This Just In
ISSUE #2 APRIL 29, 2001

Nausicaans at large?
by Zeke

OTTAWA, CANADA - Paramount Pictures has come under fire today following reports that Five-Minute Voyager webmaster "Zeke" was attacked by a group of Nausicaans, an alien species previously thought to be fictional.

"I was just walking around campus minding my own business," explained Mr. Zeke, "when suddenly five or six Nausicaans jumped out of nowhere and whaled the tar out of me. They weren't armed, but man, they were nasty. And they had lots of least six each."

On the suggestion that he had perhaps imagined or hallucinated the vicious creatures, Mr. Zeke commented, "Nuh-uh. I know my Trek aliens. These were gen-you-wine Nausicaans. And that's spelled with two As, remember."

Mr. Zeke was admitted to the emergency ward this morning, having sustained injuries described by the nurse as "superficial." She proceeded to describe the patient himself as "an annoying little whiner. He probably just fell down the stairs."

A Paramount press conference later in the day addressed the issue. Rick Berman, executive producer of the overweeningly-large Trek industry, made a blunt statement: "There is absolutely, positively no such thing as a Nausicaan. Honest." At this point Brannon Braga, another Trek high-up, exhibited a confused expression and said to Mr. Berman, "There isn't? But you told me they were based on a true--"

Mr. Berman immediately levelled Mr. Braga with an impressive right hook.

When asked for comment, several members of the Trek community expressed concern. "Nausicaans? That's terrible!" exclaimed fan Roz. "Poor Zeke! Assuming he didn't just fall down the stairs, of course, in which case he's pathetic."

"This is appalling," stated evil clown Bozo. "Does anyone remember that bought-out-by-Microsoft thing? Didn't think so. Somebody just punched the old Zeke Reset Button, hmm? Continuity means nothing, nothing to you people."

"I don't really have anything to say, I just wanted to get quoted," observed generic guy Justin O'Neill.

"I wish I could say I sympathize," commented parodist Janet Smith, "but this has eliminated my competition. Score!"

"I've sent Zeke a get-well card," said Five-year-old Trek fan Marika. "And I wrote in blue like this. Et je l'ai écrit en français comme ça."

Mr. Zeke has expressed thanks for the card and denied all speculation about a stair-falling incident. "I haven't denied all speculation, you idiot," added the webmaster. "I've denied that the speculation is right. There's a difference." This reporter now considers Mr. Zeke an annoying pedant, but that's off the record.

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Copyright 2001, Colin Hayman. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. It was Nausicaans, not stairs. Nausicaans!