Five-Minute Mega Man 8

by Zeke

(Space. Two glowing energy things are engaged in a titanic struggle.)
Good Energy Thing:
Bad Energy Thing:
Good Energy Thing:
Bad Energy Thing:
(Well, whattaya want? They're in space.)
Good Energy Thing and Bad Energy Thing: *start falling towards Earth*
(Never mind.)

Mega Man: Ow! Stop it, Bass! Why must we always fight?
Bass: You know damn well why -- you keep saying my name wrong! I'll stop when you stop!
Mega Man: (shakes head) There's just no getting through to him. Poor, mindlessly violent Bass.
Bass: GAH! You DIE!
Roll: Oh, stop it, Mega Man. You know the readers can't hear you.

Dr. Light: (over the comm) Thewe's a pwoblem, Mega Man. A mystewious meteow has cwashed into the Eawth. Thewe's no tewwing what dangewous effects may occuw.
Mega Man: Since when do you have a lisp?
Dr. Light: Exactwy! Go investigate the iswand whewe it wanded. Oh, and have a ball.

Mega Ball: (boing)
Mega Man: I can't believe he meant that literally.
Roll: I think it's cute. And look on the bright side -- now you're halfway to being a real boy!
Mega Man: Oh, shut up. The only bright side is that he didn't stick me with a fist-launcher again.

Giant Enemy Crab: Prepare to die, intrudAAAAAAARGH!
Mega Man: Wow, massive damage. This Mega Ball could be fun after all. Maybe I'll round up some Robot Masters and organize a soccer game....
Dr. Wily: Oh, I'm not falling for that one again.
Mega Man: Wily! I didn't expect to find you on this skull-shaped island!
Dr. Wily: Looks more like the number 4 to me. Anyway, I'll be leaving with this meteor now. Kill you later.
Mega Man: Rats! He's gone... hey, there's an injured robot over here!
Duo: (cough) Very... astute...
Mega Man: Rush, get this guy to Dr. Light for repairs. I'm sure he won't mind. Bringing strange robots to his lab has never been a problem before.


Frost Man: Ha! I'm ten times your size! You don't stand a chance against me!
Mega Man: Sorry, but you don't know jack, Frost Man. Know why I came to you first? Because Wily always builds one big, dumb guy, and that's usually the easiest one to beat.
Frost Man: Pipsqueak! Watch as I smash these statues of you, with the strength of a walrus or a bear or someth-- OWW!
Mega Man: Yeah, it's usually smarter to attack me directly. Bye now.
Frost Man: I hate... your guts...

Mega Man: Huh. What's a tengu?
Tengu Man: Don't bother pretending you aren't Japanese. The game isn't localized that well.
Mega Man: Well, you look like Pinocchio to me. And that means flying is your fatal mistake. You'll crash-land at the drop of a hat.
Tengu Man: Is there a reference I'm missing here?
Mega Man: Let's discuss it over some Ice Waves.

Mega Man: Clown M-- Wily really is completely out of ideas, isn't he?
Clown Man: If you want, you can call me Circus Man or Colour Man or something.
Mega Man: I'm just gonna smack you around with Tornado Hold and get this over with, okay? You clowns creep me out. You're weird and disturbing.
Clown Man: Why so serious?
Mega Man: See, that doesn't help.

Mega Man: ...and then, as he died, he said "See you in my dreams." Brrrrr.
Grenade Man: Stop talking about the last guy! I'm your problem now!
Mega Man: No, you're your own problem. Grenade Man? I shouldn't even need to blow you up.
Grenade Man: Fool! I am a grenadier, a laughing soldier! And with my Flash Bombs, I'll -- (BLAM)
Mega Man: I liked Trigun better anyway.

Dr. Light: How did it go with the Wobot Mastews?
Mega Man: Something felt off, but I can't put my finger on it. I'll let you know. Did you analyze those dark energy balls they left behind?
Dr. Light: Yes, and the wesults were most distuwbing. They're some kind of... dawk enewgy!
Mega Man: Aw man, we're doing a whole dark/light thing? Link warned me this would happen. I'll have to warn Samus.
Dr. Light: Don't wowwy, I'm suwe it won't be so bad. Now come and see the new Item Wepwicatow.
Mega Man: Only if you promise not to try and say that word again.

Duo: Finally. I thought they'd never leave. Time to track down the evil energy. *smashes through the ceiling*
Mega Man: Oh no! That's the "unconscious robot woke up and smashed through the ceiling" alarm!
Roll: I told Dr. Light to just go with a "woke up" alarm.
Dr. Light: Yes, you're a weal bwight one. Fix the ceiwing.

Mega Man: Wait! Come back! Tell me who you --
Duo: I see there's no reasoning with you.
Mega Man: Is that... ow... is that all you've got?
Duo: No.

Proto Man: Hey! Listen!
Duo: See ya. *zips off*
Mega Man: Great. Proto Man, must you always interrupt when I'm getting my butt handed to me?
Proto Man: I have important news. Wily's got a new fortress!
Mega Man: ...That was it?
Proto Man: I can also point in its rough direction.

Mega Man: Big one this time. Let's --
Preposterously Huge Guard Robot: *crushes Mega Man*
Dr. Wily: (over the comm) Oh, my ears! You scream like a little girl!
Mega Man: Not my fault... voiced by one...
Dr. Wily: Well, as you can see, the gloves are off this time! I'm using tons of evil energy, I made four more Robot Masters... I've even stopped leaving Energy Tanks in the stages!
Mega Man: That's what felt different! You monster!

Duo: *blows up the giant guard*
Mega Man: Whoa. Wish I could do that.
Duo: I see you're a good guy after all. I hunt evil energy, a whosit that feeds on dark thoughts. Wily's using it. Go stop him!
Mega Man: Hold it. Which one of us does this for a living and just took down a robot the size of the Sears Tower? Why don't YOU stop Wily?
Duo: I have another batch of evil energy to recover. Somebody called Robotnik has it.


Mega Man: At least it was easy to guess the weak one in this group.
Aqua Man: Don't underestimate my Water Balloons!
Mega Man: Oh no! Can you also talk to fi-- (SIZZLE)
Aqua Man: Water is actually pretty effective on robots.
Mega Man: You'd think I would've noticed that when I swam through your level...

Sword Man: Welcome. I see you have made it through my ancient cave.
Mega Man: Ancient? It's specifically designed around the weapons of four Robot Masters that Wily built a week ago!
Sword Man: All right, I carved it all out with my Flame Sword, but you must admit I did a good job. Now let us battle!
Mega Man: Okay. Catch.
Sword Man: Water! My weakness! But how did you beat Aqua Man?
Mega Man: Slapped him with a copyright suit.

Mega Man: Hooo boy. Wily was into the bad acid when he came up with this bunch.
Search Man: Do you have a problem with my design?
Mega Man: You've got two heads!
Search Man's 2nd Head: He has a point. We're not really better than one.
Search Man's 1st Head: Load a Homing Missile and shut up! It works for Beeblebrox, it can work for us!

Astro Man: Aw man! I told Wily the maze wasn't confusing enough, but nooo. "You're perfectly safe, Astro Man," he said. And NOW look!
Mega Man: Did... did you say Astro Man?
Astro Man: Sure, but -- hey! Get off!
Mega Man: It's you! My long-lost brother Astro Boy! And you're all grown up!
Astro Man: Uh... Yes! Right! But now I must return to my secret hideout! Take my weapon to remember me by! *makes a break for it*
Mega Man: *sniff* At last, that brother-shaped hole in my heart is filled!
Proto Man: Oh, thanks.

Mega Man: Time to finally take down Wily! But first let's see what I can make with these Bolts.
Roll: Hmm... you have enough for a Hyper Slider, a lock for Rush Cycle, or this thing which I think shoots Mets.
Mega Man: Still no E-tanks... wait, you're running the machine? Where's Auto?
Roll: Missing. We think Wily stole him.
Mega Man: Oh, that does it! This time I'm busting him for grand theft!


Mega Man: Hmm, a jetboard. Shouldn't be much harder than flying with Rush...
Narrator: Jump, jump! Slide, slide!
Mega Man: Pardo-- GAK!

Narrator: Jump, jump! Slide, slide!
Mega Man: Okay, jump here, shoot that enemy, sli-- GAK!

(120 continues later)
Narrator: Jump, jump! Slide, slide!
Mega Man: Why does this thing keep speeding up? Why can't I use Rush? What exactly is killing me when I'm too slow? Who keeps giving me those instructions?
Narrator: Jump, jump! Slide, slide! Jump, jump! Jump, jump! Slide, slide! Jump, jump! Slide, slide! Slide, slide! My slide, your slide! My slide, your slide!

Mega Man: *pant pant*
Mini-Boss: Hey, you finally made it! Now let's see if you're good enough at Mega Ball puzzles to beat --
Mega Man: *blasts charged shots straight up*
Mini-Boss: AAAAGH! You can't do that! It's cheating!
Mega Man: I am so far beyond caring right now, you're lucky I don't just climb up there and beat you down.

Bass: Mega Man! I, Bass, will finally destroy you with the power of evil energy!
(One rematch later)
Mega Man: You, Bass, were considerably harder last game. And I had E-tanks for that fight.
Bass: Blast! Evil energy isn't as strong as I thought!
Mega Man: Or you're not.
Bass: I, Bass, will consider that possibility the day the sun turns green.

Rush Jet: Ruff!
Mega Man: That's more like it. But what would really hit the spot would be some backup.
Beat: Twee!
Eddie: *nod*
Auto: Let's DO this!
Mega Man: Auto! Roll said you were kidnapped!
Auto: I guess she didn't get my note. I just had some school buses to blow up today.

Giant Ship: WHOOSH
Mega Man: Pfft, a few Astro Crushes and this thing'll be scrap. Wily never learns that making machines bigger doesn't make them stronger.
Auto: That giant guard you fought earlier was pretty frickin' strong. Maybe he should just have made more of --
Mega Man: SHHH!

Voice of Reason: You ready for this?
Mega Man: Oh, it's you. Then the next boss must be...
Green Devil: GRAAR!
Mega Man: It's made of goo this time?
Voice of Reason: Frying it with Thunder Claw should work nicely. Wily should've stuck to rock.
Mega Man: Nah, he knows that's my department.

Mega Man: Next up: boss refights. Do you care? Me neither. Let's skip it.
Robot Masters: Whew.

Mega Man: Wily! Get down from that... giant... evil energy cannon... uh oh.
Dr. Wily: I love this stuff! It's better than red matter! Die, hero!
Duo: Ow.
Mega Man: You're back!
Duo: Yes, the problem had already been dealt with. By the local wildlife, oddly enough.

Dr. Wily: Well, my cannon may be down, but so is your friend!
Proto Man: I'll get him to safety. Or do you need a hand here?
Mega Man: Go ahead. I got this.
Dr. Wily: Oh really? My death machine is loaded with every weapon I could cram aboard and my latest annoying teleport-pod, and you have no Energy Tanks! There's no way you can win!
(Moments later)
Death Machine: BOOOOM
Dr. Wily: What... what IS that thing?
Mega Man: Beats me. All I know is it shoots Mets.

Dr. Wily: You're not going to threaten me with death again, are you?
Mega Man: Nah, I'm feeling pretty mellow this game. But I think you know what I expect.
Dr. Wily: The begging animation?
Mega Man: You better believe i--
Blob of Evil Energy: *randomly grabs Mega Man*
Dr. Wily: Whew, I hadn't gotten around to making a 32-bit begging sprite yet. Toodles!

Duo: Uh oh... the evil energy got him. He'll hit terminal corruption unless I act fast.
Beat: Twee?
Duo: I know he's not full of dark thoughts. Evil energy is apparently less picky than I implied. Now get back!
Duo: There. I'll go stick this somewhere and be on my way. Would you give Mega Man a message for me when he gets up, scarfo?
Proto Man: You saw me? But I'm doing my stealthy watch-over thing!
Duo: Wearing red.

Mega Man: Oof. How'd I get back here?
Dr. Light: You feww ovew aftew beating Wiwy. Duo saved you by extwacting the eviw enewgy.
Roll: We're still wondering what he did with it...
Mega Man: I see Eddie's burning the living room down again, so wonder no more. Did anyone bring Rush back?
Dr. Light: We couldn't find him. We checked aww the bike wacks...
Mega Man: *sigh* Maybe I should have bought that lock.

Proto Man: Hey bro. Duo went back to space, but he gave me a message for you: he's available for cameos.
Mega Man: Just cameos? There'll be lots more whole games he can come back for. This is only our first time on the Playstation, after all.
Proto Man: Yeah, you're probably right. We're Capcom's flagship series. How long can it be till we get another next-gen game?
Mega Man: Yeah! How long?
Proto Man: How long?
Mega Man and Proto Man: HOW LONG?

Dr. Wily: *grumble* You really never get used to castles collapsing on your head. Bass, get out here and clean up this mess!
Reggae: Wakk! *hands Wily a note*
Dr. Wily: "Need to think things over. Going for a ride. Me, Bass." ...A ride?

Bass: Hrmm... could it be that he always beats me just because he's a hero? I'll never do it! Well, anti-hero might not be so bad...
Treble: Grrr!
Bass: Shut up! If you want me to ride you, get some wheels!
(Bass rides Rush Cycle into the sunset at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on July 17, 2010.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Capcom, and since you never know when a new Mega Man game will come out, I'd better stay on their good side. Incidentally, Rockman and Forte does not count as Mega Man 9. Mega Man 9 has not -- whoa, how long ago did I write this disclaimer?

All material © 2010, Colin Hayman.