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Five-Minute "The Changeling"


Uhura: I'm not picking up any signals.
Kirk: Really? I was under the impression that women could read a man like a book.
Uhura: Signals from the Malurian system. Not you.
Spock: I'm not reading any lifeforms in the entire system. It appears that one of our planets is missing.
Kirk: Right. So you're saying what, exactly?
Spock: (sigh) I'd explain the obvious, but I already have in my bestselling novel, The Obvious: Explained.
Kirk: Blast! If only I were a woman, I could read it!

Scotty: We've just been sucker punched by some unknown force.
Spock: It hit with the power of 90 of our photon torpedoes. We'll lose our shields in another three hits.
Spock: Two hits.
Kirk: You mean we could withstand a barrage of 930 torpedoes?
Spock: One more hit. And your grasp of mathematics is atrocious.
Kirk: Nine times three plus four is -- wait, I forgot the order of operations.
Spock: Shields are down. How about a course of action, already?
Kirk: Right, that. Hit it Uhura. (ahem) I am Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise. But you can call me T-Bone. By the way, I'm single.
Spock: (sigh) Brace for impact, everyone.

Uhura: We're picking up a signal from the attacking force. The same word over and over... "Repeat".
Spock: Fascinating. I believe they must be talking to themselves, commanding themselves to repeat what they just said -- "repeat". I can only assume they're stuck in an infinite feedback loop, doomed to repeat "repeat" forever.
Kirk: Or, they just want me to repeat my personal ad over and over.
Spock: Sir, I highly doubt it.
Kirk: Strange vessel, this is James T. Kirk of the Enterprise. I'd like to give a shout-out to--
Nomad: (over the comm) Greetings Kirk. I am Nomad. You were indeed correct in repeating your message. I can only assume you are an extremely logical being. Permission to beam aboard your vessel?
Kirk: Of course! Woo, did you hear that Spock? I'm logical!
Spock: What was that? I'm sorry; I can't hear you over my illogical seething.

Scotty: The alien vessel is only a meter long. I'm locking onto the whole thing, just because I can.
(Nomad beams aboard)
Kirk: I've been hitting on tiny space chicks?
McCoy: Looks like a robot to me.
Scotty: I'll say. It just leaked oil on the transporter pad.
Nomad: I require star charts.
Spock: Jim, that book isn't canon. If we show it to him, the data may be contradicted in future episodes!
Kirk: It's a risk we'll have to take.

Kirk: This is our system. I doubt you recognize it, so--
Nomad: Sol system. Nine planets. Your point of origin is the third.
Kirk: Crap.
Nomad: Indeed, you must be the creator.
Kirk: Is that a good thing?
Spock: Of course it is. Nomad, would you excuse us for a moment? Thanks.

Spock: Captain, you will recall a probe called Nomad launched from Earth in the twenty-first century?
Kirk: No I won't.
Spock: Well, I believe this is the same probe, though its programming has been changed. Instead of seeking out new life, it is seeking out perfect logic and destroying anything less.
McCoy: Sounds like it collided with a Vulcan.
Spock: I also believe it is confusing the captain with its creator, Roykirk.
McCoy: Or maybe Kirk Douglass.
Kirk: Or Ole Kirk Christiansen, inventor of the LEGO.
McCoy: Or Southern Gospel talent Kirk Talley.
Kirk: Or Congressman Mark Steven Kirk, 10th District Illinois.
McCoy: Or--
Spock: (sigh) Why do I bother?
Kirk: Because without you, surely our irresponsibility would result in the ship's destruction.

Uhura: Lalala! La la!
Nomad: Explain the meaning of this noise.
Uhura: Um... "la"?
Nomad: Insufficient response. Engaging brain reformatter.
Uhura: Ack!
Scotty: Just what do you think you're-- GAK!

McCoy: He's--
Kirk: --dead, Jim. Gotcha.
Nomad: Do you wish me to repair him?
McCoy: Now wait just a minute you tin-plated--
Kirk: (shrugs) Go ahead.
Nomad: Beep.
Scotty: Jus' wha in deblazes--
McCoy: Just calm down until your lack-of-textual-accent returns.

Kirk: What did you do to Uhura?
Uhura: Who's Uhura?
Nomad: Her memory has been erased. I cannot restore it.
Kirk: Great, it'll take years to reeducate her!
McCoy: Nah. I'll just make tapes repeating "Hailing frequencies open, sir" to play in her sleep.

Spock: I'm not getting anywhere with these scans. I'm going to have to--
Kirk: -- perform a mind meld. Gotcha.
Nomad: I will permit it.
Spock: Our minds are one, yadda yadda.
Nomad: Beep.
Spock: Beep.
Nomad: Beep.
Spock: Beep.
Nomad: Beep
Spock: Be--
Kirk: Nomad, release him you (beep)!

Uhura: (reading) I'm... re..re..ceeving... an... in...coming... mess..age...Cap...tane
Chapel: Cap. Ten. Captain. Very good!
Uhura: You're a great teacher, Christine.
Chapel: Why thank you. You're a good student... um... Lieutenant.

Kirk: What did you learn from the mind meld, Spock?
Spock: Be--
Spock: (ahem) Between Nomad's launch and our encounter, it collided with an alien probe programmed to sterilize soil samples. Though I have no idea how that explains its ridiculously god-like powers.
Kirk: Perhaps the data was referring to the advanced soil-sample peoples of--
Kirk: Ow.

Scotty: Woohoo! I've died and gone to engineering!
Nomad: (upon entering) Detecting inferior technology. Must upgrade exponentially.
Engineer: Warp 9...Warp 10... Warp 11...
Scotty: Hooray! Utopian bliss for all!
Spock: (upon entering with Kirk) The ship is about to crack.
Kirk: Nomad, please stop. It's time you learned something about your creator. I'm a human with imperfections and with emotion. Picture the logical dilemma you're in now.
Nomad: Non sequitur. I must take time to integrate this new data.
Kirk: Do that. In the meantime, you'd better hang out with these well-trained security professionals.
Redshirt 1: Dude look at that floating, odd thing.
Redshirt 2: Sweet!

Captain's Log: Spock says it was stupid to tell Nomad the truth. After my witty retort about his ability to handle the truth, I don't remember much between Spock's hand on my shoulder and my waking up to record this log entry.

Kirk: Kirk to Sickbay, do you have any Advil?
McCoy: (over the comm) ...blasted bucket of bolts and circuits, what the--
Kirk: I'll be right there.

McCoy: It busted in, accessed your medical files, and left.
Kirk: Oh no! What embarrassing knowledge might it have obtained?
McCoy: Do you think it knows about your--
Spock: (ahem) It's down in Engineering right now. Doing Surak knows what. And one of us here has a way with talking to the computers.
Kirk: Right, of course. Ladies and Linux tremble before me both.

Kirk: Nomad, I order you to turn life support back on.
Nomad: Your subunits are obviously inferior. They fired at me with zero provocation.
Kirk: Yeah, they'll do that. So you must destroy everything that's inferior, correct?
Nomad: Correct.
Kirk: I submit that I am inferior. I created you. Therefore I submit that you are inferior. Furthermore, I submit that I didn't actually create you. I did make a Nomad out of hair gel and pine cones once. And it was inferior. Therefore, you are inferior for confusing yourself with that gooey child of my imagination those many years ago.
Nomad: A logical conclusion, arrived at by logical means.
Spock: (BOOM)
Nomad: Oh, right. Did you want me to explode?
Kirk: Maybe you'd better fix Spock first.

Kirk: Hooray! Kirk has saved the day once again!
McCoy: And Uhura's reeducation has progressed remarkably.
Uhura: Hailing frequencies open.
Kirk: Excellent. And Spock seems to be in working order.
Spock: Ow, my head....
Kirk: What about Scotty?
Scotty: (over the comm) I ran out of God to drink. Somebody get me some more Romulan Ale to worship. Hic.
McCoy: Sounds like he thinks he's in Heave-- uh oh. Didn't anyone tell him he's been brought back to life?
Kirk: Heh, oh well. Tomorrow morning, he'll think he's in Hell for sure.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 23, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, IJD GAF.