This Just In
ISSUE #23 JUNE 9, 2002

5MV Slated for DVD release

OTTAWA, CANADA - This weekend in a much anticipated press conference, the owner of Five Minute Voyager, Colin "Zeke" Hayman, announced that the content on his site would soon be transferred to the DVD format, to be released by the end of the year.

"That's right," began Mr. Zeke when interviewed. "The time has come for my site to enter the new millennium, and embrace the arrival of digital technology." When reminded that his website was begun in the current millennium on a digital medium as it is, he responded with his customary "Meh" and proceeded to make a plethora of grandiose and impossible promises for his new pet project.

"Just think of the special features we could include on the DVD format: digital and surround commentary by the author...deleted scenes...I guarantee that this release will be a must-have for the holiday season."

The DVD format poses many problems for fans of the Five-Minute parody format. Attendants at the press conference were curious as to how text-based material would be delivered on a visual medium, and why on Earth Zeke ever contemplated the idea in the first place. The webmaster's answer was short, simple, and obviously confused.

"Don't bother me, I've got more important things to worry about, like the state of Canada". When reminded that Canada is, in fact, a country, he replied, "Don't you think I know that? I meant state as in condition. Yeesh, smart-aleck fictional reporters these days...."

As with most of This Just In's reports, Zeke's press conference was met with a variety of opinions.

"I think it's a great idea," stated Zeke's new puppet -- er, assistant, Kira. "Now my content will be boosted with state of the art technology!" At this point this reporter asked Kira if it had anything to do with the profit. "Off the record, are you kidding? Zeke promised me an extra 5% to make up for all the delayed publishing, and another 5% to keep my mouth shut about it." This reporter has no shame, and feels it would be just to extend the same offer to the section heads as well.

Fan and guest writer FatMatDuhRat had this to say: "I can't wait for the deleted scenes -- Zeke even promised that the special effects would be brought up to the same level as the rest of the fiver!" Mat was later informed that these "special effects" would just consist of the conventional bold and italics, but was undeterred in his enthusiasm.

Director Robert Wise was unimpressed. "When I released Star Trek: The Motion Picture on DVD, I went as far as updating the existing special effects to modern standards. No DVD will ever match my Director's Edition of the first Star Trek movie." When reminded that The Motion Picture is considered by most fans to be one of the worst Star Trek movies, Mr. Wise mumbled something about talking back to elders and this reporter was afraid to press the matter further.

"From what I understand, Zeke has decided to go liberal with the DVD extras," commented historic Canadian Prime Minister Sir Wilfrid Laurier. "It takes a big man to admit that being conservative on these sorts of things just doesn't work."

"Why are you asking me?" inquired fictional figment of the imagination Snuffleupagus. "Jeez, I swear you people go out of your way to ask unusual characters questions just for name recognition value." This Just In concedes the point.

Zeke's new lawyer, the infamous and probably overused Joe Black, was pressed with dozens of questions about the legality of putting Star Trek parodies on DVD. "Legality?" he cried. "That's not a question here. We are specifically manufacturing our products in third world countries and importing them, thus bypassing all national copyright laws. Now, morality might be a question here, but legality surely isn't."

At this point Mr. Black was arrested for violation of international copyright laws; Zeke's original lawyer, Jeice O. Garricker, could not be reached for comment.

Details for the upcoming release will be given at a press conference later in the year. Said press conference has not yet been scheduled, but Zeke assured the public in his speech that it would be announced "in the near future." We at This Just In are currently holding our breaths. 

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