This Just In
ISSUE #6 MAY 27, 2001

C/7 destroys universe
by Zeke

OTTAWA, CANADA - Armageddon has finally arrived as scientists confirm that the relationship between Commander Chakotay and Seven of Nine in the finale of Star Trek: Voyager has brought about the imminent destruction of the cosmos.

"It's weird," said famed astronomer Dr. Weston Smythe. "Nobody saw it coming. All of a sudden, the universe stopped expanding and began contracting at incredible -- one might almost say ludicrous -- speed. It'll hit us in three days, tops."

Dr. Smythe was the first to discover the universal collapse. "It was about 9:30 PM Eastern when it began. I was examing the Andromeda galaxy with my telescope in hopes of catching a glimpse of Lexa Doig, when suddenly all of outer space simultaneously moved in a way that can only be described as sighing. A deep, resonant voice then filled the room and spoke these words: 'C/7? Okay, that's just stupid. I see no reason to continue existing if this is what's going to come of it.' It must have been the voice of the universe, although I have no idea how it successfully traversed the vacuum of space."

"I talked to a friend later," continued Dr. Smythe, "who informed me that the first C/7 scene took place at that exact time. Apparently I was chosen to deliver the message of Doomsday to humanity. I'm honoured, though I would've preferred a position with more job security."

Kenneth Biller, author of the Voyager finale, was adamant that his relationship was not to blame for the Apocalypse. "Oh, come on, people!" exclaimed Mr. Biller. "Do you honestly think the universe cares about human TV shows? If it's collapsing, it must be for some other reason. Perhaps it's mad about all the bashers, hint hint."

Our impending doom has sparked debate in the Trek community.

"You've gotta be kidding," remarked Five-Minute Voyager webmaster "Zeke." "C/7 really is destroying the universe? I know the more fanatical J/Cers were talking that way, but geez...first my modem breaks, now this! At this rate I'll never get 'Five-Minute Enterprise' going!"

"It's all Seven's fault! Chakotay had nothing to do with it!" screamed Emma "Togepi" Goldsbrough. Lilly "Firera" Ligren concurred: "It's all because of that Barbie Borg bimbo. This universe-destruction thing is proof that Janeway and Chakotay are perfect for each other -- not that I needed any."

"Destroying the world? C/7's bad, but that still seems a little harsh," commented fan "froot."

"This is a testament to the pile of festering, putrid crap that Voyager became," bashed reviewer Michelle Erica Green. "Thank God we're all going to be dead by the time Enterprise starts. Any more recycled plotlines, appalling sexism, and blatant shipper abuse would have been too much. If I can't have my personal vision of perfect Trek, nobody should have any at all."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! We're all gonna die!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" panicked fan Babyslime, who proceeded to run around frantically in circles.

Reports indicate that only one person on Earth knew for certain that C/7 would lead to the current catastrophe: retired reviewer Tim Lynch, whose background in both astronomy and Trek led him to the conclusion. He decided not to announce this, on the grounds that he "didn't feel like it."

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Copyright 2001, Colin Hayman. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. This notice void if universe fails to exist.