This Just In
ISSUE #3 MAY 6, 2001

Zeke sues Paramount
by Zeke

In a press conference today, Five-Minute Voyager webmaster "Zeke" announced his intention to sue Paramount Pictures for copyright infringement.

"The evidence is all there," stated Mr. Zeke. "Just watch the recent Voyager episode 'Author, Author' and listen to Paris's line in Act Two: 'This man will be dead in five minutes if I don't operate.' Hear that? 'Five minutes'? I demand justice."

This reporter promptly handed Mr. Zeke a videocassette on which the Next Generation episode "Justice" had been recorded. In the interests of keeping This Just In a family newspaper, the webmaster's response will not be repeated here.

Jeice O. Garricker, Mr. Zeke's attorney, was recently reached for comment. "I don't think this will be any trouble at all," observed Mr. Garricker, whose middle name is rumoured to be Odo. "Hey, why did you mention that?" he added. "Those rumours are completely unfounded and have no place in a serious newspaper. Also, I believe at least one of my parents was inebriated at the time of my birth."

"Anyway," continued the barrister, "while it's true that the phrase 'five minutes' is not officially trademarked under Zeke's name, copyright law is very clear on the fact that original works are implicitly copyrighted to their creators. Therefore, ever since Zeke created the site last year, everyone who has used the words 'five minutes' has infringed on his rights and should be paying royalties. I know I just used them a second ago, but I'm authorized. I think."

According to Mr. Garricker, Paramount's only legal loophole is that the copyright laws apply only to persons. "It is a questionable point," he admitted, "but I think that a few good witnesses will be enough to convince the court that Zeke is a person. Or an artist, at least."

Mr. Zeke has once again made waves in Trek fandom with this announcement. "I'm with Zeke all the way," observed Sarah "Marill" Walton. "If Paramount can go around using his phrases, who knows who the next target will be? Could be you. Yes, you." (Here Ms. Walton was pointing at associate Morgan "Raichu" Jameson, who rolled her eyes in response.)

"Zeke's trying to sue Paramount?" said writer/reviewer Mary "monkee" Wiecek. "Gee, that'll work. Besides, he wrote an article in favour of C/7! Down with him! Burn, baby, burn!"

"Why do you think I care?" inquired actor Mel Gibson.

"A lawsuit?" asked fan BQ. "Yeah, I hope he wins, yada yada. Now enough about him. Are you single?"

"THERE...ARE...FOUR...LIGHTS!" screamed fictional character Jean-Luc Picard.

Official responses have been mixed: Paramount Pictures has not yet returned a comment, but parent company Viacom was heard laughing maniacally. According to its executives, this is normal.

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Copyright 2001, Colin Hayman. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved, especially the right to reproduce the phrase "five minutes."