Five-Minute Julius Caesar

by Aragorngirl

Marullus: Grr, I'm so mad at Caesar...Bad Caesar! Caesar killed Pompey!
Flavius: C'mon, let's go do some ancient Roman graffiti.

Soothsayer: Beware the ides of March!
Caesar: No.

Cassius: Brutus, what's wrong?
Brutus: Grr.
Cassius: Brutus, you're so wonderful! Don't be mad!
[People: YAY! YAY #2! YAY #3!]
Brutus: Grr, I bet they're making Caesar king.
Cassius: So, um, you don't want Caesar to be king, hm?
Brutus: Me no like kings.
Cassius: Right, gotcha, bye now. MWAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Casca: It's raining! Wah, I wanna go home! This is scary!
Cicero: Wimp.
Casca: Maybe so, but I know something you don't know!
Cassius: What?
Casca: They're gonna make Caesar king!
Cassius: Not if I get there first....
Casca: Ooo, whatcha gonna do?
Cinna: Y'know, if we could get Brutus to help, we could kill --
Cassius: YES, exactly. Give him these letters.

Brutus: Hm. Me like Caesar. Me no like kings. Should me kill King Caesar? Hmmmm....
Lucius: You've Got Mail!
Brutus: Hmm, it says Brutus should kill King Caesar. Hmmm....
Lucius: You've Got Visitors!
Brutus: Hmm...people come who want Brutus to kill King Caesar...hmmm....

Cassius: Are you going to help us kill Caesar? If you don't, he'll be the star of the play and not you.
Brutus: Hmm, yes. Me kill King Caesar.
Cassius: Good. Y'know, after we kill him, I think we should cut him up, and mangle him, and eat his entrails, and then maybe we should kill Anthony, and --
Brutus: No, that's too disgusting. Then it would be too much like an X-Files episode.

Portia: Why are you acting so weird?
Brutus: Ha! Me know something you don't know!
Portia: I'll poke my eyes out if you don't tell me! I'm very smart, you know.
Brutus: Me tell you tomorrow.

Calpurnia: I don't think you should go to the Senate today. I had a bad dream.
Caesar: No, I better go. Your bad dream probably meant I'm stronger and braver then you and I should go to the Senate today.

Artemidorus: I'll give this letter to Caesar...it says not to go near the bad guys.

Portia: Go!
Lucius: Go where, ma'am?
Portia: I can't remember, I'm too ditzy! Um, go see how Brutus is, yes, that sounds good.

Artemidorus: Read my letter, Caesar, read my letter!
Caesar: If I do that, I won't die heroically, and we won't have a plot.

Brutus: You should be nice to Cimber.
Caesar: Why?
(Everyone stabs Caesar; Brutus last, mostly because he's so slow he couldn't figure out what they were doing till they were all done)
Caesar: umm, um, shoot, I always have trouble with this line, umm, script, script, umm, ah, yes, "Et tu Brute?" dang, I hate Latin.... (dies)
Conspirators: Ha ha, we did it, we did it, we did it!

Servant: Can Anthony come in or will you kill him, too?
Brutus: Me already say, me no want this to be the X-Files! Us only kill King Caesar!

Anthony: Omigods, they killed Caesar! WAH!
Cassius: Anthony, will you be my friend?
Anthony: Oh, um, sure! Me wuv you, Cassius, even though you killed my best friend!
Brutus: You can make a speech at the funeral if you say we're nice.

Anthony: I swear I didn't mean it, Caesar! They're not my friends, you are, forever and ever!

Brutus: Me kill King Caesar because me think kings bad. But you should vote for me in next election!
Anthony: Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! No, not that many! Ow! That hurt! STOP THROWING YOUR EARS AT ME! Oh, and by the way, Brutus sucks, vote for me. OW!

Cinna: Hi, my name is Cinna, I'm an alcoholic.
Citizens: Kill him! He murdered Caesar!
Cinna: No! That wasn't me! THAT WAS A DIFFERENT CINNA! AAAAH!

Anthony: We have to kill him, and him, and him, and him....

Brutus: Me wonder if Cassius still likes me....
Cassius: Let's talk without all the soldiers listening.

Cassius: You don't like me anymore!
Brutus: No, you no like me! You didn't give me any money from the bribes you took.
Cassius: Ummmm...If you keep talking like that I'll kill myself!
Brutus: Nooooooooooooo! Don't do that! Me sorry, Cassius!

Cassius: So how's your wife doing?
Brutus: She's dead.
Cassius: Bummer, dude.

Brutus: Me think us should attack.
Cassius: No! We shouldn't! I didn't think of it first, so we shouldn't!

Ghost of Caesar: You're gonna die! You're gonna die!
Brutus: Aw, crap.

Brutus: Get ready to go to battle.
Anthony: Ready to go kill people?

Brutus' Army: Fight fight fight, kill kill kill, la la la....
Anthony's Army: Fight fight fight, kill kill kill, la la la....

Messala: I think you should know, they're winning. And Cassius is dead.
Brutus: Dangit.

Brutus: Crap, we lost. Goodbye, cruel world! Hello, cruel Caesar!
Antony: He was nice, even if he did kill Caesar.


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This fiver was originally published on March 25, 2001.

UN-DISCLAIMER: Nothing here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures, and Will Shakespeare is long dead. Ergo, no disclaimers are necessary. In their faces.

All material © 2001, Aragorngirl.