This Just In
ISSUE #28 JANUARY 13, 2003

Trek science officers demand explanation
by Zeke

STARFLEET HEADQUARTERS, SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In a move that threatens to paralyze the franchise, the science officers of various Star Trek series are refusing to continue work until the apparently paradoxical science of their universe is explained to them.

"It hit me out of the blue last week," stated Lieutenant Commander Jadzia Dax. "I was running a tachyon sweep to scan the sector for cloaked ships, and it just suddenly dawned on me that tachyons should be completely useless in scanning. They travel backwards in time, for heaven's sake. I don't know why I didn't think of that before. Whoever came up with this idea has some explaining to do."

Vulcan officer Spock nodded solemnly. "In my Starfleet career, I have observed numerous phenomena that defied logical explanation. Two days ago, however, I became aware that some of my own actions qualified as such. For example, during a visit to Earth's past, I used antiquated human technology to construct a device capable of predicting the entire planet's future with infallible accuracy. There is no plausible method of accomplishing this, yet clearly it has occurred. My attempts to apply logic to resolve the contradiction have been unsuccessful."

The unofficial leader of the protest, Captain Kathryn Janeway, spoke with This Just In this morning to clarify some of the issues. "The way I see it, we need an explanation if we're supposed to continue our duties. Our science training was obviously some sort of trick. In the last few years alone, I've encountered event horizon force fields, minable deuterium, giant viruses, price tags on DNA... and don't even get me started on A. R."

When this reporter inquired about the acronym A. R., operations officer Ensign Harry Kim made an emphatic throat-cutting gesture. "We don't say it out loud," he explained. "She killed the last person around here who even mentioned antimatter radia--"

Mr. Kim's ensuing demise was gruesome, but entertaining.

A primary target of the characters' rebellion is Andre Bormanis, longtime science advisor for the Star Trek franchise. He was unavailable for interviews, but issued a brief statement for the press:

"The allegations of Captain Janeway and her associates are entirely unfounded. No scientific errors crept into Trek during my tenure; otherwise, I wouldn't now be writing for a series of Enterprise's high standards. This fact will sink into their minds soon, like oil sinking in water."

This Just In's efforts to contact the current franchise science advisor proved fruitless. "Science advisor... science advisor... you know, I don't think I've ever met the guy," said Enterprise executive producer Brannon Braga. "Rick, do you know who our science advisor is?"

"Not now," replied fellow producer Rick Berman. "I'm reading online reviews of Nemesis. We're up to twelve positive ones." This reporter could not help observing that there were at least eighty tally marks in the 'negative' column of Mr. Berman's notepad.

Former Trek technology advisor Rick Sternbach declined to comment, but did grumble angrily in the series' general direction.

One science officer who has declined to join the protest is Subcommander T'Pol of the pre-original Enterprise NX-01. "While I share in the incomprehension of such phenomena as comets with Earthlike gravity, I find it highly illogical to cease performing one's duties in expectation of answers from an undetermined source. Furthermore --"

"She's jest tryin' not to let on that she doesn't wanna get fired," interrupted chief engineer Charles Tucker.

Another gruesome but entertaining death ensued. This reporter has decided to withhold any comments of his own, as it is apparent that female Trek characters in positions of power are highly volatile, and this reporter's supervisor is named after one.

At the end of her comments, Captain Janeway was optimistic about the protest's future. "They can't run the franchise without us," she stated. "We have Spock, Data, both catsuit occupants, and of course Mr. Kim, once the Doctor finishes replicating a new one. And I take comfort in the examples of the past. Our campaign can't go worse than the 'How in God's Name Does This Thing Work' movement the transporter chiefs tried." 

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