Home Prev 5MNG: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute "Unification I"


Captain's Log: Our extremely boring terraforming mission has been cancelled in favor of a super top-secret assignment. While this may be just as boring, I figure a small chance of boring is much more acceptable than a sure shot.

Fleet Admiral Brackett: Our evidence indicates the presence of a Federation defector on Romulus.
Picard: Hmm, sounds boring.
Brackett: It's Spock.
Picard: Fascinating....

Riker: It must suck to have to inform a dying man that his son has betrayed the Federation.
Picard: Indeed. Say, what's that horrible smell?
Riker: That? It's my new cologne formulation. I call it "Willpower".
Picard: (sigh) You're dismissed.
Riker: But I had more to discuss--
Picard: Out!

Riker: For whatever reason, Starfleet thinks we don't have enough going on with the Spock mission, so they gave us a debris-from-some-random-Vulcan-ship mission on the side.
La Forge: Heh. It's as if they think there'll be some sort of correlation between the two at the end of all this.
Riker and La Forge: Hahaha!

Perrin: Here he is. Yelling, smoking, and whistling of Disney theme songs are not permitted. I'll be outside if you need me.
Picard: Thank you. And it's nice to see that sparkly cameo of yours again. (ahem) Sarek of Vulcan, I need to speak with you about Spock.
Sarek: ?"pardeK" ekil ,sdrow esnesnon emos tuoba woH .sdrawkcab gniklat fo tibah eht pu nekat ev'I ,snacluV enasni tsom htiw sA
Picard: Pardek? Is that who Spock went to see?
Sarek: ?"senatoR" fo tros emos ,ma I kniht uoy od tahW .taht ekil ylsuoires em gnikaT .nam ynnuf a er'uoy ,ahaH
Picard: Of course! He went to see Senator Pardek on Romulus! Thanks for all the help buddy. Peace and long life.
Sarek: .dlab era uoy sa lausunu sa era uoY

Captain's Log: Since we need to sneak into Romulan territory undetected, I figure this is as good a time as any to mooch off the Klingons.

Worf: Captain, I have been hailing every Klingon on Qo'noS for three days. So far, I've only gotten one response.
Picard: On screen.
B'iJik: What do you want?
Picard: We need to borrow a cloaked ship. As Gowron's instillation wizard, I figure he owes me a favor.
B'iJik: What makes you think I know Gowron?
Picard: Don't be silly. All Klingons know Gowron.

Crusher: Data, can you remove your ears?
Data: I only have one removable body part. Would you like me to demonstr--
Crusher: Please don't. I understand why I have to recombobulate the captain's face, but shouldn't La Forge be the one to Romulize you?
Data: He is too mired in subplot presently. If you need a hand though, I can give you my right one (removes right hand).
Crusher: I thought you said... oh.

La Forge: Commander, I've examined the wreckage and determined that it came from the T'Pau.
Riker: That old Vulcan high counsel member? Figures. You know I've always favored taking licenses away from older Vulcans.
La Forge: We could talk about that, or we could talk about something relevant. The T'Pau is supposed to be stationed at Qualor II, so I suggest we --
Riker: Can I borrow a quarter?
La Forge: (sigh) No, and the nearest change machine is all the way at Qualor II.
Riker: Helm, set a course for Qualor II -- maximum warp!

K'Vada: Captain, I dislike secrets. What is your business on Romulus?
Picard: Me telling my Klingon chauffer about a classified Federation mission? Ha!
K'Vada: By the way, some "Perrin" lady called.
Picard: What'd she say?
K'Vada: Something about her husband dying. I wasn't really paying attention.

Riker: Enterprise to Supply Depot -- we need to borrow a quarter.
Dakajin: This is the quartermaster. Say what?
Riker: Huh? Quartermaster? Geordi!
Troi: He appears to have quickly rolled past the turbolift doors.
Riker: Damn. We really should stop giving him so many opportunities to practice that.

Dakajin: So, you want me to look up my records on the T'Pau?
Riker: Apparently.
Dakajin: Let's see, according to our database it should be right there.
Troi: I don't see anything.
Dakajin: That's because it's missing. Say, you should see some of the things we confiscate of these ships.
Riker: What? Missing?
Dakajin: Oh look, the Tripoli is missing as well.
Riker: You're missing two whole ships! How can you be so nonchalant about that?
Dakajin: Like I said... you should see some of the things we confiscate off these ships.
Troi: I sense... inebriation.

Data: Fifteen thousand, four hundred and seventy two sheep. Fiftee--
Picard: (yawn) Thank you Data, but I fell asleep six hours ago.
Data: Glad to be of servi-- Captain, your forehead appears to be flattened.
Picard: Curse this steel Klingon bed!
Data: Look on the bright side; it seems we've finally determined the evolutionary significance of Klingon forehead ridges.
Picard: Wonderful.

Worf: Commander, an unidentified combat vessel has appeared and is taking the position assigned to the Tripoli. Scans show its cargo to be mostly weaponry.
Troi: It's probably there to pick up the Tripoli's daily cargo shipments. Right Mr. Dakajin?
Riker: Don't bother, he's too busy waving his hand in front of the LCARS display.
Worf: Targeting enemy vessel....
Enemy Vessel: Ka-Boom!
Troi: Um... did we even fire?
Riker: Apparently, one of its photon bazooka shipments did.
Worf: Aw, and I was prepared to applaud my own willpower.
Riker: (sniff) Have you been using my cologne?

Data: Captain, do you think our disguises are convincing enough to fool the Romulans?
Picard: I don't know. Why don't you step out into the corridor and find out?
Data: I don't see how that will--
Data: I see your point, Captain. Would you mind pulling this Bat'leth out of my back?

Data: Pardek's establishment is right over there.
Picard: He doesn't appear to be home.... Let's get some soup.
Romulan Guard: No soup for you!
Picard: I'm amazed I didn't see that coming.

Pardek: Please excuse my guards, Captain. We had to get you off the streets.
Picard: No worries. He says he's got an armoire I can have.
Pardek: Nice. So what brings you to Romulus?
Picard: Some aging, has-been galactic hero...
Spock: Ahem.
Picard: ...'s first officer. (whew)


Previous fiver: The Game
Next fiver: A Matter of Time


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, IJD GAF.

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Next Generation
___ ___ Season 5
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Unification I"

This fiver was originally published on September 9, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, IJD GAF.