This Just In
ISSUE #1 APRIL 22, 2001

Five-Minute Voyager purchased by Microsoft
by Zeke

OTTAWA, CANADA - The online Star Trek fan community was rocked today by the news that "Five-Minute Voyager," a parody website, had been purchased by well-known heartless multinational conglomerate Microsoft.

In a press conference earlier today, "Zeke," the website's former owner, announced the details of the buyout and expressed regret at the loss of his creation. "It is with great sadness that I leave 5MV behind," he said. "It is my brainchild and I am very proud of it. However, you can't say no to 47 billion dollars. Well, you could, but you'd be a moron."

Mr. Zeke proceeded to explain some of his plans for spending this sum, including the assembly of an army of jet-propelled raccoons.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates was satisfied with the arrangement. "After all, 47 billion dollars is chump change to me," Mr. Gates explained. "I could pay 47 billion dollars for the newspaper every morning and come out ahead."

When asked about the site's future under its new management, Mr. Gates was optimistic: "Frankly, I think Zeke completely bungled that thing. I mean, where are the frames? Where's the blinking text? Where are the clashing backgrounds and unreadable fonts? Not Microsoft-level web design here, folks. It's no wonder he only got 60 hits a day instead of 60 million." In future, Mr. Gates stated, the site would be viewable only in Internet Explorer.

Public reaction to the announcement was mixed.

"It came as a big shock," commented reviewer Caillan Davenport. "I never thought Zeke would sell out like that. Shame on him."

"Zeke is a mindless simpleton," agreed a shadowy figure calling himself Lord Amothus. "For that matter, Microsoft is also full of mindless simpletons. Those two deserve each other."

"What does this have to do with P/T?" inquired fan Pamela Blotnicky.

"The real question," observed a mysterious Romulan who did not identify herself, "is what's going to happen to the guest fivers. I for one am worried about what Gates will do with mine." The Romulan continued to drone on.

"I hate Microsoft, but Zeke was worse," said basher Julianna Feigl. "At least Microsoft doesn't make cruel jokes about Tuvok. If you were stuck on a crap show with no continuity playing a character who never got any screentime while talentless losers like Beltran got the attention, how would you feel about people like Zeke making fun of you all the time? I say we kill the slimebag and give all his stuff to Tim Russ!"

In response to the criticisms, Mr. Zeke has issued a public statement: "Bite me."

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Copyright 2001, Colin Hayman. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. This disclaimer has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.