This Just In
ISSUE #4 MAY 13, 2001

Beltran slams Five-Minute Voyager
by Zeke

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA - In another of his many searing interviews, Robert Beltran has expressed his strong dislike for the website Five-Minute Voyager.

"The writers, frankly, are idiots," observed Mr. Beltran, who theoretically plays Commander Chakotay on Star Trek: Voyager. "Just look at these scripts. All the lines are out of character, there's no interesting plot material, continuity is completely absent...I mean, come on, would Chakotay really go around reciting scores like 'Chakotay 1, Tuvok 0' all the time?"

"You'll hear some people claim that there is continuity, but they're idiots too," continued the alleged actor. "Most of them point to the scene in 'Homestead' where Neelix mentions his $30 debt to B'Elanna from 'Workforce,' or the fact that Janeway calls Chakotay 'traitorous Maquis insurgent man' in both 'Caretaker' and 'Shattered.' But that's not continuity, it's name-dropping masquerading as continuity. What crap."

When asked what he would consider continuity, Mr. Beltran replied, "Next question."

The Voyager regular was then asked what advice he would give the writers of the upcoming Trek series Enterprise. "Die," he replied. "They're the same guys who did Voyager, right? My advice is that they should all die horrible, horrible deaths. I'll help. And that goes for whoever's going to do Five-Minute Enterprise too."

In closing, Mr. Beltran made several sweeping generalizations. "All sci-fi is pure, unadulterated garbage. Anyone who watches or reads it is a lamer with no intelligence and no life. (Most other people suck too, of course.) Anyone who writes sci-fi is an evil demon from the netherworld, and I mean that quite literally. Don't think demons exist? Read this website. Anybody who spews as much crap at the public as these writers do can't have any shred of humanity. I'll bet they shot the sheriff too. The road to hell is paved with the kind of infernal suckitude you can find at Five-Minute Voyager."

The interview has raised one of Mr. Beltran's usual storms of controversy.

"What the heck...?" wondered perplexed 5MV webmaster Zeke. "The slacker is attacking my site now? And what's this about continuity and pl--oh, I get it! He actually thinks I do serious sci-fi! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, that's rich...."

"I've considered Voyager a very positive experience, and you get what you put into something like this," observed castmate Kate Mulgrew. "That same principle applies in the case of certain cast members who spend most of their time complaining instead of acting and whose initials are Robert Beltran. Naming no names, of course."

"Beltran said it? It must be right, then," stated ATVSTVer Natalie "Wickeddoll."

"Beltran said it? It must be wrong, then," stated ATVSTVer Arlie "Arlie."

"Normally I'd take a side," commented actor Robert Picardo, "but my understanding is that Zeke goes by his second name, and his real first name is Robert. That changes everything. We Roberts can't afford to fight among ourselves when we're so unjustly treated by non-Roberts. Have you noticed that only three of the nine Voyager regulars are Roberts? This is a case of the infamous 'one-third rule.' Non-Roberts are not comfortable in environments where Roberts make up more than one third of the population. To shatter this glass ceiling, we have to stand united. So break it up, guys!"

Mr. Beltran's plans for further interviews are unknown. This reporter, however, intends to publish the novelization of the above under the title Interview With The Woodpile.

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Copyright 2001, Colin Hayman. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. Less-than-mobile actors take note.