This Just In
ISSUE #22 JUNE 2, 2002

Scandal strikes new 5MV administration
by Zeke

SASKATOON, SK - Within two weeks of the changeover, Five-Minute Voyager's new administration is under fire on charges of corruption and bribery.

Lawyer Jeice O. Garricker, who is acting as both plaintiff and prosecutor in the case, spoke to This Just In to explain his reasons. "I've defended the 5MV staff on many occasions," he said, "but a man has to draw the line somewhere. I couldn't turn a blind eye to the things that went on in those offices."

Leveled against acting webmaster Kira are accusations of patronage, unfair business practices, nepotism, bribery, and malpractice. According to Mr. Garricker, Ms. Kira has frequently taken money from guest writers in exchange for publishing their work. "I once saw a guy in a trench coat hand her a $1500-dollar bill," said the lawyer. "His Earth 2 fiver was online the next day, and Kira showed up for work in a silver tiara."

When asked about the nepotism charges, Mr. Garricker replied that "I intend to expose Kira's familial relationship to all the new section heads. Five-Minute Battlestar Galactica, Five-Minute Seinfeld, Five-Minute Futurama... do you think the inept crap in those sections would ever have been published if it hadn't been written by Kira's cousins? Or possibly clones, I haven't got the details figured out yet."

The Crown's surprising star witness is IJD GAF, an executive on the Five-Minute Voyager staff. "I'm not going to turn against my own boss," said Mr. GAF in court this morning, "so you can just -- oh, I can't take it anymore! It's true! It's all true! I bribed Kira to keep me on as a section head! I offered money, stock, sex... well, she turned down that last one, but you get the idea. I repent! I'm ashamed! I'm so, so ashamed!"

Mr. GAF was then reminded that he was not yet on the stand.

The scandal has inspired comments from many. We will repeat them here, except for Marc Richard's endless cries of "Impeach! Impeach! Impeach!"

"Why be so hard on Kira?" asked Doctor Who fan SCMoll. "Ya gotta look at the alternative here. The way Zeke ran this place inspired three entire articles about how slow he was. Kira? None. There's no comparison."

"What's this 'The Crown' stuff?" inquired Trek BBS member Scourge. "It's supposed to be 'The State.' Any idiot knows that."

"Heh heh," replied TrekToday administator Caillan Davenport. "Sounds like somebody's American."

"If it doesn't fit, you must acquit!" shouted lawyer Johnnie Cochran, who then attempted to get the audience to chant the catchphrase with him. Its lack of meaning notwithstanding, they did.

"Kira corrupt? That's preposterous!" commented writer/activist Laura Goodwin. "Someone whose name is only one letter away from that of the mighty James Kirk can't possibly be immoral. Even Zeke sounds enough like Kirk to be blame-free. If you ask me, this is all a frameup by that IJD GAF guy. His sounds like a Romulan name."

"Frankly, my dear," replied IJD GAF, "I just don't give a fig."

Kira's defense attorney, one Mr. Joe Black, plans to prove that Kira is not guilty by reason of insanity. This reporter sincerely hopes that this effort is successful... for Kira's sake, of course. Certainly not for the sake of amusement. 

< Issue #21 :: Issue #22 :: Issue #23 >

Return to Front Page

Copyright 2002, Colin Hayman. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. Incidentally, Kira is not remotely corrupt and the accusations were entirely unfounded. (This notice has been bribed.)