BAW meets SSB!

[PointyHairedJedi]

And now, the exciting part two!



S.O.: Fascinating. Normally MU counterparts are almost polar opposites, but in this case it seems they are disturbingly similar.
Number One: So now there are two of them. "Oh crap" would be a phrase that comes to mind.
PHJ: Nonsense! It'll be fun. Sure, a few of you might die along the way, but I want you to know that you're all completely expendable.
Helm: All in favour of a mutiny...
All: Aye!
Helm: Anyone against?
*Silence*
Number One: Um, sir, you're aware that you just voted to mutiny against yourself?
PHJ: Given that there's two of me that makes perfect sense, don't you think? And now we're all agreed to fight against me, I say we get on with it. TO!
T.O.: How is it we can never win? Um, anyway, they weren't doing anything up until a moment ago. Sir.
PHJ: Probably having a jolly little chat about mutineering, I shouldn't wonder. Helm, evasive maneuvers, TO, charge phasers and target... you know, stuff. Bits that look important.
T.O.: They're on the move - incoming photons, sir!
*Explosions and shaking and stuff*
PHJ: They're using torches? The bastards!

*The WWYPTT and the SSWIPTT sweep past each other firing gamely away, causing many consoles to explode and redshirts to die, as well as some other bad stuff I suppose*

Ensign Michael Redshirt, Jr: GAK!
PHJ: Alas, poor Michael, I hardly knew ye. Or liked ye, for that matter. Damage report, someone!
T.O.: Shields holding steady at eighty percent, some minor damage to tea storage on deck ten.
PHJ: ...How minor?
T.O.: Some of the Assam was singed by an exploding power relay, apparently.
PHJ: GO TO RAMMING SPEED!
Number One: Let's not be hasty, sir.
PHJ: AND WHY NOT?
Number One: Uh... the other you might have some tea you can steal? If you beat him, that is.
T.O.: Coming back for another pass now, sir!
PHJ: Fire! Fire everything!

*Another dramatic exchange of weapons fire occurs; on the WWYPTT, several things on the bridge blow up with really quite impressive showers of sparks, almost as though they were designed to do so by some bored engineer with a perverse sense of humour, probably the same one that thought it would be a smashing idea to have plasma conduits running through crew consoles, though I bet he's a real hoot on April Fools Day... ahem, where were we?*

PHJ: Report!
T.O.: Smeg!
S.O.: I second that smeg, sir!
Chief: I third it!
PHJ: Helm, go to high warp, and head for the nearest starbase - one of those ones that's a proper starbase, mind, not a namby pamby planetary based one. And would someone be a darling and signal for some well armed reinforcements?

*The WWYPTT wheezes into warp, followed closely behind by the eyepatch and goatee wearing ship from the MU*

Helm: Warp nine point insert a tenth and then a hundredth of a number here, sir. The SSWIPTT is following us at a slightly higher speed than the one I just said - I imagine they'll catch up at some point.
PHJ: Some point when?
Helm: Add up all the minutes between now and when their first torpedo hits us, and it will have been exactly that long.
*Once again, PHJ reaches for his trusty phaser rifle, only to find that no good busybody Number One has put it away somewhere*
PHJ: *Sulk*
T.O.: The nearest friendly ship, in case anyone is interested, is the USS Ottawa.
PHJ: Rear Admiral Zeke! Yes! We'll pay him a visit.
Number One: Shouldn't we give him some prior warning, sir? You know that he can be a little... cantankerous, sometimes, and there are two of you.
PHJ: Nonsense. I'm sure he'll be just thrilled to see us. Helm, increase speed to warp plaid! Someone call me if I look like I'm going to overtake - I'm going to go and play with my dolls.

[mudshark]

Originally Posted by PointyHairedJedi

*The WWYPTT wheezes into warp, followed closely behind by the eyepatch and goatee wearing ship from the MU*

I'd like to see the ship wearing an eyepatch and goatee. That would be pretty cool.


Sinister! I meant sinister.

[Chancellor Valium]

Originally Posted by PointyHairedJedi

*Another dramatic exchange of weapons fire occurs; on the WWYPTT, several things on the bridge blow up with really quite impressive showers of sparks, almost as though they were designed to do so by some bored engineer with a perverse sense of humour, probably the same one that thought it would be a smashing idea to have plasma conduits running through crew consoles, though I bet he's a real hoot on April Fools Day... ahem, where were we?*

Good point.

Actually, design in the ST universe does generally seem to be more for look than practicality - I mean, why put the bridge on the top of the ship in space? There's no need!

And why run so much current through a bridge console that it'll kill?

Or are these PNQs?

[PointyHairedJedi]

And now, part the third, featuring some familiar faces...


*Meanwhile, on the bride of the as yet unsuspecting USS Ottawa...*

Zeke: Dammit, I can't believe it's come to this.
Nate: Yeah yeah, just gimme the pips.
Zeke: I mean, I really can't believe it's come to this. *Sigh* Crewman Nate, I hereby promote you to Junior Apprentice Helmsperson, Third Grade.
Nate: Woo hoo! I get to steer the ship!
IJD: Face it, Admiral--
Zeke: Ahem.
IJD: Fine. Face it, Commodore, you don't have much choice. You've promoted everyone else to fill in the gaps, and we've still got some. You were going to have to give Nate something to do at some point, and face it, the emergency inflatable helmsman is great for going in straight lines, but not much else.
Zeke: You're right, number one, but I'm still going to punish you by turning down the heating anyway.
IJD: Again? But it's practically an icecube in here already!
Nate: Don't be daft. Back home in Minnesota we'd call this sunbathing weather.
IJD: Eskimos. I'm surrounded by flaming Eskimos. Hrmph.
Valium: Admiral, sir--
Zeke: AHEM.
Valium: Yes yes. If you'd let me finish, Rear Admiral, long range sensors are picking up two ships travelling towards us at high warp.
Zeke: Do I have to send you to the brig?
Valium: It's completely archaic! Starfleet doesn't actually use the rank any more, sir, and hasn't in a while. So why do you persist?
Zeke: Why did IJD panel the whole bridge in cedar? It's just one of those things, Lieutenant. Now behave yourself or I'll remove all the vowels from your console's keyboard.
Valium: *Mutter mutter mutter*
Zeke: I didn't quite catch that.
Valium: I said, *Mutter mutter mutter*, sir.
Zeke: That's better. Now what's this about incoming ships?
Valium: One of them has a Starfleet transponder. The other is unknown. The 'Fleet ship reads as the Watch Where You're Pointing That Thing. Sapristi nobolas! Isn't that...
Zeke: ...Rear Admiral PointyHairedJedi. Yes. Hmm. I think perhaps we should go to red alert and arm all weapons. Just in case.
Mudshark: Waaay ahead of you there, Zeke.
Zeke: Excellent. Mr NAH, how are things looking down in engineering?
NAH: Och aye, Commodore laddie. Thins' look reet bonny doon here--
Zeke: For the last time, don't do the accent! It sounds just terrible.
NAH: But it's traditional, sir!
Zeke: I don't care. Just don't do it. Frogarium status?
KatyJane: It's all green down here, sir.
Zeke: You'll get a recommendation for that, Ensign. Or a charge. I'm not sure which yet. Helm? Don't crash into anything unless I say so.
Nate: What about billboards bearing acronyms that feature the word 'the' as part of the acronym?
Zeke: Anything APART from those. Weapons status?
Mudshark: They make things go 'kaboom', sir.
Zeke: Good, good. Doctor whoiam, prepare sickbay to recieve casualties. Lieutenant LtFielding -- and by the way, how confusing is that? -- prepare security teams to repel boarders. I think that just leaves you, Mister Sa'ar.
Sa'ar: Just say the word, Commodore, and I'll have those gold nanoparticles ready and waiting for action.
Zeke: ...Yeah. You... do that, then. And make me some coffee, while you're at it.
Sa'ar: Sure. You want some gold nanoparticles in that?
Zeke: I'll pass, if it's all the same.
Valium: They'll be dropping out of warp any second now, sir.

*The WWYPTT drops out of warp almost right in front of the Ottawa, avoiding ramming the other ship only by a few tens of metres. Not twenty seconds later, the SSWIPTT appears too, and almost immediately starts attacking the other two ships. It is fair to say that many redshirts will probably die in the next few minutes*

*Splosions and stuff*
Zeke: If we survive this, I'll kill him! I'll pun him to death with my own keyboard! Return fire, Mister Shark, return fire!

PHJ: Wheeeee! This is fun!
Number One: If we survive this, hopefully Zeke will kill him.
T.O.: If we survive. Sheilds at sixty-three percent, sir! Ventral phasers offline!
PHJ: Wheeeeeeeee! All this shaking is even more fun when you spin the chair around.
Number One: Sir! We need orders!
PHJ: Harumph. Fine. Try to take out their sensor arrays, then, and determine if they have any tea on board!
Helm: Today is not a good day to die!
PHJ: Wheeeeeeee!

Zeke: Report!
Valium: Eeek!
Nate: --dontwannadiedontwannadiedontwannadie--
NAH: Mommie!
Mudshark: I've been better.
Zeke: Pull yourselves together! What's Pointy doing?
Mudshark: Attacking their sensors, looks like. They're in better shape than us, but not by much!
IJD: Might I suggest that we stage a retreat before we get completely blown to pieces?
Sa'ar: Sir, I don't mean to alarm you, but I dropped my box of gold nanoparticles. They're all over the bridge, sir! Oh God, they're everywhere! We're all dooooomed!
Zeke: Yes, but not for your silly reason. Nate, plot a course for somewhere that it looks like we could hide for a while, and I suppose someone should let Pointy know that we're retreating.
Valium: Oh, must we? Ah well. Sir, I've got the perfect place.
Zeke: Mister Nate, engage!

[NAHTMMM]

*mashes a bunch of laughing smilies into three rofl smilies, one for each part*

Originally Posted by PointyHairedJedi

Zeke: Excellent. Mr NAH, how are things looking down in engineering?
NAH: Och aye, Commodore laddie. Thins' look reet bonny doon here--
Zeke: For the last time, don't do the accent! It sounds just terrible.
NAH: But it's traditional, sir!

Terrible, but scarily accurate.


[edit]Although the fact that I'm in charge of Engineering is much scarier.

[PointyHairedJedi]

Originally Posted by NAHTMMM

[edit]Although the fact that I'm in charge of Engineering is much scarier.

They're using new and experimental fractal warp drive technology on the USS Ottawa, so it makes sense in a roundabout sort of manner.

[Chancellor Valium]

A fractal warp drive?

Does this mean it's no longer necessary to bounce phased polyputtheketlon beams off the deflector array?

[PointyHairedJedi]

You could, but you'd look pretty silly doing it.

[Chancellor Valium]

Originally Posted by PointyHairedJedi

Valium: Admiral, sir--
Zeke: AHEM.
Valium: Yes yes. If you'd let me finish, Rear Admiral, long range sensors are picking up two ships travelling towards us at high warp.
Zeke: Do I have to send you to the brig?

Yes.

[Tate]

Very funny. Good job.