL: I've done dozens of holosimulations. The success rate is up to thirty seven percent.

I balk at the notion that a holographic recreation can predict everything that can do wrong with a neural system if altered. I do wonder why it wasn't 47 percent.

CRUSHER: You're talking about a spinal column. Even before we could replace it, we have to remove the existing one, and we don't know enough about Klingon neurological medicine to re-attach it.

This is where I don't agree with Crusher. Attaching bones, muscles, and basic nerves isn't the problem here. It's been done before in Trek. My concern is severing the existing nerves to cause minimal damage in the time between spines.

CRUSHER: I'll need to convert all three shuttlebays to emergency triage centres. I also want all civilians with medical training to report for duty.
PICARD: Make it so.

Why would she need permission to do this?

PICARD: Will, if you were dying, if you were terminally ill with an incurable disease and facing the remaining few days of your life in pain, wouldn't you come to look on death as a release?
RIKER: Worf isn't dying and he is not in pain.

I agree with Riker on this one. The whole allegory falls apart under the slightest scrutiny. We'll be returning to this issue when Picard talks to Crusher.

ALEXANDER: This is part of that Klingon stuff, isn't it. My mother always said that Klingons had a lot of dumb ideas about honour.
TROI: Alexander, that Klingon stuff is very important to your father.
ALEXANDER: Well, it isn't very important to me. I don't care about being Klingon, I just want to see my father.

This is a good point. Furthermore, this is a bad time to bring up Klingon custom, as this is exactly the sort of "nonsense" that K'Ehleyr hated. Worf is pushing this stuff on Alexander too fast, and he shouldn't be surprised if Alexander doesn't want to be a warrior later. If Klingon honor makes Worf unhappy by keeping him from the Empire AND leads to Worf's death, Alexander will never even have a positive impression of Klingons.

[Nate the Great]

CRUSHER: These are very sophisticated devices. With enough time, they will give you
WORF: Sixty percent of my mobility. No, I will not be seen lurching through corridors like some half-Klingon machine, the object of ridicule and disgust.

I doubt even Riker would let himself be seen as a shambling zombie. This whole idea was stupid.

CRUSHER: You're using the desperation of an injured man as an excuse to try a procedure that you couldn't do under normal circumstances. I checked with Starfleet Medical. They have turned down your request to test genetronics on humanoids three times already.
RUSSELL: Are you really going to hide behind the rules of some bureaucracy? Beverly, your patient's life is at stake here.

This is a place where it's good to challenge the crew's principles. Russell does have a point. She's not evil, she's just a bit misguided when it comes to medical ethics. And incidentally the triple refusal should've been part of Beverly's initial research.

RUSSELL: His injuries were so severe I don't think any conventional treatment could've saved him.
CRUSHER: The point is, you didn't even try standard treatments.

Beverly has a point here. Russell IS taking advantage of vulnerability to test her theories. At least try the standard treatment, or be prepared to explain why you didn't at least make the attempt.

RUSSELL: I make no excuses for my approach to medicine. I don't like losing a patient any more than you do. But I'm looking down a long road, Doctor. This man didn't die for nothing. The data that I gathered is invaluable. It will eventually help save thousands of lives.
CRUSHER: I doubt if that will be any comfort his family.

A good moral, and one we can't let the medical industry forget. You can't look down the "long road" of the theoretical if it lets you forget the immediate needs of the patient.

RUSSELL: Let me ask you this. If some years from now, borathium therapy were to save the life of someone you loved, would you still condemn me?
CRUSHER: I will not be drawn into a hypothetical argument, Doctor.

This issue will come up again with Crell Moset later. We can talk about it a bit more then, but for now let's move on.

PICARD: If he can't make a full recovery, Worf will to kill himself.
CRUSHER: Not in my Sickbay, he won't. I'll put him in a restraining field and post security around his door before I let him commit suicide.
PICARD: And how long will you keep him there? A week? A month? A year?
CRUSHER: If I have to. Suicide is not an option.

Doesn't stasis exist? Furthermore, this is another conflict of principles. Just because it would be unethical to imprison a patient for a year doesn't mean that it would be wrong to do it for a week if medical research is ongoing and yielding positive progress.

CRUSHER: Putting aside for a moment the fact that a paraplegic can live a very full life, there is also a conventional therapy that could restore much of his mobility.

Once again Beverly misses the point by insisting on a human perspective. Perhaps a HUMAN paraplegic can live a full life, but that doesn't necessarily apply to Klingon paraplegics.

CRUSHER: The first tenet of good medicine is never make the patient any worse. Right now, Worf is alive and functioning. If he goes into that operation, he could come out a corpse.

And again. If you lock Worf up in a cell to prevent him from committing suicide, his quality of life will be zero. And don't forget that Worf is more resourceful than most in creating weapons. Are you not going to allow him anything that could possibly be turned into a weapon? I can't think of anything you could safely give him.

RIKER: Remember Sandoval? Hit by a disruptor blast two years ago. She lived for about a week. Fang-lee? Marla Aster? Tasha Yar? How many men and women, how many friends have we watched die? I've lost count. Every one of them, every single one fought for life until the very end.

Sandoval is a Spanish name. She never appeared on screen. Neither did Fang-lee.

Marla Aster had no chance to fight for life, I don't see why Will even mentioned her in this context except for fanservice.

RIKER: You are my friend, and in spite of everything I've said, if it were my place, I would probably help you. But I've been studying Klingon ritual and Klingon law, and I've discovered that it's not my place to fill that role. According to tradition, that honour falls to a family member. Preferably the oldest son.

Why don't they at least mention Kurn here? Kurn would've gotten the job done by now. It also would've allowed Kurn to keep his family and position on the Council.

Then again, I could write a whole other screed about what would've happened in DS9 if Worf hadn't joined the crew.

RIKER: The son of a Klingon is a man the day he can first hold a blade. True?

Then what's the point of the Rite of Ascension?

WORF: If I die, he must be cared for.
TROI: I'll make sure he reaches your parents' home safely.
WORF: No. They are elderly. They cannot care for Alexander. Counsellor, I have a serious request to make of you. Would you consider?
TROI: You want me to raise Alexander?
WORF: I have come to have a great respect for you, Deanna. You have been most helpful in guiding me since Alexander's arrival. I can't imagine anyone who would be a better parent to my son. If it is too much to ask.
TROI: I'd be honoured.

This whole situation is weird. Even if Sergey and Helena are too old to handle a small boy at the moment, there's still Kurn and Nikolai. For that matter, Gowron owes Worf a favor at this point.

RUSSELL: Focus the drechtal beams on the anterior and posterior spinal roots.

Crell Moset would later use drectal beams in a novel. The symbolism does not escape me.

PICARD: Good. I understand from Mister La Forge there's a minor fluctuation in the starboard warp coil.

"The" starboard warp coil? There are eighteen in each nacelle! Seriously, where are the technical advisors this week? "One of the starboard warp coils"!

CRUSHER: Reading the initial sequences at ten to the ninth base pairs per second.

There are 3.2 billion base pairs in human DNA. Unless you're going to tell me that Klingon DNA is millions of times denser than human DNA the intial sequencing should be done before Beverly could even say it!

RUSSELL: The scanner is having trouble reading the Klingon dorsal root ganglia.

The dorsal root ganglia is between the spinal cord and the nerves going to the body. I think Russell is trying to send signals from the nerves into the spinal cord and is having trouble. This seems like something that could be resolved in simulations or by using cloned spinal tissue.

CRUSHER: All right, make a note in the log. Death occurred at twelve hundred forty hours.

Time to bring up faulty DS9 tricorders again. Death should be one of the first things you want sensors to be able to detect without making mistakes.

CRUSHER: I am delighted that Worf is going to recover. You gambled, he won. Not all of your patients are so lucky. You scare me, Doctor. You risk your patient's lives and justify it in the name of research. Genuine research takes time. Sometimes a lifetime of painstaking, detailed work in order to get any results. Not for you. You take short cuts, right through living tissue. You put your research ahead of your patient's lives, and as far as I'm concerned that's a violation of our most sacred trust.

A good moral.

Memory Alpha

* The container that fell on the stunt double was made out of styrofoam. Well, I jolly well hope so!
* It's brought up that Picard approved of ritual suicide when Odo and Sisko were so against it in "Sons of Mogh." Chalk it up to differences in Bajoran law.
* Kor will repeat "help me end my life as I have lived it" in "Once More Unto The Breach." I don't doubt that the expression is a common Klingon one.
* The creative staff wanted to make Crusher's and Russell's conflict more balanced. I say they failed. As Crusher makes clear, Russell plays games with people's lives as a shortcut and happens to get lucky sometimes.
* In one of the Enterprise-E novels Crusher and Russell meet again. Crusher points out that it was only Klingon redundancy that let Russell "succeed" and that genetronics had died in the decade since.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil wonders how Klingons can commit suicide so easily if they have so many redundancies. I have no doubt that Klingons have figured out exactly where to stab to get death by now.
* Why does the surgical team have their hair gathered under caps, but Worf doesn't?
* Phil also wonders about the hospital food thing.

[NAHTMMM]

DATA: Sir, the energy level of the wave has increased by a factor of twelve. At this rate, it will have increased by a factor of two hundred by the time it reaches Lemma Two.

HOW? This thing is going through subspace, where is the extra energy coming from?
*singsong* Science is scary, I don't understand it, I bet it could kill us all in millions of ways . . .


I forgot how funny the "Violations" fiver is.


Data: I will honour our wager. What would you like?
Troi: Something at which you're an expert -- "Love on the Holodeck."
As opposed to "Sex on the Beach".



Troi: Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Down on the floor, or ye be keelhauled by the scuppers!
Keiko: Miles? What's going on?
O'Brien: This be a mutiny! Now face to the deck before we make ye walk the plank!
Keiko: Oh, you are so sleeping on the couch tonight.

"Keelhauled" means looping a rope under the ship, tying it to a person, and dragging them under the ship from one side to the other as punishment. "Scuppers" are holes along the rails of the deck to allow water to drain out. This is a nonsense statement.
Insert bit from Guards! Guards! here. I have no idea what my scuppers are, but I don't want to be keelhauled by them.

O'Brien: Yarr... this wench and little 'un be familiar.
Keiko: Wench?
I feel like this may be a reference, slight as it may be, but I can only come up with Uhura's "Sorry, neither" and Worf's "Irving Berlin?"

Troi: It was very strange. I could sense things, but I didn't really know what was going on and I had no power to do anything.
Picard: You're talking about your possession, right?
Troi: Yes, I -- hey!

Burn!
A classic burn. :D



March 2nd, 1992, "Ethics" (http://www.chakoteya.net/NextGen/216.htm)

Incidentally, Okudagram text in DS9 reveals that there was a Klingon officer in the Dominion war named Brak'Lul who was killed in action. Why you would name someone "Redundant" is beyond me.
It would be like naming a redshirt Ensign Goosefood!

[Nate the Great]

March 16th, 1992, "The Outcast"

Oh boy, is this one going to be painful. I don't revisit this episode. Part of it is just plain discomfort with the subject matter, part of it is how botched the writing is. Could they really not find an actor who was truly androgynous?

Phil brings this up in the Nitpicker's Guide, but I want to address this here: Riker would not be attracted to Soren. It defies everything we know about him. I would argue that Geordi should've gotten this role. In fact the only reason not to is because Geordi already gets into trouble through his girlfriends often enough.

Fiver by Wade the Sane Commodore (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=theoutcast)

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 45614.6. We have been contacted by an androgynous race called the J'naii to investigate the mysterious disappearance of one of their shuttlecraft.

This doesn't seem like a flagship-worthy mission. It would interfere with all the nebula-watching and Ubering that they do! I'm not sure how sarcastic that joke was supposed to be.

Captain's log, supplemental. The sudden disappearance of our probe suggests that we may have found the first instance of what is called null space, an anomaly which until now had been only theoretical.

Null space also appears in Voyager and Discovery, and all three appearances seem to describe different phenomena.

Commander Riker has been working around the clock with a team of J'naii specialists to formalise this hypothesis.

Why is Riker doing this? Isn't that Data's job?

SOREN: During the creation of a star system, when clouds of interstellar dust and gas coalesce, turbulent regions of magnetic and gravitational fields may develop. If certain conditions occur, these fields can condense into abnormal pockets of space.

Yeah, this is nonsense. Moving on...

RIKER: We think your system contains one of these null pockets. If we're right, the pocket would absorb electromagnetic energy from anything that entered it.
SOREN: Like a shuttlecraft.
RIKER: Or a probe. Making them powerless.

Makes you wonder if the Menthars found one of these things and turned them into the aceton emitters.

RIKER: We think so. The shuttle probably wasn't able to sustain its energy, but other than that it wouldn't be damaged.
SOREN: Since our shuttles carry plestorene based backup systems, we think life support would sustain for as long as ten days.

Only appearance of plesterene. Makes you wonder if Scotty inadvertently rediscovered this technology when jerry rigging the Jenolen's transporters.

RIKER: We can send one of our own shuttles, but its energy would also be absorbed. Our Chief Engineer is working on a way to maintain the power reserves long enough to rescue your crew.

Or, y'know, you could reconfigure the shields to prevent the power drain in the first place now that you know what you're dealing with. I apologize, I just hate plans that consist of "hope the batteries last long enough to do the job."

(shuttle 15 Magellan, with Onizuku in the foreground)

Magellan is a Type 6 shuttle, number 15. One of the ones with the ramscoops. The Voyager tech manual says the max speed is warp 3. The tech manual is also confused about the total capacity of these things.

Onizuka (Chakotea made a typo) is a Type 15 shuttlepod, numbered 5 or 7 depending on the episode. I always hated those boxy things. Clearly they were meant to be cheap sets first and a valid ship design second.

RIKER: This is it. Short-range craft, two twelve hundred fifty millicochrane warp engines.

So a separate warp core in each nacelle. 1.25 cochranes means that this thing can barely break Warp One.

SOREN: I'm not sure how we go about mapping something we can't see.
RIKER: Well, that's where the emitters come in. We shoot out a series of photon pulses into the pocket and chart where each one disappears. From that we should get a fairly complete outline.

In Voyager photon pulses were used as a weapon to drain the ship's shields. Again, using the same name for a different kind of technology. I think the idea is that the boundary absorbs sensor scans, so you have to get something that you CAN scan as close to the boundary as possible.

SOREN: Let me try it. Propulsion system, transfer conduits. Where's the schematic reactor assembly? Oh, there it is. Engine nacelles. There's nothing here that's unfamiliar. Navigational deflector, redundant graviton polarity source generators.

Graviton polarity source generators? Someone had fun with that bit of Treknobabble. This one is so obscure that Memory Alpha doesn't have a page for it, only an index entry on the Generator page.

While one might assume that this bit of tech is related to the tractor beams, it's actually part of the shields. The Tech Manual has a whole entry on it. The gravitons are emitted by the generators, where they're phase-synchronized by subspace field distortion amplifiers.

RIKER: Okay. For two days I've been trying to construct sentences without personal pronouns. Now I give up. What should I use? It? To us, that's rude.
SOREN: We use a pronoun which is neutral. I do not think there is really a translation.

Ugh. Stuff like this should be in the mission packet, or at the very least the LCARS equivalent of a wiki entry. I guess the singular "they" hadn't been invented yet.

SOREN: It's just as hard for us to understand the strange division in your species. Males and females. You are male. Tell me about males. What is it that makes you different from females?

Whoa boy, is that a loaded question. I don't envy the guy who has to write the Starfleet wiki entry on that one.

RIKER: Snips and snails and puppy dog tails?

"What Are Little Boys Made Of" dates back to about 1820. At this point I feel obligated to post [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyewWM0nueM the creation of the Rowdyruff Boys]]. As for what "snips" are, Mojo Jojo at least thinks they're hair clippings.

That's another thing you'd think Starfleet Academy would teach cadets: don't make references to obscure bits of culture from your planet to people you've barely met. Do you really think other Federation member worlds take the time to research Earth pop culture?

Captain's log, supplemental. Commander Riker and the J'naii pilot have set out to chart the null space pocket.

"The J'naii pilot"? Does Soren have an official title Picard could use in this instance? It just seems a little rude, especially for an official log.

SOREN: Our foetuses are incubated in fibrous husks, which the parents inseminate.

This seems like a cowardly way for the writers to get around the hermaphrodite problem. Such a system could never evolve in nature. You'd be better off saying that both parents can lay eggs, and it's pure luck which one the embryo is fertilized within.

TROI: All right. This hand, the game is Federation Day.
WORF: What is that?
TROI: Well, the Federation was founded in Twenty One Sixty One, so, twos, sixes, and aces are wild.

Enterprise claims that the Coalition of Planets was founded in 2161, so Memory Alpha is confused about whether the Coalition was just renamed to Federation later that year or if a new government was needed almost immediately. The specific date in 2161 has never been agreed upon:
* Star Trek Online says June 30th, but I consider STO to be beta canon at best.
* Star Trek Star Charts claims May 8th, but that's clearly a secondary sort of canon. It was written by Geoffrey Mandel, who started with Trek around 1994.
* A few novels claim August 12th, but I put the novels below STO in terms of canon (with rare exceptions, of course).
* A newspaper clipping in the Picard family album in Generations claims October 11th. Even though it was never shown on screen, I would put my money on this one. If two dates are needed I'd put the Coalition of Planets at May 8th and the Federation at October 11th.

WORF: That is a woman's game.
TROI: Oh? Why is that?
WORF: All those wild cards. They support a weak hand. A man's game has no wild cards.
CRUSHER: Let me get this straight. Are you saying it's a woman's game because women are weak and need more help?
WORF: Yes.
CRUSHER: And just this afternoon I was insisting to one of the J'naii that those attitudes were but a distant memory.

They may be a distant memory for humans, but other races will have other viewpoints, Crusher! IDIC, remember? Stop being self-righteous, that's one of the reasons why other races hate you!

[Nate the Great]

SOREN: On our world these feelings are forbidden. Those who are discovered are shamed and ridiculed, and only by undergoing psychotectic therapy and having all elements of gender eliminated can they become accepted into society again. Those of us who have these urges live secret and guarded lives. We seek each other out, always hiding, always terrified of being discovered.

Like I said, this episode is a minefield and must only be approached while wearing a bomb suit and having a few redshirts on hand to use as guinea pigs. So lets step away from the message the episode is shoving at us and look at another angle. If sexual and romantic feelings are forbidden, what do these people base marriages on? They clearly couldn't take the Vulcan approach, so what else is there? The system used in The Giver?

SOREN: One of my favourites is this menellen tree. The leaves first turn pure white, and then blue, when the weather gets cold. This is called a falla bush. It produces a fragrant flower on only one day of the year.
(and finally they get down to the real purpose of the walk, with Riker trying to eat her tonsils)

Yuck, Chakoteya. Yuck.

SOREN: I am tired of lies. I am female. I was born that way. I have had those feelings, those longings, all of my life. It is not unnatural. I am not sick because I feel this way. I do not need to be helped. I do not need to be cured. What I need, and what all of those who are like me need, is your understanding and your compassion. We have not injured you in any way. And yet, we are scorned and attacked. And all because we are different. What we do is no different from what you do. We talk and laugh. We complain about work and we wonder about growing old. We talk about our families, and we worry about the future. And we cry with each other when things seem hopeless. All of the loving things that you do with each other, that is what we do. And for that we are called misfits and deviants and criminals. What right do you have to punish us? What right do you have to change us? What makes you think you can dictate how people love each other?

Part of this speech ended up in the "Inspirational Speeches of Trek (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNu1cdISsvY)" video. As with so many "message shows" I can't argue with the intent, but I do argue with the execution of the message. Voyager in particular tried to shoehorn "message speeches" into too many episodes.

As Q once said, this is sheer arrogance. One thing about TOS that only now occurs to me is that Kirk is even more tolerant than I already thought. He never made speeches to be self-righteous (I'm looking at you, Janeway), he made speeches because he honestly wanted to help, and usually because the locals forced him to take a side.

TLDR; I don't like being whacked over the head with a clue-by-four. Never have, never will.

RIKER: Did it occur to you that she might like to stay the way she is?
NOOR: You don't understand. We have a very high success rate in treating deviants like this. And without exception, they become happier people after their treatment, and grateful that we care enough to cure them. You see, Commander, on this world, everyone wants to be normal.

Oh, the arrogance. The daily pill of The Giver springs to mind. Kirk would have a field day with these people. If people are forced to be "normal", then "normal" loses all meaning.

RIKER: There has to be. My relationship with Soren is not trivial. She's very important to me. It's my fault that this happened.

Not trivial? You had sex once, if that! You've known each other a matter of weeks! And furthermore, it's not your fault because she propositioned you!

The Fiver

J'naii: So our shuttle's in a... black hole?
Riker: No no no, nothing like that... well, yes.

It's not a black hole, and Wade missed out on a better joke. At least make reference to washing machines eating socks or something.

Soren: In my species, we don't have any specialized organs like your genders do.
Riker: So you don't have a basis for comparison?
Soren: That would be correct.
Riker: Well, let me tell you....

Is Riker that insecure about the size of his manhood? Meaningless aside, but in the novel "Imzadi" when he attended a Betazoid wedding and reluctantly stripped to fit in, the woman next to him reassured him that he had nothing to be ashamed of.

Riker: Geordi, do you have a... a BEARD?

Geordi's beard was an on-and-off thing in TNG. I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time he's had one.

Riker: I remember Argyle from such episodes as "Where No Man Has Gone Before" and "Datalore." Anyways, there can only be one bearded officer on the Enterprise at a time. Regs.

This is a weak joke. Argyle was also in "Lonely Among Us" and the remastered version had a Okudagram easter egg in "Galaxy's Child". Wil Wheaton revealed that the studio asked people to write in requests for him to be a regular before Argyle had even appeared on screen. The novels revealed that he shared the role of Chief Engineer with MacDougal during the Enterprise's construction. The novels have three different accounts of how he died, and one said that his first name was Michael. The comics had a fourth death story and the first name "Terrence." Neither first name really seems to fit this guy.

Data: Sob....
Worf: What is wrong, Commander?
Data: I do not have any lines in this episode. I am useless. Useless: unneeded, ineffectual, wasted. Wasted: spoiled, shattered....
Worf: If you were any other man I would kill you where you stand!

Nice joke, but Data doesn't sob.

Picard: Maybe I can go down there and speechify on Soren's behalf.
Riker: No good. She speechified and they didn't listen.
Picard: They resisted speechifing? Those monsters!

Egads!

Riker: Well I'm going down there to do something or whatever.
Picard: But you'll be in violation of the Prime Directive.
Riker: Doesn't that just apply to pre-warp cultures?
Picard: Will, please, I think I know a little about the Prime Directive.

At this point the Prime Directive seems to cover all non-Federation worlds, so this joke doesn't work.

Memory Alpha

* By this point the creative staff had been basically forced into a corner by demands that they cover homosexuality.
* Unlike "The Masterpiece Society" or "Ethics" the staff didn't see a way to portray an alternate viewpoint. I think it would be easy: have a second J'naii character on screen who doesn't have these feelings.
* Rick Berman was against Riker kissing a male actor, even though Frakes had no problem with it.
* This episode was the first that had Geordi with a beard. The producers didn't like it. He would have one again during "Fistful of Datas" and "Quality of Life" because of his wedding.
* First appearance of a shuttle with weapons in NextGen.
* Memory Alpha has trouble reconciling Worf's statement here with the time in "Angel One" where he said Klingons like strong women. I have less trouble. You can want women to be strong while still maintaining separate and equal roles.
* The homosexual community didn't like that the word "homosexuality" wasn't even used. Others thought this was a weaselly way to get out of doing a more overt episode on the subject.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Shouldn't Picard have done more to stop Riker? He raked Worf over the coals in "Reunion" even though Worf was following Klingon custom!
* This time Phil did the stardate calculations. Twelve days have passed since "Ethics" and not only is Worf fully recovered but Geordi grew a full beard!

[Nate the Great]

March 23rd, 1992, "Cause and Effect"

Fiver by Kira (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=causeandeffect)

The Episode

RIKER: Damage report!
CRUSHER: Casualty reports coming in from all over the ship.
DATA: The starboard nacelle has sustained a direct impact. We are venting drive plasma.
LAFORGE: Initiating emergency core shutdown.
RO: Inertial dampers failing. We're losing attitude control.
RIKER: This is the Bridge. All hands to emergency escape pods.
DATA: Core shutdown is unsuccessful. We are losing antimatter containment.
LAFORGE: We've got to eject the core!
DATA: Ejection systems offline. Core breach is imminent.
PICARD: All hands abandon ship. Repeat, all hands abandon
(KaBOOM!!!!)

Are people supposed to be able to reach the escape pods in less than thirty seconds? Also "emergency" escape pods? As opposed to all of those nonemergency escape pods?

Captain's log, stardate 45652.1. The Enterprise has entered an area of space known as the Typhon Expanse. We're the first Starfleet vessel to chart this unexplored region.

The Typhon Expanse is in Beta Quadrant, it's a shame how seldom we hear "Beta Quadrant." In First Contact Starfleet made a last stand in the "Typhon Sector." Would you really want to encounter a Borg Cube around here?

Deep Space 5 was in the Typhon Sector, the station is smaller than the Enterprise. It's there to try to detect a Borg invasion early enough to mount a defense. Don't ask me why the Borg would approach via Typhon Sector in particular.

DS-5 will come back in "Parallels" and First Contact.

The later novels will introduce the Typhon Pact, negotiated in this region.

(Data does a fast, professional shuffle)
RIKER: Sometimes I wonder if he's stacking the deck.
DATA: I assure you, Commander, the cards are sufficiently randomised.

The number of shuffles required for sufficient randomization has been a long-standing statistics problem. It depends on the kind of shuffle. Wikipedia claims that seven riffle shuffles (two stacks, bent up and released so alternating cards flatten out in the new stack) are needed.

Of course Numberphile has made a video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxJubaijQbI&t=15s) about this.

LAFORGE: At first I thought the catwalk was spinning. As it turns out, it was me. Luckily Ensign Fletcher was there to grab me. It's a long way down to the bottom of the warp core.

The warp core goes four decks below the dilithium chamber and six decks above. At 3.5 m per deck, that's 14 meters or 46 feet. Within a rounding error that's enough for the fall to kill you. If it's flat on the bottom, which I wouldn't count on for the antimatter injectors down there.

CRUSHER: I'll give you twenty cc's of vertazine. That should clear up the dizziness.

Vertazine's only other appearance is in "Parallels". You'll recall that jumping between quantum realities also causes dizziness.

(Beverly is dead-heading a plant and sipping on a night-cap.)

Dead-heading is simply removing the dead parts of a plant. I'd never heard of the term before.

LAFORGE: As you can see, the Typhon Expanse is huge. If we want to chart the most remote star system, we'll have to launch a probe within the next few hours.

Why? I'd imagine that the Enterprise only has X days to spend on this mission, but they could've explained the time constraints better.

LAFORGE: The flux spectrometers are still down for re-alignment.
RIKER: I thought they were supposed to be back online yesterday.
LAFORGE: They were, until the stellar dynamics lab decided they needed to install new modules.
DATA: I recommend we use a gravitron polarimeter. It will perform a similar function.

I get that both devices are fictional, but just based on the descriptions I can't imagine how these gadgets are supposed to do the same thing.

RIKER: Decompress main shuttlebay. The explosive reaction may kick us out of the way.
DATA: Captain, I suggest we use the tractor beam to alter the other ship's trajectory.
PICARD: Mister Worf, make it so.
WORF: Engaging tractor beam.

You'd think Worf would automatically use the tractor beam in this case. Plus we've seen that it takes like ten seconds to open the main shuttlebay doors. There's no time. Plus you'd have to imagine that there are people in the shuttlebay who can't evacuate in less than ten seconds.

PICARD: My Aunt Adele cured a lot of sleepless nights with this steamed milk.

This is the second mention of Aunt Adele. Her ginger tea appeared in "Ensign Ro" and the milk toddy will also appear in "Schisms."

CRUSHER: I ran a scan to see if I could detect what he was seeing. I picked up miniscule distortions in the surrounding dekyon field. Somehow, his visor is translating those distortions into visual impulses.

Dekyons will reappear in "Parallax," in a way inconsistent with this episode.

WORF: Maybe we should reverse course.
RIKER: For all we know, reversing course may be what leads us into the crash.
PICARD: No. We can't afford to start second guessing ourselves. We'll stay on this course until we have reason to change it.

Like hearing voices from a previous loop? As the next scene will reveal, our heroes can feel when events are "new".

DATA: I have encountered the numeral three an inordinate number of times over the last two hours.

Actually, Data, you've encountered number threes. "3" is a numeral, *** is a number. You can thank SF Debris for this nit.

DATA: To date we have encountered two thousand eighty five conspicuous examples of the number three.

No 47? Someone's been dropping the ball.

PICARD: Mister Worf, end Red alert. And try to access a Federation time base beacon. Let's see if we can find out how long we've been in this causality loop.
WORF: Time base confirms our chronometers are off by seventeen point four days.

They got lucky. Over on Stargate they were stuck in a loop for AT LEAST three months.

WORF: Captain, we are being hailed by the other vessel. The computer identifies it as the USS Bozeman, a Federation starship, Soyuz class.
LAFORGE: Soyuz class? They haven't been in service in over eighty years.

The Soyuz is like the Miranda, only without the rollbar and a longer rear shuttlebay section (and the side sensor turrets).

BATESON [on viewscreen]: This is Captain Morgan Bateson of the Federation Starship Bozeman.

"I'm listening". You have to give me one Frasier joke.

PICARD: Captain, do you know what year this is?
BATESON [on viewscreen]: Of course I do. It's twenty two seventy eight.

Pardek started his career as a senator in this year. Chekov was also promoted to full Commander in this year. It's also the year that Data originally graduated before his backstory was completely rewritten.

The Fiver

Enterprise: KA-BLAM!

I still like Kablazmo better.

Data: The sensors can't find anything. I believe the Doctor is nuts.
Picard: I concur.

Like I've said, I don't like it when people are thought to be insane. That's why I don't watch "Remember Me" and "All Good Things" anymore.

Crusher: La de da de do.
Voices: You need singing lessons, lady.
Crusher: What the...?

Well, if she was the Singing Doctor as well as the Dancing Doctor she'd be trapped in a horrible Scrubs musical episode. I don't think that's a good thing.

Crusher: I heard voices.
Picard: Could this have anything to do with those magic mushrooms you're growing in Sickbay?
Crusher: Well, I...aw, dammit.

Is there a movie or whatever where mushrooms cause auditory hallucinations?

Captain's Log: If a ship blows up in a time loop, does anybody care?

I care more than I did that time that a tree fell on a mime...

Captain Bateson: You morons! You almost hit us!
Picard: Why should we care? That old rustbucket you're driving is no match for the Enterprise.
Bateson: The Enterprise? Oh my God! Kirk -- you've lost all your hair!

Actually, in the novel Ship of the Line I think it was revealed that Bateson was friends with Scotty, not Kirk.

Memory Alpha

* Braga pointed out that this episode came out before Groundhog Day.
* The creators wanted to have Kirstie Alley's Saavik on the Bozeman, but she was busy with Cheers.
* Only appearance of Shuttlebay One, and even then it was only a model.
* First appearance of Ogawa's last name.
* Crusher must've learned of Aunt Adelle's warm milk in the final loop, as she introduces it to Riker in "Schisms."
* First mention of a warp core ejection. Really?

Memory Beta

* The major appearance of Bateson and the Bozeman crew after this is in the novel Ship of the Line. Bateson took command of the Enterprise-E during the shakedown cruise. Also featuring Scotty and Picard teaming up with Gul Madred!

Nitpicker's Guide

* How is the Enterprise going back in time for each cycle if time is passing for the rest of the universe?
* Did the Bozeman go through a "jump in time" temporal anomaly before the "time loop" temporal anomaly?
* Why didn't Picard do the shuttle bay compression AND the tractor beam?
* The time that Geordi arrives in Sickbay varies a lot between cycles.
* Why didn't Bateson mention the current captain of the Enterprise (this would be Kirk, it's the last year of the second five-year mission under him).

[Nate the Great]

March 30th, 1992, "The First Duty"

Fiver by Kira (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=thefirstduty)

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 45703.9. We are en route to Earth, where it will be my pleasant duty to deliver this year's commencement address at Starfleet Academy. I'm also looking forward to seeing Wesley Crusher again. His flight team will perform a demonstration near Saturn that will be transmitted to the graduation ceremonies.

I suddenly wonder how cameras work in space here. It'll later be said that the ships are going at 80,000 kph ten meters apart. The camera must be several kilometers away, how does it track ships going that fast?

RIKER: When I was at the Academy, we had a Vulcan Superintendent who had memorised the personnel files of every single cadet. He knew everything about them. It was like having your parents around all the time.
PICARD: My superintendent was a Betazoid, a full telepath. When he sent for you to his office, he didn't have to ask what you'd done.

The expanded universe doesn't give a name to Picard's superintendent, but there's a Starfleet Academy novel that gives Riker's as Sulak. Sulak was still superintendent when Worf was there a few years later.

Another novel gives the name of the Commandant (second after superintendent) in 2324 as Oonnoommi. Picard was at the Academy from 2323-2327, so perhaps Oonnoommi was promoted in time to be the one Picard is referring to. Then again, "Oonnoommi" doesn't sound like a Betazoid name, does it?

CRUSHER: Wesley's allergic to metorapan treatments. I think they'll have to use a bicaridine substitute. I should send his complete records to the Academy infirmary. Of course, they probably have them already, but you can't be too sure.

I get that Beverly is under a lot of stress right now, but I still can't forgive this moment of idiocy. I expect the Academy to collect all necessary medical records of incoming students. And to be frank, Wesley's status on the Enterprise should've been such that his service record just moved to the Academy.

Both metorapan and bicardine made appearances in Star Trek Online. Metorapan is addictive, unlike bicaridine. Metorapan allergy is very rare, but a bout with polywater intoxication makes it more likely.

"Flight ranges" don't exist today. In military terminology a "range" is simply an area for testing. While I could imagine a section of desert on Earth being designated for atmospheric flight, interstellar space near moons can't really be sectioned off into "ranges". Or are you going to tell me that Starfleet maintains hundreds of sensor bouys like in "Drive"?

CRUSHER: Do you know who it was?
PICARD: Yes. His name was Joshua Albert.
CRUSHER: Wesley spoke of him. They were friends.

To my surprise Josh Albert isn't even mentioned once in the expanded universe. There are other Joshes out there, including Christopher Pike's father and Tom Riker's son.

BRAND: There was very little left to salvage from the wreckage. We did recover one of the ships' data recorders, but it was badly damaged. We're attempting to restore the information, but that will take some time.

It's always amazing to me when they imply black boxes that aren't durable. Are you really telling me that in the 24th century you can't make thin layers of neutronium that can handle exposure to warp core explosions?

(Wesley is using a resistance device to strengthen his broken arm. There's a knock on the door. He goes to open it by turning the handle!)

Yeah, I agree with Chakoteya here. Even Bajor has automatic doors, are you telling me that Starfleet Academy doesn't?

Furthermore, you'd think it wouldn't be that hard to have a quarters set that you can tweak to be the Academy, or a Starbase, or Risa, or whatever.

(another knock on the door)
WESLEY: Hi.
LOCARNO: Hi.
(enter Robert Duncan McNeill, who will become Tom Paris in Voyager)

Let me state for the record, the writers of this episode got screwed. Locarno should've been in Voyager, not Paris.

CRUSHER: And how are you feeling, Nicholas?
LOCARNO: I'm okay. I just never lost anyone under my command before.
PICARD: I'm afraid that never gets easier.

Has Locarno even had anyone under his command before? What is he comparing this to? Was he captain of the Parrises Squares team?

PICARD: Boothby? Jean-Luc Picard, class of twenty seven.
BOOTHBY: I know that. What happened to your hair?

If Nemesis is to be believed (and I don't), Picard was bald as a cadet. If other flashbacks are to be believed he had an awful toupee as a cadet.

FYI, Boothby's first name is Liam. He was born in the Marian Colonies in 2263 and died in 2382. His only 23rd century appearance is in "The Captain's Daughter", when he meets Demora Sulu when he was assisting his father. He doesn't quite trust Nechayev, and suspects her of being a member of a group obviously meant to be Section 31.

BOOTHBY: Nothing you ever did surprised me, son. Except that time you caught that Ligonian with a reverse body lift and pinned him in the first fourteen seconds of the match. Didn't think you had it in you.
PICARD: Well, it was all in the legs, all that running I did.

This must be a species name recycle that we weren't supposed to notice. The Ligonians are the guys from "Code of Honor"! I don't think any of them are cadets NOW!

It's been established that for a non-Federation citizen to join Starfleet they need a letter of recommendation. Who would give a letter to a Ligonian?

PICARD: Yes, there is. I just wanted to, while I was here. Look, you know as well as I do I would never have graduated if you
BOOTHBY: You made a mistake. There isn't a man among us who hasn't been young enough to make one.

Boy does this one hit home.

PICARD: Did you know the boy from Nova Squadron who was killed?
BOOTHBY: Josh Albert? Yeah. Crusher, Hajar, Sito, Locarno. I know them all.

Jean Hajar never appeared again. A later member of Nova Squadron is Sarita Carson, who cameoed in DS9 episode "Starship Down" and was later a main character in the Prometheus novels.

LOCARNO: We executed a low apogee turn around Titan then began a z-plus twenty five degree climb in preparation for a Yeager loop.
(named for Chuck Yeager, who broke the sound barrier in 1947)

I want to be a bit snarky at Chakoteya. No, really, I'm sure the Yeager Loop is named after characters from Attack on Titan!

LOCARNO: Approximately nine seconds later, Cadet Albert's ship collided with Cadet Hajar's. We had less than two seconds to activate our emergency transporters and beam to the evac stations at Mimas. Everyone made it except Josh.

Mimas is a moon of Saturn. It's the smallest astronomical body that has managed to achieve a rounded shape through self-gravitation. It has a crater named Hershel that makes the moon look vaguely like the Death Star. Mimas Station makes an appearance in a RPG module.

SITO: No, sir. I was flying solely on sensor readings at the time. I did not have any visual contact with Cadet Albert's ship when he broke formation.
SATELK: Sensor readings?
(a murmur goes around the room)
CRUSHER: What's wrong?
PICARD: Well, it's unusual to fly on sensors alone in this type of manoeuvre. The pilot relies on visual clues from the other ships to maintain formation.

This is a whole other screed waiting to happen, but it would require a lot of research that I don't care to do. Long story short, at 80,000 kph and ten meters away I would want autopilot to be doing most of the work!

SATELK: Mister Crusher, will you describe a Yeager loop?
WESLEY: The ships begin in a diamond slot formation, and climb and loop backwards at a steep angle, and at the peak of the loop, turn over and accelerate in a new direction.

I can picture this maneuver, but it doesn't seem that impressive to me. The biggest danger would be the other ships.

[Nate the Great]

CRUSHER: There must be something wrong with the satellite data. It might have been tampered with.

By who? Why would the Romulans or whoever want to do this?

CRUSHER:I am going to talk to Admiral Brand and ask her to delay the inquiry.

Until when? You prove that the Romulans tampered with the satellite data?

BOOTHBY: These weeds keep popping up in the pittosporum. Poor plants don't have a chance to grow.

Also known as cheesewood, pittosporum is a family of flowers. Small curling white petals, long narrow leaves. The Japanese use them as bonsai plants. The seeds will stick to animal fur, but some animals like to eat them.

And that's your pointless knowledge for the day. I wonder if Ro knows this stuff.

PICARD: You could use a good herbicide instead of pulling the weeds with your bare hands.
BOOTHBY: And you could explore space on a holodeck instead of a starship.

I don't see the parallel here. Furthermore, how can you "explore" unknown space on a holodeck? If it's unknown it can't be simulated!

BOOTHBY: Do you remember the parrises squares tournament of 'twenty four?
PICARD: The final game against Minsk.

Jack and Beverly were born in this year. It does make me wonder how they became friends with Picard. I'll always remember how firmly Worf pushed for Minsk as the O'Brien's new home in "What You Leave Behind." After all, the Roshenkos are from Minsk.

DATA: We unsuccessfully tried fifty three different computational models in an effort to simulate the movements of the Nova Squadron just prior to the crash.

I wonder why they didn't slip in a 47 here.

PICARD: Filling the primary coolant tanks requires an open interlock but that can only be performed in a maintenance bay. Is there any other reason for opening the valve?
LAFORGE: It's the first step in purging the plasma exhaust.

They seem to be implying that exhaust plasma is kept in a tank for later removal instead of sending it out into space. What does that have to do with coolant?

The best that I can figure is that they're dumping the coolant to temporarily store the plasma in there. Perhaps they're going to pressurize the plasma for a few seconds to make a more impressive display.

PICARD: The first duty of every Starfleet officer is to the truth. Whether it's scientific truth, or historical truth, or personal truth. It is the guiding principle upon which Starfleet is based. If you can't find it within yourself to stand up and tell the truth about what happened you don't deserve to wear that uniform.

I hope you don't mind if I toss up a link to the Picard Song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6oUz1v17Uo&t=109s) here...

LOCARNO: He got to you, didn't he? Picard told you some big story about duty and honour. It must've been a pretty good speech to make you turn your back on your friends.
WESLEY: We're Starfleet cadets. We have a duty to the truth.
LOCARNO: What about your duty to your friends?

Maybe they should've changed Locarno to Paris after all, Locarno is a real slimeball...

PICARD: You knew what you had to do. I just made sure you listened to yourself.

They could've made the Boothby parallel a bit less obvious and more natural.

The Fiver

Captain's Log: ...Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before....
Data: We should arrive at Earth in just over ten hours, Captain.
Picard: Mr. Data, you're ruining the mood.

"How could I ruin the mood, sir? We've been acting as a taxi for the last month!"

Brand: I have assigned Captain Satelk of Vulcan to assist me.
Crusher: Uh oh.

Satelk is played by Richard Fancy. He's been in a number of projects with other Trek alumni, but not McFadden. Is the fact that he's a Vulcan supposed to be the joke here? Crusher never had any problem with Vulcans, did she?

La Forge: You want us to investigate the accident too? Why?
Picard: I'm still hoping there's some way Wesley will get in trouble for all this.
La Forge: Why do you care?
Picard: Do you want him assigned to the Enterprise when he graduates?
La Forge: We'll get right on that investigation, sir.

Again, I get the joke, but this still seems out of character.

Wesley: This sucks. We should just tell the truth.
Locarno: No.
Sito: Not even if they offer us a guest starring role in a future episode?
Wesley: Not even if they offer us a cameo in the next movie?
Locarno: No way! Not even if they offer us a starring role in the next series.
Wesley: (to Sito) Wow, he is serious.

Wesley didn't cameo in "the next movie", he cameoed in Nemesis!

Wesley: We're screwed, Nick! Captain Picard knows we performed a banned maneuver!
Locarno: You mean you're screwed. I'm going to change my name and join the Maquis.
Wesley: That sounds kind of risky.
Locarno: Meh. What's the worst that could happen?

Locarno and Paris' backstories aren't that similar, really.

Wesley: I feel awful. I'm being held back a year and my career is probably ruined for good. I'll never get posted to the Enterprise now!
Picard: Well, my work here is done.

Actually, since Picard wanted to give Sito a fair chance to redeem herself, he probably would welcome Wesley back. If Wesley hadn't turned into a jerk, that is...

Memory Alpha

* Only appearance of the real Boothby (he never should've been in Voyager).
* They wanted to bring back Robin Lefler for this episode, but I can't understand how she'd fit into the plot.
* First actual appearance of Starfleet Academy.
* Jeri Taylor considered Lacarno to be too dark and damaged.
* McNeill considered the two roles quite different. Locarno was a bad person pretending to be a good person and Paris was the other way around.

Memory Beta
* Locarno joined a privateer ship, but was assimilated by the Borg.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil has a nice time calculating Picard's age if Data really did graduate in the class of '78 as he once claimed. Picard has to be over ninety! Of course that also means that this episode is taking place is 2400, not 2368.
* The graphic implies a position between Wesley's and Joshua's ship's that the mirror image of how Wesley describes it. Oops.
* The manual doors at the Academy still make automated door noises. Oops.
* The second edition features a reader reply correcting the Picard age math.
* How does Riker know what it's like to live with his parents when his mother died when he was young?

[Nate the Great]

April 20th, 1992, "Cost of Living"

The Episode

RIKER: Ready torpedoes.
WORF: Aye, sir.
DATA: Sir, the core is composed of nitrium and chrondite. It is unlikely another photon torpedo will be of any effect.

The name "nitrium" is a variant on "natrium", the original name for sodium (hence "Na"). I doubt sodium is what was intended here, although it's not unheard of for comets to have sodium in them that will burn away into the tail. This the only appearance of nitrium or chrondite in Trek.

WORF: My instructions were clear.
ALEXANDER: They were not!
WORF: Before he was allowed to play, he was to place his soiled clothing in the garment reprocessor.

Only appearance of the garment reprocessor, although "In Theory" mentions clothes being cleaned using a "cleaning processor". It stands to reason that it would be energy intensive to use the replicator to reduce clothes to base replicator material and then rereplicate them, but you have to wonder what a "cleaning processor" does that a washing machine does not. Perhaps by the 24th century they've invented a more efficient dry cleaning method and combined it with an automatic ironing system.

RIKER: Apparently, Deanna being on board is only part of the reason.
PICARD: The other reason being?
RIKER: She thinks the honour of giving away the bride should fall on you.
PICARD: Permission for an on-board wedding is granted, Number One. Nothing would please me more than to give away Mrs. Troi.

Picard's dry wit is a real pleasure sometimes.

LWAXANA: Little one! Mister Woof. Come, join us.

We're way too far into the series for Lwaxana to still be doing the Mister Woof thing. It wasn't that good of a joke to begin with.

LWAXANA: Computer, some jestral tea, please.

Jestral tea actually had an appearance in Trek 11. I feel such pity for the production staff that cares about such things when the producers don't.

(the ship shakes and alarms go off)
WORF: We have an intermittent failure of the inertial damping system.

It's annoying how cavalier the writers are about inertial dampener failure. Any failure should result in people being thrown into walls at fatal velocities.

LAFORGE: According to the mass spectrometer, the elements in the residue have been broken down into simpler molecular structures.
DATA: That would suggest the nitrium has been organically metabolised.

So this nitrium is definitely not sodium, but some sort of molecule, probably a metal alloy.

DATA: In several cases, an exanogen gas barrier has been known to slow the progress of metal parasites.
PICARD: They don't like cold, eh? Make it so.

Only appearance of exanogen gas. I am annoyed at this solution, you'd imagine that the asteroid is colder than the ship, and the parasites seemed fine.

LAFORGE: The parasites must've gotten into the primary warp controllers, Captain. Trying to do a bypass patch to isolate the backup controllers but it looks like warp six is about the best I'm going to be able to give you.

There's a whole screed to be written here about the practicality of a secondary warp control computer just in case. Let's just boil it down to the conclusion: I doubt that such a backup would have the full range of warp speeds available. I wonder if each computer core has a full set of engineering processors, with the saucer cores being isolated until they're needed. Perhaps Geordi has to do a bypass to reach the engineering directories of the saucer computer cores.

LAFORGE: The matter-antimatter injectors are failing. I'm rerouting to secondary injector power now.

The matter and antimatter injectors are different components, you can't really lump them into one thing.

WORF: We must evacuate decks twenty through twenty four, Captain.
PICARD: Make it so. Shut down life support to those decks.
RIKER: Direct all evacuees to decks nine and ten.

There's no safe deck in between? And are the turbolifts still working?

COMPUTER: Structural integrity of the dilithium chamber is at thirty four percent.

So the parasites have turned the dilithium chamber into swiss cheese. This is one place where the interepisode reboot button is the most annoying. After this episode the E-D would require a major refit to replace all of the nitrium components, but the next episode is set ten days after this one. Oops.

WORF: You're just supposed to sit here?

You have to wonder if Klingons even have sedentary methods of recreation. They do have music and stage plays, but that's a different category. I can't see them tanning on the beach, can you?

Memory Alpha

* Last appearance of Mr. Homn.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil is confused as to how childless Troi is giving parenting advice. I'm not, she's a trained counselor, and that has to include parenting advice. The readers pointed this out during the interval between Volume 1 and Volume 2 of the Nitpicker's Guide.
* Troi responds to a question from Campio with "Ha!" Phil finds this odd and disrespectful. I call this her being on her last nerve with her mother on board.
* They say that sensors can't detect the parasites. Phil presents the valid counterargument that it's simply a matter of doing continual scans of the ship and looking for places where nitrium is disappearing.
* How can the ship survive coming out of warp if the inertial dampeners aren't reliable right now?
* At the end Data activates the Bussard collectors for seemingly no reason. The particle stream is emitted from the tractor beam emitter, after all.

[Nate the Great]

April 27th, 1992, "The Perfect Mate"

I will try to keep the X-Men jokes to a minimum, but no promises...

Fiver by Marc (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=theperfectmate)

The Episode

PICARD: I trust, Ambassador, that this cargo is in no way dangerous?
BRIAM: Oh, no, nothing of the sort. I'm cautious because it's quite fragile, and quite irreplaceable.

I know that this has nothing to do with Harry Mudd, but it's an interesting idea. After all, while he called his women "cargo" he did treat them as actual people.

RIKER: Bridge to transporter room three. Boost your output and lock on to the two Ferengi on board the shuttle.

What's a Ferengi shuttle doing all the way out here without a mother ship?

RIKER: Bridge to transporter room three. Boost your output and lock on to the two Ferengi on board the shuttle. We may need to attempt a long range transport.

It occurs to me that we never really got an explanation as to what a "long range transport" actually is. It would make sense that if the transporters on both ends could link you could extend the range, but that's rarely implied. Does a long range transport involve tying in long range sensors or other equipment that lowers the chances of success?

RIKER: Mister Worf, escort our Ferengi guests to quarters. Not too close to mine.
WORF: Understood.

A cute joke, and it raises the question of whether or not there are different "levels" of quest quarters. The Kriosians are no doubt in the VIP section, the senior officers in another, and the standard guest quarters in yet another.

LAFORGE: We've been working from your drawings, Ambassador. I hope we're in the ballpark.
BRIAM: Ball park?
PICARD: That's an old human expression. Mister LaForge hopes that we've got close to achieving what you wanted.

Ah, the inconsistencies of the Universal Translator. How I don't like them. Then again, could you really train Starfleet officers to not use planet-specific idioms? Or program the Universal Translator to translate idioms into plain English before the translation?

Then again, I'm reminded of how "spider under the table" is the Bajoran version of "fly on the wall." So I guess the UT is depressingly literal.

BRIAM: Astonishing. It is the ancient Temple of Akadar. It is this temple that bonds Krios and Valt, gentlemen. Two brothers ruled a vast empire from this site until they were torn apart by their love for an extraordinary woman.

How large was this empire? I'm reminded of the novel Dragon's Honor, where an "empire" was the homeworld and a couple colonies, all contained within one nebula. Or maybe this "vast empire" existed in the "generation" of galactic powers before the current one, where engines were slower and travel times longer. I'm sure if I wanted to I could crawl through Memory Alpha and come up with likely galactic powers a thousand years ago.

LENOR: Peace is good for trade, unless you happen to be an arms merchant.

I actually think this is a decent joke, even if the TNG Ferengi themselves constitute a joke at this point. Of course "peace is good for business" is Rule #35 (and Memory Alpha refers to this episode as a reference).

(Briam and Picard enter a turbolift as Geordi hustles Lenor away)
LAFORGE: Listen, have you had a chance to see the dolphins yet?

Only mention of the onboard dolphins in TNG. "Yesterday's Enterprise" has a mention of "Cetacean Ops", but that was more of an Easter egg. Lower Decks has a few more cameos, including onscreen whale Starfleet officers. Personally I think the whole thing is ridiculous. Navigating in three dimensions in water is nothing like navigating in three dimensions in outer space. Furthermore adapting a ship's control for their use would require a ground-up redesign of the ship.

As for whether or not the inhabitants of the Whale Probe are actually whales, SF Debris presented a valid point. Creating spaceships requires technology that flippers just can't manage.

QOL: This is a misunderstanding. I was looking for a barbershop. Apparently I made an incorrect turn and...

What a Ferengi would need with a barber is beyond me. Or was Qol planning to ask Mr. Mot for tips on changing careers?

KAMALA: As do I, Ambassador. Why have I been brought out of stasis prematurely?
BRIAM: It was an accident. This is quite complicated. Perhaps you and I
KAMALA: It is not complicated at all, Briam, and the Captain has no tolerance for prevarication. I'm a gift, to Alrik of Valt.

"Prevarication" is just a fancy way of saying "lying" or at least "avoiding the truth." I get that the writers want to portray Kamala as intelligent, but there have to be better ways than sending viewers to their dictionaries.

BRIAM: Not as property, as a gift, and I was concerned that you might not entirely understand.

Could someone explain to me how a "gift" is not "property"?

KAMALA: In our history there's a woman known as Garuth, who was loved by the brothers Krios and Valt with such passion that an empire fell.
BRIAM: And the wars began when Krios kidnapped Garuth and took her to our planet.
KAMALA: Like her, I'm an empathic metamorph. The first female metamorph born in my world for over a hundred years.
PICARD: A metamorph?
KAMALA: A mutant. A biological curiosity, if you will. With the ability to sense what a potential mate wants, what he needs, what gives him the greatest pleasure and then to become that for him.

I refer you to SF Debris' review. As he points out, they try to make this okay by saying that male metamorphs are common, but it doesn't work. There's a whole screed to be had here about people changing themselves for love, or at least the illusion of love.

Furthermore, the fact that a fight over a metamorph caused the war in the first place is something that they give too little attention to. If they're not going to discuss the issues thoroughly than the story of Garuth is rather pointless.

BRIAM: You see, male metamorphs are somewhat common, but females are born only once in seven generations. So obviously they are greatly sought after as mates.
RIKER: Which explains the Ferengi's interest.

Which raises further questions! It's one thing for these people to be fought over on their own planets, but if the Ferengi kidnapped one it's still kidnapping, prostitution, and human trafficking! Even if such things aren't prohibited by Ferengi culture (and since Ferengi women have no rights I see no reason why they would be), they're prohibited by anyone the Ferengi would try to sell her to, except for other Ferengi! And making non-Ferengi women do Ferengi woman tasks (especially prechewing their tube grubs, ew) raises further questions!

KAMALA: My body is producing an unusually elevated level of what you would call pheromones. The effect can be quite provocative. Perhaps you sense it?
RIKER: Ah, unfortunately, I'm not an empath.
KAMALA: Oh, I think you are more empathic than you admit. At least when it comes to women.

Oh boy, the uncomfortable discussion we could have on this point...

RIKER: Listen. This has been educational but I make it a policy never to open another man's gift.
KAMALA: I know my role in history, Commander. But it's going to be a long voyage.

Without getting too uncomfortable, let's just say that I expect a people who value these metamorphs would also value virginity in said metamorphs.

RIKER: Riker to bridge. If you need me, I'll be in holodeck four.

SF Debris was correct to mock Riker for needing a cold shower after one kiss. Besides, we've seen Riker with plenty of women who were forward with him, he should be used to it. And no, I won't blame her pheromones, Riker hangs out on Risa all the time and they must have something similar.

CRUSHER: How can you simply deliver her like a courier into a life of virtual prostitution.
PICARD: Beverly! Arranged marriages have been the basis of political alliances in many cultures, including our own.

I'm not sure that "prostitution" is the right word here, but I'm not in the mood to ponder alternatives. I have more problem with Picard's use of "culture". While some may be willing to unite all of humanity within a single culture umbrella, I doubt that Picard is one of them.

CRUSHER: She has been conditioned since the day she was born to believe it's perfectly acceptable to exist only to please men.

Do metamorphs not have jobs of their own? Are metamorphs stuck in the proverbial kitchen by these people? I'll skip another screed.

[Nate the Great]

PICARD: All right, fine, good, let's throw the Prime Directive to the winds. Let's detain her against her will. Let's destroy any chance of peace between these worlds. Let's interfere in their society, their customs.

Picard has a point here. At most he can recommend that these people aren't ready for Federation membership. That's it.

CRUSHER: That slave trader who calls himself an ambassador, he has confined her to her quarters.

There's a difference between pimps and slave traders. A big one.

KAMALA: I'm afraid my premature emergence from stasis has left me a little vulnerable to the desires I sense from men. Nevertheless, this is who I am, Captain. You might as well ask a Vulcan to forgo logic, or a Klingon to be nonviolent. I cannot change, and I don't want to until the time has come for me to bond with my permanent mate. Why does it bother you?
PICARD: Frankly, it's difficult for me, for many of us, to easily accept that a sentient being can live only to be what someone else wants them to be.
KAMALA: But that's what gives a metamorph pleasure.

One of the most annoying things about episodes like this is that practically every conversation could result in lengthy discussions of the moral implications. I'm offended that she equates "Klingon" with "violent". Klingons try to attain and defend their honor, and we've seen that they're willing to scheme and use other nonviolent methods to attain this.

KAMALA: But you know me better than you realise. I am independent, forceful, brilliant, and adventurous. Exactly as you would have me be, Captain.

Oh, the discussion we could have about how well Picard's previous girlfriends match this description. Let me just say that Jenice Manheim doesn't seem to fit this very well.

BRIAM: She is still in the Finiis'ral, the height of her sexual allure, Captain. Every man on the ship will be fighting over her.
PICARD: Not every man.

I have to agree with SF Debris on this one. Picard can't even trust a Vulcan woman for this job?

MINER 1: Excuse me, but I'm absolutely certain that we met once at Paloris Colony.
KAMALA: I've never been to Paloris Colony.
MINER 1: Neither have I. Why don't we find out what else we have in common.

This is such a lame attempt at a pickup line. Only mention of Paloris Colony. I do wish they could've used one of the existing TOS mining colonies like Delta Vega or Janus VI or Ardana.

KAMALA: What are you all having, boys?
MINER 2: Aldorian Ale's our drink.
KAMALA: Then, it's mine too.

Only mention of Aldorian ale. One wonders if they meant Andorian ale, but that beverage won't appear until DS9.

DATA: Thank you, Lieutenant. The crowd seemed a bit too ebullient for comfort. Perhaps you would enjoy a quiet visit to the arboretum.
(Data leads Kamala away, then she turns and growls. Data hauls her out of the room before Worf growls back and then catches himself)

"Men do not roar. Women roar. Then they hurl heavy objects, and claw at you..."

KAMALA: I stay informed on a wide variety of subjects. After all, one never knows when the conversation might turn to Ventanan archeology or to the dark woman of raven brows and mournful eyes in Shakespeare's sonnets. Or to the gardens of Les Eyries near the village where you grew up.

I get the implication, but there's just too much information out there for any one person to be fluent in all of it.

KAMALA: My empathic powers can only sense a man of deep passion, and conviction. So controlled. So disciplined. I am simply curious to know what lies beneath.
PICARD: Nothing. Nothing lies beneath. I'm really quite dull. I fall asleep each night with an old book in my hands.

I don't like this description of Picard. It may be accurate, but there's more to him than she's mentioning. How many antique books does Picard own?

QOL: The bribe is ten thousand more.
LENOR: Ludugial gold. The purest in the galaxy.

An RPG module claims that ludugial gold is impossible to counterfeit, just like latinum. I do wish that gold-pressed latinum had been introduced WAY earlier.

PICARD: I'm reminded of piano lessons when I was a child. Preparing for some dreaded recital.
KAMALA: You still play?
PICARD: No. I regret that I gave it up. It used to please my mother. But I didn't like performing in front of an audience.
KAMALA: Shy?
PICARD: No. Just not very good.

Actually, Picard never plays the Ressikan flute in public either. Apparently Yvette appears in STP. I always thought that the illusion in "Where No One Has Gone Before" is Picard's grandmother, but no, that's Yvette.

PICARD: Kamala.
KAMALA: Do you find me unattractive?
PICARD: I find you unavailable.

I'm offended when people think that physical attractiveness is the only important factor in deciding to have a relationship. I refer you to my "'60s gender politics" comment from the retrospective entry on "Is There In Truth No Beauty."

KAMALA: When I was a child, I took music lessons, too.
PICARD: Really? What instrument?
KAMALA: All of them.

I repeat my earlier comment. This is impossible. A human orchestra has a couple dozen different kinds of instruments by itself. Toss in dozens of alien races and you have hundreds of instruments. It's just like any of the other subjects that she claims to be fluent in, impossible.

KAMALA: A starship captain must encounter all sorts of lifeforms. Am I one of the most unique you've ever met? Please say yes.
PICARD: Yes.

Actually, she isn't, not by a long shot.

CRUSHER: For your thoughts. Penny for your thoughts.
PICARD: Do you have one?
CRUSHER: I'm sure the replicator will have one on file.

The issue of replicating antique currency is another interesting discussion that I'll skip.

PICARD: Acknowledged. You can't go through with the ceremony.
KAMALA: Would you ask me to stay and ask two armies to keep fighting? Having bonded with you, I've learned the meaning of duty. He'll never know. I'm still empathic. I will be able to please him. I only hope he likes Shakespeare.

This is supposed to be heartwarming, but I find it horrifying.

The fiver

Captain's Log: We are carrying a mysterious, highly valuable gift that Ambassador Briam of Krios will present as a peace offering to Chancellor Alrik of Valt Minor. Our guest says that he would have preferred us to use an armoured delivery ship, so I have dealt with his complaint by ordering the Enterprise's outer hull to be painted in suitable shades of gray.

I'm sorry, Marc, but this was a lengthy setup for a particularly weak and irrelevant joke.

Briam: All the same, I request that you declare your cargo bay to be strictly off limits to everyone.
Picard: Before I do that, I'll need proof that this gift of yours is truly as priceless as you claim.
Riker: (over the comm) Captain, two Ferengi in a damaged shuttlecraft are requesting that we rescue them.
Picard: All right, I'm convinced.

Ha. The joys of medium awareness.

Picard: Was this the place that launched a thousand ships and burnt the topless towers of Ilium?

Illium is another name for Troy of the Trojan War. I'm not sure why Marc would mix and match references to the Illiad.

Kamala: (smooch!)
Computer: Warning -- ambient temperature levels approaching the combustion point of Starfleet uniform material.

Ha. You have to wonder what the combustion point it, it must be above that of today's cloth.

Crusher: Well I believe that people should marry for love, whether they're royalty or not.
Picard: You mean like King Charles the Third and Queen Camilla?
Crusher: Exactly.

Charles isn't king yet, and I'll bet Marc thought that he would be by now. Charles married Camilla in 2005, after this fiver was written.

Picard: I'm already married to a special lady -- she's called the Enterprise.

Picard never had the loverlike attachment to his ship that Kirk had. This doesn't seem like Picard. He'd me more likely to say that he's married to his Starfleet career.

Kamala: I like it that way. Hey, boys! Wanna work up some sweat in the gym with me? Dr. Crusher told me there's a great ThighMaster machine in there I should try.

This is a reference to Famke Janssen's later role as Xenia Onatopp in Goldeneye.

Kamala: Will you visit me from time to time? We could listen to Mozart, make love, talk about archaeology....
Picard: Kamala, please stop doing this. There's only so much temptation a man can take.

Of course you could argue which of the three Picard finds the most tempting...

Picard: Yes, and I'm having trouble picturing what she'll transform into once she finally meets the Chancellor.
Beverly: From what I've seen of Alrik, my guess would be a cross between a stockbroker and a bureaucrat.
Picard: Oh, thanks a million for that particular image.

Maybe the Ferengi came a bit too early, then. Hehe...

(Picard watches Kamala's ship depart at Dolorous Speed)

"Dolorous" means "sorrowful."

Memory Alpha

* Famke Janssen turned down the role of Dax on DS9. The makeup was recycled for Terry Farrell when the original Trill makeup didn't work out.
* Memory Alpha compares this episode to "Elaan of Troyius." Aside from broad strokes, I don't see it.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Picard agreed to add extra security to the cargo bay, so how did the Ferengi get in there? It occurs to me that all of the cargo bays should at least scan for a commbadge before opening the door.
* Phil notes that on the xylophone notes get higher going left to right on one level and right to left on another level, very confusing.
* Wouldn't Kamala be herself if she's only surrounded by women?
* In "The Mind's Eye" it's declared that Krios is a Klingon colony trying to get its independence. Oops.

[Nate the Great]

I guess I didn't make any X-Men jokes after all. Anyway, if you want a parallel consider that in the earliest X-Men comics it was revealed that Professor X was in love with Jean Grey as well.

[NAHTMMM]

March 23rd, 1992, "Cause and Effect"
Like I've said, I don't like it when people are thought to be insane.
Nor do I generally.

* The major appearance of Bateson and the Bozeman crew after this is in the novel Ship of the Line.
Ah yes, the Diane Carey novel I like to pretend doesn't exist.


March 30th, 1992, "The First Duty"
CRUSHER: Wesley's allergic to metorapan treatments. I think they'll have to use a bicaridine substitute. I should send his complete records to the Academy infirmary. Of course, they probably have them already, but you can't be too sure.

I get that Beverly is under a lot of stress right now, but I still can't forgive this moment of idiocy. I expect the Academy to collect all necessary medical records of incoming students.
Yeah, but this is Starfleet, and a chance to have an unexpected allergic reaction is exactly the kind of dramatic opportunity to create a case of Starfleet Stupidity.

This is a whole other screed waiting to happen, but it would require a lot of research that I don't care to do. Long story short, at 80,000 kph and ten meters away I would want autopilot to be doing most of the work!
Agreed.

Brand: I have assigned Captain Satelk of Vulcan to assist me.
Crusher: Uh oh.

Satelk is played by Richard Fancy. He's been in a number of projects with other Trek alumni, but not McFadden. Is the fact that he's a Vulcan supposed to be the joke here? Crusher never had any problem with Vulcans, did she?
Crusher is hoping the investigators won't be able to pick apart Wesley's testimony . . . and now she finds out one of them is Vulcan.


The Outcast

The fiver

Picard: Was this the place that launched a thousand ships and burnt the topless towers of Ilium?

Illium is another name for Troy of the Trojan War. I'm not sure why Marc would mix and match references to the Illiad.
They fought over a woman before and they might do it again? "Place that launched a thousand ships" is wordplay on "face that launched a thousand ships". It's enough for a fiver.


* Picard agreed to add extra security to the cargo bay, so how did the Ferengi get in there? It occurs to me that all of the cargo bays should at least scan for a commbadge before opening the door.
Starfleet Stupid strikes again!

[Nate the Great]

May 4th, 1992, "Imaginary Friend"

Let's get this out of the way up front; the creators do their best to present both sides of the imaginary friend debate, but they fell short. Troi and Guinan act like imaginary friends are just a phase that kids will eventually grow out of, but that's not the whole story. If a child feels the psychological need to have an imaginary friend, find out why and deal with the issue so they don't have the need anymore.

I never had a traditional imaginary friend. That is, someone my own age that I could talk to. Instead I had (and still have) a cast of characters that I would send on adventures like in fanfiction, narrating their actions. I could tell you such stories about them, but you're not THAT interested, I'm sure.

No fiver

The Episode

CLARA: I have to go plant the nasturtiums now. I'm Keiko's helper in the arboretum today.

"Nasturtium" sounds like an alien plant, but they're real. They're small orange/red flowers. You can eat them in a salad or stir fry, and the herbs have medicinal properties.

TROI: I can understand your concern, Ensign Sutter, but really you have nothing to worry about. It's a normal, healthy activity for children to engage in imaginary play.
SUTTER: I'm just afraid she's not making any real friends. She spends all of her time with Isabella.
TROI: You've been moving from starship to starship since Clara was two years old. Maybe Isabella provides a constant companion. She knows this is one friend she won't have to leave behind.

I understand Starfleet's new program of integrating families with the crew, but there are two big problems:
1. After the Borg invasion this program should've been abandoned for any ship not actually in deep space. It's way way WAY too late to still have so many children on board.
2. Stability is important for small children. Even IF the Borg weren't a factor, you shouldn't be moving them around without good reason. Furthermore, her father is an ordinary engineer, not a job that requires a lot of transfers. You shouldn't be forcing children to say goodbye all the time without good reason, and I'm not hearing one.

DATA: In order for the lateral sensors to complete their scheduled observations, additional processing time will be required.
LAFORGE: We could steal a couple of hours from the Engineering team while they're recalibrating the thermal interferometery scanner.

All standard engineering computer processing should be handled by the stardrive computer core. Long range sensors can be slaved to one of the saucer cores. If you're going to write technobabble to kill time until a plot-relevant thing happens, put more thought into it, writers!

OGAWA: He has shore leave next month. He asked me to go to Risa with him.
CRUSHER: No problem. Nurse McClukidge can cover for you.
OGAWA: I don't think I'm going, Doctor. I hear it's a very uninhibited atmosphere. Personally, I don't think I'm ready for that kind of fun.
CRUSHER: Try to talk him into Tavena Minor. They have a cruise down the Jokri River. The iridescent currents are beautiful.

This boyfriend is not her eventual husband Andrew Powell. In fact Andrew is the THIRD boyfriend mentioned for Ogawa over the years. It's always nice to see the minor characters fleshed out, especially when compared to the later series.

LAFORGE: So what are we going to name this nebula? FGC forty seven just doesn't have the proper ring to it.
SUTTER: Why don't we call it Sutter's Cloud?
...
LAFORGE: I was thinking about something more along the lines of the La Forge Nebula. It's got sort of a majestic sound, don't you think?

A nebula is a smaller, denser kind of interstellar cloud. If this thing qualifies as a nebula you should call it a nebula. Also, obvious 47 is obvious.

CLARA: Why do you keep disappearing like that?
ISABELLA: The grown-ups don't believe I'm real. When they're around, I have to be invisible.

Well, duh. If they can't see you they won't believe you're real. Is Isabella supposed to have the intelligence of a child?

ISABELLA: What's in here?
CLARA: That's the door to the cargo bay. We can't go in there.

THE cargo bay? There are at least twelve on board, and probably many more than that. Even Clara should know that there's more than one. Furthermore, the door shouldn't even open unless you have a commbadge. And if you really want to be pedantic, there should be distinct differences in bulkhead colors, etc. between the civilian sections of the ship and the officers-only sections. The kids should've triggered a security alert on Worf's board.

LAFORGE: Okay, I've configured the magnetic coil to collect samples of gaseous matter from the nebula. Go ahead and activate the beam emitter.

Shouldn't the ship already have equipment to collect samples of what's outside? Plus it sounds like they're collecting nebular matter using the Bussard collectors. How can something designed to only collect hydrogen collect more complicated molecules?

SUTTER: I'm setting the fractionater to a continuous cycle.

"Fractionator" sounds like a fictional device, but it's real. It separates a mixture into its components based on their different physical properties. However, it seems to be used as random technobabble here.

LAFORGE: Well, I suppose there were aspects of my childhood that were less than ideal, but to me it was just one long adventure. Children are a lot stronger than you think. As long as they know you love them, they can handle just about anything life throws at them, you know.

Some kids are tougher than others, and applying a single model to all of them often leads to disaster.

GUINAN: It's a Samarian coral fish with its fin unfolded.
DATA: I believe what you are seeing is the effect of the fluid dynamic processes inherent in the large scale motion of highly rarified gas.
GUINAN: No, no. First it was a fish, and now it's a Mintonian sailing ship.
DATA: Where?
GUINAN: Right there. Don't you see the two swirls coming together to form the mast?
DATA: I do not see it. It is interesting that people try to find meaningful patterns in things that are essentially random. I have noticed that the images they perceive sometimes suggest what they are thinking about at that particular moment. Besides, it is clearly a bunny rabbit.

Seeing patterns where there is none is called "pareidolia." Data's punchline is noncharacteristic, though.

GUINAN: Now, how about two Papalla juices with extra bubbles.
CLARA: Just one, please. Isabella isn't thirsty.

Like Kanar and other Trek beverages, Papalla juice doesn't have a single appearance. It could be transparent purple or opaque orange.

TROI: Clara, you haven't been on this she very long, so maybe you don't know, but Ten Forward is usually for grown-ups.

It makes you wonder if there's a children's equivalent on board. It would be a good idea.

ISABELLA: Let's go to Engineering, Clara. Just for a little while. No one will know. It'll be our secret. And if they find us, we'll tell them we got lost.

Isabella is pressing her luck. While there's no question that there are civilian areas near Ten Forward, there shouldn't be any near Engineering. In fact, why would civilians be allowed in the stardrive section at all? Except for authorized civilian scientists like Keiko, of course.

LAFORGE: No, but if we run the warp field generators through the deflector grid, we could radiate a field outside the ship.

The warp field already goes outside the ship! And a lot farther than the deflector shields by the way!

ISABELLA: You should be destroyed. You are cruel, uncaring creatures.
PICARD: What makes you say that?
ISABELLA: The way you treat Clara.
PICARD: In what way have we mistreated her?
ISABELLA: You wouldn't let her do what she wanted to, or go where she wanted to.
...
PICARD: I understand. You are seeing this ship, all of us, from a unique perspective. From a child's point of view. It must seem terribly unfair and restrictive to you. As adults, we don't always stop to consider how everything we say and do shapes the impressions of young people. But if you're judging us as a people by the way we treat our children, and I think there can be better criterion, then you must understand how deeply we care for them. When our children are young, they don't understand what might be dangerous. Our rules are to keep them from harm, real or imagined, and that's part of the continuity of our human species.

This is one of the more hamfisted Picard speeches, but I can't blame him, it's the episode's fault.

Memory Alpha

* Guinan wasn't originally intended to be a part of this episode. I feel that she was necessary in this case, just like in "Rascals."

Nitpicker's Guide

* Clara's mother is never mentioned. Is she on assignment somewhere else as her child keeps getting relocated?
* Clara says that Isabella has pierced ears, but the imposter doesn't. You'd think an editor would've noticed that one.
* How did Clara get to Main Engineering? Wouldn't the computer notice her turbolift destination and stop her? (Maybe there are civilian areas elsewhere on Deck 36, but would the computer do the wall panel arrows to direct her there?)
* Guinan says that the papalla juice has extra bubbles, but the prop doesn't. Oops.

[Nate the Great]

May 11th, 1992, "I, Borg"

Fiver by Marc (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=iborg)

The Episode

DATA: Readings are still inconclusive, however the moon's atmosphere is capable of supporting life.

I hate it when Trek implies that the only thing that matters for Class M conditions is the atmosphere. They ignore gravity, air pressure, temperature, on and on...

TROI: I would have thought having a Borg on the ship would stir some feelings.
PICARD: I'm quite recovered from my experience, thank you.

Talk about a blatant lie. Even if you don't count First Contact we have the events of "Drumhead" and other episodes.

LAFORGE: If this works the way I think it will, once the invasive programme starts spreading, it'll only be a matter of months before the Borg suffer total systems failure.

Months? I don't think that the Borg would allow that much delay between updates. Isn't that what the transwarp conduits are for?

CRUSHER: I just think we should be plain about that. We're talking about annihilating an entire race.

What race? The Borg have no culture, even if you consider the Voyager retcons. They exist to consume, nothing more. The concept of genocide doesn't apply to the Borg.

RIKER: I agree. We're at war.
CRUSHER: There's been no formal declaration of war.
TROI: Not from us, but certainly from them. They've attacked us in every encounter.
PICARD: They've declared war on our way of life. We are to be assimilated.
CRUSHER: But even in war there are rules. You don't kill civilians indiscriminately.
RIKER: There are no civilians among the Borg.

The Borg are at war with every other sentient race. And Riker is right, there are no Borg civilians. There is no Borg culture. While you could argue that Hugh is a drafted soldier, he's still a soldier.

CRUSHER: When I look at my patient, I don't see a collective consciousness. I don't see a hive. I see a living, breathing boy who's been hurt and who needs our help. And we're talking about sending him back to his people as an instrument of destruction.

Being alive is not the same as being sentient. And while Hugh will eventually become sentient, at this point he isn't. Crusher is short-sighted. You could also argue that Borg drones aren't "alive" in the same way as humanoid, every single function is being supported by machinery.

CRUSHER: He must be hungry. The Borg don't ingest food. Their implants can synthesise any organic molecules the biological tissues require. What they need is energy.

There's another screed here. Does regeneration really consist of just a power socket and ethernet connection? It could be argued that regeneration alcoves also cultivate base biological material that can be transferred to drones. There has to be a limit to how much biological repair a drone can do by itself, after that the implants expand to replace the flesh.

LAFORGE: Yeah, but there's only one of you. Do you have a name? A means of identification?
BORG: Third of five.

I can't help but feel that a unimatrix or cube number should be attached to this designation.

LAFORGE: I've been rationing his portions of energy. I think he understands. When he cooperates, he gets fed. If not.
CRUSHER: Like a rat in a cage.

Alive does not mean sentient, etc.

LAFORGE: Look, if I'm going to figure out his command pathways, I need to learn how he processes information, and the only way I know to do that is by giving him perceptual tests. And for that, I need his cooperation.
CRUSHER: So he can participate in the destruction of his entire species.

The Borg are not a species! They're a virus that only wants to exist and gather information for no particular reason. The writer is really hammering in the foreshadowing, we didn't need this much!

BORG: What is a doctor?

If Data has a built-in dictionary, there's no reason why Borg can't. Stupid line...

LAFORGE: Anyway, I'm having second thoughts about what we're doing here. I mean, programming him like some sort of walking bomb. Sending him back to destroy the others.

Even IF we accept that Borg drones are sentient, THEY ARE AT WAR! Sabotage and Trojan Horses are an accepted part of war. I hate it when Trek writers rewrite reality to convey a message in a hamfisted manner.

PICARD: How can a geometric form disable a computer system?
DATA: The shape is a paradox, sir. It cannot exist in real space or time.
LAFORGE: When Hugh's imaging apparatus imprints this on his biochips, he'll try to analyse it.
DATA: He will be unsuccessful, and will store the shape in his memory banks. It will be shunted to a subroutine for further analysis.
LAFORGE: Then when the Borg download his memory, it'll be incorporated it into their network, then they'll try to analyse it.
DATA: It is designed so that each approach they take will spawn an anomalous solution. The anomalies are designed to interact with each other, linking together to form an endless and unsolvable puzzle.

The Borg have been around long enough to debug themselves to avoid logic loops. Furthermore, this seems like a plan that some other race would've tried a long time ago.

BORG: Locutus.
PICARD: Yes. I am Locutus of Borg.
BORG: Why are you here?

You'd think the Collective would've told all the drones that Locutus doesn't exist anymore.

The Fiver

Data: Sir, I am picking up an automated signal from the moon ahead of us.
Picard: What does it say?
Data: It is a single repeating word. I cannot decipher it, but it resembles the pseudo-Swedish dialect used by a certain culinary artist once featured on twentieth-century Earth television.

Ah yes, the Swedish Chef. "Borg" is a name used in various Nordic and Germanic cultures. There are multiple people with the last name of Borg.

Riker: I'd better take down an Away Team. I've always wanted to have a chef aboard the Enterprise.
Picard: Aren't replicators good enough for you anymore, Will?
Riker: It's the one in my quarters that's the problem. I once called it an overgrown toaster and it never forgave me.

Painful Enterprise joke. The Voyager joke is better by comparison.

Riker: Okay...definitely not Swedish.
Crusher: Why definitely? There's no reason the Borg couldn't have assimilated a few Scandinavians during the Battle of Wolf 359.
Riker: True. I just have trouble imagining what a blonde Borg would look like.

While we don't know Seven's ethnicity, Jeri Ryan is German.

Riker: Doctor, we have to get out of here. The Borg always come back to collect their dead.
Crusher: But he's not dead! He's just resting!
Worf: He looks dead to me.
Crusher: It's probably because he's pining for the Collective.

The Parrot Sketch is a classic. I would've included a few more lines from it, though.

Picard: The Collective is vulnerable because it's so interconnected. Can you devise an invasive program that we could load into this Borg before we return him to the hive?
La Forge: That depends on how good their security protocols are. Do you think they could be fooled into opening an unsolicited message attachment?
Picard: If we make the subject line enticing enough, yes.

Ah, early email gags. Spam filtering has certainly advanced since 2004, hasn't it?

Picard: The plan is to infect the Collective's great link with a logical paradox virus. Within months, the Borg will become so obsessed with solving it that they'll be powerless to do anything else
La Forge: In other words, think of it as a weapon of mass distraction.

I'm reminded of a gag from the movie "You've Got Mail"...

Listen to this, the entire work force of the state of Virginia had to have solitaire removed from their computers because they hadn't done any work in six weeks.

Data: This is the final design for the paradox virus.
Picard: It looks harmless enough. How does it work?
La Forge: I disguised it as an election-year campaign leaflet. It promises to cut taxes and balance the budget while eliminating the national debt and increasing public spending.

There are some politics jokes that never get old.

Guinan: Hugh has feelings. Before you use him as a genocidal weapon, you should at least look him in the eye.
Picard: It is not a he, it is an it, and it deserves no consideration whatsoever!
Guinan: That's not how you felt when Commander Maddox said the same thing about Data.
Picard: That was an entirely different case! My android second officer was being denied his fundamental human righ-- uh, what I mean to say is, um....

Comparisons to "Measure of a Man" are a bit of a stretch.

Memory Alpha

* There's a blooper in Borg designations here. Hugh uses "Third of Five" instead of "Three of Five" as Voyager would establish.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Why is Geordi writing the computer virus instead of Data?
* Phil also thinks that Borg would be able to escape logic loops.
* If Picard fighting to keep his individuality didn't affect the Borg, why would Hugh's?
* Hugh hears that the Enterprise will hide from the Borg cube behind the star. Why didn't the Borg assimilate this knowledge and attack the Enterprise?
* Back in "The Best of Both Worlds" Beverly wanted to program nanites to attack the Borg. Why is she against this computer virus?
* BOBW also established that cutting a drone off from Borg transmissions will kill them, yet they do it in this episode without problems. Oops.
* Why does Hugh think that "doctor" is an occupation and not a name? Phil specifically brings up Judge Reinhold.

[Nate the Great]

May 18th, 1992, "The Next Phase"

Fiver by Marc (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=thenextphase)

I won't be complaining about the "why don't they fall through the floor" bit, every outlandish Trek tech has to have a handwave to make it plausible. Besides, I'm always willing to suspend logic in the name of a good story. I am NOT willing to suspend logic in the name of lazy writers (looking at you, Voyager creative team!)

The Episode

RIKER: Aye, sir. No weapons. We don't want them to think they're under attack.
RO: This is not a bright idea.

The question of who's right isn't remotely as simple as Riker thinks. Personally I'd refuse to beam aboard a Romulan ship without at least a holstered phaser.

MIROK: Yes. We had a forced chamber explosion in the resonator coil.
LAFORGE: It's a pretty strange set up, but it looks like the graviton field generator has been completely depolarised. There's no way to fix it. It'll have to be replaced.

Time to play Decode the Technobabble! It stands to reason that you'd need some sort of resonating field to keep the artificial singularity under control. However, does it have to be a graviton field? This thing isn't a black hole, it's a quantum singularity, they're not that similar. The polarization is a bit tougher, but perhaps there's some analog of an electromagnet in there and there's no distinct north and south pole anymore. However, polarized gravitons seem a bit...impossible.

BROSSMER: What the hell? Engineering, I need more power to the primary energising coil. Brossmer to Commander Riker. I'm losing them I have to abort.
...
PICARD: Mister Data, begin a level one diagnostic. All transporter systems offline until further notice. Could they have materialised somewhere else?
DATA: Negative, Captain. Sensors are unable to locate them anywhere within transporter range.

So the transporter lost track of the phased patterns of Geordi and Ro. Fair enough, but later it will be revealed that they materialized, just not on the pads. This seems rather impossible. It seems that the endpoints of a transporter beam have to be locked onto before the occupant is dematerialized. Loosing the signal means dead in a wisp of smoke, we're not talking about a person walking along a forcefield and being dropped when the forcefield fails.

It would help if the Romulan and Starfleet transporters were linked here, and there was some sort of football fumbling action here to result in a displaced rematerialization.

PICARD: Mister Data, you may continue the diagnostic of the transporter systems at another time. Take a shuttlecraft and two more engineers down to the Romulan ship.

Two more? The Romulans need more than that! Meaningless aside, why was Ro over there anyway? She's Command, not Security!

WORF: Commander. Emergency bulkheads have sealed this section off from the rest of the ship. There is no way to gain access to the main Bridge or control centres.

Given the sheer volume of a D'deridex warbird, having multiple control centers makes sense. You'd want each major weapon cluster to have a "bridge", as well as the departments in the rear bridge stations on the E-D.

WORF: Readings indicate at least seventy three Romulans are still alive.
VAREL: Seventy three.

If the E-D has half a thousand crew, you'd have to imagine a Romulan warbird would have at least a thousand, just in terms of volume. I don't think you could run the whole ship with only 73 people. Incidentally, Varel's line is a blatant Chekov's Gun about the phased Romulan on the Enterprise, but they could've been clearer about that.

MIROK: The pressure has jumped two hundred melakols!

Melakols only appear in this episode. I wish they had appeared more often, maybe on Vulcan ships as well.

VAREL: I've lost control of the containment chamber.
MIROK: It's going to implode.
RIKER: We'll need to dump the entire engine core.

This is an interesting notion; the quantum singularity has to be contained to avoid imploding, not exploding. You have to assume that a delicate balance has to be maintained.

CRUSHER: You're right. I just hate making out death certificates. Does Ensign Ro have any family?
RO: Captain, I'm right here.
PICARD: None that I know of, but I'll check with the Bajoran liaison Office.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. The captain should know about the immediate family of at least the senior staff.

The expanded universe doesn't give her any relatives besides her mother Talia and father Gale. This surprises me, as you'd think a cousin or two would've crawled out of the woodwork by now.

RIKER [OC]: Engineering is modifying one of our subspace resonators to act as a new engine core. It won't do more than warp two, but it'll get them home.

There's no reason that a radically different tech like this would use the same integer warp factors that Starfleet does, but maybe Riker is rounding off.

WORF: Commander, the (looks round) the Romulans want a computer. We cannot give them access to Federation technology. That is an unacceptable security risk.
RIKER: What about a computer core from thirty or forty years ago? One the Romulans are already familiar with.
WORF: That would be satisfactory.
RIKER: Check with the Enterprise, see what's available. Be sure your concern are addressed before we install it.
WORF: Aye, sir. Thank you.

A nice scene. You do have to wonder why they keep spare computers from a period from before the ship was built around, though. I have trouble with the notion that PADDs are replicated, much less computer cores. There have to be industrial fabrication facilities, I suppose, so they're just using a computer DESIGN from thirty or forty years ago.

The notion of the Enterprise-C's computer core running a Romulan ship is still humorous.

LAFORGE: Wait a minute. What are you saying, that we're some sort of spirits?
RO: Spirits, souls. My people used to call them borhyas. Whatever term you want to use, we're it.
LAFORGE: But my uniform, my visor. Are you saying I'm some blind ghost with clothes?

Geordi has a point. Borhyas appear in a few DS9 novels. The DS9 game Harbinger states that if the Bajoran death chant isn't performed a person's soul becomes a borhyas, they sound more like wraiths in this context.

RIKER: In fact I might like to say a few words.
PICARD: You did know La Forge longer than any of us.
RIKER: Actually, I was thinking more about Ensign Ro.
RO: Me?
PICARD: When you're ready, coordinate with Mister Data.
RO: Wait a minute. What are you going to say about me?

I'd really like to know, too! How much do they remember about their romp in the hay from "Conundrum" five months ago?

RO: Captain. I don't believe this. I'm dead. you can't even hear me and I'm still intimidated by you. I just wanted to say thank you. For trusting in me when no one else would.

I wouldn't say "no one else". Does Guinan not count? Where is Guinan this week, anyway? I'm sure she would have something to say about Geordi AND Ro!

WORF: Human custom is to conduct a solemn, dignified service in which the dead are praised by their friends and loved ones.
DATA: Ensign Ro was Bajoran. Her beliefs should be reflected as well. However their death rituals are quite complicated.
RO: Please, not the Death Chant.
WORF: The Bajoran Death Chant is over two hours long.

Why is Ro so annoyed? She doesn't have to hang around and listen to it. Are there other Bajorans on board? Sito Jaxa won't join the crew for another year.

[Nate the Great]

DATA: I am not certain that either human or Bajoran rites are fitting.

Why not?

DATA: In almost all societies, it is traditional to say a ritual farewell to those you call friends. I never knew what a friend was until I met Geordi. He spoke to me as though I were human. He treated me no differently from anyone else. He accepted me for what I am. And that, I have learned, is friendship. But I do not know how to say goodbye.
RO: He seems almost human, doesn't he.

A nice moment from Data, but I'd forgotten about Ro's line. I wonder if Guinan talks about him to her.

LAFORGE: It's supposed to change the structure of matter so it can pass through normal matter and energy. Hang on a second. A few years back, we got intelligence reports that the Klingons were working on trying to combine a phase inverter and a cloaking device. In theory, they believed that a phased ship could hide anywhere, even inside a planet, and that conventional weapons would be useless against it.
RO: How far did they get in their research?
LAFORGE: It never got out of the preliminary stages. There were several accidents.

We'll see that the phase cloak has been considered by both powers for awhile, but...

RO: Then that would explain the explosion and the chroniton fields.
LAFORGE: And us.
RO: You mean we're cloaked?
LAFORGE: Not just cloaked, phased. Our entire molecular structure altered so that we don't have any substance.

That doesn't explain the current scenario. A phase cloak would only phase everything within an active field. You can't attach a "static phase" charge to a person, that's ridiculous.

MIROK: We will set up a muon feedback wave inside the transfer beam. The particles will accumulate in their dilithium chamber. When they go to warp speed, their engines will explode.

How a wave can create particles is beyond me. Maybe this has to do with the higher dimensions that dilithium crystals exist in. Then again, why would the transfer beam be tapping directly into the warp core without an intermediate converter?

PICARD: Deck ten. I've been thinking about the first time I met Geordi La Forge. He was a young officer assigned to pilot me on an inspection tour, and I made some off hand remark about the shuttle's engine efficiency not being what it should. And the next morning I found that he'd stayed up all night refitting the fusion initiators. Well, I knew then that I wanted him with me on my next command.

A nice story.

PICARD: I would like to get under way as soon as possible. The situation on Garadius Four is becoming serious.

Garidians will return in the video game A Final Unity. They resemble Romulans, but I don't know if they're supposed to be an early offshoot just like Romulans were from Vulcans.

LAFORGE: It looks like a great party. Do you mind if we join you?

Great line.

RO: I was raised with Bajoran beliefs. I even followed some of the practices, but I never really believed in a life after death. Then suddenly I was dead and there was another life, and it made me feel like I'd been pretty arrogant to discount everything I'd been taught, you know? Now I don't know what to believe.
LAFORGE: Maybe we should develop our own interphase device. If it can teach Ro Laren humility, it can do anything.

Ro's line is good, but Geordi's is a little offensive. Insulting an emotional reveal for the sake of a joke doesn't seem like Geordi, it seem more like McCoy, doesn't it?

The Fiver

La Forge: Enterprise, two people and one piece of weird Romulan equipment to beam aboard.
Chief Brossmer: (over the comm) I don't like the sound of that, sir. Any chance you and Ensign Ro could fax me a signed waiver before I energize?
La Forge: No.

I'm always surprised to learn that some people still use faxes.

Brossmer: (over the comm): Commander Riker, they vanished! I activated the transporter and they just vanished!
Riker: I presume you mean they vanished in a manner not consistent with the usual workings of the transporter.
Brossmer: Aye, o'course I mean that! D'ye think I'd call ye if they'd just beamed doon?
Riker: Funny how I never noticed that Scottish accent of yours until now.

Ah, Gamesters of Triskelion.

Ro: Oh, my aching head! How did I end up on the floor outside Sickbay? Note to self -- Romulan ale no longer to be consumed during rescue missions.

Undiscovered Country, too?

Ro: La Forge, can you see me?
La Forge: Yes, and I'm sure glad you can see me! No one else can! I was beginning to understand how Cyrus Ramsey must have felt.
Ro: Who?

This is an Enterprise reference. Ramsey was one of the first human victims of a transporter accident. Or maybe Hoshi just hallucinated his entire existence.

Ro: I think we're ghosts. Dr. Crusher says we died in a transporter accident.
La Forge: I'm not dead!
Ro: Yes, you are.
La Forge: No, I'm not! And I'm going for a walk!
Ro: Look, you're not fooling anyone. Now just wait here with me for the wooden cart, will you?

It's always a good day for a Monty Python reference.

Ro: Won't the whole shuttle go right through us as soon as the pilot starts to accelerate?
La Forge: No, the shuttle seats are made of the same material as the floors of the Enterprise.
Ro: Ah.

If inertia had any effect on them they'd have been left in the dust by the Enterprise the second they materialized. There are times when you should really just relax and not wonder about science facts...

La Forge: Did our near-death experience give you any new insights about life?
Ro: It'd be impossible to discuss the subject without a common frame of reference.

Voyage Home, too? And Ro is the last person I can imagine emulating Spock.

Nitpicker's Guide

* If they can't interact with air, how can they breathe or hear?
* At one point Data must step back so Geordi can go by. Oops.
* How would a nonphased couch protech Geordi and Ro from a phased explosion?
* In "The Hunted", an exploding phaser was deemed a risk to the entire deck, but in this episode an exploding Romulan disrupter didn't even fill Ten Forward.

[NAHTMMM]

May 11th, 1992, "I, Borg"
LAFORGE: Yeah, but there's only one of you. Do you have a name? A means of identification?
BORG: Third of five.

I can't help but feel that a unimatrix or cube number should be attached to this designation.
Agreed.

The Borg have been around long enough to debug themselves to avoid logic loops. Furthermore, this seems like a plan that some other race would've tried a long time ago.
Most things the Federation tries seems like something that someone would have already tried long ago.

Fiver is pretty good.
Captain's Log: We are mapping the star systems of the Argolis Cluster, where we have found an abundance of curious asteroids shaped like spheres, cubes and octahedra. I look forward to seeing what other oddities we will discover in the next system on our route.
I'm sure this is a reference . . . ?

Data: This is the final design for the paradox virus.
Picard: It looks harmless enough. How does it work?
La Forge: I disguised it as an election-year campaign leaflet. It promises to cut taxes and balance the budget while eliminating the national debt and increasing public spending.

There are some politics jokes that never get old.
Indeed.

* Phil also thinks that Borg would be able to escape logic loops.
I think they would be able to recognize a low-importance process and not let it take over their entire processing capabilities. This is really something you spring on the Borg during a battle to slow them down a bit, perhaps, rather than expect them to gum themselves up at leisure.


I've said it before, and I'll say it again. The captain should know about the immediate family of at least the senior staff.
At the bare minimum, he should know if his First Officer's father is an important ambassador from a core Foundation world, am I right?

"The Next Phase" is a good fiver too, nothing sticks out though.

[Zeke]

I'm sure this is a reference . . . ?

I think Marc was going for a little dramatic irony. With those particular shapes, the Argolis Cluster was screaming "upcoming Borg" as loud as it was able.

[Nate the Great]

June 1st, 1992, "The Inner Light"

Fiver by me (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=theinnerlight)

I'm skipping the fiver coverage, given that I already made a dicer thread (http://www.fiveminute.net/forums/showthread.php?t=1407&page=2) on it. Here's a link to the actual fiver (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=theinnerlight), feel free to gush about it. My ego can never get enough stroking.

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 45944.1. Following a magnetic wave survey of the Parvenium Sector, we've detected an object which we cannot immediately identify.

Only mention of the Parvenium Sector. Kataan is actually in the neighboring Silarian Sector, which isn't mentioned elsewhere either. Which is weird given the episode's popularity.

DATA: The probe is composed of paricium and talgonite, a ceramic alloy.

Only mention of either of these, although a ship made out of "crystalline ceramic" appears in "How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth." I'm dubious as to whether you could make a spaceship out of ceramic materials. Does Kataan even have titanium?

WORF: Sir, I am detecting a low-level nucleonic beam coming from the probe.

Nucleonic beams reappear in "The Cloud." I'm not sure if these could be the same thing.

DATA: The beam is scanning the shield's perimeter. The probe is emitting an unusual particle stream.
WORF: Sir, the beam is penetrating our shields.

How? Penetrating shields shouldn't be this easy. Then again, we're told that blocking telepathic transmissions are impossible.

PICARD: Computer, freeze programme. Computer, end programme.

Why would "end program" work when "freeze program" doesn't?

BATAI: Thank you. This sapling is planted as an affirmation of life in defiance of the drought and with expectations of long life. Whatever comes, we will keep it alive as a symbol of our survival.

I get the symbolism of this, and it makes a nice recurring tableau. Whether these people should be wasting water on this instead of their crops is another question...

BATAI: Eline should've put you in the hospital, but she insisted on caring for you herself.
PICARD: Eline?
BATAI: Your wife. If you don't remember that, maybe it's safer not to go home.

Always a funny line.

PICARD: Kataan. Not a Federation planet.

Various sources say that the Federation has about fifty planets during the TOS era and 150 planets during the TNG era. I'm not sure that even Kirk could memorize 50 planets. Maybe Picard keeps track of all planets around where he is for a particular mission, but this is still silly.

PICARD: Are there other planets in this star system? Do you visit other systems? All right.

Poor Eline, Kamin must be sounding like adults in Peanuts cartoons right now.

PICARD: Do you have a communication system here? How do you send messages to other communities, to other places?
ELINE: The usual way, by voice-transit conductor.

This sounds more like telephone than radio. How can these guys launch interplanetary probes again?

PICARD: And what do I do here in Ressik?
ELINE: You're the best iron weaver in the community. At least I think so.

What's an iron weaver? Does he braid wires into cables? Can these guys make wire so narrow that you can make cloth out of it? Why would you want to wear chainmail on a planet in the middle of a drought?

ELINE: You prefer playing the flute, of course.
PICARD: The flute?
ELINE: Yes.
(she fetches him a penny whistle decorated with a tassel)

Penny whistles, more formally known as tin whistles, were only able to be invented in the 19th century when reliable thin metal sheets became possible. They descend from older "fipple flutes", which are the ancestors of what we now call recorders. Technically a "flute" is played by blowing air across it rather than into it. Flutes will give you twice as many notes as a whistle.

PICARD: And when did I learn to play it?
ELINE: I'm afraid you never did, dear, but you keep trying.

Now that's a wife line. Hehe.

(as she leans forward he sees a pendant on a necklace - it is the same design as probe that the Enterprise encountered)
PICARD: Where did you get this?
ELINE: Kamin, this is the first gift you ever gave me.

So is this just an Easter Egg to remind us of what's really going on, or is this double-finned design a Kataan trademark and the pendant and probe both derive from the same source?

CRUSHER: Pulse and blood pressure are normal I'm getting hyperactive fibrogenic activity. This is odd.

Fibrogenic just means "making fibers". In medicine it usually refers to disorders of the liver or kidneys. I'm sure this is just medicalbabble in this context.

RIKER: Agreed. Stand down phasers, Mister Worf. In the meantime, take us out of range. Ensign. Thrusters only, one hundred kph nice and easy

100 kph? Workbees go 10.8 million kph! Quarter impulse is 67 million kph! Do the thrusters even have a gear for a speed that slow?

ELINE: Was your life there so much better than this? So much more gratifying, so much more fulfilling, that you cling to it with such stubbornness?

I get that Eline doesn't have the right context for this judgement, but this is still troublesome.

ELINE: It must have been extraordinary. But never in all of the stories you've told me have you mentioned anyone who loved you as I do.

There's a whole discussion about how deep into romance Picard has let himself get into, especially after Jack's death, but I'm not interested in writing that particular screed.

ADMINISTRATOR: There you are, Batai. Perhaps you can explain to me, when crops are dying all over, how this tree is flourishing?

Has this guy never come around in the last five years?

BATAI: You've been brooding behind that flute all evening.
PICARD: I'm not brooding. I'm immersed in my music.
BATAI: Music.
PICARD: I find that it helps me think, but the real surprise is I enjoy it so much.
BATAI: No, the real surprise is that you may actually be improving.

I'm reminded of SF Debris' lament that bit characters in the TNG era were never given the same opportunities as TOS bit characters to show personality. There are exceptions like the cast in this episode.

ELINE: Batai?
BATAI: Yes, ma'am.
ELINE: Go home.
BATAI: Yes, ma'am.

Hehe.

CRUSHER: Two cc's delactovine.

Only mention of delactovine. I would've liked a namedrop of cordrazine here.

MERIBOR: Analysing soil samples. There isn't any anaerobic bacteria. The soil is dead.

I learned the difference between aerobic and anaerobic years ago. Aerobic bacteria need air (like we do when we engage in "aerobics"), anaerobic bacteria don't.

As a matter of fact, "anaerobic exercise" does exist. They're motions that make your body break down glucose that's already in your body instead of using new oxygen like aerobics.

PICARD: Seize the time, Meribor. Live now. Make now always the most precious time. Now will never come again. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9OPb4vu-tQ)

Always a classic.

LAFORGE: We've charted the alien probe's radiation trail for over one light year.
RIKER: Any way to extrapolate am origin?
LAFORGE: Looks like a star system in the Silarian sector. Kataan.

Let's say that the distance traveled is three light years, if the Enterprise had to extrapolate. A thousand years means 2700 km/s, or a little slower than a workbee.

PICARD: You shouldn't be outside so long. It's damaging, you know that.
MERIBOR: I'm wearing plenty of your skin protector.

Picard knows how to make advanced sunscreen? Does Ressik have manufacturing capability?

ELINE: The rest of us have been gone for a thousand years. If you remember what we were, and how we lived, then we'll have found life again.

(Riker hands him a box and leaves. Inside it is a penny whistle with a tassel. Picard clutches it to his chest for a moment, then plays his Skye Boat song variation on it)

I already made a post of Inner Light covers (http://www.fiveminute.net/forums/showpost.php?p=80615&postcount=811), I don't need to repeat it.

Memory Alpha

* Originally Picard's experience would start before courting Eline. I agree that it would've taken valuable time away from more important things.
* "The Inner Light" (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Inner_Light_(song)) is the name of an obscure Beatles song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swT6YTPYwgM). It was an injoke by the screenwriter and Beatles fan Morgan Gendel. Upon hearing it I can understand why it's an obscure Beatles song.
* A sequel called "The Outer Light" was written but never filmed. It was eventually turned into a webcomic (https://web.archive.org/web/20160310122404/http://journeytotheinnerlight.com/outerlight/page1.php).
* I remember a Strange New Worlds story where Picard finds a wormhole that leads back to Kataan at a time right after they launch the probe in the first place. He's able to send a message back to the people telling them that their plan worked.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil is incredulous that this society could create a spaceworthy probe, much less memory-imprinting technology. The fans say that a society can be advanced in some areas but not others. Phil doesn't buy it. At best he thinks that the Kataanians deliberately created a pastoral, nostalgia-bait version of their culture for the probe.
* How do they know the planet is named Kataan?
* Picard's porch light would render his telescope unusable.
* This time Phil does the stardate conversion. "Time's Arrow" is five days after this episode, how did Picard recover so fast?
* Only twenty minutes have elapsed, and somehow Beverly was able to leave the bridge and change her hair. Oops.

[Nate the Great]

So I've read most of "The Outer Light" webcomic, and I have to say that I'm not impressed. I refrain from additional criticism, I'll just say that even the Internet Archive hasn't kept all of the pages of the comic, so you won't even get a complete story.

[Zeke]

Oh man, I could really have done without ever knowing that existed. A sequel with that name -- hell, a sequel at all -- is the kind of nonsense I would throw into a TJI.

[Nate the Great]

If you want a better sequel I recommend the Strange New Worlds story that I mentioned in the main post. It works a lot better. I don't own all of the volumes of SNW, but maybe later I'll check to see if I have that one.

[Nate the Great]

I looked through my collection of Strange New Worlds volumes, and I think I made a mistake. Picard doesn't send a message back in time to Kataan, he sends it back to the Progenitors from "The Chase".

[Nate the Great]

June 15th, 1992, "Time's Arrow Part One"

Fiver by Zeke (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=timesarrow1)

This episode wasn't discussed in the "Shoulda Been A Two Parter" thread, and it should've. The aliens should've had more development, and the only way they could've is if they ditched the Mark Twain subplot. Which would've been a shame, converting others to the Federation philosophy is always interesting given the different approaches used.

The Episode

SCIENTIST: Here, look inside the watch.
(an engraving - To S.L.C., with love. 30 November, 1889).

I don't know if this was a gift from his wife Olivia, but it's possible. Their anniversary is in February, so I don't know what November 30th could represent. Maybe it's from an old family friend, who knows.

PICARD: Triolic waves?
DATA: The by-product of an energy source employed by very few species because of its deleterious effect on living tissue.

You mean "humanoid lifeforms", right Data? Something tells me that Tholians or the Crystalline Entity or Gomtuu wouldn't be bothered by this stuff.

SCIENTIST: We've confirmed that no one has been in or out of this cavern in centuries.

How?

DATA: Interesting. There is a twelve percent decomposition of the bitanium in the neural pathway links.

Only mention of bitanium. One does wonder if this is completely natural and Data could replace it at intervals, or if this is a byproduct of being turned off for five hundred years and Data could avoid it.

PICARD: Could it be Lore?
DATA: No, sir. My brother's positronic brain has a type L phase discriminating amplifier. Mine is a type R.

Soong pretty clearly said that the only differences between Data and Lore were in their programming. Then again, Data said that his ears can't be removed and when they found Lore his ears weren't attached, but whatever...

DATA: There is no way anyone can prevent it, sir. At some future date, I will be transported back to nineteenth century Earth, where I will die. It has occurred. It will occur.

Why isn't anyone curious about where Data's body is? Surely they could've scanned the entire planet by now!

LAFORGE: Well, I can't tell you exactly who the aliens were, but I have found out a few things. The triolicised rock face tells us we're probably dealing with a species with microcentrum cell membranes. Triolic waves wouldn't harm them. It also might mean they're shape shifters of some kind.
RIKER: So they could have appeared on Earth as humans.

This seems like a bit of a leap. For that matter, why aren't they impersonating wild animals instead of using the plague as a cover?

LAFORGE: Data, this has got to bother you a little.
DATA: On the contrary. I find it rather comforting.
LAFORGE: Comforting?
DATA: I have often wondered about my own mortality as I have seen others around me age. Until now it has been theoretically possible that I would live an unlimited period of time. And although some might find this attractive, to me it only reinforces the fact that I am artificial.

I would argue that "comforting" is an emotion in this context, but moving on. I do like when Data's "emotions" run so counter to that of humans. He may want to emulate humans, but he's a culture of one, a culture that still trying to create a unique identity. And as the Vulcans say, infinite diversity in infinite combinations is a good thing. Surak himself was pleased to see that people are different.

LAFORGE: I never knew how tough this must be for you.
DATA: Tough? As in difficult?
LAFORGE: Knowing that you would outlive all your friends.
DATA: I expected to make new friends.
LAFORGE: True.

This does raise a valid point, what about Data's crewmates before the E-D? He never mentions them. For that matter, all we know of his life between the Academy and the E-D is his service on the Trieste.

GUINAN: That sounded like a very intense discussion.
LAFORGE: Yeah. They found Data's head a mile beneath San Francisco. Been down there about five centuries.

As SF Debris said, this is a bombshell that wasn't given the gravitas that it deserved.

TROI: Have you ever heard Data define friendship?
RIKER: No.
TROI: How did he put it? "As I experience certain sensory input patterns, my mental pathways become accustomed to them. The inputs eventually are anticipated and even missed when absent."
RIKER: So what's the point?
TROI: He's used to us, and we're used to him. It's like finding out someone you love has a terminal illness and--

I like this exchange.

DATA: I am perceiving an apparent change in the way others behave toward me. For example, people abruptly end conversations when I appear, just as you did when the turbolift doors opened. Is that an accurate observation?
RIKER: Not at all.
TROI: (same time) Yes.
RIKER: Yes.
TROI: You're right, Data. And it's not a very nice thing to do.

Why can't the later Trek shows have moments like this?

DATA: Sir, it is standard procedure that the second officer accompany the away team.

I don't like how vague this is. I don't think that any given combination of officers should be "standard procedure", it should be mission-specific.

This also butts against something that's irked me for decades. Why is Data called the operations officer when he acts like a science officer most of the time? Having a science officer in the standard away team seems much more logical than referring to a position in the chain of command.

Does Data just not look good in blue, or is the yellow uniform supposed to complement his makeup in making him look more alien?

DATA: Captain, there is no rational justification for this course.
PICARD: Then I'll be irrational.

Great moment. Whoever said the human race was logical?

DATA: I appreciate your concern, Captain, but, to employ an aphorism, one cannot cheat fate.
PICARD: Cheat fate? Perhaps we can't, Mister Data. But at least we can give it a try.

"It does not matter that we will never reach our ultimate goal. The effort yields its own rewards."

LAFORGE: Well, whatever or whoever is there, we're out of phase with it, but we're only talking by a fraction of a second.
WORF: A fraction of a second would make them invisible?
LAFORGE: A millisecond, a year, it wouldn't make any difference. If what we're reading is true, then we're occupying the same space but in a different time.

This is one bit of technobabble that never made sense. Usage of a hyperspace dimension would be more logical. If these guys normally exist in the higher dimensions they would be able to choose how they're perceived in the lower ones. Their form of shapeshifting would be more complicated than that of Changelings or salt vampires or Garth of Izar or whatever.

DATA: My voice will be transmitted on a delay correlated to the phase adjustment. That should allow me to maintain verbal contact.

Yeah, this is nonsense.

DATA: Another lifeform. An ophidian. It seems to be restricted by a forcefield.

Ophidia is the common ancestor of all modern snakes. I think the screenwriter just wanted to sound fancy.

(Data finds a discarded copy of the San Francisco Register, Sunday August 13, 1893, proclaiming a cholera outbreak)

SF Debris thinks that cholera was a late change from the original tuberculosis.

BEGGAR: I'll take a dime.

Why am I so obsessed with doing inflation calculations? Ten cents in 1893 is three bucks today.

DATA: Sir, I need temporary lodging.
BELLBOY: Looks like the missus booted you out in the middle of the night.
DATA: I understand the source of your misperception.

I get the common joke that these guys are running around in pajamas, I just don't find it particularly funny.

DATA: I am a Frenchman.

Why French? I get that the creators wouldn't want to resort to Yellow Peril-style prejudices, but there has to be another nationality that Data resembles more than French.

GAMBLER: Ah. Mes parents sont originaires de Bourgonais. Je suis ne a la New Orleans.
DATA: Alors, nous sommes presque frères. Je suis heureux de vous connaitre.

"Ah. My parents are from Bourgon. I was born in New Orleans."
"So we are almost brothers. I am happy to meet you."

Bourgon is in northwest France, nowhere near where Picard grew up.

GAMBLER: Family heirloom?
DATA: In a manner of speaking. It is a crystalline composite of silicon, beryllium, Carbon seventy, and
SEAMAN: Gold.
DATA: Gold.
GAMBLER: I'll give you three bucks for it.
DATA: I accept.

Carbon-70 is a fullerine, a spherical molecule similar to a buckyball (Carbon-60). C70 was discovered in 1985. If you put alkali metals in the holes of the larger rings you get a conductor, which I assume is the purpose of including it in a commbadge.

Three dollars in 1893 is a hundred bucks today. At today's gold prices that's two grams of gold. So yeah, Dukat here is totally ripping Data off.

[Nate the Great]

PICARD: I don't want anyone else going in alone.
LAFORGE: I can probably create a large enough subspace field to encompass everyone.

The idea of sending the entire senior staff is just ridiculous. First of all, why is Worf being considered, they know it goes to 19th century Earth. You can't just cover up his ridges with a hat like Spock did. Second of all, if the 1701 had a historian on staff to help in situations like this, I expect the E-D to as well. What has Whalen been up to, anyway?

WORF: If we find Commander Data, it may be our fate to die with him in the past. If our remains are in that cavern, they would have turned to dust long ago.

Bones will decompose in soil in a few decades, maybe a century. But in that cavern they'd last five hundred years easy.

GUINAN: It's a Tzartak aperitif. It's very, very touchy.

In a DS9 novel Tzartak apertifs were the most expensive drink sold at Quark's.

(Data picks up the anvil with one hand, then realises what he's done wrong and drops it)
DATA: Ow.

Saying Sound Effects Out Loud (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SayingSoundEffectsOutLoud) is always funny.

BELLBOY: What are you going to do with the anvil?
DATA: I require a low intensity magnetic field core. I believe the iron mass of the anvil will provide that.

And I believe that the odd shape of the anvil would result in an odd shape for the magnetic field. Stone knives and bearskins indeed...

CLEMENS: The eminent scientist Alfred Russell Wallace has revived the theory that Earth is at the centre of the stellar universe.

Wallace discovered the theory of natural selection/evolution independently of Darwin. He was one of the first scientists to worry about the environmental impact of human activity. He opposed eugenics, supported women's suffrage, and opposed militarism. His Wikipedia page indicates many opinions that indicate he would be an easy convert to the Federation gospel.

I don't find any references to Earth being the center of the universe, however.

CLEMENS: According to our best geologic estimate, the Earth is approximately one hundred million years of age. Perhaps it is less, perhaps more.

These days we think the Earth is four and a half billion years old.

GUINAN: But if the Earth is not alone, and there are millions of inhabited planets in the heavens.
CLEMENS: Quite my point. Man becomes a trivial creation, does he not? Lost in the vastness of the cosmic prairie, adrift on the deep ocean of time. A single one among countless others.
GUINAN: Someone may argue that a diamond is still a diamond, even if it is one amongst millions. It still shines as brightly.

There's a lot to break down here, however I won't do so.

DATA: The Enterprise.
GUINAN: Is that a clipper ship?
DATA: It is a starship.

In 1893 the USS Enterprise (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USS_Enterprise_(1874)) was a screw sloop being used as a training ship. "Screw" means steam-powered propellers, "sloop" means a sloop of war, a warship with only one level of large calibre guns.

CLEMENS: A starship? What registry would that be?

Shouldn't Clemens wonder what a "starship" is? The current Enterprise didn't have a registry.

GUINAN: Ah. Did my father send you here?

Guinan's father is mentioned in "Rascals" as still being alive.

DATA: I am from the twenty fourth century, where you and I serve aboard a starship.

Guinan may have an "official" civilian posting, but I'm not sure if that counts as "serving".

The Fiver

Captain's Log: The Enterprise has received an emergency summons to Earth. We're not overly concerned -- from here in orbit, Florida looks fine.

Grrrr, Enterprise, grrrr...

Picard: Your evidence that aliens were in California in the 1800s is all well and good, but why is it worth this specific ship's time? We're very important.

"We're supposed to be escorting ambassadors to a conference at this very moment!"

Yes, I'm sure there's a nebula somewhere that hasn't been scanned enough yet. So much for boldly going...

Picard: Mon Dieu! Data, is... is that....
Data: Fascinating. I am certain I did not leave my head in San Francisco.

"I Left My Heart in San Francisco" was written in 1953. The best known rendition is by Tony Bennett, but as a Millennial I best remember the reference from Joey on Friends.

Data: Do not be upset, Geordi. It is a relief to me to know that I am mortal.
Geordi: What, just because you don't want to outlive your friends? You'll always have Commander Riker -- he plans to live forever.

"Generations" reference aside, I think Riker's victory against the Borg has ensured his immortality already.

Riker: We can't let this happen! We have to find a way to keep Data's head and body together!
Troi: We could "accidentally" beam them into an enclosed space for a while, forcing them to work out their differences.
Riker: It's just crazy enough to work! And then more crazy, so no.

Groan.

Geordi: Anyway, the point is we can't see these aliens without a phase discriminator. And none of the ones on the ship are sensitive enough....

I think this joke was stretched a bit too far.

Data: I am afraid I possess no currency. My wallet was caught in a mechanical ricepicker.

City of the Edge of Forever references aside, the ricepicker story is hilarious and uncomfortable at the same time...

Picard: All right, I know we're all concerned about Commander Data....
Riker: We've got to get him back! He's worth fifty Dr. Crushers!

Where did that one come from?

Clemens: I have tried, Madam Goldberg, but such opponents tend to insist on getting a word in.
Data: Guinan! It is me. Your friend Data, whom you know.
Guinan: Huh?
Data: We serve on a starship together.
Guinan: Whoa. Uh, would you folks excuse me for a minute? This is my nephew, um, Rube... he tends to hit the sauce.

As much as I like Rube Goldberg, this joke was too much of a stretch.

Guinan: Starship, huh? Did my never-again-to-be-mentioned father send you?

Actually, he was mentioned back in "Rascals" as well...

Data: In my time, the opposite has been demonstrated. Even the Vulcan Science Directorate finally conceded the point when a disgruntled Starfleet captain arranged for their headquarters to be brought into the 653rd century for --

I can't find a reference to the 653rd century at Memory Alpha. What is this a reference to?

Memory Alpha

* Last TNG appearance of Marc Alaimo. Dukat appearances kept him busy after this.
* Data identifies the 1873 Colt 0.45 as being double action. It's only a single action, oops.
* Apparently Data used this definition of friendship in a conversation with Ishara back in "Legacy." I didn't remember that. Then again, I'm not fond of Ishara or that episode.

Nitpicker's Guide
* Captains not going on away teams is treated as official policy when in fact it's Riker who made up that "rule" specifically to keep Picard safe.
* Once again people board a turbolift and the thing starts moving without the new occupants giving a destination.
* Phil accepts the time offset creates invisibility thing, but thinks that Data should've just winked out instead of phasing out.

[NAHTMMM]

June 1st, 1992, "The Inner Light"

Fiver by me (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=theinnerlight)

I'm skipping the fiver coverage, given that I already made a dicer thread (http://www.fiveminute.net/forums/showthread.php?t=1407&page=2) on it. Here's a link to the actual fiver (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=theinnerlight), feel free to gush about it. My ego can never get enough stroking.
Picard: Yeah, right, as if they could be Windows-compatible!
Probe: Wanna bet?
Picard: Yeazzzzz.....
Haha, sucker.

Only mention of either of these, although a ship made out of "crystalline ceramic" appears in "How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth." I'm dubious as to whether you could make a spaceship out of ceramic materials.
Well, the space shuttles used ceramics to survive the heat of re-entry, right?

Various sources say that the Federation has about fifty planets during the TOS era and 150 planets during the TNG era. I'm not sure that even Kirk could memorize 50 planets.[quote]
People memorize 50 states and their capitals all the time? Also, 150 planets seems way low to me for TNG.

[QUOTE=Nate the Great;82837]
The Fiver

"I Left My Heart in San Francisco" was written in 1953. The best known rendition is by Tony Bennett, but as a Millennial I best remember the reference from Joey on Friends.
My best-remembered reference for it is The Far Side.

Picard: All right, I know we're all concerned about Commander Data....
Riker: We've got to get him back! He's worth fifty Dr. Crushers!

Where did that one come from?
I hope Spiner wasn't being paid fifty times as much as McFadden . . .

Riker: No sign of aliens so far, sir. We'll -- are you all right, Deanna?
Troi: I... I sense... humans!
Riker: (eyeroll) Yes, Deanna, there are humans. There's a Klingon and a part-Betazoid too.
Troi: I also sense hatred. Of you. By me.
Worf: Whoa! Even I sensed that.
Classic.

Geordi: Ahh, there are life signs here. They're just out of phase with us.
Riker: I guess you're the man for the job, then. Should I get Ensign Ro too?
Geordi: Different kind of phase. We're occupying the same space, just at different times.
Worf: Big deal. Oh, look! I'm standing where you were standing 20 seconds ago! I must be out of phase! Wooooo!
Riker: (pout) I wanted to get Ensign Ro.
Also a great bit.

[Nate the Great]

Maybe by "150 planets" they mean "150 subgovernments." One imagines that each of the four founders had many planets under their umbrella. We also know that Betazed has colonies, Rigel has many worlds, etc. Furthermore, you'd have to imagine that the Xindi count as one planet for the count.

[Nate the Great]

September 21st, 1992, "Time's Arrow Part Two"


SF Debris is right, they set up too much in Part One, there was no way they were going to be able to have a satisfactory resolution. Like I've said already, this really needed to be three parts. Part Two is the crew's antics in the past and reuniting with Data, Part Three with the Twain-in-the-future stuff and the resolution of the aliens, including either killing them or finding an alternate food source for them.



No fiver


The Episode

CLEMENS: I have long been interested in the notion of time travellers. In fact, I wrote a book about it. It chronicles the tale of a man of our era who fouled the sixth century by introducing newfangled gadgets and weapons all in the name of progress.



I can't remember if I've actually read A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, but I know the major plot points, and this summary doesn't really work. The guy wasn't introducing new technology in the name of progress, he was doing it to make life easier for himself. This is trying to make a square peg go through a round hole.


CLEMENS: I have learned that, even now, there are people from the future right here in San Francisco and I have no doubt that their intent is to foul our world just as my Yankee did in King Arthur's time. Well, sir, let me serve notice. As soon as I have the necessary evidence, I intend to expose them and make it absolutely clear that they are not welcome here.



This is where the plot compression really backfires. Twain has no proof of any of this, all he's done is observe people from the future doing things that he can't understand. That's all. If this was going to work we really needed more interactions between Twain and our heroes. Place this accusation at the end of the second part of the trilogy I mentioned earlier, then have the third part convince him that he's wrong.


RIKER: If you were a time traveller with a taste for human neural energy where would you get your supply?
CRUSHER: I would travel back to a time when there were plagues and epidemics, so I could murder and use disease as a cover.



This sounds reasonable, but personally I'd go back to the Middle Ages when you could get away with this a lot easier.



CARMICHAEL: One o'clock on a Thursday. I'm sure I made it clear to you that the rent is always due, payable in full, by one o'clock on Wednesdays.



This whole subplot is just stupid. I get the humor, but this stuff is stealing time away from more important things. Once again, this would be more welcome in a three-parter.


BELLBOY: You'll see my name in print, too.
CLEMENS: I'm sure I will.

BELLBOY: Don't forget. The name's London. Jack London.



Jack London wrote The Call of the Wild and White Fang. This is what's called an obscure reference. More fluff better suited for a three-parter.


PICARD: Replacing the burners. City ordinance. Makes it safer in case of earthquake.
DOCTOR: There hasn't been an earthquake here in thirty years.



The year is 1893. The doctor is probably referencing the 1868 Hayward Earthquake (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1868_Hayward_earthquake). The next major quake in San Francisco will be in 1906, even bigger than the 1868 one (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1906_San_Francisco_earthquake). I imagine that this one flew over everyone's heads. Sometimes writers can be a little too smug (and yes, I know I've been guilty of this).

(Worf enters)
CLEMENS: A werewolf!



I never thought that this gag worked very well. Only in the loosest possible sense could you say that Worf looks like a werewolf. I would think that Twain would use "demon" or "monster" before "werewolf."


LAFORGE: Let's have Data's body taken to the science lab. I'll try and re-attach the head we have.
CRUSHER: Geordi, that head is over five hundred years old.



I have to wonder if they fixed the bitanium in the neural pathway links at some point. I don't like the idea that Data would die five hundred years earlier because his head expired before his body.


CLEMENS: Madam, I'd be delighted. So, this is a space ship? You ever run into Halley's comet?



Twain's birth and death occurred in years that Halley's comet went by. Another obscure joke.


GUINAN: So we become friends?
PICARD: It goes far beyond friendship.



This is a little icky. I know that Picard means that they're practically family, but from Guinan's perspective it could easily imply that they'll be lovers at some point.


CLEMENS: Any place that doesn't stock a good cigar doesn't rank high in my book.
TROI: If you must have one, I'm sure we can replicate it for you.
CLEMENS: You think one of these imitations can take the place of a hand wrapped Havana?



If replicators can't quite get alcohol right, it's not hard to imagine that they can't get tobacco right either. Then again, smoking doesn't seem to exist in the future. When Quark encountered a smoker in "Little Green Men" he didn't react well. Picard once smoked a cigarette in the Dixon Hill program, but you have to imagine that it was a tasteless prop.



In a TOS-era eBook tobacco was still available from Orion merchants. Another novel says that the Capellans have a tobacco-like plant that can be turned into cigarettes that are't toxic or addictive.



CLEMENS: Young lady, I come from a time when men achieve power and wealth by standing on the backs of the poor, where prejudice and intolerance are commonplace and power is an end unto itself. And you're telling me that isn't how it is anymore?



There's a whole essay to be written here examining this statement, but I'm not in the mood.


CLEMENS: My watch.
LAFORGE: Yeah. It was found in the cavern where Data's head was. I guess after five hundred years, that's not likely to work either.



I enjoy watching watch restoration videos. Since Twain's watch has no battery that can degrade, it's possible that it could be restored. You'd have to take it apart and clean everything, but it's possible.


ALIEN: Why have you interfered with us?
PICARD: You hunt us. You kill us. We cannot allow that.
ALIEN: We need your energy.



Even if you argue that the Crystalline Entity isn't sentient enough for it's mass murder to be wrong (a lengthy argument), it doesn't work here. These guys know that their prey is sentient, therefore this is wrong.


RIKER: Power up the photons, Mister Worf. Alert me when they're ready.



They haven't modified the torpedoes yet. They should be ready in mere seconds. I hate this false tension.


PICARD: Thank you. I wish, I wish time would have allowed me to know you better.
CLEMENS: You'll just have to read my books. What I am is pretty much there.



A loaded statement.



Nitpicker's Guide

* What happened to the crew's uniforms that they left in the past? (Maybe they vaporized them)
* The crew knows where they're going, so why didn't they replicate period-accurate clothes and money before they left?
* Would Mrs. Carmichael really let men and women share a boarding house room?
* Even if Geordi wore sunglasses, how do they hide his VISOR inputs?
* Wouldn't Data have money on him to pay Mrs. Carmichael?
* Why would Twain's watch be on the table, but not his glasses or gun? Phil speculates that they should be on their way to a museum by now.
* Data's head can operate independently, so why didn't they try to activate it back in Part One and discover the metal file?

[Nate the Great]

September 28th, 1992, "Realm of Fear"


Expect plenty of Treknology nits with this one. You have been warned.


Fiver by Marc (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=realmoffear)


The Episode


RIKER: The last report we have says they were observing the streamer at medium range.



What counts as "medium range"? Are there specific "medium range sensors"?


PICARD: Can we tractor them out?
DATA: No, sir. Ionic interference is too heavy.



Tractor beams don't work, but transporters do? That's just ridiculous...


BARCLAY: Commander, if we bridged our transporter system with theirs we might be able to cut through the ionic field.
LAFORGE: That's a good idea, Barclay. Captain, I think we can do it. We're going to bridge the two transporter systems.



How? If there's too much interference for a transporter lock, there should be too much interference for an interlink between the computers.


LAFORGE: Aye sir. Barclay, I'm going to need a systems engineer on this Away Team.



I found myself asking what a systems engineer does. They handle the interactions between the computers and other stuff. I'm not sure why one is needed on this mission, the stuff in "Hero Worship" seems more fitting.


BARCLAY: I'll ask Ensign Dern to join you.



There are actually two Ensign Derns on board. This one is an engineer, in Genesis a different one will serve as a Conn officer and die of Barclay's Protomorphosis Syndrome.



O'BRIEN: I'll have to send you over one at a time, Commander, because of band width limitations, and the transport cycle will take a little longer.
RIKER: How much longer?
O'BRIEN: Four, five seconds. About twice the normal time.



The transporter cycle is always five seconds. I think someone messed up their fact-checking with this one.



O'BRIEN: I'm afraid you're in for a bumpy ride, Commander.
BARCLAY: What do you? What exactly do you mean by a bumpy ride?
O'BRIEN: There may be a small amount of static charge accumulation. You'll feel a bit of tingling. It's nothing to worry about.



I kinda thought the whole idea of the transporter beam is that you're exchanging a cylinder of air from the destination with one from the origin. The transporter beam isn't skin-tight. If the static charge is distributed within the matter stream, wouldn't that muck up the rematerialization of the person's atoms, stopping them from forming living cells at the destination?



TROI: Reg, you were faced with a difficult transport. Anyone would have been apprehensive in that situation.



Yeah, but properly trained officers would suck it up.



BARCLAY: Actually, this isn't the first time I've been apprehensive. Every single time that I tried to do it, I had a certain feeling. I guess you could call it mortal terror.
TROI: Why have you kept it a secret?
BARCLAY: Why? Because my career in Starfleet would be over, that's why.



You gotta hand it to Reg, he cares so much about his career that he's willing to try to get a grip on this. It would be easy to ask for a planet-based post, but he believes in the Enterprise's mission.


BARCLAY: The idea of being deconstructed, molecule by molecule. It's more than I can stand. Even when I was a child, I always had a dreadful fear that if ever I was dematerialised that I would never come back again whole. I know it sounds crazy, but
TROI: It's not crazy about it. You are being taken apart molecule by molecule.



Ah yes, justifying mortal terrors. Great counseling work, Deanna.



TROI: Well, you might first try a relaxation technique, like plexing.
BARCLAY: Plexing?



There's a lively discussion on social media about the effectiveness of plexing. Some say this was a deliberate placebo invented by Troi. I'm not sure that qualifies as medically ethical. At least both Troi and Barclay did the plexing maneuver in later episodes to keep continuity.



The specific location mentioned corresponds with a Chinese acupuncture point that is responsible for regulating and calming the spirit. If it is a placebo, at least it's an educated placebo. The year after the episode was made a new placebo technique was invented called Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) (http://https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_Freedom_Techniques) that is sort of the same thing as plexing.



As an interesting Trek parallel, someone on the TrekBBS (https://www.trekbbs.com/threads/plexing-does-it-work.288579/) says that if you do it repetitively it'll make you pass out. Real-life nerve pinch?


LAFORGE: There was an explosion. That much we do know.
RIKER: Any idea what caused it?
LAFORGE: I've ruled out a reactor core failure.


Well, duh. The ship is still here. Maybe Troi and Neelix are too stupid to grasp this concept, but I'd expect Geordi to know better.


O'BRIEN: I know how you feel about this, sir.
BARCLAY: You're afraid of transporting, too?
O'BRIEN: No. Arachnids. Sickening, crawly little things, don't you think? All those legs.
BARCLAY: Spiders? They've never bothered me.



Brannon Braga wrote both this episode and "Genesis", where Barclay turns into a spider. Coincidence?


LAFORGE: Mission logs, science logs, medical logs, they're all scrambled. Looks like the blast wiped out the ship's core memory.



You'd think they could build these things to avoid EMP-like side effects.


BARCLAY: There was phased matter all around. At first I thought it was some kind of energy discharge, but then it flew toward me and it touched my arm. How could something be in there? Molecules flying apart, half phased? I mean, it's impossible, isn't it?



Yes, it is impossible. This plot is stupid.

[Nate the Great]

LAFORGE: Reg, there's a lot of energy floating around in the beam. Maybe you saw a surge in the matter stream.
BARCLAY: Yeah.



What? The transporter doesn't open a localized wormhole that sends you to another pad, it rips you apart into your component molecules! You shouldn't experience anything other than blackness during transport because your eyes don't exist, your ears don't exist, etc.


O'BRIEN: I'll run a scan on the Heisenberg compensators.



What do the Heisenberg compensators have to do with anything? They make it possible for the transporter to lock onto individual atoms and manipulate them, they don't have anything to do with the experience of someone in the beam.


BARCLAY: Well, if I didn't know so much about these things, maybe they wouldn't scare me so much. I can still remember the day in Doctor Olafson's Transporter Theory class when he was talking about the body being converted into billions of kiloquads of data, zipping through subspace, and I realised there's no margin for error. One atom out of place and poof! You never come back. It's amazing people aren't lost all the time.



Billions of kiloquads=teraquads.

Oh, boy, do the Trek writers not give a darn about what prefix to attach to "quad" when describing amounts of data. For example, the Voyager crew only got 60 teraquads of data out of scanning the graviton ellipse, The Doctor accumulated 1000 teraquads of data about his hobbies when his actual program is only 50,000 teraquads. I could go on, but I won't.


LAFORGE: Reg, how many transporter accidents have there been in the last ten years? Two? Three? There are millions of people who transport safely every day without a problem.



Actually, the population of the Federation at this time is 985 billion. I refuse to believe that over 99% of Federation citizens live in places where they never need to transport. Throw in the other galactic powers and this statement becomes even more ridiculous.


BARCLAY: Water.
COMPUTER: Specify temperature.
BARCLAY: I don't care. Just give me water!


Wouldn't the replicator be preset to make beverages at room temperature if another temperature isn't given?


BARCLAY: All right, Computer, let's try some music. Something soothing.



Oh, sure, THIS one the computer can pick a random result for! Grumble, grumble...


O'BRIEN: Sir, begging your pardon, but couldn't this wait til the morning?
BARCLAY: No. Chief.


Given that there are multiple transporter rooms on board, wouldn't O'Brien have a staff that covers for him when he's sleeping? This isn't TOS where there's only one transporter room and all transporter use is known in advance.


PICARD: Commander La Forge, get Mister O'Brien. Take that transporter system apart piece by piece if you have to. Mister Worf, I want a level three security alert until further notice.



What does any of this have to do with ship's security?


LAFORGE: It looks like he pushed molecular dispersion past the integrity point. Your patterns got caught in the beam.
BARCLAY: The residual energy from the plasma streamer. It must've amplified the charge in the buffer enough to keep your patterns from degrading.



Oh, the lecture on misused Treknology that I could give...


The Fiver


Barclay: Not me. I'm not finished working on this computer console.
La Forge: What are you doing with it?
Barclay: Trying to locate the text of the Twenty-Third Psalm.



Though I walk through the valley of death I shall fear no evil? Not sure of the applicability of this one.


Troi: Reg, what made you run away like that?
Barclay: Transporter phobia. Actually, more like transporter freakoutia in my case.
Troi: You mean you've never used a transporter?
Barclay: Never. I prefer to travel by Starfleet shuttlecraft -- they're much safer.



Ha ha. Unless you're on the Rio Grande, your safety is never assured.


Barclay: Has a flying sock puppet ever bitten your arm in the transporter beam?
La Forge: No. Why do you ask?
Barclay: It was, um, just sort of a nervous hypothetical question.
La Forge: Reg, get a grip on yourself. Transporters are the safest way to travel.
Barclay: Tell that to what's left of Commander Sonak.



Sonak, along with Lori Ciana, died back in STTMP. What we got back didn't live long and all that...


Barclay: Computer, what are the symptoms of transporter psychosis?
Computer: Stuttering, social ineptitude, chronic jitters and hypochondria.
Barclay: I'm doomed.



Ha ha.


O'Brien: Meet my pet tarantula.
Barclay: She's kind of intimidating.
O'Brien: I thought so too until the day I tried to feed Data's cat.


Actually I think Spot would like O'Brien better than Geordi or Worf.


Memory Alpha


* This is the episode where O'Brien's pips are finally correct (one hollow pip). It was necessary for this episode for Barclay to outrank him.
* The only other usage of a first-person perspective of a transport is "Prototype."
* Barclay asks Geordi if he ever had an unusual transporter experience. Geordi doesn't mention being phase cloaked in "The Next Phase." Oops.
* Jeri Taylor doesn't understand why this episode isn't as popular. I do, it's a "people think a crewman is crazy" episode combined with a "someone seems like they're not Starfleet material" episode.



Nitpicker's Guide


* Crusher says that Lieutenant Kelley didn't die from his burns, but we never find out what did kill him.
* Why didn't Barclay ask one of the others to repeat his experience to see the "worms?"
* Phil is confused about O'Brien's new rank.

* Why didn't the medical monitor tell Crusher when Barclay collapsed and started glowing blue?
* How come Barclay can order O'Brien around when Troi has relieved him of duty?
* Barclay asks the computer for music, but he didn't ask for the lights to be lowered. Oops.

[NAHTMMM]

The 23rd Psalm is something people might recite to feel less fear and more calm. Personally I lean more toward "Guide me, O thou great Jehovah" but that's usually while in traffic.

[Nate the Great]

October 5th, 1992, "Man of the People"

No fiver

The Episode

MAYLOR: You think he's attracted to you, but he isn't. You offer him nothing.
...
MAYLOR: Don't pursue him. I won't have it. I'll stop you.

Just like I'm not a fan of times when a main character is thought to be crazy, I hate it when characters are so enigmatic when pursuing their objective that they deliberately sabotage their own efforts. Just say "if you pursue this guy he'll suck your life away!"

TROI: I would imagine that your self-discipline helps you in your work.
ALKAR: I don't know about that. I think maybe my biggest asset is patience. I let everybody else talk until they're exhausted, and when I start, they're too tired to argue.

This sounds good in theory, but absolutely awful in practice.

TROI: Curiosity. What I sense from you is very unusual. Calmness, serenity, tranquillity.

Those three qualities seem a bit redundant, but maybe she's talking in Betazoid and there are secondary meanings we're not getting.

ALKAR: Mother, I told you that I'd be gone for over an hour.
MAYLOR: You're late because of her. Have you mated with him yet?
TROI: What?

If Maylor wants to stop Alkar's violations, why is she perpetuating this "mother" deception? I'd be miffed at the use of "mate" instead of "sex", but I'll chalk this one up to Universal Translator weirdness.

RIKER: Hi. It's that time again. The dreaded crew evaluation reports.
TROI: Does it have to be today?
RIKER: It's not going to be any easier tomorrow.

First, either of them should be able to delay these things when an important mission is in progress. Second of all, it's stuff like this that makes the early season weirdness more prominent. You're not allowed to grieve, but you can complain about work? You're not allowed to have money, but you can gamble? You're not allowed to be racist against humans, but you're allowed to be racist against aliens?

TROI: I've just had a disturbing encounter with Alkar's mother. She frightens me, Will. The feelings I sense from her are malevolent. They're out of proportion. They're evil.

Evil? Where did that come from? And in any case, shouldn't Troi be able to detect when something is messing with someone's thoughts?

TROI: Computer today's appointment calendar.
COMPUTER: Oh nine hundred hours, counselling session with Ensign Janeway.

The year is 2369. None of Captain Janeway's relatives are the right age to be this Ensign. It might be a cousin, I suppose. Amazingly the expanded universe never connected them.

CRUSHER: We'll have to sedate her. Twenty cc's of melorazine.

Melorazine makes many appearances in the Expanded Universe. Even an Okudagram in Discovery. In Star Trek Online it will cleanse someone of mental debuffs.

OGAWA: Doctor Crusher? I think you should see these readings, Doctor. Her neurotransmitter levels are three hundred percent above normal.

Wouldn't it be easier to say "Her neurotransmitter levels are at four hundred percent?"

ALKAR: Hear me out, Captain. It's important you understand. You see, I discovered long ago I had the ability to channel my darker thoughts, my unwanted emotions, to others, leaving me unencumbered.

Even given the wonders of the Trek universe, this seems a little silly. Furthermore, I'm reminded of Santa's bottle of evil in 1986's Babes in Toyland.

ALKAR: Captain. do you know how many people have died on this planet in the last forty eight hours? Thousands. Deanna Troi is just one individual.
PICARD: That does not justify brutalising her, nor any of the others you have used.

As Picard has said elsewhere, "I refuse to let arithmetic decide questions like that." At the end of the day Alkar isn't responsible for casualties in this war as long as he's doing his best to bring peace.

ALKAR: Ask the Seronian and Rekag children who go to bed each night in fear of their lives. Captain, I get no payment, I have no power base, no agenda. I am willing to risk my life simply to help others.

No agenda? The quest for fame is an agenda. This guy has no right to put himself up there with Riva and Sarek.

RIKER: Wait a minute. You're talking about killing Deanna!
CRUSHER: I'll be able to resuscitate her, Will, as long as it's not more than thirty minutes.

How did Crusher arrive at that number? I'm really interested.

PICARD: I intend to make certain that you answer for what you have done.
ALKAR: Your own Federation Council has granted me safe and timely passage back to my planet. I expect you to honour that, Captain.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure the Federation Council will retract that promise when they hear what's going on. For that matter, diplomatic immunity may extend to laws broken while on alien planets on a mission, I don't think it extends to Starfleet vessels.

Memory Alpha

* The creators were definitely homaging "The Picture of Dorian Gray", but I don't think they knew what they were doing. Dorian was using a painting, an act that he thought had no repercussions. Alkar is using up the life of another person.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil wonders why Crusher can only "kill" Deanna for thirty minutes when people who have been in stasis for hundreds of years can be revived. This is one place where he really drops the ball. Deanna can't be put in full stasis as long as her brain is connected to Alkar. Thus Beverly has to keep Deanna's vital functions suppressed while still keeping her cells alive. A much more difficult task.

[Nate the Great]

October 12th, 1992, "Relics"

I'd like to recommend the novelization on this one. Some Trek novelizations are quite literal, others add subplots that really add to the story. The book adds a lot more for the crew to do while stuck in the Dyson Sphere as well as an expanded subplot for Ensign Kane, the guy who escorted Scotty to his quarters. It was actually Kane's idea to give the shuttle to Scotty.

Fiver by IJD GAF (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=relics)

The Episode

DATA: Captain, I have identified the signal. It is from the USS Jenolen, a Federation transport ship reported missing in this sector seventy five years ago.

The Jenolan was Sydney-class in-universe, but of course it was a STVI-era shuttle with other starship parts kitbashed on it. And the Amazing Thing That I Learned Today is that the circular crystal thing at the rear of TOS film-era ship saucer sections is the "impulse deflection crystal." Of course it's also at the top of the warp core, which was impossibly tall on the Constitution class refit (still call it the Enterprise class, FYI). Forum thread (https://www.trekbbs.com/threads/impulse-deflection-crystals-and-warp-core.283453/) that discusses it, including the revelation that the dome is only blue in the post-STTMP movies, it was red in STTMP. The STTMP novelization reveals that the crystal converted warp plasma into something suitable for the impulse engine. If you want to accept the STTMP novelization as canon, that is.

And that was your Meaningless Nate Rant for the day.

(the ship shakes)
PICARD: Report.
WORF: We have entered a massive gravitational field, Captain.
DATA: There are no stars or other stellar bodies listed on our navigational charts. However, sensors indicate the presence of an extremely strong gravitational source in this vicinity.

Okay, even if you postulate a scan-proof alloy for the Dyson Sphere hull (a dubious claim given the neutronium in the Planet Killers), the gravity source should still be detected. The diameter of the Dyson Sphere is a little smaller than the Earth's, we can presume it's at the optimal M-class radius for this particular star. Furthermore, astronomers TODAY have to keep track of how the gravitational effects of everything affects the path of everything else. Even if there aren't any planets in this system there would be asteroids and gravel orbiting around to indicate the existence of a star.

PICARD: Mister Data, could this be a Dyson Sphere?
DATA: The object does fit the general parameters of Dyson's theory.

Dyson proposed this in 1960, but Olaf Stapelton thought up a similar idea in a novel in 1937. Dyson never really proposed a solid shell, he was thinking of a swarm of energy-collecting satellites and space stations.

Of course the most well-known variant in fiction is David Niven's Ringworld. Have I mentioned yet that my father was a fan of hard scifi fiction, but I am not? I actually tried to read Ringworld once, but gave up quickly. Much like Asimov, Niven seems to like pontificating about how realistic the science in his fictional worlds are more than actually making us care about characters.

PICARD: It's a very old theory, Number One. I'm not surprised that you haven't heard of it.

And why has Picard heard of it? He's into archeology, and I don't think twentieth-century speculative science counts as that.

RIKER: Are you saying you think there are people living in there?
DATA: Possibly a great number of people, Commander. The interior surface area of a sphere this size is the equivalent of more than two hundred and fifty million class M planets.

Class M planets should have a wide range of possible surface areas, based on the geologic materials, distance to the sun, and luminous output of the sun, etc. Assuming the surface area of the Earth, 250,000,000 Earths is 5(10^16) mi^2, or a sphere with a radius of 63 million miles. So are they assuming a star much more radiant and massive than Sol?

(after a short while)
DATA: I have located the Jenolen, sir. It is impacted on the surface of the sphere.

And yet it rumpled the surface of the Sphere. As SF Debris would say, this is like a spork making a dent in concrete.

RIKER: This air's pretty stale.
LAFORGE: Life support is barely operating.

Once again, treating "life support" as "breathable air." Grrr. Furthermore, why is the air stale if nobody's been breathing it?

LAFORGE: That's not all. The phase inducers are connected to the emitter array. The override is completely gone and the pattern buffer's been locked into a continuous diagnostic cycle.

Okay, even if you tell the computer to keep scanning and maintaining the matter stream, I can't believe that a proverbial fuse wouldn't blow at some point. Scotty's still brilliant, of course.

LAFORGE: There's a pattern in the buffer still.
RIKER: It's completely intact. There's less than point zero zero three percent signal degradation.

Some say that this degradation accounts for Scotty missing a few memories. For example, knowing that Kirk died on the E-B. Or that the E-A was destroyed over Chal just before the E-B was commissioned (Shatnerverse).

SCOTT: You've changed the resonator array.

This is weird, because the E-D transporter room (and Sickbay, and Engineering...) were used for the latter TOS films. And as Geordi will say later, transporter tech hasn't changed that much.

Only mention of resonator arrays.

SCOTT: What have you done with the duotronic enhancers?
LAFORGE: Those were replaced with isolinear chips about forty years ago.

Duotronics is of course a reference to "The Ultimate Computer." It's mentioned here and there in the expanded universe. It's amazing that the expanded universe never elaborated on the introduction of isolinear technology.

LAFORGE: You were saying its big as life. You mean the Dyson Sphere?
SCOTT: Aye, an actual Dyson Sphere. Can you imagine the engineering skills needed to even design such a structure?

I'm an engineer, and I can't. At all. Forget designing the thing, how would you even build it? Did they start with a Dyson Swarm and then start connecting them with "tiles" that would form the skin of the Sphere?

LAFORGE: I think you're going to enjoy the twenty fourth century, Mister Scott. We've made some pretty incredible advances these last eighty years.

Really? Yeah, everything is more efficient, but like they'll explain later they just built on earlier principles. The biggest technological leaps of the Galaxy-class seem to be based on the holodeck and overall operational range. Not exactly a huge leap.

CRUSHER: Other than a couple of bumps and bruises, I'd say you feel fine for a man of a hundred and forty seven.
SCOTT: I don't feel a day over a hundred and twenty.

Scotty was born in 2222, the only other event in this year is the activation of Pralor Automated Unit 3947 ("Prototype").

PICARD: I must say, I was little surprised when Commander Riker told me that you were aboard the Jenolen. Our records didn't show you listed as a member of the crew.

There wasn't a record of passengers? Are you telling me that the computer has better records of civilian ships that left Earth post-WWIII than Federation ships seventy-five years ago?

SCOTT: Bigger? In my day, even an Admiral wouldn't have had such quarters on a starship.

Mr. Scott's Guide to the Enterprise lists floorplans for several sizes of quarters, sorted by rank. Ensigns barely get hotel rooms and Admirals get whole suites with separate offices and bedrooms. Scotty must mean the TOS days.

KANE: The holodecks, Ten Forward, and the gymnasium are all at your disposal. The computer can tell you how to find them. Until we issue you a combadge, just use one of these panels if you need anything.

And does Scotty know what "Ten Forward" is, Ensign? And wouldn't the Enterprise have several gyms?

SCOTT: You know, these quarters remind me of a hotel room on Argelius. Oh, now there is a planet. Everything a man wants right at his fingertips. Of course, on the first visit, I got into a wee bit of trouble.

"Wolf in the Fold" reference, of course. The planet has made several Okudagram references in recent series.

LAFORGE: I want you to shut down the warp engines and recalibrate the aft sensors while I work on the lateral array.

The lateral arrays are along the equator of the saucer section. They look like random circuitry.

SCOTT: I was a Starfleet engineer for fifty two years, Mister La Forge.

Assuming one continual block (a dubious claim), this is 2241-2293. This episode also establishes that he was born in 2222. To start at 19 indicates that he started out as an enlisted crewmember like O'Brien, then joined Starfleet later. He was in Starfleet for twenty years before TOS, and we know very little about any of it.

DATA: Sensor readings indicate the presence of a G-type star at the centre of the sphere.

Otherwise known as yellow dwarfs, Sol is another G-type.

PICARD: Mister Data, send out a series of class-four probes to survey the far side of the sphere.

Class 4 probes have many functions in Trek, almost as if the writers don't care to keep up to date. The TNG Tech Manual states that the Class 4 is basically an upgrade of the Class 3, faster and with a longer range and six ejectable subprobes.

[Nate the Great]

SCOTT: I remember a time when the old Enterprise was spiralling in toward Psi two thousand.
LAFORGE: Thank you.
SCOTT: The Captain wanted to try a cold start of the warp engines. I told him that without a proper phase lock it would take at least thirty minutes You canna change the laws of physics, I told him, but he wouldn't believe me, so I had to come up with a new engine start-up routine.

"The Naked Time", of course. There are a few novels that reference this thirty-minute requirement and Scotty's upgrade of the process.

LAFORGE: We recomposite the crystals while they're still inside the articulation frame.

Didn't Scotty do this in The Voyage Home? Many novels point to that as the start of the recrystallization tech used on the E-D.

SCOTT: How long will it really take?
LAFORGE: An hour.
SCOTT: You didn't tell him how long it would really take, did you?
LAFORGE: Of course I did.

The Search For Spock establishes that the average Scotty multiplication factor is four.

DATA: I believe I may be of some assistance. Captain Scott is unaware of the existence of synthehol.
SCOTT: Synthehol?
DATA: Yes, sir. It is an alcohol substitute now being served aboard starships. It simulates the appearance, taste and smell of alcohol, but the intoxicating affects can be easily dismissed.

Gene dictated that the Ferengi invented synthehol, yet it appears in Discovery before offical first contact was made with them.

DATA: No, sir. I am an android. Lieutenant Commander Data.
SCOTT: Synthetic Scotch, synthetic commanders.

Scotty isn't surprised, he ran into many androids in TOS. Memory Alpha lists four episodes in particular ("What Are Little Girls Made Of", "Requiem For Methuselah", "I, Mudd", "Return to Tomorrow.")

SCOTT: What is it?
DATA: It is (looks at bottle) It is (sniffs contents) It is green.

"By Any Other Name" reference aside, you'd think Data would be programmed to at least identify the major categories of booze (wine, ale, sake, beer, etc). Even if Guinan has every bottle memorized, wouldn't she still want these things properly labeled so waiters like Ben can ID them as needed?

Guinan appears in the novel and is much more supportive of Scotty. I hope he met Dax at one point, as well.

COMPUTER: Please enter programme.
SCOTT: The android at the bar said you could show me my old ship. Let me see it.

Oh, boy. Scotty and holodecks. The rec room in TAS immediately comes to mind. In any case I think Data should've accompanied Scotty to show him how to work it.

SCOTT: The Enterprise. Show me the Bridge of the Enterprise, you chattering piece of
COMPUTER: There have been five Federation ships with that name. Please specify by registry number.
SCOTT: NCC One Seven Oh One. No bloody A, B, C, or D.
COMPUTER: Programme complete. Enter when ready.

Like I've said elsewhere, the computer shouldn't have assumed "Federation ship." In any case Scotty should've provided a specific date, the TOS bridge had at least "The Cage", TOS, TAS, and film versions.

PICARD: Constitution class.
SCOTT: Aye. You're familiar with them?
PICARD: There's one in the Fleet museum, but then of course, this is your Enterprise.

The novel "Crossover" will establish the one in the fleet museum as the USS Yorktown, only with the TOS Bridge module that was removed in the refit. Scotty steals it and hooks his shuttle into it, creating an even more advanced version of the automation system that he invented in Search for Spock.

PICARD: The first ship I ever served aboard as Captain was called the Stargazer. It was an overworked, underpowered vessel, always on the verge of flying apart at the seams. In every measurable sense, my Enterprise is far superior. But there are times when I would give almost anything to command the Stargazer again.

I find it disappointing that Picard would resent the Stargazer not having tech from twenty years in the future. He's supposed to be an archeologist, and that seems like anti-scientist thinking.

SCOTT: When I was here, I could tell you the speed that we were traveling by the feel of the deckplates.

I hope he means at impulse speeds. Inertial dampeners should be able to stop such things at warp speed.

PICARD: Seventy five years is a long time. If you would care to study some technical schematics or
SCOTT: I'm not eighteen. I can't start out like a raw cadet.

The novels establish that he does in fact get up to date to work with the Corps of Engineers.

DATA: Commander, I believe I have found something on the sphere which could be a communications device. There's an antenna array approximately four hundred thousand kilometres south of our present position. It is emitting low intensity subspace signals.
RIKER: Can you open a channel?
DATA: No, sir, not from our present orbit. The array is currently directed away from us.

Does neutronium block subspace signals? That seems farfetched.

LAFORGE: If this ship were operational I bet she'd run circles around the Enterprise at impulse speeds.

I find this claim dubious.

PICARD: Very well. Mister Data, begin a scan of the interior surface for life forms. I want to know who brought us in here and why.
DATA: Aye, sir.

In the novel they meet the natives, sort of. It's a long story.

LAFORGE: The tank can't withstand that kind of pressure.
SCOTT: Where'd you get that idea?
LAFORGE: What do you mean, where did I get that idea? It's in the impulse engine specifications.
SCOTT: Regulation forty two slash fifteen, pressure variances on IRC tank storage?
LAFORGE: Yeah.
SCOTT: Forget it. I wrote it. A good engineer is always a wee bit conservative, at least on paper. Just bypass the secondary cut-off valve and boost the flow. It'll work.

Geordi has this kind of stuff memorized? And we're supposed to believe that genetic modification isn't being used? And seriously, where is the 47 cameo?

DATA: The interior surface area is over ten to the sixteenth square kilometres.

More like 13 times 10 to the sixteenth square kilometers. Do the math!

(outside the main sphere hatch, and looking at short range scan 0407.7)

Not just a 47 reference, but a MASH reference.

LAFORGE: You can't be serious. That hatch is huge. It'll crush this ship like an egg.
SCOTT: Geordi, the shields will hold. Don't worry about that. I can get a few extra gigawatts out of these babies.
LAFORGE: Scotty, it's crazy.
SCOTT: Geordi. I have spent my whole life trying to figure out crazy ways of doing things. I'm telling you, as one engineer to another, I can do this.

You have to admit, by TOS standards this engineering feat is rather pedestrian.

LAFORGE: I've lost helm control. La Forge to Enterprise. Captain, we're not going to be able to move this ship out of the way when you get here. You're going to have to destroy it in order to escape.

Given the size of the doors, I find that claim dubious. Now is not the time to stick to the rules of the road!

LAFORGE: So, this alien space baby, which was about the size of a four story building, really thought the Enterprise was its mother.
SCOTT: You're pulling an old man's leg.
LAFORGE: No, really. It was suckling power directly from the ship's fusion reactors, so Doctor Brahms and I changed the power frequency from twenty one centimetres to point oh two centimetres.
SCOTT: You soured the milk.
LAFORGE: That's right.

I'm trying to think of another TNG event that has TOS-worthy levels of engineering ludicrousness. "Booby Trap" is the first example I can think of.

SCOTT: You're giving me one of your shuttles?
PICARD: Well, call it an extended loan.

This is the Goddard (last seen in "The Next Phase"), although the novelization calls it the Christopher in honor of the guy from "Tomorrow is Yesterday." The novel Crossover reveals that he renamed it the Romaine after his love from "The Lights of Zetar". She eventually married Scotty's friend Morgan Bateson, ouch.

[Nate the Great]

The Fiver

Scotty: I've got a friend in there!
Riker: Was he a TOS regular?
Scotty: More like a redshirt.
Riker: Then he's history. Want some pie?

Hehe.

Scotty: You know Ensign, these quarters remind me of "Wolf in the Fold" and "Elaan of Troyius".
Kane: Sorry sir, I only follow Trek from TNG forward. I'll leave you alone to contemplate your utter uselessness in this century.
Scotty: In my day you would've been killed before being able to recite that many lines....

He's probably right. The way Kane acted he seems like a prime candidate for a Ceti eel or mugato attack.

Scotty: Computer, show me the Enterprise.
Computer: There have been countless capitalistic endeavors in history; please specify.
Scotty: THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE, NCC-1701. NO BLOODY--

As I've said before, there have been a LOT of ships with bridges in history.

Data: Now that we're orbiting the star, it's solar flaring.
Picard: If this isn't the sun, Sol, wouldn't it just be a Stellar Flare?
Data: Yes, but I find no flare to that particular Incubus song.

Actually there are a number of songs with that title, along with a My Little Pony character.

Picard: Are we screwed yet to the point that only Scotty can rescue us?
Data: Aye.
Picard: Excellent. Break out the Parcheesi.

Parcheesi?

Memory Alpha

* Dyson himself enjoyed the episode, even if he thought the science was ridiculous.
* It's weird for Troi to kiss Scotty goodbye since they never interacted, but there was a deleted scene where they did. Geordi sends her to counsel Scotty, but he doesn't like the idea of being treated like he's crazy.
* Actually, in "The Naked Time" it was Spock who came up with the new startup routine, but maybe Scotty helped offscreen.
* Only time Scotty is addressed as a Captain, even though he's been one since Search for Spock.

Nitpicker's Guide

* How does the transporter work through the Jenolan's shields? I would argue that it's the same principle as "Trials and Tribbleations"-the older tech has holes that the E-D can exploit.
* Does Guinan really let just anyone access her private stash?
* Wouldn't the Jenolan have taken an established warp route to Norphin IV? How come nobody found this thing before now?
* Aren't there any historians besides Picard on board that would want to talk to Scotty?

[Nate the Great]

October 19th, 1992, "Schisms"

Fiver by Kira (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=schisms)

The Episode

LAFORGE: We've been testing a way of channelling warp energy directly to the main deflector grid. It should enhance the long range sensors.

What do the long-range sensors have to do with the deflector grid?

DATA: The modification would increase our sensor efficiency and imaging resolution by twenty five percent or more.

I'll accept the first part, but the second part is just nonsense. If you want to overclock the sensors I would just pump more power into the sensor arrays and slave more computer power to coordinating the sensors of probes sent into the Armagosa Diaspora.

LAFORGE: We'd channel it through the EPS mains on deck four, near Cargo bay four.

I know that this is setting up later events, but I still don't get why you would route power up to Deck 4 only to send it down to Decks 10 and 11 where the lateral sensors are.

DATA: That poem was written in anapaestic tetrameter.

Anapestic tetrameter means four anapestic metrical feet per lines. One foot has two unstressed syllables followed by a stressed syllable. Two notable examples are "The Night Before Christmas" and a lot of Dr. Seuss.

da da DUM da da DUM da da DUM da da DUM

On the FIFteenth of MAY, in the JUNgle of NOOL,
In the HEAT of the DAY, in the COOL of the POOL.

DATA: Throughout the ages, from Keats to Jorkemo, poets have composed odes to individuals who have had a profound effect on their lives. In keeping with that tradition, I have written my next poem in honour of my cat. I call it Ode to Spot.

Original version (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SySZdvsFYt4), Doubleclicks version (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YWD51-Dhfk). Of course it also made a cameo in "A Fistful of Datas."

Felis catus is your taxonomic nomenclature.
An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.

Your meaningless bits of cat nomenclature trivia for the day:
Male-tom/tomcat if intact, gib if neutered
Female-queen if intact, molly if spayed
A group of cats is a clowder or glaring.

CRUSHER: Drink this before going to bed.
RIKER: What is it?
CRUSHER: A recipe for a warm milk toddy.

One recipe is like a vanilla milk with whiskey, another is milk with nutmeg, honey, and brandy. There's actually a blog post about what Aunt Adele's recipe would be (http://anotherbloodyfoodblog.blogspot.com/2013/04/aunt-adeles-hot-milk-toddy.html).

If you want nonalcoholic warm milk, most recipes focus on vanilla, honey, and nutmeg as the additives of choice. (https://nowcookthis.com/warm-vanilla-milk-bedtime-drink/)

Don't ask for my personal preference. I'm with Neelix and Chakotay, warm milk sounds disgusting. If I want a warm beverage to make me sleepy I'll stick with apple cider, thank you.

LAFORGE: If you want to touch people, don't concentrate so much on rhyme and metre. Think more about what you want to say instead of how you're saying it.

I can't say that I agree with Geordi on this one. Poetry has to have structure, or else it's not poetry. By all means, bend the mold to avoid monotony, but throw out the baby with the bathwater.

RIKER: Could we pick this up in the morning, Geordi? Get a fresh start? Would you do me a favour? Stop by my quarters, oh seven hundred hours. I'm having trouble waking up.
LAFORGE: Sure, Commander.

Surely there are other alarm options from the computer available. Or at least replicate a mechanical alarm clock!

LAFORGE: Just before the grid alarm sounded, we were running warp power through this junction.

I presume that there aren't any warp plasma conduits in the saucer, so how is "warp power" different from the power from the impulse engines?

DATA: You are correct. Ninety two minutes, seventeen seconds have passed since you left the room.
LAFORGE: What have you been doing all this time?
DATA: I have no memory of events during that period. When we are finished here, I will perform a self-diagnostic.

Unless there's some time dilation nonsense going on in here a la the Mannheim Effect, I don't see how Data's perception of time can be affected in this case.

TROI: Well, you all remember a table, so let's start with that. Computer show me a table.
COMPUTER: There are five thousand forty seven classifications of tables on file. Specify design parameters.
TROI: Can you be more specific about the table? You mentioned it was smooth and cold. Can you remember what shape it was?
KAMINER: Long. It was long.
LAFORGE: Yeah, and it had a rectangular shape.
TROI: Computer, show me a rectangular conference table.

SF Debris was more forgiving of the culling process than I am. I get it, we can only allow so much screentime to this scene, but that doesn't make it any less of a plothole.

PICARD: Raise shields. And I want a level four security alert. I need to know if anyone comes on or off this ship.

Shouldn't that be the default?

CRUSHER: It looks as though your arm has been severed and then reattached.
RIKER: What?
CRUSHER: The skeletal structure in your radius and ulna is offset by point zero two microns. Your arm has been amputated then surgically reattached.

Like Chuck said, this is like knowing you're on the wrong planet because a grain of sand is missing. 0.02 microns is a tenth the length of a bacterium.

The Fiver

Data: And now for my forty-seventh poem. There was a Lieutenant named Yar, who was killed by a big ball of tar; she once lost her head, and took Data to bed -- which was more than a little bizarre.
Crew: Groooaaan.

It could be argued that Yar wanting to feel love was one of the least bizarre things in "The Naked Now."

Mott: What will it be today, Lieutenant? Shampoo? Shave? Highlights?
Worf: That would bring out my cheekbones....
Mott: You know what you need? A manicure.
Worf: Now you've gone too far.

One "t" in "Mot."

La Forge: Time flies when you're having fun.
Data: It does seem that the passage of time is accelerated when boring coworkers are absent.

I don't think Data would think of Geordi as boring.

Worf: Say, this table looks familiar.
La Forge: Oh my God! We were abducted by aliens!
Riker: I thought that only happened in cornfields.

I hope this wasn't a "Broken Bow" reference.

Nitpicker's Guide

* The exact location of Cargo Bay 4 varies depending on if you believe the dialogue or the Okudagrams.
* The "CONN panel" looks a lot more like the "OPS panel." Phil speculates that the stations have been reconfigured like the Tech Manual says that they can.

[Nate the Great]

October 26th, 1992, "True Q"

No fiver (who has this one reserved?)

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 46192.3. We have arrived at Starbase one one two and are loading relief supplies destined for Tagra Four, an ecologically devastated planet in the Argolis Cluster.

I thought that the Argolis Cluster showed up more often than it did, but it turns out it was only in two TNG episodes and two DS9 episodes. Rene Echevarria wrote three of these. It makes a few appearances in the expanded universe.

AMANDA: Yes, sir. I still can't believe they chose me. There were lots of other people with better records.
CRUSHER: Your transcript is very impressive. She's done honours work in neurobiology, plasma dynamics, and eco-regeneration. I'd say that's pretty well rounded.

Makes you wonder how these fields are related or what "eco-regeneration" is.

RIKER: It'll take a few days before you know where everything is. If you need any help, you just use one of these comm. panels.
AMANDA: We're on deck seven, section four.

I have to wonder how anyone other than Data knows where everything is on a ship this big. Whatever happened to the wall arrows from "Encounter at Farpoint", anyway?

CRUSHER: See all these readouts? That's your heart rate, your blood pressure all your vital signs. You're in good shape. You might just live to be my age.

She's majored in neurobiology, I think she knows how to use a medical tricorder! Just skip to the next line!

AMANDA: So I should scan myself with each one to make sure all the readouts are working?
CRUSHER: Any unit that doesn't, put it aside and we'll do a diagnostic on it later.

They can't do this automatically? You can really tell that this is pre-USB, can't you?

AMANDA: It's amazing to think that they go to such lengths to clean the air instead of regulating the emissions that cause the problem.
LAFORGE: You're right. Actually, the only thing the filters can do is keep things from getting worse.

Did Trek really do an anti-pollution episode before the Malon showed up?

AMANDA: It's hard to imagine how much energy is being harnessed in there.
DATA: Imagination is not necessary. The scale is readily quantifiable. We are presently generating twelve point seven five billion gigawatts per-

And what does "12.75 billion gigawatts per whatever" mean in terms that a person can imagine? Today we can compare energy output to old-style lightbulbs, a dam, or a whole city. Furthermore, why not use 5 petawatt instead of 5 billion gigawatt? In any case, modern aircraft carriers are about a gigawatt. The TNG Tech Manual implies 5(10^18) W for the warp core at maximum output. So 12.75(10^12) W is a relatively low value for idling power.

Furthermore, you don't add a "per time unit" for power output. Power is already energy/time.

DATA: Temperature in the reaction chamber has increased by forty seven percent.

Sheesh, they're not even trying to hide the 47s at this point, are they? What the temperature inside the warp core would be is an interesting question that I could pontificate on for some time, but I won't.

(the chamber explodes, but Amanda holds out her hands and pushes the reaction back inside and seals it again)

Amanda doesn't have full access to Q knowledge yet, so I have to wonder how she knows about the construction specs of the warp core enough to rebuild the thing. And don't forget that she has to rebuild the core AND the dilithium chamber AND the confinement beam emitters AND force the matter and antimatter back into the injection systems. And probably deenergize the warp plasma all the way to the nacelles at the same time.

Q: Well, not exactly. They had assumed human form in order to visit Earth, I suppose for amusement. But in vulgar human fashion they proceeded to conceive a child. And then like mawkish humans, they became attached to it. What is it about those squirming little infants that you find so appealing?

In the Q Continuum books when Beverly finds out about Q Junior she asks about how he's different from Amanda Rogers. The implication is that Amanda's parents were fully locked in "human mode" when she was conceived, thus she was born locked into "human mode". Her powers slowly emerged, but she needed Q to unlock her into full Q mode here. Q and Lady Q didn't do that, their bodies were still in avatar mode when their energies united to create Q Junior. He was born as a real Q, looking as the Q really do. Q was nudging him into looking like a baby for Janeway's benefit.

Then again, one of the Strange New Worlds stories reveals how Dr. Selar had to act as a midwife to Lady Q, but that's a story for when I get to "The Q and the Grey."

TROI: What happened to Amanda's parents?
Q: They died in an accident.

It's not often that Q outright lies. One wonders why he didn't just say "it's a long story" and quickly moved on to the next topic.

Q: None of us knew whether she had inherited the capacities of the Q, but recently they've began to emerge, and as an expert in humanity, I was sent to investigate.
RIKER: You, an expert in humanity?
Q: Not a very challenging field of study, I grant you.

How is Q not an expert in humanity, at least by Q standards? "Death Wish" revealed that he was one of the only Q who still bothered to travel the universe among the locals.

Actually, this is another plot point that was explored in the Q Continuum novels. Q's antics were indirectly responsible for the asteroid that destroyed the dinosaurs, so the Q Continuum made him look after the lifeforms that would evolve on Earth. It's a long story.

PICARD: I want to know about her biological parents, about their death. I find it odd that any Q could die in an accident.
DATA: It is not consistent with what we know of them, sir.

No duh. It takes another Q-level species to kill a Q. There's the Calamarain, the M Continuum, 0, The One, (*), the Travelers, the Organians...

I do recommend the novel I, Q where we meet the M Continuum. Q's counterpart M is even more annoying than he is.

PICARD: Amanda, allow me to introduce, er, Q. He's er, he's an acquaintance of ours. We've er, we've known him for years.

An acquaintance? Gotta love Picard for refusing to lie even under these circumstances.

Q: Don't worry. With time you'll overcome the disadvantages you suffered as a child. No one will hold it against you for having been human. Let's go.
(Amanda sends Q flying across the room)
AMANDA: Leave me alone! I'm not going anywhere with you!

Q doesn't get his butt kicked nearly often enough. It's a shame that Guinan isn't in this episode, she would've loved this and been a useful mentor for Amanda. Then again, that would've stolen screentime away from Crusher.

AMANDA: He's so horrible.
CRUSHER: He is the only one who can help you to understand who you are.

I suddenly wonder if Quinn would've been an improvement in this scenario. Too bad he's still trapped in a comet.

[Nate the Great]

Q: Well. to put it simply, we're omnipotent. There's nothing, nothing we can't do.
AMANDA: And what do you do with this power?
Q: Anything we want.
AMANDA: Do you use it to help others?
Q: I think you've missed the point, my dear.

I don't think she has. What the Q actually does is one of the most conflicted issues in all of Trek. Sometimes they're totally indifferent to mortal species, sometimes they act like self-appointed judges and mentors to mortals, sometimes they like to play games with the mortals like Mr. Mxyzptlk, sometimes they're just another alien race that happens to be of a higher power level, etc.

Furthermore, it's infuriating how much they don't seem to care about any race other than humanity.

AMANDA: No, think about it. Really think. If suddenly you could make anything happen, what would it be?
CRUSHER: Well, I would probably want to heal people. People who are hopelessly ill.
AMANDA: Would you bring your husband back?
CRUSHER: Amanda, I don't know.

I prefer to think that there's a limited time window during which a Q can resurrect people. If Q can bring back anyone who died at any time at any location, that introduces philosophical and ethical questions that couldn't possibly be adequately explored in a single episode.

DATA: I have some information regarding Amanda Rogers' parents. Records indicate that they died in Topeka, Kansas. Their home was destroyed during a tornado.
PICARD: A tornado? Why wasn't it dissipated by the weather modification net?

if someone ever makes a fiver, I hope they insert a Wizard of Oz joke here. In any case, it staggers the mind to think of how much control you'd have to have over the atmosphere to prevent tornadoes and hurricans from happening. It's almost like the genetic enhancement debate, but for weather.

DATA: The bodies were found in the rubble after the storm had passed.

So did Amanda's parents voluntarily lock off their powers to the point that their bodies became fully human, or did the Q Continuum create simulated corpses to avoid further suspicion?

Q: You're attracted to him.
AMANDA: I am not.
Q: I think you are. How repulsive. How do you stand that hair all over his face?

This seems needlessly petty. I'm pretty sure that there are some Q Continuum members with facial hair. Furthermore, why is Q so biased against Riker? Is he still bitter about "Hide and Q"?

AMANDA: Do you love me?
RIKER: More than anything.
AMANDA: You're right. None of this is real. I thought it would be romantic, but it's empty.

It's nice how Amanda figured this out faster than Riker did in "Hide and Q".

PICARD: You would be so despicable?
Q: Don't be naive. You have no idea what it means to be Q. With unlimited power comes responsibility. Do you think it is reasonable for us to allow omnipotent beings to roam free through the universe?

You have to wonder why he can't lock Amanda into human form like her parents so she can't use her powers or be a threat. Later he'll say that she can choose to not use the power, but that didn't work very well with Riker.

PICARD: Yes. I recall how you used your superior morality when we first encountered you. You put us on trial for the crimes of humanity.
Q: The jury is still out on that, Picard, make no mistake.

I presume that they knew how the series had to end even this early.

PICARD: I would put human morality against the Q's any day. And perhaps that's the reason that we fascinate you so. Because our puny behaviour shows you a glimmer of the one thing that evades your omnipotence, a moral centre. And if so, I can think of no crueller irony than that you should destroy this young woman, whose only crime is that she's too human.
Q: Jean-Luc, sometimes I think the only reason I come here is to listen to these wonderful speeches of yours.

Time to link to the Picard Speech compilation (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jph2qWXJ-Tk) again.

AMANDA: I hope I can come back and see you.
CRUSHER: You're a Q. You can do anything you want.

Oh, the speech I could make on this point.

Memory Alpha

* Last appearance of Q in TNG where anyone other than Picard sees him.
* Amanda's precise status among the Q is explored and she is killed in the VOY novel "The Eternal Tide."

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil also wonders about the medical tricorder thing.
* He also thinks that the Q didn't care about humanity before "Encounter at Farpoint" and that this is in conflict with Amanda's parents settling on Earth. I see no conflict. Q made it clear that the Farpoint mission marks a point where humanity had spread too far into space without being ready. There's a difference between monitoring and interfering. They obviously knew about humanity, like they know about all other races.
* If there's an emergency on Tagra IV, how come it doesn't seem like the Enterprise is at warp at any point during the episode?
* How come Amanda never wears a commbadge? This is a valid point, since we've seen people with a far less official status have commbadges.

[NAHTMMM]

October 12th, 1992, "Relics"


Fun fiver, and you picked out the best lines already.

[Nate the Great]

November 2nd, 1992, "Rascals"

Fiver by Admiral Sab (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=rascals)

The Episode

GUINAN: You were on the most beautiful planet in the quadrant and you spent your entire shore leave in a cave?
PICARD: It was a very rewarding experience.

It seems odd that Guinan would A. not be aware of this side of Picard's personality and B. be so dismissive of other's hobbies. She's supposed to be the one who's the most accepting of the differences between people!

RO: Is that a Draebidium froctus?
(Keiko has a tray of plants on her lap)
KEIKO: Actually, it's a Draebidium calimus. You can tell by the shape of the leaves. I didn't know you were interested in plant biology.
RO: I took a class at the Academy. I Don't remember very much though.

I wish they'd done more with Ro's interests in non-tough guy hobbies. Kira was extremely "humanized" by constant displays of her faith, she was interested in springball, she even had knowledge of gardening.

O'BRIEN: I've got them. There's a forty percent drop in mass. I may have lost one of them.

If we say each adult is 160 pounds on average and a 12-year old is about 90 pounds, 4(160-90)=280 pounds. As SF Debris says, that's a bit much for one person unless he was making a crack about Keiko's weight.

PICARD JR: Thank you, Mister O'Brien. Another moment and--

Jr.? What are you thinking, Chakoteya? "Young Picard", "Child Picard", even "Alt Picard"!

GUINAN JR: You know, you make a pretty cute kid.
RO JR: Great. Just what I want to be. Cute.
GUINAN JR: Were you this much fun when you were a kid?
RO JR: I was in a refugee camp. Fun wasn't exactly in my vocabulary.

At least you weren't hiding from rape gangs like Yar did.

PICARD JR: All right. Let's talk. Are you here to relieve me of duty?
CRUSHER: I'd rather not have to take that step.
PICARD JR: I am still Jean-Luc Picard. My judgement, my experiences, my mental capacities are all intact.
CRUSHER: That's true, for now. But this could be the first stage of a condition that may begin to affect your mind as well.

So relieve him of duty when he's no longer capable of command. Which isn't now. This is one plot point that I never liked. Troi herself said that their minds haven't been altered. By all means, have Riker take charge of contacting the locals on Ligos Seven to avoid questions, but Picard is still fit for duty!

GUINAN JR: You're not supposed to do anything. That's what relieved of duty means.
RO JR: Well, I should be doing something instead of just standing around waiting for them to find a cure.

Like what, Ro? You can't do ANYTHING to speed up the search for a cure! To be honest, this would've been a great time for Young Keiko to ask for help with the arboretum!

It's not that I disapprove of Guinan teaching her how to play, but there had to have been a better way to go about this. Maybe with Ro teaching Guinan a lesson in return.

(She snuggles up to him and he gets up and walks away)
KEIKO JR: What's wrong?
O'BRIEN: It's. I don't know, but this feels wrong somehow.

This is a great example of why it was a good idea to have a married couple on board. Plus it really makes you feel for Miles' pain. It was a really good idea to make him a leading character on DS9.

KEIKO JR: So what is the point? Is our marriage over?
O'BRIEN: I didn't say that. But until they find a way to reverse this, this effect, it's going to be hard for me to ignore the fact that you're a little girl.
KEIKO JR: What if they can't find a way? What if I'm like this the rest of my life? What does that mean for us, for our family?

More time needed to be devoted to this. Unlike the senior staff and Picard, Molly isn't capable of handling this kind of thing. In her eyes her mother is gone. Of course we'll be returning to this when "Time's Orphan" comes around.

O'BRIEN: Keiko. It's going to be all right. I promise. We'll work this out.
KEIKO JR: How?
O'BRIEN: I don't know.

It occurs to me that they could move to a holodeck and Keiko could remote-control an adult version of herself for Molly's benefit. It still wouldn't help with their marriage, but it'd be a start.

PICARD JR:I suppose I'll just have to wait until I grow up again before I get another command. Which might be in ten, maybe fifteen years. The question is what to do until then?
TROI: You're still a Starfleet captain. I'm sure there are other assignments you could be given in the interim.
PICARD JR:: I've spent thirty years of my life aboard starships I'm not about to sit behind a desk now.

I'm offended at the notion that a Starfleet officer can't be happy with a planetbound assignment by default. Sulu put his career on hold for YEARS when Demora was young, teaching at the Academy in between the movies. His life was changed overnight (including delaying assuming command of the Excelsior), but he dealt with it.

Furthermore, a holographic avatar would work especially well if Picard taught at the Academy.

TROI: You could return to the Academy. Take another degree. Brush up on your Latin.
PICARD JR: And be Wesley Crusher's room mate? I will admit that returning to the Academy does have a certain appeal, but I've spent my life looking forward. Going to the Academy again feels like looking backward.

Doing the Command coursework again would be looking backward, but what's to stop you from being on the Science track this time? It stands to reason that Federation scientists would be more acceptable of his current status. Now he could dig around in caves to his heart's content!

In fact, it almost seems sacrilegious, but this is a premise that really could be a two-parter if more thought was put into it. Have Part One end with Crusher declaring that they can't be cured. Have Part Two resume a few months later. The four have started to come to terms with their new status, except something has come up that demands that they return to adulthood. Perhaps aggression from the Romulans.

PICARD JR: It would give me a chance to take up Doctor Langford's offer and accompany her to the ruins on Suvin Four. But to leave the Enterprise.

Why does Picard seem to think that he can't come back if he ever leaves the Enterprise?

LAFORGE: That's not tritanium anymore. Somehow the molecular structure of this alloy's been changed, broken down into its constituent elements.

And what would these constituent elements be? Don't tell me that tritanium is just a fancy iron/titanium alloy.

GUINAN JR: You were a jumper all right. The quiet ones, they always look so innocent. You think you can turn your back on them. Next thing you know, bam! They're bouncing on the bed.

Have I mentioned yet how good the actors they chose for the young versions are? Except for David Tristan Birkin clearly being too old for this, of course.

BERIK: They have locked out the command functions.
MORTA: You said they would not have time.

Even without considering Data, I think there was adequate time. Then again, TNG Ferengi are idiots.

LURIN: I am DaiMon Lurin and I declare this ship to be a loss and open to claim according to the Ferengi Salvage Code. You will cooperate with our salvage operations or we will begin executing your crew.

Yeah, this doesn't make sense. Salvage code seems like something that would be very specific within Federation space, and we would've been told if we're not inside the Federation.

RO JR: No fatalities or injuries among the children. The Ferengi have taken control of main Engineering and decks twenty three through thirty seven.

Main Engineering is on Deck 36 (yes, I have that memorized), so this seems redundant.

LURIN: The addition of your crew will greatly speed up the process. As for your ship, I'm sure that it will fetch a handsome price on the Romulan market. But before that can happen, we need to regain access to your central computer.

It occurs to me that Ferengi/Romulan relations wouldn't be very good. The reasons why are a screed by themselves that I won't bother with.

LURIN: Now, how many people on your ship?
RIKER: One thousand fourteen.

So, the standard 1,012, plus Ro and Molly?

[Nate the Great]

PICARD JR: Computer, display interior security grid.
COMPUTER: I'm sorry, but I can't do that. Would you like to play a game?
PICARD JR: No, I would not. Computer, display an internal schematic diagram.
COMPUTER: I'm sorry, but I can't do that. Would you like to see some interesting plants or animals?
GUINAN JR: It's a child's computer, remember? Computer, can you show me a picture of the inside of the Enterprise?
COMPUTER: Yes, I can. The Enterprise is a Galaxy-class starship. Do you know how to spell Enterprise? E N T E
PICARD JR: Delete audio.

In it's own way I'd imagine that this would be even more annoying than Q. Great scene.

ALEXANDER: I was just playing. I'm sorry, Captain.
PICARD JR: Alexander, would you mind if I borrowed your toy for a little while?
ALEXANDER: Go ahead.

When Alexander is more accepting of Picard's current state than the bridge crew, things are very wrong.

KEIKO JR: Have you figured out how to get to the Bridge?
PICARD JR:: I'm afraid I can only think of one way.

This is the main place where the obviously-too-old actor really hurts the premise. It would still be bad if the actor really did look twelve, anyway.

LURIN: We Ferengi do not bring our offspring along with us aboard ship.

Well, duh. Ferengi kids don't leave Ferenginar until they're adults. I can't help but feel that Nog is an exception.

RIKER: Okay, Morta. The Enterprise computer system is controlled by three primary main processing cores, cross-linked with a redundant melacortz ramistat. fourteen kiloquad interface modules. The core element is based on an FTL nanoprocessor with twenty five bilateral kelilactirals, with twenty of those being slaved into the primary heisenfram terminal. Now you do know what a bilateral kelilactiral is?
MORTA: Well, of course I do, human. I am not stupid.
RIKER: No, of course not. This is the isopalavial interface which controls the main firomactal drive unit. Don't touch that. You'll blow up the entire firomactal drive.
MORTA: What? Wait. What is a firomactal drive? Just explain it to me.
RIKER: That is the firomactal drive unit. It controls the ramistat core and also keeps the ontarian manifold at forty thousand KRGs.
(and with his other hand he puts sneaky commands into the computer)
RIKER: The firomactal drive is powered by--

How did Frakes memorize all this?

RO JR: It's my mother. The funny thing is, I never really drew a picture of her when I was young. It's just, for some reason I wanted to now.
GUINAN: That's the wonderful thing about crayons. They can take you to more places than a starship.

I'm amazed that Crayolas never released a Star Trek line of crayons with this quote on the front.

The Fiver

Picard Jr.: Hullo.
O'Brien: Ooops.

I can't help but feel that this is another case of missing-first-lines syndrome that's so prevalent on the site.

Picard Jr.: I know I look like a Chibi, but give me a chance. I am Picard. See, I even tug at my uniform too.
Data: Good enough for me.

He he.

Of course Chibi Picard exists. Here's fanart of just him (https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fi.ebayimg.com%2Fimages %2Fg%2FhaAAAOSwzIxitb17%2Fs-l500.jpg&tbnid=vrZCxWQUqVcwMM&vet=12ahUKEwj1j9vh_-j9AhXlM0QIHbz9Af8QMygBegUIARCyAQ..i&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.ebay.com%2Fitm%2F40373 6051848&docid=Nvdw6dBBqTg-ZM&w=500&h=500&q=star%20trek%20picard%20chibi&client=firefox-b-1-d&ved=2ahUKEwj1j9vh_-j9AhXlM0QIHbz9Af8QMygBegUIARCyAQ), and here's one of the whole TNG crew (https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fi.pinimg.com%2Forigina ls%2F7d%2F30%2F41%2F7d3041f400ab54b1180269d85be921 af.jpg&tbnid=_fUrW65u07WqdM&vet=12ahUKEwj1j9vh_-j9AhXlM0QIHbz9Af8QMygPegUIARDVAQ..i&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.pinterest.com%2Fpin%2F 198369558559745944%2F&docid=WT6P_IHiBoNQoM&w=1200&h=514&q=star%20trek%20picard%20chibi&client=firefox-b-1-d&ved=2ahUKEwj1j9vh_-j9AhXlM0QIHbz9Af8QMygPegUIARDVAQ).

Picard Jr.: I want to be taken seriously, Counselor.
Troi: I understand, so do I.

Sick burn.

Ro Jr.: Ho hum, I hate being small.
Guinan Jr.: I haven't been a child in centuries. Let's jump on the bed.
Ro Jr.: Mkay! YAY! I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys-R-Us kid....

I miss those commercials, and I didn't even go to Toys-R-Us very often.

DaiMon Lurin: HA! We have your ship! Now we will beam the adults aboard down to Legoland and make you build our Lego Fortress!

At the time of the episode the only Legoland was in Denmark, where LEGO was invented. At the time of the fiver in 2004, only three-Denmark, California, and Germany. Now there are 11 with 5 more in planning.

Picard Jr.: Computer, show me the security schematics of the Enterprise.
School Computer: Now why would you want to see that? How about a nice picture of the ship instead? Can you spell "ship"?
Ro Jr.: I think the computer's just turned into a shipper, sir.
Picard Jr.: Oh, great. As if I don't already have enough of those to deal with.

Ouch, that pun just hurts.

Picard Jr.: I've got computer control! All right, troops, let's retake our ship!
Enterprise Kids: Chaaaaaaarge!
Picard Jr.: Mr Worf is never going to live this down....

Odo won't let him!

Memory Alpha

* Having Ro remain a child was considered. In retrospect this doesn't seem like a bad idea since Forbes wanted to move on.
* Only appearance of main Molly actress Hana Hatae on TNG. The O'Briens moved to DS9 after this episode.
* The Ferengi actors had also appeared as different Ferengi in previous episodes. What a shock.

Nitpicker's Guide

* The young and old Picard actors have differently colored eyes. Putting aside the plausibility of colored contact lenses, I daresay this wasn't considered a big deal in the era of VHS. Don't forget that the TNG videotapes were quite expensive and usually only available by mail order back then!
* Picard's artificial heart is a BIG problem. Unless you're going to tell me that deaging the heart also healed the wound from the Naussican attack. Even then, having a big chunk of metal and plastic stuck in your chest would be a big problem. Frankly his heart should've been replaced by now.
* The Ferengi use Romulan weapons. I don't think this is a nit. Having Klingons using Romulan weapons would be a continuity error!
* Molly is only a year old, and yet she can talk like someone much older than that. Then again, early DS9 will seem to indicate that she's three. This is a darned if you do, darned if you don't, situation.

[Nate the Great]

November 9th, 1992, "A Fistful of Datas"

Time to have some fun...

Fiver by Derek (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=afistfulofdatas)

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 46271.5. The Enterprise has entered orbit of Deinonychus Seven, but our scheduled rendezvous with the supply ship Biko has been delayed for another forty eight hours. In the meantime, many members of the crew are taking advantage of the delay to pursue their own projects, myself included.

There wasn't a nearby planet you could explore for two days?

LAFORGE: Captain we'd like your permission to take the Engineering computer offline for a couple of hours. We're working on a new interface that would allow Data to act as an emergency backup in the event of a ship-wide systems failure.

All three of the computer cores is redundant with the others, that's the point. Isolating the stardrive section core shouldn't affect anything unless there was severe battle damage.

As for Data being a backup, I'm okay with this as long as they're not implying that Data can replace an entire core.

WORF: I was hoping to take advantage of the Biko's delay by staging shipwide security drills. I have planned a tentative schedule.
PICARD: Oh yes, this is very impressive, Mister Worf. But we'll be taking on new personnel at Starbase one eighteen in a few weeks. Surely the drills can wait until then.

I get that Worf is looking for a reason not to hang out with Alexander, but he could've picked a better excuse.

WORF: Where are we?
ALEXANDER: Deadwood. Nineteenth century Earth. The Ancient West.

Deadwood is in South Dakota. It was a gold rush town and there are still many casinos there. Wild Bill Hickok was killed there. I've probably traveled through it at least once. This episode is mentioned on its Wikipedia page (I can't remember the last type I typed Wikipedia instead of The Other Wiki like we do on TV Tropes).

DATA: Geordi, I have noticed that you have not shaved. Are you attempting to grow another beard?
LAFORGE: As a matter of fact, I am, Data. What do you think?

This time he was growing the beard for his wedding. I find it amusing that Avery Brooks had to fight so long to grow a beard but Burton did it casually a few times.

(a woman in a state of extreme undress whistles at Worf from a balcony)
WORF: You wrote this holodeck programme yourself?
ALEXANDER: Well, Mister Barclay helped a little.
WORF: I must have a little talk with Mister Barclay.

I put this one on the Funny Moments page on TV Tropes years ago. As I said all those years ago, "You can only imagine the results of that little chat!"

(the Mexican laughs)
ELI: Shut up. You laugh so much, it's a wonder you ain't got flies in your mouth.
BANDITO: You're a very funny man, Senor Eli.

Did anyone else ever get Three Amigos vibes from this guy?

(Eli's hat it blown off by a gunshot from the doorway)
TROI: I suggest you find a new line of work.
ALEXANDER: I asked Counsellor Troi to join us. She loves Western stories.
...
TROI: My father used to read me stories from the Ancient West when I was a little girl. I must admit, I always wanted to play the part of the mysterious stranger.

From what we've seen of Ian Troi, this one doesn't make much sense. Couldn't this have been a story about Troi's paternal grandparents?

I must admit to not being terribly fond of westerns, although my father loved them, especially the John Wayne ones.

CRUSHER: Okay, let's work through Act two from the beginning. Whenever you're ready.
(Riker mimes entering through a door, then reads from his PADD)
RIKER: Felis catus, is your taxonomic nomenclature. An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
CRUSHER: Hold it. Will, what are you reading?
RIKER: The lines. Why?
CRUSHER: That's not the right dialogue.
(She takes his PADD)
CRUSHER: Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses contribute to
RIKER: I recognise it. This is Data's poetry.
CRUSHER: What? The play's gone. I just keep getting more poetry.

Have I posted the Doubleclick's version of Ode to Spot (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YWD51-Dhfk) yet?

DATA: Feline supplement one hundred twenty seven. Spot, I have formulated a new mixture of foods specifically designed for your highly selective tastes.

It's always hilarous to think that Data spends his free time trying to come up with the best cat food recipe. It's only a shock that he's only up to Formula 127. Well, that and the surprising lack of a 47 reference.

ANNIE: Nope. What'll you have?
WORF: Klingon fire wine.

Surprisingly this is the only appearance of Klingon fire wine. Even the novels missed this one. I wonder why he didn't ask for Chech'tluth, it would've been a great reference.

DATA: When the interface malfunction occurred, subroutine C forty seven was replaced by elements from my personal programming.
RIKER: What does C forty seven control?
LAFORGE: Library computer access, replicator selection, recreational programming. No critical systems.

Maybe they were saving the 47 joke for here.

ANNIE: You would not believe what I went through to get old man Newsom to give up his telegraph machine.
(Worf looks the morse code transmitter over)
WORF: Excellent.

If Worf can make anything out of this stuff, then maybe Starfleet Engineers really CAN turn rocks into replicators!

ALEXANDER: Father? After what happened I guess you'll never want to go back to the Ancient West.
WORF: The town of Deadwood may face danger once again. If they do, they will need a Sheriff and a deputy.
(Worf goes into the main room, puts on his stetson and tries a quick draw in front of the mirror. He smiles, and the Enterprise flies off into the sunset)

Even Memory Alpha doesn't admit that this is a blatant reference to Back to the Future III.

The Fiver

Captain's Log: We're not doing much of anything right now, and I think we all know what that means.

Time to play TNG Bingo?

Bandit: There are many, many wanted posters of you, Eli.
Eli: Would you say there are a plethora of wanted posters?
Bandit: Sí, you have a plethora.
Worf: Do you even know what a plethora is?
Alexander: Sigh. Why don't we try this again without quoting The Three Amigos?

Not a chance, Mr. Woof!

Eli: That doesn't really strike a chord with me.
Worf: Oh, ha ha, that's about as funny as a screen door on a battleship.
Troi: It's submarine, Worf. Screen door on a submarine.
Worf: D'oh!

Why "D'oh!" instead of continuing the Back to the Future joke?

Worf: You realize you're just feeding the 'shippers by being here with me.
Troi: What 'shippers? We won't have 'shippers until next season.

That's a loaded question and a minefield that I don't care to enter.

Riker: (reading from PADD) There was a Lieutenant named Yar, who was killed --

This is a reference to the Schisms fiver. Amazingly the Trek Today is higher on the Google results than this site's.

Data/Frank: Howdy, Sheriff. Wondering where your deputy is?
Worf: Not really. I figured he was going to pull a Parent Trap and leave Troi and me trapped on the Holodeck.

It's too early for that to work. For that matter, this scene didn't really appear in Parent Trap, it was the climax of Parent Trap II.

Have any of you even seen Parent Trap II?

Troi: You got shot!
Worf: Despite your Western attire, you still manage to state the obvious.
Troi: But it's a holographic gun, it shouldn't hurt you.
Worf: It's not the spectre of the gun that hurts me as much as the spectre of the bullet.

Ha ha.

Data: We reckon that these here ship problems are from our attempt at doing something useful.
Riker: Then maybe we should shut down all the affected systems until they're repaired.
La Forge: Ahem. This is a holodeck episode.
Riker: Oh, right. Never mind.

Is this a better place for a Starfleet regulations gag or a contract gag?

Data/Frank: We should do a classic shoot-out like they have in most Westerns.
Worf: I agree. What time? High noon?
Data/Frank: Noon? I do my killing after dinner. 7 o'clock!
Worf: 6 o'clock. I do my killing before dinner.
Data/Frank: (confused) Don't you guys normally bargain for a later shoot-out time?

Exactly. Why do a Back to the Future III gag if you're not going to do it right?

Worf: No, I thought we could settle this like men.
Data/Frank: You thought wrong, dude.
Worf: Then I thought we could settle this with technobabble.

"No, have mercy!"

Memory Alpha

* A subplot where Alexander was trying to get Worf and Troi was removed. Thank goodness, I NEVER liked that pairing. And there's so much more of it in the episodes to come...
* First appearance of the Ressikan flute since "The Inner Light." This might have been a setup for "Lessons" later.
* Even though Deadwood is in South Dakota, the map in Worf's office is of Arizona. Oops.
* Supposedly there hadn't been a holodeck malfunction episode in three seasons.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Eli hears Troi call her character Durango, but doesn't tell this to Frank. Oops.
* Amazingly the sheet music Picard looks at is actually of the music that he's playing!
* Phil thinks that a conflict exists between this episode and "Disaster" about Data interfacing with the computer. I don't. In "Disaster" he was interfacing with a specific computer to work around the damage preventing traditional input. In this episode he's actually connecting to a majority of the computer core.
* Why didn't Worf use his communicator to ask for help?
* Somehow Worf's accuracy with a revolver in this episode is way better than when he used a phaser in "Rascals."

[Nate the Great]

November 16th, 1992, "The Quality of Life"

I just realized that the title is a pun. Did that really take thirty years?

In retrospect I'm irked that they never got the Universal Translator on the case. It can talk to a CLOUD, but not a robot?

Fiver by Marc (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=thequalityoflife)

The Episode

CRUSHER: Seven card stud, one-eyed jacks are wild.

The one-eyed jacks are Hearts and Spades.

RIKER: Frankly, Geordi, I like the beard.
LAFORGE: Thank you, Commander.

I don't think that Geordi ever looked good in a beard. He has too much of a babyface for them to look good.

CRUSHER: You know, I have always been a little suspicious of men with beards.
WORF: Why is that?
CRUSHER: I don't know. It's as if they're trying to hide something.

Like what? I don't understand this at all. At the very least, it depends on the beard. While you could argue that someone with a full Santa beard could be hiding something, a well-trimmed goatee is another story.

LAFORGE: Some of the most distinguished men in history have worn beards, Doctor.

Some of the most distinquished men in history HAD to wear beards because shaving tech wasn't very advanced. It was hardly a fashion statement.

CRUSHER: I know. But after the razor was invented I think beards became mostly a fashion statement.

And? So? I loathe when people make observations as though they were actual arguments.

WORF: I'm not concerned with fashion. To a Klingon, a beard is a symbol of courage.
RIKER: I think it's a sign of strength.
CRUSHER: Sure, and of course, women can't grow beards.

So all men wear beards to show dominance over women because they can't? Talk about a generalization so broad that it ceases to be a valid argument!

LAFORGE: Doctor, it sounds to me like you feel beards are nothing more than an affectation.
CRUSHER: I do. But there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, women wear makeup and nail polish. I just think it's time you men admitted it.

And if they did, what then? What are you trying to accomplish? This whole thing smacks of something that's become all too common in the modern age: improving your own self-esteem by tearing down someone else's. Which isn't a healthy thing, not to mention being completely antithetical to the Roddenberry ideal. So people in the future can have sexual relationships of every shape and composition, but don't you dare show individuality via haircuts or makeup! Hypocritical much, Doctor?

LAFORGE: Wait a minute, wait a minute. What if you lose? What are you going to give up?
CRUSHER: I'm open for suggestions.
RIKER: Well, I've always wanted to see you as a brunette.
CRUSHER: Oh, I did that once when I was thirteen. I couldn't change back fast enough.

Why brunette? If you wanted a natural hair color for McFadden that would look bad, I would go for full bleached blonde before brunette.

Captain's log, stardate 46307.2. We have just come into orbit of Tyrus Seven A to monitor progress on the Tyran particle fountain, a radically new mining technology.

As I understand it, the idea is to use a special kind of tractor beam to bring up rocks from the surface. I must admit to being dubious about tractor beams staying so uniform acting through a planet's atmosphere. And you would need this beam to stay within very tight parameters to keep lifting rocks for that long.

LAFORGE: Doctor Farallon. The original design called for the particle fountain to lift five hundred kilograms per minute from the surface. So far we haven't come close to that.
FARALLON: (an alien lady) Well, that's why I want to increase the stream density. That should boost the lift capacity by seventy two percent.
LAFORGE: Yeah, but you realise of course you're going to be overloading the field generators in the process.
FARALLON: Not if we distribute the overload evenly throughout the system.

There are times when I despise the gimmick of "just add more power and it'll be fine!" The system was designed for X, you can't make it 1.5X without breaking things.

For that matter, what does it matter how fast the particle stream is going, as long as it works? Aren't we still at the point where we want to perfect the technology without worrying about quotas?

LAFORGE: Stand by. I'm sorry, Doctor, I think we're going to have to shut it down.
FARALLON: It took four months to get the particle flux up to this level. If we shut down, it'll take another four months just to get it back.

So? People's safety is more important than ore! Furthermore, you are here to perfect the tech, not worry about quotas!

FARALLON: Then we'll just have to fix the power grid.
LAFORGE: Yeah, bow do we do that? The defective grid is two hundred metres down conduit A two. We have to disassemble four bulkheads just to get to it.

Well, that's an obvious design flaw. On the Enterprise EVERYTHING is easily accessible!

LAFORGE: Boridium power converter.

Boridium has several uses around Trek. You can make knives out of it, the Romulans use it as a power source, etc. Supposedly it is Element 121, something we've yet to discover. Memory Beta speculates that subspace science could create such superheavy elements.

DATA: You have incorporated a micro-replication system into the device in order to fashion tools.

I actually don't have a problem with this. No doubt tools would require a simpler base material and simpler replicator patterns.

FARALLON: I think I can complete the project and boost the efficiency of the particle stream if I use exocomps, the new devices I've constructed.

So why didn't you do this before the Enterprise arrived? Were you waiting for official permission and the emergency rushed your timetable?

FARALLON: Sometimes an exocomp starts forming large numbers of new pathways totally at random. Eventually, it reaches a point where it shuts down. Just like this one.
DATA: Doctor, the new pathways do not appear to be interfering with the original circuitry.
FARALLON: Once the exocomp is this badly corrupted, it's useless. You have to erase the unit and start all over again, and there's no time for that now.

I have trouble with this concept. Surely by the 24th century every device will make a detailed log of why it does ANYTHING. Go back in the records and look! Furthermore, it seems that Farallon is the only one tinkering with these things, surely she's been writing a manual on how these things work as she goes!

[Nate the Great]

CRUSHER: Well, the broadest scientific definition might be that life is what enables plants and animals to consume food, derive energy from it, grow, adapt themselves to their surroundings and reproduce.

I'm still a little curious about this whole thing where bacteria are clearly alive but we're still iffy on viruses.

A big problem is the inclusion of "plants and animals". Data is alive. The Crystalline Entity is alive. Q is alive, and I'm not sure you can put him in the category of "animal."

Dave Barry once said that life is anything that dies when you step on it.

One broader definition that I like is that life is something that decreases local entropy. Base nutrients are rebuilt into something much more complex. The randomness of a pile of food is much greater than the cells and simpler molecules that a lifeform turns it into.

DATA: What about fire?
CRUSHER: Fire?
DATA: Yes. It consumes fuel to produce energy, it grows, it creates offspring. By your definition, is it alive?
CRUSHER: Fire is a chemical reaction. You could use the same argument for growing crystals, but obviously we don't consider them alive.

Fire does not create offspring because offspring are by default simpler versions of the parents with the built-in potential to become as complex as their parents. A life-form is not ONE chemical reaction, it's millions of them that are kept in order by genetic code.

Likewise there is no "code" to crystal formation, just a series of molecules that can link with each other uniformly relatively easily because of their molecular geometry.

DATA: And what about me? I do not grow. I do not reproduce. I am considered to be alive.

Plenty of lifeforms are sterile and yet are still alive. And Data is missing the point about growing. He's growing in mental capacity all the time, it's just his body that's static.

CRUSHER: Data, if I may ask. Have a seat. What exactly are you getting at?
DATA: I am curious as to what transpired between the moment when I was nothing more than an assemblage of parts in Doctor Soong's laboratory, and the next moment, when I became alive. What was it that endowed me with life?

A jolly good question. One could argue that it's his capacity to grow that makes him alive.

FARALLON: I created the exocomps to be tools. And there is a big difference between Data and a tool.
DATA: Doctor, there is a big difference between you and a virus, but both are alive.

Exactly.

CRUSHER: If they are intelligent life forms, we have no right to force them to work for us.
FARALLON: That's like me telling you not to use your tricorder.
CRUSHER: Tricorders aren't alive.
FARALLON: Neither are exocomps.

Ugh. Assuming failure of a hypothesis before it is tested predisposes you to conclude failure. You demand extraordinary proof. On the other hand, if you assume a hypothesis is true and try to prove falseness you will find conclusive evidence much easier.

DATA: I see no other possible explanation.
CRUSHER: The exocomp didn't fail the test, it saw right through it.

Good job, exocomp!

WORF: Can we send a shuttlecraft to evacuate them?
FARALLON: We'd never get there in time.

I find this dubious. It would make sense to have one shuttlecraft equipped to latch onto a hull, create a pressurized seal, and cut through the hull for evacuation. Who cares about the hole in the hull when the entire station is about to be destroyed?

DATA: Then let me offer an alternative. Transport me to the station, I will attempt a complete manual shut down of the particle stream.
RIKER: The radiation levels are too high, even for you. Your positronic net would ionise in no time. I can't let you sacrifice yourself.

Come to think of it, why haven't they created a customizable exosuit for Data by now? He could easily reprogram his motor controls to interface with an exosuit's arms and increase his mobillity in extreme environments.

The Fiver

Captain's Log: We have arrived at Tyrus VIIA to evaluate an experimental particle fountain being developed to extract minerals from a planetary surface and lift them into orbit. Since the minerals are then to be sold to buyers on the surface and shipped back down on freighters, Starfleet has expressed some skepticism about the economic rationale for this project.

He he.

Farallon: No! We can repair it using this exocomp. It's a radical new kind of miniature maintenance robot that I've been working on.
La Forge: Doctor, you've already got your hands full with the particle fountain. You shouldn't be developing another type of experimental technology at the same time -- no matter how adorable this robot looks.
Farallon: I'm just covering all my bases. If the exocomps don't prove suitable for engineering applications, I figure I can always market them as really nifty children's toys.

The fiver was written in 2004. What toy crazes were around back then that we could've made a joke out of?

Data: Doctor, what is the meaning of life?
Crusher: Well, some people claim that we're just simply spiraling coils of replicating DNA, while others....

This is a reference to Monty Python's Meaning of Life. You haven't lived until you've heard Eric Idle sing this line in a terrible French accent (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAwDWZoETk4)...

Data: Allow me to rephrase my question. Suppose you were to call a replicator an overgrown toaster and that, as a result, it never forgave you....

Obvious Voyager joke is obvious...

La Forge: If the exocomp leaves the tube in the next sixty seconds, we'll know for sure that Number Five is alive.

This is a Short Circuit Reference. I only know the movie from the Nostalgia Critic review.

Transporter Chief Kelso: Sir, I hate to interrupt your score-keeping, but could someone please give me the order to energize?

This episode was Kelso's only appearance. I wonder if they felt it was worthwhile to introduce a new transporter chief so soon after O'Brien left...

Farallon: I'd like to apologize for my earlier obtuseness. I now accept that the exocomps are alive and sentient.
Data: Thank you. Since you can no longer sell them as toys, and since the particle fountain has proved to be a failure, what will you now do with your career?
Farallon: I've decided to found an institute that will help the exocomps grow and learn. I think I'll call it, "Professor Xaviera Farallon's School for Gifted Machines."
Picard: Catchy name.
(The exocomps continue their evolution at Perspicacious Speed)

Xaviera? I was shocked to find out that this is a real name.

(The exocomps continue their evolution at Perspicacious Speed)

Perspicacious means having insight into things that aren't obvious. Did Marc use a synonym generator?

Memory Alpha

* Frakes wondered why the poker scene never had a payoff. I have to agree.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Way back in "Home Soil" Crusher gave a quite thorough definition of life. It seems she forgot it. Must've been a conk on the head while at Starfleet Medical...
* Usually exocomps dematerialize their tools when it's no longer needed, yet when it was important to leave the tool it did. Oops.
* 22 minutes isn't enough time to get a shuttle over there? Really?
* Phil declares that Data has proven that the exocomps are alive, but not that they're sentient. I think Phil's been doing pushups under a parked car again, as sentience was pretty obvious to me!
* Crusher says that growing crystals aren't alive, yet they met some back in "Home Soil". Oops.

[Nate the Great]

December 14th, 1992, "Chain of Command Part 1"

No fiver

The Episode

PICARD: Can I get you some coffee? Tea?
NECHAYEV: Thank you, no, Captain. I'm afraid there's no time for the usual pleasantries.

Really? Picard's team will train for days before this mission and you can't wait ten minutes? I wish they'd written Nechayev better.

NECHAYEV: The Cardassian forces which were recently withdrawn from the Bajoran sector, have been redeployed along the Federation border. They have mobilised three divisions of ground troops and their subspace communications have been increased by fifty percent. We believe that they're preparing for an incursion into Federation space.

Ugh. DS9 is about to start and they're already shooting holes in its premise? Furthermore I kinda thought that the DMZ was deliberately designed to be wider than either Neutral Zone so that any "incursion" would be signalled well in advance.

For that matter, of what use are "ground troops" if the Cardassians want to invade? Do they really think that they can spend days crossing the DMZ, drop off a few hundred troops on Bajoran worlds, and then expect them to hold said worlds for weeks until reinforcements arrive?

RIKER: Are the Cardassians ready for a war?
NECHAYEV: I didn't say war, Commander, I said incursion. Our intelligence reports suggests that they'll try to seize one of the disputed systems along the border. We think they're gambling that the Federation won't actually go to war over one system.

Yeah, that's a stupid idea. Under no circumstances can the Federation let itself lose territory without consequences. It would just be inviting the Romulans, the Breen, the Tholians, etc. to make further incursions. Nibbling away at Federation territory one system at a time can't be allowed to happen.

RIKER: Admiral, with all due respect, it's not necessary to give Captain Jellico command of the Enterprise just to conduct a negotiation.
NECHAYEV: I disagree. The Enterprise will be in a dangerous situation and I want someone on the Bridge who has a great deal of experience with the Cardassians. No offence, Commander, but that's not you.

So assign him as a negotiator, you don't need to give him command. Duh.

RIKER: Welcome aboard, sir. I'm Commander
JELLICO: William T. Riker. Class of fifty seven, graduated eighth in his class.

In 2357 Riker was 22. At least someone did the math.

JELLICO: It caught me by surprise too. I must admit, I miss the Cairo already. But a Galaxy class ship, that's something special. I can understand why you turned down a ship of your own to remain aboard.

Yeah, that's not why Riker is staying. Talk about superficial.

JELLICO: How many duty watches does the crew stand?
RIKER: We've a standard three shift rotation.
JELLICO: I'd like to change that to four starting tonight. I'd also like to examine the duty roster and the crew evaluations as soon as possible. I want readiness reports from each department head by fourteen hundred hours, and a meeting of the senior staff at fifteen hundred. Do you prefer Will or William?

Ugh, I hate this cliched tripe. Changing everything as soon as you arrive in order to make the viewer not like you is lazy writing.

JELLICO: Where are my quarters, Will?
RIKER: We have you assigned to cabin seven thirty five. Deck si
JELLICO: Deck seven. I'll see you at thirteen hundred hours.

Picard's quarters are on Deck 9, the rest of the senior staff stays on Deck 8. I suddenly wonder if Picard's quarters are at the front of the ship just above Ten Forward, to have the best view.

RIKER: There is no delta shift yet, sir. I have spoken to the department heads about changing from three shifts to four, and they assure me it's going to cause us significant personnel problems.
JELLICO: So you have not changed the watch rotation.

Yeah, Riker dropped the ball on this one. For something this minor you do it, then complain later.

JELLICO: I want you to install a bypass between the main phaser array and the secondary generators. I also want to run the main deflector pathway through the warp power grid and the auxiliary conduits through the lateral relays. You may have to reconfigure the transfer interface.

This stuff hasn't been done yet? After Wolf 359 you'd think modifying the ship to allow full engine power through the shields or the phasers would be Priority One.

JELLICO: I'm aware of your current design system. It's not good enough. If these negotiations fail, we could find ourselves in a war zone and if that happens I want to be loaded for bear.

I sorta thought that the Enterprise was already the best-armed ship in the fleet. Jellico should be trying to think of how to stop a war before it happens, not how to win it after it happens.

JELLICO: Good. Now these stations should be devoted to damage control and weapons status from now on. See that they're manned at all times.

Presumably he's talking about the two Science stations. That's not what they're for! Come to think of it, how come they don't use the Battle Bridge when they know a battle is coming?

JELLICO: Oh, and get that fish out of the ready room.

Ugh. As if you needed another reason to hate this guy. Who could hate Livingston?

JELLICO: Power transfer levels need to be upgraded by twenty percent. The efficiency of your warp coils is also unsatisfactory.
LAFORGE: Coil efficiency is well within specifications, Captain.
JELLICO: I'm not interested in the specs, Geordi. The efficiency needs to be raised by at least fifteen percent.

If that was possible they'd be doing it! Come to think of it, why wasn't the warp core replaced with a higher power model during the post-Wolf 359 refit?

TROI: I wouldn't call it resistance. More like uncertainty. Most of them had served under Captain Picard for several years. They knew him, they knew what he expected. Now they're being asked to adjust to a new captain and a new way of doing things, and they're uncertain how to react.

You react like trained Starfleet officers! Duh! There should be a whole Academy course about adapting to different command styles! Has the entire crew really gotten that complacent under Picard? And didn't Captain Maxwell claim that they were the best crew YEARS ago?

LAFORGE: Commander, he's asked me to completely reroute half the power systems on the ship, change every duty roster, realign the warp coils in two days, and now he's transferred a third of my department to Security.

It's that last part that's insane. By all means transfer a third of the Science department to Security for the duration, but you don't move the engineers who will be fixing the ship after it gets damaged in the predicted war.

JELLICO: Jean-Luc, let's be candid for a moment. The Cardassians aren't going to listen to reason, and the Federation isn't going to give in to their demands. And the chances are you won't be coming back from this mission of yours. I want this ship ready for action and I don't have time to give Will Riker or anyone else a chance.

Then you're an idiot. We'll be returning to this later.

[Nate the Great]

WORF: I am not familiar with metagenics.
CRUSHER: They're genetically engineered viruses that are designed to destroy entire ecosystems. When metagenic toxins are released into a planet's atmosphere, they immediately begin to mutate. They seek out and destroy all forms of DNA they encounter. In a few days, everything is dead.
PICARD: In a month, the metagenic agent itself breaks down and dissipates completely, leaving every city, every road, every piece of equipment perfectly intact.

How is that supposed to work? Can you really tell a cell to replicate itself X times and then die? It would be more reasonable to make them susceptible to a toxin that doesn't hurt anything else, letting you kill them at your leasure.

PICARD: Starfleet Intelligence believes that the Cardassians are developing a new delivery system, one that would protect them from accidental exposure to the toxin. They believe that the Cardassians are testing a way of launching dormant metagenic material on a subspace carrier wave.

You mean "activate dormant metagenic material via a specific subspace carrier wave." Ugh.

CRUSHER: You know, I heard that Solok was quite a man.
SOLOK: Why, yes, he is an extraordinary man.
CRUSHER: That's why we came here, because only Solok could help us. I guess there's some things even Solok can't do. It's too bad. (stroking Solok's lob) Because if he could, I would be very, very
SOLOK: Yes?
CRUSHER: Grateful.
SOLOK: (quivering with excitement) When do you want to leave?

Ick. And ick again.

JELLICO: Lemec is a Cardassian, and Cardassians are like timber wolves, predators, bold in large numbers cautious by themselves, and with an instinctive need to establish a dominant position in any social gathering.
TROI: So you're trying to establish a dominant position by making him wait for you. The trouble with wolves is that sometimes the fight for dominance, one of them ends up dead.
JELLICO: In that case, the trick is to be the wolf that's still standing at the end.

Ugh. Do Romulans, Klingons, Ferengi, Breen, Tholians, Sheliak, or ANY OTHER species we've seen not use the strategy of "establish a dominant position as early as possible?"

WORF: You're not afraid of heights, are you, Doctor?
CRUSHER: Of course not.

"It's not like I broke a few bones falling down a hole on Minos or anything!"

LEMEC: I have here come to negotiate a Federation withdrawal from the border, not to be dictated to by some mere captain.

I thought you were here to arrange a ceasefire, or perhaps ask for a redo on the treaty. If you've already declared that you won't accept anything less than being allowed to take what you want without punishment, I see no point in further negotiations. Not that I'm ripping from current headlines or anything...

WORF: A phaser set to level sixteen should suffice.

A standard kill setting is level ten.

LEMEC: May I present my aides, Glin Corak and Glin Tajor.

"Glin" is Cardassian for "Commander." It seldom came up on DS9.

JELLICO: Welcome aboard. For the past three weeks you've been massing troops in staging areas, assembling strike forces, and pulling ships from their normal patrols. We will not stand for this clearly provocative behaviour.
LEMEC: I see the Federation spy network has again provided you with faulty information. We are conducting routine training operations, nothing more.

Ugh. I expect all spacefaring races to know how to read a map and not cross borders when they don't mean to.

LEMEC: Your fleet deployments do not concern us. However, we are very concerned about your refusal to vacate those territories along the border which are clearly Cardassian.
JELLICO: You gave up your claims on those territories when you signed the armistice.

Exactly. Trying to claim them now is broadcasting to the known galaxy the message "Cardassians don't honor their own agreements, so don't even try making any in the future."

PICARD: So you concocted an elaborate ruse to bring me here. Why?
MADRED: In this room, you do not ask questions. I ask them, you answer. If I'm not satisfied with those answers, you will die.

We're supposed to understand, even respect Madred? Good luck with that.

Memory Alpha

* Had this episode aired after DS9 started, Quark would've been there instead of Solok.
* First appearance of Nechayev. Really? It's a lousy way to introduce her.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Many nits about the rappelling scene, I won't repeat them.
* According to the Tech Manual, Level 16 is the maximum a phaser can do. This means that the walls of the hole would be too hot to touch.
* Phil prefers Troi in the uniform, she exudes professionalism in it.
* Jellico says to transform the Science stations, yet Riker uses one as a science station and it still says "Science I" at the top.

[Nate the Great]

December 14th, 1992, "Chain of Command Part Two"

No fiver

The Episode

MADRED: How many others were part of this mission?
PICARD: Two.
MADRED: Name and rank?
PICARD: Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher. Lieutenant Worf.

Madred asked for rank, not position. Beverly worked hard for the rank of Commander, don't forget it!

PICARD: I demand to see a neutral representative as required by the Federation-Cardassian peace treaty.
(Madred removes the blindfold and the guards leave)
MADRED: We have already sent a message to Tohvun Three, the nearest neutral planet. They assure us they will dispatch someone immediately.

Yeah, that's a great way to start, with a lie. Now when Picard gets back to the Federation he can tell them to never bargain with Cardassians because they can't be trusted to obey the treaty.

MADRED:I understand that you are a student of archaeology. Did you know that Cardassia boasts some of the most ancient and splendid ruins in the entire galaxy?
PICARD: I know that the burial vaults of the First Hebitian civilisation are said to be magnificent.

The Hebetians play a much larger part in the novel "A Stitch in Time", the "autobiography" of Garak. His adoptive father was a collector of Hebetian artifacts. After a period of climate change the survivors became Cardassians. To this day a few Cardassians meet in secret to conduct Hebetian rituals. Their enemy is the True Way (only mentioned in "Our Man Bashir" and "Crossfire").

PICARD: Torture is expressly forbidden by the terms of the Seldonis Four convention governing treatment of prisoners of war.

Only mention of the Seldonis Four convention, I have to wonder why it never came up in "Tribunal."

MADRED: Are you in good health? Do you have any physical ailments I should know about?

Would it matter? "Oh yeah, I'm a diabetic. Do you have any insulin around, because if you don't the slightest torture would kill me." "Oh, of course, we'll call the whole thing off!" Yeah, right.

MADRED: Yes, I'm sure you have. (he turns on four spotlights behind his desk) How many lights do you see there?
PICARD: I see four lights.
MADRED: No, there are five. Are you quite sure?

I HATE this plot point. Hate hate hate. I don't care if it's a plausible form of torture, it's just sick.

RIKER: Under the terms of the Selonis Convention, Captain Picard must
LEMEC: The Selonis Convention applies to prisoners of war, which means you would have to acknowledge that he was captured during a mission authorised by the Federation. Are you willing to make such an admission?
JELLICO: No.
LEMEC: Then he will be treated as a terrorist.

Jellico's an idiot.

(Data is now wearing command red and three pips)

Ugh. Even if Jellico has appointed Data first officer until a new one can be sent out, that doesn't justify a division transfer or promotion.

MADRED: I want you to be very careful with your wompat from now on, Jil Orra.

Only appearance of a wompat, although I was surprised to learn that it's a real word: a sort of sling for strapping your toddler to your chest.

JIL ORRA: I will, father. Do humans have mothers and fathers?
MADRED: Yes, but human mothers and fathers don't love their children as we do. They're not the same as we are.

How do you know that? When's the last time Madred swapped parenthood stories with a human? Never, I'll bet.

PICARD: To expose a child to this. To someone who is suffering. To see that it is you that inflict that suffering.
MADRED: From the time Jil Orra could crawl she's been taught about the enemies of the Cardassians, and that enemies deserve their fate.
PICARD: When children learn to devalue others, they can devalue anyone, including their parents.
MADRED: What a blind, narrow view you have. What an arrogant man you are.

How is anything that Picard said arrogance? He's not forcing the opinion on Madred, he's trying to teach him a lesson.

MADRED: And what did peace and spirituality get us? People starved by the millions. Bodies went unburied. Disease was rampant. Suffering was unimaginable.

Ugh. What does peace and spirituality have to do with refusing to bury bodies?

MADRED: My daughter will never worry about going hungry.
PICARD: Her belly may be full, but her spirit will be empty.

To paraphrase from Gargoyles, survival isn't enough.

MADRED: Shall we begin again? How many lights are there?
PICARD: What lights?

Now is not the time to be a smart alec, Picard. You say "four" as many times as it takes for Madred to stop asking, you don't ask to be tortured!

(Picard is lying on the floor, singing through parched lips)
PICARD: Sur le pont d'Avignon on y danse on y danse.

This is a French song about a dance performed on a bridge back in the Middle Ages. "On the bridge in Avignon they are dancing there, they are dancing there."

In the German dub of "The Lion King" Zazu sings this song instead of "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts."

PICARD: Doctor Crusher has no knowledge of any of Starfleet's plans. She's a Medical officer.
MADRED: You might be right. I'll have to determine that for myself.
(Picard sits in the chair)

What an idiot. Madred has already proven himself a liar. If they chose to keep Crusher as a prisoner she wouldn't be a bargaining chip, she'd be a torture victim in the room next door.

JELLICO: All right. Worf, prepare a series of five hundred antimatter mines with magnetic targeting capabilities.

The standard photon complement of the Enterprise is 250. While I have no doubt they could replicate mines and bleed off some antimatter, it would take a long time.

MADRED: Oh, you're awake. Have something to eat. I insist. Boiled taspar egg. It's a delicacy I'm happy to share with you.
(Madred gives Picard a knife to slice the top off the very large egg, but this one isn't boiled. The contents are still alive and moving. Picard downs it in one)

Talk about pointlessly sadistic. Picard has to have had worse. I'm especially reminded of the time in the novel "Dragon's Honor" where he had to eat everything the Emperor put in front of him or else jeapardize an important treaty. That includes all sorts of alien offal, lizard saliva, and even worse stuff that anyone else would rather be executed than try to eat it. Good book, I recommend it, that's the one where Riker wins an entire planet in a poker game.

PICARD: Torture has never been a reliable means of extracting information. It is ultimately self-defeating as a means of control. One wonders that it's still practiced.

Duh. Make the torture bad enough and people are willing to confess to anything just to make it stop. You won't get much useful information out of the victims.

PICARD: In spite of all you've done to me, I find you a pitiable man.

Oh, that had to hurt.

MADRED: Picard, stop it, or I will turn this on and leave you here in agony all night.
PICARD: Ah! You called me Picard.

Mike drop.

RIKER: Yes, sir. I understand you've been talking to every shuttle pilot on board.
JELLICO: Let's drop the ranks for a moment. I don't like you. I think you're insubordinate, arrogant. willful, and I don't think you're a particularly good first officer.

Oh, how I hate him. Riker's style of being first officer is incompatible with your style of being captain. He's not a particularly good first officer for Jellico, but Jellico has no right to expand that to a global opinion.

RIKER: Well, now that the ranks are dropped, Captain, I don't like you, either. You are arrogant and closed-minded. You need to control everything and everyone. You don't provide an atmosphere of trust, and you don't inspire these people to go out of their way for you. You've get everybody wound up so tight there's no joy in anything. I don't think you're a particularly good Captain.

Mike drop.

PICARD: I want to see neutral representative.
MADRED: There is no such person.

Of course there is. Madred is either just stubborn or he shares the common Cardassian delusion that the universe is out to get them unless they strike first.

JELLICO: I stand relieved. (to all) It's been an honour serving with you.
(Jellico leaves with knives sticking out of his back)

This is one that needed a third part to properly punish Jellico, or at least give his arc some sort of resolution.

PICARD: What I didn't put in the report was that at the end he gave me a choice between a life of comfort or more torture. All I had to do was to say that I could see five lights, when in fact, there were only four.
TROI: You didn't say it?
PICARD: No, no, but I was going to. I would have told him anything. Anything at all. But more than that, I believed that I could see five lights.

Never liked this scene. Picard should've had a complete victory.

Memory Alpha

* The Nitpicker's Guide is referenced on an episode page for once. That's neat.

Memory Beta

* Picard will have his revenge on Madred in the novel Ship of the Line.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil wonders if Riker is a better pilot than Data. Of course he his, he has intuition and other emotions on his side. Just like Picard back in "Booby Trap."

[Nate the Great]

January 25th, 1993, "Ship in a Bottle"

Fiver by saxamaphone (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=shipinabottle)

The Episode

DATA: It takes a trained eye to notice certain discrepancies. For example, whether someone is right or left handed!
(Data throws a box of matches to the gentleman, who catches it in his right hand.)
DATA: Your brother was right handed! The alleged suicide note was written by a left handed individual such as yourself!
LAFORGE: Er, Data, it's in his right hand.
DATA: Curious. There seems to be a problem in the holodeck's spatial orientation systems.

Or your theory is total bunk. Whether someone catches something with their left or right hand depends on many more factors than just handedness. Which hand is closer to the object? What kind of object is it? Is it durable enough to survive a fumbling catch from the wrong hand? Is it a pillow that could easily be caught with either hand?

MORIARTY: But here I am. Tell me, has a way been found to allow me to leave the confines of this holodeck world?
BARCLAY: Leave the holodeck? No, of course not. You can only exist in here.
MORIARTY: Damn you, Picard. He promised me something would be done. I should have realised he would have said anything to get me to release my hostage.

Of course something akin to the mobile emitter is impossible with current tech, but I wonder why they can't make some sort of hovering pad that can create a hologram that stays "solid" within a small area. Imagine blowing up Tasha's holographic portrait and making it more sophisticated.

Or at the very least put holocommunicator booths in the corners of major rooms and allow him to observe and talk to people.

We'll talk about Reg's holocube at the end.

DATA: Since both planets are gas giants, neither possesses a solid surface. Their atmospheres, however, will come into contact in approximately seventeen hours nine minutes.
LAFORGE: If their collision causes a self-sustaining fusion reaction, this is what we are likely to see. The birth of a new star.

The math has been done. The minimum mass required to sustain fusion and become a brown dwarf (the least massive stars) is 80 times the mass of Jupiter. The most massive gas giant on record is b Centauri (AB)b orbiting Alpha Centauri, 11 times more massive than Jupiter. There's a bit of a gap there, but at least the idea is somewhat plausible.

MORIARTY: Do you really? When this is over, you will walk out of this room to the real world and your own concerns, and leave me here trapped in a world I know to be nothing but illusion. I cannot bear that. I must leave.
PICARD: That is not possible. You cannot exist outside this room.
MORIARTY: Are you certain of that?
PICARD: Computer, exit.
(the door opens onto the corridor)
PICARD: Although an object appears solid on the holodeck, in the real world they have no substance.
(Picard throws out a book. It vanishes)

Obligatory mention of those gangsters from "The Long Goodbye" that lasted for a few seconds before vanishing (completely implausibly).

MORIARTY: I have consciousness. Conscious beings have will. The mind endows them with powers that are not necessarily understood, even by you. If my will is strong enough, perhaps I can exist outside this room. Perhaps I can walk into your world right now.

The problem is that while a human being can exert their will on their body, Moriarty can't. His body has no substance, the holodeck is projecting a forcefield around his body. And frankly, his "will" doesn't interact with the body like a real persons. His "will" resides in his programming in the holodeck computers. The holodeck has virtual cameras where the puppet's eyes would be that feed visual data to the program in the computer, who then sends puppeting commands to the projection.

PICARD: How is this possible?
BARCLAY: It isn't.
DATA: This contradicts everything we know about holodeck physics.

So did the stuff in "The Big Goodbye", but you didn't complain then.

CRUSHER: As far as I can tell, he's real. He's human.
MORIARTY: What else would I be, dear lady?
CRUSHER: His DNA is a little unusual, but all the major systems are there and functioning normally.
LAFORGE: As far as I can tell there's no evidence that his molecules are losing any cohesion. They seem to be as immutable as ordinary matter.

So we're supposed to believe that the holodeck duplicates every biological system? Why? A puppet being controlled by force fields has no need for any of this nonsense. If events call for a holodeck character to be wounded and bloody, the wound and blood will appear then, because it isn't real!

MORIARTY: Extraordinary. Are we far from Earth? What is the range of this ship? What means of locomotion does it use? There's so much for me to learn. I hardly know where to start.

The term "lightyear" was coined by a German astronomer in 1838. Even so, I doubt even Holmes himself could truly fathom the distance in 19th-century terms. Could he even comprehend galactic scales?

As for "range", that's a tough one. Thousands of light-years, I suppose. Impossible for us 21st-century people to comprehend, much less Moriarty.

Power source, that's a good one. Antimatter wasn't even conceived of until 1928. At best you could describe it as "we replicate conditions inside a star to make solar flares that can be channeled into our engines."

PICARD: I can give you books that will help.
MORIARTY: Good, good.

Is there a reason why information can't be copied from the library computer into the holodeck computer to be accessed by Moriarty's program?

PICARD: Professor, I feel it necessary to point out that criminal behaviour is as unacceptable in the twenty fourth century as it was in the nineteenth. And much harder to get away with.

This is just stupid. The word "duh" comes to mind.

MORIARTY: Don't worry, Captain. My past is nothing but a fiction. The scribblings of an Englishman dead now for four centuries. I hope to leave his books on the shelf, as it were.

Let me repeat, duh. We established that this Moriarty isn't the same guy that Doyle concieved of back in "Elementary, Dear Data." Upon enlightenment his desire wasn't crime anymore, it was to defeat Holmes/Data.

MORIARTY: There is a woman, the Countess Regina Bartholomew. She was created as a holodeck character for one of Commander Data's programs. She was designed to be the love of my life. Could she also be brought off the holodeck?

Moriarty was written to be a nemesis for Holmes only. There's mention of two brothers, but never a love interest. One wonders why Data created one.

PICARD: Professor, I wonder why you're in so much of a hurry. Is this woman involved with you in some illegal venture?

Why is Picard still stuck on this plot point? What sort of "criminal enterprise" can he engage in? At worse he'll commit extortion and attempted assault, neither of wish requires an accomplice.

COMPUTER: Authorisation denied.
PICARD: Explain.
COMPUTER: Picard command codes are no longer valid.

I don't think "valid" is the right word here.

DATA: Perhaps we should consider the transporter system. It uses many of the same principles as the holodeck. Both, for example, are capable of converting energy into matter.
LAFORGE: Except the transporter reconstitutes energy in a permanent form. Holodeck matter doesn't have any cohesion unless it's inside the grid.
BARCLAY: I wonder, what would happen if we tried to beam a holodeck object off the grid?
LAFORGE: Nothing would happen. A holodeck object is just a simulation. There's nothing there to provide a pattern lock for the transporter.

Exactly. This isn't a transporter problem, it's a replicator problem. Turning code into something solid.

For that matter, "Time Squared" reminds me that they can take a physical pattern from Source A and a neural pattern from Source B and fuse them in the transporter. Creating a physical pattern isn't the problem. While the holodeck shouldn't create bones and organs for characters routinely, it would know how to if events require it. Converting computer code into a neural pattern is the problem.

LAFORGE: That's a big leap, Data. I just don't think the transporter is going to accept simulated matter.
BARCLAY: Unless, unless we could find a way to compensate for the phase variance. If we could modify the pattern enhancers we just might do it.

Yeah, this is nonsense.

[Nate the Great]

(the lovely Stephanie Beacham greets Reg)

While I know Moriarty actor Daniel Davis best from The Nanny, I know Beacham best from Seaquest DSV. I really should get around to rewatching that show one of these years. Not necessarily for Retrospective purposes, just to enjoy it.

MORIARTY: If you loved a woman like this, Lieutenant, would you be content to let her remain a simulation?
BARCLAY: You, you gave her consciousness?
MORIARTY: Yes, just as it was given to me.

And how was that, exactly? No doubt Data and Geordi closed the loophole from "Elementary, Dear Data" by now. You can't just tell the computer to make one particular holodeck character sentient.

Come to think of it, why haven't they asked the Bynars for their help in this situation? While I have no doubt that the code used on Minuet is still is no longer in the Enterprise computers, the Bynars would keep a copy of it on their homeworld, wouldn't they?

DATA: Through deduction, sir. Lieutenant Barclay and I tried to transport a simulated object off the holodeck, something that has never been attempted. Since the transporter itself is a simulation, the computer had no real data from which to create the transport logs.

Exactly. Moriarty may be in command of this virtual Enterprise, but that control is limited by his comprehension. It's one thing to slave ship's control to some levers in the holodeck's virtual world, but he can't understand everything in the computer without it either being reprogrammed to interface with his program or him learning about it manually.

DATA: Then I saw you working the PADD with your left hand. Commander La Forge is right handed, sir. A similar malfunction occurred in the Sherlock Holmes programme I was running before Moriarty first appeared.

Ugh. Talk about a mishandled Chekov's gun. At least writing with your off hand is exponentially more complicated than catching an object with it.

(Data throws his commbadge towards the warp core. The grid appears for a moment)

Yeah, that's not how that works. The illusion on the holodeck wall would come forward to let the commbadge pass through it, then create an image of the commbadge continuing in interrupted flight.

PICARD: Credit where credit is due, madam. I can see you are a woman not only of breeding, but of wit and sagacity.

Sagacity means having foresight and discernment. If this was coming from anyone but Picard I'd call them pompous.

COUNTESS: And you, sir, are a man of charm and guile. You remind me of Viscount Oglethorpe. He was a man could bewitch any woman who breathed.

Well that's icky. I would apply the comparison to Kirk way before Picard.

PICARD: Yes, I can. We have learned that if we uncouple the transporter's Heisenberg Compensators and allow them to re-scramble randomly, we can beam a holodeck object or a person off the grid with all of the cohesion of conventional matter.

This is Picard planting information, but even with that knowledge this is meaningless technobabble. The Heisenberg Compensator is used for the dematerialization process, not the rematerialization process. I jolly well expect a transporter to be able to put every particle exactly where it wants and at the right speed.

(shuttle Sakharov flies off)

Sakharov was a Soviet scientist who helped design their thermonuclear weapons, but was also an advocate for civil liberties and nuclear disarmament.

PICARD: But who knows? Our reality may be very much like theirs. All this might be just be an elaborate simulation running inside a little device sitting on someone's table. Well, we have a newborn star to study. Mister Barclay, you will keep that safe?
BARCLAY: Aye, sir.
(everyone else leaves)
BARCLAY: Computer, end programme.

Holodeck characters can't end their own program (except for EMH's and Vic, of course).

The Fiver

Barclay: Hey guys! You're never going to guess what happened!
La Forge: Something weird with the Holodeck?
Barclay: How'd you know?
La Forge: Well, look at who I'm talking to.

Yeah, Barclay walked right into that one.

Moriarty: Sure. Meet you in Ten Forward. (leaves)
Data: Hey, he can't do that! He's not a drawing of the Enterprise!

As has already been covered before, the holodeck can probably replicate simple objects if it looks like a user is trying to leave the holodeck with it.

Barclay: Hey, maybe we could beam her off the Holodeck.
Data: Sure, if we can lock on to her with the pattern enhancers
La Forge: An episode with Holodeck characters, transporter technology, and Barclay -- what are the odds?

I'm not sure that the double-dipping works in this case.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil and his readers also noted the handedness problem.
* It's weird that Data was so willing to defend the rights of the exocomps, but doesn't seem to care that much about Moriarty.
* Why would it matter of Moriarty vanishes if he leaves the holodeck? That's just the projection, not his actual program.
* When Barclay said "end program", why didn't the computer respond with the message that it's an invalid command?
* He brings up the multiple instances of holodeck objects leaving the holodeck. Once again, simple objects can be replicated as needed, but full puppets can't.

[NAHTMMM]

I haven't seen Parent Trap II, but I used to watch Short Circuit growing up. I have also read Ship of the Line and recommend that nobody else reads it.

[Nate the Great]

February 1st, 1993, "Aquiel"

Fiver by Marc (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=aquiel)

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 46461.3. We have arrived at a communication relay station near the Klingon border, where we are scheduled to deliver supplies. However, the station has not responded to repeated hails.

Let me say this up front: Confining two people to a small station for months on end is blatantly ridiculous. Anyone would snap under those circumstances. The worst part is that there have to be any number of science projects that could be done anywhere. Have it staffed with a dozen researchers who do the boring relay stuff half a shift a week each. Duh.

LAFORGE: They must've left an audio monitoring system on. We're hearing a few thousand subspace messages.

With only two people on board you'd think the computer could be programmed to shut down all active programs and send a distress signal if there isn't any input in X hours.

RIKER: Here's your loose panel.
(the sound is of a wagging tail hitting the metal. woof!)
LAFORGE: Hey, pooch. hey, pooch, come on out of there.

Does this place seem big enough for a dog to be comfortable? I don't think so. I'd feel bad keeping a cat in here!

(Worf is cutting the deck plate out with his phaser)

There aren't any plasma torches available that could do this job better?

AQUIEL [OC]: Sent in my third request for a message delay buffer. Until it arrives, Lieutenant Rocha and I have rigged a memory module to compensate.

You shouldn't need to ask three times for equipment. And frankly under these circumstances there should be at least two spares of everything that could fail. And of course the idea of turning a memory module into a message delay buffer is ludicrous.

AQUIEL [OC]: Hello, Shiana. Sorry I haven't talked to you in a while but I've been dealing with the new Lieutenant, Rocha. So far he's been rude, arrogant and condescending, and he's only been here two days. This might be a long year.

A YEAR! Two people alone on a station for a YEAR! Are we sure that this posting isn't some sort of punishment?

CRUSHER: Well this is just a guess, but from the molecular deposition on the plating I'd say it was a high-level phaser blast.
RIKER: Could it have been a Klingon disruptor?
CRUSHER: Possibly.

I'm pretty sure that phasers and disruptors operate on sufficently different principles that you can't really mix up one with the other.

PICARD: Get Rocha's personnel file from Starfleet Command.

You didn't do that already once you realized that the station wasn't responding? For that matter, isn't the Enterprise computer big enough to hold all personnel files for a considerable chunk of Starfleet personnel?

For that matter, you should be able to get the files from a closer Starbase than Earth.

AQUIEL [on monitor]: It's because of what's been happening with that Klingon. He's getting more aggressive all the time. Not just the usual threat. Morag actually locked his disruptors to the station this time.

That seems like a pretty blatant violation of the treaty to me. She didn't tell Starfleet Command about this?

LAFORGE: There are three references to a Commander Morag, a Klingon officer who patrols this section of the border. Apparently he would pass the station every few days and harass them.

Why was this allowed to continue?

WORF: Have the courage to admit your mistakes. Or are you a lo'Be Vos?

lo'Be Vos means "thing without courage."

AQUIEL: You have to be raised on it. It's very nutritious. The taste grows on you.
LAFORGE: Batar al nalia.

That means "but not on me."

The Fiver

Riker: Lieutenant, did you lie about your age to get into Starfleet?

Where did this come from?

Dog: Woof! Woof!
Aquiel: Maura! I'm so happy to see you again, girl!
La Forge: Looks like she means a lot to you.
Aquiel: Yes, we've been inseparable ever since I found her wandering around an isolated Arctic research station whose personnel had all mysteriously died.

What is this a reference to?

[NAHTMMM]

The Fiver

Dog: Woof! Woof!
Aquiel: Maura! I'm so happy to see you again, girl!
La Forge: Looks like she means a lot to you.
Aquiel: Yes, we've been inseparable ever since I found her wandering around an isolated Arctic research station whose personnel had all mysteriously died.

What is this a reference to?
Probably The Thing.

[Nate the Great]

February 8th, 1993, "Face of the Enemy"

Fiver by Nic (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=faceoftheenemy)

The Episode

TROI: Computer, lights. Computer, turn on the lights.
(nothing happens)

I wonder why not. Do the Romulans think that vocal commands for routine things are weak? Does it only respond to commands in Romulan? Is everyone wearing Universal Translators to understand Troi's English?

TROI: Warbird? I was at the neuropsychology seminar at Bokara Six. The last thing I remember was returning to my quarters. I was attacked. I felt a hypospray.
N'VEK: It was necessary. I could not be certain you would come voluntarily.

I despise the whole "I couldn't give you the choice because you might not choose my way" trope.

N'VEK: Listen to me carefully. You are no longer Deanna Troi. You are Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar, the Imperial Intelligence.

The Tal Shiar has their own fleet and thus a need for military ranks.

N'VEK: Your only chance to get off this ship alive is to do as I say. You are an empath. You would know if I am lying. Am I?
TROI: No.

It stands to reason that the Romulans would be motivated to create telepathy-blocking technology. The fact that they haven't indicates that it really is impossible. Although I've already talked about how a slight temporal displacement would create a defacto shield, but I suppose it would be too complicted for routine use aboard a warbird.

TORETH: Commence loading the cargo. Notify me when the transfer is complete.
(everyone say hi! to Carolyn Seymour)

Seymour has a lengthy resume of supporting roles in TV. She was only in one episode of B5. I was surprised to learn that she played Mrs. Templeton in Janeway's stupid Regency holodeck program.

N'VEK: Commander, may I present Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar? This is Commander Toreth.
TORETH: Attend to your station.

Since when do visiting Tal Shiar officers have "stations"? This seems like a situation where they'd just sit next to the captain (or Commander, I should say. I'm all for alternate rank systems, but not one that causes this much confusion).

TORETH: Why are you here without your guards? Well?

If Tal Shiar agents have to work in packs aboard military ships, that raises many disturbing questions.

TORETH: I have been ordered to take on cargo but its contents are unknown to me. Does that seem wise? I am responsible for the safety of this ship and its crew. How do I know this cargo is safe to transport?

A good point, but this seems like something that would be covered by her orders. Provide transport only, everything else is out of your control. Don't complain or you might "disappear."

WORF: The man acted dishonourably. He is a traitor.
CRUSHER: He risked his life to get here. He spent two weeks alone in a scout ship.
WORF: That does not excuse his original actions.

There are times when Worf's dialogue gets too cliche and thus painful. Furthermore, when so much exposition about DeSeve's situation hasn't been revealed yet, Worf's remarks seem really clunky. This could've been solved so easily with a Captain's Log a few scenes ago.

DESEVE: The Romulans are very moral, Captain. They have an absolute certainty about what is right and what is wrong, who is a friend and who is an enemy, a strict moral compass which provides them with a clarity of purpose. At one time I found their sense of purpose, their passion and commitment, to be very compelling.
PICARD: But not any more?
DESEVE: As I've grown older, I realise that clarity of purpose is a more ambiguous matter than I had thought in my youth.

This plot point required more exposition. They seem to be implying that DeSeve just abandoned his post and defected to the Romulans. Certainly a court-martial offense, but I wouldn't call it "treason" unless he revealed Starfleet secrets to the Romulans, which doesn't seem to be the case.

DESEVE: The freighter is an old Antares class vessel with limited speed and range. It couldn't have taken on its cargo more than a day ago which means it must be within fifteen light years of here.
PICARD: Why didn't you mention this earlier?
DESEVE: It didn't seem necessary. And on Romulus you learn not to volunteer information. It's a hard habit to break.

There's quite a screed to be had here about comparing Romulan and Cardassian society.

N'VEK: Yes. It's your job to order Toreth to proceed into Federation territory.
TROI: We'll never get through the gravitic sensor nets.
N'VEK: We will, if you provide the correct access codes.

Why would Troi know the codes?

TORETH: In order to reach Draken, we will have to travel through Federation space for nearly twenty hours.

Who said we had to go in a straight line? Go around!

DATA: It appears to be the remains of a ship. My analysis indicates that it was an Antares class freighter.

The model was used in an episode of Enterprise, implying that this type of ship has been in use for hundreds of years. Ouch.

And of course Kassidy Yate's ship the Xhosa is of this class.

WORF: Captain, we are being hailed.
PICARD: On screen.
TROI [on viewscreen]: I am Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar.

I love SF Debris' reaction to this scene: Picard saying that if this is the child of another officer an alternate version of himself sent back in time then he is just DONE.

The Fiver

N'Vek: Wrong! From now on you will refer to yourself as Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar. And you will help me, for I have a cunning plan.

This seems to be a Blackadder reference.

N'Vek: We need your help to deliver this cargo to the Federation. It contains a Romulan Viceconsul and two of his aides. If we fail, the Viceconsul will be killed.
Troi: Sucks to be the Viceconsul.

Vice Consul is two words.

Crusher: So how does it feel, now that you no longer wear the face of the enemy?
Troi: Okay. Although I kind of liked the ears of the enemy. Can I, by any chance, keep them?
Picard: NO! Absolutely not! No pointy-eared green-blooded hobgoblins on my Bridge!

I wonder if this is supposed to be a reference to Sirtis' role of Demona over on Gargoyles.

Memory Alpha

* First appearance of the Tal Shiar. Really?
* First appearance of Worf's ponytail.
* First episode where it's established that you can't have the cloak and shields on at the same time.
* When DeSeve first beams aboard he refers to Picard as Captain, yet later he uses the Romulan term "Commander". Oops.
* First mention of the Romulans using artificial quantum singularities as a power source.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil also wonders about the translation issue.
* Carolyn Seymour appeared as a different Romulan back in "Contagion." Why didn't they reuse the character (Taris) here?
* DeSeve defected to the Romulans twenty years ago. Weren't the Romulans still in their isolationist period back then? How did he get to Romulus?
* Phil also wondered why Troi would have the codes.
* Troi grows a lot more hair after Crusher reverts her Romulan look. I don't have a problem with this one; it stands to reason that medical science has advanced enough to encourage hair growth. Picard might choose not to use the tech, requiring him and Data to use wigs in "Reunification."

[Nate the Great]

February 15th, 1993, "Tapestry"

Fiver (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=tapestry) by Michael DeSanto (never heard of him, either)

The Episode

CRUSHER: Tell Doctor Selar she can use ward three for the ambulatory cases, and I'll stay here.

Come to think of it, hasn't it been long enough since K'ehleyr's death that Suzie Plakson can play Selar again? She'll be namedropped a few more times before the series ends, so why not?

CRUSHER: He's in cardiac arrest. Connect the pulmonary support units. He's got internal haemorrhaging. The bioregulator of his artificial heart's been fused.

You'd think the implant would have a backup regulator.

PICARD: No. I am not dead. Because I refuse to believe that the afterlife is run by you. The universe is not so badly designed.

This line always stuck with me. Truly one of Picard's best burns.

MAURICE: I told you that Starfleet would bring you to a bad end, but you wouldn't listen. Now look at you. Dead before your time.

Come to think of it, why was Maurice so anti-Starfleet anyway? Was it just the general "new is bad" thinking that Robert displayed? I find such thinking overly simplistic and close-minded.

Q: Death has made you a little dim, Jean-Luc. These are the voices of all the people who have died through your actions or your inactions.

There's a lot to unpack here, but the simple version is that Picard isn't 100% responsible for the unforeseen consequences of his actions or inactions and as long as his motives weren't selfish you can't lay much blame on him. Remember when I discussed how many TOS deaths were directly Kirk's fault? (http://www.fiveminute.net/forums/showpost.php?p=81881&postcount=870)

Q: Your artificial heart. You might have lived if you had a real one instead of this unreliable piece of technology.

No matter whether his heart was real or artificial, no doubt there were missions that would've gone either way.

For that matter, wouldn't the Borg have upgraded this thing enough for Crusher to see that it was worthwhile to leave it as is?

(Picard, in old style uniform, gets slapped across the face by a woman who then storms out of the room)
MARTA: Bravo! Bravo!
COREY: Nicely done.

The expanded universe had a lot of fun fleshing out Marta and Corey's backstories. In particular Corey joining Section 31 and Marta hunting them down.

Q: Oh, you mortals are so obtuse. Why do you persist in believing that life and death are such static and rigid concepts. Why, I can take your life and give it back to you again with the snap of a finger.

Well, that's disturbing.

PICARD: Change them? You mean change the past? Q, even if you have been able to bring me back in time somehow, surely you must realise that any alteration in this timeline will have a profound impact on the future.
Q: Please. Spare me your egotistical musings on your pivotal role in history. Nothing you do here will cause the Federation to collapse or galaxies to explode. To be blunt, you're not that important.

Oh, the argument to the contrary that we could come up with.

MARTA: Very, very nice. I think you should forget about Starfleet and play dom-jot for a living.

First appearance of dom-jot. Memory Alpha reveals an interesting story that was cut from "The Maquis." Curzon Dax, Cal Hudson, and Sisko once played dom-jot against the Zakdorn.

Q: Flowers! Is there a John Luck Pickard here?

Another classic. There's also a package here for Tony Stank...

PICARD: I'm not sure. Mister Worf, what is my rank and position?
WORF: You are a Lieutenant junior grade, Assistant Astrophysics officer.

One thing that confuses me is why Picard would stay in a dead-end Starfleet career instead of returning to Professor Galen. And why Astrophysics? You'd think there would be any number of science officers specializing in archeology on board.

PICARD: Who's the captain of this ship?
DATA: Captain Thomas Halloway.

The writers were considering bringing back Jellico as the captain, but I would've preferred DeSoto, it would've been a nice Easter Egg.

PICARD: Main Engineering. Are you having a good laugh now, Q? Does it amuse you to think of me living out the rest of my life as a dreary man in a tedious job?

And he can't resign and go back to Earth...why?

Q: Au contraire, he's the person you wanted to be. One who was less arrogant, and undisciplined as a youth. One who was less like me. The Jean-Luc Picard you wanted to be, the one who did not fight the Nausicaan, had quite a different career from the one you remember. That Picard never had a brush with death, never came face to face with his own mortality, never realised how fragile life is or how important each moment must be. So his life never came into focus. He drifted for much of his career, with no plan or agenda, going from one assignment to the next, never seizing the opportunities that presented themselves. He never lead the away team on Milika Three to save the ambassador, or take charge of the Stargazer's Bridge when its Captain was killed. And no one ever offered him a command. He learned to play it safe. And he never, ever got noticed by anyone.

Let me just toss up a video link. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAZEyGwgHg4)

Milika III will only make a cameo in Stellar Cartography in Generations. I wish someone would write a novel about that.

As for the captain that was killed, that was Daithan Ruhalter. He practiced fencing with Picard. It was the prior captain, Anton Manning, that took Picard to Vulcan to attend the Spock/Saavik marriage.

PICARD: And, you know, there's still a part of me that cannot accept that Q would give me a second chance, or that he would demonstrate so much compassion. And if it was Q, I owe him a debt of gratitude.

Q will call in this debt during the events of the novel "Q-Squared."

Memory Alpha

* First time the Nausicaans appeared onscreen.
* A Selay and an Antican appear on the station, but they're supposed to be moral enemies. Oops.
* Picard had hair as a young man here, but was shown as bald in the photo in Nemesis. Simplest explanation-remove Nemesis from canon. Duh.

The Fiver

Riker: We were attacked! The Captain's been fatally injured!
Worf: That's what he gets for leading the away team.

Ouch.

Picard: Why does heaven look like the place where the Prophets live?
Q: It's the same complex. They live next door.

"We got a great deal on the timeshare!"

Q: So, do you have any regrets?
Picard: Yeah, I didn't get to fool around with Beverly.
Q: Besides that.

"How about that time the Borg killed millions of people using my knowledge?"
"We don't have the budget for something that big!"

Picard: Marta! Corey! My old college buddies! It's great to see you again!
Marta: Old?
Corey: Have you been smoking felicium again, Jonny?

Felicium is injected, not smoked.

Worf: Is something wrong, Lieutenant Picard?
Picard: What's going on? Why am I a lieutenant? Who's the captain of this ship?
Data: Kathryn Janeway.

Janeway was commanding the Bonestell at this point.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Picard says that the incident with the Naussicans was thirty years ago when it was really over forty years. Oops.
* Many inconsistencies between the story as told in "Samaritan Snare" and this episode.

[Nate the Great]

February 22nd, 1993, "Birthright Part One"

Fiver by Kristina (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=birthright1)

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 46578.4. The Enterprise has arrived at Station Deep Space Nine, to assist in the reconstruction of the Bajoran aqueduct systems damaged during the Cardassian occupation.

"For some reason, the entire senior staff of the station is occupied elsewhere playing some stupid board game with Gamma Quadrant aliens." Hehe...

CRUSHER: I should be through with the water contaminant analysis in a few hours. Then I'm going to check out one of the holosuites. They have got a relaxation programme here, Jean-Luc, from Alture Seven. Listen to this. First they bath you in a protein bath. Then a cloud of chromal vapour carries you into a meditation chamber. You should try it.

I'd really like to know how a cloud of vapor is supposed to carry a person. I can't find a usage of "chromal" that isn't related to chrome plating.

WORF: What is this?
LAFORGE: It's pasta al fiorella. One of my favourites.

Fiorella is a cheese that's a cross between mozarella and ricotta. This dish doesn't exist in the real world, but of course a Trek fan has created a recipe for it. (https://wonderlandrecipes.com/2016/06/09/pasta-alla-fiorella-geordi-la-forges-favorite-food-an-awr-original/)

LAFORGE: (pushes plate away) I'll have to talk to Chief O'Brien about these replicators. Worf, I don't see how you can eat that stuff. It tastes like liquid polymer.
WORF: Delicious.

Was the "Worf likes food that other people think is awful" joke used more often than here and with Riker's eggs?

DATA: I am sorry, but use of sickbay equipment is limited to ship's medical personnel.

You'd think Bashir could just ask permission. Come to think of it, you'd think the CMO of DS9 could request the use of any Starfleet medical facility docked at the station.

SHREK: I expect to be paid for my information. Perhaps we could negotiate an exchange. The location of your father, for--

Does Worf even have gold-pressed latinum on him? I would understand Starfleet ships visiting DS9 to get enough latinum to buy a few meals, but Shrek would want more than that.

Then again, odds are Riker has some latinum on him. I recommend the DS9 novel "The Big Game" where Quark organizes a poker tournament. Riker was specifically invited, but he couldn't make it. Bashir takes his place and gets rather far, and this is BEFORE his enhancements were even conceived of.

(he is practising his martial arts, but gets angry and smashes a glass table. The doorbell chimes)

Seriously, why wouldn't Worf have sturdier furniture than this? I wonder if Troi ever told him how K'Ehleyr broke a table once upon a time.

WORF: A Klingon would never allow himself to be captured. A warrior fights to the death. If my father were alive it would dishonour his sons and their sons for three generations. Even Alexander would bear the burden of guilt.

This situation probably falls into the no-suicide clause.

BASHIR: Right. Data, can I ask you a personal question?
DATA: Certainly.
BASHIR: Does your hair grow?

You'd think something this basic would be part of the publicly-available specs.

DATA: I can control the rate of my follicle replenishment. However, I have not yet had a reason to modify the length of my hair.

A mission to Romulus where you have to impersonate a Romulan doesn't count?

BASHIR: You're breathing.
DATA: Yes. I do have a functional respiration system. However, its purpose is to maintain thermal control of my internal systems. I am, in fact, capable of functioning for extended periods in a vacuum.

"Or walking around on the bottom of a lake. However, I do not foresee ever needing to use that skill."

DATA: Most people are interested in my extraordinary abilities. How fast I can compute, my memory capacity, how long I will live.

That would also be part of his file! Why bother Data with this nonsense?

SHREK: Excellent. I can provide you with the coordinates.
WORF: No. You will take me there.
SHREK: No, it's not possible.

They could've saved so much trouble by just taking the Enterprise. Or at the very least, hiring your own ship. I'm sure Quark could help you out there...

DATA: I have analysed over four thousand different religious and philosophical systems, as well as over two hundred psychological schools of thought, in an effort to understand what happened.

The ratio between religions and psychological schools is interesting.

DATA: The interpretation of visions and other metaphysical experiences are almost always culturally derived, and I have no culture of my own.
PICARD: Yes, you do. You're a culture of one, which is no less valid than a culture of one billion.

Good point.

DATA: I do not understand.
SOONG: You're not supposed to. No man should know where his dreams come from. It spoils the mystery, the fun.

There's a lot to unpack here.

L'KOR: (sings) van'aj javDIch Qong DIr Sa'VIch ghIH yot quelI'Pa qevas HoH Qa. teblaw'nghu mughato'Du ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo'

This is known as the Victory Song, written by Brannon Braga. The lyrics are Klingon words as created by Marc Okrand, but the translation is gibberish. I prefer the Warrior's Anthem, which actually has a meaning. And the Amazing Thing That I Learned Today is that the translation of the Warriors Anthem was used in the fan-made DS9 Season 5 trailer (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8DpDhmE01A).

Memory Alpha

* It was supposed to be Dax in the Data plot, but Bashir "died" first in "Move Along Home."
* Data tells Bashir that he never had a reason to change his hair length, but he did it back in "The Schizoid Man". Oops.

Fiver

Captain's Log: We are docked at Deep Space Nine to promote the show and see some cast crossovers.

"Some"? There was only one!

Shrek: Worf, son of Mogh? I'm Shrek.
Worf: Where's the donkey? And should you not be green?
Shrek: Not that Shrek. My name is Shrek, too.
Worf: Ah, the sequel. Then where is Puss in Boots?
Shrek: Are you a Klingon or a Pakled?

I get the joke, but it seems a bit too obvious. More depth was needed.

La Forge: What is it with the father fetish of this episode?
Bashir: We go father than no one has gone before....

Horrible grammar for the sake of that joke.

Nitpicker's Guide

* So what was that "medical scanner" for, anyway?
* Phil noticed a person in the "Data-as-bird" flyby. This was mentioned on the Memory Alpha page, but I wasn't going to bring it up. This was June Abston, a makeup artist. Her "cameo" was removed for the remaster.
* Worf's "stealth suit" shows a human-style spine when we know that Klingon spines are much more spiky ("Ethics").

[Nate the Great]

March 1st, 1993, "Birthright Part II"

Fiver by Kristina (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=birthright2)

The Episode

WORF: Why did you allow it to happen?
GI'RAL: We had no choice. We were defending an outpost on the perimeter. The Romulans took out our shields. The next blast rendered us unconscious. When we awoke, we were prisoners, unarmed and shackled.
L'KOR: We were interrogated for three months. We tried to starve ourselves but they kept us alive.

I'd think if any race would know how to kill themselves without weapons it would be the Klingons. Or at the very least use the Josephus tactic (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCsD3ZGzMgE).

L'KOR: The Romulans hoped to trade our lives for territorial concessions, but the Klingon High Council refused to negotiate. They would not acknowledge that their warriors had been taken prisoner.
GI'RAL: And when it was clear that we would be of no use to them, Tokath offered to let us go.
L'KOR: But we knew that our families believed we had fallen in battle, so we did not wish to return to dishonour them.
GI'RAL: We asked Tokath to let us stay and he took pity on us.

And you didn't commit suicide at that point...why? Look, I don't actually hate this episode, it's just a bit too contrived.

L'KOR: Why did you come here? If you had found your father you would have found only dishonour.
WORF: If he had been captured as you were, if I had found him here, I would be glad to see him. There is no room in my heart for shame.
L'KOR: I can only hope that if my son came here, he would be Klingon enough to kill me.

This needed more elaboration. Worf's code is not the same as other Klingons, and because of that Klingon history is quite different. Just think about it, without him Duras and the Romulans would've taken over the entire Alpha Quadrant by now.

WORF: This is a gin'tak spear.

You'd think these things would've joined the standard Klingon arsenal, but nope. They didn't even make a cameo until Lower Decks.

TOQ: We have no need for weapons here. The war is far away.
WORF: What war?
TOQ: The war our parents came here to escape.
WORF: That war was over many years ago.
TOQ: I'm not interested in what you have to say, Klingon.

This seems odd. Are the Romulans deliberately not keeping them informed about current events?

BA'EL: Aren't you happy to have escaped the war?
WORF: The war.
BA'EL: Yes. We've heard the stories all our lives. How people are slaughtered in terrible battles, forced to fight whether they want to or not. That's why our parents came here, to make a safe home, a place where they could raise their children in peace. I should think you'd be relieved to get away from the fighting. You're safe here.

The Romulans have no reason to lie about this, so this must be the elder generation trying to preserve their honor. But this is hardly the simplest method. If I gave it some thought I could probably think up a reasonable alternative, but I'm not in the mood.

WORF: A place can be safe and still be a prison. Where I come from, people are free to come and go as they choose.
BA'EL: So are we.
WORF: Tell your father that you would like to leave. Tell him that you would like to visit the Klingon Home world. See what he says.
BA'EL: Why would I want to go there? It's dangerous.

"To go alone, take this." Sorry. Anyway, how can the war still be going on if Q'onos has fallen? STVI really seemed to imply that no Q'onos=no organized empire.

TOKATH: You're just like L'Kor was twenty years ago. Proud and angry. He hated me. All the Klingons did. And I had no love for them, I won't deny it. When I informed the High Command that the Klingons wanted to remain here, I was told that unless I stayed to oversee them myself, they would be killed. My decision ended my military career.
WORF: Why did you do it?
TOKATH: I don't expect you to understand. You're a Klingon. But I do expect you to understand this, We've put aside the old hatreds. Here, Romulans and Klingons live in peace. I won't allow you to destroy what we have.

There's so much to unpack here. How do the Romulan, Klingon (old), Klingon (Worf), and Federation ideas of peace compare? How much is Tokath deluding himself? Etc.

BA'EL: Bagh Da tuHmoh. ChojaH Duh rHo. ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo'
WORF: Do you know what that song means?
BA'EL: No. I just like the melody.

So are these Klingons speaking a language other than Klingon? If they were speaking Romulan I would imagine Worf would be even more angry.

The Victory Song will be repeated later in the episode. The translation is gibberish.

TOKATH: We haven't had to use one of these for a long time. It implants a small boridium pellet under the skin.

Boridium makes a few appearances throughout Trek. Usually they're used for power networks, but the people of Rigel IV make knives out of it.

(She opens a chest. It contains Klingon armour amongst other items)
BA'EL: I don't know why, but I'm not supposed to look at these things. They're Klingon, aren't they?
WORF: Yes.

Well, duh. Klingons don't seem like the type to regularly import items from elsewhere in the galaxy. Maybe there would be a few Romulan artifacts from the alliance in the TOS days, but that would be it.

(Well, maybe there would be a Klingon translation of Shakespeare in there as well...)

(Ba'el has taken a necklace)
BA'EL: Isn't it beautiful?
WORF: That is a jinaq. It is given to a daughter who has come of age, old enough to take a mate.

The jInaq only appears in the novel Kahless besides this episode.

WORF: Kahless held his father's lifeless body in his arms. He could not believe what his brother had done. Then his brother threw their father's sword into the sea, saying, if he could not possess it, neither would Kahless. That was the last time the brothers would speak.

Kahless' brother was Morath. He's prominent in the novel "Kahless", and the blood the "Kahless" clone was made from was really his. The brother's relationship was much different than as related here.

[Nate the Great]

BA'EL: This Kahless, did he ever take a mate?
WORF: That is another story.
BA'EL: Tell me.

Yes he did. Her name was Kellien. She gave him her jiNaq to hold onto until they could be married. She died before they could be, so he wore the necklace for the rest of his life and never married.

WORF: Klingons and Romulans are blood enemies. Have been for centuries.
BA'EL: Not here. Here, we live in peace.

Except for that brief period in the TOS days when they were allies. And then Kor screwed it up and Kera's (the Romulan Commander played by Mark Leonard, just reverse the letters) daughter-in-law put an end to that. I highly recommend all of John Byrne's Trek comics.

WORF: The qa'vak is not a game. It hones the skills of the hunt.

Another piece of Klingon lore that should've been reused.

TOQ: The hunt? We have replicators here.

Ugh. As has been covered by numerous other episodes, replicated stuff doesn't quite taste like the real thing if you know the difference. Furthermore we know that Klingons avoide replicators if possible. Their bloodwine is real, their gagh is real, I'll bet the targ is real too.

TOQ: Tonight, as we came home, we sang a song of victory. A song known only to me as a lullaby. But it is a warrior's song. Bagh Da tuHmoh. Fire streaks the heavens. ChojaH Duh rHo. Battle has begun. Bagh Da tuHmoh. ChojaH Duh rHo. ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo.
(others join in and I cannot be bothered to try and transcribe it all.)

Why bother? As I already said, the lyrics are gibberish.

BA'EL: (to the guard) Thank you. I will remove the tracking device. Then you can go over the wall and hide in the jungle.

And then what? He has no way off the planet. Eventually Worf would have no choice but to try killing the Romulans one by one until they kill him.

BA'EL: They will kill you.
WORF: Yes. But they will not defeat me.

"I cannot defeat this Klingon. All I can do is kill him, and that no longer holds my interest."

BA'EL: If there is anything that I've learned from you, from your reaction to me, it's that I have no place out there. Other Klingons will not accept me for what I am.

So stay on the Enterprise! For that matter, do the Romulans know that he's a Starfleet officer?

PICARD: You found what you were looking for, Mister Worf?
WORF: No, sir. There was no prison camp. Those young people are survivors of a vessel that crashed in the Carraya system four years ago. No one survived Khitomer.
PICARD: I understand.

Sometime between now and "Rightful Heir" Worf will tell Picard about this. II wonder what the point is in being cryptic here.

The Fiver

Tokath: Worf, remember E'b'nee --
Worf: -- and I-Vo'Ree. Live together?
Tokath: In perfect harmony, side by side on the piano keyboard.
Worf: Oh, Lord, why -- stop reciting these lyrics!
Tokath: It's a small wonder you didn't catch on earlier.

Well, that pun is just painful.

Ba'el: Brushing up on your Tai Chi?
Worf: This is the Mok'bara, which forms the basis for Klingon combat.
Ba'el: I have a better suggestion -- bite me.
Worf: Uhh....
Ba'el: I mean my cheek.
Gi'ral: Keep your filthy hands off my daughter, you!

"For your sake I hope you are initiating a Klingon mating ritual."

Ba'el: Is that a d'k tahg in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

This joke is overused.

Tokath: Worf must be executed, since we can't imagine....
Worf: All the people -- don't agree.
Toq: Kill him, but kill me first.
Ba'el: No, me. I'm sick of hearing all these song lyrics.

My Google Fu failed me this time. Explanation?

Data: This message comes with a Klingon emoticon.
Picard: Come again?
Data: Three beginning angles, one ending angle, a colon, and a start parenthesis.

Beginning angle? Could someone translate this one?

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil wonders why the Data and Worf plots couldn't have been split into two separate episodes. Personally I think the Worf story deserved two full episodes (intercut with the rest of the crew looking for him and dealing with a parallel Romulan plot).
* Phil questions how the cover story for the survivors will work out since these kids know almost nothing about current Klingon culture or current events.
* Wasn't a Klingon captured by the Romulans and returned without incident back in "A Matter of Honor"?

[Nate the Great]

March 29th, 1993, "Starship Mine"

Ah yes, "Die Hard in Space".

No Fiver

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 46682.4. The Enterprise is docked at the Remmler Array, where it will undergo a routine procedure to eliminate accumulated baryon particles. In preparation for the sweep, we are evacuating the ship.

I hate it when the creators take a real scientific term and reappropriate it for something else. Baryon is a real word, it means a subatomic particle with an odd number of quarks. Or put more simply, PROTONS and NEUTRONS are baryons, remove them from a starship and there's nothing left!

TROI: Captain. We're still behind schedule on decks seven and eight. Shall I tell Arkaria Base there'll be a delay?
PICARD: No. Open up the transporters in Cargo bay two and divert everyone from deck seven to there.

I wonder how long it takes to change the settings on a cargo transporter to dial up the precision to lifeform levels. And frankly all of the cargo transporters should already be in use to evacuate the ship.

CRUSHER: Captain. Arkaria Base does not have the medical storage units I have requested. I have seven living tissue samples that won't survive the baryon sweep anymore than you or I would.

You'd think Crusher would've dealt with this way before now.

PICARD: Mister Data, are you all right?
DATA: Yes, sir. I am attempting to fill a silent moment with non-relevant conversation.
PICARD: Small talk.
DATA: Yes, sir. I have found that humans often use small talk during awkward moments. Therefore, I have written a new subroutine for that purpose. How did I do?
PICARD: Perhaps it was a little too non-relevant. But if you really are interested in small talk, then you should keep your eye on Commander Hutchinson at the reception this afternoon. He's a master.

In retrospect mastering small talk seems like a necessary stepping stone to the humor that he's already tackled.

LAFORGE: Yes, sir. We've logged in five years more warp hours than most ships do in ten, so our baryon particle levels are high.

Look, I'm all for warp drive creating impurities on a ship that have to be cleaned out every so often, but you can't call them baryons!

I wonder if Voyager's redesigned warp engines negated the necessity of baryon sweeps.

PICARD: Very well. Computer, disable all command functions in thirty minutes.

And command functions have to be disabled-why?

WORF: Captain. Request permission to be excused from Commander Hutchinson's reception.
PICARD: Permission granted. I wish I could excuse myself as well.
LAFORGE: Captain, permission to be
PICARD: Mister La Forge, I cannot excuse my entire senior staff. Mister Worf beat you to it.

Ha ha. And then Worf gives the most amused and yet smug smirk. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0a6tpEclwE)

NEIL: Where's the ODN interface?

You know, if you're going to steal from the flagship, I expect you to have every step of this theft rehearsed on the holodeck before you show up!

DATA: It is very good to see you both again. Beverly. May I call you Beverly? Beverly, have you noticed that the mean temperature here on Arkaria is slightly higher normal for human comfort levels? I have found that humans prefer a body temperature of twenty one degrees Celsius in order to operate most efficiently. However, there are several cultures who actually prefer that their body temperature is identical to the temperature of the room in which they are standing. The Sheliak, for example...

Body temperature is 37 Celsius. 21 Celsius is room temperature (about 70 Farenheit). Or rather a bit hotter than room temperature, which we usually take as 20 C or 68 F. I won't get into thermostat wars, that's a beartrap I don't care to step into.

PICARD: Then I have enough time to back to the ship and get my saddle.
TROI: Your saddle?
PICARD: Yes. A saddle is a very personal thing. It has to be broken in, used, cared for.
LAFORGE: You keep a saddle on board the Enterprise?
PICARD: Oh yes, yes. I never know when I'll have the opportunity to ride.
TROI: I see.
PICARD: It's perfectly normal. Most serious riders do have their own saddles.

After "Pen Pals" I'm surprised that Troi isn't aware of Picard's interest in horses.

DEVOR: What are you doing?
(everyone, say hi! to Tim Russ, not yet a Vulcan)

May I recommend the 1993 "Journey to the Center of the Earth" TV movie (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dIKwrRDAsY&t=11s) if you want to see a pre-Tuvok Russ?

(Devor makes to attack Picard with the laser, so he throws the saddle at him. They wrestle then Picard neck-pinches him unconscious)

Phil Farrand suspects that it was Picard's mindmeld with Sarek that allowed him to neck-pinch. I'm doubtful. I can't help but feel that like every other time Vulcans make skin contact, there is a telepathic component involved. Especially when you consider all the times Spock neck pinched people from species that he'd never met before. So I have no clue how Picard did that. How Data can do it requires another theory.

RIKER: Geordi, what happened to the Captain?
LAFORGE: Oh, he went back to the ship to get his saddle.
RIKER: His saddle?
LAFORGE: Any serious rider would have his own saddle.
RIKER: Oh.

Round Two for the Rule of Three (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RuleOfThree). Had they tried to quadruple-dip this gag it would've backfired.

DEVOR: The baryon sweep uses a high-frequency plasma field. Your phaser won't work.
PICARD: You're probably right. But I'd like to bet this will. A laser welder can be deadly.

I have no problem with laser welders being simpler mechanically and thus still being functional, it's phasers not being able to handle a plasma field that bugs me. Come to think it of it, wouldn't a secondary beam for a phaser be a good idea? Only a single lethal setting, but using the minimal number of parts to ensure functionality in unusual situations like this?

DEVOR: You're Starfleet. You won't kill me.
PICARD: You sure?
(Picard hypos him instead)
PICARD: Seems you're right.

I'll skip the screed about Starfleet ethics regarding lethal force, but I can tell you it would've been a BIG one.

(Picard is caught trying to climb up. It's Patricia Tallman in alien makeup as Kiros)

Patricia Tallman was a regular on Babylon 5, but as SF Debris said once, her Trek work was as a stuntwoman. So I wouldn't get attached to her.

HUTCH: That's fascinating. Not too many people know this, but Tyrellia is one of only three known inhabited worlds without a magnetic pole.
DATA: I was aware of that. But are you aware that Tyrellia is one of seven known planets with no atmosphere whatsoever.

No magnetic pole? If there's a molten metal core there HAS to be a magnetic field around the planet. Furthermore, I have to think that a magnetic field is necessary for proper weather patterns to maintain Class M conditions.

No atmosphere whatsoever? Not so rare, but if we're talking about inhabited worlds it narrows things down significantly. I can't imagine the inhabitants are anywhere near humanoid, they'd have to be closer to the Companion or a Horta.

TROI: They're still at it.
RIKER: Non-stop. I have to admit it has a certain strange fascination. How long can two people talk about nothing?

Eight years if Seinfeld is to be believed.

NEIL: Okay. That should do it. I think.
KELSEY: (did I mention she's a redhead?) Be sure, Neil.

Hey Chakoteya, what does her being a redhead have to do with ANYTHING? Are you sharing a fetish, tapping into a cliche, or what?

[Nate the Great]

KELSEY: Who are you?
PICARD: My name is Mot. I'm the barber.

Mot actually only made two on-screen appearances (three if you count cut scenes), which surprised me. There were a few other Bolian barbers seen in other episodes, it's unknown if any of them were supposed to be Mot.

TROI: They haven't tried to communicate with the outside.
RIKER: No demands, no political statements, no theft. They must want something.

I can't imagine anything here is worthy of theft (except Data, of course). I can't imagine how this would be a good chance to make a political statement. So blackmail or ransom would be the obvious reason.

CRUSHER: I've adjusted the optical transducer in his visor to block some of the pain receptors in his brain.

For once the Treknobabble makes sense. A transducer is something that converts energy from one form into another. All sound devices, antennas, and sensors contain them.

How Crusher did this without tools is a surprise. I can't imagine that the VISOR has styluses stored inside to manipulate the circuitry.

PICARD: I would rather destroy the ship than allow that material to fall into the hands of terrorists.
KELSEY: What makes you think I'm a terrorist?
PICARD: Trilithium resin is a highly toxic waste product produced by our engines.
PICARD [OC]: It's only possible use could be as a weapon.

That's sure the only use that Sisko found for it.

KIROS [OC]: I have Mott.
KELSEY: Is he alive?
KIROS [OC]: Yes.

I think you mean, "Who's Mott? We're looking for Mot!" Sorry, but after his earlier quips I had to take a potshot at Chakoteya.

KELSEY: I'm not a terrorist Captain, nor do I have a political agenda, although I know some people who do have agendas. And they are very interested in this little container.
PICARD: Profit. This is all about profit.
KELSEY: I prefer to think of it as commerce.

The whole "I prefer to call it something not quite as offensive" thing is a cliche that needs to be eliminated from the writer's handbook. There's only so many ways to do it well, and that usually requires a pun or other double-meaning. You can't play it straight anymore and extract any entertainment from it.

WORF: Captain, you keep a saddle on board?
RIKER: Mister Worf, I'm surprised at you.
CRUSHER: Anyone who is an experienced rider naturally has his own saddle.
TROI: It's perfectly normal.

Actually, of anyone on board I would expect Worf to understand the importance of a saddle. Klingons would have their own equivalent to a horse that is still used in battles, wouldn't they?

Memory Alpha

* It's pointed out that Archer and McCoy also failed to learn the nerve pinch post mind-meld.
* The difference between the trilithium of Generations and the trilithium resin of this episode is discussed.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Why doesn't Picard head for a shuttlebay or the Captain's Yacht? In the Yacht's (AKA the Callipso's) case I would have to imagine that the launch sequence requires a lot more assistance from outside to undock the ship.
* Phil is confused about the humor from Worf's final "of course", his only theory is that it's a Mr. Ed joke. It's just Worf being deadpan and going along with his captain, you don't need to overthink it, Phil!
* The Tarellians are mentioned, a race that was last seen in "Haven" and consisting of a small group of Typhoid Marys that Wyatt was trying to help. I'll have to assume that they're not the same race.
* Someone messed up the digits in the stardate, because otherwise somehow Worf escaped the Romulan prison camp for one mission before being sent back.
* One of the weapons the thieves used is a Varon T disruptor, last seen in "The Most Toys" as something that only one of exists outside of Fajo's collection. It's a surprise that a common thief would be using such a weapon for a simple theft.

[NAHTMMM]

Ba'el: Is that a d'k tahg in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

This joke is overused.
Agreed.

Tokath: Worf must be executed, since we can't imagine....
Worf: All the people -- don't agree.
Toq: Kill him, but kill me first.
Ba'el: No, me. I'm sick of hearing all these song lyrics.

My Google Fu failed me this time. Explanation?
You've never Imagined all the people living lives in pe-e-e-eeace?

Data: This message comes with a Klingon emoticon.
Picard: Come again?
Data: Three beginning angles, one ending angle, a colon, and a start parenthesis.

Beginning angle? Could someone translate this one?
Pointy brackets, I presume. <<<>:(

[Nate the Great]

April 3rd, 1993, "Lessons"

I have a big problem with the entire premise of this episode. Picard should know better. Furthermore, this isn't like Troi and Riker, you can't dangle the Picard/Crusher carrot for this long and still act like they can date other people. Vash was an unusual situation, Jenice Manheim was an unusual situation.

"But, Nate!" I hear you cry. "They still had to work out their guilt and discomfort from Jack's death!" Sorry, no dice. It was made perfectly clear that all of the guilt was on Picard's side. Even at Farpoint Crusher considered him a friend. Had they not bee in the same chain of command she probably would've accepted a date offer five years ago!

DATA: I'm sorry, sir, but Stellar Cartography has requested a communications blackout while they run an experiment.

This needed to be explained better. All that we needed was a sentence about how why this is necessary, perhaps they're pushing the sensor range and want as little interference as possible.

PICARD: Computer, display the latest excavation schematics on Landris Two.
COMPUTER: Library computer is temporarily offline.
PICARD: Explain.
COMPUTER: Library systems have been allocated to Stellar Cartography.

What? There are THREE computer cores for a reason! If you're telling me that pushing the long-range sensors requires all three cores I'm going to laugh you out of the room!

And frankly, the bridge should have a dedicated mini-core for the exclusive use of the senior staff.

PICARD: Tea, Earl Grey. Hot.
COMPUTER: Replicator systems are offline at the request of
PICARD + COMPUTER: Stellar Cartography.

Now this is just being mean. The processor power occupied by the replicators is a drop in the bucket. Furthermore, turning of the Captain's replicator without the Captain's permission sounds like a court-martial offense to me!

NELLA: In or out, just close that door. And don't move. It'll take a second for our eyes to re-adjust.

You do know that aren't any actual optical telescopes on the Enterprise, right? You're turning off the lights for no reason!

NELLA: Forget it. Lights. Whoever you are, you just ruined four hours of work.
PICARD: You might have taken the simple precaution of locking the door.
NELLA: It's three o'clock in the morning. Captain Picard.

And? The Romulans aren't going to wait for "daytime" on the Enterprise to attack! People will be walking back and forth 24/7.

For that matter, how did Picard ruin four hours of work? Don't even think of telling me that they're using camera film that's easy to overexpose!

NELLA: Earl Grey? No wonder you can't sleep. Computer, bring replicators back online and give me a cup of Daren herbal tea blend number three, hot. You shouldn't be drinking a stimulant at this time of night. I think you'll like this.

I'm really getting annoyed by the implication that you have to specify hot tea. Only blends of tea that can plausibly be served hot or cold should need the clarification.

(Picard tries it and pulls a face, but anyone who can drink hot Bergamot shouldn't criticise other blends)

This is no time for editorializing, Chakoteya!

NELLA: I'm sorry if the system blackouts we requested inconvenienced you. We're taking very precise gravimetric readings. It wouldn't have taken much to throw them off.

Yeah, I don't buy it. The whole point of gravity is that it's not thrown off so easily.

(Picard is listening to the 3rd Brandenburg with an unfamiliar instrument in it, when the doorbell chimes)

Written by Bach, the Brandenburg Concerto No. 3 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdsyNwUoON0) sounds rather middle-of-the-road in terms of classical music. I hesitate to say "boring", but certainly "unadventurous."

NELLA: What kind of flute is that?
PICARD: It's Ressikan.
NELLA: I've never saw one before.
PICARD: They're not made anymore.

Oh come on, there have to be Ferengi knockoffs by now. Incidentally, considering that this thing is one of a kind, shouldn't it be in a museum by now?

PICARD: There isn't a piano.
NELLA: Ah, but there is.
(she unrolls a keyboard on the coffee table)

You shouldn't be surprised to learn that the "rolled" version of the piano is a different prop from the "flat" version. I don't doubt that such an instrument would be useful aboard ship. Would anyone really pay to ship a full-sized grand piano to their quarters?

(she plays Frere Jacque and they do the roundel)

A roundel is a poem that cycles.

NELLA: Tell me, have you known him long?
CRUSHER: Yes, a very long time.

She's known Picard since at least 2348 when she married Jack. I'd say that twenty years counts as "a very long time".

NELLA: He seems somewhat isolated.
CRUSHER: I'd say he's a very private person, but not isolated.

Just because he's isolated from the Enterprise crew doesn't mean that he doesn't have friends. We've seen that he knows most of the archeologists in the Federation and has any number of exgirlfriends running around out there.

NELLA: Do you know where we are?
PICARD: Yes, this is the fourth intersect in Jefferies tube twenty five.

Please tell me he snuck a glance at a panel to say this. If you're going to tell me that people in the future can memorize every Jefferies Tube junction on the ship I'm going to call you crazy.

NELLA: No, this is the most acoustically perfect spot on the ship.
(she starts up the Moonlight Sonata on her keyboard)

The Moonlight Sonata (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Tr0otuiQuU) was written by Beethoven in 1801.

(he plays what seems like a variation of the Skye Boat song)

I've covered the similarities between the Skye Boat (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqk1LlBViF0) song and "The Inner Light" before, but it seems odd that Chakoteya wouldn't just say "The Inner Light." Aside from one stanza the two songs aren't really that similar anyway.

(Geordi can hear the music, and goes into the main Jefferies tube access to investigate)
DATA: Is there a problem, Geordi?
LAFORGE: I hear music.
DATA: Music? I do not hear anything.
LAFORGE: Are you sure? I know I heard something. Oh, it's stopped.
(because the musicians are kissing)

Why can't Data hear the music?

NELLA: I'd heard about Kerelian tenors all my life, but nothing could've prepared me for this man's voice.

Only mention of Kerelians. Insert another request for a TOS reference. This time I would expect the Platonians or similar.

PICARD: Sit down, Counsellor. I want to talk to you about a matter of protocol. I know there are no Starfleet regulations about a Captain becoming involved with a fellow officer, but--

There isn't? That's another screed that could be written!

TROI: That's true. But cutting yourself off from your feelings can carry consequences that are just as serious.
PICARD: You seem I've always believed that becoming involved with someone under my command would compromise my objectivity. And yet...

And yet...what? The tradition exists for a reason and you're going to prove why! That's one place where this episode falls short, it doesn't really do a good job showing all sides of an issue.

TROI: Captain, are you asking my permission?
PICARD: If I were, would you give it?
TROI: Yes.

If anything I would want Beverly's permission! This is one place where the "ship's counselor as member of senior staff" thing falls apart. Kirk asked Spock and McCoy for advice as friends, and it really seems like Picard isn't doing the same thing with Troi here.

RIKER: It's about Lieutenant Commander Daren. As a department head, she comes to me for systems allocation, personnel transfers, things like that. I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable with her requests.
PICARD: Because of her relationship with me?
RIKER: Yes, sir.
PICARD: Are her requests unusual?
RIKER: No.
PICARD: Would you say that she's just trying to do her job?
RIKER: Yes, sir.
PICARD: Then let her do it, and feel free to do yours.

Like SF Debris said, Riker is acting wimpy here. If Nella HAD made an unreasonable request (i.e. playing the Picard card), that would be one thing. But here Riker is acting quite wimpy, totally unlike the guy who stared down a Borg cube and saved the Alpha Quadrant.

NELLA: What about that special dessert you promised me?
PICARD: Right. Now this is something that I first tasted on Thelka Four--

Yet another solo reference. I'm a little shocked that one of the novels hasn't covered Picard's visit to Thelka IV.

(a different one, with Guy Vardeman at the transporter controls)

Guy Vardaman (https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Guy_Vardaman) was a bit player in TNG, often as a shooting double for Spiner. After TNG ended he worked on startrek.com for a few years and also a Trek magazine. I wonder if Chakoteya is a fan.

Memory Alpha

* The prop guys messed up the key layout for the portable piano, the expert they brought in almost had a fit about it.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Where did Daren get the phasers that she used on the storm? She wasn't carrying one when she beamed down.
* Why couldn't Nella be a civilian scientist like Keiko?

[Nate the Great]

April 26th, 1993, "The Chase"

Ah yes, the episode that should've either been expanded into two episodes or ditched the assembled aliens.

No fiver

The Episode

Captain's log, Stardate 46731.5. We are in the midst of the Volterra nebula, a stellar nursery. Our three week mission is a routine analysis of several dozen protostars in various stages of development.

Grrr. I get that the Enterprise is a great all-purpose mobile laboratory, but the flagship should never be doing three-week missions floating around a nebula. This is prime science vessel territory.

DATA: Captain, I have completed the spectral evaluation of the outer shell. Our survey of this protostar is complete.
PICARD: Ensign, lay in a course to the next one, three quarters impulse.

I'm going to be generous and say that they need to clear the protostar's gravity well before they can engage warp. Even so, I do question why three-quarters impulse would be safer than full impulse in this case.

PICARD: Green polychrome over the eyes, and the eyes themselves are closed. This is third Dynasty. From the workshop of the Master of Tarquin Hill.
GALEN: Well done.

Memory Beta says that the Master of Tarquin Hill was a Trill and that Kurl was a Trill colony world. Well, that's weird. Sorry, but I don't buy the Trill being a warp-capable race for over a thousand years.

GALEN: Go ahead.
PICARD: You mean it's complete?
(Picard raises the top half of the pot to reveal a cluster of little pots inside it)

I still remember Picard's facial expression when he reveals the inner statues. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIRQF8PPvUU)

PICARD: Will, the Kurlan civilisation believed that an individual was a community of individuals. Inside us are many voices, each with its own desires, its own style, its own view of the world.

I like to think that this isn't supposed to refer to multiple personality disorder, just that our personalities get compartmentalized into various roles. We all have our "work self", "school self", "family self", etc. Some people have more trouble than others switching between these mindsets.

Captain's log, supplemental. It's been over thirty years since I last saw my archaeology professor.

Picard graduated in 2327. It's now 2369. Assuming that he was Galen's student at the Academy, that's more like forty years. Oops. Unless you're going to try to convince me that he went back for more classes at a later date.

GALEN: Are you familiar with micropaleontology?
PICARD: Yes, it's the study of fossil records at the microscopic level.

Once you get microscopic, I'm not sure you can call it "paleontology" anymore. A different branch of historical biology, perhaps.

PICARD: I'm deeply honoured that you'd think of me, but I have responsibilities.
GALEN: To History. What if you could have helped Schliemann discover the City of Troy, or been with M'Tell as she first stepped on Ya'Seem.

Heinrich Schliemann was a German businessman in the nineteenth century. As an archaeologist he was an amateur, focusing on ancient Mediterranean civilizations in particular and the Greek sites mentioned by Homer in particular. Prior to his work people were looking in the wrong spot for the ancient city of Troy. He found another incorrect Troy before finding the real one.

I actually remember Schliemann for something other than Troy. Louisa May Alcott mentions him in the concluding paragraphs of her Little Women book series:

It is a strong temptation to the weary historian to close the present tale with an earthquake which should engulf Plumfield and its environs so deeply in the bowels of the earth that no youthful Schliemann could ever find a vestige of it.

PICARD: I couldn't leave the Enterprise. But the offer raised in me certain feelings of regret.
CRUSHER: That you could have been an archaeologist and not a starship Captain?
PICARD: No, not really. I'm not sorry for the path I chose.

As SF Debris says, it's good that they didn't go down this cliched path. The Road Not Taken is a screenwriting crutch that is rarely used well.

Although it does make you wonder why the Atlantis Project was so tempting to him, that's not his area of science.

GALEN: You're like some Roman centurion out patrolling the provinces, maintenancing a dull and bloated Empire.

I'm not sure how well this metaphor works. There's a screed to be had here, but I won't be writing one.

WORF: A Yridian destroyer.

A Yridian destroyer? Those weak information merchants who would collapse in a stiff breeze? THEY built a warship?

TROI: I meant, how's it going with you?
PICARD: If I had gone with him.

You would've died, too. Maybe you're a better pilot and gunner than Galen was, but at best you would've bought a bit more time. Not enough to save Galen.

PICARD: Counsellor, this is not simply a case of me taking the Enterprise and its crew on some wild goose chase to purge myself of guilt and remorse. I will not let Galen's death to be in vain. Now, if that means inconveniencing a few squabbling delegates for a few days, then so be it. I will take the full responsibility.

Y'know for someone with Picard's skill as a mediator, this is a little cold-blooded.

PICARD: There's only one planet in the Kurlan system capable of supporting life. Loren Three.

You do realize that planets capable of supporting life NOW aren't necessarily able to support life billions of years ago, and vice-versa, right?

OCETT [on viewscreen]: My name is Gul Ocett. Identify yourselves and state your business in this star system.
(tara ra boom di ay - it's Linda Thorsen under the latex)

Chakoteya must be a fan of The Avengers, she was Steed's companion afterD Diana Rigg (Emma Peel) left.

RIKER: We used the inertial dampers to simulate complete shield failure.

I have no idea how this is supposed to work given my expertiese in Treknology.

PICARD: The programme has been activated. I think it's reconfiguring the tricorder.
NU'DAQ: We die together, Brother. Tash Koh Tah.
PICARD: It's modifying the emitter diode to project something.

Yeah, this is complete nonsense.

(the tricorder projects a hologram. It's Salome Jens in a blank latex head, the first but not the last she will wear on Trek)

It's sad how many people think that the Progenitors HAVE to be related to the Founders due to the recycled actress.

ROMULAN [on monitor]: Captain, my ships are leaving orbit for Romulan space. Until our next encounter.
PICARD: Until then.
ROMULAN [on monitor]: It would seem that we are not completely dissimilar after all, in our hopes, or in our fears.
PICARD: Yes.
ROMULAN [on monitor]: Well, then. Perhaps, one day.
PICARD: One day.

As stated on the Heartwarming page over at TV Tropes, this bit can tie back to "The Defector" and even "Balance of Terror". "In another reality, I could have called you friend."

Memory Alpha

* Ronald Moore considered making it explicit that the Progenitors were the Preservers, but decided to not make it direct. It was made clear in the novel Federation and the Shatnerverse, neither of which will remotely fit into even the regular novelverse canon. Star Trek Online finally made it explicit, for whatever definition of "canon" you want to apply to STO.
* Ocett is the only female Gul ever seen in canon.
* This is the first time Klingons, Romulans, and Cardassians were in the same episode.
* Picard discarding the naiskos in Generations was mentioned. I must admit that it seems odd that something as fragile as the naiskos was kept on the ship. At least the Mintakan tapestry he kept on his chair was more durable than a clay statue.

Nitpicker's Guide

* In "Lessons" the stars outside Picard's quarters moved towards the ship (i.e. his quarters are near the bow). In this episode the stars move across the window (i.e. his quarters are on the starboard side). Phil suspects that after the Nella Darren fiasco Picard had to change quarters.
* Wouldn't the Federation have laws against plundering ruins? The naiskos really do belong in a museum after all. Of course, this observation made me imagine Picard in Indiana Jones clothese, hehe.
* The odds against all of the races occupying the area seeded by the Projenitors having the same technology level is incredible.
* Salome Jens' projection has a shadow! This isn't likely to be a solid hologram, after all.

[Nate the Great]

May 3rd, 1993, "Frame of Mind"

Oh, this is going to hurt. Like I've said many times, I don't like plots where people are thought to be crazy.

Fiver by Scott Z (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=frameofmind)

The Episode

CRUSHER: No. Why don't we take a break for tonight? I think we've made a lot of progress.
RIKER: I'm still not comfortable with that final speech.
CRUSHER: There's such a thing as over-rehearsing, Will. You're going to be fine.

Oh boy, can I concur. When you study for too long the law of diminishing returns DEFINITELY kicks in and you're just wasting time.

RIKER: Maybe I'm just not right for this part.
DATA: Most humanoids have the potential to be irrational. Perhaps you should attempt to access that part of your psyche.

It's too late in the series for Data to be this literal. There are people who can put on the coat of irrationality and take it off later without problem and there are others who can't.

I'm reminded of an interview that Gene Roddenberry had with DeForest Kelley. De talks about how his persona blends with every role he plays. If he played Jack the Ripper he'd be influenced by that persona while playing the part, but he could still drop the influence when the role is over.

RIKER: Tilonus Four? Didn't their government just collapse?
PICARD: It's in a state of total anarchy. When the Prime Minister was assassinated, a Federation research team was on the planet. It's believed that they were forced into hiding. Your mission will be to locate and to evacuate them.

Ugh. As I've said before it's crazy every time they imply that Starfleet Security can't secure ONE BUILDING. Furthermore this research team should have a shuttle in orbit for a quick beamaway when necessary.

PICARD: Apparently, some of the factions have resorted to torture to gather their information. Well, a Starfleet research team would be a prime target.
RIKER: Then I'll have to go down there alone, undercover.
PICARD: Agreed.

Really? Why is that? Not even a two-man team would work? For that matter, why is Riker a better choice than Worf for this mission?

TROI: Sometimes it's healthy to explore the darker sides of the psyche. Jung called it owning your own shadow. This could be a sign that you're a real actor. This is becoming more than just a role to you.
RIKER: Maybe you're right.
TROI: Don't be afraid of your darker side. Have fun with it.

Oh boy, how often has THAT backfired in Trek? "Darkling" springs to mind immediately.

RIKER: No, I'll check them tomorrow. I'm going to bed early. The performance is tomorrow night. I want to be up for it.
TROI: I'm looking forward to it. Break a leg.

I thought I knew the origin of the expression, but I guess not. Either the idea is using reverse psychology to trick a curse into a blessing, or it's based on a pun in Yiddish. Whatever.

RIKER: Now, if what you say is true, where am I?
SYRUS: You're in Ward forty seven of the Tilonus Institute for Mental Disorders.

This might be the most obvious 47 that I've ever seen.

JAYA: I hear you're a Starfleet officer. I'm Commander Bloom from the Yorktown. There are at least a dozen of us here, maybe more. We were kidnapped, brought here against our will. Sanders was on the Yosemite. They did something to his mind. I think they're trying to get neurochemicals from our brains. Stafko was with me on the Yorktown. I don't know what they did to him. We're going to get out of here. I've made a communicator.
RIKER: You have?
JAYA: Yes. There are three starships in orbit. They're going to beam us out of here any day now. I'll tell them to get you out, too. (into spoon) Lieutenant Bloom to Yorktown. Come in, Yorktown. I've made contact with another officer.

I would be suspicious at this turn of events. In the real world there's no way a mentally ill person could create a story that cohesive and long.

At this point the Yorktown is a Zodiac-class ship, NCC-61137. The Yosemite is Oberth-class, NCC-19002.

And the rest of the episode can be ignored because it's just Riker bouncing back and forth doubting his own sanity. I HATE those kind of plots.

I've already said that I don't revisit shows like Equinox and Course: Oblivion. Shows where the characters are suffering, suffering, suffering with no reprieve is NOT ENTERTAINMENT to me.

The Fiver

Picard: Some of the factions on Tilonus IV have resorted to torture to gain their information.
Riker: You mean...?
Picard: I'm afraid so. They've started airing reruns from the Home Shopping Network archives.
Riker: I feel faint....

Wow, you can really tell the fiver was written in 2001. We could come up with way more painful forms of farcical torture these days.

Mavek: Dr. Syrus thought you might enjoy some time in the common area.
Riker: Why, what goes on there?
Mavek: We throw you nutcases together in a room and take bets on which one's the craziest.
Riker: Sounds good. I'll put twenty bars of latinum down on the one who's going to end up playing the Borg Queen.

My first question is "which Borg Queen?" Apparently it's Suzanna Thompson, the Voyager Borg Queen actress (not counting the finale when First Contact Alice Kringe stole her thunder, of course).

Riker: To demonstrate my sheer strength, I will now tear down this set with my bare hands.
Crusher: Quick, Deanna, get the holocamera!
Troi: Why?
Crusher: (morphing into Syrus) I want to capture the look on his face when he discovers this really is an asylum. Muahahahahaha....

NOT FUNNY.

Nitpicker's Guide

* If Riker was surgically altered to look like a local, why is he human in the asylum?
* Why wasn't a subcutaneous transponder used for this mission?

[Nate the Great]

May 10th, 1993, "Suspicions"

Fiver by Derek (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=suspicions)

The Episode

CRUSHER: You'd better go to Sickbay. I think Doctor Selar's on duty.

Selar really got the shaft in TNG. The planned romance arc with Worf never would've worked, but there were other things that she could've done. Furthermore, I'm insulted at the idea at the time that you can't recycle actors. DS9 did it all the time and nobody complained. Selar and K'Ehleyr were completely different people.

CRUSHER: That's why I went to the Altine Conference. I'd heard about a new subspace technology developed by a Ferengi, a Doctor Reyga.
GUINAN: A Ferengi scientist. Hmm.
CRUSHER: His invention was based on metaphasic fields, but his methodology was completely unorthodox.

I'm all for characters having interests beyond their profession, but this one never made much sense. Her interests in the theatre or dancing made sense, this one doesn't. I suppose as someone who likes to command the ship every so often she'd me more up to date on the latest tech than Troi or Guinan would, but that still doesn't translate.

I do like Doctor Reyga, though. It's always good to see Ferengi that aren't driven by profit.

CRUSHER: Yes. I hoped I could be a facilitator. I thought if I invited scientists from various cultures to board the Enterprise, I could sit them and down help them understand the value of his ideas.
GUINAN: Like a scientific diplomat.

I'm curious about how Crusher has the "pull" to assemble these scientists. It stands to reason that in the scientific community she would be more well-known than Pulaski or Selar, but not to this level. It's sad to think that these guys are using her to get more widespread recognition. Not everyone gets to do experiments on the Enterprise, after all.

CRUSHER [OC]: Kurak was a warp field specialist on the Klingon Homeworld. I don't think Klingons regard scientists very highly. She always seemed a little defensive.

This seems odd. I wouldn't expect Klingons to respect ALL scientists, but anything to do with starship engineering would be the exception, wouldn't it? If you can make the ships go faster or use less power for speed that could be diverted to weapons, that would be something worth honoring.

CRUSHER: Doctor Reyga has offered to demonstrate his invention. He's outfitted one of our shuttles with his metaphasic shield.
REYGA: I will take it into the corona of the star Vaytan.
CHRISTOPHER: That star has a superdense corona. The shuttle would be subjected to particularly intense radiation. Perhaps it would be wise to choose a star of lesser magnitude.
T'PAN: I agree. My own research into solar energy transfer suggests that Vaytan's corona is extremely unstable.
REYGA: What better way to test my invention? I'm not concerned. The shield will hold.

Yeah, this seems foolhardy. There has to be a "safer" (in whatever context you could apply that word in this situation) star around.

REYGA: Well, if there's anything I'm used to, it's scepticism. After all, a Ferengi scientist is almost a contradiction in terms. No, don't deny it. I know how the Ferengi are regarded.

Thank goodness that we're not going to bother with this plot point beyond acknowledging it. Far too much time could've been wasted on the Ferengi proving himself as a legitimate scientist.

For that matter, why would engineering be something that the Ferengi look down on? You need ships to reach potential customers, and getting there faster would mean getting an edge on your competition. If anything I would expect a Ferengi from a rival science coalition to be sneaking around trying to sabotage or steal the prototype shuttle.

JO'BRIL [on viewscreen]: I am one million kilometres from the star's corona. Proceeding at three quarters impulse. I should reach it in approximately three minutes.

I was about to do the math, but the Memory Alpha page for Impulse Engine did it for me. The speed he's quoting is an order of magnitude smaller than the "full impulse=1/4 times the speed of light" standard used elsewhere in the TNG era. Oops.

RIKER: What's going on, Mister Data?
DATA: Sensors indicate an increased level of baryon particles in the cabin.
REYGA: No! That's not possible.

"Baryon" just means "protons and neutrons". Trek uses the term wrong all the time. I don't understand how an increased heat or radiation level would spontaneously create atomic nuclei.

CRUSHER: I mean, I've lost patients before.
GUINAN: But this was different.
CRUSHER: Mmm.
GUINAN: You know, when you're a doctor and you have patients, you're in control. But when you send someone out on a mission, all you can do is sit and watch.
CRUSHER: That's what I felt. Helpless.

It occurs to me that this whole plotline would've worked better with Pulaski. Crusher has command training, which would've included the same "be able to order someone to die" stuff that Troi had to go through. Pulaski never went through that training.

CRUSHER: I've never run into a humanoid species like this before. His internal physiology's baffling. He doesn't seem to have any discrete organs, at least not in the traditional sense. Practically every system is equally distributed throughout the body. That kind of physiology should make him incredibly resistant to injury, so whatever killed him must have occurred at the cellular level.

This seems odd. Jo'Bril's species (the Takarans) aren't Federation members, so why did Crusher invite him in the first place? And even if it made sense to invite him, Crusher would've insisted on doing complete scans in case something went wrong. She should've been more prepared. This also reflects on McCoy's lack of medical knowledge of Klingons in the Undiscovered Country, but that's a whole other screed.

PICARD: Beverly. I'm afraid there will be no autopsy. The family has already been contacted. They insist that the body must not be touched until they perform the Ferengi death ritual.

I'll skip the Divine Treasury/dessicated disc stuff that hasn't been invented yet. My question is why Crusher can't ask to perform an autopsy on what's left of him AFTER the death ritual.

CRUSHER: Don't worry. I know I'm not supposed to be here. I'll go.
OGAWA: Computer, access autopsy files.
OGAWA: I assume you'll need the files on Doctor Reyga and Jo'Bril?
CRUSHER: Alyssa.
OGAWA: I can

see how important this is to you.
CRUSHER: I don't want you to get involved in this.
OGAWA: Is that an order, Doctor?
CRUSHER: Yes.
OGAWA: Too bad you're not my boss now.

Thank goodness they didn't waste time on Ogawa's mutiny. STIV already said everything that needed to be said.

JO'BRIL: I'm sending out a transient subspace signal. It will obscure the shuttle from the Enterprise sensors and they will interpret it as a warp engine breach. They will believe that you have been destroyed. I'd like to thank you, Doctor.

While I have no doubt that a warp core breach would have an effect on subspace, I think there are other things that will be absent in this fakery. Radiation from a massive matter-antimatter reaction, for one thing. Plus that whole lack of debris thing.

Chief Medical Officer's log, stardate 46831.2. I have been reinstated and I will be resuming my duties shortly.

What? You still defiled Reyga's body and defied orders! All loose ends cannot possibly be tied up this easily. At least do something akin to Riker in "The Pegasus" and say that there's going to be more investigation offscreen. Maybe a demotion to Lieutenant Commander and having to be recertified as a Bridge officer in a future episode.

[Nate the Great]

The Fiver

Guinan: Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
Crusher: Then don't do that! Zing!

That joke is so old that it's positively creaky.

Crusher: I remember when I first met the crazy wide-eyed Ferengi scientist Dr. Reyga.
Reyga: Marty! You've got to come back to the future with me!
Crusher: Uh, no, more like --

Good thing 1985-A Biff wasn't around.

Reyga: I'm going to fly a ship directly into the sun!
Crusher: Won't your ship burn up?
Reyga: Nah, I'll go at night.

Ouch, the lameness of that one hurt.

Crusher: However, in a desperate grab for screentime, I decided to hold a conference on Dr. Reyga's ideas anyway. The first thing I made the attendees do was introduce themselves.
Kurak: I'm a Klingon engineer or scientist or something. Just think of me as Torres's Klingon half.

Not really. You're more like what Torres THOUGHT her Klingon half was before "Faces."

T'Pan: I'm the head of the Vulcan Science Academy and I'm only here to tell all of you that the Vulcan Science Directorate has concluded that anything you plan to do is impossible.

Enterprise jokes don't cut much ice with me. I think it's because there aren't that many of them to be had, the plot and characters never had much depth.

Christopher: And I'm here to reverse the stereotype of Vulcan male/Human female.

Actually Vulcan man/human woman really only happened with Spock. In the broader Trek mythos it was usually the other way around. I'm most reminded of Daniel Corrigan and T'Mir from Jean Lorrah's TOS novels.

Reyga: My metaphasic shield will work! I just need your help developing the shield.
T'Pan: The Vulcan Science Directorate has concluded that metaphasics is impossible.
Reyga: But I built a prototype!
T'Pan: The Vulcan Science Directorate has concluded that prototypes are impossible.

This joke wasn't strong enough for repeat use. Or maybe I just hate Enterprise that much.

Jo'Bril: Please let me out of here! I'm going to DIE!
Reyga: He's talking, so he must still be okay.
Jo'Bril: GAK!
Reyga: What, he's dead? Why didn't he try to warn us?

I still think GAK should be reserved for real death and ACK be used for fake deaths.

Picard: Unfortunately, you can't do an autopsy. His family wants to bury him in one piece.
Crusher: One piece? I thought Ferengi chopped up their dead and sold them in little containers!
Picard: They plan to do that after they bury him. They said it was "paydirt."

That pun hurt.

Data: Sir, someone just launched a shuttle.
Picard: Data, you don't need to say "someone". We all know it's the Doctor. Hail her.
Data: O great and healing Doctor, wisdom is your name! We extol your --
Picard: That's not what I meant, Data.
Data: My bad. Firing hailstones at the shuttle....

Jokes that would never work with anyone else have a tendency to work with Data. He really is the perfect straight man...

Crusher: Hey, Guinan. Thanks for the stabbing earlier. It really helped me out.
Guinan: Oh, no worries. I like to do it to help people out, or when they make bad puns, or when they're Q.
Crusher: Well, I bought you a whole set of forks for the future. That way the forks will be with you always.
Guinan: You obviously weren't paying attention to what I just said.

Hehe...

Memory Alpha

* Final appearance of Guinan before Generations. She really never appeared in the seventh season? That's news to me.
* The disconnect with the DS9 version of Ferengi death rites is brought up, along with the idea that it was all skipped because Reyga wasn't a great businessman.

Nitpicker's Guide

* How did Jo'Brill get out of the morgue, find his clothes, sneak to the shuttlebay, and hide himself before Crusher got there?
* Phil also brings up Beverly's unresolved legal problems.

[Nate the Great]

May 17th, 1993, "Rightful Heir"

Fiver by Marc (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=rightfulheir)

The Episode

RIKER: Interesting night?
DATA: I found it extremely interesting. The lateral sensor arrays ran three separate spectral analyses of the Alawanir Nebula on three distinct frequencies.
RIKER: Sorry I missed it.
DATA: I will have the report sent to you, sir.

I'm having trouble with the idea that Data doesn't understand sarcasm yet. On the other hand, wouldn't the first officer have to read the report anyway?

RIKER: He's never late. Riker to Lieutenant Worf. Computer, locate Lieutenant Worf.
COMPUTER: Lieutenant Worf is in his quarters.
RIKER: Something's wrong. Mister Data, you have the Bridge. Security team, meet me on deck seven, section twenty five baker.

You'd think "Mr. Worf's quarters" would be adequate. Incidentally, Section 25 is the slice of the saucer that would be at 8:30 o'clock if you imagine Ten Forward at 12 o'clock and Shuttlebay One at 6 o'clock. Presumably "Baker" refers to a ring at a certain distance from the center.

WORF: It is difficult to explain.
PICARD: Try.

Stewart's performance of that "Try" is classic.

WORF: Ever since I returned from the Carraya system I have felt empty.
PICARD: Does this have something to do with the Klingons you rescued from Carraya Four?

I thought Worf lied about the events of "Birthright" to protect the hidden prison camp there. Y'know, because if the prisoner's existence was known to the other Klingons a lot of people would become dishonored and it could start a Klingon-Romulan war?

Granted, it stands to reason that he would tell the senior officers and Starfleet Intelligence about this, but we were never explicitly told this.

PICARD: Is that what you're doing here? Trying to recapture those feelings?
WORF: Yes. I was trying to summon a vision of Kahless.
PICARD: It's a pity you didn't try using the holodeck instead of setting fire to your quarters.
WORF: Using the holodeck would not have been appropriate. Everything had to be real if Kahless were to appear.

I'm reminded of the times that Chakotay was allowed to leave the ship to do his religious stuff. Furthermore, why wouldn't Worf ask for shore leave to do this?

PICARD: Have you lost your faith in Sto-Vo-Kor?
WORF: To lose something, one must first possess it. I am not sure I ever had a true belief.

This doesn't make sense. Worf has always followed the Klingon culture even more rigidly than other Klingons in order to feel a connection with his people. Furthermore, it was made clear that the Roshenkos encouraged his exploration of his culture. For that matter, if he wasn't sure of what he was telling the young people on Carraya Four, why would he do it in the first place?

PICARD: Boreth is only twelve days from here by shuttle.

I get that people in the future have better memories than we do, but I will never grant that it extends to this degree. Odds are Picard hasn't thought about Boreth in decades, there's no way that he would know where it is relative to the Enterprise OR can do warp travel calculations in his head.

KOROTH: You're leaving us?
WORF: It has been ten days, Koroth. I have had no visions. I have received no insight. There is nothing here for me.

You can't rush spiritual experiences. If you could guarantee contact with the divine by doing A, B, and C everyone would do that.

KOROTH: What is the Story of the Promise, Worf?
WORF: When Kahless had united our people and gave them the laws of honour, he saw that his work was done. So one night he gathered his belongings and departed for the edge of the city to say goodbye.

Actually Kahless just told the people what they wanted to know so he could get away from the fame that he'd earned by "killing" Molor. I really would rather read the novel Kahless rather than watch this episode.

WORF: Then Kahless said, 'You are Klingons. You need no one but yourselves. I will go now to Sto-Vo-Kor. But I promise one day I will return.' Then Kahless pointed to a star in the sky and said, 'Look for me there, on that point of light.'
KOROTH: So here we are, on a world circling that distant point of light.

This is patently absurd. Kahless lived in a medieval period, astronomy was in its infancy at that point. There's no chance that they would have accurate starmaps, so there's no chance that his followers could write down the precise star.

(And the novel makes it clear that this was total nonsense. Kahless was trying to get rid of these rubes so he could escape his fame.)

(a figure appears)
WORF: I see Kahless.

How does he know what Kahless looks like? Furthermore, even if there were accurate paintings available, this guy wouldn't look like it because the blood they cloned from isn't actually Kahless' (it's his brother Morag, read the novel).

KAHLESS: I have returned. You doubt me. Who here knows the story of how this sword was forged?

THIS sword? That's a random bat'leth, the Sword of Kahless is currently in some Hur'q ruins in the Gamma Quadrant.

KAHLESS: I went into the mountains, all the way to the volcano at Kri'stak. There I cut off a lock of my hair and thrust it into the river of molten rock which poured from the summit. The hair began to burn. Then I plunged it into the lake of Lusor and twisted it into this sword.

Hair combined with lava is basically lava. You can't forge a sword from it. Any iron or aluminum in lava is in very small amounts. You'd have to refine the lava quite a bit to get swordworthy material.

The real Kahless made up the design himself and had it forged for him. The lava story was a fiction designed to attach meaning to it. Kahless wasn't out to become a spiritual figure, he just wanted to raise an army to defeat Molor.

WORF: How do you know my name?
KAHLESS: We have met before. I appeared to you in a vision in the caves of No'Mat. You were just a child then. I told you that you would do something that no Klingon had ever done before.

How did the Borath clerics know this story to program it into the clone? Did they hire a telepath to steal this memory to get Worf on their side?

CRUSHER: It's going to be very difficult to eliminate any possibilities at this point. He may be a coalescent being taking Klingon form, or a bioreplicant or even a Klingon who has been surgically altered to look like Kahless.

A coalescent? I'd hope after "Aquiel" they can detect such a facade.
Only mention of bioreplicants, one presumes there's a difference between a clone and a bioreplicant. Maybe a bioreplicant is the result of modifying the DNA of Person A to make a clone that looks like Person B.

DATA: Lieutenant? May I ask a question? In the absence of empirical data, how will you determine whether or not this is the real Kahless?
WORF: It is not an empirical matter. It is a matter of faith.
DATA: Faith? Then you do believe Kahless may have supernatural attributes? As an android, I am unable to accept that which cannot be proven through rational means. I would appreciate hearing your insights on this matter.

As I've mentioned in another post, in the novel "Guises of the Mind" Data asks many members of the crew about their feelings on religion. Worf is one of them. As he considers this a private matter, Worf refuses at first, then decides to talk with Data as he is a comrade in arms, almost a brother.

GOWRON: Where is he, Picard?
PICARD: I assume that you're referring to Kahless.
GOWRON: I am referring to the filthy pahtk who is using his name.

Pahtk? I get that Chakoteya has to transcribe Klingon from time to time, but the spelling "P'takh" (or "petaQ" in simplified English) certainly existed at this point.

GOWRON: What kind of medical analysis have you made? Do you have any theories about his true origin?
PICARD: We haven't done any analysis.
GOWRON: What kind of fools do you have working for you, Picard? The imposter's been aboard for nearly a day.
PICARD: If you wanted to run tests on Kahless, you should have sent a Klingon ship for him.

No, you should've asked him to do a medical analysis earlier. That's what subspace is for!

GOWRON: Kahless has been dead for a thousand years, but the idea of Kahless is still alive. Have you ever fought an idea, Picard? It has no weapon to destroy, no body to kill. The idea of Kahless' return must be stopped here, now, or it will travel through the Empire like a wave and leave nothing but destruction behind.

I wish Gowron was written like this in DS9. That's one place where the DS0 writers really dropped the ball.

[Nate the Great]

PICARD: He has brought a knife with him, a knife is was supposed to be stained with the blood of Kahless.
TORIN: Gowron has brought the Knife of Kirom? No one is permitted to remove it from the sacred vault.

It ain't Kahless' blood! Kahless even tried to tell people that it was Morath's but the people wanted to believe that it was his.

CRUSHER: There, that should do it. Computer, run a genetic comparison on this blood sample and the tissue belonging to Kahless.
COMPUTER: The genetic patterns are identical.

I'm pretty sure they've mentioned single-bit errors in cloned material before.

WORF: I am sorry. Our replicators do not do justice to Klingon Warnog.

The only other mention of warnog in canon is in "Sons and Daughters", but I remember when Phil Farrand used it in the Nitpicker's Guide. A few novels mentioned it.

WORF: Kahless, may I ask you about death and Sto-Vo-Kor? Tell me, what awaits us beyond this life.
KAHLESS: I do not have those answers. I am merely a traveller, someone who has journeyed back and forth between this world and the next. While I am in this form, I know only about this world.

This is a good explanation. SF Debris even brought this up as a possible explanation for why Neelix didn't experience the afterlife in "Mortal Coil." It wasn't his physical brain that had those experiences, so he wouldn't remember them.

GOWRON: Don't you see? This is exactly why they want you to join them. Because your brother sits on the Council and your voice carries weight in the Empire. They want you to influence others to follow them.

And yet in three years Gowron will steal Worf's honor without backlash. Is Gowron really trying to butter up Worf here?

KAHLESS: Long ago, a storm was heading toward the city of Quin'lat. The people sought protection within the walls. All except one man who remained outside. I went to him and asked what he was doing. I am not afraid, he said. I will not hide my face behind stone and mortar. I will stand before the wind and make it respect me. I honoured his choice and went inside. The next day, the storm came and the man was killed. The wind does not respect a fool. Do not stand before the wind, Gowron.
GOWRON: What was his name?
KAHLESS: What?
GOWRON: If you were really there, you should be able to tell us the name of the man outside the walls. Describe him to us. What was he wearing? How tall was he? What colour were his eyes?

A good way to poke holes in Kahless' implanted memories.

TORIN: We found a way to imprint specific information in your neurosynaptic patterns. We gave you memories, and not just any memories. We gave you the experiences of Kahless as written in the sacred texts.

You'd think they'd hire a telepath to tie these memories together better.

KOROTH: It is not a lie. Genetically, he is Kahless, and he is needed by our people. You know better than anyone the corruption and dishonour that has destroyed the Empire. They need him.
WORF: They do not need a false god.
KOROTH: How do you know that this is not the way the prophesy was to be fulfilled? Who is to say that what we did was wrong?
WORF: I am. I will not let this fraud continue.

The most honorable man ever exiled from the Empire, ladies and gentlemen.

DATA: I am curious. Do you still think the real Kahless will return someday? Or has this experience only deepened the spiritual crisis which originally sent you to Boreth?
WORF: I do not know.
DATA: I understand your dilemma. I once had what could be considered a crisis of the spirit.
WORF: You?
DATA: Yes. The Starfleet officers who first activated me on Omicron Theta told me I was an android, nothing more than a sophisticated machine with human form. However I realised that if I were simply a machine, I could never be anything else. I could never grow beyond my programming. I found that difficult to accept, so I chose to believe that I was a person, that I had the potential to be more than a collection of circuits and subprocessors. It is a belief which I still hold.
WORF: How did you come to your decision?
DATA: I made a leap of faith.

It's a nice story, but I'm not sure that this is the right time for it.

WORF: You were right about one thing, Koroth. Our people are becoming decadent and corrupt. They need moral leadership. Kahless can be that leader, as Emperor.
GOWRON: There hasn't been an Emperor in three centuries!
WORF: The political power will remain with the High Council. Kahless would be a figurehead, but he will have the ability to rally the people, to lead by example, to guide them in spiritual matters.

I'll bet you anything nobody else would've thought of this plan. Once again Worf saves the Empire. If he isn't in the top five Trek characters who did the most to alter galactic history, I'd be very shocked.

The Fiver

Riker: Why isn't Mr. Worf on duty yet?
Data: Unknown. Perhaps he has become addicted to the Holodeck and is running some of Mr. Barclay's old programs.
Riker: Worf pretending to be Cyrano de Bergerac? This I've got to see.

Did Dorn ever play Cyrano?

Worf: A-koo-chee-moya....

I don't know if I like the reuse of Chakotay's line in this context.

Riker: Worf, why are you chanting in the middle of all these candles?
Worf: I am attempting to call up a vision of Kahless.
Riker: You should be on the Bridge at your post, mister.
Worf: But I am making progress, sir. At first, I could only get a busy signal. Now, I believe that I have been put on hold.

Wow, is that a blast from the past.

Worf: A true Klingon warrior does not retreat!
Picard: I meant to a Klingon monastery where you could subject yourself to deprivation, blood, pain, sacrifice, anguish and death.

"Sounds like marriage alright." Let me toss up a link to The Worf Song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Da8BwV-Zrg0).

Worf: Very well. Ahem. "When Kahless was about to depart for Sto-Vo-Kor, he pointed to a star and said to his people, 'Look for me there.' And the people dried their tears and asked, 'In the Kamino system, Master?' And Kahless answered, 'No, a little further to the left.' And there was much rejoicing."

The fiver is from 2003, Attack of the Clones is 2002. I feel old again (http://fiveminute.net/forums/showpost.php?p=81467&postcount=157).

Gowron: I will not let myself be ousted so that a swaggering, tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood can lead the Empire!

You forgot the "overbearing", Marc.

Gowron: It is said that the last Emperor quit because of inadequate retirement benefits.
Kahless: Could the pension plan be indexed to cover three centuries of inflation?
Gowron: You drive a hard bargain, Your Majesty.

People don't make accountancy jokes often enough.

Worf: Dr. Selar has suggested that I visit the rebuilt monastery on P'Jem and try to invoke a vision of Surak.
Kahless: Who?
Worf: The father of Vulcan civilization.
Kahless: If you happen to run into his clone, tell him I hope we can meet someday. I am sure we would get along like brothers.

I assume that this joke refers to other roles of the actors, but I don't get it.

Memory Alpha

* Apparently a present-day Emperor was mentioned in "Sins of the Father". Oops.
* Final TNG appearance of Gowron. He won't appear again until "House of Quark".

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil also pointed out the problem with Worf's story of seeing Kahless as a child.
* Kahless has been dead for a thousand years, but the clerics of Borath have been waiting for his return for 1,500 years. Oops.

[Nate the Great]

May 24th, 1993, "Second Chances"

I need to get this out of the way up front: They severely mishandled Tom Riker. I'll save the Maquis stuff for "Defiant", but I will say that they should've had a few episodes with Tom present and not Will. Decompress Troi's emotional turmoil (and ditch the Worf relationship entirely, duh). Maybe they temporarily transfer Will to another ship. Probably have him cameo on DS9 for a two-parter (that would certainly help with DS9's ratings!), a short-term mission possibly including the Klingons or Romulans. While he's gone Tom stays on as helmsman of the E-D trying to catch up on the last eight years. The relationship with Troi would have a better arc, where Deanna realizes that she's grown beyond the romanticism of her initial relationship with Riker (as told in the novel Imzadi) and really loves Will for who he is now. Love means more than physical attraction or shared danger. Furthermore Tom realizes that the Command track isn't what he thought it was. He wants to transfer to Security or Conn. He transfers away and does occasional cameos on DS9. Totally toss Eddington and have Tom build up to his Maquis membership, only do it for the right reason this time. In "Defiant" Tom's motivation seems to be "do something completely different than Tom" and nothing else. There should be more meaning to it than that. When the Dominion destroys the Maquis he can have one last episode where he chooses to go to prison and then rebuild his Starfleet career offscreen. Toss in a cameo at Will's wedding and some guest appearances on Lower Decks and we're good.

The Episode

(it's jazz night, and the quartet are in full swing, with Riker on 'bone playing 'Tell them I remember you')

It's actually called "I Remember You". . Or maybe you prefer [[[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-HmciMDxt8 ("https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epWCk2mvq0g&t" Here's Tony Bennet's version[/URL) Nat King Cole]].

TROI: Night Bird.
(Troi is given a Look)
RIKER: Any request?
TROI: Night Bird!
RIKER: Ladies and gentlemen, Night Bird. One, two.
CRUSHER: What was that all about?
TROI: Will's been trying to get this piece right for ten years now. He's never made it through the solo.

This is a fictional song, and of course it made a cameo in Lower Decks. Personally, I think Troi's efforts to publicly humiliate Will is a little cruel. Funny, of course, but still cruel.

RIKER: Is the planet's distortion field re-phasing sooner than we predicted?
DATA: No, sir. Using the Potemkin's transport logs from the original evacuation, Commander La Forge and I were able to modify the transporters.

It would've been nice if Geordi mentioned that Scotty gave him some pointers on modifying the transporter in unusual situations.

DATA: The transporters are considerably more efficient than those used on the Potemkin eight years ago.

I don't think "efficient" is quite the word to use here. "Advanced" or "adaptable" would be better.

DATA: Commander, someone is approaching. A humanoid. Forty metres due east and closing.

"Humanoid"? There's no reason not to specify "human" here unless they're going to have to look around a bit for Tom.

PICARD: Jean-Luc Picard.
RIKER 2: Lieutenant Will Riker.

The Battle of Maxia was in 2355. The prior Nervala III mission was 2361. I'd think that both Rikers would've heard about Picard's court-martial and therefore have at least heard of Picard. I'll forgive Will not mentioning it back in "Encounter at Farpoint", he wanted to be professional. Tom would have no such motive for not mentioning having heard of Picard.

LAFORGE: Apparently there was a massive energy surge in the distortion field around the planet just at the moment you tried to beam out. The Transporter Chief tried to compensate by initiating a second containment beam.
DATA: An interesting approach. He must have been planning to reintegrate the two patterns in the transport buffer.

The containment beam holds the actual matter, it's a big part of the "it's the same atoms, so it's the same person!" argument for the transporter. You can't split the atoms into two halves then build a person from just one half. Data mentions "two patterns", so the transporter chief scanned Will twice intending to use the patterns as error checks for each other. But then where did the matter for Tom's reintegration come from? Drop a technobabble line about the storm entangling with the transporter beam to provide the matter!

I apologize for making your brains leak out of your ears.

(The Lieutenant is in a fresh gold uniform).

I think I've already mentioned this, but this whole "different color uniform to make it easier for the audience to tell the difference" thing always seemed stupid to me. A different beard and haircut would be enough to tell the difference. Plus, y'know, Frakes is giving a very different performance.

Or maybe put Tom in a DS9 uniform that has the red in a different location.

RIKER 2: Come in.
TROI: Hello, Will.
(He sweeps her off her feet, literally, and kisses her)

Tom has been obsessed with reliving his relationship with Deanna for eight years, you'd think he'd remember the "feeling" of her telepathic aura and be able to sense her coming.

TROI: We need to talk.
RIKER 2: You're on board because of him.
TROI: No. Commander Riker and I are friends. Close friends, but nothing more.

Technically this is two different issues. Troi took this job because it was the right move for her career. At first she saw Will's presence as a complication much like Picard saw Beverly.

TROI: Do you remember the last time we saw each other?
RIKER 2: Like yesterday. The Janaran Falls on Betazed.
TROI: It was the day before you started your tour on the Potemkin.
RIKER 2: And we were going to meet on Risa, six weeks later.
TROI: We never did.

The Imzadi version of these events are quite different. There was no final farewell at Janaran Falls. Lwaxana yelled at Riker for sleeping with Deanna when he had no intention of a serious relationship (his career was too important and his stay on Betazed was always temporary). Deanna was still going to stay with Will, leaving with him if necessary. Too bad Will got drunk and slept with Deanna's friend Wendy, driving Deanna away.

Which is better? Probably neither. I just can't see Will as ever considering throwing away his career for Deanna at that age. It was probably a mutual breakup with no idea of seeing each other again anytime soon.

TROI: No, what I mean is, Commander Riker and I never did. You see, he earned a promotion very quickly.
RIKER 2: I know that too. 'For exceptional valour during the evacuation of the research station on Nervala Four'.

I fail to see the connection. Does being promoted mean you can't take leave for awhile? That makes no sense.

TROI: He chose to make his career a priority. There wasn't much time for anything else.

It does make you wonder why he was on Betazed for that long to begin with. The novel makes it clear that the Betazed mission was just to keep Riker occupied while the Potemkin was undergoing refit.

RIKER 2: Deanna. I know it's been a long time since we've been together, and I know your feelings have changed. Mine haven't. I can't just give up. I'd like to be with you again.

This is an interesting question. Is the ship's counsellor allowed to have a relationship with a fellow officer? That sounds like a conflict of interest nightmare.

RIKER: You know, I've been thinking we should probably let Dad know what happened.
RIKER 2: I'm sure he'll be thrilled to know there are two of us now.
RIKER: Actually, he and I have been able to patch a few things up.
RIKER 2: I've been able to get by for a long time without seeing him. I'm not about to start now.

In the comics Kyle will visit the ship again in a couple years. One really does wonder how he'd react to having two sons. Kyle will die in a novel ten years from now.

RIKER: I didn't. He came on board the Enterprise to brief me when I was offered the Aries.
RIKER 2: What did he say when you turned down your own command?
RIKER: He couldn't understand why I did it.
RIKER 2: For once he and I agree on something.

I'm still curious on why he did it. Cue Riker's speech in Best of Both Worlds:

RIKER: What am I still doing here? Deanna, I pushed myself hard to get this far. I sacrificed a lot. I always said I wanted my own command, and yet something's holding me back. Is it wrong for me to want to stay?
TROI: What do you think?
RIKER: Maybe I'm just afraid of the big chair.
TROI: I don't think so.
...
RIKER: Maybe that's the problem. I'm too comfortable here.
TROI: I'm not sure I know what that means. You're happy here. Happier than I've ever known you to be. So, it comes down to a simple question. What do you want, Will Riker?

I don't think that he's afraid of command. I think I prefer the "too comfortable" argument. Plus Picard's opinion that Riker likes the "celebrity" that comes with the Enterprise gig.

(there's another note, tied with a pink flower and bow)
TROI: (reading) It pulses unendingly all through the night. Seek out the crystal that powers our flight.

A get the poetry, but dilithium does not "power" the flight, the matter/antimatter reaction does.

TROI: So, how does it feel being with people again?
RIKER 2: Great. Strange. For a long time I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. It's been hard taking orders again.
TROI: I can imagine.

If this was supposed to be extrapolated into his Maquis career, I call shenanigans. One reason why the Maquis failed is that they didn't have the proper centralized command structure to do big things. To get anything done people will have to obey orders that they don't like.

[Nate the Great]

RIKER 2: Remember, I'm the one who wanted to make Captain by the time I was thirty five.

So he turned down the Aries...why? Furthermore, this seems rather myopic. If your sense of self-worth is dependent on attaining a position of power ASAP, you've got bigger problems.

RIKER 2: Sometimes I would look up into the sky and I'd think, if I tried hard enough, I could make you feel my presence. That if I could let you know that I was alive, maybe you'd wait for me. I know it sounds crazy, but there were times when I could've sworn. What am I talking about?

The telepathic range of people in Trek seems to be rather set. You just can't concentrate extra hard to extend it.

In the novel "Guises of the Mind" Deanna was a prisoner along with an untrained telepath. She was able to take control of the telepath's ability to extend the range of her telepathic distress signal. Seriously, the early TNG novels were really good.

PICARD: Lieutenant Riker has been to see me to talk about the away mission. He believes that the only way to retrieve the database is by directly accessing the main core underneath the station.
RIKER: The seismic activity makes those caverns very unstable. In my opinion, it's too risky.
PICARD: He said that he was down there recently. He seemed confident that it could be done safely.
RIKER: There's a good chance we will be able to retrieve the database from one of the consoles inside the station.
PICARD: But if it doesn't work, we won't have another chance for eight years.
RIKER: Lieutenant Riker's plan is more dangerous, but it does have a better chance of succeeding.
PICARD: Given the importance of the data, I think that it's worth the risk.

This is a pointless rehash of the Riker/Shelby rivalry in "The Best of Both Worlds." Furthermore, the seismic instability is rather pointless except for artificial drama at the end. This screentime should've been devoted to more important things.

RIKER: I just met with the Captain about your mission recommendation. I would appreciate it if next time you came to me first.
RIKER 2: I tried talking to you yesterday on the station. You wouldn't hear me out.
RIKER: I heard you, Lieutenant. I rejected your plan.
RIKER 2: May I ask what the Captain decided?
RIKER: The Captain has decided to go with your recommendation, but that's not the point.

Another rehash of BOBW. Ugh.

TROI: It's really hard for me to separate my feelings for them.

It is? Will loves what you are NOW, Tom loves what you were THEN. Will loves real things about you, Tom loves the idealized version of you that he's created in his head. Furthermore, if Deanna wanted to be with Will that much she could've resigned her commission and stayed on as a civilian specialist.

(and now she has him on the floor, lips connect in a prelude to horizontal jogging)

Ick, Chakoteya. Ick.

RIKER: Do me a favour. Be careful.
TROI: Will, I know you and he have had some problems.
RIKER: That's not what I'm talking about. If he had gotten off the planet instead of me, don't you think he would have made the same choices that I made? I just don't want you to be hurt again.

On the surface this is a fair question, but the butterfly effect does still apply. We make major life decisions based on the most frivolous reasons sometimes.

RIKER: Why don't we get this over with? I'll call your three, and I'll raise you anything you've got left. Well?
RIKER 2: Take it. You always had the better hand, in everything.

Better hand? Another short-sighted decision. They are IDENTICAL. I see no reason why Tom wouldn't have the exact same career that Will did. At the time they were separated they had the same feelings for Deanna and their careers. They would've ended up as a "Will" and a "Tom" regardless of whether Riker Pattern A or Riker Pattern B was rescued.

RIKER 2: Captain Picard made has some inquiries. He managed to get me a posting on the Gandhi. And considering how long I've been out of commission, it's an amazing opportunity.

I get wanting to honor the man, but I doubt he would be in favor of a warship being named after him.

Furthermore, I'd think Tom would need to return to the Academy to catch up on the last eight years. Not just the technology, but the entire geopolitical status of the quadrant! When he was stranded the Federation was at war with the Cardassians, the Romulans were still in isolation, nobody had ever heard of Q or the Borg, etc.

RIKER 2: Deanna. After I've served for six months, I'm eligible to bring family aboard. If we got married--

What? Where did that tradition come from? Either a ship is family-compatible or it's not. And the Gandhi is Ambassador-class, so I doubt that it is. Furthermore, we're not talking about kids yet, we're talking about a married pair of Starfleet officers. Is there a counselling position open on the Gandhi or not?

TROI: You said those exact words to me before you went to serve on the Potemkin.

Really? The Potemkin is Excelsior-class. I don't think those are rated for families. Furthermore, at that earlier time Riker would've been so focused on his career that a long-term stay on any ship would've been out of the question, so families would not have been on his mind.

TROI: It's not just that. I've worked hard to make a life for myself on the Enterprise. I'm happy here.
RIKER 2: If the situation were different, I'd stay. But I can't. Not while he's aboard.
TROI: I know.

This is an interesting situation. If Tom stayed on as helmsman, he'd be in continual contact with Will. But if he transferred to Security there would be less risk of that. He wouldn't have a conflict with Worf, and Worf is honorable enough to not let his feelings for Will interfere with a working relationship with Tom.

DATA: Lieutenant, I am curious about something. If you met a double of yourself, would you have difficulty interacting with him?
WORF: I think so.
DATA: Why?
WORF: I am not easy to get along with.

Oh, do I get that. I would find a duplicate of myself insufferable.

Conclusion: What was resolved here? At no point do they talk to each other about their feelings and sort out what they're going to do. The episode is just drama until it...stops. That's bad writing.

The Fiver

Riker: Who are you?
Lt. Riker: (mockingly) I know you are, but what am I?

That joke is exceedingly juvenile and I never liked it.

Lt. Riker: That's easily fixed. One stroke of the razor and I'll once again be as smooth as an android's bottom.
Picard: Okay, that was one image I did NOT need replayed in my mind.

That was a good bit in Insurrection, even if I don't like how Frakes looks without a beard.

Lt. Riker: Sorry I'm late, I'm still getting used to the time zone difference.
Data: You realize, Lieutenant, that all Federation outposts have synchronized chronometers and that the time on the planet is the same as that on the Enterprise.

Wait...what? Do all outposts use the same time, or does the ship synchronize with whatever city they're hovering over? Those are mutually exclusive things!

Troi: Ooh, Will left me another note on the warp core.
La Forge: Aaaaaagh! He taped it on! I spent hours polishing that!

Putting aside the fact that by the 24th century there have to be adhesives that won't leave a residue, why would Geordi need to polish the warp core? That's what the drones hidden in the consoles are for!

Riker: Here, I'd like you to have my trombone.
Lt. Riker: Great! I haven't played one of these for years! Well, I'm out of here. Take care of her, Will.
Troi: Aww, I want you to play me "Nightbird!"
Lt. Riker: I take that back. Cause her great, great pain.

Hehe. It's a shame that a subplot involving Tom replicating a trombone and perfecting "Nightbird" during his exile wasn't included. He could've even written a song in Deanna's honor!

Memory Alpha

* There seems to be confusion among the creators about what job Tom would've taken. Helmsman makes sense, security officer makes sense, but Jeri Taylor thinking Operations does not.
* First episode directed by Burton.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil brings up Riker's feelings about clones from "Up the Long Ladder". Whether this is applicable to Tom is complicated. Or maybe Will has just matured since the second season. Or maybe "Up the Long Ladder" has been reduced to pseudo-canon along with most of the first two seasons.
* If Will was promoted for his actions during the mission, why wasn't Tom?
* Phil also brings up the bad idea of sending Tom to another assignment, but he specifically mentions counselling. I forgot about that.
* Phil suggests combining the transporter tech from this episode, "Relics", and "Lonely Among Us" to create disposable duplicates of crew members for dangerous away missions. If the crew member returns you can dispose of the double in transporter suspension, if they don't you can rematerialize the double. Truly a philosophical headache that I'm glad the creators didn't think of.
* Phil forgot the name "Night Bird". He was embarrassed to have to be educated on this point by Max Grodenchik.

[Nate the Great]

June 14th, 1993, "Timescape"

CRUSHER: I give up. What was it?
RIKER: I was trying to feed Spot.
CRUSHER: Data's cat?

Is there more than one Spot on board?

(Data joins the others for a meal. The runabout is huge, there is even a corridor between the cockpit and this area)

I find it odd that they'd use the larger budget of TNG to make a rear runabout set, only to never use it again on DS9. If I was the creators, I'd be exploiting the larger TNG budget to make things on DS9 all the time!

TROI: I was just leaving the reception when this Ktarian walks up to me and says, (slightly Irish) hello, Diane. I understand you're an empath. I'm a very sensitive man myself. I'm doing a thesis on interspecies mating rituals. Would you care to join me in some empirical research?

This is a great scene, but instead of copying all the dialogue I'll just link to a YouTube video. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73sgRKrbRas)

PICARD: There was no opportunity. There was no pause. (mock Teutonic) He just kept talking in one long, incredibly unbroken sentence, moving from topic to topic so that no one had a chance to interrupt. It was really quite hypnotic.

Has enough time passed that I can provide a link to the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5m-x8nrwqx0 Picard Song]] again?

LAFORGE: The starboard antimatter pod is completely drained. The fuel reserves are empty.
PICARD: Is there a fuel containment leak?
LAFORGE: No, sir. The containment field is intact. all engine systems are operational. The fuel is just gone.
DATA: Geordi, I believe I have an explanation. According to the plasma conversion sensor, the starboard engine has been in continuous operation for forty seven days.

Okay, I'll buy that the strut on each side has a separate warp engine and antimatter pod. What I don't buy is the runabout still being intact if only one half of the ship has a functional warp coil. That sounds like cause for a spinout followed by an explosion.

(Picard goes to the console, then smells something. The fruit in the bowl has become moldy. He reaches towards it and shouts in pain. His fingernails have grown a good half inch. The others rush in.)

Yeah, this is impossible. If his hand intersects with a bubble of space where time is passing at a different rate, that would result in an amputation at the edge of the bubble. Or rather, his fingertips disintegrating upon crossing the boundary.

TROI: The cells are metabolising at an incredible speed. Almost fifty times normal.

How? The energy available for fingernail growth is limited to what's in the blood contained in his hand. The fingernails wouldn't be superlong, he'd have a dead lump of flesh where his hand used to be!

DATA: Captain, I am detecting a temporal disturbance intersecting the table. It appears that within the disturbance, time is moving at an accelerated rate, approximately fifty times faster than normal.

Like SF Debris said, that's WAY too slow for the fingernail growth that we've seen (if you ignore the problems in the prior paragraphs, that is).

PICARD: Scan for life signs.
DATA: Sensors cannot penetrate the subspace field. I am unable to scan within the vessels.

What subspace field? You mean the temporal bubble? You wouldn't be able to scan ANYTHING inside radius (or see anything either, for that matter).

DATA: That would be inadvisable, sir. In each of the three instances we came into contact with one of the temporal fragments, we were integrated into its time frame.
LAFORGE: If we beamed aboard the Enterprise, we'd be frozen in time just like they are.

No, the transporter beam wouldn't be able to penetrate the boundary of the temporal bubble! They shouldn't be able to even SEE the ships!

PICARD: Well, we have to find some way of staying unfrozen. Mister La Forge, what about a subspace forcefield like the one we used on Devidia Two?

SF Debris liked the continuity drop, but I'm not sure how similar the two phenomena would be.

LAFORGE: Possibly. We'd need an awfully sensitive phase discriminator in order to moderate that kind of field.
DATA: The emergency transporter armbands contain a type seven phase discriminator.

Are you seriously telling me that in less than a year the phase discriminators in ordinary equipment is better than it was in DATA?

LAFORGE: Yeah. Yeah, that would certainly isolate us from the effects of the other time frame. But if we wanted to interact with that environment, we'd have to restrict the field. It would have to be practically skintight.

"Practically" skintight? Try BETTER than skintight!

LAFORGE: We've channelled all communications through the subspace relays in the armbands. That way we'll be able to be in continual communication.

Because the sound waves of their speech wouldn't penetrate the field anyway.

(Geordi switches on the armbands and Troi falls into Data's arms)
DATA: Counsellor?
TROI: I got a little dizzy for a second.
LAFORGE: We've created an artificial pocket of time around you, so it's probably playing tricks with your equilibrium.

No, it cut Deanna off from the telepathic "white noise" that she's used to experiencing. Why would a time-warping effect affect her sense of space?

DATA: Captain, the equipment is no longer functioning. However, the information currently displayed indicates that there was a massive power surge in Engineering.

I'm not sure if "frozen in time" is the same as "nonfunctional."

(Picard checks the tactical station. Worf is not on duty)

Stewart forgot that the equipment wouldn't respond. I wonder why they didn't reshoot the scene.

DATA: Captain, I believe I have found the cause of the power surge. There is a warp core breach in progress.
(there's a puff of smoke/steam coming out of the warp core)
DATA: It is the flashpoint of a warp core explosion.

What's smoke doing in a warp core explosion? Matter/antimatter explosions don't really burn in the traditional sense.

PICARD: Counsellor, you spent several days on a Romulan vessel. You probably know more about the layouts than anyone here.

It seems odd that Troi wouldn't write down everything she learned about Romulan layout.

The amount of continuity in this episode is staggering. It really shows how the show evolved past what Gene wanted it to be.

DATA: Geordi, the engine core is completely inactive.
TROI: That's impossible. The Romulans use an artificial quantum singularity as their power source. Once it's activated, it can't be shut down.

Actually, it stands to reason that a properly calibrated subspace field could "smother" the singularity given enough time.

DATA: I am not certain. They exhibit a complex bioelectric patterns. Very possibly organic.
LAFORGE: Organic?

Trek uses "organic" as a synonym for "life" far too often. It's not that simple, especially when you remember in chemistry the word means carbon compounds and we've seen plenty of non-organic life forms.

TROI: There isn't time. He's dying.
(she takes Geordi's armband off)
TROI: At least this way, he'll be alive in the other time frame. We might have a chance to save him later.

Deanna's really come a long way since the pilot, hasn't she?

ALIEN: We must use a natural gravity well to incubate our young. We thought the Romulan core would suffice. It did not.

Oh, the screed of Treknobabble I could come up with about the difference between a black hole and a quantum singularity if I wanted to.

PICARD: Is it possible to lock onto the core itself, beam it into space?
DATA: No, sir. We would have to surround the core with a subspace isolation field. It is not possible to generate a field of that magnitude from the runabout.

Actually this wouldn't work. Even if you could surround the core with a subspace isolation field there'd be a split-second during which the core would experience normal time, enough time to explode.

DATA: The alien who attacked me has vanished, sir.
PICARD [OC]: The warbird has vanished as well.
DATA: Judging from the residual temporal fluctuations, I believe they have returned to their own time continuum.

What? What does spatial location have to do with temporal location?

The Fiver

Data: "Used to?" Ah! As in "accustomed...inured...desensitized...mmm-mmm-mphh!"
Picard: Thank you, Mr. La Forge.
La Forge: No handyman should ever be without duct tape.

As a Minnesotan I've been in the Church of Duct Tape since childhood. Duct tape jokes will never not be funny to me.

Troi: (finishing a joke) "...but the Ferengi in the gorilla suit has to go!"
(Picard, Data and La Forge remain completely motionless)
Troi: Uh, guys...do I need to explain the punchline or what?

Now there's a subtle Generations joke. Although it does occur to me that the Farpoint mission was too early for Ferengi jokes to make sense.

La Forge: No. There must be a temporal anomaly affecting us.
Picard: Oh, good Lord, I hope I don't get turned into a kid again....

"Rascals" didn't have a temporal anomaly.

Picard: Ha-ha-ha! Look: Mr. Warp Core Breach!
Data: Perhaps I should try that with a tricorder someday.

That was a fun scene in Generations.

Memory Alpha

* Brannon Braga wanted to out-do his work on "Cause and Effect."
* Troi takes the opportunity to do some plexing, like she taught Barclay back in "Realm of Fear."

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil questions how this combination of senior officers would be allowed to be off the ship at the same time.

[Nate the Great]

June 21st, 1993, "Descent Part One"

I can finally catch up on DS9 S1 after this...

Fiver by Zeke (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=descent1)

The Episode

HAWKING: But then I said, in that frame of reference, the perihelion of Mercury would have precessed in the opposite direction.
EINSTEIN: (laughing) That is a great story!
DATA: Quite amusing, Doctor Hawking.

First, let's have a YouTube link (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEa7CfPaCRw). Secondly, here's some vocab:

Perihelion-the point in a planet's orbit when it is closest to the sun. For Earth this happens in early January after the solstice.
Precession-the change in orientation of the axis of rotation of an object. Imagine how a top wanders back and forth between "leaning" toward one direction and the other. For Earth it takes 26,000 years to complete one cycle. In astronomy the term is more specific, the apparent difference in direction of a star or planet in the sky caused by the precession of the planet you're on.

The joke is actually more subtle than general technobabble. Newton derived the first laws of planetary motion purely in terms of gravity. Einstein built upon the work specifically in terms of Mercury by using the laws of relativity to show how there's a component of precession that's explained by the warping of spacetime caused by planetary gravity wells. You can read the scientific paper yourself here (http://www.labs.plantbio.cornell.edu/wayne/pdfs/ARP%20Perihelion%20of%20Mercury.pdf).

By the way, the precession of the perihelion of Mercury's orbit is a hundredth of a degree per century. It really only matters to hardcore astronomers.

Don't ask me where this ties into Hawking's work, I have no idea.

HAWKING: Not the apple story again.
DATA: That story is generally considered to be apocryphal.
NEWTON: What? How dare you!

The apple story was invented by Newton biographer William Stukeley. Consider it on the same level of history as Washington's apple tree.

EINSTEIN: Perhaps we should return to the game. Let's see, where were we? Yes, you raised Mister Data four, which means that the bet is, er, seven to me?
NEWTON: The bet is ten! Can't you do simple arithmetic?

The "Einstein was bad at math" thing was also a myth. At best it took him a little longer to learn how to read and talk, but even that is possibly apocryphal. When confronted with this rumor Einstein refuted it.

EINSTEIN: The uncertainty principle will not help you now, Stephen. All the quantum fluctuations in the universe will not change the cards in your hand.

I was surprised to learn that the uncertainty principle covers more than just position and velocity. Another example is the "waveness" and "particleness" of a phenomenon that exhibits characteristics of both waves and particles.
The Heisenberg Compensator exists to avoid this problem.

DATA: Could you describe feeling angry without referring to other feelings?

I'm not sure you can describe any emotion without referring to other emotions.

NECHAYEV: There will be fifteen starships in this sector by the day after tomorrow. The Gorkon will be my flagship.

The Gorkon is an Excelsior-class? Why wouldn't the Enterprise be the flagship of the fleet for this mission?

This is the first Starfleet ship named after an alien.

NECHAYEV: You'll take command of task force three, consisting of the Enterprise, the Crazy Horse and the Agamemnon.

The Crazy Horse is also an Excelsior-class. Being a Midwesterner I'm most aware of the guy in relation to the controversy of the monument being built in his honor near Mount Rushmore. You can read the Wikipedia article (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crazy_Horse_Memorial) if you want. Personally my biggest problem is that it won't even look like Crazy Horse as there aren't any photos or paintings of him from the time.

For that matter, he wouldn't want to be the namesake of a warship any more than Gandhi would've. He would've been on the Maquis' side.

PICARD: When Hugh was separated from the Borg collective he began to grow and to evolve into something other than an automaton. He became a person. When that happened, I felt I had no choice but to respect his rights as an individual.
NECHAYEV: Of course you had a choice. You could've taken the opportunity to rid the Federation of a mortal enemy, one that has killed tens of thousands of innocent people, and which may kill even more.

Nechayev makes many appearances in the novels after this, but I don't think she ever directly interacted with Section 31. She would certainly be someone they would keep an eye on.

DATA: Anger is a negative emotion. I wanted to concentrate on something more positive.
TROI: Data, feelings aren't positive and negative, they simply exist. It's what we do with those feelings that becomes good or bad. For example, feeling angry about an injustice could lead someone to take a positive action to correct it.

Oh boy, is this not a simple issue. I don't care to write a screed about this one, I'll just say that Deanna is being overly simplistic again.

LAFORGE: It's crazy. There's got to be another way. Can't you think of something other way to make yourself angry.
DATA: I have tried other stimuli, but they have been unsuccessful. I understand your objections, but it is my life and I have a right to risk it if I choose.

This is a dangerous and very slippery slope. The moral implications are numerous, so I'll skip them. I will say that Data asking to turn off the safeties in this case is not the same as Worf doing so. What is the hologram going to do, rip off Data's arms? Arms that can easily be repaired?

DATA: We are being pulled inside.
(and Enterprise disappears into a Whovian/Stargate style wormhole effect)

Tardis wormholes and Stargate wormholes aren't really that similar.

RIKER: This is another change in the Borg behaviour. They left their dead instead of vapourising them.

That's another screed that I'll skip.

CROSIS: If it meant that you could feel emotions again the way you did on Ohniaka Three, would you kill your friend? Would you kill Geordi?
DATA: Yes. I would.

Clearly this is manipulation, but I wonder why Data doesn't find it odd later once he's out of range.

LAFORGE: Our current theory is that the Borg have established several transwarp conduits through subspace. A ship, when entering the conduit, is immediately accelerated to an extremely high warp velocity. It's like falling into a fast moving river and being swept away by the current.
PICARD: How fast would a ship travel through one of these conduits?
LAFORGE: We don't know. Normal subspace limitations don't apply to transwarp variables. But I'd say based on the distance we covered during our trip through the conduit, the speed would have to be at least twenty times faster than our maximum warp.

Just twenty times maximum warp? Seems rather slow. Voyager traversed half the galaxy in a transwarp conduit in a matter of hours.

LAFORGE: The Borg ship emitted some kind of high energy tachyon pulse just before we saw the subspace distortion. It seems as though the conduits are keyed to respond to tachyon transmissions of a specific frequency.

How? What's responding to the transmission? These things aren't Babylon 5 jumpgates, ya know!

PICARD: Assuming that they're still together, how far could they have travelled in three hours?
LAFORGE: Well, Data can move pretty fast even over rough terrain, but based on what we know about the Borg, I don't think they should be able to move any faster than you or I.

I have trouble believing that Data would be that fast on rough terrain. By all means he could move pretty fast on level ground, but rapid changes in gait and trajectory would slow him down quick.

PICARD: If the Borg should attack, don't wait for me or anyone else to return to the ship but take the Enterprise to the transwarp conduit. Return to Federation space.
CRUSHER: Got it. Good luck, Jean-Luc.
PICARD: Good luck, Captain.

Come to think of it, she should've been in command of the saucer section back where they started this trip. And Picard should've commanded the stardrive section, not searching down here.

[Nate the Great]

The Fiver

Data: Computer, end program.
(All but Hawking vanish)
Data: Curious. You are still intact.
Hawking: That's what... my doctors... say.

Well that's...dark.

Riker: They were all "me, me, me." It looks like Hugh's individuality made it into the Collective.
Picard: Looks like we may have a Hughge problem on our hands. Ideas?

That pun hurt.

Worf: Distress call from New Berlin! They --
Riker: What? False alarm?
Worf: No, it's real, but that colony isn't on the list of places where Captain Picard knows someone.
Riker: Ah. First Officer's Log: Sucks to be that colony.

That joke is dark but still funny.

Data: My cat will reassure me that I am not becoming evil.
Spot: HISSSSSSSSSS
Data: I need a new cat. Perhaps a female one this time.

It won't be until "Force of Nature" next season when Spot will explicitly be called "she."

After Data's death she will adopt Worf as her new owner.

La Forge: It looks like there's an entire network of these transwarp conduits. It could even spread as far as Earth....
Picard: Don't be ridiculous. If there were one right in front of Earth they'd have used it by now.

I wonder how long it takes to make a transwarp conduit. Maybe they're still making the one near Earth.

Crusher: You want to put me in command? I'm a doctor, not an commander!

One of the Strange New Worlds collections features a story where Kirk forced McCoy to be in command of the ship. It's a good one.

La Forge: Hmmm, there's nobody here.
Vast Multitudes of Borg: CHARGE!
Picard: Perfect. Your visor couldn't detect their body heat?
La Forge: Well, sir, it's not all-powerful --

It stands to reason that the body heat of a Borg drone would be rather minimal. As for the mechanical heat, no doubt they've figured out how to "cloak" that from casual scans by now.

Memory Alpha

* The meaning of the Newton/Einstein Mercury joke is explained.
* I had forgotten that Quinn shook the tree that dropped the apple.
* Data says that the anger was his first emotion when Q gave him laughter in "Deja Q." Oops.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Why didn't the away teams use the commando uniforms from "Chain of Command?"
* Troi says that the only Borg who had a name was Hugh. I guess she forgot that Picard was once Locutus.
* Phil also mentions the "Deja Q" thing.
* If the dampening field suppresses all sensors, how is Geordi's VISOR working?
* When Data says he'd kill Geordi to feel emotions again, a security officer is guarding the brig, yet she doesn't mention this to Worf or anyone else. Oops.

[Nate the Great]

September 20th, 1993, "Descent Part Two"

Fiver by Zeke (http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=descent2)

The Episode

LORE: What do you think of my followers, Picard? Impressive, aren't they?
PICARD: I'm not particularly impressed. All you've done is teach them to enjoy killing.
DATA: You are wrong, Captain. My brother and I serve a much higher purpose.

And that purpose is...what? Gradually conquer the galaxy using a small number of Borg drones and one ship? We really did need more exposition on this point.

DATA: Yes. My brother has made that possible.
PICARD: He gave you the chip. The one Doctor Soong made for you.
LORE: No, no, no, no, no. I still have the emotional programme my father designed. I wouldn't want to give it up.

Oh, here we go. They really needed to exposit more about the emotion chip. Soong made it clear that this thing was just a program. It wasn't some key that would unlock Data's potential (if it was it would be useless to Lore), and Lore acts like he can't just duplicate the program. If this thing contains hardware that was omitted from Data's design on purpose, once again it would be useless to Lore.

Lore says that he's broadcasting emotions into Data in order to control him. I'm not sure how this is possible, since Data would've had access to all of Lore's schematics back in "Datalore" and would know how to block any transmission that Lore was able to output. There's no way Soong would've built into the chip an override command to allow it to push emotions onto any other Soong-type android in range.

So we are forced to conclude that Lore modified this chip to gain this transmitting ability. I'd think it would be simpler to install the thing into Data after modifying the programming and adding a receiver to allow him remote access to it.

Furthermore, what is Lore trying to accomplish here? Data isn't going to admit that he's inferior to Lore unless Lore pushes said thought onto him. And victory by brainwashing hardly seems like a real victory.

LORE: They're no longer simply mindless automatons. They're passionate. Alive.

Let's put aside the revelations from Voyager and First Contact about how the Borg work. The basic fact is that Lore wouldn't want these drones to be alive (or rather sentient, which is what Lore really means). That would interfere with his plan. The only explanation is that he's put failsafe programming into each one of them. So he's going to spend his time sending programmed orders to the drones, which will control humanity like sheep. And to what end?

TROI: Are you saying that you caused them to become individuals?
LORE: No, you did that. You and your friends. All I did was clean up the mess you made when that Borg you befriended returned to his ship.
DATA: Hugh interfaced with the others and transferred his sense of individuality to them. It nearly destroyed them.

You'd think Borg would be programmed to reject corrupting programming and restore to an earlier version in situations like this. Or that the programming conflict triggered their self-destructs. I just can't see "let them work through their problem" as a viable Borg solution to situations like this.

LORE: What's important is what I've done here. How I found my calling. I know now why I was created. No one can ever take that away from me. Without me, they would have perished. When I stumbled on their ship, they were lost, disoriented, they had no idea how to function as individuals. They couldn't even navigate their own vessel. They had lost their sense of purpose. I gave them their purpose. And they gave me mine.
DATA: The Borg aspire to the perfection my Brother and I represent. Fully artificial life forms. We are their future.

Again, we'll skip scenes in Voyager showing how disconnected Borg react to their situation. If the Borg were interested in shedding their organic components they would've figured out a way eons ago. Furthermore, I fail to see how androids are "perfect" by Borg standards. Especially since they're the antithesis of what they want: perfection via absorbing what makes other species special. At best assimilating Data and Lore would be a stepping stone to their ultimate goal.

CRUSHER: Well, Taitt, I'll bet you never thought you'd be serving as Tactical Officer after only six weeks.
TAITT: No, sir, I sure didn't.

Ugh. They know the Borg could be around here somewhere, Worf has no business being on the planet. And even if Picard wanted Worf on the planet, he would have an assistant who can instantly take over at Tactical when Worf is off the ship. The idea that Crusher is the only officer on board with any real world experience is ludicrous.

PICARD: Data, you must realise that something has happened to you. The Data I know would never have agreed to be a willing party to Lore's plan.
DATA: I now realise that my life aboard the Enterprise was a waste. My quest to become human was misguided. An evolutionary step in the wrong direction.

I'm still confused about how much Lore can influence Data. This seems more like genuine reprogramming, not simply influence. And Lore couldn't hack into Data and control all movements and speech remotely, what would be the point anyway?

LAFORGE: Data, just because you haven't experienced certain emotions doesn't mean they don't exist. Lore is only feeding you the negative ones.
DATA: Counsellor Troi told me herself that feelings are not negative or positive. It is how we act on them that makes them good or bad.

Yeah, she screwed up last episode. I'll skip this screed, but suffice to say there are 100% bad emotions. Racism for example.

CRUSHER: I'm not leaving those people stranded back there. An emergency buoy can transmit a copy of our log entries to Starfleet just as easily as we can. Ensign, prepare a buoy and launch it when ready.

Emergency buoy? I think you mean "probe", Beverly. Buoys aren't generally known for moving very fast (or at all).

DATA: All the Borg you have experimented on so far have suffered extensive brain damage.
LORE: Using the humans to perfect the procedure will allow us to prevent any further Borg deaths.

The logic here is as twisted as Lore's mind. My question is how Lore can influence Data this much without direct control.

LAFORGE: Lore must have told Data to take my visor because he realised I could see a carrier wave that was radiating from him.
PICARD: A carrier wave? Is that how he's manipulating Data?
LAFORGE: I think what's happening is that Lore is tapping into the chip he stole from Doctor Soong and somehow he's found a way to transmit part of that emotional programme to Data.

I've already covered the technical aspects of this plan, I'll just mention how amazing it is that people in 1993 could predict the full potential of wifi. At the time wireless networks were still in its infancy.

HUGH: You don't know the condition we were in when he found us. Before my experience on the Enterprise, the Borg were a single-minded Collective. The voices in our heads were smooth and flowing. But after I returned, those voices began to change. They became uneven, discordant. For the first time, individual Borg had differing ideas about how to proceed. We couldn't function. Some Borg fought each other. Others simply shut themselves down. Many starved to death.

We're led to believe that only one ship was tainted by Hugh, but that doesn't make sense if you consider what we know about the Borg, even at this early stage.

It's the "starved to death" that I find most intriguing. Surely the regeneration alcoves would work on a very primitive program, at least when it comes to basic power transfer and organic component maintenance. It occurs to me that the drones would be stuck in their alcoves, their bodies being maintained but their minds/programming stuck in logic loops. I don't see why a drone would be allowed to disengage from their alcove before the programming conflict was resolved.
*

[Nate the Great]

HUGH: You probably can't imagine what it is like to be so lost and frightened that you will listen to any voice which promises change.
WORF: Even if that voice insists on controlling you.
HUGH: That's what we wanted. Someone to show us the way out of confusion. Lore promised clarity and purpose. In the beginning, he seemed like a saviour.

Would it be insensitive to make a Trump joke here?

RIKER: What happened to them?
HUGH: Lore began to experiment, trying to re-make us in his image.

Like I said, the organic is a necessary part of the Borg. Without it the Collective has no hope of becoming more superior. They would stop what Lore is doing.

DATA: I am implanting nano-cortical fibres in your cerebrum. They are designed to learn and mimic your neural firing patterns. Once they are in place, I will destroy the existing brain cells. We'll see if the artificial neural network is able to take over your cognitive functions.

I'm reminded of an episode of Teen Titans. Cyborg would have some interesting things to say to Lore, I'm sure.

CRUSHER: Helm, set a new course, heading three four four mark six. Full impulse.
HELM: Aye, sir.
TAITT: Sir, that heading takes us directly into the sun.

Yeah, and at full impulse it'll take half an hour to get there, not less than a minute. That's a big problem with Trek, they seem to think that as long as you're inside a solar system a quarter of the speed of light is fine. Well, it's not.

They imply that the trip from the planet to the star can be done in less than a minute. Okay, I'll Do The Math. Assuming an orbit analogous to Earth's, 93 million miles in 60 seconds is over eight times the speed of light. Or in other words, Warp 2, not full impulse!

PICARD: I just hope this force field has enough energy to trigger the pulse.
(he slides the tiny device forward, and the blue is sucked into it)

Is it weird that THIS is the part that I find most implausible? While I have no doubt that Data would be able to pull a component out of himself that could do this job, a random Borg component shouldn't. The Borg are built to power their components with a very specific power source and energy pulses at very specific frequencies. They wouldn't be this adaptable.

LAFORGE: You decided to go swimming, and when you jumped out of the boat you sank straight to the bottom.
DATA: I did not have enough buoyancy to get back to the surface.

Was his Insurrection floatation device a later modification?

TAITT: We need to direct a highly energetic particle beam onto the sun's surface. That should produce a superfluid gas eruption. If we target the right spot, the eruption would envelop the Borg ship.

This one sounds pretty plausible by Treknobabble standards. At least compared to whatever Lore is thinking.

LORE: I'll give you the chip our father made. It contains much more than just emotions. It has memories. Memories our father wanted you to have.

I wonder why we never addressed that one in Generations. I'm even more surprised that this never came up in the expanded universe. The memories in the chip would make for a great Strange New Worlds story.

(Data is holding a small circle with a triangle cut out of it in a pair of tweezers when the doorbell rings)

I get why this thing had to be redesigned for Generations, but they definitely went too far. We've seen the inside of Data's head, and there would be no room for that gumball-sized chip.

The Fiver

Taitt: The Borg ship is getting closer! We have to put up the shields!
Crusher: No! Keep beaming people up, and just polarize the hull plating or something!
(CRASH)
Crusher: Or take us out of orbit.

I never liked the idea of "polarizing the hull plating" as a more primitive form of shielding. Maybe it would be useful for weapons fire, but shields have to handle more than just weapons fire.

Taitt: Thank you, sir! Say, with almost all the crew back on board, isn't it funny that no one's come to try and replace you?
Crusher: They're afraid of ripping off "The Arsenal of Freedom."
Taitt: Ah.

Why would someone want to take the bridge, Beverly is handling it just fine!

La Forge: Before they took my visor, I could see an invisible beam radiating into Data's head.
Picard: Invisible? It must be from the One Chip.
Troi: Didn't Dr. Soong have a poem about that chip? Something like "Chip of wonder, chip of might... chip to succour Data's plight...."

Star of the night, star of the day, come to take my cares away. Make my life, always bright...

Data: (in Picard's voice) Geordi! Shh! We are getting you out of here! But we will have to hurry, Data is coming....
La Forge: I know it's you. The captain uses contractions.

Come to think of it, it would've been neat if the contraction thing was used as evidence of Lore's influence...

Crusher: This was a great idea, hiding from the Borg ship on the opposite side of the planet. They won't notice us for a good minute or so. Start beaming up the leftovers!
Transporter Chief: (over the comm) We can't. They're on the opposite side of the planet.

And that matters? I don't think the stated transporter range of 40,000 km has an asterisk that says "unless a planet is in the way."

Data: He said something about target practice. I expect he will send me for an apple shortly.
Picard: You must realize that Lore's orders are wrong, Data. Apples deserve to live free, like the people of Gamma Trianguli VI.

Usually I'm all for TOS references, but I think this one is a bit too much of a stretch.

Picard: Now that Hugh've defeated Lore, the Borg need a new leader. I nominate Hugh, you.
Hugh: Hmmm... I suppose I could be our Omega Male.
Riker: Isn't Alpha Male the highest?
Hugh: Not to us. We worship omega particles.
Riker: Never heard of them. Have you, Captain?
Picard: (hurriedly) No, of course not.

Hehe. The only way to make this one better is to capitalize Omega Particles and then have Riker say "I know those are important, I could hear the capital letters!"

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil also takes issue with someone who's only been on board six weeks being on the bridge.
* When Hugh, mentions Lore, neither Riker nor Worf are surprised, and they should be. At this point only Picard, Crusher, and LaForge know that Lore is here.
* Phil says that Lore has rights as a sentient being and shouldn't be disassembled. I would counter and say that Lore could break out of any prison you put him in. I have no doubt that Lore knows how to reconstruct an arm or leg if he destroyed one in an escape.
* Everyone acts like the metaphasic shields are the only way to survive inside a star, when they went even deeper than the corona in "I, Borg." Y'know, the episode that introduced Hugh?
* Why does it take so long to beam up 26 people? There are at least twenty transporter rooms on board, and each has six pads!
* I forgot that the emotion chip was shown in "Brothers." So this thing will have THREE appearances in canon!

[Nate the Great]

September 27th, 1993, "Liasons"

Fiver by Wade (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=liaisons)

The Episode

RIKER: If I didn't know you better, I'd say that you were procrastinating.
WORF: Klingons do not procrastinate. It is a tactical delay.

He learned from the best. "There is no delay, it is the time that I have chosen."

WORF: I do not see why it is necessary to wear these ridiculous uniforms.
RIKER: Protocol.
WORF: They look like dresses.
RIKER: That is an incredibly outmoded and sexist attitude. I'm surprised at you. Besides, you look good in a dress.

I never understood the skirted dress uniform. Good punchline, though.

LOQUEL: You have no food on your plate. Are you going to eat?
TROI: Oh, well, actually, I was waiting until we got to the desserts.

Ugh. You can't make a meal out of dessert, no matter how nutritionally balanced the replicator base material is.

TROI: Oh, well, let me introduce you to some of my favourites. This is peach cobbler with whipped cream. Tarvokian powder cake. And this is my favourite. Ktarian chocolate puff.

"Tavorkian powder cake" must've been a typo, since we encountered Tavorkian POUND cake back in "The Game."

I was surprised to see "Ktarian" appear since I thought that was introduced for Voyager, and I doubt that Samantha Wildman was part of the series bible.

Then again, we encounter two completely different alien appearances both called Ktarian (the other variety was also seen in "The Game"). I wonder if this is a Rigelian or Xindi thing, where multiple species share a name.

BYLETH: This is unacceptable.
WORF: I am sorry you do not care for our
BYLETH: Bring me new food. I require a higher protein and enzymatic content.

If you want more enzymes look toward honey, tofu, or certain tropical fruits. Add in the protein requirement and the safest bet is probably tofu.

WORF: The Engineering sections encompass twelve decks of the secondary hull.

Well, that's unexpected. Although I suppose it depends on what you call "Engineering sections", as it would be more than just the warp engines.

BYLETH: I wish to see the Bussard collectors. Take me to them.
WORF: This way.

"Don't mind the two skeletons that have been baked into that bulkhead. I'm fairly certain that won't happen to you." Hehe.

TROI: Next we're going to go to deck eight, which is interesting because it's not really finished. It's sort of a multi-purpose deck. Sometimes when we need an extra lab or...

This is a surprise. Even if I'll accept that certain nonessential sections were unfinished at launch while people decided what to do with it, I'm fairly certain that all sections were completed in the refit during "Family".

ANNA: I knew from the moment I saw you that you were here to save me. I'll do anything you want. Just don't leave me. I don't ever want to be alone again.
(Anna kisses Picard)
ANNA: I love you.

The first line is fair enough. Any castaway who's been alone for seven years would be a little warped and needy. It's the second line that bugs me, that's blatant emotional manipulation. I'm reminded of "Groundhog Day" when Phil is desperately trying to recreate his successful date with Rita, looking absolutely ridiculous in the process.

PICARD: Anna, I'm grateful to you for saving my life, and I think that you are a warm and compassionate person, and I feel a great sympathy for what you've been through alone here on this planet, but I don't think that you can really be in love with me.
ANNA: How can you say that? Of course I love you.
PICARD: No, I'm the first person you've seen in seven years. I'm bringing you the hope of leaving this place. Don't you think that you could possibly be just a little confused right now?
ANNA: So you're not attracted to me.

Anna just jumped to a completely different topic. Or maybe it's just that annoying cliche that emotional affection requires physical attraction or vice-versa.

PICARD: You don't have to do this. I found Voval, the shuttle pilot, he's still alive. He can help us get away from here.
ANNA: I don't care. I'll jump unless you promise to love me.

Oh boy, is this pathetic at this stage.

VOVAL: In the logs, she described many concepts we found difficult to understand. Pleasure, antagonism, love. These were alien to us. We wished to experience them for ourselves. Ambassador Loquel was sent to experience pleasure. Byleth was sent to experience antagonism. And I was sent to experience love. Was this wrong?

My problem is that in all three cases the aliens focused on the most superficial aspects of these emotions without considering the possibilities of their true depth and range.

BYLETH: Lieutenant Worf was kind enough to engage me in eleven hours of holodeck battle exercises.
RIKER: Eleven hours.
BYLETH: Yes, I learned a great deal about the concept of antagonism.

After eleven hours of battle I think you've gone beyond "antagonism" into "stubbornness." Furthermore, I don't think even Klingons can battle for eleven hours straight.

VOVAL: I am sorry if our diplomatic methods offended you.
PICARD: No, on the contrary, I found your approach intriguing.

I find it interesting to contemplate how Kirk and crew would react to this scenario.

The Fiver

Captain's Log: Diplomacy time! As a precaution against plot twists, I've ordered all technobabble protocols disabled. La Forge and Data are already going through withdrawal symptoms.

"And Starfleet Academy has informed us that Wesley suddenly went catatonic at the same time."

Byleth: And I will condescend to accept the big one in yellow -- the color of cowardice.
Worf: Definitely feeling aggressive tendencies, Captain.

This is a rather clunky Insurrection reference. I wonder what Klingons consider the color of cowardice, it's probably not yellow.

And if you're wondering why "yellow" means "coward", the Straight Dope (https://www.straightdope.com/21343088/what-s-the-origin-of-yellow-bellied) has multiple possible explanations, I think I prefer the yellow bile theory.

Picard: Shuttlepod One, Shuttlepod One. Hoshi, can you hear me?
Voval: Who are you talking to?
Picard: I'm just trying every possible option, that's all.

That Enterprise joke seemed a little crowbarred.

Troi: They're just different, Worf. For instance, Loquel is seemingly preoccupied with my figure.
Worf and Riker: Hey who isn't?
Troi: Why do I even bother?

Obvious joke is obvious.

Picard: Anna, please hand me one of your emery boards.
Anna: What for, sugarplum?
Picard: I'm trying to make a battery for us. I saw MacGyver do it.

This never happened.

Picard: Let me get this straight. You wanted to study human emotions, so your test subjects were a Klingon, a Betazoid and a man brainwashed by the Borg?
Voval: Would that skew our results at all?
Picard: Accuracy is futile.

A good point.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil has a speech about how little these dress uniforms look like dresses, especially compared to earlier dress uniforms as seen in "Manhunt" and similar. At least this time our crew is wearing pants and not pantyhose.

[Nate the Great]

October 4th, 1993, "Interface"

(Geordi has normal eyes and no visor)
RIKER [OC]: Geordi, have you found it yet?
LAFORGE: Not yet. I'm starting to get some fumes. Ammonia, chlorine, potassium chloride.
(Geordi climbs up into the fumes to the next level)
LAFORGE: I can feel the heat from here.
(he crawls along an access tunnel)
LAFORGE: There it is.
RIKER [OC]: How far?
LAFORGE: About ten metres up the ODN line. Boy, it's hot. I'd say over two thousand degrees. I'm going in.
(Geordi reaches through the flames to pull levers)
LAFORGE: We're okay. I've activated the emergency suppression system.

Okay, let's talk about this interface system. Slaving the probe's sensors into his VISOR inputs, fine. My problems come down to the following:
1. Is Geordi consciously switching the spectrum that he's seeing from temperature, to chemical analysis, to straight vision, etc. or is the probe's sensors displaying information on a virtual HUD for Geordi? If the former, it would take a lot of time to train Geordi to interpret the various spectra, if the latter there isn't much point in putting Geordi in this situation, is it?
2. So Geordi is wearing an interface suit that translates his gestures to probe movements. This is blatantly ridiculous, nothing about his movements can be translated to the motions of a cylindrical probe. I mean, surely it would be easier to have a few joysticks in a holodeck where you are surrounded by everything the probe sees, where different consoles have different kinds of information.
3. We're not even given a handwave that the exocomp's replicator omnitool has been copied over to this probe. Even IF you could slave the probe's movement to physical feedback, you can't slave all possible onboard tools to this suit in a way that would be more effective to the joysticks I mentioned earlier.

(Geordi is the contraption used in Offspring and Best of Both Worlds, wearing a virtual reality suit)

I'm amazed that they kept this set for that many years.

CRUSHER: The probe is designed to respond to any movement Geordi intends to make. When his brain sends a message to move his leg, the interface should move the probe instead.
DATA: Apparently the tactile sensors are too low. I will increase the input.

So is the problem the signal being sent from the probe to Geordi, or vice versa? Because this seems like both, which would have two different sets of hardware responsible for them.

PICARD: Any life signs?
LAFORGE: Our biosensors are useless. There's too much interference in the atmosphere.
RIKER: The crew might still be alive. There's no way we can tell from up here.
PICARD: Will the probe be able to transmit through that interference?
DATA: The probe sends information via a focused particle beam. It should be able to cut through the interference.

I don't like this handwave. It makes no sense. By all means plant a breadcrumb trail/relay network of probes going down there, but don't say that experimental tech is better at a basic task than proven technology.

PICARD: How's life on DS Three?
HOLT [on monitor]: We're hosting this year's palio. The Ferengi have already been accused of trying to bribe the Breen pilot into throwing the race.

A palio is a sort of tournament held in Italy ever since the Middle Ages. Usually some sort of riding race or archery contest. Don't ask me why such an obscure word is being used when the focus of the episode isn't on it.

HOLT [on monitor]: Nothing at all. I wish I could say I was just calling to catch up on things. Nine days ago, the Hera left here on a routine courier mission. We were in contact with them for five of those days. Then the ship disappeared without a trace.
PICARD: The Hera?
HOLT [on monitor]: I'm afraid so. The Excelsior and the Noble have been retracing its course for the last seventy two hours. Nothing. I'm going to keep them at it for another seventy two. But to be honest, I don't think another week would make any difference.
PICARD: I'll inform Commander La Forge.

The Hera is Intrepid class, with a majority Vulcan crew. It won't be recovered for another ten years in a novel.

We haven't a clue what class the Excelsior was, it's only other appearance was in an Okudagram back in "The Measure of a Man."

The Nobel (Chakoteya made a typo) would later fight in the Dominion War. It was of the Olympic class (the one that with the spherical primary hull).

RIKER: Geordi, the probe has entered the planet's atmosphere and I'm ready to take it onto the ship. If you would like to take a couple of days off, I'll run the interface.
LAFORGE: The interface is calibrated specifically to my visor's inputs. It would take you at least ten hours to convert it, and those crewmen down there can't wait.
RIKER: The interface doesn't have to be fully compatible. I could run it right now. I wouldn't have the same control that you have, but it would still work.

Let's put aside the question of how fast Riker could have VISOR inputs temporarily connected to his brain, he hasn't been trained to interpret the visual signal. The obvious backup would be Data, it surely can't be that hard to run the signal through one of those hookup cables from "A Fistful of Datas."

I get that Riker wants to give Geordi a break, but they've served together long enough for him to know that Geordi knows his duty and would want to help people in trouble. Geordi can focus on the mission for a few hours and return to grieving afterwards.

LAFORGE: About twelve metres up the main corridor. He's trapped under some conduit from the bulkhead. I can't move it. I'm going to need more power to the tractor beam.
CRUSHER [OC]: Go to eighty percent of tolerance, Data. No higher.

What does the power in the tractor beam have to do with the power being channeled through Geordi's brain? Did they really program this probe to require more concentration from Geordi to increase power to something.

[La Forge's quarters]

(his Dad's on the monitor - played by Ben Vareen)

I watched Zoobilee Zoo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oowOsEOTApA) as a kid, but of course I had no clue who Ben Vareen was until I watched Roots.

LAFORGE: Dad. Don't you think everybody's jumping the gun here? Last I heard there were still two starships out there looking for them. They've found no debris, no residual warp distortion.

Geordi may be clutching at straws, but you have to admit that he has a point. If I was in the Corps of Engineers I know I'd want to design warp cores so that if they explode people would be able to track it.

This is a big problem with this episode. Geordi's journey may be about letting go of his mother, but they never bothered to actually reveal what happened to the Hera!

DATA: No. I have completed the adjustments on the interface. I am now waiting for Commander Riker to finish moving the probe. Do you need to be comforted?

That last line irks me for some reason. It seems more like a Season 2 or 3 line, not Season 7. Data should be more astute than this.

DATA: I am using the time to catch up on my study of poetry.
LAFORGE: Data, there's nothing on the screen.
DATA: That is not entirely correct. While it is true the display is currently blank, this emptiness has a poetic meaning. Therefore it cannot be considered nothing as such.

The word "poetry" doesn't really apply here. Poetry by definition includes words. By all means if Data wants to search for artistic meaning in blackness it's his right, but he shouldn't call it poetry.

LAFORGE: Says who?
DATA: The ancient Doosodarians. Much of their poetry contained such lacunae or empty spaces. Often these pauses measured several days in length, during which poet and audience were encouraged to fully acknowledge the emptiness of the experience.

Of course this is the only mention of Doosodarians. I would argue that meaning derived from silence is different from meaning derived from blackness.

LAFORGE: Am I crazy to think that she's still alive?
DATA: Your sanity is not in question. However, your evaluation of the available information is biased.

Thank goodness someone was willing to say it.

LAFORGE: It's just that, if she really is dead, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Are you telling me that Jeremy Aster accepted death better than this guy?

[Nate the Great]

TROI: What's your mother like, Geordi?
LAFORGE: If you think I'm going to start talking about my childhood, Counsellor, you're way off.
TROI: That's not what I asked.

As someone who's worked with mental health professionals I can tell you that this kind of nonsense is self-defeating. Obstinate insistence that you're not crazy will NEVER convince anyone that you're not. Furthermore, approaching counselling with the mindset that you won't let yourself be helped just means that you're wasting everyone's time with wheelspinning.

TROI: When was the last time you saw her?
LAFORGE: About seven months ago, when she first took command of the Hera. I went to a party she had for her crew. She wanted me to come over and see her, but I was really busy at the time. I mean I suppose I could have made the time to go and see her, but, you know, I just didn't think that. I mean, you know, I, I didn't think that
TROI: You didn't think it would be your last chance to see her.
LAFORGE: That's not what I was going to say.

Self incrimination and coulda/shoulda/woulda statements aren't constructive, and frankly Starfleet Academy should train their cadets to recognize this destructive behavior in themselves.

TROI: You're worried about the disappearance of your mother, guilty that you didn't see her when you had the chance, so you're unwilling to consider that she might be dead. Your need to believe she's alive is so strong that it manifests itself as a physical image.
LAFORGE: But she told me she's trapped on that planet, that she's in danger. Now, if this was some kind of wish fulfillment, don't you think I'd be fantasising her safe and sound?
TROI: No. Because that would be the end of your fantasy. You'd know it wasn't true. The more involved and complicated and unending your story is, the longer you can believe your mother's still alive.

They both have good points here, but I think Troi dropped the ball here by not considering the third option: there's an external alien influence here.

DATA: I have been exploring the possibility of using a tractor beam to pull the Raman from the atmosphere. However, the high level of interference prevents a positive lock.
RIKER: If we set up some sort of relay system?
DATA: That is my conclusion as well, Commander. Two shuttlecraft, staggered between the Enterprise and the Raman, with their shields adjusted to refocus the tractor beam.

I find this idea ridicuous. I would prefer using a small group of shuttlecraft above the interference using their tractor beams to maintain the position of the shuttle that's deeper down looking for the Raman.

LAFORGE: Well the Hera could have accidentally created a distortion that emptied out right here at Marijne Seven.
PICARD: Why here?
LAFORGE: The Hera passed near this planet just ten days ago.

This would've been nicer to know earlier. Furthermore, Geordi would've been able to come up with this theory after his first encounter with his "mother."

PICARD: I want you to know that I am not unsympathetic to what you're going through. Your mother's disappearance is tragic, but I cannot risk your safety on the basis of a dubious hypothesis.
LAFORGE: Captain, if I'm right and there's just one chance in a million that she's alive
PICARD: I'm sorry, Geordi. My decision is made.

Yeah, this is where you relieve Geordi of duty.

RIKER: I just don't like the idea of one of my best officers putting himself in unnecessary danger.
LAFORGE: I guess I feel like I should be the one to decide whether it's unnecessary or not.

Oh boy, is that NOT Geordi's call. It's Riker's. This one needed more discussion.

RIKER: My mother died when I was a baby. All I have is pictures, and the stories that my father used to tell me about her. I begged him to tell those stories over and over. When I was five and I went to school, I started to tell my new friends those same stories, pretending that she was alive. Then I started believing that she was alive, that she'd just gone away, that she was coming back. The teacher got wind of this, and she and my father had this talk with me. They told me it was important to accept the fact that my mother was dead and that she wasn't coming back. And all the hoping in the world wouldn't make it so. In my mind, that was the day that my mother actually died. I cried all that night. But after that, it started feeling better.

A good speech, but it would've been nice to have it earlier, probably in "The Icarus Factor."

LAFORGE: Your mother was dead. There was proof. There was a body, and a funeral. It was a reality.
RIKER: Geordi.
LAFORGE: If I could see a body, if there were wreckage, I could accept it, but my mother has just disappeared.

Again, Starfleet training should've covered this. And Geordi is operating on the premise of "I need to be convinced 100% that she's dead, anything less might as well be nothing." Complete nonsense. As we all know, only Sith deal in absolutes.

DATA: I suspected you would attempt to operate the interface alone.
LAFORGE: Did you?
DATA: I am familiar enough with your behaviour patterns to predict certain decisions.

You'd think Picard would've ordered the thing locked down ages ago.

LAFORGE: Data, if I leave without knowing for sure, then I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life, wondering if I left her to die. I couldn't do that. That's why I've got to do this.

Even IF she's down there, it's Picard and Riker that would be guilty of her death, not Geordi. By anyone's definition he's done all that he can, enough to have a clear conscience.

DATA: I will monitor the interface and attempt to keep you safe. I can not have you confined to quarters for something you have not yet done.

Oh boy, is Data dancing on that mutiny line. Starfleet has confined people for mere intent lots of times in the past.

DATA: We are at ninety percent of tolerance. My calculations show you will reach one hundred percent of tolerance before you are in range of the Hera.
LAFORGE: Then we're going to have to go beyond tolerance.

Ugh, is that a stupid statement. Would people on both sides of the camera stop acting like things like thin lines between safety and danger exist?

PICARD: Meanwhile, I will have to write this incident into your permanent record.
LAFORGE: Yes, sir.
PICARD: Dismissed. Geordi? I'm very sorry that you didn't find your mother.
LAFORGE: Thank you, sir. You know, it was funny. When I was down there, it was so real. I felt like I had a chance to say goodbye.

Well, now Geordi is in the same camp as Worf and Riker. The resolution of Geordi's issue was way too easy, though. I despise it when the writers run out of screentime to resolve the moral properly.

The Fiver

Holt: Oh yes, our ships are so much safer in fleets, like the fleet at Wolf 359.
Picard: Um... transmission loss, breaking up....

Missing first lines alert!

La Forge: Don't worry sir, I'm sure everything will work out. Starfleet declares people dead all the time and yet they turn out alive.
Picard: That regulation only applies to the senior bridge crew of the Enterprise.
La Forge: Mom's doomed!

Hehe.

Riker: Well couldn't we route it through the Holodeck or something?
La Forge: Oh please, like the Holodeck could control anything.

This would've worked better if the episode was BEFORE "Ship in a Bottle".

La Forge: The Raman is a mess. Dead bodies, flashing lights, fire. Why do we want her back again?
Data: The Raman will be issued a new crew to go out and die valiantly.

I don't get where this came from. The Raman will return in the game Starship Creator, but the events were set before this episode.

Data: I have an explanation. Geordi had his hands too close to my bread heater implant.
Crusher: Bread heater implant? You mean a toaster? You're a walking toaster!
Commander Maddox: (over subspace) I KNEW IT!

That joke was too much of a stretch.

Picard: Geordi, I don't mean to call you a liar, but isn't your explanation a little farfetched? I mean, ships just don't appear out of nowhere.
Riker: (over the comm) Captain, I've updated our itinerary with USS Bozeman.

This doesn't work. The Bozeman came out of a known spatial anomaly. There's no proof of such here. And generally speaking spatial anomalies in Trek tend to make themselves known.

Picard: I've decided your punishment will be to listen to my newest speech on the Prime Directive. Don't be afraid to ask questions.

You monster!

Memory Alpha

* They would've done the story with Riker earlier, but apparently it was too similar to "Emissary." I don't see it, none of the Prophets pretended to be the people that they looked like, even the one that took over his mother.
* The crew thought that it was scraping the bottom of the barrel to introduce Geordi's mom. I think they were being overly pessimistic, and perhaps a bit lazy. Any premise, no matter how "lame" can be made into a good episode. "The Thaw" comes to mind immediately.
* The script used Noble, not Nobel, maybe that's where Chakoteya got it.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Geordi asks for a tractor beam to pull the debris off the dead crewman before checking to see if he's dead. Oops.
* The ship is full of ammonia and methane, so Phil has a problem with the probe blowing a hatch. I would argue that for ammonia and methane to explode you also need oxygen, which Geordi doesn't mention.
* The holodeck thing also occurs to Phil.
* Actress Madge Sinclair also appears as the captain of the Saratoga in STIV. She's probably Geordi's great-grandmother.

[Nate the Great]

October 11th, 1993, "Gambit Part 1"

Fiver by Derek (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=gambit1)

The Episode

TROI: You're lying.
BARTENDER: And you're a Betazoid. I thought so.

All Betazoid actors wear contact lenses that make their irises look a bit bigger than humans. I don't think it was worth the trouble since it was never pointed out often enough. I do recall how it was used as a plot point in the novel "The Minds Eye."

YRANAC: The man you're looking for was here several weeks ago. There was a group of aliens sitting at this table. He was asking them questions.

Yranac is a Yridian. What he would consider "alien" is a question. Frankly, I think that in the Trek future the term shouldn't be used for the humanoid races, only the truly different like Tin Man, Q, Sheliak, etc.

YRANAC: He was thrown against that wall and fell there.
(Crusher scans it with her tricorder)
CRUSHER: I'm picking up some Starfleet fibre traces and human cellular debris.

The inconsistent scanning range of tricorders is always annoying. Especially in a place like this where there would be no reason for a dampening field.

RIKER: You don't understand. I can't give the eulogy because I won't be at the service.
TROI: A memorial service helps to give everyone a sense of completion. Helps them begin the healing process.
RIKER: That's exactly the point. I don't want to heal.
TROI: Will.
RIKER: I've an open wound, right here. It hurts like hell. I don't want it to get better, and I don't want to pretend that everything's all right.

Every time stuff like this comes up it makes the events of "The Bonding" more ridiculous.

TROI: I know you're angry.
RIKER: You're damn right! And I intend to stay angry until I find whoever's responsible for the Captain's death.
TROI: That's pretty selfish of you. Do you think you're the only one in pain? Do you think you have the monopoly on loss? Well, let me tell you something. We're all hurting, and we're all angry. And whether you like it or not, you have a responsibility to this crew, and you can't just indulge your personal desire for revenge.
RIKER: That is enough, Counsellor. Deanna. I'm sorry. This is not about revenge. This is about justice. The Captain died in a bar fight for nothing. Somebody has to answer for that. Then I can mourn.

I think there's a difference between revenge and justice, and it's bigger than most people think. Troi did go too far, by the way. Riker isn't claiming a monopoly on loss or anger and frankly it sounds like Troi was the one that snapped, not him.

WORF: Commander, I am receiving a transmission from Admiral Chekote at Starbase two twenty seven.

I have to scratch my head at this name choice. Surely Chakotay's character had been written by now even if Beltran hadn't been cast yet. Why create confusion?

There is speculation that Chekote was supposed to appear on Voyager, but I doubt that. Incidentally "Chakotay" supposedly means "Man who walks the Earth but who only sees the sky".

CHEKOTE [on monitor]: I suspect you're right. The question remains, are you the one to pursue this?
RIKER: The Captain's death hit me pretty hard, and I may not be completely objective, but there is no one who is more determined. I won't rest until I find out who's responsible.
CHEKOTE [on monitor]: All right, Commander. I'm officially placing the Enterprise on detached duty. Your mission is at your discretion. Good luck.
RIKER: Thank you, sir.

My biggest problem is that the Enterprise has other missions to do. Riker should've been given a firm deadline. "I can reassign your next few missions, but remember that the Enterprise is needed on Planet X for Reason Y in 2 weeks, so that's all you get to investigate."

YRANAC: Ah, Commander Riker. I've been meaning to speak to you. I was wondering if you could move me to better quarters. I don't care much for the decor here.
RIKER: These are the best quarters we have.

Does the decor really change all that much between standard guest quarters? I don't think this guy is worthy of the fancier suites that the admirals stay in. Actually, this reminds me of that holographic wall thing that the quarters were supposed to have in the series bible. Each guest can configure it to their liking.

RIKER: What do you want?
YRANAC: Not a great deal, Commander. Just a shuttlecraft. I believe I'd like to travel for a while, see more of the galaxy. You understand.

I have trouble with the idea that a person can live in a shuttlecraft long term. Even a runabout (which we know the Enterprise has) would get claustrophobic eventually.

RIKER: Take us out of orbit. Set course for the Barradas system, warp six.

Enjoy warp six while you can, Will, the speed limit hits in two months!

DATA: Aye, sir. Commander, as Acting First Officer, I must question your decision to accompany the away team. If Captain Picard were here
RIKER: He's not.
DATA: I realise that, sir. But if he were, and he wanted to lead an away team, you would tell him that the Captain's place is
RIKER: On the Bridge. Not this time.

Actually, Will, there isn't any particular reason why you would be more effective on this away mission. At least when Picard takes charge there's a reason, whether it's historical curiosity, the need for diplomacy, or whatever. In this case Data can arrest these guys and shoot a phaser at least as good as Will can.

A key problem with this episode is that we're too far into the series for it to be plausible. The whole point of Best of Both Worlds is that Riker was mature enough to be captain. His antics here just serve to prove that Jellico was right. And you never want Jellico to be right!

DATA: Bridge to Transporter room two. Can you get a lock on the away team?
CHIEF [OC]: Negative, sir. There's too much interference.

I suddenly wonder who the transporter chief is now, and how well O'Brien trained him. I realize that it was too far into the series to introduce a new transporter chief, but giving these people names would've been nice.

NARIK: (more spiky, Harper-esque) I warned you not to push the engines so hard. Two of the power shunts are on the verge of collapse. We'll be lucky if we can maintain warp six.
BARAN: How long will it take to repair?
NARIK: I can try to realign the warp core. It'll take at least eleven hours, but I'll have to shut the engines down completely.
BARAN: We're not stopping. We can't afford to be sitting helpless in space. I want warp eight available in five hours, and I don't want to hear your excuses.

I hate captains that are this poorly written. I know that the short definition of "captain" is "wants the impossible", but Baran is taking things too far. He should be asking for viable options, like a nebula or planet with thick atmosphere, not this "rewrite reality to suit my whims" nonsense.

RIKER: William T. Riker, Commander, SC two three one dash four two seven.

The whole name, rank, serial number thing is just stupid, at least in Trek.

BARAN: Dangerous? It might be profitable. A Starfleet Commander is a valuable hostage.
VEKOR: Starfleet won't negotiate with us, but they'll pursue us as long as we have him.

This is another interesting screed that I could write, but I'll skip it.

[Nate the Great]

RIKER: And what Riker might that be?
PICARD: Commander of the Enterprise formerly assigned to the USS Hood.
RIKER: That's right.
PICARD: Then you must be the William T. Riker with a history of insubordination. He was even once relieved of duty, during the Cardassian incident at Minos Korva.

This is a reference to "Chain of Command". I'm surprised that the name Riker isn't better known for that itsy bitsy thing called "saving the entire Alpha Quadrant from the Borg."

DATA: Perhaps these artefacts have a special value to the Romulans.
WORF: The Romulans?
DATA: These structures were built by the Debrune. That race is an ancient offshoot of the Romulans.

In the comic prequel to Trek 11 it was stated that Nero's staff was a Debrune artifact. Yet another example of the support staff trying to respect continuity even if the writers don't.

RIKER: A witness said they saw you vaporised.
PICARD: These mercenaries use weapons that can activate their transporter. It gives them the opportunity to beam things quickly, just by firing at them. That's what they did to me.

Are these projectile weapons, or some sort of energy beam that leaves a charge on the victim? Either way, there are further questions that must be answered.

PICARD: The site that I wanted to study had been raided. A lot of the artefacts had been stolen. The site had been practically destroyed. I wanted to find out who was responsible. I tracked them to that bar on Dessica Two. I must have asked too many questions. They captured me.

And you didn't inform Starfleet...because?

PICARD: What? Calder Two isn't just another archaeological site, you know. It's a Federation outpost there.
...
PICARD: They also have a minimum of two phaser banks and possibly photon torpedoes. Is that enough to worry about?

From Generations we know that planet-based torpedo/probe launchers exist, I just question their effectiveness in a battle situation on a planet. Firing on a target within the atmosphere would require thrusters which are slower than impulse engines, giving time for a counterattack. Firing on a target in orbit would create disturbances large enough to give the ship ample opportunity to return fire or move out of the way.

TALLERA: Do you enjoy living dangerously, Galen? Baran can kill you in an instant if he activates his control device.
PICARD: I doubt that he'll do that. I've increased the accuracy of the identification process by a factor of ten. I'm the best person to analyse these artefacts. Baran knows that.
TALLERA: He may need you now, but I know Baran, and I can tell you he's not going to back down forever. You accomplish nothing by provoking him.

A good point. I think that on some level Picard is enjoying playing out a Dixon Hill scenario in real life. He shouldn't be this dumb.

WORF: Commander, we are receiving some kind of signal from the mercenary ship. These are Commander Riker's access codes. He is attempting to shut down our shields.
TROI: That doesn't make any sense. He knows those codes would have been changed as soon as he was captured.
DATA: That is correct, Counsellor. He does know. Mister Worf, prepare to drop the shields.

We could have a jolly time debating whether or not Data has learned intuition since "Redemption," but I'd rather give the credit to his Holmes program.

[Nate the Great]

The Fiver

Riker: Admiral, I'd like to find the people who killed Captain Picard.
Chekote: I understand. I'm sure finding them will help you deal with your grief.
Riker: Grief? I'm in command of the Enterprise because of them, I'd like to buy them a drink!

Root beer, I presume. It's so cloying and bubbly and happy...

Geordi: It's strange. These artifacts look like they've been scooped off the face of the planet.
Riker: Wait, so the Borg did this? I thought we'd laid to rest the Locutus storyline.

In your dreams, Will.

Baran: What should we do with the Starfleet officer?
Narik and Vekor: Burn him!
Baran: And what do we burn apart from Starfleet officers?
Galen: More Starfleet officers!
Baran: Suddenly I am overcome by a very strange sense of irony.

This Monty Python joke needed a little more meat to it...

Narik: Aah! The ship's just kicked into overdrive! It's going to explode!
Galen: The computer seems to be infected by an Iconian virus like that one time on the Enterprise.

It seems to me that a "11001001" reference would be funnier, but whatever...

Tallera: What's your malfunction? Why are you opposing Baran?
Galen: I'm just trying to prove that I can be a shady, amoral mercenary.
Tallera: Don't give me that. I know you're just a Mary Jayne.

I'm missing some references here...

Baran: So now what are you going to do?
Riker: I saw this in a movie once. We get the command codes for the ship and tell it to lower its shields!
Baran: Sounds like a pretty stupid movie.
Tallera: It was. I much preferred the two after it.

I know this is a Generations joke, but the Wrath of Khan interpretation is also interesting when you think about it...

Memory Alpha

* Gene was adamantly against space pirates, it goes back to the series bible. Rick Berman jokingly blindfolded the bust of Gene on his desk when talking about this episode. My immediate rejoinder is that there are few plots that wouldn't work with the right writing, but unfortunately this episode does not have good writing. I remember when SF Debris complained that Gorta back in "Firstborn" had more personality in ONE SCENE than these pirates had in TWO EPISODES.
* Shankar's problem with the episode is that nobody will buy that the Captain is really dead, so we're just killing time until the Captain comes back. I agree, if we wanted to do this story it really needed three episodes and Picard wouldn't have appeared until the end of the first one to provide the cliffhanger.
* The bridge of the marauder ship is a redress of the battle bridge. Which surprised me, I thought the battle bridge was converted into other sets after "Best of Both Worlds".
* The TNG Companion speculates that Picard may have chosen "Galen" to honor his old professor. My immediate rejoinder is whether or not the TNG Companion can provide any alternate hypothesis. I mean, I want to scream "DUH!" in the Companion's proverbial face.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil is shocked that Data would lecture Riker about the whole "captain's place is on the Bridge" thing, then lead an away mission himself when he becomes acting captain.
* Back in "Chain of Command" when Data became acting First Officer he changed to a red uniform, but he doesn't when it happens again here. I would argue that in this episode it was explicitly temporary (Data would've asked for a replacement captain after this mission) while in "Chain of Command" it was a bit more permanent.
* Phasers don't work at warp, yet Data tries to lock phasers at warp. Oops.

[NAHTMMM]

Jayne is an amoral mercenary in Firefly. I don't know where the Mary comes from.

[Nate the Great]

Presumably it's a modification of the cliched Mary Sue (who did originate in a '70s TOS fanfic, incidentally).

[Nate the Great]

I'm sorry that I've fallen so far behind, Real Life reared its ugly head again. However, I couldn't pass up a chance to do something for the thirtieth anniversary of the airing of "All Good Things".


I taped AGT that day, along with the Viewer's Choice Marathon (https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Star_Trek:_The_Next_Generation_Viewers_Choice_Mara thon) and Journey's End (https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Journey%27s_End:_The_Saga_of_Star_Trek:_The_Next_G eneration) the week before.



At the time I thought AGT was awesome and I watched the tape over and over again, but eventually my opinion cooled on it. Frankly, once the new car shine wears off the episode's true nature is revealed. And that nature is one of my least favorite Trek episode themes: people thinking the main character is insane. We'll return to this when I do the proper retrospective entry.

[NAHTMMM]

Yeah, "people think the main character is insane/lying/just a child" is often not a Fun plot element for me either.

[Nate the Great]

I need TNG to be done before Voyager starts, DS9 can wait.
I'm also thinking that I'll run through the first ten movies when TNG is over.

October 18th, "Gambit Part Two"

Fiver by Derek (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=gambit2)

The Episode

WORF: Direct hit to the port nacelle. Only minimal damage. Hit to the starboard nacelle. Still, no appreciable damage.
TROI: Will must've done something to their weapons.
DATA: I believe you are right, Counsellor. It is now up to us to play along. Release inertial dampers and cut power to decks thirty one through thirty seven.

You do realize that Main Engineering is on Deck 36, right? Surely there are other places that you could subject to a blackout. I also think Data should've called for the maneuvering thrusters to be cut (making the ship seem to be adrift) rather than the inertial thrusters (which will make everyone dead when they bash into the walls).

And it occurs to me that there should already be a preset program to make the ship appear damaged.

WORF: Sir, we cannot be able to track them with our sensors if they go to warp. I can still disable them.

It occurs to me that some of the probes on board could be refit to remove most signal sources and turned into a tracking device that could be launched onto an enemy ship. Of course such a thing would be useless against a Romulan warbird or other large ships, but something as obsolete and small as the pirate ship wouldn't be able to detect it.

BARAN: How long will it take to repair our battle damage?
NARIK: It will take at least five hours to replace the antimatter containment unit.
BARAN: You have three hours, Narik. One minute beyond that and you'll answer for it with your life.

Under these circumstances I don't think demanding a shorter repair time with a death threat is a good idea. Narik has no reason to inflate his repair time, and he won't be able to fix anything if Baran kills him.

WORF: Their maximum speed is warp eight point seven. It will take them at least fourteen hours to reach that position.
LAFORGE: We could be there in five.
DATA: Make it so.

Eight point seven? On a ship with less than ten people on it? A ship that's a hodgepodge of various techs being held together with spit and hope? A ship that doesn't even have one proper engineer on it? You've got to be kidding me.

DATA: You continually question my orders in front of the crew. I do not believe this is appropriate behaviour.
WORF: With all due respect, sir, I have always felt free to voice my opinions even when they differ from those of Captain Picard or Commander Riker.
DATA: That is true. But in those situations, you were acting as Head of Security, not as First Officer. The primary role of the second in command is to carry out the decisions of the Captain in this case, me.

And it's times like this that the series format really falls apart. I get that they can't waste time having Starfleet send over an interim Captain, I really do. But there needs to be SOME sort of logic being used.

Frankly I'm not a fan of the chain of command consisting only of senior officers, there should be some Command division Lt. Cmdrs. in the lower decks who can step up. In any case this is not the time for this debate, Crusher should be in command with Data as First Officer.

DATA: Once I have made a decision, it is your job to carry it out regardless of how you may personally feel. Any further objections should be given to me in private, not in front of the crew. I do not recall Commander Riker ever publicly showing irritation with his Captain as you did a moment ago.
WORF: No, sir.

Fair enough, but this doesn't seem like the appropriate time. Now that I think of it Worf should've had his shot at command by now ("The Emissary" doesn't count) just like Data did in "Redemption".

Or they could've made Crusher the acting Captain with Data as First Officer. It would've been simpler and provided more time for character development on the pirate ship.

DATA: Dismissed. Mister Worf, I am sorry if I have ended our friendship.
WORF: Sir, it is I who has jeopardised our friendship, not you. If you will overlook this incident, I would like to continue to consider you my friend.

A good moment. Data has made progress, even if he still has a long way to to.

RIKER: As a matter of fact, it was Baran who sent me here. He told me to pretend to be friendly with you and help you organise a mutiny, so he can determine who your supporters in the crew and then eliminate them.
PICARD: What a tangled web we weave. I have difficulty remembering whose side I'm on.

It is a bit funny, I just wish this stuff was in a better episode.

PICARD: I have been looking over the glyphs and pictograms from the Calder Two artefact. And although I don't have enough data to translate all the inscriptions, the alphabet and symbology is much more consistent with early Vulcan than Romulan.

It's an interesting question that I could write quite a screed on. How much ancient Vulcan culture would be kept by the proto-Romulans? After all, at least at first there would be no reason to hide the connection.

RIKER: Do these artefacts have some religious or cultural significance, something that would make them valuable enough to kill for?

Valuable to who? While I have no doubt that the Romulans wouldn't have a problem with buying pre-Schism artifacts, they wouldn't be valuable enough to kill for.

PICARD: So, what will Baran do once he's obtained the second artefact?
RIKER: You're supposed to verify its authenticity, and then I'm supposed to kill you, and I take your place.
PICARD: Will, you always seem to be after my job.

I get the joke, but this never made sense. Picard is on board as an archeology expert for this specific "job". Once it's over Baran would have no need for a villainous archeologist. Riker is useful in a completely different sense, his duties on a pirate ship would be completely different.

I do wonder how much baseline archeology knowledge any given Academy graduate would have.

TALLERA: I will not play games with you. I found the message you sent to the Enterprise. When Riker was using his command codes to drop their shields, you sent them a transmission on the same carrier wave. You're a Starfleet officer. Do not deny it. It is the only logical conclusion. My name is actually T'Paal, and I am a member of the V'Shar.
PICARD: Vulcan Security?
TALLERA: That is correct.

Oddly enough the V'Shar never appeared again in canon. I would've thought they could've integrated it into Enterprise, but then again it's doubtful any of the creators over there cared about details this obscure.

TALLERA: First things first, Galen. Who are you?
PICARD: I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Enterprise.
TALLERA: Very well.

That acceptance seems a bit too easy. There are any number of questions that should follow it.

TALLERA: To answer your question, for several years now, there has been a small but growing movement of extreme isolationists on Vulcan. A group that believes contact with alien races has polluted our culture and is destroying Vulcan purity. This group advocates the total isolation of Vulcan from the rest of the galaxy and the eradication of all alien influences from our planet.

This seems rather illogical considering the IDIC. Furthermore you'd think Vulcan would be one of the first planets to allow discontented citizens to leave and form their own society on another planet.

TALLERA: I am sure you are familiar with the ancient history of my people, before we found logic, before we found peace.
PICARD: You were much as my people once were. Savage, warlike.
TALLERA: There was even a time when we used our telepathic abilities as a weapon. A time when we learned to kill with a thought.

I've recommended the novel The Lost Years before, and I have to do it again. The true potential of telepathy as a weapon is really explored there.

TALLERA: The Stone of Gol is real, but there is nothing supernatural or magical about it. It is a psionic resonator, a device which focuses and amplifies telepathic energy. It is one of the most devastating weapons ever conceived.

I was going to write a screed about the range of Vulcan telepathy (most of it is touch telepathy, or perhaps a few feet, after all), but then I wondered if conveying thoughts requires a "tighter signal", and a Vulcan could broadcast "static" farther.

PICARD: But according to the legend, the Stone was destroyed by the gods when the Vulcan people found the way to peace.

I didn't notice that bit before, Vulcans having "gods". I suppose I could write a screed tying this into Mintakan culture, but I won't.

[Nate the Great]

Acting Captain's log, stardate 47160.1. The Enterprise is entering the Hyralan Sector, which I believe to be the next destination of the mercenary ship.

Calling these guys "mercenaries" seems a bit odd to me, but that's another screed.

DATA: According to the terms of the Klingon-Federation Treaty, Koral has every right to free transit through Federation space. We cannot board or search his vessel without cause.
WORF: Yes, sir. However, the Treaty does give us the right to conduct health and safety inspections of any ship in our space.
TROI: Health and safety inspections?
DATA: I am not sure that using this clause as an excuse to conduct a search would be consistent with the spirit of the Treaty.

This one seems like a stretch. Furthermore the Enterprise's sensors should be able to handle one shuttle with sufficient sensor coverage.

(Koral is the tallest Klingon in the galaxy, standing head and shoulders above the shuttlecraft hatch, let alone Worf)

Koral is played by basketball player James Worthy, it was Robert O'Reilley (Gowron) that got him into acting on the show.

BARAN: I have an additional task for you, one that will prove your loyalty. This raid is an opportunity to get rid of Galen. Once you've found that artefact, kill him.

I thought Picard was supposed to verify the artifact before Riker kills him!

DATA: Lieutenant Worf has programmed our replicators to make a very good approximation of Klingon bloodwine. I believe you will find it to your liking.
(Koral pours it onto the carpet)

"Drink not with thine enemy."

PICARD: According to Baran's logs, we are to deliver the two pieces to the T'Karath Sanctuary on Vulcan.
TALLERA: I know that place. It was an underground stronghold for one of the factions during the last civil war. It's been abandoned for centuries.

What civil war? I thought the Vulcans had peace after the proto-Romulans left. I suppose in retrospect we could call this a veiled Enterprise reference, but I'd prefer not to.

PICARD: For example, this symbol represents the Vulcan god of war and this is the god of death, but if you look really carefully, you can see a third symbol missing.

I'm still having trouble with the idea that the Vulcans of Surak's time still had gods. Surely they would've passed that Mintakan-like threshold before Surak.

PICARD: You'll never get away with this. Starfleet will never stand and watch you tear apart one of the founding worlds of the Federation.
TALLERA: How little you understand what you're facing, Captain. You're used to fighting enemies like yourself. People on ships with defence shields, energy weapons, warp drives. But this is unlike anything you've ever faced. This is the power of the mind.

And again I must ask why they haven't come up with shields that block telepathy yet. You'd think the Vulcans could manage it in the two thousand years since Surak.

DATA: What will become of the resonator, sir?
PICARD: Satok has assured me that all three pieces will be destroyed.
DATA: It is unfortunate it cannot be studied. The resonator is a key artefact from a remarkable period of history.

Yeah, about that. I assume when they say "resonator" they mean that the composition and shape of this thing redirects telepathic energy. Why does it have to be destroyed to become unusable? Surely you could beam out the "marrow" of the thing and replace it with inert material? Like welding a plug into an antique firearm to make it unusable.

PICARD: Number One, will you set course for Starbase two twenty seven. I'll join you on the Bridge shortly.
RIKER: Wait a minute. You've been declared dead. You can't give orders around here.
DATA: If we are to adhere to the exact letter of Starfleet regulations, then technically, sir, you have been declared a renegade. In fact, I believe you are facing twelve counts of court martial offences. You cannot give orders either, sir.
PICARD: That's quite right. And as I'm supposed to be dead, I'll go and get some sleep. And, Mister Data, I suggest that you escort Commander Riker to the brig.
DATA: Aye, sir.
(Picard enters his quarters)
DATA: (taking Riker's arm) This way, sir.
RIKER: Data, he was joking. You know that, right? Data?

Always a funny scene. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a73gZ04Vz2E)

The Fiver

Worf: Let's bring the shuttle aboard with a tractor beam and search it.
Data: I don't know. We might give the pilot a heart attack or something.
Worf: Yes, but by the terms of the Klingon-Federation Treaty, we are allowed to search and give seizure.

That pun hurt.

Riker: Let me add a few more charges.... from my phaser! Mwahahah --
Greedo: ZAP!
Riker: Gak!
Galen: Didn't see that one coming.

Hey! Han shot first!

Tallera: Grr. In that case I have an announcement for the crew, Galen is Picard!
Crew: Yeah, so?
Tallera: Not quite the response I was looking for.
Crew: Sorry.

Guy hiding in the back: Hey! I thought he was really Professor X!

Picard: Drop your weapons! The Stone of Gol only responds to aggression; think happy thoughts!
Riker: Like puppies!
(WHIFF!)
Worf: And chili!
(WHIFF!)
Chili Joke: GAK!

Is that chili joke from an Enterprise fiver?

Memory Alpha

* The TNG Companion notes the Vulcan/Romulan schism happening before Surak. I still don't buy it, unless you're going to tell me that the Romulans forgot some of their supporters.
* One of the pirates reuses the Varon-T disruptor prop. You'd think the thing could've been modified beyond recognition by now.
* The chain of command thing is brought up, calling Worf a mere line officer while Crusher and Troi are staff officers and thus higher up. However, I think this is backwards, as the Expanded Universe Wiki (https://stexpanded.fandom.com/wiki/Line_officer) (not to be confused with Memory Beta) says that line officers have to have specialized training to command where staff officers have the command training included in their basic training. Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Staff_and_line) agrees with the latter interpretation. To summarize, all redshirts are trained in Command whether or not they intend to specialize in Command or be a helmsman or whatever. Yellowshirts and blueshirts have to have extra training to be allowed to command. Geordi is also brought up as outranking Worf in this case since he has been a helmsman (like Ro).

Nitpicker's Guide

* Since Baran is so paranoid, how did Picard get a weapon?
* The mercenary ship is only invisible to sensors while at warp, so how did they get close enough to the ship to beam over a boarding party?
* Why does Baran have an implant to shock himself with?

[Nate the Great]

October 25th, 1993, "Phantasms"

This episode has good character work, but I warn you there be Treknobabble nits ahead...

Fiver by Nic (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=phantasms)

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 47225.7. Commander La Forge has completed the installation of our new warp core. We are preparing to test its capabilities.

Couldn't he at least mention the starbase that they just left where the new core was installed. "Day of Honor" implies that external aid isn't technically needed, but I would sure want the help! Furthermore, I would have to imagine that Starfleet would want a backup ship nearby until the new core is "broken in" and the danger has passed.

PICARD: I just got a message from Starfleet command.
RIKER: Bad news?
PICARD: You could say that. I've been invited to the annual Starfleet Admiral's banquet.
RIKER: My condolences.
PICARD: I've managed to avoid it for the past six years, but now it would seem my luck has run out. I can't think of anything more tedious. Fifty Admirals shaking hands, making dull conversation, uninteresting food, boring speeches.

I'm not going to ask why a captain was invited to an admiral's banquet. I will ask why Picard even RSVP'ed to begin with. Surely such an event is voluntary, it's not like Picard is looking for a raise or promotion.

LAFORGE: Nightmares are part of dreaming, Data. Maybe you've just discovered another new level to your programme.
DATA: Perhaps.

I'm not going to do the research to come up with a psychological reason for nightmares, that sounds boring even to me. I will ask why it would take nine months before he would have one, and I will ask the purpose of a nightmare to Data before he has emotions. The only emotion Data is able to express at this time is curiosity.

LAFORGE: I'll tell you what. Why don't you help Farrell check the deuterium cartridges. I'm just about to bring the warp core online. All right?
TYLER: Anything you say.

Deuterium cartridges? Talk about meaningless technobabble. The deuterium stream should be coming directly from the pods, not some interim mechanism. If anything it should be antimatter "cartridges", there would be a reason to keep small doses of antimatter isolated from the rest.

Furthermore, it's weird that the warp core uses deuterium (a hydrogen atom that has a proton and neutron) instead of protium (a hydrogen atom that's just a proton). I get that the creators want to use a fancier word than hydrogen, but protium is just as exotic. Storing protium and antiprotium would be easier and more efficient than having pointless neutrons around. Plus making antideuterium is much harder to do than making antiprotium.

DATA: Geordi, you do not seem to appreciate Ensign Tyler's enthusiasm.
LAFORGE: She's enthusiastic all right. About me.
DATA: I do not understand.
LAFORGE: She's got a crush on me, Data.
DATA: You do not share her affection?
LAFORGE: Exactly.

Whether or not Geordi likes being chased is a screed by itself. I'll just say that none of the department heads should be dating within their own department. It just creates too many issues.

LAFORGE: It's a thing of beauty, isn't it? Now let's see how fast she can run.

What does the warp core have to do with the speed of the ship? All it does is make warp plasma for the coils in the nacelles. And if the implication is that it can make higher-energy warp plasma, you'd still have to retrofit the rest of the ship to carry the plasma to the nacelles without causing damage.

Couldn't they have mentioned that the warp coils in the nacelles were replaced at the same time?

LAFORGE: I'm on it, sir. There's a warp plasma conduit out of alignment, but I think I've got it fixed now.

You'd think the ship would be running self-diagnoses on the conduits all the time to anticipate these things. Then again, maybe the conduits were replaced along with the warp core and the misalignment was between the old and new stuff.

PICARD: Very well. Ensign Gates?
(all the lights go out)
PICARD: Mister La Forge?

That's just stupid. The fusion engines would be able to handle the lights if there's a momentary power failure.

DATA: I have been watching Spot sleep. In the past fifteen minutes, he has had twelve muscles spasms, which indicates he was dreaming. I have often wondered what Spot dreams about. His twitching and his rapid breathing would seem to suggest anxiety, but Spot has never seen a mouse or any other form of rodentia. He has never encountered an insect, or been chased by a canine.

This seems odd. You can't keep a cat inside an apartment all the time. Surely Data would release Spot into a holographic field from time to time so he can experience new places and chase holographic mice.

(Data plumps the pillow, gets under the sheet fully clothed, kicking Spot off, and approximates a yawn)
DATA: Computer, dim lights.

Always funny (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBFC8bbiHW0).

(Data's dream. Worf is eating a piece of blue cake decorated with a comm. badge)
WORF: Mmm. Delicious.
DATA: What kind of cake are you eating?
WORF: It is cellular peptide cake with mint frosting.

The way Worf says "with mint frosting" has stayed with me all these years.

DATA: My internal chronometer was supposed to wake me thirty five minutes ago.
WORF: You must have overslept.
DATA: That is not possible. Something is wrong.

Yeah, Worf is being dumb. This introduces further questions about how the dream program works. Would Dr. Soong really add an oversleeping subroutine? How much real time does it take for one of Data's dreams to happen? Do they happen immediately or is there a delay?

DATA: I will compare my autonomic logs with the ship's chronometer. Perhaps we have overlooked something.

What's that supposed to accomplish? We're not given any indication that his internal clock is out of synch with the ship's computer like back in "Schisms."

FREUD: Your mechanistic qualities are trying to reassert themselves over your human tendencies. Ego and id struggling for domination. The workmen symbolise the ever present id constantly working to destroy the ego. Now the image of Counsellor Troi, a female, is devoured by you, clearly indicating an unconscious desire to possess your own mother.

And people wonder why Freud isn't respected so much anymore. What nonsense. Not everything comes back to Oedipal and Hamlet complexes, dude!

FREUD: The knife in its violent connotation suggests a certain feeling of sexual inadequacy.
DATA: but I have no sexual desire.
FREUD: Ach! Impotence on top of everything.

1. Why would Data feel sexual inadequacy? Putting aside his full functionality, sexual inadequacy is an emotion and he doesn't have those.
2. What does lack of sexual desire have to do with lack of sexual performance?

DATA: I do not believe I am being helped by this session.
FREUD: Classic transference. Your anger toward me is, in fact, the animosity you feel toward your father.

Oh, the screed that could be written about Data's "animosity" toward Soong...

NAKAMURA [on viewscreen]: Captain. We were expecting you this morning. Is there a problem?
PICARD: Actually, we have been experiencing a few minor difficulties with our new warp core, but my Chief Engineer assures me that we will be under way within the hour.
NAKAMURA [on viewscreen]: You're not trying to avoid this particular engagement, are you, Picard?

Come to think of it, why can't Picard call for another ship to take him to the banquet? The repairs don't require his presence. This would even be a good time to take the Captain's Yacht!

[Nate the Great]

LAFORGE: It looks like we've blown the entire power converter, Captain.

Power converter? The warp core is specifically designed to produce the exact warp plasma that the warp coils require. The extra power for the rest of the ship would have to be converted for local use, but that has nothing to do with the warp engines.

TROI: I think you're developing an almost obsessive interest in your own inner workings. I'd almost call it the beginnings of a neurosis.
DATA: That is not possible.
TROI: Why not? You've eliminated all the technical explanations. And it makes sense that as your neural net becomes more complex, more human, that you might experience the same kind of psychological complexities as a human.
DATA: Do you really think it is possible?
TROI: Data, you must be the first person who's come into my office and been excited at the prospect of a new neurosis.

Ha ha.

PICARD: Unfortunately, the problem has affected our impulse systems. At the moment, we are adrift.

What? The impulse engines have their own fusion reactors! Furthermore, it's not the impulse engines that prevent "adriftness", it's the stationkeeping thrusters!

PICARD: Have you tried reconfiguring the plasma conduits?
LAFORGE: Yes, Captain. Two hours ago.
PICARD: What about the relays? Are you absolutely certain you don't need a new phase invertor?
DATA: I am currently running a level three diagnostic of the relays, sir. We will have the results of the analysis in approximately ten minutes.
PICARD: I see. Oh, perhaps I could reconfigure these isolinear chips.

Yeah, this one is just stupid. Besides, Picard doesn't want to go to the banquet! Is this just ego about not having control of the ship? That seems more like a Kirk thing than Picard.

WORF: Ever since you gave Alexander that music programme, he's been playing it all night, every night.
RIKER: I just wanted to broaden his horizons. Besides, he likes it.
WORF: It is screeching, pounding, dissonance. It is not music.
RIKER: Worf, it's better than music, it's jazz.

Jazz is screeching, pounding dissonance? Don't you need electric instruments for that? I suddenly wonder how Will and Vic Fontaine would get along...

DATA: Unlike a canine, Spot does not respond to verbal commands. (hands him to Worf who holds him at arms length) Goodbye, Spot. He will need to be fed once a day. He prefers feline supplement number twenty five.
WORF: I understand.
DATA: And he will require water. And you must provide him with a sand box. And you must talk to him. Tell him he is a pretty cat, and a good cat.
WORF: I will feed him.
DATA: Perhaps that will be enough.

You'd think after "Force of Nature" Geordi would've insisted on cat training. I must admit confusion as to Worf's resistance to full pet duties. He had a targ as a kid, and the Roshenkos seem like they would have pets.

CRUSHER: They appear to be extracting our cellular peptides. It's roughly analogous to the way terran leeches consume haemoglobin. If they're not removed soon, our bodies are going to lose all their cellular cohesion. We'll collapse into nothing but a few pounds of chemicals.

A few pounds? Is Beverly implying that the non-water part of our bodies is only a few pounds?

LAFORGE: What we want to do, Data, is link your neural net into the holodeck and have you activate your dream programme, so as you dream we can observe the dream images.
PICARD: Perhaps we can learn more about these creatures by interpreting the symbols and images of your dreams.
DATA: I see. The concept is similar to the method of directed dreaming.
PICARD: Exactly.

I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't be that simple. Plus this has nothing to do with directed dreaming.

PICARD: Mister Data, what kind of cake is this?
DATA: It is cellular peptide cake.
WORF: With mint frosting.

The mint frosting is essential!

LAFORGE: I do recognise that junction they're working on. It's the plasma conduit we installed with the new warp core.

So they replaced ONE plasma conduit? It must've been a broken part that they decided to replace along with the warp core and it's not an upgrade or anything.

LAFORGE: Well, we're going to have to manufacture a new conduit. That's at least six hours work.
PICARD: Six hour? The banquet will be completely over by then. That's very unfortunate.
LAFORGE: I can try and speed things up a bit.
PICARD: No, no, no. I wouldn't want to sacrifice the safety of the ship.
LAFORGE: Understood, sir.

Ha ha. I'm glad that they're implying that there are industrial fabricators on board and you can't just replicate everything.

The Fiver

Data: Excuse me, no repairs were authorized on this deck.
Construction Workers: Damn the bleeping Starfleet regulations. Did you know that in the Maquis, if something's broken, they just fix it?

What does this have to do with the Maquis? This joke seems like a stretch. There really should be a parallel between the Maquis and the episode's events to justify it.

Picard: Well, I'm going. They must hear my fascinating theories on the Egyptian-Hittite battle of 1294 BC.

This is a reference to the Battle of Kadesh, the oldest battle that we know of that actually employed formal tactics and formations. The battle was a stalemate.

Worf: A modified warp core on a Starfleet ship that works? Hah! And targs fly!

He does present a valid point.

Nakamura: Oh Captain, you could always email us your insights into the Egyptian-Hittite battle. Or drop the subject entirely! It was a draw!
Picard: It was not! The Egyptians won! Ramses II says so!
Nakamura: And why should Ramses II be trusted?
Picard: Because he wasn`t influenced by Romulan astronauts, like those deceptive and double-crossing Hittites!

The first reference was cute, but explaining the joke doesn't make it funny. Plus I think the Romulans would be on the Egyptian's side.

La Forge: (over the comm) Okay, let's try out the new warp core again.
Riker: Everyone say Edsel!

I get that this is a Threshold reference, but people who know the history of the Edsel would laugh even more. Basically the Edsel is what happens when people muck around with an established design to "modernize" it without thinking about why the established design is established.

Troi: Lalala... I've got faith, of the heeeart...

What does Enterprise have to do with this situation?

Data: If you encounter a warp core breach and start believing you're impervious to antimatter explosions -- I'm still dreaming.

This one makes sense.

Picard: Sweet nightmares, Mr. Data!
Data: How thoughtful of you, sir.
Picard: Do you perhaps want a little bedtime story? A Stephen King novel? Anne Rice?

This seems like a missed opportunity to riff on scary Trek literature. The autobiography of Neelix, or Wesley's latest fanfic, or whatever.

Memory Alpha

* They kept the modified warp core prop to use for one of the alternate Enterprises in "Parallels".

Nitpicker's Guide

* Why is Data "sleeping" when the warp core is broken?
* Phil has a problem with Crusher saying that the interphasic organisms are attached to their bodies with tendrils, then showing some of them on their uniforms. I question this, is there a reason why the tentrils (and their mouths) can't reach through the holes in the weave?
* The cat used to portray Spot before and after Worf cares for him (he's still a him at this point, FYI) are quite different? This implies that Worf killed the original (male) Spot and replaced him with a new female Spot who will get pregnant for "Genesis".

[Nate the Great]

November 1st, 1993, "Dark Page"

No fiver

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 47254.1. A delegation of the Cairn have just come on board. This telepathic species has no concept of spoken language, and is being instructed in its use by an old friend.

This premise falls apart at the slightest resistance.
1. If this species never had a need for spoken language until they entered the galactic community, how do they have vocal cords?
2. Why is Lwaxana here? We're never given any indication that she's trained in anything other than being a member of the aristocracy, so why is she able to teach anyone? Furthermore, why would she be able to comprehend the Cairn's thoughts if they don't use conventional words?
3. If the Universal Translator can translate the Companion, why can't it translate the Cairn?
4. Lwaxana will soon say that the Cairn don't think in words, but images. So how could they develop any technology at all, much less warp drive?

LWAXANA: Of course, they realise that they'll want to communicate verbally if they join the Federation.

I'm confused at this. Plenty of times we've seen Horta wear personal translators because they can't communicate verbally. And don't even try to tell me that the UT can't make a direct connection with the language center of the brain, because obviously they can!

LAFORGE: It's called a visor. It enables me to see.
HEDRIL: (a little girl) Like my vocal enhancer. It helps me make sounds.

The metaphor didn't make sense with Riva's chorus, and it doesn't make sense here.

LWAXANA: Aren't you going to mingle, Mister Woof?
WORF: I do not care for telepaths. They make me uneasy.

I've already said that it's far FAR too late to continue the Mr. Woof joke. Worf's feelings about telepaths could be a screed by themselves, I could speculate for a long time about the Romulan/Klingon alliance and so forth in relation to this idea.

MAQUES: Your mother told me of your need.
TROI: Need?
MAQUES: A moment. Husband. You need a husband. I need a wife.

Ugh. UGH. Putting aside Lwaxana's lack of tact and understanding, I'm offended at the notion that people have to be married to be happy. And frankly Lwaxana trying to get Deanna a husband is another plot that should've been dispensed with years ago.

LWAXANA: I just think it's time for you to settle down.

In an age when people routinely live to be over a hundred years old why is Lwaxana so dead set on Deanna having a child NOW? Furthermore, even she should see how self-sabotaging her efforts are by now. She shows up, Deanna is exasperated, Deanna continues to be single, rinse and repeat.

LWAXANA: You are so precious to me. You're all I've got. If something happened to you I don't know what I'd do.

I get that Lwaxana is being reminded of Kestra right now, but this idea that Lwaxana is only happy when living vicariously through Deanna and possible grandchildren is patently ridiculous. She's aristocracy back on Betazed and it's definitely implied that she has many friends back there.

MAQUES: Your mother is the first to learn our telepathy.
TROI: You mean you've never had telepathy with someone who wasn't Cairn?

What? Lwaxana wasn't part of the First Contact team, so how did Starfleet communicate with the Cairn until a powerful telepath could be contacted? Are Vulcan mind melds really not enough?

TROI: I was all set for another round of arguing when all of a sudden she just fell apart.
RIKER: She's under a lot of stress. She's preparing the Cairn to meet with the Federation Council.

The Federation Council? The Cairn are nowhere near ready to formally join the Federation, so shouldn't they still be working with the diplomatic delegation?

RIKER: Mrs Troi.
LWAXANA: Don't you Mrs Troi me.
TROI: Mother!
LWAXANA: Why don't you leave her alone? If it weren't for you she'd be married by now.

A loaded topic. She thinks that if Deanna had never met Will again she'd be dating more? Possible, I suppose, but very troublesome.

I suddenly wonder what Lwaxana would think of Tom Riker (before he defected to the Maquis, I mean).

(Maques pricks his finger on a rose thorn)
TROI: Flowers of all hue, and without thorn the rose. It's an old earth poem by John Milton.

From Paradise Lost, Book 4. Why is Deanna quoting poetry to people who only recently learned about words?

TROI: This is something I think you'll find interesting. It's a jewel plant from Folnar Three. The plant secretes a resin which is collected within the blossom. By the time the bloom has faded, the resin has hardened into a rare and beautiful gem.

An interesting idea, although there are only a few "gems" that can be beautiful without crystal facets.

LWAXANA: I remember the day I took this.
TROI: Mister Homn said he saved it in case someday you wanted to remember her.

This is odd, because we were given the implication that Mr. Homn started working for Lwaxana fairly recently because his predecessor Mr. Xelo became obsessed with her. So was Xelo just an interim manservant, or did Xelo give the picture to Homn on his way out?

Memory Alpha

* The page brings up the Xelo/Homn thing and agrees that Xelo gave Homn the picture.
* Only one of three episodes that there isn't a scene on the bridge.
* Only episode in TNG where Lwaxana appears without Homn. The actor was unavailable.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Worf doesn't try to correct the "Mr. Woof". One of Phil's readers pointed this out.
* Given the Betazoid's telepathy, is it really possible that none of Lwaxana's friends mentioned Kestra to Deanna?
* For that matter, wouldn't Kestra be in Ian's Starfleet record?
* The stardates given in this episode don't even try to adhere to 1000 units=1 year.
* Phil wonders how Homn can speak with Deanna when we've only heard him say "thank you for the drinks". Well, the answer is obvious. Homn only speaks with his employers, which Deanna would count as. He only said "thank you for the drinks" because he was tipsy. In the novel "Imzadi" when Lwaxana is dying he says "She's waiting for you" to Will.
* Wouldn't Lwaxana have a telepathic link with Kestra and notice that she had wandered off?
* Phil wonders where Deanna got her accent when neither Lwaxana and Ian sound like her. Did Deanna go to a boarding school where she was forced to use an archaic accent?

[Nate the Great]

November 8th, 1993, "Attached"

Fiver by Marc (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=attached)

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 47304.2. The Enterprise has arrived at Kesprytt Three in order to evaluate an unusual request on the part of the Kes for associate membership in the Federation.

Given that they were working on Voyager by now, I wonder why they recycled the name "Kes."

CRUSHER: Are you worried about this mission with the Kes?
PICARD: Not worried exactly. This notion of admitting half of their planet to the Federation while leaving the other half out.
CRUSHER: First of all, the Kes are not half the planet, they're nearly three quarters of it. And the Prytt are not being left out. They themselves simply don't want to have contact with anyone from the outside. not the Federation or anyone else.
PICARD: Every member of the Federation entered as a unified world, and that unity said something about them. That they had resolved certain social and political differences and they were now ready to become part of a larger community.

SF Debris raised some good questions about this issue. While I can see the idea of requiring united world governments, I don't think that it should be an ironclad requirement. I do wonder why the Federation can't move the Kes to another planet.

CRUSHER: Well, think about Earth. What if one of the old nation states, say Australia, had decided not to join the World Government in twenty one fifty? Would that have disqualified us as a Federation member?

The interesting thing about this whole thing is that the World Government didn't exist until well after first contact, and the Vulcans obviously don't have this hangup about unified governments.

CRUSHER: The last thing I remember we were beginning to transport.
PICARD: I would assume we must be on Kesprytt. We're in some kind of prison cell.

I'm a bit confused about how either the Kes or the Prytt learned enough about Federation transporter systems to reroute the signal.

CRUSHER: It looks like an implant. It seems to be connected directly to the brainstem.

How does she know this? She doesn't have her tricorder right now!

LORIN: You are being held under the authority of the Prytt Security Ministry. The charges are conspiring with the enemy.

I don't see how the term "conspiring" applies. The Prytt don't want to interact with aliens, but that doesn't give them the right to stop the Kes from doing so.

WORF: Commander. The Transporter sensor log shows an unusual concentration of antigraviton particles in the emitter coil.
DATA: A concentration of antigraviton particles suggests a tractor beam. It might have deflected the transporter beam to a different set of coordinates.

Yeah, that's nonsense.

PICARD: There may be a structural flaw that would allow us to escape.
CRUSHER: Right.

If you can't see the flaw with your eyes, there's no chance that it's large enough to allow for the bars to be bent. Picard is just staying busy.

PICARD: There is a way out of every box, there is a solution to every puzzle. It's just a matter of finding it.

I could've sworn this quote was from "Allegiance", but I guess not.

PICARD: Do you mind thinking of something else. You're making me hungry.
CRUSHER: What do you want me to think about?
PICARD: Something other than a large bowl of vegetable soup.
CRUSHER: My grandmother used to make it, with peas, carrots and
PICARD: Beverly!
CRUSHER: I'm sorry.

I missed this additional reference to Felicia Howard.

PICARD: You're right. We can't react to every random thought that crosses the other person's mind. Isn't astonishing, though, how much clutter there is in a consciousness. Odd memories coming to the surface. Bits of half-remembered songs.
CRUSHER: Stray day dreams, scattered minutiae. I wonder how true telepaths sift through it all. How can they really get to what someone's thinking if the minds keeps churning all this flotsam to the surface?

Oh yeah, do I get this. My thoughts can wander quite far if given the chance.

CRUSHER: I mean, you're acting like you know exactly which way to go, but you're only guessing. Do you do this all the time?
PICARD: No, but there are times when it is necessary for a captain to give the appearance of confidence.

Ha ha. I bet Kirk did this way more often than Picard ever did.

PICARD: I'm beginning to realise that you seem to always have some acerbic remark on the tip of your tongue.
CRUSHER: Well at least I've trained myself not to say it anymore.

Acerbic means sharp or forthright. Brusquely honest. This doesn't seem to fit with Beverly's personality, it sounds more like a Torres thing.

MAURIC: Of course not. How could you know if your Captain and Doctor were meeting secretly with the Prytt? Meeting in order to set up a military alliance with the Federation.

I'm having trouble believing this. The Prytt don't just hate the Kes, they're isolationist to a fault. They don't want to talk to aliens. Furthermore, why would the Federation want to make an alliance with the minority faction instead of the majority one?

MAURIC: It was a clever scheme. First, you pretend to lose your officers during transport, then you ask us for help and get us to expose several of our undercover operatives in the process.

Hey, you offered the help of Kes security! I'm reminded of "The Voyager Conspiracy" here...

[Nate the Great]

CRUSHER: I'm beginning to think there's not a single thing on this planet we can eat.

I hate this notion. It was one thing when it happened in "The Apple" on a planet that had no animals, it's a different situation here. It stands to reason that Kesprytt was also seeded by the Projenitors, so why would they do so on a planet that can't support humanoid life?

PICARD: You see, I think that breakfast should be a simple meal and recently you've been ordering these elaborate things.
CRUSHER: Coffee and croissants, that's all you really want, isn't it? Coffee and croissants. Well why didn't you just say so?

This seems a little too simple for breakfast.

CRUSHER: No, I usually prefer something simple myself but I thought you might enjoy more variety.

I'm having trouble equating "variety" with "complicated".

CRUSHER: I guess I always knew that there was an attraction between us right from the start, but I never knew how strongly you felt. Why didn't you ever tell me you were in love with me?

Given the events of "We'll Always Have Paris" and "Allegiance", this seems rather disingenuous.

CRUSHER: And when Jack died you felt guilty.
PICARD: I felt guilty before he died. Having feelings like that for my best friend's wife. And then later, after the accident, I promised myself that I would never tell you know how I felt. It would be like betraying my friend
CRUSHER: That's why you didn't want me on the Enterprise seven years ago.

I recommend the novel "Q-Squared" for a different take on this scenario. In an alternate universe it was Wesley who died instead of Jack. It led to the breakup of their marriage, and by the time he takes command of the E-D (the Battle of Maxia went very differently) with Picard as first officer Picard and Beverly were already a couple, but they failed to hide it from Jack.

PICARD: I didn't know how I would react. And then, little by little, I realised that I didn't have those feelings any more.

One assumes that Beverly is choosing to go along with this blatant lie.

RIKER: Now, the matter of our missing officers.
LORIN: They are still charged with spying, Commander. I have heard nothing here which would alter that.
RIKER: Then maybe you should consider this. If anything happens to them, Starfleet is going to want a full investigation, which means more starships will be coming to Kesprytt and those ships are going to want answers which puts your country under a very large and very uncomfortable microscope. Remember how unhappy you were when we contacted just one of your people without authorisation? Well, just think of what it'll be like. Ten starships asking questions, contacting hundreds of your people. Massive sensor sweeps. They may even start sending down away teams. All because you wouldn't help me find my missing officers.

Exactly. Starfleet will not let Picard and Crusher stay prisoners.

PICARD: Now that we know how each of us feels, perhaps we should not be afraid to explore those feelings.
(she kisses his cheek)
CRUSHER: Or perhaps we should be afraid.

One big problem with this is that they explored Picard's feelings so much that Beverly didn't have the chance to work through her feelings. You'll note that all she admitted to was being attracted to Picard when they met.

And of course an unaddressed problem is that she's just as much his subordinate as Neela Darren. So the problems from "Lessons" are even bigger here.

The Fiver

Data: My analysis shows the Captain and Doctor did not have travel insurance.
Riker: Makes sense. Transporting is supposed to be safe and foolproof.
Worf: That is what Lieutenant Barclay keeps claiming.

This seems like a stretch for the sake of a punchline.

Riker: The Captain and Doctor were kidnapped by the Prytt?
Mauric: Yes. They're fanatic isolationists who accuse us of being paranoid.
Riker: Why would the Prytt say that about the Kes?
Mauric: Because they're all out to get us!

This doesn't work because the Prytt ARE out to get the Kes. Any paranoia is justified.

Crusher: Over the years, I've learned not to say every stupid thing that pops into my mind.
Picard: You mean that there's still hope for Deanna?

This joke might've worked in Season One, but in Season Seven it's just insulting to Deanna.

Crusher: You were in love with me? Why didn't you ever tell me or my husband?
Picard: It's wrong for two Starfleet officers to be involved with the same shipmate.
Crusher: I guess you're right. Deanna's lucky she's never had that problem.

This one is too much of a stretch. The Riker/Troi/Worf thing, while stupid beyond belief (I refer you to the novel Imzadi II), never included a married couple.

Picard: Should we explore the feelings we've discovered for each other?
Crusher: We'd better not. I'm worried we'll end up like Will and Deanna.
Picard: Call me an optimist if you want, but I still have hopes for those two.
Crusher: Show me a wedding invitation from them and I'll believe you.

"Sure, but you're going to have to wait nine years!"

Memory Alpha

* Last appearance of Picard's black yoke jacket, possibly because he left it in the cave on Kesprytt.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Why didn't Worf stay in the transporter room to confirm Picard and Crusher's safe arrival?
* Phil bashes Picard for discarding his jacket because it has many uses when trying to survive in the wilderness.
* He's also confused as to why they'd stop and build a fire instead of continuing to the border (and using the jacket to keep warm).
* He has a problem with Picard saying that he doesn't have those feelings anymore when obviously he does. I'm willing to chalk this up to covering his back because Beverly hasn't said how SHE feels yet.
* The Tech Manual says that a tricorder can act as a communicator, so why didn't they try to contact the Enterprise. I'm willing to say that the Prytt can scramble communication signals (relying on cables, of course).
* The "nausea radius" of the implants changes several times.

[Nate the Great]

November 15th, 1993, "Force of Nature"

Oh boy, is this going to hurt...

Fiver by Marc (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=forceofnature)

The Episode

DATA: Has Spot been misbehaving?
LAFORGE: So far she's broken a vase, a teapot, she's ruined one of my chairs using it as a scratch post, and she's coughing hairballs up all over my carpet.

Ever since the revelation of transparent aluminum I have to question how anything not explicitly an antique can be breakable in the Trek future. I don't see Geordi having breakable stuff. Furthermore I have to ask why Spot has usable claws if she will NEVER have to hunt anything. As for hairballs, where is she getting the stuff to form those? I thought the ship cleaned itself, including hair!

LAFORGE: She won't come when you call her? Data, have you ever considered training this cat?
DATA: I never found it to be necessary.

Why not? Surely Data encountered the concept when absorbing all of human knowledge on the subject of cat ownership.

DATA: The unusually intense tetryon fields in this sector pose a severe navigational hazard to warp driven vessels. The Hekaras Corridor is the only route through the area which is free of tetryon fields. Ships travelling at warp must use the Corridor to ensure safe passage through the region.
PICARD: How long will it take to complete a level one search?
DATA: At least two days, sir. The Corridor is over twelve light years long, and the surrounding tetryon interference will limit our sensor range.

Why are people using the Corridor for anything other than local travel? Not to be a jerk, but twelve light years is NOTHING in terms of warp travel. The detour would be less than a hundred light years. Frankly the planets here should've been evacuated decades ago so the whole area can be avoided.

TROI: Hekaras Two is inhabited, isn't it? Maybe they've had contact with the Fleming.
RIKER: They haven't. I've already spoken to the Hekaran government.

Ugh. Subspace communications use the same paths as warp travel. And if there was a series of relays set up to allow communications, they would want to load the things up with sensors while they were added.

CRUSHER: The Fleming was carrying a supply of rare biomimetic gel, which is very valuable.

First appearance of biomemetic gel. This raises more questions about how the Federation can be moneyless while surrounded by governments that use money. For that matter, why isn't this stuff being carried by a larger ship?

LAFORGE: You know the Intrepid?
DATA: Yes.

Assuming that this Intrepid is the first of the class, it's extremely coincidental if the variable pylons deal with the damage discovered in this episode. Have I mentioned how much I hate the variable pylons lately?

LAFORGE: This is the flagship. We should be better than everybody else.

I get the sentiment, but it's a bit short-sighted. No one ship can be the best at everything. The flagships are designed to be the best all-around ship, but other classes will always be better at specific things because they were designed at different times and under different circumstances.

Even back in the TOS days the expanded universe was full of ships who had better speed, better weapons, better sensors, etc. than the Enterprise, but never all at the same time.

DATA: I began with simple conditioned response exercises and followed with environmental enhancement. Next I plan to explore bioconditioning devices.
LAFORGE: Devices?
DATA: Such as sensor nets for behaviour modification or biofeedback motivators.

I'm not a fan of wiring sensors and tasers to pets. It really makes Data look lazy. I would respect him more if he sent Spot to the ship's animal trainer.

LAFORGE: I've got an idea. How about a phaser? A low stun setting at just the right moment might do the trick.
DATA: Geordi. I cannot stun my cat.

I fail to see the difference between a low stun and a "biofeedback motivator". Furthermore, you want pets to respect you, not fear you.

DATA: Phase alignment is stabilised. However, sensor efficiency has increased by only an additional one point three percent.
LAFORGE: It's not much, but every little bit going to help.

And the subplot is over. I refer you to the SF Debris review for how stupid this whole thing is.

WORF: It is a Ferengi transport ship, D'Kora class.

And yet they use the standard Ferengi marauder model. I don't think Ferengi would use "transports", either for people or cargo. They'd hire other people for both of these to free up their own ships for more profitable tasks.

DATA: Life support systems are also functioning at low levels. There are approximately four hundred fifty Ferengi on board.

This seems excessive. We know that they don't travel with their civilians, so I woud imagine that Ferengi would automate everything possible to save on costs.

LAFORGE: Captain, Ferengi sensors are still online. I could modify one of our deflector emitters to transmit old style delta waves. If I modulate that with a comm. signal, the Ferengi should be able to pick that up.

You'd think ordinary radio would be adequate for this purpose.

PRAK [on viewscreen]: Do not toy with me, Picard. We are obviously at your mercy, but know this. When the Ferengi Council learns of your actions, they will consider this an act of war.

Ferengi Council? I'd imagine that the Ferengi have something akin to a constitutional monarchy. A Parliment, not a Council.

DATA: Spot. Spot. Spot, down. Spot, down. Down. Spot. (lifting the cat off the desk) Down. This is down. Down is good. This is up. Up is no.
(doorbell)

Data may have infinite patience, but Spot does not. He should call in a professional for this job.

(Spot meows, and Data goes to the replicator)
...
(Spot meows again and Data fetches her a toy)
LAFORGE: I don't know about Spot, but it seems to me your training is coming along just fine.

Hehe.

LAFORGE: I just received this from Commander Kaplan, subspace.
(Data reads from a PADD)
DATA: La Forge, I got the Intrepid's power conversion levels up to ninety seven point one percent. Maybe you should try cleaning your plasma grid once in a while.

Plasma grid? This sounds like something in the nacelles. And that should be someone else's job to maintain. But maybe the maintenance staff is spooked by the remains baked into the wall. ;)

LAFORGE: What do you want?
RABAL: (male) We're trying to make you listen.
SEROVA: (female) You're killing us.

I still think this is one of the most infuriating precommercial break crises in all of Trek, up there with that monster that "ate" Lisa Cusak.

PICARD: If you wanted us to review your research, you should have made a request through the Science Council.
RABAL: Their resources are limited. It would have taken over a year before they dispatched a science ship to come and evaluate our work.

Really? I doubt that the Science Council works via a strict queue system. Surely there's SOME leeway on which order requests are done in.

But let's make it perfectly clear, this is terrorism. Period. Both of these schmucks should be in the brig right now.

RABAL: We dispersed verteron probes in the Corridor merely to disable warp-driven ships. Nothing more.

And what if a "Brothers"-like scenario was happening? A death would be on your heads!

RIKER: The fact remains you deliberately disguised your probes. You made them look like signal markers. You hid them in debris field. You mined the Corridor.

Exactly!

PICARD: Because of the seriousness of your claim, I'm willing to listen to your case. But let there be no mistake. Our priority here is the recovery of the Fleming. Now I expect you to help us restore our engines and deactivate all of the remaining probes in the Corridor. If you do not, you will both be taken to the brig and from there to the nearest Starbase, where you will answer charges for what you have done.

No! You let them help, THEN you throw them in the brig. Cleaning up their own mess shoud never negate their jail time, just decrease it a bit.

SEROVA: Rabal, don't. The probes are the only leverage we have. If we--

So you want to cross from misunderstood terrorism to REAL terrorism. Gotcha. Mr. Worf, you don't need to be picky about putting the key where you can find it...

LAFORGE: What if the Fleming had been transporting perishable supplies or was on an emergency mission? Your little plan might have cost a lot of lives.
SEROVA: That didn't happen, Commander.

Oh no, you don't get to claim the moral high ground here. "I got lucky" is not an adequate defense against committing acts of terror.

SEROVA: There's no point in trying to talk to you. You've already decided not to listen.

Why should he, Serova? You damaged his ship and put lives at risk!

RABAL: But please, try to understand. She believes profoundly in this cause. She has sworn to dedicate her life to exposing the dangers of warp drive.

How does any of that justify terrorism?

LAFORGE: Warp drive has been around for three centuries. It's a proven technology.

Of course it's a proven technology, you two are talking to each other when it would be impossible without warp drive. You should've said "safe technology!"

[Nate the Great]

RABAL: Well I hope so, because once we persuade Starfleet to stop warp travel through the Corridor, we're going to have to convince our own people to give up warp drive completely.
LAFORGE: Hekaras Two is the only inhabited world in this region. Without warp drive, you'd be completely isolated from the rest of the Federation. Are you really willing to take that step?

And they can't evacuate the planet...because? It's stuff like this that makes the power conversion ratio stuff even more pointless and infuriating! It took time away from the actual plot and the actual issues!

PICARD: It's like pacing up and down on the same piece of carpet. Eventually you wear it out.
DATA: That analogy is essentially correct, sir.

So route traffic around the area like I suggested earlier!

SEROVA: That's your response? More research? More delays. I suppose I shouldn't have expected anything different.

Okay, what's your alternative? You want to completely cut off your planet from the rest of the galaxy based solely on your own opinion, without even consulting your own government? WHY are we supposed to like this woman?

DATA: Captain, the Hekaran ship's engines are beginning to overload. I believe Serova's attempting to create a warp core breach.

We've seen over and over again that there are easier ways to create a warp core breach. A phaser will do it.

For that matter, how is overloading the engines supposed to make the core explode? Surely there are built-in failsafes to stop the plasma flow to the engines!

DATA: I suggest we coast into the rift.
RIKER: Coast?
DATA: We can initiate a brief, high intensity warp pulse from our current position. We should be able to attain sufficient velocity to enter the rift, beam the crew off the Fleming and exit without using our warp engines.

Yeah, this is nonsense. The nacelles aren't rockets pushing out plasma, they're literally warping space. No warp, no push, period.

DATA: If we field saturate the nacelles, we should be able to sustain warp speed for approximately two minutes.

More nonsense. My answer would be to change the frequency of the plasma and the warp field enough to "tiptoe" through the rift. Yeah, it'll damage the engines, but at least they'd actually be turned on as opposed to this "coasting" nonsense.

RABAL: I don't think we can look at space travel the same way anymore. We're going to have to change.
LAFORGE: I've been in Starfleet for a long time. We depend on warp drive. I just don't know how easy it's going to be to change.
RABAL: It won't be easy at all.

A key problem with this entire premise is the notion that ANY warp travel ANYWHERE will open a rift, which is nonsense. The carpet was worn down in this area, it is not worn down everywhere.

Which makes the idea that Voyager's variable geometry nacelles negates this effect ridiculous. In the Delta Quadrant there are no "warp highways", there are no worn areas of carpet.

DATA: Captain, warp pulse calculations are complete. We will be firing the engines at maximum intensity for six point three seconds before disengaging.

You'll be firing WHAT at maximum intensity for 6.3 seconds? Are we talking about inflating the warp field like a balloon to many times its usual size and hoping that it doesn't deflate before we get out? Treknology doesn't work like that!

DATA: Hull stress is increasing. Eighty three percent of maximum tolerance and rising.

Increasing from what? The deflating warp field?

RIKER: Data, what if we forced an EPS discharge through the impulse reactor. Would that be enough to get us out of here?

What do the impulse engines have to do with warp travel?

DATA: I do not believe so, sir, and the resulting explosion would likely destroy the saucer section in the process.

You mean the entire ship, right Data?

LAFORGE: If can phase match our deflector shield to the EM variance of the distortion wave, when the next one hits we'll be pulled along with it.

What? First of all, I'm pretty sure the distortion wave is a consequence of subspace physics and has nothing to do with the EM spectrum. Second of all, sailing in space requires large surface area and small mass.

DATA: Captain, I suggest we take the ship to full impulse. If we can attain sufficient speed, it will lessen the shock when the wave hits.

I'm pretty sure the difference between 0c and 0.25c compared to 1c in these circumstances is pretty negligible.

Which raises an interesting question. No doubt 0.25c was chosen as full impulse as a balance between useful speed and minimizing time differentials in communications and scans, etc. But can you overclock the engines to get to 0.5c in emergency situations like this?

PICARD: Ah. We've received new directives from the Federation Council on this matter. Until we can find a way to counteract the warp field effect, the Council feels our best course is to slow the damage as much as possible. Therefore, areas of space found susceptible to warp fields will be restricted to essential travel only, and effective immediately all Federation vessels will be limited to a speed of warp five, except in cases of extreme emergency.

Complete nonsense. If you treat modern highways like they're just as susceptible to wearing damage as brick roads, nobody will be able to get anywhere.

PICARD: Very well. You know, Geordi, I spent the better part of my life exploring space. I've charted new worlds, I've met dozens of new species. And I believe that these were all valuable ends in themselves. Now it seems that all this while, I was helping to damage the thing that I hold most dear.
LAFORGE: It's won't turn out that way, Captain. We still have time to make it better.

The message would carry better if it wasn't so hamfisted and shortsighted.

The Fiver

Picard: Starfleet wants us to find the missing medical ship Fleming.
Data: It was last seen entering a region of space containing a dangerous tetryon field, and in which the Ferengi have recently been observed.
Riker: And Starfleet wonders why they've lost contact with this ship?

Is there a joke here?

La Forge: Sure. The biggest hole is in the top layer of the "O" zone -- can you see the main part for it anywhere?
Data: Yes, I believe this green piece is what we need.

Ugh. A key problem with the ozone layer analogy is that the contaminants in the ozone layer had a natural way to collect into one place that can get damaged more easily. That's not so in this episode, subspace was already weak here.

Riker: Besides, what do the Ferengi know about how mine warfare is waged?
Prak: Are you kidding? As an acquisitive society, we take the word "mine" very seriously!

Ha ha ha. :mad:

Rabal: Our research shows that warp drive is damaging the fabric of space near our planet. Its use in this region must be abandoned.
Serova: We've shown our data to the Federation Science Council, but they refuse to listen. They've even rejected our proposal to call this phenomenon "The Omega Effect."
Picard: Did they say why?
Serova: All they told us was that the name was already copyrighted.

Omega Phenomenon. And I don't think "copyright" is the right word to use here.

Picard: Can their theory be verified?
Data: Not without more research. Perhaps they should conduct an experiment in which a warp-driven ship would travel back and forth across this area millions of times.
Serova: That's unacceptable! It would take much too long!
Rabal: And getting a research grant application approved would take even longer!

Now that's a joke. What a shock, I like academia jokes...

Rabal: I'm sure she wants to do something more dramatic -- like handcuff herself to the nearest area of subspace instability.

That's a gag that's sadly fallen out of style. I still remember when Corey got his first kiss when handcuffed to a locker.... (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZnBYGX7PSQ)

Transport Technician: (over the comm) Energizing.
Riker: Well? Is the first group aboard?
Technician: The instruments say yes, but for some reason they're all invisible.

How is this situation like "The Next Phase"?

Picard: In order to prevent further damage to subspace, the Federation Council has restricted all starships to a maximum of Warp Five from now on.
Riker: But at that rate we'll never get anywhere!
Picard: Actually, we should be grateful. The Vulcan High Command wanted to impose an even lower speed limit on us.
Riker: Boy, those guys never let up, do they?

Odd place for an Enterprise joke.

Memory Alpha

* First episode where Spot is unambiguously female, as a setup for "Genesis".

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil talks a bit about the inconsistencies as to whether or not raising shields automatically triggers red alert (a reasonable shortcut, if you ask me).
* If the Enterprise is surrounding by a degrading warp field, how they can transport people from the stationary Fleming?

[Nate the Great]

November 22nd, 1993, "Inheritance"

Fiver by Wade (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=inheritance)

The Episode

JULIANA: Captain, our situation has worsened since my husband and I first contacted you. The molten core of our planet is not just cooling, it's begun to solidify.

One thing that bugs me is that this doesn't seem like a natural disaster that "just happens". Couldn't this be a side effect of overmining like Praxis?

PRAN: Our gravitational field has been affected. Seismic activity has increased by a factor of three.

I can buy increased seismic activity, but not gravitational effects. That's just dumb. Magma doesn't change density just because the temperature changes.

JULIANA: If the cooling continues at this rate Atrea will become uninhabitable in thirteen months.

I also don't buy that this is happening this fast. This whole scenario seems like a Q prank. I especially refer you to the Q Continuum novels where the reason the Iconians could move stars is because they HAD to. Their sun was artificially aged, so the entire civilization dedicated centuries to setting up transporter cages around their own sun and a donor sun to be beamed in as the old sun was beamed out.

LAFORGE: Data, do you think that's close enough for ferro-plasmic infusion?
DATA: The procedure will involve using the ship's phasers to drill down through the planet's surface into the pockets, where we would set up a series of plasma infusion units.

That's not the question Geordi asked, Data! I also don't buy ship's phasers being this precise. Just travelling through the atmosphere would diffuse the beams enough to prevent this kind of focus!

LAFORGE: We'll trigger the units by firing modulated energy bursts down through the shafts.

Modulated energy bursts...i.e. more phaser blasts. Some technobabble is just unforgivable.

JULIANA: I see. Injecting sufficient plasma directly into the core should trigger a chain reaction, and that will reliquify the magma.

A chain reaction of what? The radioactive isotopes in the magma?

DATA: You were a colleague of Doctor Soong?
JULIANA: Yes, I certainly was. And I was also his wife.

With all of the messages that Soong programmed into him you'd think he'd have spared one for Juliana.

DATA: Doctor, I have no memory of you.
JULIANA: Oh, there's a reason for that. We wiped your processors after we finished refining your programming.

Why?

DATA: Yes. All of the inhabitants of the colony were killed. However, I discovered that my memory banks contained the contents of their journals and logs.
JULIANA: We hoped their experiences would be useful.

I'm confused at that one. I prefer the interpretation that the Crystalline Entity was going to wipe all of the conventional computer systems and Data was a convenient place to archive them.

JULIANA: You had trouble learning your motor skills, learning how to process sensory information.

I'm surprised at this one, you'd think motor skills could be programmed in. After all, Data wasn't the first Soong-type android. Why aren't they talking about Lore and the other prototypes?

DATA: I encountered him once in the Terlina system.
JULIANA: That's where we went to after we left the outpost. I had no idea that you'd even met him.
DATA: It was shortly before his death.
JULIANA: He's dead?

I get it, the Internet didn't really exist yet when this episode aired, but even so, I would imagine that Data would've reported on his death back in "Brothers" and it would've made the local newspapers. Wouldn't Juliana also be subscribed to the science magazines that would mention it?

JULIANA: There we were, stuck on this planet in the middle of the jungle with no one else to talk to. No life. It just wasn't enough. That's why I left.

Did they officially divorce? Wouldn't there be a record of that?

LAFORGE: You know, Data, it almost seems to me like you're trying to prove that Doctor Tainer wasn't telling the truth.
...
LAFORGE: When you think about it, why would she want to lie? Why would anybody want to pretend to be your mother?
DATA: I can think of no motive for such a pretense.

Exactly. Data's autonomy has been established for years, he's not going to allow anyone to profit off of him.

JULIANA: Noonian walked in with your head in his hand and, innocent as you please, said it was up to me. He knew perfectly well what he was doing. Once again he had made it in his own image. What could I possibly say? (reads door name plate) Deanna Troi, is that who you're going to visit?
DATA: Yes.
JULIANA: Your father would be so pleased.
DATA: Pleased?
JULIANA: He was worried that the sexuality programme he designed for you wouldn't work.

Wouldn't she have read the transcript of his autonomy hearing, including the Tasha reference?

LAFORGE: Data, I reconfigured the phasers to create the most highly focused particle beam possible.

I don't like the implication that they have to modify the phaser to emit a particle beam. It didn't seem this complicated back in "Galaxy's Child".

PRAN: Someone's checked his calculations, of course.
RIKER: No, but I'm sure Mister Data knows what he's doing.
PRAN: Even so, he is a machine. Someone should check up on him.

Ugh. This is not the place to imply that Data is "lesser", we already have enough to talk about without throwing a bigot into the mix.

JULIANA: I'll have to practice. You don't have a viola?
DATA: I could replicate one for you. Computer, please replicate one viola.

It occurs to me that wooden instruments would be one thing that it might be hard to replicate perfectly. There are even more variables to consider than a lot of foods. I dabbled with the piano myself as a child, and I find the idea of trusting a computer to tune one somehow...heretical.

[Nate the Great]

DATA: That is Lal, my daughter.
JULIANA: Your daughter?

No really, why doesn't Juliana know all this stuff already? Data would have an enormous entry at Memory Alpha by now.

DATA: The acoustics in Ten Forward are most favourable.

I doubt that. The very shape of the room is ludicrous in terms of achieving proper acoustics.

JULIANA: Do you think you'll ever try to create an android again?
DATA: Perhaps. I created Lal because I wished to procreate. Despite what happened to her, I still have that wish.
JULIANA: How do you know the same thing won't happen? Creating a stable positronic matrix is very tricky.

I think Data understands that very well, Juliana, you don't need to lay on the guilt! Then again, after the exocomps you'd think he'd have more experimental data to work with. For that matter, he'd know about the EMH project by now and would be using the information from that project as well.

I refer you to the novel Immortal Coil where Flint creates an android based both on Soong tech and Zimmerman tech to try having an immortal mate again. But she falls in love with Data instead.

DATA: I was not aware he created other androids before my brother.
JULIANA: There were three of them. They were like children to us. Losing them was very painful.

I'm having trouble with this idea. B-4 wasn't exactly fully sentient, I shudder to think what the other two were like.

JULIANA: I didn't want to bring you with us. I was afraid if we reactivated you, you'd turn out like Lore. I made Noonian leave you behind.

I'm confused about this one, but that's another screed.

JULIANA: I just don't want you to misunderstand my answer. No, I wouldn't have left you behind if you'd been my biological child.
DATA: Is that because you place more value on biological life than on artificial life?
JULIANA: Absolutely not. I cherished every android your father and I created as if it were my child. Even Lore.

Which raises the question of where Altan Soong came from and where he went. It was made clear that he's not Juliana's son.

RIKER: Why does the scanner read her as a human?
CRUSHER: Because she has a feedback processor designed to send out a false bio-signal.

I'm still dubious about this one. Maybe Soong could upgrade the thing to keep up with advances in tricorder technology, but odds are he didn't get the chance to do so after the Enterprise launched.

SOONG: She was injured when the Crystalline Entity attacked. We made it as far as Terlina Three but, she slipped into a coma. When I realised nothing could be done for her, I built an android. I tried to perfect my synaptic scanning technique so that I could transfer Juliana's memories into a positronic matrix. I didn't know if it would work, but I had to try.

That was Graves' specialty, not Soong's. Another problem is that there was no chance that Soong was able to take all of the necessary equipment from his lab during the evacuation. Are we to believe that he was able to build it IN A CAVE! WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!

DATA: What happened?
SOONG: I made a terrible mistake. I never really let her know how much I loved her. So she left me.

Sheesh, talk about hackneyed soap opera dialogue.

PICARD: Data, there might come some time in the future when she would find out anyway. Another accident, perhaps. Maybe it would be easier for her if she learned the truth from you.
CRUSHER: I can tell you that if I were in her place, I would rather be told by my son than by some stranger.

A good point. I'm glad that they're able to consider the possible ramifications without fear and still trust Data to make the right decision.

DATA: I find I am having difficulty separating what would be best for her from what would be best for me.
TROI: What do you mean?
DATA: If she knew she were an android, we would have something to share. I would no longer be alone in the universe.
TROI: I know how much that means to you, Data.

And this is why Data is such a great character. He can be a bit selfish, but he still wants to do the right thing.

JULIANA: On Atrea there is a saying, that a child born from parents who love each other will have nothing but goodness in his heart. I guess that explains you.

But didn't this same set of parents create Lore?

The Fiver

Captain's Log: We are in orbit of Penthara IV, where... I'm sorry; my heart just isn't in this anymore. Nobody even reads these things. Will! Get over here and finish the log.
First Officer's Log: So there me and Deanna were, all alone --
Captain's Log: --When I threatened to demote Commander Riker to Ensign if he ever tried to turn my logs into dime store dirty novels.
First Officer's Log: Aww.

"You know how much money you can make writing dime novels?" "What?" "A whole lotta dimes." I still miss Legend, it deserved better than what it got. The only good part of it ending is that it freed up Anderson for Stargate SG-1.

Juliana: We put on a pretty good concert, you and I.
Data: Mother, I have noticed that your playing of that piece was flawless. How do you maintain such a level of perfection?
Juliana: I don't, dear. It's a recording.
Data: Ah! Do you carry many different tunes with you?
Juliana: No, only eight tracks at a time.

Eight tracks were before my time, but I thought that their audio fidelity wasn't really that great. That's why LPs lasted for so long.

Data: It appears we've angered the volcano gods. The planet is destabilizing. Starfleet protocol says to sacrifice a virgin to appease their demands.
La Forge: Oh no you don't! Geordi awwway! (runs down passageway)
Data: Okay, Plan B. Invincible man and random visitor.

I want to believe that this is a Joe vs the Volcano reference, but I doubt it.

Soong: You're probably inquiring about the warranty on Juliana. It's expired. So is she. Crystalline Entity, snowflakes, coma. Couldn't stand her dead, so Juliana is the first android to have a consciousness downloaded to it. Gettin' all this?
Data: Actually, there was this one time we, I mean I....
Soong: Quiet Schizoid.

Always nice to see a reference to Ira Graves.

Memory Alpha

* Flanagan's role in "Dax" was before this. The past is the future, the future is the past, the whole thing gives me a headache...

Nitpicker's Guide
* Both Troi and Geordi should've detected that Juliana wasn't human, but they didn't. Oops.
* Soong must've chased Juliana down, deactivated her, put in the chip, and then left. How awkward.
* Phil points out that Soong programmed Juliana to shut down if she learned the truth, saying that this means that Data's quandary is pointless. I would argue that once Data knows about this programming he could deactivate it.
* He wonders how Soong could create such a perfect human facade after Data and Lore. I would argue that with Data and Lore the colonists forced him to make the androids easily identifiable.
* Geordi casually says that Data has an aging program when it was previously established that he's functionally immortal. I get that this is a handwave to explain that Spiner's getting older, but frankly I don't like it. And he never should've appeared in Picard, by the way.

[Nate the Great]

November 29th, 1993, "Parallels"

Fiver by Kira (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=parallels)

Oh goody, another "person thought to be insane" episode!

To preface this, I'd like to tell another story about the novel Q-Squared. The actions focus on three timelines: the normal one between this episode and "All Good Things", a variant of the alternate one from "Yesterday's Enterprise", and the alternate first-season one where Jack Crusher is captain, Picard is first officer (and having an affair with Beverly), and Riker was a prisoner of the Romulans for ages (and had a baby with Deanna following the events of "Imzadi"). Due to Q/Trelane shenanigans people from these three timelines are crossing into others and going berserk. He manages to keep his cool and work with people from the different timelines, being more used to reality hopping. It especially comes in handy when dealing with the Tasha Yars (one of whom has been fighting a war against Klingons for years, remember).

The Episode

WORF: Personal log, stardate 47391.2. I am returning from the Bat'leth competition on Forcas Three.

Forcas III will return as the source of the drink in Generations that Data hates but still wants more of.

RIKER: It looks like we're going to have to head into to the Argus Array. This is the third time this year it's stopped relaying data. Starfleet's beginning to think it's more than a simple malfunction. I want you to start a long range scan once we get--

Wouldn't this be Data's job?

RIKER: What's the matter with you?
WORF: Because it is my birthday I assumed that you or one of the others would try to mount an unexpected social gathering.
RIKER: A surprise party? Mister Worf, I hate surprise parties. I would never do that to you.
...
RIKER: I love surprise parties.

While this is a great gag, it seems rather late in the series for Riker to pull a prank like this.

WORF: That was not a Klingon song.
TROI: It wasn't easy to translate. There doesn't seem to be a Klingon word for jolly.

I find this absolutely ridiculous. Klingons are capable of belly laughs that would curl your hair. They know how to party hard. There is much speculation on the internet about this issue. The word for humorous is tlhaQ, joke (noun or verb) is qID, laugh is Hagh, happy is Quch (used in the official translation of "I am not a merry man"), silly is Dogh, etc.

WORF: It is a cast of Alexander's forehead. The ridges of a warrior.

I get the sentiment, even though it seems weird. I suppose the closest that I ever got in my childhood was finger paint palmprints.

PICARD: So, how old are you, Mister Worf?

He's thirty years old. This does seem odd to me given the timeline. It doesn't seem like he was a fresh Academy graduate at Farpoint. His first known posting in canon is the Enterprise, but there's a cut scene from a DS9 episode stating that he was an ensign on the USS Hawk. In the New Frontier novels it's revealed that his only prior ship was the USS Aldrin (where he served at conn).

WORF: One time when I thought I was going to die, I asked you to watch over Alexander. I was wondering if you might consider formalising that arrangement. I want you to be Alexander's Soh-chIm.
TROI: His Soh-chIm?
WORF: You would become his surrogate mother. In case anything ever happened to me, you would be responsible for him.

Do Russians not have a concept of godparents?

TROI: I don't know what to say. It's a great honour. So, that would make me your?
WORF: The closest analogy is step-sister.
TROI: That would make my mother your step-mother.
WORF: I had not considered that. It is a risk I am willing to take.

There doesn't seem to be a term for the relationship between parent and godparent. I guess "family friend" is all we need?

The relationship between Worf and Lwaxana has already been covered. At least Worf knows that Lwaxana likes Alexander and would treat him well.

DATA: We have analysed the imaging logs. It appears the Array was reprogrammed to observe several Federation sites.

They seem to be implying that the Array can only broadcast to one location at a time, which is ridiculous.

LAFORGE: We're only three light years from Cardassian space. They would have easy access to the Array.

Why would you build an array that close to Cardassian space?

NADOR [on viewscreen]: If you don't mind my asking, what exactly is this telescope of yours designed to do?
PICARD: It's a long range subspace Array. We use it for gathering data on astronomical phenomena.
NADOR [on viewscreen]: I'm certain it would never be used to observe a neighbouring species.
PICARD: Certainly not.

And that's why you don't build an array that close to Cardassian space. I'm frankly insulted by the idea that the array was built fast enough that the Cardassians didn't notice until now. I'm also insulted by the idea that the Federation didn't feel the need to consult with the Cardassians before building this thing in the first place. For that matter, why wouldn't the Federation offer to freely give the Cardassians a copy of all data anyway, as a show of good faith.

Frankly this whole scenario is ridiculous. It was made clear in "Emissary" that the ceasefire is tenuous and there are parties on both sides ready to reignite things over something much less important than a sensor array.

WORF [on monitor]: Personal log, stardate 47391.2. There has been a malfunction in the ship's main deflector. It will require two more days of repairs. As a result, I will not be able to compete in the Bat'leth tournament on Forcas Three.

And what does Worf know about repairing deflectors? I'll buy that he can jerry-rig the weapons to fire when heavily damaged, but the shields should be beyond his abilities. And frankly even if he was qualified, this doesn't seem "cancel my vacation"-worthy.

WORF: I do not remember us, you and I, being mates.

I'll forgive his use of "mate" back in "The Emissary", but not here. He's developed too far to not have a better grasp of English. Or is he speaking translated Russian?

(Which raises further questions about whether Starfleet officers are forced to learn English at the Academy, and whether he spoke Russian or Engish with the Roshenkos at home)

WORF: And when did this relationship begin?
DATA: It is my understanding your romantic affiliation began shortly after you recovered from your spinal injury on stardate 45587. It was six months later that you asked Commander Riker for his formal permission to court Counsellor Troi.

I'm dubious on this one. I'll buy that a human would be emotionally vulnerable after a serious injury, but not a Klingon. A Klingon would be training hard to regain his ability to fight. Furthermore, I don't think that Deanna would be willing to wait six months for Worf to feel good about dating her. For that matter tensions between Will and Worf would come to a head FAR before six months. Remember that Tom was with Deanna for a few DAYS before Will was upset.

WORF: And then we mated?
DATA: I am not privy to the exact details of when, where or how your first coupling took place. I could investigate it
WORF: No, that is all right.

And then we come to the elephant in the room. It's well established that Worf is a very...vigorous...lover. Earth females are too fragile and so forth. I don't see him as the kind of guy who would choose to keep himself in check that much. Would he really find that enjoyable?

DATA: Doctor, is Geordi well enough to answer some questions?
OGAWA: (the Doctor) Geordi's dead.

And here's a big misstep. Killing off a main cast member (even an alternate version of one) without attaching any weight to it is just callous.

[Nate the Great]

DATA: I have found the quantum flux in Worf's cellular RNA extends to the subatomic level. It is asynchronous with normal matter. In essence, Captain, Mister Worf does not belong in our universe.
RIKER: What?
DATA: All matter in the universe resonates on a quantum level with a unique signature. That signature is constant. It cannot be changed through any known process. It is the basic foundation of existence.

I like it that they can explain this so easily. And thank goodness we don't have to worry about Worf being thought to be insane anymore.

WORF: If I may inquire, sir, how long have you been Captain of the Enterprise?
RIKER: Four years. Ever since Captain Picard was killed in the incident with the Borg.

Which raises the question of why Shelby isn't First Officer. And for that matter, how The Best of Both Worlds ended in victory. Was his assimilation in that universe just a little more involved and irreversable?

HELM: (a Cardassian) Aye, sir.

The idea that there's a universe where the Bajorans and the Cardassians held the opposite positions raises a LOT of further questions. Did the Bajorans occupy the Cardassian Empire (very unlikely)? Did the Prophets convert the Cardassians to peace when the Bajorans turned away from them?

CRUSHER: And Geordi's visor somehow triggered that effect?
DATA: Exactly. The visor uses a subspace field pulse. I believe that whenever Geordi came near Worf, the field pulse intensified the quantum flux and pushed Worf into another reality.

Which introduces more questions such as why the visor needs a subspace effect and how often the thing cycles enough to trigger a jump.

TROI: What about our children?
WORF: Children?
TROI: You didn't know?

I feel that this bit was unnecessary. If they're on board why wouldn't they have appeared by now, and if they're not why would Deanna bring this up? I suppose the implication is that since the visor is offline Worf won't be making anymore jumps, so Deanna thinks that this Worf is here to stay.

WORF: When the last shift occurred in Sickbay, we did not have any children.
TROI: We have a little girl, Shannara, she's two years old, and a three year old boy, Eric Christopher.

So they got pregnant almost immediately? Does this even allow for the six month trial period before he talked with Will?

WORF: What about Alexander?
TROI: Alexander?
WORF: He was my son in another reality.

I suppose you could argue that in this reality the T'Ong was destroyed somewhere making the events of "The Emissary" not happen.

WORF: Sir, the Bajorans?
TROI: Ever since the Bajorans overpowered the Cardassian Empire, they've become more and more aggressive.

And we have more questions. It's been made clear that most Bajorans don't care about what happens outside their system. Remember that before the wormhole nobody cared about them except the Cardassians. With aggressive Bajorans and no Sisko one can presume that the wormhole hasn't been discovered in this reality. So where are the Bajorans getting resources for their ships?

DATA: The barriers between quantum realties are breaking down. Other realties are emerging into our own.
('and thick and fast they came at last, and more, and more, and more')

Chakoteya is quoting from "The Walrus and the Carpenter". One presumes that he's just showing off like I do from time to time.

DATA: The rate of quantum incursions is increasing exponentially. At this rate, the sector will be completely filled with Enterprises within three days.

Putting aside how an anomaly that's randomly spitting out Enterprises isn't making any of them overlap and go boom, what counts as "completely filled"? Bare hull against bare hull, or treating the shield bubbles as gumballs in a machine?

(a bad signal and a Riker with a full ragged beard)
RIKER [on viewscreen]: We won't go back. You don't know what it's like in our universe. The Federation's gone, the Borg is everywhere! We're one of the last ships left. Please, you've got to help us!
RIKER: I'm sorry, there's no choice. If this works, everything will return to
RIKER [on viewscreen]: No, we won't go back!

A big problem with this premise is how the Enterprise can survive without support for four years. And why the Borg haven't destroyed them, for that matter.

WORF: Deanna. You do not have to leave.
TROI: Oh?
WORF: I have not had dinner. Would you care to join me?
TROI: I'd love to.
WORF: Champagne.

Like I've already said, I never liked the Worf/Troi romance. It never made sense. They want different things. Furthermore, she's already established herself as a necessary component of Alexander's life. If things go south (which they will in the novel Imzadi II) and she leaves, Alexander will suffer.

(Oh, and Worf should've asked for two champagnes, too).

The Fiver

Worf: (swaying) I feel dizzy. Wait a minute -- Geordi, weren't you and and Data just on opposite sides of this console?
La Forge: We're playing "musical stations."
Worf: But where is Captain Picard?
Data: He failed to find a station when the music stopped.

Ha ha.

Crusher: "This trophy is hereby awarded to Worf for his shameful loss, terrible bat'telh skills, and really bad goatee. Ha ha, Worf."
Worf: That's a lie! My goatee looks great!

Over at TV Tropes we call this "Comically missing the point."

Memory Alpha

* Tasha was going to appear, but they didn't want to step of "Yesterday's Enterprise"'s toes. Frankly I would've kept her and ditched the whole Worf/Troi thing.
* This was still in the "you have to pay to use Happy Birthday" era, so they had to substitute For He's a Jolly Good Fellow. I understand, but I still hate that "no word for jolly" joke.
* Only appearance of a Cardassian in a Starfleet uniform until Discovery.
* Frakes also hated the Worf/Troi relationship.
* Roberto Orci cited this episode as an excuse for the Prime and Kelvinverse universes existing simultaneously. I feel that this isn't needed, we've seen enough "small change makes new timeline" alternate realities going all the way back to TOS.

Nitpicker's Guide

* How come Worf's the only thing on the shuttle to bounce around between realities? His uniform and trophy were there, too.
* Phil also brings up Troi's fragility, and specifically wonders if she'd allow Worf to dig his fingernails into her palm as part of the mating ritual.
* Despite being on the Cardassian border, the Argus Array can somehow take pictures of Utopia Planitia, which is around Mars!
* Phil thinks that the exposion of the Borg-rattled Enterprise should've damaged some of the ships around it.
* When Worf unwraps the painting he's holding it with a certain edge up. Then Deanna takes it and flips it over, indicating that she thinks it looks better that way. But then when we see it on the wall it's in the original orientation. Oops.

[Nate the Great]

January 10th, 1994, "The Pegasus"

I will not be doing a comparison to "These Are The Voyages". That'll wait until the Enterprise retrospective in 2035.

Fiver by Marc (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=thepegasus)

The Episode

(it's Captain Picard Day - children's arts and crafts - and the judging is taking place)

Always a good bit (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iR18KX6F9fU). Now it's traditionally celebrated on June 16th.

RIKER: (imitating Picard and using a doll) I don't know. I think the resemblance is rather striking. Wouldn't you agree, Number One?

Hehe.

WORF [OC]: Worf to Captain. Incoming transmission from Admiral Blackwell. It is coded Priority One.
PICARD: Put it through, Mister Worf.

To the conference room? He could be in the ready room in under thirty seconds! Yeah, I know it's so Blackwell can see the Captain Picard Day banner, but you don't get to throw logic out the window for the sake of a gag in Star Trek (unless it's animated, I suppose...)

BLACKWELL [on monitor]: The Enterprise is to rendezvous with the starship Crazy Horse in sector one six zero seven immediately.

As a midwest native I'm well aware of the controversies surrounding the Crazy Horse memorial. It's been under construction for over seventy years and won't be finished for several decades still. I did research into his life to determine if he would appreciate a starship being named after him, but didn't find anything conclusive. I suspect not.

BLACKWELL [on monitor]: You're authorised to exceed warp speed limitations for the duration of this assignment.

And here we go. Three episodes later and we're already breaking our own rules. The worst part is that this is a bad idea. Surely the Romulans would be able to scan the Enterprise, see that it's going past Warp 5, and conclude that this is important. If the Enterprise looked like it was doing a casual survey it would trick the Romulans, at least for a time.

PICARD: Yes. Oh, you'll be interested to know that I've arranged for a Commander Riker Day next month. I'm even considering making an entry myself.

I wonder what kind of art Captain Picard would do. Even before the Kataan experienced he seemed more like a music guy than a physical art guy.

PRESSMAN: Will. I'll bet you never thought you'd see me again.
(everyone say hi! to Terry O'Quinn, eventually to be John Locke on Lost)

I knew I saw this guy somewhere else (never watched Lost), and I was right. I know him better as Howard Hughes in The Rocketeer! I really should get around to watching The Aviator one of these days...

PRESSMAN: As you know, the starship Pegasus...

You'd think by now the words "as you know" would be banned from all scripts. All it would take is a "For those of you who don't know..." I'll buy that Picard would remember the Pegasus incident, and maybe Troi has taken it upon herself to know about Will's career, but nobody else has a reason to know about this. And incidentally, this stuff should've been in the mission packet and already read by everyone before Pressman even arrived.

WORF: Sir, Romulan warbird decloaking directly ahead.
WORF: They are powering weapons.

I had a whole screed planned about which side had the right to power weapons first, but it turns out that we don't know who the Devolin system belongs to. Ugh. This should've been established in the briefing. If we're in Federation space the Romulans shouldn't be here while cloaked, that's an act of war. If we're in Romulan space the Enterprise should've asked for permission to do this "scientific research."

Even so, I hate it when Romulans or anyone else jumps to "power weapons" right away without even attempting to talk first.

PRESSMAN: How long have you had that beard?
RIKER: About four years. I got tired of hearing how young I looked.

Actually Will got the beard somewhere between the first and second seasons, around stardate 42000. The current stardate is around 47500, that's five and a half years, not four. And putting aside why Frakes grew the beard, he really did have a babyface in the first season. I still don't get why he shaved it off in Insurrection, he looked horrible (even if it did give us that great "smoother than an android's bottom (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXPaZzUP5wk)" scene).

PICARD: As a matter of fact, I never met Will until he reported on board at Farpoint Station.
PRESSMAN: You chose your first officer without ever meeting him?

Yeah, that seems a bit stupid. By all means, let his record help narrow the field of candidates, but there should still be a formal interview.

PICARD: There was an incident on Altair Three when Will was First Officer of the Hood. He refused to let Captain DeSoto beam down during a crisis. He disobeyed a direct order and he risked a general court martial because he thought he was right. When I read that, I knew that I had found my Number One.
PRESSMAN: You wanted someone with a history of disobedience?
PICARD: I wanted someone who would stand up to me. Someone who was more concerned with the safety of the ship and accomplishing the mission than with how something looked on his record. To me, that's one of the marks of a good officer.
PRESSMAN: Frankly, I've always felt it was more important for an officer to trust his captain's judgment. In a crisis, there's no time for explanations. Orders have to be obeyed without question or lives may be lost.

I don't like Pressman's idea of "I'm Captain, therefore I'm right, everyone else exists only to serve me." Once again I want to bring up Surak's "I'm pleased to see that we have differences" and the IDIC. Pressman is being short-sighted here. Not every disagreement with a captain's orders happens during a crisis, he's using too broad a brush.

RIKER: I can't believe how stupid I was.
CRUSHER: You both must have got a little carried away, that's all.
RIKER: No, it was my fault. I got distracted at a crucial moment.
CRUSHER: It can happen to anyone.
RIKER: I knew what I was supposed to do and I didn't do it. If those had real bat'leths I might be dead right now.

I get that Will is distracted, but this moral is far too hamfisted. Furthermore, what's the point of telling it to Crusher instead of Picard?

LAFORGE: Commander, I think we might have just struck paydirt. There's a subspace resonance signature coming from that asteroid. From the frequency variances, it looks like the pattern from a Federation warp core.

You shouldn't have to be on top of a location to detect a subspace resonance signature. The writers haven't even handwaved some sensor-blocking mineral in the asteroid that would slow things down.

RIKER: I recommend we destroy the asteroid. It would take most of our photon torpedoes, but it would preclude any possibility of the Pegasus falling into Romulan hands.
PRESSMAN: Our top priority is to salvage the ship, Commander. I'll consider destroying it only as a last resort.
RIKER: Yes, sir.

And now's when we run into a big problem. I refuse to believe that Starfleet Intelligence (or Section 31, which fanon has put Pressman) wouldn't keep records on how to build a phase cloak. The idea that this device is the only way that the Federation will have cloaks is ridiculous. Pressman is deluded, the top priority is stopping the Romulans from finding out that Starfleet was doing cloaking research.

PRESSMAN: What the hell is the matter with you? Destroy the Pegasus before we've even taken a look at it?
RIKER: I thought it was more important that the Romulans
PRESSMAN: Well, you were wrong! We have a chance here to change the balance of power in this quadrant, but we can't very well do that if we destroy the Pegasus, now can we?

So it's official. No plans, no backup, just this one device that we'll have to recreate the tech from. How asinine.

Change the balance of power? I thought Starfleet was doing a pretty good job of that! Furthermore, right now we're still having trouble with the Cardassians, why ignite a war with the Romulans?

RIKER: I was seven months out of the Academy, my head still ringing with words like duty and honour.

I'll grant duty, but "honor" gives me more trouble. The idea that "honor" is derived from duty alone is patently ridiculous. Worf proved that over and over again!

PICARD: Agreed. What about a shuttle? We could send it down through one of these fissures.
DATA: I would recommend against it, sir. There may be gravimetric or magnetic fluctuations inside the asteroid which would overpower the engines of a shuttlecraft.

Gravimetric fluctuations? The amount and location of rock seems pretty constant to me. Couldn't they have thrown in some technobabble mineral that would confuse the sensors of a shuttle, but not the Enterprise?

PICARD: Admiral, if is passage narrows to less than five hundred metres, I will abort the mission.

Ugh. The ship itself is 467 meters wide! I'd want the walls of this chasm to be much farther away than 20 meters! And I'm sure that the width of the shield bubble is much more than 500 meters!

RIKER: It looks if half the ship materialised inside solid rock.
DATA: Yes, sir. I do not understand how this could have happened.
PRESSMAN: Let's keep the speculation to a minimum. We have to begin the salvage operation.

How does Pressman still think that he can go over there, retrieve the phase cloak, and return to Starfleet Intelligence (cough-Section 31-cough) without the Enterprise crew or the Romulans finding out?

[Nate the Great]

DATA: The starboard bulkhead of main Engineering is contained within the rock face, but most of its compartment is still intact.
WORF: There is a hull breach in that section.
PICARD: If we begin a power transfer, can we restore life support systems to that compartment?
DATA: I believe so, sir. The breach can be temporarily sealed by extending our shields.

I'm dubious of this one. You're going to use the shields to create a bubble that you can fill with air, then...what? How is there a power network intact enough to power the heaters, the lights, the gravity, etc.? They should've just skipped straight to the spacesuits.

RIKER: It means that I can't put this off any longer. Right up until this moment I had the luxury of time, but now I've got to make a choice. And, Admiral, I'm afraid my choice is this. I can't let you start these experiments again. It was wrong twelve years ag
And he's going to stop Pressman...how? Shooting the cloak? o, and it is wrong today.
Shooting Pressman? Furthermore, this isn't just about Pressman, it's about Starfleet Intelligence (cough-Section 31-cough). Someone else will come for it whether Riker is in a brig or not.

PRESSMAN: So on reflection you'd rather be a traitor than a hero.
RIKER: I wasn't a hero and neither were you.

So Pressman thinks that giving Starfleet cloaking devices will make him a hero. How? It would start a war with the Romulans that the Federation can't afford right now, much less in a matter of months when the Dominion enters the scene. Think about it, if the Federation, Klingons, and Romulans started a war now the Cardassians would quickly join to reclaim Bajor and the Federation wouldn't have the resources to stop them. The Dominion would know what's going on and quietly wait until the Alpha Quadrant powers have destroyed themselves so they can swoop in and conquer the pieces.

RIKER: They were brave enough to risk their lives to stop you from violating a treaty the Federation signed in good faith.
PRESSMAN: That treaty has bound our hands and given the Romulans a tactical advantage for the last sixty years. I was simply trying to level the playing field.

And now we reach the big question: why did the Federation agree to not use cloaks? Had the Romulans defeated us so badly that we were willing to do ANYTHING to stop the fighting? And after this happened, after we gave the Romulans a huge advantage, they decide to go into isolation for decades? To build a fleet of ships bigger than even the Galaxy class currently being designed?

The real headscratcher is why the Romulans didn't invade after the Borg invasion. Starfleet was in no position to oppose them, especially after the ceasefire with the Cardassians.

WORF: Captain, I believe we could use the phasers to cut our way out.
DATA: The asteroid's internal structure is highly unstable. Any attempt to cut through the rock could cause the entire chasm to collapse.

I find this overly simplistic. Surely you guys can replicate some concrete or foam to stabilize the walls as you cut. It would take a long time, but it'd be doable.

PRESSMAN: And that treaty is the biggest mistake we ever made. It's kept us from exploiting a vital area of defence.
PICARD: That treaty has kept us in peace for sixty years, and as a Starfleet officer, you're supposed to uphold it.

Peace? The Romulans orchestrated the Klingon Civil War, and the Federation knows it! There should've been renegotiations years ago!

RIKER: It's more than just a cloak. It changes the structure of matter. In theory, a ship using this device could pass through normal matter.

It's been said before, and I'll say it again: why do we need the cloaking function on top of the phasing function? A phased ship would be impervious to weapons fire, wouldn't it? Otherwise what's the point of the phasing?

PICARD: Except it's illegal. It's in violation of an agreement that the Federation signed in good faith.

And the Romulans didn't sign it in good faith. It's situations like this that make Section 31 seem more and more necessary. "Evil will always triumph because good is dumb" and all that.

LAFORGE: Commander, we've routed the impulse engines through the plasma conduits, but you'll have to watch the intercooler levels. If they get too high, we'll blow the entire relay system.

Why are we sending impulse plasma (ionized gas) through the warp plasma conduits? Why is that even an option?

While it seems reasonable to suppose that an ordinary cloak is a sister technology to the shields, a phase cloak would probably be a sister technology to the warp field. No need for impulse engine interaction at all.

RIKER: I think that's what happened twelve years ago. The cloak blew out the plasma relays on the Pegasus after we left the ship. The plasma ignited in space, and it looked as if the ship had been destroyed.

Nonsense. Even if we presume that every bit of matter of the ship was converted to energy (dubious, but IF), it would still have an energy signature that'd be different from ignited plasma.

[Nate the Great]

The Fiver

Picard: To what do we owe your gladsome presence?
Sirol: We're doing perfectly innocent research on gaseous anomalies.
Picard: Is that anything like hot air?
Sirol: Yes, and we're detecting lots of it.

Ha ha. "You're reaching a 9.9 on the Kirk scale!"

Pressman: Our orders are to secretly break the law for the good of the Federation
Riker: What? Are you working for some covert branch of Starfleet Intelligence?
Pressman: Shhh! No one's supposed to know that it exists yet!

Actually I think Section 31 would be a completely different organization that pretends to be a covert branch of Starfleet Intelligence. It's not like they're held accountable to any public organization.

Picard: Why did you defend Pressman when the Pegasus senior officers mutinied against him?
Riker: If you'd seen so many promotion vacancies open up, what would you have done?

I don't know if I find this one morbid or funny.

Riker: The secret cloaking device is intact, sir.
Pressman: Yippee! Now we can resume our illegal experiments and kill more people!
Riker: How many people does it take, Admiral, before it becomes wrong?
Pressman: Don't you start planning an insurrection against me, mister!

The Insurrection reference seems like a bit of a stretch to me.

Riker: This one-of-a-kind phasing cloak allows ships to travel through solid matter!
La Forge: It sounds just like the one we caught the Romulans testing two years ago.
Riker: No, theirs was called an "interphase generator."
La Forge: Oh. I forgot that.

And somehow the interphase generator could attach a phase cloak aura to an object without the need for further intervention. That still doesn't make sense...

Memory Alpha

* Ronald Moore compares this one to "The First Duty". I don't see it. That episode features people breaking the rules solely for glory, this episode (and "The Wounded", for that matter) features people breaking the rules in a misguided attempt to achieve superiority.
* Moore joked that the sheer number of crazy admirals might come from something they add to the water at Starfleet headquarters.
* In the first draft Riker was sentenced to thirty days in the brig and a reprimand that would stop any chance of command. I think this harsh, and feel that long-term sentencing to a brig should be avoided when possible. Riker should've been moved off the ship to a penal colony or something instead.
* The staff considered reusing Pressman on Deep Space Nine. I'm not sure how they could without either seriously reworking the character or rehashing this episode.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil is confused as to how the Romulans could have a piece of debris from the Pegasus if the ship didn't actually explode. Duh, there was an explosion of warp plasma that still happened, no doubt a few deckplates were blown off leaving the rest of the ship damaged but intact.
* Phil also noticed the problem with the "had a beard for four years" thing.
* References are made to both "Starfleet Security" and "Starfleet Intelligence" watching this mission. I don't have a problem with the latter being a subset of the former.
* Phil also noticed the size of the ship/size of the crevasse thing.
* Picard acts like the ship is trapped and couldn't be rescued, yet Starfleet knows where they went and would send a rescue ship. And presumably the Enterprise could send some sort of signal to the outside (given enough time I'm sure phasers at low intensity could drill through to send a probe, for example).
* One of Phil's readers brought up the diplomatic incident from decloaking in front of the Romulans. I don't have a problem with this one. For the sake of argument let's say that the Enterprise did stay cloaked for days. The Romulas would still slowly dig through the asteroid to claim their prize and raise a fuss when the Enterprise isn't there and a ship half-buried in the asteroid is. Picard is just starting the inevitable incident on his own terms.
* When Tom Riker is found, will he have to face charges for the Pegasus incident? Come to think of it, that would've been a better reason to join the Maquis...
* There's confusion in the Treaty of Algernon. Was it the treaty that ending the Earth-Romulan war in 2160, or is it the one that banned Federation cloaking devices sixty years ago? I wonder if Phil has heard of the concept of "amendments" and that treaties can evolve.
* Phil wonders if they should've separated the ship and just taken the stardrive section into the asteroid. My immediate response is that the saucer would be a sitting duck for the Romulans.
* The Romulans act like there'd be no problem beaming the crew through all that rock, when Riker thinks that it's risky. I don't have a problem with Romulan transporter sensors being more powerful. For that matter, what about the subspace transporter from "Bloodlines"? Cumulatively dangerous, but surely one exposure to save everyone would be allowed?

[Nate the Great]

January 17th, 1994, "Homeward"

No fiver

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 47423.9. We have arrived at Boraal Two in response to an emergency distress call from Lieutenant Worf's foster brother, Nikolai Rozhenko. He has been stationed on the planet as a cultural observer.

Is Nikolai stationed alone? It sounds strange. It's not like he couldn't hide his evacuation plans from the others.

PICARD: Very well. But regardless of this planet's immediate situation, we must observe the Prime Directive. I want to minimise the risk of contact with the inhabitants. You will go alone, Mister Worf, and I want to have you surgically altered so that you could pass as a Boraalan.

I don't think that this situation justifies a single man away team. Frankly Data shouldn't have been alone back in "Thine Own Image" either.

CRUSHER: Are the two of you close?
WORF: We are brothers.

Yikes is that a loaded answer. I couldn't describe my relationship with my own brother any more easily.

NIKOLAI: When I sent the distress call I knew the Enterprise was in this sector...

How? Couldn't they have at least have given Nikolai a shuttlecraft that was damaged in the storms? Something that allowed him to scan ships in orbit?

PICARD: Doctor, you were fully aware that the atmospheric dissipation could not be stopped. What did you hope to accomplish by assisting these people?
NIKOLAI: I was trying to give them a future. What I propose is we create an atmospheric shield on the planet. We can camouflage the equipment just as was done with my observation post. No one will ever know it's there.

A big problem with this idea is that it would require a Federation presence on the planet for centuries to come. And these people are clearly thousands of years away from warp.

And then of course the second big problem is inbreeding. This village must rely on intermingling with other villages for marriage partners. Now they're gone. They will wonder why only their village survived, and why they can't find anyone else. New planet or not, this culture is doomed unless the Federation directly intervenes and starts controlling everything. Nikolai seems content to just shove consequences onto someone else. Who cares if his great-grandchildren have six toes?

NIKOLAI: Captain, the Boraalans have a rich and beautiful culture, a deep spiritual life. They deserve the chance to survive.

And? The Federation must've let dozens of primitive cultures just like this die by now.

NIKOLAI: And isn't that what the Prime Directive was truly intended to do, to allow cultures to survive and grow naturally?
TROI: Not entirely. The Prime Directive was designed to ensure non-interference.

I'll refer you to the SF Debris review. Nikolai is talking about the long-term goal of the Prime Directive, Troi is talking about what the Federation does to ensure that.

CRUSHER: But aren't we interfering either way? If we take no action, it's a conscious decision to let the Boraalans die.

Say what you will about the Prime Directive, but at least it's not biased. No warp drive, you're not saved. Period. It doesn't matter if you're peaceful or warlike, if you're destroying the planet or living in harmony with nature, the PD applies to you equally.

We already covered this in "First Contact". Any interference, no matter how well-intentioned, will inevitably cause disaster.

NIKOLAI: Some of my log recorders are still in my observation post. They contain most of my research. Since it appears that the only way I'm going to preserve Boraalan culture is in a museum, I request permission to return to the surface and retrieve them.

If there can't be a ship to support Nikolai, there should've at least have been a subspace satellite in orbit to pass along his files to Memory Alpha.

NIKOLAI: I knew if I could get access to your ship's computer, I could generate a replica of the caves. The hard part was transporting the Boraalans into the holodeck without anybody on the Enterprise noticing.

No, the hard part is transporting them without everyone asking why they all saw blue sparkles for a few seconds at the same time. Did Nikolai knock them all out at night so they wouldn't notice the transport?

NIKOLAI: Captain, I can't prepare for every contingency, but I assure you I'm accustomed to thinking on my feet. I'll deal with the situation as it evolves.

I'm reminded of that speech from Trek '09 about Kirk thinking that he'll never have to face consequences.

(Now that the Kelvinverse trilogy is free on YouTube I intend to watch them as part of my retrospective on the movies. But that will be next summer at minimum, when I finish TNG I'll have to go straight into Voyager).

PICARD: I'm not enthusiastic about this plan, but I don't see that we have another option.

Well, you could flood the holodeck with anesthizine gas and then euthanize them. Or you could ask Starfleet for further orders. While we've seen starship captains change the destinies of entire cultures in TOS, I thought we had more oversight now.

LAFORGE: We've got a problem, sir. I don't think it's going to be possible to keep this holodeck simulation stable.
PICARD: Why not?
LAFORGE: The plasmonic energy surges from the planet are affecting the ship's systems. We're having problems with the EPS systems and the power distribution matrix.
NIKOLAI: And as a result, the holodeck imaging processor has been severely destabilised.

Why are we still in orbit of the planet? It's uninhabitable!

LAFORGE: It's not a question of whether the simulation will break down, it's a question of when.
PICARD: There's no way round it?
LAFORGE: Not while it's running. In order to fix it, I'd have to shut down all of the holodecks and re-initialise the entire system.

You can't reset the holodecks individually? That seems like an obvious design flaw. This seems like the time to stun all of them and put them in stasis until the holodecks can be reset somewhere aware from the storms.

WORF: As we said, it is far from here. It will not be like the home you knew. Even the stars may be different.
VORIN: Why would they be different?

A good point. I'll bet you anything Nicolai gave no thought to this one, or the sun looking different, or the plants and animals looking different, or...

WORF: You have not changed. You still expect people to solve the problems you create.
NIKOLAI: I'm not here to work out the issues of our childhood. I'm here to save a people who I care about.

How is this guy supposed to be brilliant again? Brilliant people don't expect others to solve their problems for them.

DATA: These are the two planets which best match our search criteria. Draygo Four features an unusually large temperate zone. However, it is within three light years of Cardassian space.
CRUSHER: There are constant border disputes in that sector.

Why did Data even present it as an option then?

CRUSHER: There are so many questions we don't have answers to. What if the climate is so different that it affects them in a way that we can't anticipate? How do we even know they'll be able to survive? And if they do, how will their society evolve and what impact will it have on the Vaccan system?

"For that matter, we don't know how they'll react to the diseases unique to this planet!"

VORIN: Then how do you teach your children their history, who their ancestors were, where they come from?
WORF: We tell each other stories, make up songs.
VORIN: Stories change with each person who tells them. This, this will always be the same.

A good point. I think people today don't appreciate how big of a deal the printing press was.

[Nate the Great]

(meanwhile, Vorin has found his scroll, and the arch partly showing in the rock. He touches it and the door appears. He steps forward, it opens and out he goes)

The holodeck is malfunctioning, why aren't there guards stationed here to stop people who wander out? For that matter, why isn't there a stun field pointed at the door?

CRUSHER: I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do. His neural physiology is unusual. I can't wipe his memory.

At least they addressed the question.

VORIN: A new life?
PICARD: A chance for your culture, your people, to survive and grow.
VORIN: How can we grow when everything that made us who we are is gone?

SF Debris pointed out the absurdity of this comment. They KNEW they were going to a new place, and if there was some spiritual link with the planet shouldn't that be brought up?

NIKOLAI: Wait. Are you saying that if Vorin wants to come back in here, they'll let him?
WORF: That is right. He is not a prisoner.
NIKOLAI: But if he comes back here and tells the others what he has seen on the Enterprise, everything we have done will be for nothing.
WORF: Then you should have considered that before you beamed them on board.

Exactly. Acting like you never have to face consequences for your actions is dangerous.

NIKOLAI: Oh, if only I could have been like you. Worf, the perfect son.
WORF: I was not perfect, but I was not wild and disobedient.
NIKOLAI: Of course not. You were too busy doing your duty.
WORF: I would rather be accused of that than making our mother weep.

Exactly! How can Nikolai ever claim to have the moral high ground?

DOBARA: Please, go to him. Make things right between you. I want us to be a family.
WORF: Us?
DOBARA: Yes. I want you to consider yourself my brother. After all, you're going to be the uncle of my child.

This is a huge misstep. The episode is already dealing with too many issues, we don't need another. What does this accomplish except making us like Nikolai less? Did the episode feel that we wouldn't be convinced one way or the other by now?

DATA: We are in synchronous orbit above the beam down site, sir.
PICARD: Good. Mister La Forge, how much longer before we can transport the Boraalans?
LAFORGE [OC]: A few more hours, Captain, but we've got some problems here. I don't think the holodeck's going to last that long.

Why can't they beam people down immediately? If they're talking about how fast they can adjust the holodeck to match the planet, that's not really Geordi's problem right now. Frankly Barclay should've been assigned to the holodeck while Geordi handles the ship and transporters.

WORF: How could you have mated with a Boraalan? What were you thinking?
NIKOLAI: I don't owe you an explanation.

But you owe the Federation an explanation. The rulebook on interspecies relationships is over three centimeters thick, remember.

WORF: That is not possible. I cannot allow you to stay here.
NIKOLAI: You will have to kill me first.

Yeah, that's stupid. Nikolai is a criminal and needs a trial if nothing else. Plus stun settings exist for a reason.

CRUSHER: I think it was some form of ritual suicide.
PICARD: He said that he had nowhere to go.
CRUSHER: He would have died even if we hadn't interfered.
PICARD: But he wouldn't have died alone and afraid.
CRUSHER: Are you saying you're sorry we saved the Boraalans?
PICARD: No, of course not. Our plan for them worked out well. But I wish that Vorin could have bridged the gap between our two cultures. I would have liked the chance to have known him better.

I put this one on the tearjerker page for TNG years ago.

Memory Alpha

* Even Memory Alpha wonders why they didn't knock the people out to reset the holodeck.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Troi was conveniently off the bridge when Boral II dies, if she was there she would've sensed that Nikolai wasn't grieving like the others.
* What if the baby resembles a human more than a Boralan?
* Phil wonders why Troi left Vorin alone in this time of crisis. I would argue that Troi is trained to recognize when a person is or is not receptive to therapy.
* Phil also brings up the gene pool thing, and reminds us of the similar situation in "Up the Long Ladder".
* They started with sixteen scrolls. Vorin could only save six. But then he dies with one outside, leaving five. Then Worf took one, leaving four. What about their history?
* Isn't it convenient that the Boralans would be on a holodeck on Deck 10 so Vorin could stumble into Ten Forward?
* Worf's mustache is reduced for his Boralan disguise, then is restored to normal when he returns to normal. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that Federation technology can stimulate body hair growth.

[Nate the Great]

January 31st, 1994, "Sub Rosa"

I link to SF Debris reviews often enough, so for a change how about Obscurus Lupa (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNESMHuFrrU)?

Fiver by Kristina (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=subrosa)

The Episode

PICARD: Caldos Colony is a most impressive accomplishment. I actually feel as if I'm in the Scottish Highlands.
MATURIN: That was the intent. The cornerstone of every building in town was brought from Edinburgh, Glasgow, Aberdeen. The founders wanted everyone to feel they had a piece of the real thing here. They didn't want to just imitate Scotland, they wanted to recreate it.

I never noticed the cornerstone thing. I have to respect it. Due to my heritage I take cornerstones and capstones seriously.

TROI: Your grandmother had remarkable green eyes.
CRUSHER: Every woman in the Howard family has had green eyes, except for my mother and me.

The implication is that the green eyes are a result of Ronin's influence and that Beverly's mother (Isabel, FYI) and Beverly herself don't have them because they never had the chance to connect with Ronin. I'm still a little confused as to why a plasma-based ghost would affect genetics, and the idea that he leaves a piece of himself in his partner at all times is a little icky.

CRUSHER: It's a family heirloom. It's been in the Howard clan for generations. It's supposed to symbolise the enduring Howard spirit. Wherever they may go, the shining light to guide them through their fortune. Nana always kept it lit.

Okay, they'll later tell us that the candle is plasma based. So where does the wax come from and why doesn't it run out? Is Ronin's home the lamp itself or just the wax?
QUINT: I wouldna be so high and mighty with me, Beverly Howard Crusher. I've spent more time here in the past five years than ye have in the past twenty.
CRUSHER: How do you know who I am?
QUINT: I'm Ned Quint. I took care of your grandmother's house and her affairs.
CRUSHER: Nana never mentioned you.

Why wouldn't Nana keep Beverly in the loop about this?

DATA: I am reading unusually high humidity across the entire southern desert region and there is increasing cloud activity above the northern coastal area. Possibly the formation of a storm system.
MATURIN: A storm? It's the middle of summer. We don't have rain at this time of year.

Even if I'll buy a network of drones controlling the weather, I can't buy that you can just turn off rain for months at a time without damaging the environment. The plants require X amount of rain at certain times of the year to grow. At best I'd only want to push away rain during the day, letting it come at night.

CRUSHER: Yes. According to these journals, his name is Ronin and he's thirty four years old. They met just after my great-grandmother's death.

And she didn't tell Beverly about Ronin...because? Furthermore, when did Beverly's great-grandmother die? The math just doesn't seem to add up. And how can Ronin continue to create new, younger alter egos for every Howard host? I can't help but feel that in the Federation they keep track of you from birth regardless of your residence or philosophy. Maybe I'll buy that Q or Kevin Uxbridge can poof himself up a birth certificate on demand, but Ronin isn't that powerful.

CRUSHER: Yes. And there was a voice, a man. He whispered my name. It was as if I knew him, or more like he knew me. He knew exactly how I liked to be touched.

So he's telepathic on top of everything else. That just makes this creepier.

CRUSHER: I did fall asleep reading a particularly erotic chapter in my grandmother's journal. She wrote very detailed descriptions of her experiences with Ronin.

And this is just creepy. Who would consider this appropriate?

TROI: So, shall we start going over the personnel reports?

Doesn't she do that with Riker? Wouldn't there be some specific medical report that the ship's doctor and counsellor would want to collaborate on?

CRUSHER: Ned, the weather systems control is malfunctioning. The Enterprise is trying to repair it.
QUINT: Oh, sure. But who do you think is causing the malfunction?

It's an interesting question: how long can Ronin keep breaking things to keep the Enterprise here until someone figures out there's another entity affecting things?

CRUSHER: I think your imagination is
QUINT: Think what you want. See what you want. Just do as I say. Dinna light that candle or dinna go to that hoose, or before you know it, they'll be burying another Howard in this cemetery.

You'd think he could just tell her to run thorough scans on the candle and her house while she's in it. Being cryptic for the sake of being cryptic never helps anyone.

LAFORGE: Captain, I suggest we set up a power transfer between the Enterprise and the weather substations. Try to give them enough power to stabilise the storm.

They still think that this is an ordinary storm? It seems that Q's confidence in them figuring out technobabble is a bit misplaced.

RONIN [OC]: Ghosts? Nor did I in the beginning. I was born in sixteen forty seven, in Glasgow on Earth.
CRUSHER: You're telling me that you're an eight hundred year old ghost?
RONIN [OC]: I found a home with Jessel Howard. She was a pretty lass with a mane of red hair, and eyes like diamonds.

Like SF Debris says, the idea that every single generation for eight hundred years would keep her maiden name upon marriage AND convince her daughter to use it as well is patently ridiculous.

TROI: Hi, Bev. I just wanted to see if you were going to mok'bara class this morning.
CRUSHER: No, I think I'll skip it today. I'm exhausted.

So she was either raped and Stockholm Syndromed into changing her emotions, or Ronin brainwashed and raped her. Isn't that a lovely image? How did this get past the draft stage, were they THAT desperate for scripts?

CRUSHER: Exactly. I can see why Nana fell in love with him. This sounds very strange, doesn't it?

Yes. It does. Even if everything WAS on the up and up this would be weird. Unless you're on Risa I don't think people sleep together on the first date, even in the 24th century.

DATA: There appears to be a condensed suspension of water vapour, approximately one degree Celsius.
PICARD: Fog.

It's too far into the series for Data to be this pedantic.

DATA: I am unable to terminate the connection, sir. A feedback loop has formed in the transfer beam. I will have to go to the substation and attempt to correct the problem from there.

You don't have any grunts that can do that for you? Surely if there's a continual beam being generated I'd want an engineer at the emitter 24/7.

(an alarm sounds and they spot Ned underneath a console)

Did nobody question why Ned wants to come on board? Maybe assign an escort to him?

CRUSHER: Ensign, ask Doctor Selar run a biospectral analysis.

Hasn't enough time passed for Plakson to play Selar again? In fact, does Selar have the record for most mentions compared to appearances?

PICARD: Beverly, you can't just resign.
CRUSHER: I can, and I have. I've decided to stay on Caldos and become a healer like my grandmother. It's a proud Howard tradition and I've decided to uphold it. Energise. I've resigned my commission, so unless you plan on kidnapping me?

Maybe I'll believe that Starfleet is at-will enough to allow people to leave at any time. But there's still paperwork that needs to be done, and it's clear that it hasn't been done.

PICARD: Why don't you answer my questions? What ship? I'd like to look at the passenger list. Where have you been living here? What's your position? Who are your neighbours?

Which raises another question, did Ronin manage to convince Felisa to never talk about him? How long can he stay solid? If it's more than a day why can't he be a part of the community so people know him?

This is why gothic novels and cheesy romances aren't suitable things to base a Star Trek episode on.

The Fiver

Troi: Who's Zorro?
Crusher: A guy in a black cloak, but that's not important right now.
Troi: Right, Victoria Escalante.

More missing first lines. Ugh.

Crusher: You can't believe the dream I had last night, Deanna. I was caressed, but I saw no one.
Troi: I'm jealous. Was he wearing a cloaking device?

Seems a bit clunky for a joke.

Crusher: Oh, flowers! Who's there?
Ronin: I was born in 17th century Scotland, and have lived a masked life since....
Crusher: Zorro!
Ronin: Please don't call me Zorro.
Crusher: But Wesley watches you all the time.

The Zorro joke seems a bit shoehorned. Surely a Highlander joke would make more sense here.

Ronin: Here I am. Satisfied?
Picard: Tell me who you are first. Surely, you must have an origin of sorts.
Ronin: I do, but I'm not telling. And don't call me Shirley.

Is this joke supposed to tie into another Leslie Nielson role or something?

Crusher: OK, but I just phasered it. Now I'll phaser you too!
Ronin: AaaaaAAAGH! Now I'll have to seduce the crinkly-nosed redhead on DS -- GAK!

I never noticed that Ronin and Shakaar were played by the same actor!

Crusher: (glare) I wonder what he meant by "DS GAK"?
Troi: Some other Nana can sort that Visitor out.

That one was painful.

Memory Alpha

* Braga didn't know about the Japanese word "ronin" before naming the character.
* Felisa was said to be over a hundred, yet her tombstone indicates 79. Oops.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Where is Wesley for his great-grandmother's funeral?
* Phil points out that the governor may not look human, but with the interspecies marriages we've seen it's possible that he would have ONE Scottish ancestor. I prefer to keep it simple and say that he just likes the lifestyle. Remember how the Japanese are obsessed with 19th century British culture?
* He also brings up the age incongruity with Ronin.

[Nate the Great]

February 7th, "Lower Decks"

Fiver by IJD GAF (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=lowerdecks)

The Episode

RIKER: Fletcher has more experience with propulsion systems.
TROI: But Carstairs is better with people. Considering this is a supervisory position, I'd go with her.
RIKER: I guess you're right. Didn't we just do crew evaluation reports?

Why are they doing this in Ten Forward? Both of them have offices!

RIKER: It seems like three weeks. Why don't we just give everybody a promotion and call it a night, Commander?
TROI: Fine with me, Captain.

Always funny.

RIKER: Could we have two coffees, please.

Given the sheer number of coffee options available, this seems simplistic to the point of meaningless. At least throw in a "black" to somewhat narrow it down!

LAVELLE: Think promotion. Promotion. Promotion.
TAURIK: (a vulcan) You can't really believe that what you are doing will influence the outcome of your evaluation.
(actually, he will become Vaurik of Voyager)

You mean Vorik, Chakoteya? I assume the reason that they didn't carry over Taurik is the Locarno Problem again. You'd think by now the contracts would be modified to allow for character reuse without paying episode writers for EVERY episode their creations appear in.

SITO: The Vedeks of the Janalan order maintain a round the clock chant for the benefit of the Bajoran people.
TAURIK: Considering the history of your planet, that doesn't exactly validate what he's doing.

I get that this is supposed to be dry wit, but it seems a bit callous once you think about it.

LAVELLE: Promote me, please, so I can make Lieutenant and have my own room.
TAURIK: If you're unhappy sharing quarters with me, then you should put in for a new room assignment.

On a ship this big the idea of involuntary roommates seems rather ridiculous. It's a good gag, but the scale of the break from reality should match the hilarity of the joke, and this joke isn't good enough for a break this big.

RIKER: I've been thinking about who to promote to Ops.
TROI: The new night duty officer?
RIKER: Lavelle is an obvious candidate, but I'm also considering Ensign Sito.

As Sito will point out, she's not even in the right department for this. I sort of wish they'd brought back the idea that Worf was more of a general duty officer in the first season. If Sito was doing duty rotations, it would make more sense.

RIKER: End simulation sequence. Secure from drill. Alpha shift, your response time was seven percent slower than the gamma shift. All departments, submit drill evaluation reports

While I suppose the bridge and engineering controls could be temporarily turned into simulator mode like the Kobayashi Maru fake bridge in Wrath of Khan, this does seem like prime holodeck stuff. Remember what happened when the Ferengi interrupted a simulation? You'd think they'd want to avoid that.

RIKER: What happened back there, Ensign?
SITO: I'm sorry, sir. When we changed course I had to re-lock phasers before I could fire.
RIKER: Next time, try letting the locking relay float until the actual order to fire is given.

This is ridiculous. The "locking relay" would have to be tied into both the sensors keeping track of the other ship's location AND the conn system's internal sensors of where the ship thinks it is and how it's moving. Given the complexities of ship movements during a battle a large percentage of targeting would have to be automatic to have any chance of actually hitting.

LAVELLE: Aye, aye, sir.
RIKER: One aye is sufficient acknowledgment, Ensign.

And this is where my compassion for Riker in this situation runs out. This seems like a petty excuse to pound Lavelle down. And for what, to deflate Lavelle's ego or inflate his own?

SITO: How'd you like to be a spider under that table?
LAVELLE: What?
SITO: A spider under the table.
LAVELLE: Is that like a fly on the wall?
SITO: I guess so.

It's nice to see colloquialisms from other cultures, but it does introduce more questions about how the Universal Translator works and whether or not all cadets have to learn English.

LAFORGE: Your plasma flow to the nacelles is out of sync.
TAURIK: Actually, sir, that was done deliberately. As you can see, this configuration has increased overall warp field integrity by seven percent.
LAFORGE: You're right.

This seems like nonsense to me. How can plasma flow be out of sync, and what does the plasma flow "frequency" have to do with the warp field integrity? Are they implying that the warp field from each nacelle pulses with the plasma flow and having the two nacelles pulse out of sync leads to the wave form of the two warp fields covering a wider range than just a simple "sine wave"?

SITO: I only filled in at Ops for a half hour, but I had to degauss the main deflector dish, recalibrate the navigation grid, and use internal sensors to find a lost puppy.

None of these seem like Ops jobs. For that matter, wouldn't all of the pets be chipped to allow for instantaneous locating?

SITO: I can't figure out why I'm even being considered for this assignment. I'm a security officer.
WORF: I recommended you.
SITO: I'll try not to let you down, sir.

For a duty change this drastic, wouldn't you want the officer's consent before they were even considered?

BEN: He likes Jazz, poker. He's Canadian.
LAVELLE: Yeah? My grandfather was from Canada.

It's an honest mistake for Ben to make, but Lavelle's idea of connecting though a grandfather is pathetic. Talk about grasping at straws. Furthermore, if Lavelle wants to find a commonality with Riker, wouldn't it be better to look at his personnel file instead of relying on second-hand information?

PICARD: How close to the Cardassian border are we?
DATA: Less than five thousand kilometres, sir.

Sheesh, talk about dancing on the line!

PICARD: Can we get within transporter range without crossing into Cardassian territory?
DATA: We would need to boost the gain on the confinement beam by at least seven percent.

The range of the transporter is forty thousand kilometers. The escape pod is fifty thousand kilometers inside Cardassian space. Even if I'll buy that you can temporarily boost the range by seven percent, it wouldn't be enough.

It occurs to me that a useful tool would be a probe designed to be a transporter relay. Send the probe over into Cardassian space, have it beam the survivor over but instead of materializing inside the probe it forwards the signal to the Enterprise.

TAURIK: Bio readings indicate that passenger's humanoid. Attempting life form identification.
LAFORGE: No one told you to do that, Ensign.

Why would Taurik care about the species? It's not going to affect anything!

[Nate the Great]

PICARD: Well I'm really very sorry you didn't enjoy your time at the Academy, Ensign. As far as I'm concerned, you should have been expelled for what you did. Quite frankly, I don't know how you made it on board this ship. You're dismissed.

I know that Picard is testing Sito, but that last part is just ridiculous. Yes, there have been times when an officer has been forced onto the Enterprise, Ro comes to mind immediately, but Sito would not be one of those cases, and she should realize that.

TAURIK: The pattern of fire you have asked for is similar to what might result if the shuttle had fled an attacker while engaging in evasive manoeuvres.
LAFORGE: It's an amazing coincidence.
TAURIK: Yes, sir. It is indeed.

I understand the need to damage the shuttle in this way, it's the phaser rifle part that baffles me. The output from a phaser rifle would be MUCH less than that of a shipboard phaser. And anyone scanning this shuttle would be able to tell the difference. Couldn't they have mocked up a phaser turret with a larger beam?

LAVELLE: I wonder who was in it?
BEN: You know what I heard? It was Ambassador Spock.

What would Spock be doing in Cardassian space?

TROI: I don't know. It seems to me that you and Lavelle are a lot alike.
RIKER: What? We're not at all alike.

They really aren't. Riker was never afflicted by the self-doubt that Lavelle has. As far as I can tell their only similarity is confidence while playing poker.

OGAWA: You know, Sam, maybe you shouldn't try so hard with Riker. It doesn't matter whether he likes you as long as he respects you.

Exactly. You'd think there'd be an Academy course for that.

TROI: Didn't you tell me that you took up poker so you could be the officer's game at the Potemkin?
RIKER: I happen to like poker.
TROI: But your senior officers might have thought you were trying to ingratiate yourself. I guess it's lucky that they realised you were young and inexperienced, and decided not to hold it against you.

I'm not seeing the connection between "learning how to play poker" and "you automatically get the right to join the senior officer's game".

TAURIK: What I find curious is that when Commander La Forge saw that the technique I was using was actually more efficient, he seemed annoyed.
BEN: Of course he was.
LAVELLE: He didn't like the fact that you knew something he didn't.

No, I think Geordi was hoping that Taurik wouldn't ask any questions about this operation that he shouldn't know anything about. Frankly Taurik shouldn't have been anywhere near that shuttle, Data could've done the same job faster.

SITO: How am I supposed to defend myself when I can't see a thing?

Actually I'd think the Klingons would train blindfolded from time to time just to enhance their other senses. After all, will their enemy stop attacking just because you're blind?

SITO: If you didn't want me on your ship you should have said so when I was assigned to it. It's not your place to punish me for what I did at the Academy.

Exactly. Furthermore the idea that someone is irredeemable because of one mistake doesn't seem to fit the idealized Federation.

OGAWA: He asked me to marry him.
CRUSHER: Alyssa, that's wonderful! I'm so relieved. I mean happy.

This still seems a bit fast, especially since she'll get pregnant immediately. They should've implied a longer offscreen courtship.

JORET: I'm sick of war. My people need peace.

Too bad you won't get it thanks to Dukat and the Dominion.

RIKER: Try narrowing the scan field. See if you can pick up any biosigns.
LAVELLE: Sir, it would help if I knew what kind of life signs to look for.
RIKER: You're scanning for Bajoran lifesigns.

Is there some peculiarity of Bajoran lifesigns that would be easier to scan for?

WORF: I appreciate what you are trying to do, but it is not appropriate. You were her friends. I was only her commanding officer.
BEN: Sir, I happen to know that she considered you a friend.

Like I said earlier, it would've been nice to tie Worf into the lower decks characters' plot earlier. Perhaps he could've given Lavelle some advice about dealing with Riker, or something.

The Fiver

Troi: Outwit. Outspeak. Outlive.

Are there some missing first lines here. And is this supposed to be a Survivor reference?

Taurik: If I could have a word with you, I have a new plan that would increase our efficiency in engineering.
LaForge: Let's have a look.
Taurik: (hands Geordi a PADD). As you can see, if we can find ourselves a Klingon-human hybrid, and then give her pon far--
LaForge: Wait, wait. How will that increase efficiency in engineering?
Taurik: By increasing the efficiency of its best engineer, of course.

Hardy har har. It is a little icky, though.

Riker: Well I am from Alaska, I do know a little about Canada.
Lavelle: Alaska? Wow, I had a friend who went to Auburn University.

Auburn University is in Arkansas. I don't think Lavelle would make for a good contestant on Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego...

Picard: Ensign Sito, quite frankly I think you're irresponsible, an officer of disputed character, and I absolutely hate your hair!
Sito: With all due respect sir, so were you, so were you, and you're just jealous.

Except for the Borg stuff, when was Picard suspected of disputed character?

Lavelle: I'm worried, tell me everything you know that's classified.

I think a big misstep in the episode is Lavelle not having a secret like the other three.

Memory Alpha

* Barclay was considered for a role as one of the lower decks characters, but I don't think it would've worked. His age and social awkwardness would make him a bad fit with the youngsters.
* The creators wanted to bring Sito back in DS9, but I don't think it would've worked. What role would she have played on the station after being rescued? It would've made for great character developmente for Worf, but also would've required a lot of exposition to catch the DS9 viewers up.

Nitpicker's Guide

* An Air Force officer wrote in to Phil saying that an officer's immediate superior would be responsible for his evaluation, you wouldn't have the first officer covering the entire ship.
* "Lower Decks" is stated to be three years ago, but it was really less than two. Three years was required because Sito had to redo her junior year and then do her senior year.
* Phil questions how Crusher can create Cardassian blood when she couldn't do Romulan blood back in "The Enemy". I'll willingly chalk this up to iron based blood being easier than copper-based.
* Why isn't Sito wearing a Bajoran earring? I'd argue that she wasn't devout, but neither was Ro. Maybe Sito just didn't want to make waves insisting on her right to wear the earring, she thought that she was on thin ice as it was.

[Nate the Great]

February 14th, 1994, "Thine Own Self"

As a prelude, I agree with SF Debris that Troi's promotion should've been a subplot for multiple episodes, possibly triggered by the events of "Chain of Command" (which should've been three episodes, now that I think about it).

The Episode

TROI: I didn't expect to find anyone up except Data.

I won't repeat the entire "there should be an experienced staff on the bridge 24/7 because the Romulans won't be polite enough to attack during the day shift" screed again, but it still applies.

CRUSHER: Data's away on assignment. A Federation deep space probe went off course and crashed on Barkon Four. Some of the material in the casing was radioactive, so Data was sent to recover it before it could contaminate the biosphere.

I don't like the idea of one person away teams in general, but especially in cases where the mission is away from the ship. At the very least there should've been an ensign stationed in the shuttle waiting for Data to come back. Furthermore there have to be species (Horta? Gorn?) that would be immune to simple radiation to accompany him.

TROI: Fine. It was good to see some old friends. I'd lost touch with most of them.

I'm still confused about how anyone in the Federation could lose touch with anyone else. The computers seem to keep track of where everyone is unless you are explicitly a crackpot scientist who chooses to become lost. And it's not like there's such a thing as "long distance charges" in the future.

CRUSHER: I like to put in a little Bridge time now and then, stay on top of operations, tactical procedures. The truth is, I like it. It's not every doctor who gets to command a starship, even if it is the night shift.

This should've been established much earlier.

TROI: May I ask you a personal question? Why did you decide to become a Commander? I mean, you didn't need the rank in order to be Chief Medical Officer, so why put yourself through all the extra work?

This is used to explain Pulaski's lower rank. It does raise further questions about how there can be senior officers with ranks lower than Lieutenant Commander, but that's another screed.

CRUSHER: Oh, I don't know. I never even thought about my rank for a long time. It seemed pretty trivial compared to being a doctor. But then, about eight years ago, I started to feel like I wanted to stretch myself a little.

2362. We actually know nothing at all about Beverly's life between Jack's death and arriving on the E-D. If you go by the novels, however, in 2360 she helped Admiral Uhura on a Starfleet Intelligence mission. Perhaps she was made aware of greater capabilities within herself during this mission.

TROI: Is something wrong?
CRUSHER: No. I wanted to let Data know there'd be a delay in picking him up for a few of days. We have orders to rendezvous with the Lexington and take some medical supplies to the Taranko Colony.
TROI: But he's not responding.
CRUSHER: Geordi said that the radiation from the probe might interfere with communications. I just thought I'd try anyway.

And this is why you'd want an ensign in a shuttle in orbit. For that matter, you'd think they could zip over to Barkon IV, drop off the saucer section to look for him, then have the stardrive handle Taranko Colony.

(Riker is practising his trombone when Troi strolls in. He finishes the piece and then blows two notes)
TROI: Is that supposed to be a question?
(parp parp)
TROI: Because if you're asking me if I liked what you were playing, then the answer is yes.
(paarp parp)
TROI: You know, this is a much better way of communicating for you. It's far less confusing than the way you normally speak.
(parp!)

Always a great scene. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHgGYW7-Oto)

TROI: Do you remember when the Enterprise hit that quantum filament and I was in command on the Bridge?
RIKER: I do.
TROI: Well, when that happened, I was overwhelmed. But when it was over I realised that a part of me missed it. Not the actual disaster, but the experience of being in command.

And here we are, the biggest plot hole in the episode. I'm not going to claim that passing the test should be required for commanding the ship, but it wouldn't be a bad idea. Then again, you'd think every Starfleet Academy student has to take a few command courses, since all of them will command a work team, away team, or even the ship itself at some point.

Upon thinking about it, is there a difference between "having the bridge" (i.e. you have to call a senior officer to take over at the first hint of trouble) and "acting captain" (you're trusted to handle everything short of an actual war or First Contact situation)? That's another screed waiting to happen.,

RIKER: Deanna, if you take the Bridge Officer's test, you'll have my complete support. But as First Officer, I'll be the one judging your performance, and you should know I am a pretty tough judge.

I get the purpose of this for storytelling purposes, but in the real world I would have to assume that this would require specialized training akin to what Wesley had to go through back in "Coming of Age".

TALUR: No headaches, palpitations, sluggishness, indigestion?
DATA: No. But I cannot have indigestion since I have not eaten.
TALUR: Ah. Malnutrition.

That seems like a leap of logic.

TALUR: Yes. You probably come from a race of people who lived in the snow and ice of the Vellorian mountains. Your skin and eye colouration are a result of prolonged exposure to harsh winter conditions.

I do like the attempt to use science and logic here. A repeat of "Who Watches the Watchers" would be unwelcome.

(Skoran hits it with a hammer on the anvil)
SKORAN: It's obviously been tempered and milled.

Tempered means heating and slow cooling to increase toughness (ability to deform without fracturing). Milled means the surface has been cut away revealing a uniform surface. I had to look this stuff up, I've always been more comfortable with woodworking than metalworking.

SKORAN: The metal's malleable enough to make some jewellry.

We're never told what this stuff is beyond "radioactive". Uranium can be worked and I assume other radioactive metals can as well.

GIA: Father, are you all right?
GARVIN: I've been tired since this afternoon. I'm sure it's nothing.

Fatigue is a symptom of radiation poisoning, but it's surprising that nausea is never even mentioned.

DATA: Where is your mother?
GIA: She died about a year ago. Father says she went to a beautiful place where everything is peaceful and everyone loves each other, and no one ever gets sick. Do you think there's really a place like that?
(Data gazes out at the moon and stars)
DATA: Yes. I do.

Another great scene. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wU5tEiKMBY)

[Nate the Great]

LAFORGE: We just lost contact with everything above deck twenty one, including the Bridge.

You know, there really should be several dedicated communications channels between the bridge and main engineering. And of various technologies as well. I'm offended by the idea that there's only one cable between the two that can be easily severed. Furthermore, shouldn't the commbadges operate on a frequency that is completely different from the ones a shipboard disaster could interfere with?

COMPUTER: Unable to comply. All power to ejection systems has been terminated and cannot be restored.

Ugh. Even IF we suppose that the ship can be damaged to the point where the computer can't create a connection to the animatter pods, there should be crewman near the pods at all times and a big red level ready to manually eject said pods. Duh.

TROI: So what did I do wrong?
RIKER: I'm afraid I can't tell you that.
TROI: Why not? What kind of a test is this?
RIKER: It's the kind of a test that you'll have to take again if you want to be a Bridge Officer.

Yes, there should always be a few things on a final exam that you have to have studied enough to have hardwired into your brain. Simply taking the test over and over again and hoping that your dice rolls are favorable is no way to make a bridge officer.

TALUR: Rock, fire, sky, and water are the basic elements of the universe. They can be found in every object, every person, every animal, everything.

Americans tend to be egotistical and think that any "primitive system of elements" always consists of air, earth, water, and fire. The weird thing is, they also tend to ignore aether, which covers any number of phenomenon that can't be understood. Upon doing research I was surprised to find out how many cultures use the five elements with little modifications. I could've sworn that there was a culture that added "metal".

TROI: The secondary plasma vent has a triple redundant bypass. Which means that the primary access junction is routed through
(doorbell)
TROI: Come in. Would be routed through the port transducer matrix.

You have to feel for Sirtis here. Unline Burton or Spiner she hasn't had to memorize Treknobabble to the extent needed in this episode.

TROI: Why? Because I'm not the most technically-minded person on the ship? I may have trouble telling the difference between a plasma conduit and a phase inducer, but there's more to being a bridge officer than memorising technical manuals.

Really? I jolly well expect any Starfleet officer to know the difference between those two. Now, if you were talking about preganglionic fibers and postganglionic nerves, that's another story...

TROI: Geordi, could you repair the ODN conduit if you went into the crawlspace?
WORF: Sir, that crawlway is in a warp-plasma shaft. He would never survive the radiation.

Crawlspace? Did the screenwriter get tired of writing Treknobabble and simply refuse to say "Jeffries tube?"

DATA: I have coated this piece of cloth with the liquid which is used in lamps. As you can see, the cloth becomes luminescent when it is exposed to an energy source. This pendant also appears to be an energy source.

I haven't found any evidence that lamp oil glows in the presence of radiation. Perhaps this mystery metal isn't emitting a type of radiation that is presently known.

TALUR: But where is this pattern of light coming from?
DATA: I believe a stream of particles is emanating from the metallic pendant and hitting the cloth.

How do you explain subatomic particles to a culture that hasn't even invented the steam engine?

GIA: What kind of medicine is it?
DATA: A compound I made which will neutralise the particles that are making you ill.

The most primitive radiation treatments include potassium iodine and certain dyes, and special proteins that can promote the production of white blood cells.

DATA: I had located the crashed Federation probe and collected the radioactive fragments. I was attempting to download the sensor logs from the probe's onboard computer. There was a power surge. I believe the surge overloaded my positronic matrix. After that, I have no memory until this moment.

Ugh. You'd think Data would install surge protectors into himself, especially after the events of "Disaster."

The Fiver

Data: It says "radioactive."
Garvin: What's that supposed to mean?
Data: What do you think I am, a walking dictionary?

Missing first lines alert!

Talur: Your skin is very pale, so you must not spend much time in the sun.
Data: That would be an accurate assumption.
Talur: My grandmother would have thought you were a demon of some sort, but I know better: You are a vampire.

The fiver was written in 2004. The first Twilight book wouldn't be released until 2005. I'm surprised that there isn't a basement-dwelling nerd punchline in this one. They don't spend much time in the sun, either.

Data: (lifts anvil) I believe the anvil fell because of shoddy workmanship.You should avoid ordering from this "Acme Corporation" in the future.

Actually I'm pretty sure ACME never sent Wile E. Coyote any faulty products. He just used them in an unexpected and dangerous way.

Talur: Garvin, you don't look so good.
Garvin: Pbbt, I feel fine.
Talur: You don't smell so good, either. I think you're sick.
Garvin: Nonsense!
Talur: Then why are there two puncture marks on your neck?

If that was supposed to be a Princess Bride joke, it needed a bit more development.

Talur: So the five basic elements are earth, fire, wind, water, and heart. And when these elements combine, we have Captain Planet!

Well, that's a time capsule of a joke.

Skoran: You're the cause of all this, Vampire!
Data: If you are referring to the illness, you are partially correct, but you may want to examine my data in detail.
Skoran: Forget details. We want to hit you in deface.

Ouch, that one hurt.

Data: Gia, wake up! I have good news!
Gia: You found a cure for the disease?
Data: Not yet, but I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.

You have to throw in the explicit Geiko reference to complete the joke.

Picard: I'm glad we were able to beam you back safely,
Data. What's the last thing you remember?
Data: "His nose should pant, and his lip should" --

Nice Insurrection reference. Have I mentioned lately how much I prefer Insurrection to First Contact?

Memory Alpha

* Last appearance of Riker playing trombone. And it must be a new one, since he gave his old one to Tom.
* Jeri Taylor admitted that some fans were angry that Troi got a promotion instead of Data or Geordi. I would argue that Geordi hasn't been a Lt. Cmdr. long enough to be promoted again so fast. As for Data, that's another kettle of fish I don't care to open right now.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Given what we know of Data's mass, he would topple over if he tried to lift that anvil in that position. It's not a matter of strength, it's a matter of leverage.
* Phil is confused about Beverly expanding her horizons in only one direction with the bridge officer's test. I think that's a little shortsighted. It could be argued that the test covers more than just command, it also includes understanding enough of the other areas of the ship to effectively command them.
* Pulaski was also a full commander, yet she didn't take the test and wasn't a bridge officer. I could've sworn she was only a Lt. Cmdr.
* How come the radioactive materials box had a simple latch and not a computer lock?
* Riker says "end simulation" after the test, but only the people disappear, not the set as well. Oops.
* Did Crusher somehow fix Data without having to remove the native clothing that he was wearing?

[Nate the Great]

February 21st, 1994, "Masks"

Fiver by saxamaphone (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=masks)

The Episode

TROI: How's it going, Data?
DATA: I have finished.
(it's a perfect PADD)
DATA: The dimensions are accurate to within one point three percent.
TROI: I'm sure they are.

The strange thing is that with Data I'd expect better than 1.3%. He has perfect sight and perfect control over his hands and the tools in them.

TROI: Maybe you should try something a little more abstract. Here. I want you to start a new piece. I'd like you to sculpt music.
DATA: Counsellor, music is a collection of acoustic vibrations. How can I reproduce a sound with clay?
TROI: Well, think of the effects that sounds have on people, the images that music brings to your mind, and then give it a form.
(he quickly forms a treble clef)

This is one that baffles me. He's a student of all art, and plenty of artists have attempted to recreate music in a visual medium (https://www.artsy.net/article/artsy-editorial-music-motivated-artists-matisse-kandinsky-reinvent-painting). There's plenty of material for Data to regurgitate and remix into a new form.

(a golden sun-face fills the screen)
LAFORGE: What's that one?
DATA: Death.

The idea of a sun god representing death seems like a stretch.

DATA: I do not know, sir. The object is nearly solid. It is composed primarily of fortanium and several unknown materials. It is over eighty seven million years old.

Only appearance of fortanium. It occurs to me that this would've been a great place to namedrop the "ceramic alloys" from "The Inner Light."

PICARD: The concept of the four cardinal compass directions is quite common in many different cultures.

In many nomadic societies the four cardinal directions are important representations of sunrise/sunset and the sources of the major winds. The Greeks and Romans even had names for twelve different wind directions. The ancient Arabs had a 32-point compass rose based on key constellations to be used for celestial navigation.

DATA: Geordi, what does it feel like when a person is losing his mind?

Always a chilling line.

(Data has the compass symbol on his forehead and a wicked grin)

The idea that the archive is mucking around with the matter in Data's body is quite disturbing.

LAFORGE: Captain, this is incredible. These artefacts weren't beamed over here from the archive. The matter here in Ten Forward has been transformed.
PICARD: Into living plants? How is that possible?

A valid question, but not the most important one right now. Then again, the replicator can create salads. How much more work would it be to set up a complete plant?

WORF: Sir, our weapon control systems are inoperative. However, we could reconfigure a photon torpedo for manual launch.

What about launching a shuttle and using the torpedoes from that? Are the shuttles being affected as well?

(the torpedo is full of snakes...

Now that's impressive. I sort of wish that they just said that the archive was doing all of these transformations, it would be easy to handwave the life creation if they did that.

RIKER: Maybe we'd better talk in here. The Observation Lounge has turned into a swamp.

It's amazing how the archive isn't transforming any of the hullplates or windows. Or the antimatter containment pods, for that matter.

RIKER: What about communications, sensors, life support?
LAFORGE: We have communications, and limited sensor control. Life support seems to be unaffected.

Why haven't they sent out a distress call yet? There's no guarantee that the archive won't transform the actual people at some point, this is a really dangerous situation!

WORF: Captain. The entire deck has been cleared of personnel. We may proceed.

Because we all know that Masaka's temple can be confined on a single deck. Ugh.

PICARD: Mister Data, are you all right?
DATA: I believe so, sir. I am not entirely certain what has happened. Have I been dreaming again?

They could've done so much more with the dreaming program. Come to think of it, they could've used it in the movies. The fear from not saving Geordi, the Borg Queen inserting herself into the dream, etc.

The Fiver

Picard: No, we won't even be breaking the ice.

Missing first lines alert!

Riker: What could they possibly mean?
Data: "Buried...Years...For all time --"

Is this a reference to something?

La Forge: Data, you can read this?
Data: Yes, I am hooked on hieroglyphics.

"Hooked on Phonics" is already a fading cultural memory. I pity the readers of the future who won't have a clue on why this is a joke.

Riker: Aye sir, but I think I should warn you that the ship's anti-virus software won't be installed until Tuesday.

Is the Tuesday gag the most prevalent movie-specific one on the site?

Picard: I don't know, but check out these pictures! This one's a giant snake head, I think.
Worf: "How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth!"
Picard: Worf, we're not playing the "List the Episodes or Movies that the Current Events Duplicate" game.

That game would get old really fast.

Nitpicker's Guide

* How did they know where Masaka's temple would be created?
* Phil points out how easily Data broke out and wonders why ship's security hasn't figured out a way to contain him yet.
* He wonders why they lugged a torpedo up to Main Engineering to modify it when they'd just have to lug it down to the torpedo bay again anyway. I question why you'd want a torpedo near the warp core in any case.
* When the temple turns back into the corridor Data and Picard weren't at floor level, why didn't they fall?

[Nate the Great]

February 28th, 1994, "Eye of the Beholder"

Boy, was I not looking forward to this one. More Troi/Worf nonsense, more suspected crazy people, more absurd Treknobabble.

Fiver by Kira (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=eyeofthebeholder)

The Episode

DATA: We are losing containment in the starboard nacelle tube.
PICARD: Try to get more power to the field coils.
DATA: Aye, sir.

Data's not even using the Engineering station on the Bridge, how is he supposed to help? Not only is this a Main Engineering Problem, but there should be dedicated controls outside each nacelle to provide for emergency shutoff and nacelle ejection.

PICARD: Release the exterior hull plate. We may have to jettison the core.

Why is releasing the hull plate a separate command? It should be an automatic part of the process? Is it somehow safer to release manually?

RIKER: What happened?
NARA: (alien woman) He locked out the controls. Before we knew what was happening, he stepped up onto the walkway.
RIKER: (to Worf) See if you can help shut down the plasma flow.

I know that the main characters have to be a part of the story, but this is one case where it just doesn't make sense. This really isn't a "Worf" job, nor is he the go-to guy for shutting down the plasma flow (which should really be a one-button command from Main Engineering anyway).

TROI: I met with him about six weeks ago, during the crew evaluations. He was very positive. He was looking forward to being posted to the nacelle tube.

First of all, there are TWO nacelle tubes. Second of all, is this really a permanent posting? Proverbial oil changes seems like something you could rotate one shift a month among the Engineering staff.

TROI: If he made any personal logs, it might be helpful to look through them.
PICARD: You're authorised to do so.

You'd think the ship's counselor would be authorized to read any personal log at any time, she wouldn't need authorization for it.

PICARD: The medical situation on Barson Two has worsened. Starfleet has given us permission to exceed warp speed limitations so as to get back on schedule.

It would've been so easy for the creators to just ignore "Force of Nature", it's not like the viewers of the time would've cared. It just makes the blatant apathy of the Voyager writing staff more obvious.

DATA: The first months following my activation were a difficult period for me. There were many problems associated with my becoming sentient.
LAFORGE: Because your neural net was still forming.
DATA: As I acquired new skills, neural pathways would form replacing other less complex pathways. It was very disorienting.
LAFORGE: I bet.

I get what they're going for, but the writers should not have tried such an apples and oranges comparison just to make Data the focus. It's an insult to the real people who have contemplated suicide. This scene should've been replaced with one where Worf reevaluates his experiences during the events of "Ethics". It also would've made for a nice Worf/Troi scene if that's what they were going for.

TROI: It all looks so normal. For some reason I half expected the place to be a mess.

A stupid statement from a psychologist. Not all mentally unwell people lash out as a coping mechanism OR are capable of restraining their symptoms in public. Yet another example of oversimplifying mental illness for the sake of a plot point.

TROI: I thought you might like to know that in his personal logs, Dan talked about you a great deal. He loved you very much.
CALLOWAY: If that's true, then how could he leave me like this?

Ugh. Depression and suicidal thoughts tend to not be rational thoughts. Who's to say if you were on his mind at all while he planned his suicide? (If this was a standard suicidal episode, which it's not)

CALLOWAY: Yes. Dan sensed that she, well, that she felt threatened by him. That she thought he was after her position.

First of all, Starfleet training should be enough to handle this. Second of all, what was going on with the crew of the other nacelle tube? Surely they could've both been in charge of one without stepping on any feet.

NARA: Excellent. He knew this ship better than most people, probably because he helped build it back at Utopia Planitia.

And he's a lowly engineer in one of the nacelle tubes after seven years? This doesn't add up.

NARA: He was ambitious. He came in here with all sorts of new ideas about how to do things. Some of them very good ideas.

New ideas about how to do what? The people in the tubes are only there to make sure that the warp plasma safely gets to the warp coils. There isn't much room for modification of the system there. And even if there were, they would've told Geordi about their ideas and then returned to changing oil or whatever.

TROI: Well, when I was a young girl, my grandfather used to tell me stories by the fire. I would close my eyes and listen to his mind for hours on end.
WORF: He would tell you these stories telepathically?
TROI: My grandfather rarely spoke. He said that was for off-worlders and people who didn't know any better.

It's stuff like this that raises questions. It's made clear that Betazoids have to grow into their powers at puberty. Tam Elbrun had to grow up with all that noise and it made him unhinged. Perhaps Betazoid adults act as recievers and transmitters for their children for basic communication, but that just raises further questions!

WORF: Lieutenant Corell seems to be enjoying your company.
RIKER: I'd like to think so.
WORF: Are you involved with her?
RIKER: I'm not sure yet. Why, are you interested?
WORF: No. But if I were, I would of course discuss the situation with you before proceeding further.
RIKER: I appreciate it, but that really wouldn't be necessary.
WORF: I mean I would never want to come between you and someone you are involved with, or had ever been involved with.
RIKER: Is there someone in particular that you're talking about?
WORF: No. Is there someone in particular you would rather I not be involved with?

This conversation should've happened in a prior episode, and frankly Worf should've been more direct. I can appreciate that Klingons follow the bro code, but this case is special. Will and Deanna have made it clear that despite their attraction they aren't prepared to be in a relationship right now. Furthermore, Worf knows about Riker's dalliances and trips to Risa by now. This scene feels like Worf is implying that Riker is allowed to "call dibs" on any number of women simultaneously for as long as he wants, which is disgusting.

TROI: If only I could go back to the control room without being overwhelmed by the experience. It might help me remember some detail that might be relevant.

You mean like recreating the thing in the holodeck? This is one plot hole that really bugs me. It's not like they'd have to make a new set...

(Troi is ploughing through personnel files on the science station - Guy Vardeman is masquerading as Darien Wallace)

Guy VardAman was a frequent TNG bit player as well as a stand-in for Spiner. He also helped out with the production staff and created some beta canon stuff for the card game and magazines. Chakoteya must be a fan.

WORF: Have you found anything?
TROI: No. There were literally thousands of people involved in building the Enterprise.

But how many were involved in designing or building the nacelle tube? You know, I really do expect better from her after the Bridge Officer's test.

TROI: The fact that I couldn't read him suggests that he has at least some telepathic ability.

I'll skip the screed speculating about the different telepathic "frequencies" and methods used by different telepathic races, but there is a lot to unpack here.

(finally, Worf takes her hand and nuzzles her neck, then they kiss passionately)
(next morning, Troi is still in bed and Worf is already dressed. He kisses her awake. I thought non-Klingon females were too fragile??)

So did I. And even if we're going to posit that Worf was exaggerating, this is not the time for them to be having sex for the first time. She admits that she could be under psychic influence, they're in the middle of an investigation, and Worf technically doesn't have Will's permission yet because he didn't ask properly.

For that matter, where's Alexander? Did Worf leave him a message saying that he wouldn't be back tonight because he's out catching some tail?

TROI: Lieutenant Nara, may I ask you something? The work Lieutenant Kwan was doing, was it unusual in any way?
NARA: He was refitting a field coil, but it was probably the first time that particular panel's been opened since the ship was built.
TROI: Thank you.

I find that hard to believe. I would expect every panel to be open during the post-Borg refit. Furthermore, I refuse to believe that any part of the warp drive system is that reliable.

[Nate the Great]

LAFORGE: Organic? You're right. Let me reconfigure the emitter beam. We might be able to see what it is. There.
(skull, ribcage, spine)

Yeah, no. That much impurity would show up in a prior scan, plus the ship would keep careful track of the stress patterns in every piece of bulkhead. This thing would show up instantly as a weak point.

TROI: Worf, can I ask you something? Do you regret what happened last night?
WORF: No, of course not.
TROI: Are you sure? Because I don't want anything to jeopardise our friendship.

I find it odd that they didn't bring up the sex=marriage thing. Had they not brought it up in "Looking for Par-Mach" I would've been able to brush it aside as Worf being uber-old-fashioned-Klingon again.

There's another screed about Worf seeing sex as having a spiritual component. Was what happened last night really spiritual?

TROI: I'm not feeling myself. Maybe it's the inhibitor. I'm so used to sensing what people are feeling, and now I can't.

In a post-"The Loss" episode this doesn't make sense at all.

WORF: I opened the maintenance door at Counsellor Troi's request, then turned to see her standing too close to the force field.
TROI: It all seemed so real to me. I can't believe that everything I experienced happened in just those few seconds.

And there's the copout. None of it really happened, so we're not supposed to question it. Yeah, I will never follow that line of reasoning. In order for illusions to be THAT convincing and last THAT long, it has to follow the same logic as the real world.

Which introduces further questions. Does Troi really think of Worf as the kind of guy who engages in casual sex? Does she think that either one of them would make such a life-changing event without at least a conversation? Does she still think of Will as having "dibs" on her?

The Fiver

Lieutenant Kwan: Don't come any closer or I'll jump through this forcefield!
Riker: Don't be ridiculous. Nobody can jump through a forcefield.

This is overly simplistic. We've seen forcefields of many intensities. But yeah, this particular one should repel solid objects.

Empathic Echo: Simba, you must avenge my death.
Troi: What?
Empathic Echo: Er... Luke, trust your feelings.
Troi: Huh?
Empathic Echo: Dammit, I got it right on that other guy....

"In life, I was your partner Jacob Marley..."

Troi: ...and as I was standing there, I could feel a presence. But there was nobody there!
Riker: You mean....
Troi: Yes. I sense dead people.

Yikes is that a reference that didn't age well.

Troi: The empathic echo was forged deep in the nacelle tube, in fires of the plasma vents. Only there can it be destroyed.

This Lord of the Rings reference feels like either a shoehorn or one that was only half-baked, I'm not sure.

Troi: Since when do you stop by my quarters late at night?
Worf: All the time, Imzadi.
Troi: I thought I told you to stop calling me that. You're not Will Riker.
Worf: Have you ever kissed me with a beard before?

I refer you to the novel Imzadi II where Worf really learns what that term means and applies it to Jadzia, not Deanna. The Insurrection joke kinda falls flat here.

Worf: Commander, I have a hypothetical situation for you. If a Klingon security chief wished to mate with a Betazoid counsellor --
Riker: Stay away from my girl, Worf.
Worf: If she were your girl, you wouldn't have to tell me that.

Is this an X-Men reference?

Besides, you know what they say about all good things.
Riker: You're just asking for an insurrection, buster.

Another half-baked joke. If you're not going to mention all of the TNG movies, why bother?

Troi: There's something behind that bulkhead.
La Forge: Let's see what the scanner can -- whoa. I see a dead people.
Body: I'm not dead.
Troi: Yes, you are. You're in a bulkhead.
Body: I feel better. I think I'll go for a walk.
La Forge: Data, you're not fooling anyone. Stop throwing your voice.
Data: Aw.

This Monty Python joke feels like it needed another line.

Troi: Worf... are you sorry you slept with me?
Worf: (making a notch on his belt) Sorry, what?

This might be a good gag for Riker, but not Worf. As far as we know, his only sexual partners at this point are K'Ehleyr (it still annoys me that I have to look up how to spell that every time) and Deanna.

Troi: You cheating scumbag!
(ZAP!)
Worf: GAK!
Calloway: Oh my God! You've killed Worf!
Troi: That bastard.

This feels like a South Park reference, but I don't watch that show.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Ensign Calloway seems rather calm given that her boyfriend just died. After Jeremy Aster I'm willing to accept any emotion at all.
* Phil also noticed the different kinds of force fields thing.
* Phil makes a mistake by asking why Riker didn't ask O'Brien to beam Kwan out. Because O'Brien is on Deep Space Nine, dum dum! As for normal transporters, I'm willing to speculate that the nacelle tubes generate a lot of interference.
* Data clearly says that they are in the starboard nacelle, yet the graphic shows them venting the port nacelle. Oops.

[Nate the Great]

March 21st, 1994, "Genesis"

Oh, the science in this one is going to hurt...

Fiver by Marc (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=genesis)

BARCLAY: Blurred vision, dizziness, palpitations, a stinging sensation in the lower spine. It's Terrelian Death Syndrome, isn't it.
CRUSHER: I thought we agreed you'd come to me before checking Starfleet Medical Database.

It's far too late into Barclay's character arc to do a story like this. It occurs to me that there should be a difference between the publicly available medical database of common stuff and the sickbay-only one for the more obscure stuff.

"When you hear hoofbeats, you just go ahead and think horses, not zebras!" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDY214pcbOw)

BARCLAY: Electrophoretic activity? Is it serious?
CRUSHER: Well, based on this, I'd say you've got seventy, maybe eighty years.
BARCLAY: Eighty? Eighty years?

Even if we accept that McCoy's longevity is unusual, 120 seems young by 24th century standards.

CRUSHER: Yes, Reg. What you've got a mild case of Urodelan Flu. It's nothing serious. Most humans have a natural immunity to it, but the T-cell in your DNA that would normally fight off the infection is dormant.
BARCLAY: So you mean I have bad genes?
CRUSHER: You have one dormant gene out of a hundred thousand, and I can activate that gene with a synthetic T-cell let the body attack the infection naturally. You should feel better in a couple of days.

This seems silly. Reprogramming the immune system that easily is absurd. Why not just attack this thing directly instead of tricking the body into doing it?

OGAWA: I know what you mean. I don't want to know either.
CRUSHER: Alyssa?
OGAWA: Spot's not the only one who's going to be a mother.
CRUSHER: Oh, Alyssa, that's wonderful! How did Andrew take the news?
OGAWA: He was a little shocked, but he's getting over it.

Like I've said before, the timeline just doesn't work here. It's way too early for Alyssa to suspect, she just got engaged a month ago and it was clearly not a shotgun wedding. Did they decide to start trying immediately and she's been scanning herself daily?

The annoying part of all this is that they had her get married to service a terrible episode. Spot turned into a girl to service a terrible episode.

WORF: The next test will involve the new photon torpedoes. The explosive yield has been increased by eleven percent and I have enhanced the targeting system for increased accuracy.

How do you increase the amount of antimatter by 11% without making the torpedoes too large for the launchers? As for the targeting system, why is Worf doing this instead of Geordi or the eggheads back at Starfleet Command?

PICARD: Maintain a sensor lock on the torpedo, Mister Worf. We'll have to go after it.
DATA: That would be inadvisable, sir. The asteroid field is unusually dense. The Enterprise is too large to safely navigate through it.

The average distance between asteroids in the asteroid belt is a million km. The Enterprise is one kilometer long. Don't even think of telling me that the deflector shield around the ship is a million km wide. This is a stupid way to get Picard and Data off the ship. I would've preferred it if they were just away at a conference like in Timescape and returned to a ship in chaos. Sure it'd be lazy, but it wouldn't be stupid lazy.

PICARD: Then I'll take a shuttlecraft and retrieve it. Mister Data, you're with me.
RIKER: Captain, the shuttle pilot who's on duty is Lieutenant Hayes.
PICARD: I happen to be a reasonably qualified pilot, Number One.

Wouldn't Data fly the shuttle even better than Hayes?

RIKER: Wait a minute. Slow down. I lost you back there. Which sensor clusters?

I don't like this idea that only Riker is getting dumber. Especially since everyone is devolving into more primitive lifeforms.

TROI: Worf, it's freezing in here.
WORF: You have already raised the temperature three times. It is too hot.
TROI: Live with it.

I'm pretty sure you'd need a doctor's note to justify altering the environmental controls. This episode is just full of idiocy.

TROI: What are you doing here?
WORF: I had to be near you.
TROI: Computer, increase temperature by five degrees.
WORF: Get out of that water now.
TROI: Leave me alone!
(Worf grabs her arm and bites her on the cheek)

A key problem with the Worf/Troi romance is that it was never used as a simple romance. It was always a source of drama and a lazy plot device. Plus it never made sense. Maybe on some twisted level Worf would conclude that Troi getting along with Alexander makes her good stepmother material, but he has his needs as well. And Troi definitely falls into the "too fragile" category.

LAFORGE: Commander, I've got seven security teams out hunting for Worf, but for some reason sensors are having a difficult time locking onto him.

Ugh. Yet another case of "no commbadge=impossible to track". Even if Worf is devolving there are only two Klingons on board, what is so hard for the sensors to track?

And I just hinted at another big problem with the premise of this episode: the children. They'd be panicking, their parents would be panicking, there'd be riots all over the ship. It's not reasonable to put children on the ship unless they're going to be considered in each and every episode. They weren't even evacuated before the Borg invasion!

PICARD: Adjust the axial stabilisers to match the attitude and rotation rate of the Enterprise, I'm going to dock the shuttle manually.

The use of "dock" in this sense doesn't really fit. They somehow opened the shuttlebay doors to get inside. Does prefix code authorization extend far enough to control the in-bay tractor beam?

PICARD: Any sign of the crew?
DATA: I cannot access internal sensors from here.

So? He's got a tricorder, doesn't he? And the shuttle has its own sensors, right? This is a stupid episode.

DATA: I am picking up one thousand and eleven individual life forms within the ship. All exhibit a similar genetic flux to the one we observed in Counsellor Troi.

So 1,012 minus Data and Picard plus Ogawa's baby? But what about the multiple pets on board?

PICARD: I've regained attitude control for the ship...

Attitude control just means that the ship isn't drifting anymore. Frankly that's not the priority right now. Picard should've activated the emergency quarantine beacon by now.

PICARD: It looks as though the entire power transfer grid has been destroyed.

How? Are there fuses that Geordi's team has to change every day? The Jenolan was fine for seventy-five years!

DATA: I have analysed Commander Riker's DNA structure. A synthetic T-cell has invaded his genetic codes. This T-cell has begun to activate his latent introns.
PICARD: Introns?
DATA: They are genetic codes which are normally dormant. They are evolutionary holdovers, sequences of DNA that provided key behavioural and physical characteristics millions of years ago, but are no longer necessary. For instance, Counsellor Troi's gill slits and other amphibious characteristics were derived from introns which still contain amphibious codes.

Of course this is complete nonsense. In real life introns are just the junk parts of a gene that aren't used.

CRUSHER: He transformed into a spider and now he has a disease named after him.
TROI: I think I'd better clear my calendar for the next few weeks.

He he.

[Nate the Great]

The Fiver

Crusher: All right -- this special T-cell booster shot should do the trick.
Barclay: Uh...does it come as a chewable tablet? I'm scared of hyposprays.

At least make it a full-blown Flintstones chewable joke, Marc! It would even tie into the plot!

Crusher: Good. Data, would you like to know the sex of the kittens in advance?
Data: Not for the moment. I must first determine why I spent years mistakenly thinking that Spot was a male.

I'd prefer to think that Data has had a series of cats, each called Spot.

Ogawa: Doctor, look at what I've found on Mr. Worf's neck!
Crusher: My God, it looks like a venom sac! I wonder if he can use it to....
Worf: SSSSSSSSSPIT!
Crusher: ARRRGH! I'm melting, I'm melting!

This Wizard of Oz joke doesn't really work.

Picard: So that would explain why Commander Riker is now so thick-skulled and stubborn that it took a sustained phaser blast to bring him down.
Data: Yes, sir. You could even say he has become completely intronsigent.

Typo alert! IntrAnsigent means refusing to change one's views.

Picard: Do we have any pregnant females on the ship at the moment?
Data: Yes, Nurse Ogawa.
Picard: Anyone else?
Data: Assuming Mr. Worf hasn't yet tracked down Counselor Troi, no.

Yuck. I have to imagine that Klingons and Betazoids would need medical assistance to conceive anyway.

Barclay: But I'm dealing with it fine! Just last night, for instance, I dreamed that Data was affected by a de-evolution computer virus that affected him and nobody else.
Troi: Really? What did he mutate into?
Barclay: Would you believe a toaster?

Ugh.

Memory Alpha

* Only episode directed by Gates McFadden.
* Final TNG episode featuring Barclay.
* Troi is shown in command, but the staff forgot to update her rank on the nameplate to her quarters. Oops.
* The tradition of naming a disease after the first patient evidently started after our day, as usually we name it after the discoverer. So Crusher should get the credit.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Troi is taking a bath, and Worf just walks in. Did he use a security override? I would ask if their relationship has progressed to the point of giving each other access to their quarters.
* We know that Beverly didn't heal Deanna's bite mark because it was needed later, but that doesn't stop it from being stupid.
* After Crusher is sprayed with acid Ogawa takes her place at the staff meeting. We know that there are at least two other doctors on board (including Selar), so why didn't one of them attend?
* Why didn't Picard wear a spacesuit when boarding the Enterprise to keep him safe? The problem being a disease would've occurred to them, right?
* A few people wrote in to talk about the medical nonsense, but I'll skip it.
* Phil does wonder where Alexander is.
* Troi outranks Worf. If Troi modifies the environmental settings and Worf tries to override, shouldn't the computer ask Troi if it should carry out Worf's command?
* Phil did the math about the speed of the shuttle and the distance of the Enterprise. It would take over TWO MONTHS to reach the Enterprise!

[Nate the Great]

March 28th, 1994, "Journey's End"

No fiver

The Episode

CRUSHER: Here you are, your very own quarters. They're as far away from mine as possible, so you don't even have to see me if you don't want to.
WESLEY: Mom, you know that's not why I asked for my own quarters this time.
CRUSHER: You don't have to explain. There comes a time in a young man's life when he doesn't want to stay with his poor senile mother. I understand.
WESLEY: I'll come visit you in the old Doctor's Home every Sunday.

This seems more like sitcom dialogue than Star Trek.

RIKER: Earl Grey tea, watercress sandwiches and Bularian canapés. Are you up for a promotion?
PICARD: I am trying to establish a new relationship with the Admiral. There has been a certain amount of tension between us in the past.

It's far too late for this, especially when the show is about to end.

NECHEYEV: You'll notice a demilitarised zone has also been created along the border. Neither side will be permitted to place military outposts, conduct fleet exercises, or station warships anywhere in the demilitarised area.

And yet in DS9 the DMZ was never demilitarized...ever.

PICARD: This border places several Federation colonies in Cardassian territory and some Cardassian colonies in ours.
NECHEYEV: This agreement is far from perfect. Neither side got everything they wanted, but every side got something. And as someone once said, diplomacy is the art of the possible. Those colonies finding themselves on the wrong side of the border will have to be moved.

I've railed against the DMZ enough in the past. For the purposes of this episode it's enough to say that the border isn't remotely a straight line, so why can't it swoop around the colonies to prevent the Cardassians from bullying the Federation citizens? For that matter, why have we never EVER seen the Federation as landlords to a Cardassian colony?

PICARD: Dorvan Five? Isn't that where the group of North American Indians settled?

"Native American" was invented in the 1960s, it should be used in the 24th century.

PICARD: There are some very disturbing historical parallels here. Once more, they're being asked to leave their homes because of a political decision that has been taken by a distant government.
NECHEYEV: An Indian representative was included in the deliberations of the Federation Council. His objections were noted, discussed, but ultimately rejected. Captain, the Indians on Dorvan are a nomadic group that have settled there only twenty years ago, and at that time they were warned that the planet was hotly disputed by the Cardassians. The bottom line is they never should have gone there in the first place.

And this is where the entire premise of the episode falls apart. The Dorvan natives were warned twenty years ago that the area was in dispute and the planet might be given to the Cardassians. Picard's mission should consist of presenting them with the following options: evacuate now or you're on your own with the Cardassians with no protection. Period.

PICARD: What if these Indians refuse to be evacuated?
NECHEYEV: Then your orders will be to remove them by whatever means are necessary.

And now we're going past American imperialism into fascism. The government knows what's best for the people so the people aren't entitled to freedom. The difference between existing and living and so forth. I thought the creators wanted to soften Necheyev's character? Wouldn't this be a good place to bring back Maxwell?

WESLEY: Read the latest paper from Doctor Vassbinder. He has brilliant new theories on warp propulsion inter-relays.

I never knew that Doctor Vassbinder made a second appearance in canon. He actually made three; Chakotay mentioned him in "Year of Hell."

"He just kept talking in one long unbroken sentence, moving from topic to topic, it was really quite hypnotic." (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSiBvYodew8)

[Nate the Great]

ANTHWARA: Then you can respect the fact that this planet holds a deep spiritual significance for us. It has taken us two centuries to find this place. We do not want to spend another two hundred years searching for what we already have.

I know something about feeling a spiritual connection to a place. Even so, I have to agree with SF Debris; the people's lives are still more important.

It occurs to me that they dropped the ball by not introducing a natural resource that the Cardassians would want. Hence you could point at the Bajoran Occupation and say, "Do you want that to happen to your people?" Because without a natural resource, why would the Cardassians bother with this planet? They might put up a sensor array or repair facilities in orbit, but by no means would they occupy the entire planet.

CRUSHER: I shouldn't have to. You're a fourth year Starfleet cadet. You should have a certain level of maturity.
WESLEY: Maybe I am sick of following rules and regulations. Maybe I am sick of living up to everyone else's expectations. Did you ever think of that?

And here's where Wesley really dropped the ball. If he felt this way he should've dropped out of the Academy and not worn a uniform while visiting the ship. And this whole thing really feels like a shoehorn to get Wesley to where he needs to be for this episode to happen. Couldn't they have had an intermediate episode where he feels discontented and drops out to rejoin the Enterprise as a civilian, THEN do this episode where he finds another path? It's not like there aren't a ton of other Season Seven episodes that could've been dropped to make room for it. And now that I think of it, it would've made for an interesting reverse parallel with Troi's path to the Bridge Officer's test; she wants to stretch herself and he's tired of doing it all the time.

PICARD: Beverly, he's got to want that help. If he doesn't, then any efforts on our part can only push him further away. He's got to work this out for himself.

Exactly.

LAKANTA: The Habak is holy to us. We hold our rituals and our ceremonies there. It's sacred to us. What's sacred to you, Wesley?
WESLEY: I don't know. I mean, I think a lot of things are important, I have a lot of respect for things. But I don't really consider anything sacred.

It's an interesting question. It wouldn't be odd to discover that Felisa Howard had religious beliefs, and Beverly doesn't quite seem like an atheist. Has Wesley been so busy that he didn't take time to explore his own spirituality?

LAKANTA: Everything is sacred to us. The buildings, the food, the sky, the dirt beneath your feet. And you. Whether you believe in your spirit or not, we believe in it. You are a sacred person here, Wesley.
WESLEY: I think that's the first time anyone's used that particular word to describe me.
LAKANTA: So, if you are sacred, then you must treat yourself with respect. To do otherwise is to desecrate something that is holy.
WESLEY: Is that what you think I've been doing?
LAKANTA: Only you can decide that.
WESLEY: I guess I haven't had a lot of respect for myself lately.

Without going into detail on my beliefs, I understand this.

ANTHWARA: When you first came to us, we did not know why you were sent by the Federation but we knew there must be a good reason. To us, nothing that happens is truly random. So we searched for the true reason you were sent. We did not find it until last night. Are you familiar with the Pueblo Revolt of sixteen eighty?
TROI: I am. Several Indian tribes rose up to overthrow their Spanish overlords and drove them out of what is now called New Mexico.
ANTHWARA: Ten years later, the Spanish returned to reconquer the area. They were brutal. I would use the word savage. They killed hundreds of our people. Thousands more were maimed. The name of one of the soldiers was Javier Maribona-Picard. Your ancestor.
PICARD: I'm not aware of this incident or of the man you named, and this happened seven hundred years ago. I do not see what bearing it can have
ANTHWARA: That is why you have come to us, to erase a stain of blood worn by your family for twenty three generations.

This is complete nonsense. Whatever Picard's opinions on spirituality, he doesn't believe in blood curses. Furthermore, this is not the way to convince him to help. Picard already wants to help and he's made clear that he doesn't want to do this. Even if he choses to defy Starfleet orders, what is he going to do, keep the Enterprise in orbit forever to fight any Cardassians who try to claim the planet?

LAKANTA: The spirits of the Klingon, the Vulcan, the Ferengi come to us just as the bear and the coyote and the parrot. There's no difference.

This is a loaded issue. How will religious people react to the existence of alien life, sentient or not? Will they treat alien races as being of a lesser stage of glory than humanity?

PICARD: Anthwara, I want to make absolutely sure that you understand the implications of this agreement. By giving up your status as Federation citizens, any future request you or your people make to Starfleet will go unanswered. You will be on your own and under Cardassian jurisdiction.
ANTHWARA: I understand, Captain. And we are prepared to take that risk. Will the Cardassian government honour your agreement here?
GUL EVEK: I believe I can convince them that this is an equitable solution. I cannot speak for every Cardassian you may encounter, but if you leave us alone I suspect that we will do the same. Will this be acceptable to the Starfleet Command?

And this is my basis for why I hate how the writers handled the Maquis. They were formally introduced over on DS9 a month after this, but there must've been discussions about them long before this. This episode clearly says "they're not Federation citizens anymore, we won't defend them" but DS9 says "they are Federation citizens, we have to defend them". Talk about the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing.

Memory Alpha

* Beverly recalls details of Picard's conversation with the Traveler back in "Where No One Has Gone Before", but the Traveler specifically told him not to tell her. Oops.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Why would these Indians have records going back to the 1600s, and why would Troi know anything about early European/Indian relations?

[NAHTMMM]

The Fiver



Picard: So that would explain why Commander Riker is now so thick-skulled and stubborn that it took a sustained phaser blast to bring him down.
Data: Yes, sir. You could even say he has become completely intronsigent.

Typo alert! IntrAnsigent means refusing to change one's views.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intron

An intron is a DNA thing.

[Nate the Great]

I didn't notice the pun, but the problem is that neither intron nor intransigent is a common word, so you can't muck around with them very much for the sake of a joke.

[Nate the Great]

April 25th, 1994, "Firstborn"

I've said it before and I'll say it again, they never wrote Alexander properly. This episode is about two seasons too late if it was supposed to finally make Worf stop forcing Alexander into what he wants them to be (and yeah, it suddenly occurs to me that "Birthright" could've been a key turning point for Worf forcing his worldview on others).

The Episode

ALEXANDER: I'm sorry. We made fullerenes in chemistry class today and filled them with water.

Fullerenes are the broader family that Buckyballs belong to: soccer-ball spheres of carbon molecules. I get that they probably made foam balls using two kinds of foam (to represent the pentagonal and hexagonal rings) to act as a model of a fullerene, but he didn't say "models of fullerenes", he said "fullerenes", which isn't accurate.

WORF: I asked you to meet me here after school. I have been waiting for you.
ALEXANDER: I forgot.
WORF: You forgot because you allowed yourself to be distracted by foolishness.
ALEXANDER: I'm sorry.

And here we go. Worf is forgetting the forest to complain about trees. He should've moved straight into his speech rather than shame Alexander.

WORF: No. I meant warrior. The path of A warrior begins with the First Rite of Ascension.
ALEXANDER: Is that when they hit you with pain sticks?

One of the better scenes from Season Two.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7_6MbV_U74)
WORF: No. No, that is the Second Rite.
ALEXANDER: Oh.
WORF: You are approaching the Age of Ascension. It is time for you to prepare for the ceremony.

This is confusing. I thought the time to "prepare" was as soon as a child can hold a blade. Furthermore, he should've had this conversation with Alexander a long time ago.

ALEXANDER: What do I have to do?
WORF: Well, your fighting skills will be tested and your knowledge of the teachings of Kahless. It will be challenging, but I will help you prepare. These are the kor'tova candles. They represent the fire that burns within the heart of a warrior. When you light yours, you will be declaring your intention to become a warrior. Go ahead.
ALEXANDER: What if I don't want to?

This conversation should've happened before Worf even brought out the candles.

WORF: If you do not participate in the rite before the age of thirteen years, you will never be able to become a true Klingon warrior.

This is where the timeline completely implodes. Alexander is four years old. When he appears as an adult on DS9 he'll be eight. The biggest problem is that even if they tried to retcon the TNG era as two years per season it just raises more questions and we'd still be years away from Alexander being thirteen.

ALEXANDER: Well I don't care about that.
WORF: You may not care about it now, but someday you might.
ALEXANDER: Mother always said that I didn't have to do any of this Klingon stuff if I didn't want.

I always considered this to be a major misstep on K'Ehleyr's part. She told Worf specifically that Alexander should be allowed to find his own ways, yet she taught her son that he should be suspicious of his Klingon heritage. In other words, as Alexander grows up and goes in search of his own ways she didn't actually intend for him to do this Klingon stuff.

I seriously wish that she had lived. Probably not forever, but at least let her be a guest star until Redemption where the Duras sisters kill her. Let Gowron win the throne by having a simple one on one duel with Duras.

WORF: I have tried to tell him that it is an important part of a young Klingon's life, but he does not understand.
PICARD: But he's had so little opportunity to spend time with Klingons. You know, the festival of Kot'baval is tomorrow.

The festival celebrates the victory of Kahless over Molor. In the Mirror Universe it's the other way around, of course.

I'm extremely dubious that Picard has an encyclopedic knowledge of Klingon holidays OR can instantly convert between stardates and the Klingon calendar OR bothered to keep track of Klingon outposts in the area. This kind of stuff really makes the notion that Federation science can imprint knowledge into people's minds a bit more plausible (stupid Nomad brainwiping Uhura...).

WORF: Yes. But the outpost is on the other side of the Vodrey Nebula. It would take three days by shuttle to get there.
PICARD: The Enterprise could be there in a fraction of the time, and still be back in time for the rendezvous.

Three days? Is this particular nebula too dangerous for small craft and he'd have to go around the long way? They could've spared a line for that, I would've bought it.

SINGER: Nok'tar be'got, hosh'ar te'not?
CRUSHER: What's he saying?

SF Debris brought up the fact that she was wearing a communicator. Given evidence elsewhere the only possible explanation I can come up with is that Klingons choose to learn English (again "Federation Standard" doesn't exist after all) and forbid usage of translators. And again, they could've explained that.

An alternative is that the actors are speaking the Ancient Klingon used in the days of Kahless and this is too complicated to be translated.

ALEXANDER: The man over there says he's got Molor's head in a box. The real Molor.
WORF: That is impossible. The real Molor died centuries ago.
ALEXANDER: I know. It's mummified.

Fifteen hundred centuries ago, to be exact. As for mummification, I have serious doubts that Klingons would bother with that. Ancient Kronos had large deserts (Kahless was sort of like Genghis Khan) and I'd rather think that the head would be desiccated than mummified. Even so, it'd be locked in a crypt on Kronos rather than in the hands of this con artist.

WORF: He is gin'tak to the house of Mogh.
RIKER: Gin'tak?
WORF: An advisor so trusted that he is become part of a family.

Which makes you wonder where he was during the civil war. Presumably Alexander has usurped the identity of the real K'mtar.

[Nate the Great]

K'MTAR: We have other evidence that indicates the Duras sisters, Lursa and B'Etor, were behind the attack.
RIKER: What do you think they were after?
K'MTAR: Kurn's seat on the Council, of course.

I'm fairly certain that council seats can't be usurped via assassination. As Grilka says, houses settle disputes by having their forces meet in battle. Then again, do the Duras sisters OR Kurn have forces that COULD meet in battle? Do Council members earn enough to buy family estates, hire warriors, etc.?

RIKER: At one point they were at Deep Space Nine, trying to sell bilitrium explosives.
K'MTAR: That was months ago.

"Past Prologue" was about Stardate 46350, it's now about Stardate 47780. I'd call almost a year and a half more than just "months."

K'MTAR: Good. Because someday Alexander may be called upon to lead the house of Mogh. Kurn has no male heir. He wants to make sure that Alexander is preparing himself.

"House of Quark" stated that women leading Houses was unusual, but it wasn't impossible.

It occurs to me, wouldn't it have been interesting to have an episode where Alexander's cousins visit? They'd be able to tell him what "this Klingon stuff" should look like from a child's perspective.

Actually, the idea that the heir doesn't have to follow strict primogeniture is interesting, but I'll skip that screed.

K'MTAR: How are his fighting skills? Can he handle a bat'leth?
WORF: He is learning. He could be better.
K'MTAR: He must. He's nearing the age of ascension.

He is? They specifically said "thirteen" and Alexander is nowhere near that age. If there are two Klingon years to every Earth year, they could say so.

K'MTAR: Have you ever been to the Homeworld?
ALEXANDER: No.

Really? Wouldn't there be a Federation Embassy on Kronos for K'ehleyr to use? Did she choose not to use it?

K'MTAR: I understand. You're afraid. You don't know whether the Homeworld is safe.
ALEXANDER: Yes.

I always imagined Klingon estates to be walled complexes similar to those in ancient China. I'm sure children would be quite safe inside the walls. Even invading mercenaries would find it dishonorable to kill children before the final Rite of Ascension.

DATA: Starfleet records contain no mention of the Duras sisters after their departure from Deep Space Nine.

For a year and a half? I would like to think that people who start a civil war would be worthy of continual Klingon surveillance by themselves, and that's before you add the Romulan collaboration into the equation.

RIKER: On screen (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDLq51joXPw). Quark. I see you remember me.

They used a horrible take in this scene. Quark took a little too long reacting to seeing Riker on his screen.

QUARK [on viewscreen]: How could I forget the only man ever to win triple down dabo at one of my tables?

There's a fun DS9 novel where Quark hosts a poker tournament and invites Riker. Riker can't make it, so Doctor Bashir takes his place and unexpectedly wins (this is before the revelation of his Augment status, FYI).

RIKER: And how could I forget that you didn't have enough latinum to cover my winnings?
QUARK [on viewscreen]: I thought I explained that my brother had misplaced the key to the safe.

Talk about a stupid excuse. I don't see Ferengi ever using physical keys; they'd use multiple combinations along with biometric sensors.

RIKER: I'm looking for some Klingon friends of mine. The Duras sisters, Lursa and B'Etor?
QUARK [on viewscreen]: Yes, Lursa and B'Etor. Big talk, small tips.

Both say "Lorsa" instead of "Lursa", that always bugged me.

QUARK [on viewscreen]: They learned of a magnesite deposit on the Kalla system. It belongs to the Pakleds, but those fools don't even know it's there.

Is anyone else dubious that the Pakleds could ever hold a system other than the one with their homeworld?

K'MTAR: Could not he have been lying?
RIKER: Why would he? I'd just be knocking on his door again in a few days, and I wouldn't be in as good a mood.

A good point. It's not like Quark can hide, and there was a security officer in Sisko's office watching the whole thing who could testify against him.

ALEXANDER: Why did you want to recreate this?

"The producers said that we had to get our money's worth out of the set." Hehe.

[Nate the Great]

WORF: I would like him to learn our ways. No. This is his home.
K'MTAR: How can you expect him to lead our family when all he knows is life aboard a Federation starship?
WORF: He is my son. He belongs with me.

It occurs to me that Worf could take a leave of absence to accompany Alexander into Klingon space. If Alexander likes the academy on Ogat Worf could come back.

K'MTAR: Kahless was determined to teach his brother a lesson because he had told a lie. But Morath refused to fight him and instead ran away. Kahless pursued him across the valleys, over the mountains, and down to the edge of the sea. And there on the shore, they fought for
ALEXANDER: Twelve days, twelve nights. I know, I've heard this story before.

Once again I have to recommend the Kahless novel.

RIKER: You haven't heard my offer. Half a gram of Anjoran biomimetic gel.

Only mention of "Anjoran". Just using Andorian would be easier (and the color would be appropriate, hehe).

LURSA: Someone must have given it to the assassins to implicate us.
TROI: Why would someone do that?
B'ETOR: In order to tarnish our good name.
WORF: You cannot tarnish a rusted blade.

Burn!

WORF: I was not aware you had a son.
LURSA: I do not. But I am with child.

Given the events of Generations you have to wonder what happened to the kid. He appears in Star Trek Online, but I have to wonder if Toral adopted him. It would've made his appearance in DS9 more interested.

K'MTAR: Then she died. And then you howled in rage and said, look upon her. Look upon death and always to remember. And I always have.

No, Worf said, "You have never seen death. Then look. And always remember." I hate it when screenwriters refuse to look up prior scripts for proper language.

WORF: How have you done this, come to this time?
K'MTAR: I met a man in the Cambra system. He gave me a chance to change the past.

I do wish they would just invoke the Guardian of Forever in situations like this.

K'MTAR: You don't understand. I did not become a warrior. I was a diplomat, a peacemaker. When it came my time to lead our family, I thought that I could single handedly end the fighting between the great houses. I publicly announced that the house of Mogh would be the first to end the feuding. That there would be no more retribution, no more revenge. You tried to warn me. You tried to tell me that I should not show weakness, but I thought you were a foolish old man.

This seems like a prime opportunity to just record a video to show to Alexander when he grows up a la "Timeless".

Fiver

Worf: My son doesn't want to learn the Klingon ways. And he's requesting Earring Magic Ken.

I still remember the Earring Magic Ken controversy. Yeah, this joke doesn't really work. Worf is trying to imply that Alexander is a girl, not gay.

K'mtar: The attackers were sent from the Duras sisters. They dropped this knife.
Riker: I hope we find them spoon. If we don't, I'd never be able to forkgive myself.

Those puns were painful.

K'mtar: I meant his fighting skills. Maybe you should send him to a Klingon Academy.
Worf: I don't think a 21st century computer game is going to help.

A big problem with Klingon Academy is that a very small fraction of the game actually happens at the Academy. I wonder why they didn't just call it Klingon Civil War.

Worf: You tried to kill my son!
K'mtar: No. I am your son!
Worf: No! That's not true! That's impossible!
K'mtar: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Ha ha. I would've tossed in a punchline where K'mtar asks if he has to chop off Worf's hand for him to believe him.

Memory Alpha

* A comparison to "Yesteryear" is made, but I don't really see it. There's a difference between restoring history and deliberately meddling with it.
* They wanted to bring back K'Ehleyr as well, but they decided against it. I agree, it would've bumped this out to two episodes and require a lot more exposition.
* The creators were worried about reusing the actor who played Dr. Mora. In retrospect I realize that the voices were alike, but if I had been a casual viewer at the time who hadn't seen "The Alternate" lately I never would've noticed.
* There's a novel where Worf asks Alexander to take his place as the Federation Ambassador to the Klingon Empire, but I don't think it would've worked. Alexander wouldn't have had enough diplomatic experience yet.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil brings up the stardate problem with calling Alexander three years old when he met Worf.

[Nate the Great]

May 2nd, 1994, "Bloodlines"

No fiver

The Episode

DATA: It appears to be an unmanned probe approximately one half metre in diameter.

This seems rather small for a probe, and I wonder why they specified the size at all, it's rather irrelevant. Furthermore, why would anyone specify "unmanned probe", if anything is large enough for someone to be in it I wouldn't call it a "probe", it would be a "pod" at the very least.

DATA: The beam appears to contain holographic imaging information.
RIKER: It's trying to project something.
PICARD: Isolate the bandwidth. Let the signal through the shields.
(the image of a Ferengi appears)
PICARD: Bok!

I'm very dubious about a probe broadcasting a hologram that plays in real time. I know that the only reason is to remind us of what Bok looks like, but it just raises too many questions. Too bad the holocommunicator hasn't been invented yet.

BOK: I trust you remember me, Picard, because I haven't forgotten you or how you murdered my son. For fifteen years now I've thought about how to avenge his death...

The Battle of Maxia was 2355, the year is now 2370. I thought it had to be a longer time than that, mainly because I could've sworn that Picard took a long sabbatical between the Stargazer hearings and coming back to command the E-D, but I guess not. It was only eight years, and he had to have met Geordi and Tasha during this time.

RIKER: The Ferengi Government is debating an amendment to the Rules of Acquisition. It could be a while before we hear from them.

This seems odd. You'd think the Ferengi government would have enough bureaucracy that there'd be enough room for a dedicated Diplomatic Corps.

PICARD: Will, I do appreciate your not asking, but I do think that you have a right to know. There is a possibility that the boy is my son.

Nice character work.

RIKER: She never said anything to you about being pregnant?
PICARD: No, so either Bok is wrong and I'm not the father, or Miranda decided to raise the child alone.

Can we address the elephant in the room, namely how phenomenally unlikely it is that Bok would find a woman who A. Dated Picard and B. Got pregnant by someone else immediately after leaving Picard and C. The child's father was never in the picture and D. The child doesn't even know who his/her father is? The math just doesn't add up.

PICARD: Miranda was trained as a botanist. She always used to talk about running a farm one day.

Even as a child I found this dubious. Botanists might experiment with increasing the yield of farm crops, but they wouldn't want to actually operate a farm, it would take time away from their experiements.

JASON: Oh. Well, I wasn't, so maybe you should just beam me back where I was?

And Jason turns around and assumes the same position, trusting that he's achieved a 100% match and that the Enterprise crew would literally beam him back to a rock wall instead of the bottom of it. Even as a child I found this silly.

PICARD: Are you Jason Vigo?
JASON: I, er, I know him. Is he in trouble?

And any sympathy I might have for Jason is gone, just like that. I respect Harry Mudd more than this guy!

JASON: My mother never told me who my father was. Just that he was in Starfleet.

This seems odd. Putting aside the coincidence, why would Miranda withold this information? For that matter, does the Federation still allow mothers to not put a father on the birth certificate?

JASON: No, I just enjoy climbing.
PICARD: Without an antigrav harness?
JASON: No, they get in the way.

And that's strike two, this guy's an idiot. Even if you have a backpack that senses sudden acceleration and triggers an antigrav unit, I'd still want a spotter. Tech can always fail, and you can't have a failsafe on an antigrav unit.

PICARD: So, what do you do?
JASON: I'm between jobs right now.
PICARD: I see.

I could've sworn that Federation citizens could do whatever they want within reason. They are encouraged to have a job that would benefit society, but they aren't required to. Joseph Sisko runs a restaurant to keep busy and provide a service to the community, but he doesn't actually earn money.

Even if we suppose that Camor V is outside the Federation and still has a traditional economy, Jason would know that he has the option to ask the Federation for a ride back to Earth where he can go to school or whatever.

PICARD: Oh, theses are archaeological fragments that I've collected over the years. This is a Silvan glyph stone. And this, this is a Gorlan prayer stick. It's really quite rare.
JASON: Is it valuable?
PICARD: Not really. Only to students of archaeology such as myself.

Did Miranda not teach Jason that economics works differently in the Federation? Then again, I've always thought it odd that the Federation can operate a currency-free economy when it's surrounded by other governments that do use money. Officers on DS9 must have some sort of salary to buy things on the Promenade, etc.

JASON: On Camor, something has value if you can eat it or sell it. Everything else is luxury.

This seems rather narrow-minded, but I've preached enough about different economic systems for one day.

DATA: Bok took the precaution of encrypting the probe's navigational systems so that we would be unable to decipher its flight path.
LAFORGE: We ran an analysis of the probe's hull. From the energy signatures and particle deposits we found, it looks like it travelled through a dichromic nebula, was exposed to an intensive gravimetric distortion, and passed within one light year of a class four pulsar.
DATA: Those phenomena are relatively common. We would need to identify at least one of them specifically in order to postulate a flight path.

Or you could start in the system that the E-D encountered the probe in, then "look" in all directions for these phenomena. In addition, they could check how empty the fuel tank or battery or whatever is to postulate a range. Knowing the maximum distance it could come from and then looking for the phenomena.*

BIRTA [on viewscreen]: Bok is no DaiMon. He was relieved of command six years ago. He was unstable, dangerous. We had to confine him to Rog Prison.
PICARD: But he's no longer there?
BIRTA [on viewscreen]: He was able to buy himself out about two years ago.

How? I would imagine that it would be standard Ferengi procedure to confiscate all of a prisoner's assets.

CRUSHER: Keep in mind he's had twenty years to be angry that his father wasn't there.

Was he? Furthermore, he knows that Picard didn't even know it existed. I understand someone being angry at a father that deliberately walked away from them because he didn't want to be a father, but Jason knows that his father didn't even know that he was a father.

PICARD: Perhaps. But surely it would be wrong to force the issue. My sense is that he's a very independent young man. Perhaps it would be best if I left him alone. Let him come to me if he wants to.
CRUSHER: Maybe you're right. But I think you should consider this. Are you doing the best thing for Jason or what's easiest for you?

I get the moral, but once again the dilemma is treated like a binary choice with no in between. As Picard himself said, life itself in an exercise in exceptions.

[Nate the Great]

TROI: I was born on Betazed.
JASON: Do all the women there have eyes like yours?

Yes. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I never noticed that Sirtis or Barret wore special contact lenses for large Betazoid eyes. It doesn't seem worth it.

DATA: He has been charged three times with petty theft, twice for disorderly conduct, and several dozen times for trespassing.

This is a huge misstep in my opinion. Picard already has enough reasons to not associate with this guy, blatant criminal activity (beyond the trespassing, I suppose) should be the final straw. This should make up Picard's mind for him: get Bok off Jason's back then send him home. Nothing more.

JASON: Well, Sandra, do you think you could give me some room?
RHODES: We're supposed to be keeping an eye on you.
JASON: Can't you can keep an eye on me from over there?

This seems ridiculous. Surely they've invented a localized transporter inhibitor and shield by now. Bok would make sure to beam into a secure vantage point, he's not going to pop up in the middle of a corridor and let the guards shoot him.

DATA: Captain, I do not believe it was meant as an attack, but rather as a message.
PICARD: A message?
DATA: Yes, sir, in B'zal, a Ferengi code which uses an alternating pattern of light and darkness.

This is actually a clever idea.

BOK: You murdered my son.
PICARD: It was self-defence. He fired on my ship.
BOK: You were in Ferengi space!
PICARD: I didn't know that.

I'm still confused as to why the Ferengi didn't have established borders that its neighbors knew even before the Federation encountered them. Furthermore, if Ship A fires first on Ship B and starts a battle, Government A shouldn't be able to complain to Government B about it.

CRUSHER: You know, I don't think anyone is born knowing how to be a parent. You just sort of figure it out as you go. But the one quality that tends to be a requirement for parenthood is patience.

Actually, I've found that patience is required when dealing with any child, not just your own children.

PICARD: Well, I'm not sure that that is going to be enough. I've found out that Jason has a criminal record. It's nothing very serious, it's only petty theft and so forth, but I can't help feeling that if I had been part of his life then he wouldn't be so troubled now.

Of course he wouldn't be so troubled, he'd be in the Federation where there is plenty of food and lots of legal places to rock climb. But as the wizard Teraptus once said, "history is full of 'should-haves'."

PICARD: My understanding is that such devices were impractical.
DATA: The Federation abandoned its research in the field because the technology was found to be unreliable, as well as energy intensive.

I appreciate Data wants to clarify things, but in this case his reply added absolutely nothing useful to Picard's statement.

LAFORGE: In order to transport matter through subspace, you have to put it into a state of quantum flux. It's very unstable.
PICARD: What range would that kind of transporter have?
DATA: In theory it could operate over several light years.

Which raises the valid question of why other races, particularly the Klingons and Romulans, haven't pursued this technology. Furthermore the Borg should already have this abililty, right? And they could instantly repair any damage, so they'd have no reason not to use it.

PICARD: I'm concerned that he may try to take Jason. Is there any way we can protect him?
LAFORGE: You know, we might be able to keep a signal lock on him at all times.

Yeah, that doesn't seem plausible. Or practical for that matter. What does a subspace transporter care about a conventional transporter lock? It'd be like installing alternating Starfleet and Klingon shield emitters on a ship's hull and expected them to work flawlessly in concert to create a single shield bubble.

Surely you could give Jason a device to scatter any incoming signal, even subspace ones.

JASON: She heard about the all children on Camor who'd been orphaned from the Cardassian war.
PICARD: Oh. I see.

And the local government didn't ask the Federation for humanitarian aid?

JASON: You don't understand. I'm not anybody you'd want for a son. Trust me, if you knew anything about me, you wouldn't be trying so hard.

I get that they're trying to redeem his character, but it's rather too late for that. Furthermore it doesn't work because Data made it clear that he's not a former criminal, he's a current criminal.

And to talk about the ending for a bit, Jason chooses to return to Camor to sort out his life instead of letting Picard return him to the Federation. How exactly is he supposed to sort out his life without money? Selling one artifact is not going to fix his life. For that matter, who on Camor would have a use for the artifact anyway?

DATA: I am tracing the transporter beam Bok used to send the probe. The ship is holding position approximately three hundred billion kilometres from here.

Just say 32 light years, Data!

PICARD: Plot a course. Maximum warp.
RIKER: Even at warp nine we wouldn't get there for another twenty minutes.

There are plenty of online warp calculators. 20 minutes at Warp 9 is 0.06 light-years, not 32. 32 light years at Warp 9 is 7 days. It does make you wonder why they bothered creating an equation in the first place if they weren't going to use it.

PICARD: The modifications you made to the transporter. Is there any way we could use a subspace transport from here to get me onto Bok's ship?
DATA: It may be possible, sir, but it would not be advisable.

What, you created a subspace transporter? When was that established? I thought they were just trying to create a similar signal to interfere with Bok's.

Memory Alpha

* The NextGen Companion compares Picard and Jason's relationship to Kirk and David Marcus. I don't see it AT ALL.
* Only NextGen episode to mention the Rules of Acquisition.
* One of the creators complained that this was yet another seventh season meet-a-relative episode.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil seems to think that Miranda Vigo's DNA shouldn't be on file because she wasn't a Starfleet officer. I want to know where Phil got the idea that only Starfleet officers have their DNA on file instead of all Federation members.
* Phil did the math for himself and says that 300 billion kilometers at Warp 9 is 11 minutes. I don't care to redo my math.
* In addition to the unlikely sequence of events that made Jason a candidate that I mentioned earlier, Phil also points out that Bok would have to figure out how to make Jason's DNA resemble Picard's without altering his appearance.
* Phil complains that Data is able to find Jason underground and know his race, gender, and approximate age when the sensors couldn't find Picard and Crusher back in "Attached." My immediate counterargument is that the Kes and the Prytt would be adept at filling the atmosphere with jamming signals.
* In "Legacy" the transporter could only beam through 400 meters of granite, yet in this episode it could go 2 kilometers deep. My immediately rejoinder is that it's probably easier for a transporter signal to penetrate soil than granite.

[Nate the Great]

May 9th, 1994, "Emergence"

There are plenty of Treknobabble rants ahead, here's your warning. However, I do like the character work in this episode.

Fiver by Nic and Sa'ar (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=emergence)

The Episode

DATA: It appears to be a steam locomotive.
PICARD: A train?
DATA: If I am not mistaken.

Time to be pedantic. The locomotive is one part of a train, the other part being the cars. Data has chosen the wrong language because at minimum a steam locomotive must be accompanied by a tender car that has the fuel. Picard is correct.

DATA: The train we encountered was from one of Doctor Crusher's holodeck programs. It was a re-creation of the Orient Express, a train which travelled from Paris to Istanbul from the late nineteenth century until.
PICARD: Yes, yes, Data, I know about the Orient Express.

I was surprised to learn that the Orient Express ran until 2009, mainly because I kinda thought that "orient" was redefined as being offensive long before TNG ran.

Captain's log, stardate 47869.2. After weathering an unexpected magnascopic storm in the Mekorda Sector, we are continuing our search for new Federation colony sites.

So the randomized magnetic fields caused by the storm is supposed to be the trigger for randomized circuit connections to the point of creating sentience. I find this dubious, but at least they came up with an explanation. Furthermore, I'm having trouble with the idea that isolinear technology is vulnerable to electromagnetic fields to begin with, the TOS crew certainly ran into their share of interstellar phenomenon creating trouble with ship's systems (I especially refer you to "The Practical Joker"). But that was duotronic systems, not isolinear systems.

RIKER: I don't think there's any possibility of developing sites in this region. Most of the stars are main sequence binaries. There are no M-class planets.

Actually, it occurs to me that ships should be able to do the first step of an M-class search using long range sensors alone. It's already been determined that only a small fraction of the range of possible stars could EVER support life (at least M-class life as our heroes are doing). You wouldn't even have to go to most of the systems to look for planets, as the star would indicate whether or not there was any chance you'd find one.

DATA: The ship has moved into warp, sir.
RIKER: Who gave that command?
DATA: Apparently no one.

There's an interesting Strange New Worlds story (fan fiction compilations, not TV show) where the crew suddenly disappeared and the E-D computer determined that it had to lift itself up by its own bootstraps and become sentient to solve the problem. When it solved the problem and brought back the crew it knew that it couldn't be sentient anymore, so it hid its personality inside the Minuet program.

LAFORGE [OC]: If you want us to stop, I'll have to do an emergency core shutdown.
RIKER: That would leave us without warp power for more than a week.

First, the safety of the crew is paramount, the warp core is expendible. Second, it would also take less than a week for Starfleet to send a Starfleet Corps of Engineers ship with a new warp core to install. *

DATA: We are approximately thirty billion kilometres from our original position.

Earlier he said that the ship was moving at Warp 7.3. Putting aside the fact that Warp 1 is more than enough to elude any danger in normal space, 30,000,000,000 km at Warp 7.3 is a little over two minutes. Someone might have actually done the math on this one.

LAFORGE: We still don't know why the ship jumped into warp, but it looks like we're lucky it did. There was a theta flux distortion building up around the ship.
PICARD: Why didn't our sensors alert us?
LAFORGE: Our sensors were never designed to detect theta flux distortions. And yet there is a record of the distortion in the sensor log. That's the other mystery.

This is inexplicable. The sensors were never designed to look for this stuff, but somehow it did? Did the new intelligence in the computer happen to decide to modify the sensors to look for this thing just in time to find one? At least in the Strange New Worlds story is talked about earlier the problem happened too fast for the crew to have a chance to react. Only the superspeed thinking of the ship's computer could notice it.

DATA: Perhaps the engines were activated by a random power fluctuation.
LAFORGE: Which occurred just in time to save the ship?
DATA: It is improbable, but it is possible.

I'm disturbed by the notion that a random power fluctuation could trigger the warp engines. Doesn't the helmsman have to "prepare to go to warp", presumably by adjusting systems that have nothing to do with the warp engines (subspace sensors and comms, inertial dampeners, etc.)?

DATA: There is another possibility.
LAFORGE: Yeah, what's that.
DATA: The sensors apparently detected a dangerous anomaly that threatened the Enterprise. It is possible that they triggered a safety device which caused the ship to avoid destruction.

Both of them should know about any such safety device.

LAFORGE: Yeah, but there's no direct link between the warp engines and the sensors.

Yeah there is, it's called the ship's computer.

RIKER: Where did these nodes come from?
DATA: It is possible that the magnascopic storm we recently experienced had an unexpected effect on the ship's systems.

I think this Treknobabble explanation needed to be fleshed out a bit.

DATA: Agreed. All of the nodal connections intersect in holodeck three. It appears to be a focal point of some kind.
LAFORGE: We might be able to find a way to use the holodeck circuitry to disable the nodes permanently.

How? Since when are the holodeck circuits designed to interact with those in a random Jefferies Tube halfway across the ship?

RUSTIC: Now I'm going all the way to Vertiform City!

Vertiform is a fictional word, but I wonder why they didn't use "variform" instead, which is a real word that fits the scenario.

RIKER: All right, go ahead and depolarise the entire power grid.
DATA: The power grid is located beneath this deck, sir.

I hate the idea that the holodeck has controls that can only be accessed from inside an active program. Especially since "The Big Goodbye" had Westley accessing the program from a control panel outside. Between this, a forced shutdown vaporizes everything inside, and holodeck characters somehow existing outside the holodeck (if only for a few seconds) I guess that episode isn't canon anymore.

DATA: Geordi, does the configuration of connection nodes look familiar to you?
LAFORGE: Yeah. Yeah, it looks a little like the structure of your positronic brain.
DATA: That is correct. It would appear that the nodes are in the process of creating a rudimentary neural net.

This is completely ridiculous. There's no reason why all artificial intelligences would have similar structures. I'll bet you anything that the various TOS andrdoids were nothing alike on the inside.

Let me talk about another book. In "Immortal Coil" Bruce Maddox hit a brick wall trying to duplicate Data's positronic brain, and he knows about the evolution of Voyager's EMH, so he recruits Reg Barclay to combine the technologies to create an android with a "holotronic" brain. I recommend it highly.

DATA: I believe it is an emergent property.
PICARD: Explain.
DATA: Complex systems can sometimes behave in ways that are entirely unpredictable. The human brain, for example, might be described in terms of cellular functions and neurochemical interactions. But that description does not explain human consciousness, a capacity that far exceeds simple neural functions. Consciousness is an emergent property.

I could write a big screed on the implications of this paragraph regarding God versus evolution, but I'll skip it.

[Nate the Great]

DATA: The Enterprise contains a vast database of information which is managed by a sophisticated computer. This complex system gives the ship many of the characteristics of a biological organism.
RIKER: That's true. It sees with its sensors, it talks with its communications systems.
CRUSHER: In a sense, it almost reproduces with the replicators.

This is the first half of an argument, but they didn't actually tie it together into a logical conclusion.

PICARD: If the ship is truly an emerging intelligence, then we have a responsibility to treat it with the same respect as any other being.

While I don't dispute this, it seems like a huge leap. Even if the ship develops an intelligence, there's no sign yet that it will develop a singular consciousness, much less sentience.

(in the middle of the floor, a 3d version of the jigsaw is growing with a light inside it)

It seems odd that the ship decided to build this thing in a random cargo bay and use short-range transporter signals to do it. Why not just use the larger replicators that we've already seen on board?

LAFORGE: It looks like the ship's replicator and transporter systems have been merged somehow. to create this.

The replicator is a subset of the transporter. I repeat the last comment. This thing doesn't have to be in the cargo bay because it's going to phase out of the ship.

LAFORGE: Counsellor, we haven't been able to re-establish the safeties.
CRUSHER: The injuries you suffered on the holodeck weren't severe, but next time they might kill you.
TROI: I'm aware of that.

Putting aside the fact that this is a necessary mission, couldn't they at least put on some armor before returning to the holodeck? Or at least beam a period-accurate radio into the holodeck and communicate with the inhabitants through that?

PICARD: Vertion particles. Vertiform City. That's what the ship was looking for.

Why not just call it Vertion City?

LAFORGE: Captain, you'd better take a look at this. When the particle beam cut off, the object was beginning to form a coherent energy matrix. Now, if these readings are accurate, I'd say that the emission patterns were almost organic.

Ugh. Not all life forms are organic, etc.

LAFORGE: The ship has diverted all of our systems to maximum propulsion, including life support. We have less than two hours of reserve oxygen.

What? Putting aside the fact that once again the writers are thinking that life support is just providing oxygen, I expect that a ship this big would have a stockpile of oxygen on standby for manual distribution. Furthermore we know that the ship has designated shelter areas to focus life support power to a small fraction of the ship instead of the whole thing.

DATA: I can get us there more quickly. I know a shorter route.

How does Data know how the train's control correlate to the actual heading of the ship? Furthermore the whole thing has to figurative because a train can't alter it's heading, only control the speed.

PICARD: Then the purpose of the ship's intelligence was simply to bring this life form into being.
CRUSHER: There are some species whose sole purpose is to reproduce. Once they finally procreate, they die.

And not a single one of said species is sentient or even arguably intelligent. Trek has a terrible habit of shoehorning metaphors.

DATA: Captain, you took a substantial risk in allowing the Enterprise to complete its task.
PICARD: Why do you say that?
DATA: Because the end result was unknown. The object could have been dangerous. It may in fact, be dangerous.
PICARD: And I have allowed it to go off on its merry way.
DATA: Yes, sir.
PICARD: The intelligence that was formed on the Enterprise didn't just come out of the ship's systems. It came from us. From our mission records, personal logs, holodeck programs, our fantasies. Now, if our experiences with the Enterprise have been honourable, can't we trust that the sum of those experiences will be the same?

I already put this scene on the TNG heartwarming TV Tropes page.

The Fiver

Picard: Shall we try it once more from the beginning? Data, what are you doing with that kettle? I already had my Earl Grey.
Data: You need not make such a fuss over it, Captain. I am merely trying to perform The Tempest in a teapot.

That pun hurt.

Conductor: Let me see your tickets.
Data: Um....
Conductor: I find your lack of tickets disturbing.
Riker: Let me do the talking. I know how to handle these situations. (waving fingers) You don't need to see our tickets.
Worf: We're not with him.

Ha ha.

Troi: Could you please tell me what the last station this train visits is?
Conductor: This is the Orient Express.
Troi: Yes, but that's not my question. Tell me what the last station is.
Conductor: Don't you read History? This is the Orient Express! What do you think the last station is? Winnipeg? Moose Jaw?

Um, the Orient Express traveled in both directions between Europe and Istanbul, so where did this joke come from?

Mobster: You need an education... it's just another brick in the wall.

I was introduced to Pink Floyd's The Wall by an old classmate. It's a long story.

La Forge: I think this is what we're looking for... Detecting lots of vertion particles....
Picard: There's moose in that nebula!

I get the feeling that at the end of the day one of the few bits of Voyager that will endure in geek culture is the line "there's coffee in that nebula!"

Memory Alpha

* Rick Berman had a problem with the shot where the train wheels braked because nobody was around to see it. I think he gets uptight about the weirdest things sometimes. I'm especially reminded of the helium football episode of Mythbusters. Adam has football helmets for Jamie and himself to wear, Jamie doesn't seem the point. Adam remarks that sometimes Jamie seems to forget that they're shooting a TV show meant for entertainment.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil also mentions the armor (or rather bulletproof vest) thing.
* Data, Troi, and Worf enjoy champagne with the holodeck characters, yet when the program shuts down they're still holding glasses, and Phil has a problem with this. He seems to forget that the holodeck can replicate simple objects.

[NAHTMMM]

Riker: How can you say that? What if it's building an army of Evil Lemmings of Doom?
Troi: We'll push them off a cliff, then.
Sa'ar's influence.

[Zeke]

Troi: Outwit. Outspeak. Outlive.

Are there some missing first lines here.

Yep, and <a href="../nextgen/fiver.php?ep=lowerdecks">now they're back</a>. A lot of fivers are in this condition and I keep putting off the repairs because it'll take forever (in most cases I'll be relying on the Wayback Machine), but it was high time to fix at least one.

[NAHTMMM]

Do you have a list of the affected fivers? We could get a collab thread going in the 5MV Talk forum.

[Nate the Great]

Since Voyager starts tomorrow I'd better finish TNG today. I thought I only had to do All Good Things, but no, I have to do Preemptive Strike as well...


May 16th, 1994, "Preemptive Strike"


No fiver


Fair warning, I have plenty of nits, but these are really minor. As a standalone story divorced from DS9 and the prior episodes that set up the Maquis ("Journey's End" in particular), it's a fine story with fine acting.



The Episode


TROI: This is real Bajoran foraiga.
LAFORGE: It wasn't easy to find.



Oddly enough foraiga never appeared in DS9, just a few novels.


TROI: So, where are your new quarters?
RO: Deck four, section eight.



What does this have to do with anything? What's Troi gonna say, "that's too far for me to walk, I'll never visit"?


One problem with using transcripts instead of shooting scripts is that the nonverbal acting is overlooked. Ro seeing Picard walk out the door and being disappointed is an important element that one has to remember when considering the story.


PICARD: Change course to intercept. I'm on my way. I'd like you at the conn, Lieutenant.



Ro just completed Advanced Tactical Training and you want her at the conn? Couldn't she be posted at Tactical next to Worf?



DATA: I will scan their warp signatures. Sir, sensors indicate the attacking vessels are Federation ships.

....
RIKER: Those are Federation ships.
PICARD: Isolate one and magnify. The Maquis. Open a channel.



You know, it stands to reason that the Maquis wouldn't want all of their ships to look alike. A DS9 episode says that the Maquis use Peregrine class ships, too bad they didn't identify which style of Maquis ship, as we've see them use at least five different classes of ship.
(https://www.ex-astris-scientia.org/articles/peregrine.htm)

In the novel "Pathways" (secondary canon at best), Jeri Taylor called this kind of ship the Antares class. But I would take that with a HUGE grain of salt.


PICARD: You are Federation citizens. Your actions are in violation of our treaty with the Cardassians. Call off your attack.



And here we go. I've ranted about the premise of the Maquis enough already, but since this episode is a direct setup for Voyager I have to bring it up one more time. These colonists who chose to stay in Cardassian space and fight the Cardassians were supposed to have renounced their Federation citizenship per "Journey's End." At which point the Federation should've ignored them and they would've been wiped out by the Cardassians within a year. But that didn't happen for reasons that are beyond me.



RIKER: I never thought we'd be firing on our own people to protect a Cardassian ship.



They aren't your people anymore! Furthermore, you're supposed to be at peace with the Cardassians right now, remember? The Federation is supposed to be accommodating to all people, remember? Leave your bigotry in your quarters, it has no place on the bridge!


WORF: The Cardassian's shields are down to thirty percent.
RIKER: They may not be able to withstand another hit.


What? The entire point of the Maquis ships is that they're smaller and faster, not more powerful than the top of the line warships of the major powers. In no universe should their ships be able to deplete thirty percent of a Cardassian warship's shields in one hit, or even one minute of continual fire.


GUL EVEK: Lately Starfleet seems to look the other way when the Maquis attack.
PICARD: I can assure you that is not the case. We're doing everything in our power to control them.



Well that's a lie. I'll skip the screed this time, but the short version is that "everything in our power" would've been forcibly removing them back in "Journey's End" when they should've. There should be no civilians (not even Cardassian civilians!) in the DMZ right now!


GUL EVEK: They came at us with photon torpedoes and type eight phasers. Tell me, Captain, how do you suppose that a group of civilians acquired such weaponry?
PICARD: I can assure you it was not through official channels.
GUL EVEK: So you don't think the fact that some of the Maquis are former Starfleet officers has anything to do with it?


I'm having a hard time following Evek's line of reasoning. Having former Starfleet officers in positions of Maquis leadership would help with their strategic planning and running the ships efficiently, but I don't know too many Starfleet officers (not currently stationed on DS9 anyway) that have access to the illegal arms merchants.


PICARD: Starfleet does not condone the Maquis' actions in the Demilitarised Zone any more than your government would condone the paramilitary actions of Cardassian civilians.
GUL EVEK: We have taken measures to deal with our colonists who have armed themselves.
PICARD: Considering that they destroyed a Juhryan freighter less than a week ago, I would say that your efforts are meeting with limited success.



Only mention of Juhryans. As I've said before, we don't hear nearly enough about the Cardassian residents of the DMZ. Are there that many resource-rich planets in there that they're willing to mine them without Bajoran labor?


NECHAYEV: No Bularian canapés this time, Captain?
PICARD: I thought twice was pushing it a little.
NECHAYEV: It's just as well. They're extremely fattening.



I'm going to assume that these things are yet another luxury item that replicators can't make with healthier materials properly.

[Nate the Great]

RO: Starfleet wants me to infiltrate the Maquis?
PICARD: Because of your recent training, because you're Bajoran, and because of your past troubles with Starfleet gives you a certain credibility.
RO: Well, that's certainly true.



I'm having trouble with this premise. Had this happened back in Season Five I would've said okay, the Maquis (or proto-Maquis I suppose I should say) would've bought it. But Ro has been back in Starfleet for over two years at this point. Even the Maquis would know about it, in particular because I think that they'd keep tabs on all Bajoran members of Starfleet (there can't be that many at this point).


RO: I've heard a lot about the Maquis. One of my instructors at Tactical Training, a Lieutenant Commander in Starfleet, a man I admired and respected, he was sympathetic to them. He resigned and left to join them.



This is supposed to be a Chakotay reference, but I'm not sure how well it works. Had she said Lieutenant, it would've been an interesting Tuvok reference.



PICARD: We're all sympathetic, Lieutenant. Our civilian population in the Demilitarised Zone is in a very difficult situation, but even sympathy has to end at some point.



And you're sympathetic...why? You gave them the option to leave the DMZ back in "Journey's End", but they didn't take it. They chose to renounce their Federation citizenship and stay. It's no longer the Federation's problem and the Cardassians should've wiped them out by now.



WORF: We are looking for a Bajoran woman, dark hair.
DATA: She is responsible for the death of a Cardassian soldier.
WORF: If we learn that she has been here, this establishment will be closed down.



Does Starfleet have jurisdiction in this bar?


MACIAS: They don't understand the situation here in the Zone. I lived on Juhraya. When the treaty was signed the colony suddenly found itself in Cardassian territory. Some of us chose to stay, take our chances. Then one night I was dragged from my bed and beaten. The authorities clucked their tongues and agreed it was an unfortunate incident, and did nothing.



Suddenly? There was noting sudden about the Federation withdrawal! And you just said that you chose to stay and take your chances. This is what's called buyer's remorse, and it's not the store's fault, it's yours!


KALITA: One that I think we should take seriously. A trader coming from Pendi Two said he could verify that the Cardassians are going to start supplying their colonists with biogenic weapons.
RO: I thought every shipment coming into the Zone was searched.
KALITA: The Cardassians always seem to find a way around problems like that.



What? The Cardassians let Starfleet search every ship going into the DMZ from their space? If you're implying that Starfleet trusts the Cardassian military to search Cardassian civilian ships entering the DMZ, then I have another screed to bore you with.


RO: I have no intention of asking for them. I intend to take them.
KALITA: How? The Enterprise is a fortress.
RO: I know its security systems work. Give me a ship. I can do it.



This is extremely dubious. Presuming that Ro actually left Starfleet two years ago, Worf would've had plenty of time to upgrade the security systems.



RO: I set the transporter confinement parameters to maximum. We should be able to fill our hold with medical supplies with just one single beam out.



This bit of Treknobabble is particularly silly. Sure, you can tell the scanners to look for medical supplies and automatically forward the coordinates to the transporters, but there are bandwith restrictions to the actual transporter process. I'll assume that these raiders only have one transporter room and maybe one cargo transporter, there's a limit to how much you can transport in thirty seconds.


RO: We're going to cross the border here.
KALITA: There are sensor buoys all along the border. If we cross anywhere other than a checkpoint, Starfleet will send a ship to investigate.
RO: With the right security codes, we can disable the proximity detectors on the buoys.



Let's put aside the logic behind these buoys and how close Starfleet monitors the border, it's irrelevant when you consider the time restrictions. Ro can exit the DMZ, steal the supplies, and be back before the violation can be investigated.



The bigger problem is how Ro is supposed to know the security codes for the buoys when she's been "out" of Starfleet for years, and even when she was she would've have had access to the buoy codes.


KALITA: How are we going to beam through their shields?
RO: We can't. If we're going to get those medical supplies, we're going to have to take this ship through their shields.



This strategy should've been used more often.

[Nate the Great]

RO: It took me a while, but I managed to patch through into Starfleet's comm. system. I intercepted a communication from one of the checkpoints on the border. They're concerned because a Pakled transport came through carrying retro-viral vaccines.
SANTOS: Why is that a concern?
RO: Well, last week a Ferengi transport came through carrying biomimetic gels. By themselves, neither of these is dangerous, but Starfleet is concerned because with along with other components the Cardassians could put together a biogenic device.



Who trusts the Pakleds to carry vaccines? And at this point I have to wonder if only the Federation has the capacity to make biomimetic gel.


RO: My father played the klavion. When I was very young and afraid of monsters under my bed, he'd play for me. He said that the klavion had special powers. Monsters were afraid of it and when they heard it they would disappear. When I listened to that music he played for me I was never afraid to go to sleep. When he died I realised even he couldn't make all the monsters go away.



Great scene.


RO: Why don't we get acquainted? There's a table in the back that's more private.
PICARD: I'd like that.
(they sit and pretend to be getting close)



This is a wonderful premise. They're pretending to be getting closer when in fact they're drifting apart.



PICARD: Are you saying you want to back out of this mission?
RO: Sir, I don't want to let you down, I swear that I don't.
PICARD: This has nothing to do with me. This is about you. If you back out now, you'll throw away everything you've worked for. We're committed to this mission. My only question for you is, can you carry out your orders? I could put you before a board of inquiry for having lied to me about this operation. I would certainly have you court-martialled if you sabotage it.



This is a big problem. Yes, if Ro backed out now she'd lose some of Picard's respect. But if she doesn't, she could lose ALL of Picard's respect. This is definitely the time for making the choice with the "least bad" outcome. And while Picard may feel that he has to explain the possible outcome, this is not the time. She already feels terrible just by anticipating betraying him, you don't need to burden her any more.


RIKER: She seemed very sure that she was making the right choice. I think her only real regret was that she let you down. Here's my report.
(Picard doesn't move to take the PADD, so Riker puts it on the desk and leaves)



One can only imagine Picard's thoughts right now.


Memory Alpha



* Ro's reference can't be Chakotay because he left Starfleet in 2368, two years ago. Then again, that was established in "In the Flesh", WAY after this episode. Chalk this one up to the writers not keeping proper notes for their successors.
* Ro says that biomememtic gel is legal and nobody finds it unusual that it's being shipped around, but by the time of "In the Pale Moonlight" Sisko clearly says that gel is strictly controlled and not for sale. Maybe the regulations changed.
* Only time Ro's first name "Laren" is used onscreen.
* Last appearance the real Nechayev. A Dominion-created simulation will appear in "The Search", but that's it.


Memory Beta


* Ro's career after this episode (before her cameo in Picard, of course) was a bit sparse, only appearing in a few novels. My biggest memory is her appearance in "Rogue Saucer".

[Nate the Great]

May 23rd, 1994, "All Good Things"

Ah yes, the day that I taped two VHS tapes. One for the Viewer's Choice Marathon, one for the finale. I used to watch this episode a lot, until I got VERY sick of it. The microsecond Picard realized that events in each time period don't affect the others, he should've told the past crew what's going on. And when Beverly told him that there's proof that he's gathered more memories than is possible without considering time travel, he should've done it in the other two time periods.

Fiver by Zeke (http://fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=allgoodthings)

The Episode

WORF: I am glad you approve. I have always found the Black Sea at night to be a most stimulating experience.
TROI: Worf, we were walking barefoot on the beach with balalaika music in the air, ocean breeze washing over us, stars in the sky, a full moon rising, and the most you can say is stimulating?
WORF: It was very stimulating.

Here is where you'd hear the canned laughter and the trombonist doing a "wah-wah" noise.

WORF: Deanna, perhaps before there is a next time, we should discuss Commander Riker.
TROI: Why, is he coming along?
WORF: No, but I do not wish. I mean, it would be unfortunate if he. If you and I are going to continue, I do not wish to hurt his feelings.

It is far FAR too late to be having this conversation. Troi should've talked with Will after the events of "Eye of the Beholder".

PICARD: (in dressing gown) Counsellor! What's today's date? The date!
WORF: Stardate 47988.

About 3 PM on December 27th, 2370.

PICARD: I had this feeling I had physically left the Enterprise. I was in another time, another place. I was somewhere in the past.
TROI: Can you describe where you were, what it looked like?
PICARD: You see, it's all slipping away so fast. It's like waking up from a nightmare.

Given the events of prior episodes, in particular "Cause and Effect", you'd think the crew would be trained to write this stuff down ASAP.

TROI: It's all right. Have you considered the possibility that this was just a dream?
PICARD: No, no, it was much more than a dream. The smells, the sounds, the very touch of things, much more real than a dream.

There's a long screed to be had here, but I'll move on.

LAFORGE: Hello, Captain or should I call you Ambassador?
PICARD: Oh, I haven't been called that for some time either.

I find the idea that Picard would resign from Starfleet to be an Ambassador rather dubious. The captain of the flagship is already expected to be an ambassador at times. Frankly the only career in the Federation that I could imagine Picard having after leaving shipboard duty is Academy Commandant.

A later comic book specifies that Picard was the Federation Ambassador to Vulcan.

PICARD: Good Lord, Geordi. Well, how long has it been?
LAFORGE: Nine years.
PICARD: No, no, no. Since you last called me Captain, since we were all together on the Enterprise?
LAFORGE: Close to twenty five years.
PICARD: Twenty five years.

A lot of people assume that this means 25 years after Season 7, including the Star Trek Chronology, when this is absolutely not indicated. It could be 25 years after the events of Nemesis for all we know.

LAFORGE: You've got leaf miners. You might want to use a bacillus spray. My wife is quite a gardener. I've picked up a little bit of it.
PICARD: How is Leah?
LAFORGE: Just wonderful.

I can't really imagine Leah as a gardener.

TASHA: Will this be your first time on a Galaxy class starship?

How would he have even had the chance to visit a Galaxy class before now, they're brand new! I guess. The actual building period differs by source, it could've been a few decades, but this is dubious as we know that the warp core was installed shortly before the launch as opposed to early in construction.

Of the original twelve Galaxy class ships only six were launched in the first wave, the other six were kept partially built until after the Battle of Wolf 359. Many more were built for the Dominion War.

TROI: Is there any indication of temporal displacement?
CRUSHER: No. Usually a temporal shift would leave some kind of triptamine residue in the cerebral cortex, but the scan didn't show any.

I find this rather stupid. We've seen many MANY different methods of time travel and consciousness relocation, both from technology and godlike aliens, and I doubt that they all have the same side effects.

CRUSHER: Your blood gas analysis is consistent with someone who's been breathing the ship's air for weeks. If you'd been somewhere else, there would be an indication of change in the oxygen isotope ratios.

This one is more reasonable, but there's no guarantee that his body time travelled along with his mind. Furthermore, I'm pretty sure that Q could prevent such changes in the isotope ratios if he wanted to.

CRUSHER: Jean-Luc, I scanned for evidence of Irumodic Syndrome, as you suggested. There wasn't any. But I did find a small structural defect in the parietal lobe.
PICARD: A defect that you hadn't noticed before?
CRUSHER: It's the kind of defect that would only show up on a level four neurographic scan.

And he didn't have such a scan after his Borg implants were refused? For that matter, wouldn't the Borg want to fix such a defect?

NAKAMURA [on monitor]: Our operatives on Romulus have indicated that there appears to be something happening in the Neutral Zone, specifically in the Devron System. Our own long range scans have picked up some kind of spatial anomaly in the area.

The Romulans found the anomaly before Starfleet did? Is it closer to the Romulan side?

JESSEL: (cod English housekeeper) How do you like your tea?
PICARD: Tea? Earl Grey. Hot.
JESSEL: Course it's hot. What do you want in it?
PICARD: Nothing.

Always a funny exchange, although knowing how seriously the British take their tea I wonder what the difference is between the British and French ideas of "hot tea".

JESSEL: If you're really his friend, you'll get him to take that grey out of his hair. Looks like a bloody skunk.
DATA: Jessel. She can be frightfully trying at times, but she does make me laugh.

Look, I'll buy that Data is still toying with his appearance decades in the future, but he always listened to the advice of his friends. This behavior seems weird.

(Troi is back in her mini-uniform but not the bun.)

Which is odd, since the creative staff did whatever they could to duplicate the first season without spending a fortune rebuilding the set (the Ops and Conn stations were a lot closer together in "Encounter at Farpoint", as just one example), but makeup should be easy enough to duplicate.

One thing that I kinda wish they'd done for the past scenes as an Easter Egg was bringing back that ugly skant uniform.

Personal log, stardate 41153.7. Recorded under security lockout Omega three two seven. I have decided not to inform this crew of my experiences. If it's true that I've travelled to the past, I cannot risk giving them foreknowledge of what's to come.

This is weird, because he already changed history. The cat is out of the bag.

PICARD: Mister Worf, initiate a level two security alert on all decks until further notice.
TASHA: With all due respect, sir, I'm the Security Chief on this ship. Unless you're planning to make a change.
PICARD: No, of course not. Lieutenant, security alert two.

Akward.

O'BRIEN: Sir, Starfleet has just issued an alert. It appears a number of vessels are moving toward the Neutral Zone between Romulan and Federation space.

I'm glad that they were able to bring back O'Brien for the past scenes, but it does introduce some questions in the minds of the DS9 viewers.

WORF: Captain, it could be a Romulan trick to lure our ships into the Neutral Zone as an excuse for a military strike.

One thing that they forgot to bring up is that at this point in time the Romulans were still in their isolationist period.

O'BRIEN: You have to realise sir, this isn't exactly my area of expertise. The Chief Engineer should be making these modifications.
PICARD: But the Chief Engineer isn't on board.

NONE of the Chief Engineers are on board, all of them are at Farpoint? Given that the ship just launched and the warp core is brand new, there should be a temp from Utopia Planitia keeping an eye on things until a proper chief engineer takes over.

DATA: Ah. Then to burn the midnight oil implies late work?
O'BRIEN: That's right.
DATA: I am curious. What is the etymology of that idiom? How did it come to be used in contemporary language?
O'BRIEN: I don't know, sir.

Ugh. Data may not have colloquialisms in his immediate use vocabulary, but Picard made it clear that he's a walking dictionary. At worse it should take him a few seconds with a cocked head to pull up any definition.

And incidentally, the idiom goes at least as far back as the mid seventeenth century, I thought it only went back to the nineteenth century rail industry.

[Nate the Great]

PICARD: Counsellor, do you remember when I first came on board the Enterprise?
TROI: Yes.
PICARD: What happened after the welcoming ceremony?
TROI: There was a reception in Ten Forward. I introduced you to Worf and the other senior officers.
PICARD: Do you have any memory of my calling Red Alert in Spacedock? Do you remember Starfleet diverting us from Farpoint to the Neutral Zone to investigate a spatial anomaly?
TROI: No.
DATA: It would appear there is a discontinuity between the time periods you described. Events in one time period would seem to have no effect on the other two.

Mike drop. Stop acting like you can mess up history, Picard!

CRUSHER: But you've been to the future. You know it's going to happen.
PICARD: I prefer to look on the future as something which is not written in stone. A lot of things can happen in twenty five years.

But you just establised that the past and present timelines aren't the same, can't you also assume that the present and future timelines aren't the same as well? For that matter, now that you know Picard has a brain defect, can't you fix it at this point to stop the Iromodic Syndrome before it even starts?

LAFORGE: Data's arranged for us to run those tests on you in the biometrics lab. We're ready to go if you are.
PICARD: No, no, no. No, we have to get to the Neutral Zone.

We're given the impression that future Picard has problems with deeper thoughts right now because of the Iromodic Syndrome, but you'd think by now he'd learn to keep his trap shut and take notes immediately to sound more coherent.

LAFORGE: All right. Okay. But first, there is no Neutral Zone, remember?
PICARD: Right. Right. Klingons. In this time period, the Klingons have taken over the Romulan Empire.
LAFORGE: Right now relations between us and the Klingons aren't too cosy.

It's an interesting idea: what caused the breakdown of Federation/Klingon relations? Put aside all that Dominion stuff that is still in it's infancy over on DS9 and that the TNG writers probably aren't paying attention to. All I can conclude is that the Duras faction might've succeeded in starting another civil war, winning this time.

LAFORGE: Captain, I'm sorry. I guess all we can do now is wait and see if the Yorktown finds anything.
DATA: There is another option. We could arrange passage aboard a medical ship.

This raises more questions about Data's present state of mind. He has emotions now and feels loyalty to Picard, but he wouldn't volunteer a dangerous idea like this.

PICARD: Is there anything unusual in the vicinity, Mister Data?
DATA: How would you define unusual, sir? Every region of space has its own unique properties that cannot be found anywhere else.

How I don't miss early Data's literalism.

PICARD: Q! We're here! This has gone on long enough! Counsellor, do you sense an alien presence?
TROI: No, sir.

Troi didn't sense Q at first, and with further exposure the farthest she got was that he's a lifeform that's very different from typical humanoids. And even so, I don't think she can read anyone outside the ship unless she can focus on a viewscreen image.

PICARD: Did you create the anomaly?
Q: No, no, no. You're going to be so surprised when you realise where it came from, if you ever figure it out.

Actually, given that Picard was only able to create the anomaly because he was timeshifting due to Q, I would argue that the answer to the question is yes, if it has to be one or the other.

Q: You obtuse piece of flotsam. You are to be denied existence. Humanity's fate has been sealed. You will be destroyed.

A big problem with this whole premise is a simple question: why do the Q care about humanity but not the other spacefaring species? Do they not see the same potential in the Klingons and Romulans that they saw in humanity back in "Hide and Q"?

PICARD: So what am I going to do? Lock myself in a room in all three different time periods?
RIKER: Captain, maybe not acting is what causes the destruction of mankind. What if you were needed on the Bridge at a key moment, and you weren't there?

We already covered this argument back in "Cause and Effect." It's rather tiring to cover it again.

WORF: The Federation Starships Concord and Bozeman are holding position on our side.

Has Bateson and crew really recovered this fast?

PICARD: I know that I'm an old man and I'm out of touch, but the Worf that I remember was more concerned with things like honour and loyalty than rules and regulations. But that was a long time ago. Maybe you're not the Worf once I knew.
WORF [on viewscreen]: Dor sHo GHA! You have always used your knowledge of Klingon honour and tradition to get what you want from me.
PICARD: Because it always works, Worf. Your problem is that you really do have a sense of honour and you really do care about trust and loyalty. Don't blame me for knowing you so well.
WORF [on viewscreen]: Very well. You may cross the border. But only if I come with you. I am familiar with the Neutral Zone.
PICARD: Terms accepted.

At first I liked this scene, but not anymore. Picard is blatantly manipulating Worf and is acting dishonorably.

PICARD: Tea, Earl Grey, hot.
COMPUTER: That beverage has not been programmed into the replication system.

This is complete nonsense. Earl Grey tea is hardly obscure. And even if it isn't part of the standard menu, it would be part of Picard's replicator profile that follows him from ship to ship. Duh.

PICARD: Beverly, I cannot believe that you are not willing to stay here until we
CRUSHER: Don't you ever question my orders on the Bridge of my ship again!
PICARD: Damn it, I was just trying to. Look, there are larger concerns here. What you don't understand is that
CRUSHER: I understand that you would never have tolerated that kind of behaviour back on the Enterprise and I won't here. I don't care if you're my ex-Captain or my ex-husband.
PICARD: You're right. I was out of line. It won't happen again.

A good scene, even if it seems derivative of the Data/Worf scene in "Gambit".

PICARD: My time shifting. The answer does lie there, doesn't it. Now, tell me one thing. This anomaly we're looking for, will that destroy humanity?
Q: You're forgetting, Jean-Luc. You destroy humanity.

Once again Q is being overly literal. Q is causing Picard to cause the anomaly which will destroy humanity.

CRUSHER: This is amazing. The DNA in his optic nerves is regenerating. Geordi, it's as if you're growing new eyes.
PICARD: How is this possible?
CRUSHER: It shouldn't be possible at all. There's no medical explanation for spontaneous regeneration of an organ.
OGAWA: Doctor we've just gotten reports from two crewmembers who say they have old scars which are healing themselves.

This whole thing is just stupid. First, the problem with Geordi's eyes is not his DNA. Second, why are there crewmen on board (besides Worf, I guess) that didn't heal their scars before now?

[Nate the Great]

CRUSHER:Worf, signal our surrender.
WORF: Tos Vah'cha Worf, do'lo jegh!

Star Trek Minutae declares the translation to be "This is Governor Worf, we surrender!"

CRUSHER: Alyssa lost the baby. I think it's the same phenomenon that affected Geordi. Somehow, the temporal energy from the anomaly caused the foetal tissue to revert to an earlier stage of development. It's as if the unborn child began to grow younger, until finally the DNA itself began to break down.

This is way too dark. I don't know why it's here.

CRUSHER: Will, how long is this thing between you and Worf going to go on?
RIKER: It's been going on for over twenty years. Doesn't look like it's going to end any time soon.
DATA: I suspect the last thing Counsellor Troi would have wanted is for the two of you to be alienated.
CRUSHER: I agree. I think it's time to put it behind you.

As I've said before, I hate the Worf/Troi romance. So I don't care about this scene. It's embarassing that the Joey/Rachel romance over on Friends was done better than the Worf/Troi was.

RIKER: Did I? I didn't want to admit that it was over. I always thought that we'd get together again. And then she was gone.

Given the events of Insurrection and Nemesis, you have to ask what was stopping Riker from asking Deanna out much MUCH earlier. If we're going to act like Riker unilaterally decided not to be with Deanna and keep her in the backup zone for years and years, then Riker is an unredeemable jerk. Either he pursues her again when they reunite on the E-D or they mutually decide not to date each other while both of them are Starfleet officers.

PICARD: Ensign. How do I get to Ten Forward?
ENSIGN: It's four decks down, sir. Section zero zero five.
PICARD: Thank you.

What's the point of this scene? It's already been established that you can ask the computer to direct you anywhere on the ship using the wall panels.

DATA: Sensors are picking up a small temporal anomaly off the port bow.

This is a HUGE plot hole. The anomaly wasn't there, but now it is, and it gets larger as it goes back in time. Ugh.

DATA: It would require taking the ship into the anomaly itself. Once inside, we may be able to use the engines to create a static warp shell.
LAFORGE: Yeah, Data, that's right. And the shell would act as an artificial subspace barrier separating time and anti-time.

As Treknobabble goes, this is more reasonable than most. The part that bugs me is the use of "shell" instead of "field."

PICARD: I understand your concerns, Lieutenant, and I know if I were in your position I would be doing the same thing. Looking for answers. But you're not going to find any because I don't have any to give you.

Ugh. You do have answers to give, you are choosing not to for reasons that have already been proven to be irrelevant.

Q: Is that all this meant to you? Just another spatial anomaly? Just another day at the office?

A great line, I remember it from the TNG screen saver.

Q: The anomaly. My crew. My ship. I suppose you're worried about your fish, too.

Another great line.

The Fiver

Picard: Beverly, you have to believe me. I remember travelling in time.
Crusher: I want to believe, Mulder, but until we have proof....

Yikes did that joke not age well. X-Files hasn't had the staying power that some of its contemporaries didn't. And yet Phil Farrand made a Nitpicker's Guide for it.

Picard: Obviously. Mr. Worf, I need you to prepare your security teams for --
Yar: Hello? I'm security chief.
Picard: Ah yes. My apologies; I've not yet mastered the difference between my manly girl and my girly man.
Past Worf: That is entirely understandaHEYYY!

Burn!

Future Riker: (over the comm) No way am I lending you a ship. That area is Klingon territory now.
Picard: So?
Future Riker: So you might run into Worf.
Picard: So?
Future Riker: Worf's a wad.

Wad? Zeke, you remind me of when LittleKuriboh slips up and uses his native accent in YGOTAS.

Future La Forge: All right, so Riker won't help us. What's the backup plan?
Future Data: Hiding inside torpedoes that are being fired into that sector.

Fie on you for reminding me of Sito Jaxa, Z.

Picard: Can I at least ask you some questions?
Q: But of course. You're familiar with the Captain Pike two-light system, I'm sure.
Picard: THERE ARE F--
Q: Don't even think about it.

Hehe.

Future Worf: No, I won't.
Picard: Will you do it for a Kahless Snack?
Future Worf: Yes, I will.

I'm always amazed that new Scooby Doo shows and movies are still being made, even if they've been of very uneven quality lately.

Picard: Mr. O'Brien, plot a course for the Neutral Zone.
O'Brien: But won't the Romulan detection grid spot us?

Why would the Romulans need a detection grid, and especially now, during their isolation period?

Puddle of Goo: Hi! I'm the birthplace of life on Earth.
Anomaly: Like hell you are!
Puddle of Goo: GAK!
Picard: This is disturbing for more reasons than I can list....

Ha ha.

Q: The trial never ends. It's like the O. J. trial. But I'm confident that if you keep up the good work, you'll get off easy. And who knows? Maybe I'll show up now and then to do the "you must acquit" chant.

Well, that one didn't age well.

Memory Alpha

* Having a fourth timeline from "The Best of Both Worlds" was considered. I don't think it would've worked in a two-part episode.
* Not only is the warp speed limit no longer in effect in the future timeline, but the entire scale was modified to allow for warp factors beyond ten again.

Nitpicker's Guide

* There aren't any skunks in England, it would be more appropriate for Data's housekeeper to compare his hair to a badger.
* What happened to the Romulans? Wasn't Tomalak going to go to the Devron system?
* The future Klingon ships can fire while cloaked, so why did they bother uncloaking?
* Phil has a problem with past Troi mentioning Ten Forward when it never appeared in Season One. I can't believe that Phil is that dense, this one seems a bit too OCD.

Nitpicker's Guide for "Preemptive Strike" (I forgot to do this earlier)

* Phil also brings up the contradictions with "Journey's End".