This Just In
ISSUE #5 MAY 20, 2001

Zeke tempted by Dark Side
by Zeke

OTTAWA, CANADA - In a surprising and strategically absurd move, the infamous Dark Side is focusing its attention on winning over Five-Minute Voyager webmaster "Zeke."

"It's really quite simple," commented Dark Side spokesman Joe Black. "Zeke's site is becoming reasonably popular in Voyager fandom, which makes it a good starting point for our forces. Once we control as large a group as that, we'll have a pretty solid foothold in the world so we can begin corrupting the rest of humanity with our scary evil. Zeke already spends his time making fun of things in crude parodies, so we won't have too much work to do in converting him to the Dark Side."

"We've sent various evil beings to open the negotations with Zeke," added Mr. Black. "These include the Headless Horseman, the Jersey Devil, several bogeymen, Catbert, and the guy who blows the big horn in those Ricola commercials."

When asked about his organization's goals, Mr. Black explained: "Our basic plan is to plant little seeds of evil in the minds of all readers of this site. Metaphorically, these evil seeds will blossom into evil geraniums that will be pollinated by the mighty bees of evil, spreading their evilness across the land. In doing this, we hope to follow up on the success of our previous evil ploys, such as the animé craze, McDonald's, and the HTML tag that makes scrolling marquees. We may even outdo the greatest Dark Side coup in history: Survivor."

Mr. Zeke himself was recently contacted on the issue. "Yeah, they dropped by yesterday," he said. "I got rid of them as soon as I could manage, though I did have to give them each a cracker for politeness' sake."

"They were evil all right. I was suspicious from the start, but what convinced me was the offer they made me: becoming a staff writer for Andromeda. Shudder...."

The Dark Side's plans have sparked debate in the general public.

"He should have taken the offer," commented Andromeda writer Zack Stentz. "People whose names start with Z can go far in this business."

"I hope Zeke stands firm," said Deltachat resident MK. "Evil is bad. The Dark Side is evil. Ergo, the Dark Side is bad. And that isn't good."

"The Dark Side isn't so bad once you get used to it," countered cynic David E. Sluss.

"Look, I really can't talk right now," stated Grand High Janewayite Lis. "I have to update TrekToday and the SlipstreamWeb and the J-Team, not to mention keeping an eye on the BBS forum I moderate, preparing myself psychologically for the Voyager finale, and hopefully finding time to eat, sleep, and breathe. I think I have a job too."

"Stay good, Zeke! Stay good!" pleaded ferret Kiki.

Mr. Black disappeared in a puff of thick black smoke shortly after the interview, making it impossible to be certain of the Dark Side's next move. Rumour has it that Mr. Zeke's response has angered them to the point where they may take the drastic step of airing a third Survivor series. For the sake of humanity, we at This Just In hope the reports are exaggerated.

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Copyright 2001, Colin Hayman. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. This notice void where prohibited by evil beings aiming to pick up converts.