This Just In

Canadian government outlaws parodies
by Kira

OTTAWA, CANADA - In a shocking move today, the Canadian House of Commons passed a law outlawing all forms of parody.

The bill, which appeared without warning in a special session of Parliament, stipulates that any form of parody is illegal. There are a range of penalties for creation or possession of parody material, including fines, imprisonment, and being forced to watch American reality TV shows.

"It's for the good of the country," stated the newly appointed Minister of Parody Control. "We can't have our children growing up cynical and mocking their elders."

A source inside the Canadian government revealed to this reporter that the true reason behind the bill was the government's inability to determine when they are being mocked.

"What they really wanted to do," said the source, "was outlaw all forms of mocking the government. They've just had it. It was getting too easy to make fun of them. But then they realized they would have to differentiate between parodies of the government and parodies of anything else...say, this is all off the record, right?" This reporter is of the opinion that ignoring that question means comments can be on the record.

Parodists around the country are shocked by the new bill and concerned for their livelihood.

Colin "Zeke" Hayman, founder of the parody website Five-Minute Voyager, was outraged by the move. "The bill was only passed five minutes ago, and the government has already tried to shut down my site 47 times!" he claimed.

Government spokesmen laughingly denied that any attempts had been made to shut down Mr. Zeke's site. "You think the government is actually that efficient?" This reporter soon tired of waiting for the spokesmen to stop laughing and decided not to question them further.

"It's about time somebody shut that guy down," said actor Robert Beltran. "He's been making fun of too many people for far too long." We at This Just In were tempted to mock Mr. Beltran as per usual, but felt that wood be unfair.

"Ha!" said 5MV staffer IJD GAF. "They've outlawed all parodies? That's what you get for living in Canada!" It seemed to this reporter that Mr. GAF was going to continue his gloating, but he was interrupted by a group of angry Canadians who began pummeling him with stale Timbits.

"This law is ridiculous," said Marc Richard, also on staff at 5MV. "I think it's unlikely the government will be able to enforce it."

"We won't be stopped!" agreed site manager Kira. "We'll start an underground parody network! They'll never find us all. And furthermore...hold on, there's some large goons at the door." This reporter got tired of waiting for Kira to return after a couple of hours and decided to finish the interview at a later time.

"They can't shut Zeke down!" insisted 5MV fan Celeste. "He owes me Voyager fivers! Maybe I can use some form of mind control on this government of his." Celeste was later seen being pursued by the same large goons who interrupted this reporter's interview with Kira.

"How does this relate to Microsoft being evil?" asked fan PointyHairedJedi.

"Why are you asking me what I think?" said Canadian comedian Rick Mercer. "I'm not on This Hour Has 22 Minutes any more. And you stole my 'Timbits' joke!" This reporter concedes the point.

Zeke's attorney, Jeice O. Garricker, plans to fight the new bill. "I'm going to prove that this law is in violation of Mr. Zeke's First Amendment rights," said Garricker. This reporter then reminded Mr. Garricker that the First Amendment is a part of the American Constitution. "In that case," replied Garricker, "I intend to argue that this bill does not apply to Mr. Zeke since his site isn't funny."

At the time of publication, Mr. Zeke was currently seeking new counsel. 

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Copyright 2002, Carolyn Paterson. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. This notice would like to emphasize that it is NOT a parody of traditional disclaimers, despite apparent evidence to the contrary.