This Just In
ISSUE #29 FEBRUARY 2, 2003

5MV to launch all-Trek TV channel
by Marc Richard

OTTAWA, CANADA - As part of its ongoing endeavour to purchase Viacom Corporation, which currently owns Paramount and its renowned Star Trek franchise, Five-Minute Voyager has announced a project to launch the world's first 24-hour television channel devoted exclusively to Star Trek.

Speaking at a press conference held in their Ottawa boardroom, the two senior executives of the recently-formed Five Minute Voyager Media Conglomerate (Inc.) outlined their plans for the new channel. "Our motto says it all," enthused 5MV-MC President and C.E.O. Zeke. "The Star Trek Channel will deliver 'All Trek, All The Time' to audiences everywhere. No longer will dedicated fans have to find ways to keep themselves occupied during those long hours -- or even days -- when existing stations or networks broadcast programs other than Star Trek."

"I'm sure everyone out there will be very pleased," amplified 5MV-MC Senior Vice-President of Operations Kira. "Rather than having those empty programming slots go to waste, our viewers will now be able to fill all of their time in a productive manner. In fact, we think of ourselves as providing a great service to society by launching this new channel."

Asked how the concept for STC had originated, Mr. Zeke was somewhat evasive at first, then admitted that the 5MV website's readership had provided the inspiration. "Celeste actually gave us the idea," he explained. "The poor woman gets only one episode of Voyager, five of The Next Generation and two showings of Enterprise per week on her local network. We felt that we had to do something about this sad state of affairs."

Ms. Kira added, "Yeah, and we also got really tired of her complaining on the site's discussion board about how she doesn't catch Deep Space -- OUCH!" Further comment on the subject from Ms. Kira was not forthcoming, since she had to attend to an unexpected ankle bruise for the next few minutes.

To stress STC's commitment to make its programming available to every potential viewer on the planet, Mr. Zeke announced that 5MV-MC would be signing a twenty-year lease for the exclusive use of the Arecibo Observatory's giant radio-telescope as the channel's main broadcasting facility. "Our first test of the one-thousand-foot-diameter dish yesterday gave very impressive results," he said. "We beamed the trailer for the new Star Trek: Nemesis movie up to a volunteer circling overhead in a small aircraft. The signal we sent him was so powerful that he was able to see and hear the trailer in crystal-clear detail -- even though he didn't have a television set with him on the plane!" However, when this reporter asked how STC planned to broadcast its shows to viewers down on Earth using a transmitter that was permanently pointed up towards outer space, Mr. Zeke scribbled a note to himself and said that he would "have to check with the technical guys about that" to provide an answer. As of press time, clarifications on this point had not yet been issued by Mr. Zeke's office. 

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Copyright 2003, Marc Richard. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. The highly amusing gag meant to be included in this disclaimer is currently progressing towards the Andromeda galaxy. We'll have to check with the technical guys about how to restore it.