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Five-Minute "Descent II"

by Zeke

Picard: No. No, this is impossible. Evil twins can't be on the same side.
Lore: Au contraire, Captain! Evil twins fight at first and then get along. I refer you to the examples of Kirk and Riker.
La Forge: Outgunned and outsmarted... we're sunk!
Data: Indeed you are, Geordi. Take 'em away, Borgs!

Crusher: I wish I knew what's going on down there....
Taitt: You could call one of the teams.
Crusher: Brilliant! Crusher to Riker!
Riker: (over the comm) Riker here.
Crusher: Well? Any luck looking for Commander Data?
Riker: No. Say, you don't know where he is, do you?
Crusher: Sigh.

Taitt: There's a ship coming in. Seems friendly enough.
Crusher: What? That's the Borg ship that was attacking those colonies!
Taitt: No no, that can't be a Borg ship. It's too geometrically complicated.
Crusher: Crusher to somebody smarter! Start beaming the teams off the surface, stat!
Transporter Chief: "Stat"?

Riker: Captain Picard's team still isn't responding. Doctor, Worf and I are going to stay here to look for them.
Crusher: (over the comm) Acknowledged. We're beaming everyone else up.
Riker: Oh, leave Anthony and Blucas.
Crusher: Why?
Riker: To look for me and Worf.

Taitt: The Borg ship is getting closer! We have to put up the shields!
Crusher: No! Keep beaming people up, and just polarize the hull plating or something!
Crusher: Or take us out of orbit.

Data: Here is your cell. No, do not just walk in. Let me kick you inside.
Picard: Data, don't you see what's happening? Lore is controlling you with the power of the One Chip! Didn't you One-der why these Borg call him the One?
Data: La Forge, give me your visor.
La Forge: Why?
Data: So I can whack Picard with it.

Taitt: We're ready to open the conduit now.
Crusher: Open it. Then stuff a sheet of paper labeled "HELP!" into a champagne bottle and chuck it through. We're going back to the planet.
Taitt: But sir, your orders --
Crusher: Please. I may not know much about command, but I know you don't follow orders.

Data: Here is the visor. I hope it is not for your hair.
Lore: No, I use Loreal for that.
Crosis: Lo-ore! Goval won't let me hear his thoughts!
Lore: Don't worry, I'll win him over with a charismatic speech. (ahem) SEIZE HIM!
Data: Winston Churchill you are not.
Lore: Of course not. I have better hair.

Barnaby: Hi, I'm here to replace Little Miss Whiny at Tactical.
Crusher: No, stay here, Taitt. Just take one of those stations at the back that don't really do anything.
Taitt: Thank you, sir! Say, with almost all the crew back on board, isn't it funny that no one's come to try and replace you?
Crusher: They're afraid of ripping off "The Arsenal of Freedom."
Taitt: Ah.

La Forge: Before they took my visor, I could see an invisible beam radiating into Data's head.
Picard: Invisible? It must be from the One Chip.
Troi: Didn't Dr. Soong have a poem about that chip? Something like "Chip of wonder, chip of might... chip to succour Data's plight...."
Picard: I fail to see how that's relevant.
La Forge: Wait! Chip of might? That's it! A kedion pulse might be able to reactivate Data's ethical programming! Brilliant, Deanna!
Troi: Ha. Sign labelled "See," my @$$.

Worf: Well done, Commander. At this rate we'll find Captain Picard's team in no time. Because the Borg will plunk us in the next jail cell.
Riker: Is it my fault you stand out so much? The Borg could see that stupid sash from a mile off!
Worf: You DARE insult the sash?
Hugh: Riker! Worf! My friends! I hate you so much.
Riker: Hey, it's Hugh! Great to see Hugh! What have Hugh been doing with yourself?
Hugh: So, so much.

Data: (in Picard's voice) Geordi! Shh! We are getting you out of here! But we will have to hurry, Data is coming....
La Forge: I know it's you. The captain uses contractions.
Data: Then I will skip to the part where I fill your brain with electronic fibers.
La Forge: Thank goodness you're here, Captain! Untie me, quick!

Riker: So your individuality swept through the Borg like a virus?
Hugh: As a virus. It came in an email attachment called 1STPRSN.EXE. It left us confused, defenseless, wishing we had some sort of Queen to tell us what to do. Then Lore came.
Worf: And you made him Queen?
Hugh: Yes. He promised that we would be the champions.

Troi: Help! Someone!
Borg Guard: What is it?
Troi: My cellmate is on the floor. I think he's pretending to be unconscious!
Borg Guard: Oh, thinks he can fool me that easily, does he? I'll show hi-- GAK!
Picard: I love how the Borg get stupider every season.

Data: Stop escaping or I'll kill Geordi.
Picard: Rats. Do I have to give back the part I stole from that guard?
Data: No, I didn't see you do that.
Picard: Whew.

Crusher: This was a great idea, hiding from the Borg ship on the opposite side of the planet. They won't notice us for a good minute or so. Start beaming up the leftovers!
Transporter Chief: (over the comm) We can't. They're on the opposite side of the planet.
Crusher: ...Oops.
Transporter Chief: And by the way... "stat"?

Hugh: Lore said he could bring us to a state of perfect artificiality. He's been performing experiments on innocent Borg.
Worf: What innocent Borg?
Riker: (Shh! Diplomacy, diplomacy!) Hugh know, Hugh, Lore will probably perform those experiments on our captured people. Including Geordi, every lone alien's best friend.
Hugh: No! Not Geordi! Come on, I'll show you how to enter the compound.
Worf: Innocent Borg. Riiiight.
Riker: That's it, you're demoted to Ensign.

Taitt: The Borg ship is almost heeeere!
Crusher: Ah, so you admit it's a Borg ship. Progress. Take us out on heading Straight Into, mark The Sun.
Conn Officer: But... but that heading takes us straight into the sun! We'll melt!
Crusher: Oh, I think we'll survive. I have my suspicions.

Picard: There, Geordi says this will make a kedion beam.
Troi: Now we just need a power source.
Picard: I've got it! The force field! (kick)
Troi: Any more bright ideas?

La Forge: So Data... remember the time we went sailing?
Data: I do.
La Forge: Know what you weren't doing then?
Data: What?
La Forge: Sticking electric fibers in my --
Data: Whoa! Weird head vibe. I feel... I feel....
La Forge: More ethical?
Data: I do not know. I will ask Lore what that feels like.
La Forge: He doesn't know either.

Hugh: Good luck rescuing Geordi, Commander Riker.
Riker: Are you sure the resistance can't lend us a hand?
Hugh: You saw those innocent Borg. Half of them don't even have hands anymore.
Worf: (mutters)
Riker: I heard that, Cadet.

Data: Brother, I am experiencing doubts about --
Lore: Sounds like somebody needs a break from the One Chip. (turns it off)
Data: No! I like my emotions! I am afraid to be without them!
Lore: Very well. Wait, aren't liking and fear emotions?
Data: Hmm. You must not have turned it off all the way.

Barnaby: The magical anti-sun shields are holding, but not for much longer.
Crusher: Blast! How do we stop that Borg ship?
Taitt: I have an idea. When they follow us into the sun... we hit them with it!
Crusher: How?
Taitt: I dunno, gravity or something. Leave the technical stuff to me.

Picard: What does Lore want with me?
Data: He said something about target practice. I expect he will send me for an apple shortly.
Picard: You must realize that Lore's orders are wrong, Data. Apples deserve to live free, like the people of Gamma Trianguli VI.
Data: I... I feel....
Picard: More ethical?
Data: Hungry. Stop talking about apples.

Lore: Data, this is your chance to prove yourself to me forever. Kill Picard!
Data: I... I cannot. I am too hungry.
Lore: Very well. Crosis, this is your chance to prove yourself to me forever. Kill Data!
Crosis: I... I cannot.
Lore: Why not?
Crosis: Because I just got shot by the rebels. GAK!

Lore: Come with me, brother! We can escape and start a new life! We'll build a big tower, breed some monsters, the whole bit!
Data: The One Chip has no more power over me, Lore. Captain Picard has shown me the way.
Lore: Whew! Then you surrender, right?
Data: Yes. I will surrender your parts to the Daystrom Institute.
Lore: I love you... brother... but I hate your damned over-literal parsing subroutine....

Picard: Now that Hugh've defeated Lore, the Borg need a new leader. I nominate Hugh, you.
Hugh: Hmmm... I suppose I could be our Omega Male.
Riker: Isn't Alpha Male the highest?
Hugh: Not to us. We worship omega particles.
Riker: Never heard of them. Have you, Captain?
Picard: (hurriedly) No, of course not.

Captain's Log: With Lore out of the picture, it's safe to assume that the Borg will never trouble a Federation starship again. I'll be seeing to it that Dr. Crusher doesn't either.

Data: The chip was damaged in the fight. I am not sure what to do with it.
La Forge: Bet you can't eat it.
Data: Pardon me?
La Forge: Bet you can't eat just the One Chip.
Data: I think we should look into removing the fibers from your brain, Geordi.
La Forge: Whatever you say, floating bowl of Special K.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 29, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Zeke.