Five-Minute Mega Man & Bass

by Zeke

Eddie: The Robot Museum is under attack again!
Mega Man: Oh, good. I've been meaning to visit anyway. It's so nostalgic, what with the rebuilt areas from my past games.
Dr. Light: Good luck.
Mega Man: What, no upgrade before I go?
Dr. Light: I upgraded your sprite to 32 bits even though we're on the SNES. You'll have to be content with that.

Met: The Robot Museum is under attack!
Dr. Wily: Hey, that's my shtick! Bass, go see who's ripping me off.
Bass: You dare to treat me, Bass, like your little errand boy? I could blow you up six ways before you could blink.
Dr. Wily: Mega Man will probably be there.
Bass: Which way to the museum? POINT ME, FOOL!

King: Mwahahaha! I have stolen the 100 Robot Master CDs!
Proto Man: And now you'll give them back, you -- GAK!
Mega Man: Hey! Nobody slices my bro in half!
Proto Man: It's... only... a flesh wound....

Bass: Prepare to die, Mega Man!
King: Excuse me? This is my blustery showdown with Mega Man. Go get your own.
Bass: Pfft! Who are you supposed to be?
King: I am the Robot King. I come to prove myself the strongest of all robots.
Bass: What the -- that's MY thing! You can't have it!
Mega Man: Wow, Bass, now we both have reasons to fight King. Why don't we team up against him?
King: Please. You two aren't worth my time. I'm just gonna take off and leave you with a miniboss.
Mega Man: ...Okay, let's team up against that.

Goop Monster: GRAAR!
Bass: Take this! And this!
Mega Man: Hey, don't just shoot it. We need to think this through, find its weaknesses --
Voice of Reason: Just shoot it. It's a wimp.
Mega Man: Huh. Was that my Voice of Reason or yours?
Bass: Yours, idiot. I have a Voice of Testosterone.

Mega Man: That was easy. Let's go after King.
News Robot: Extra! Extra! King assembles army of evil robots to conquer world!
Bass: How many ro--
Mega Man: Eight. And we'll have to fight through all of them twice before we can get to King.
Bass: What? That's stupid.
Mega Man: (pats Bass's shoulder) Welcome to my life.

Roll: You're actually going to work with Bass? Didn't Dr. Light build you with a memory?
Mega Man: I know, I know, but I think I can trust him for now since we have a common ene--
Bass: Mega Man! Mega Man! I've figured out how to beat King!
Mega Man: Really? Great! How?
Bass: Walk straight into spikes!
Mega Man: (BOOM)
Roll: Oh yes, you're Trustworthy McTrusterson.
Bass: Heh heh. Quit whining and sweep him up. We've got a game to play.

Dr. Light: Nope.
Mega Man: What?
Dr. Light: No teleporting. The machine is out of order. Don't worry, the walk will be good exercise for you.
Mega Man: But it doesn't look bro--
Dr. Light: Have a nice hike! Off you go!
Mega Man: This is because I made fun of your dub voice last game, isn't it?
Dr. Light: Don't expect any Energy Tanks either.


Cold Man: TWO of you? No fair!
Mega Man: I have had to fight like a hundred of you people. Often in rapid succession. Always more than once.
Cold Man: It's still mean. But no matter -- I can hold you both in place with my floating cloud things!
Mega Man: Hmm... Bass, we won't be able to take those out till they get low enough. Maybe one of us should focus on --
Bass: What are you talking about? Just point up. *blasts them*
(Long, long pause)

Burner Man: You? I was expecting Mega Man.
Bass: He's still in Cold Man's stage. Says he won't leave until he manages to -- why am I explaining this? Eat Ice Walls.
Burner Man: Arrgh! How did you know that ice was my weakness?
Bass: You shoot fire. You're on fire. You have "burn" in your name.
Burner Man: None of that guaran-- OW! Why did I even PUT spikes in my room?!

Bass: There was a time when I thought no one could ever build more ridiculous robots than Wily. That time is now at an end.
Pirate Man: Be shuttin' your porthole. Yarrr.

Bass: You know there's already been a Drill Man, right?
Ground Man: He doesn't own the concept! And I take it to the EXTREME!
Bass: Uh...
Ground Man: EXTREEEEEME! *blasts giant drills through everything*
Bass: (loading Remote Mine) Yeah, think I'll handle this one from a distance.

Mega Man: *pants heavily*
Bass: Welcome back. Figured out how to stop sucking yet?
Mega Man: Shut up! And great, now we have an autoscroller over bottomless pits! One missed jump and I die!
Bass: Eh, it's not that hard. *double-jumps to next platform*
(Long, long pause)
Mega Man: WHAT?!?

Tengu Man: Ack! Bass! Don't tell Wily I joined King's --
Bass: You really think he doesn't know? We've all got GPS built in.
Tengu Man: (sigh) Okay, I'll come quietly.
Bass: Nah, you'll eat some Spread Drills. I want your weapon.
Tengu Man: Oh come on, you're not even Mega Man! Unfai-- come to think of it, where is he?
Bass: He found a 1-up near a pit and he's respawning it till he manages to double-jump. I've got Treble there filming it for me.

Magic Man: Abracadabra! Alakazam! Pick a Magic Card, any Magic Card!
Bass: If I were Mega Man, this is where I'd be making a bunch of stupid puns. But I think I'll just take this Tengu Blade and cut you. I mean deck you. I mean --
Magic Man: Ha ha! You can't help it! That's the magic!
Bass: *blasts indiscriminately*
Magic Man: GAK!
Bass: See, the trick was just not to talk. -- Dammit!

Astro Man: Gah! Bass! Don't tell --
Bass: No. Wait, you joined a rebellion? Aren't you a dork who's scared of fighting?
Astro Man: I thought I'd be fighting Mega Man! He still thinks I'm his brother-slash-original-character-concept!
Bass: Whatever. Eat some Ma--
Astro Man: Oo, are those Magic cards? I didn't know you played! Hang on, let me get my deck!
Bass: You die twice now.

Dynamo Man: Oh, come on!
Bass: Does every one of you idiots have some reason to prefer Mega Man to me?
Dynamo Man: I have a recharger at the top of the screen that refills my HP! You can just shoot up, but it would drive him crazy!
Bass: ...Know what? That's funny enough to be worth skipping your weapon. Let me through and stay here to fight Mega Man.
Treble: (teleporting in) ROWF!
Bass: And don't mind him, he's just the cameraman.

Seven of the Boss Crystals: *burst*
Eighth Boss Crystal: I laugh at your arsenal. LAUGH I SAY.
Bass: Looks like I did need that eighth weapon for something. Well, I'll just wait for Mega Man.
(Twelve hours later)
Mega Man: I... hate... you.
Bass: You hate me? Do you have any idea how bored I am?

Auto: Hey Mega Man! What can I make for you?
Mega Man: Considering the lack of E-tanks? Lives. All the lives. Bass, you should go stock up too.
Bass: Nah, I've already bought everything here.
Mega Man: You've been coming here? Why aren't you going to Dr. Wily for support?
Bass: He says he's busy. Dunno with what.
Mega Man: *slowly begins to smirk*
Bass: What's with you?
Mega Man: Oh, I wouldn't dream of spoiling the surprise.

Bass: Well, I can no longer say I've never fought a self-spanking monkey teamed up with a bagworm.
Mega Man: Fortress bosses are their own special kind of crazy. You get used to it.
Bass: Hey, now that you mention it, wasn't that bagworm one of Wily's fortress bosses last game? Did King steal it or something?
Mega Man: Gosh, that is strange. Heh heh heh.
Bass: If you don't explain that smirk pretty soon, I'm blasting it off you.

Bass: This could be tricky. Hey Roll, do you know this thing's weakness?
Mega Man: *blink* Did you just call my sister?
Roll: (over the comm) Hi, Bass! Sorry, no info for the fortress bosses, but I'll have some Milk Oil Tea ready when you get back!
Mega Man: She's been making you tea? YOU?!
Bass: Hey, whose idea was this team-up again?
Mega Man: Stay away from my sister!
Tank: Uh, should I just come back later?

Bass: And now an autoscroller on floating platforms. Greeeat. You should probably just leave this to me and my double-jump.
Mega Man: Actually, if you look over here, you'll notice that the platforms show up closer to me. Wi-- I mean, King is considerate like that. Heh heh.
Bass: The smile again! Explain or die!
Jet: Seriously, should we fortress bosses just leave you two alone?

King: You!
Mega Man: Hey, look. King's already here and it's only the second fortress stage. Isn't that funny, Bass? I wonder what it implies.
Bass: *low growl*
King: You pricks defeated my whole army! I'm trying to run a rebellion here!
Mega Man: I hate to break it to you, but if they couldn't beat us, they probably weren't going to get far anyway.
Bass: "Us", my ass! I beat seven out of eight! ME! Bass!
King: (Time to remind them who they're actually fighting here. Fortunately, I stopped by the Poké Mart earlier for an X Attack...)

Mega Man: Ow! OW! Stop shooting Xs at us!
Bass: They're literally just big sans-serif Xs! At least have the self-respect to make your attacks look realistic!
King: Try and stop me! I am invincible! Ha ha ha!
Mega Man: Oh, invincible? That's actually good news.
Bass: How?!
Proto Man: *teleports in*
Mega Man: Because it meant we were just waiting on a cutscene.

Proto Man: Now you're dealing with someone who knows a thing or two about shields, King! BIG BANG ATTACK!
King's Shield: BOOOOM
King: Wow. Rude.
Mega Man: Nooooo! You burned out your systems!
Bass: He had it coming anyway. "Big Bang Attack"? I think we all know I am the Vegeta of this series. He's Piccolo if anything.
Proto Man: Feeling... more like Raditz right now...
Mega Man: Not even in jest, bro! Beam back to the lab and cheer up. Roll has some tea for you.
Bass: *glare*

Mega Man: You're vile, King!
King: Perhaps so, but your red friend's sacrifice will mean zero! Prepare to --
King: H-how?
Bass: You know how Mega Man only uses his weapons one shot at a time instead of unloading everything at once? I've always found that an affectation.

Wily: (over the comm) King, you idiot! You failed!
Bass: Huh? Is that...
Wily: There's a mech suit for you in the next room. Don't blow it again!
Bass: Wily? You made King?!
Wily: Uh oh. Is this thing on speaker? Uh... pay no attention to the voice behind --
Bass: I'll KILL you!
Mega Man: *laughs hysterically*

Jet King Robo: GRRAAAR!
Mega Man: This is your mech? Did Wily just kitbash all the fortress bosses? I feel like he's not taking this game seriously.
Bass: Murder murder murder murder...
Mega Man: Uh, maybe I'll handle this guy. You're out of ammo anyway, right?
Bass: But not out of RAGE!
Mega Man: That probably isn't his weakness.

King: Well fought, Mega Man. If your beliefs give you such strength, perhaps there is wisdom in them. I didn't even really consider any options other than raising a robot army of conquest.
Mega Man: Yay! Progress! Come on, let's get out before this place comes down.
King: It's... it's too late for me...
Mega Man: No it's not!
King: Sorry, I really can't fight this part of my programming. I was built for maximum drama.

Cold Man: Have at thee!
Mega Man: And now the boss refights are in-stage! Wily hasn't done that since the first game. Either he really thought we'd lose to King and threw this together in a hurry, or he's just on a budget.
Bass: (muttering) It would explain why he hasn't let us run the AC lately...
Cold Man: Actually, he just rebuilt it into me. But you stay back this time, Bass! I'm fighting Mega Man and that's final!
Mega Man: I'm game, if you're sure it's a good idea.
Cold Man: Ha! I happen to know Bass hogged all the special weap-- (BRZZZZAAAAAPPPP)
Mega Man: Yeah, most of 'em. I just got this Lightning Bolt thing.

Bass: (punches a wall)
Mega Man: I know, right? Refights take forever.
Bass: No, it's just... my creator betrayed me! And you of all people figured it out sooner!
Mega Man: Eh, it's just experience. He's pulled this basic trick on me five times before. You were even the mechanism last time.
Bass: Oh yeah! You fell for that like a ton of bricks, didn't you? Thanks, I feel better now.
Mega Man: I'm... so glad.

Bass: WILY! You tried to kill me! ME! BASS!
Dr. Wily: Use your head, you idiot! You live in my fortress! If I wanted to kill you, I could do it any time!
Bass: What? Then why did you send me after King?
Dr. Wily: To find out if you're even remotely worth your upkeep! You've never beaten Mega Man even once, yet you constantly brag and talk down to me!
Mega Man: Can't imagine where he gets that from.
Dr. Wily: Shut up, fool! Wily always wins!

Bass: Well, whatever. I didn't come here to NOT fight you! Treble Boost!
Treble: ROWF! (fuses with Bass)
Mega Man: I see you're still using that little upgrade you stole from me.
Bass: So? You can still do it, can't you?
Mega Man: *sigh* Rush is locked in Search mode. Word of advice? If Wily ever starts talking funny, just... don't comment on it.

Wily's Death Machine: BOOOOM
Bass: Ha ha! What next, Wily? Another of your stupid capsu-- (keels over)
Dr. Wily: Glad I kept his remote on me. Well, time to clean up this... mess... Mega Man, you're still here, aren't you?
Mega Man: Hi!
Dr. Wily: Planning to bring me in for the whole King business?
Mega Man: Yep!
Dr. Wily: Capsule it is!

(One capsule fight later)
Mega Man: You'll pay for what you did to King, you monster! He pulled a Ballade and a Sunstar on me!
Dr. Wily: I'm sorry. I'll come quietly.
Mega Man: Of course you will! You've got a bunch of robots programmed to break you out of jail again, right?
Dr. Wily: ...Maybe...
Mega Man: No, I have a better idea. This was the remote you used, right? (BEEP)
Bass: Whoa! What happened?
Dr. Wily: Oh, you wouldn't...
Mega Man: Toodles!

Roll: Welcome back, Mega Man! Where's Bass?
Mega Man: ...Why do you ask?
Roll: No reason.
Mega Man: Right. Well, don't get used to having him around, our team-up's done now. I just wish I could have saved King...
Dr. Light: Good news about that, actually. We found this note for you.
Mega Man: (reads it) It's from King! He's okay! And going off on some journey of enlightenment!
Auto: Can we trust him not to just start a war somewhere else? That's what I'd do.
Dr. Light: Well, as a sign of goodwill, he gave back the 100 CDs. Now we can finally put that data on a USB stick like civilized people.

Bass: Give me one reason not to kill you!
Dr. Wily: Besides the one I already gave about testing your power?
Bass: With a fight to the death, yeah! Think harder!
Dr. Wily: Uh -- uh -- because you passed! Yes! You passed my test with flying colours! I'll never try to replace you again!
Bass: There's a schematic for "King II" right there on your desk!
Dr. Wily: Strictly speculative!
Proto Man: (beaming in) Let's keep it that way, shall we? *shoots the plans*
Bass: You recovered fast.
Proto Man: Ever had a Milk Oil Tea? It's powerful stuff.

Mega Man: So I've been thinking about how King survived despite his programming. You left the room later than me. Did you...?
Bass: I might have shot him in the brain and hoped for the best.
Mega Man: You really do have some good in you, Bass. Even if it comes out exclusively through violence.
Bass: Still gonna kill you one of these days... but I suppose teaming up wasn't the end of the world.
Mega Man: Yep. Good game! Let's shake on it!
Bass: Very w-- owww!


BONUS FIVER! Rockman & Forte: Challenger From the Fu--
Mega Man: No.
Bass: We're not doing this one.
But it's another Mega Man and Bass game!
Mega Man: And have you LOOKED at it?
...Oh, fine.
Previous fiver: Mega Man 8

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This fiver was originally published on December 17, 2020.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Capcom, and since you never know when a new Mega Man game will come out, I'd better stay on their good side. Incidentally, Rockman and Forte does not count as Mega Man 9. Mega Man 9 has not -- whoa, how long ago did I write this disclaimer?

All material © 2020, Zeke.