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Five-Minute "The Naked Time"

by Derek Dean

Captain's Log: After reviewing today's episode title, I'm highly looking forward to this mission. Maybe these scientists on this breaking-up planet will all be female.

Spock: The scientists have all been turned into ice cubes.
Joe: These crewmen too. Can you imagine how it feels to be frozen like that?
Spock: All too well. Oh wait, did you mean physically?

McCoy: The away team seems to check out okay. None of them wanted to get naked.
Kirk: They're both male, so I'll let it pass.
Joe: Oh, sir, it was terrible! They just lay down and died. It must've been the Pax!

Kirk: So let me get this straight, none of the scientists were naked?
Spock: Sorry, Captain. They were all dead.
Kirk: Curses. But wait, there was somebody in the shower!
Spock: Fully clothed.
Kirk: Drat.

Sulu: I'm taking up fencing because it goes so well with my rapier wit.
Riley: You already know I don't care about fencing. You just want me to act as a foil.
Sulu: Touché.
Riley: Sigh. Joe, please change subjects. Now.
Joe: I'm thinking of stabbing myself.
Sulu: See? Joe's interested in fencing. Will you use a thrust or a parry?
Sulu: This scene quickly became non-funny.

Sulu: I'm bored at work.
Riley: You could try writing a parody.
Sulu: Nah. What kind of losers would do that?

Spock: What the --? Where did Sulu go?
Riley: I don't know! He just disappeared.
Spock: You lost Sulu? I don't see...? You know what -- I don't care. Let's move on.
Riley: But I'm Irish!
Spock: ....Excellent point. Why don't you go to Sickbay?

Riley: Here, I've got this sticky sap-like stuff all over my hands. Let me rub it on you.
Chapel: Ew. Are you five? What possessed you to do something like that?
Riley: I'm just a big sap at heart.

Sulu: Ha ha! With my blade, I'm just like one of the three musketeers. Like Aramis, or Athos, or... or...
Crewman: Porthos?
Sulu: No thanks. I already ate.

Riley: (over the comm) Hi Captain! I've taken over Engineering!
Kirk: Darnit. Is anybody going to get naked? Am I the only one who read the episode's title?
Riley: If you'd like, I can make a shipwide order....
Kirk: Meh. Couldn't hurt.

Spock: Doctor? Doctor McCoy? Oh, it's you, Chapel.
Chapel: "Oh, it's you, Chapel"? Whatever happened to "Hellooooo, Nurse"?!
Spock: I've never said that.
Chapel: Come on, Spock. Don't even Vulcans need someone to play doctor with?
Spock: Uh... no. Definitely not. Ever.

Kirk: Ha! Now that we've retaken Engineering, we can get out of here, right?
Scotty: Not so much. The engines are off and it takes half an hour to turn them back on.
Kirk: And when you say half an hour, you do mean seven and a half minutes, right?
Scotty: Right, but we're still screwed.
Kirk: Well, fix it anyway and then you can reminisce about this scene on TNG.
Scotty: Okay, okay....

Sulu: Hey, my head's clearing! What was in that hypo, Doc?
McCoy: A bezoar.
Sulu: Thank goodness for 23rd century medicine!

Spock: Sniff. Rosebud!
Kirk: Spock, *SLAP* out of it!
Spock: That's snap out of it, Jim.
Kirk: Oh. Right. Sorry.

Kirk: Oh, Enterprise! I love you. You are just like a woman.
Enterprise: Okay, that's just disturbing.
Kirk: But I need you! It's love! Now please get naked for me.
Enterprise: Um, Starfleet? Can I have a new captain?

Spock: Cold start the engines.... now!
Planet: CRACK!
....dniweR :esirpretnE
Kirk: What's happening? Is it more magic?
Spock: Yes. If you knew the deeper magic, you'd know that when the planet cracked, time itself would start working backwards.

Spock: We have travelled three days into the past.
Kirk: Then we'll make great time to our next destination. Set a course!
Spock: Shouldn't we maybe go back to the planet and save those scientists?
Kirk: Nahhh....
(The Enterprise warps out at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 18, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.