Sci-fi story help - need a little insight on a story i wrote

[Gatac]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]I'd cut short the last bit to just "Tom..." - people don't speechify when they're crying. (None I know, atleast.) It reads as if you had a damsel in distress chained to the railroad shouting "Oh no! There's a train about to roll over me!" The important thing to remember about emotional scenes is to not overdo them - that looks sappy, and makes the scene cheap. Sublety is your friend. (Though, admittedly, far easier to do on screen - it's hard to describe nuances like facial expressions without specifically pointing them out.)

The stuff I posted as examples was, by the way, made up on the spurt of the moment. If you want to read something I wrote for real, I can give you a link.

Gatac[/colorost_uid0]