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Five-Minute "Rage"

by Derek Dean

liver: Yeah, me too.

Victim: Help! Help! Somebody SAAAAAAAAVE me!
Green Arrow: Here I come to save the... er, night!
Mugger #1: GAK!
Green Arrow: Well, my work here is -- wait, Mugger #1?
Mugger #2: Yep.
Mugger #2: And instead of finishing you off -- even though I have no reason not to -- I think I'll just go now.

Ma Kent: Well, who are we going to invite for Thanksgiving this year?
Clark: Um, isn't it a bit early for Thanksgiving?
Ma Kent: Clark, of all the inaccuracies on this show, why this one?

Lois: So I was with Oliver last night and took off all my clothes, and guess what? He took off!
Clark: All his clothes?
Lois: No... he took off.

Lana: I want to work with violent criminals.
Lex: Um, no.
Lana: Gah! Why does everyone treat me as if I'm just some helpless female?
Lex: Because it's here in the show's character profiles: "LANA LANG - The show's quintessential helpless female. Must always be captured or threatened or become pregnant in every episode."
Lana: Where did you even get -- Wait, read that last part again?

Clark: I heard you got shot last night.
Oliver: I'm only "shot" from a hard night's work.
Clark: No, I heard you got shot shot.
Oliver: Hey, I was fighting crime! Why don't you give that a shot?!
Clark: You just broke your shotglass and cut your hand.
Oliver: Why don't you leave, so I can give myself a shot.
Clark: Um, um, "okay, hotshot!"
Oliver: Weak.

Oliver: Hey doc, your miracle cure drug works great. I've been using it on myself.
Doctor: I don't think you should. The drug glows green and works on your rage. I think it'll make you the Incredible Hulk.

Lana: Chloe, can you find out about the halfway house Lex started? He says he doesn't want me there because I'm the helpless female, but -- Oooooh! (THUMP!)
Chloe: Hm. Fainting for no apparent reason. Definitely a symptom of being the show's helpless female.

Oliver: Should I be listed as Oliver or Green Arrow here?
Lois: Take this, Green Filth!
Green Arrow: Well, definitely not that, but let's table this discussion for now.
Table: Crash!

Clark: Hi, Lois. I'd pretend to be concerned about you, but really I want to know about Green Arrow and/or Oliver.
Lois: That's okay. I'm used to that.

Doctor: Because I have a delayed sense of ethics, I'm going to destroy my miracle cure.
Lex: And because you have a delayed sense of sense, you're telling me this before you destroy it.
Doctor: Right. Wait, what?

Clark: Lana? Have you seen Lex? I -- what's wrong?
Lana: Clark, do you ever wish you could go back in time and do things over?
Clark: What? Lana, I would never use the timeline so irresponsibly! I would never go back and, say, unpropose to you, or spin the Earth backwards to save Lois from an earthquake, or -- Oh, you're being hypothetical, aren't you? Never mind.

Green Arrow: Sign this paper that turns over all your assets to various charities!
Lex: Oh yeah, that'll be legally binding. By the way, DIE!
Gun: BANG!
Arrow: WHIZZ!
Clark: NOOOOOO! I wasn't able to be the hero by standing in between the shots! Oh, and Lex is dead. Darn.
Oliver: Yeah, let me finish him off to be sure!
Clark: No, I have a code against killing, so I will saaaaaaaaave him with this serum.

Clark: So, drug-free now?
Oliver: Yes, I've learned that drugs are bad. I just wanted to be unique like you.
Clark: Have you watched this show? You're one of the only people without superpowers/mutations.

Lana: I'm pregnant.
Chloe: What a shock.

Chloe: So it looks like a guy from the halfway house was responsible for destroying the lab.
Clark: I think Lex is behind it.
Chloe: You think Lex is behind everything. Behind the lab destruction, behind the kryptonite research, behind the bookshelf --
Lex: (from behind bookshelf) I'll be going now.

Clark: Thank you everyone for coming to Thanksgiving. We have a tradition around here where we say what we're thankful for --
Ma Kent: I'm thankful being state senator doesn't mean I ever have to do anything.
Chloe: I'm thankful I didn't have to put up with Jimmy this week.
Oliver: I'm thankful no one's figured out I'm Green Arrow.
Lois: I'm thankful -- you're WHO?
Lionel: I'm thankful my real motivations are still somewhat ambiguous.
Clark: -- BUT I was going to say we weren't going to do that this year. Thanks, everyone.
(Thanksgiving dinner gets eaten at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 8, 2007.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2007, Derek Dean.