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Five-Minute "That Which Survives"

by Derek Dean

Kirk: So what exactly's so impossible about this little planet here?
Spock: It's far too young for everything to be as evolved as it is. Almost as if something created it.
Kirk: A Genesis planet, eh? Better beam down before it breaks up.

Kirk: Looking forward to beaming down to explore the planet with us, Lieutenant... uh, ...
D'Amato: D'Amato, sir.
Kirk: Right. Well, let's beam down unless there are any objections.
Losira: No, wait!
Kirk: Too late!

Kirk: See? It's already breaking up.
D'Amato: I don't think it's actually a Genesis planet, sir. I mean, the Genesis project hasn't even been started yet.
Kirk: Look T'omato, or whatever your name is, I'm the Captain here and if I say it's a Genesis planet, then it's a Genesis planet, understood?
D'Amato: Sir, there isn't even any protomatter.
Kirk: I have had enough of you!

Rahda: Sir, one of our planets is missing!
Spock: Not the one with the away team on it?
Rahda: I'm afraid so, sir.
Spock: Woohoo! Captain at last!

Kirk: Enterprise? Enterprise? Hm. No answer.
Sulu: I'm not detecting the Enterprise in orbit. Are you certain you didn't activate the self-destruct before beaming down?
Kirk: Well, not certain.
Sulu: Perfect. Juuuuust perfect.

Rahda: Sir? According to the position of the stars, we're 1000 lightyears from where we were!
Scotty: Time for you to give a big inspiring speech, Spock.
Spock: No.
Rahda: Oo, I'm so inspired.

Kirk: So has anyone found food or water?
Sulu: Nope.
Kirk: Well, then I guess it's time to resort to cannibalism.
McCoy: Jim, you can't serious!
Kirk: Uh, no. I was just kidding. Anyway, I suggest we, uh, split up. Y'amato, you go over there by that darkened pass in the shadow of that mountain.

Sulu: (over the comm) Captain, I'm getting some strange scans, like a door is opening and closing.
Kirk: Not so loud, Sulu. He might overhear me.

D'Amato: Was that a communicator I just heard?
Losira: That not important. I am for you, Lieutenant D'Amato.
D'Amato: A metamorph? Sweet. But how do you know my name? Have you been talking to my friends?
Losira: Trust me on this. They're not your friends.

Kirk: McCoy! Sulu! I found D'Amato dead!
Sulu: "Found" him dead, sir?
Kirk: No, it wasn't me, I swear.
Sulu: Riiiight. But since he's dead, no use in him going to waste, right?
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, I'm am offended at your insinuation. Offended!

Kirk: Since my phaser can't dig a hole in the ground, I made this mound of rocks to bury D'Amato.
Sulu: He is underneath them all, isn't he, sir?
Kirk: As far as you know.

Scotty: Spock, one of my redshirts has been killed. And just before he died he screamed about a strange woman being aboard!
Spock: All hands, round up all the women on the ship and have them strip-searched.
Scotty: Kinda overboard, don't you think?
Spock: Yes, but it is the Captain's standing order.

McCoy: It's getting late. We should get to sleep.
Kirk: Agreed. Sulu, you stand watch.
McCoy: I just hope I can sleep over the growling of my stomach.
Kirk: Burp. I mean, um, yeah, growling.

Losira: I am for you, Sulu.
Sulu: Stand back, woman. Stand back, I say!
Kirk: What's all this -- hey there, baby. You new here?
Losira: I need to touch Sulu.
Kirk: I'll do you one better: I'll let you touch me. But watch out -- I touch back.
Losira: I'm leaving now.

Spock: Mr. Scott, I must congratulate you on how fast the ship is going. Please tell me it's intentional.
Scotty: If by "intentional" you mean "sabotage", then yes. We may not be able to stop.
Spock: No worries. We can just use the kemacite in our cargo hold.
Scotty: We're out of kemacite.
Spock: Crap.

Scotty: Trying to fix things in this crawlway sucks.
Spock: Maybe it's just you that sucks; ever think of that?

Losira: I am for you, James Kirk.
Kirk: I bet you're a copy of the woman that left you here, aren't you? And it's such a perfect copy that you don't really want to kill me, do you?
Losira: What makes you say that, Kirk-unit?

Kirk: Okay, these doorlike readings must mean there's a real door.
McCoy: There's really no reason to assume that there's an actual --
Door: OPEN!
McCoy: Never mind.

Losira 1: I am for you, Kirk.
Losira 2: I am for you, McCoy.
Losira 3: I am for you, Sulu.
Kirk: Three women? This should be a happy occasion! Let's not argue and bicker about who needs to kill who.

Transporter: WHINE!
Kirk: Quick, Spock! Destroy the computer!
Losiras: POOF!
Kirk: Well, that should be the end of --
Losira: And now a speech: Friends, Kalandans, Countrymen, lend me your ears....
Kirk: How is this being displayed if we just destroyed the computer?
Spock: Not a clue.
(Losira's speech continues on at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 16, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.