HOLLYWOOD, CA - As a result of a recent change in American law, acclaimed Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson is now facing charges of hobbit molestation.
"The new law allows the courts to require witnesses to testify in cases of this nature," explained This Just In legal consultant Jeice O. Garricker. "That means criminals can no longer buy off potential witnesses, because the prosecution can call them anyway. It's going to make things more difficult for celebrities and rich people charged with crimes. It should also be a turning point in cases where that sort of buy-off has already occurred, as in Jackson's case."
Mr. Jackson's hobbit habits have long been under suspicion, tainting an otherwise highly successful career. On several occasions, parties have come forward with the claim that Mr. Jackson acts inappropriately towards some of the hobbits he meets and works with. In one particularly notorious case, 14-year-old hobbit Brello Shadetree told reporters that Mr. Jackson had repeatedly made uncomfortable advances toward him. His parents did not press charges, and he later retracted the statement, but the scandal was well-publicized and harmful to the director's public image.
Prior to this week's events, the most recent development in the continuing Jackson drama was the release this spring of an unauthorized documentary, Dwelling With Peter Jackson, in which the director frankly discussed his interest in hobbits with interviewer Michael Bashir. He insisted that it was entirely wholesome. "I think hobbits are wonderful creatures," explained Mr. Jackson. "They're innocent and sweet and caring. Of course I enjoy spending time with them. Everyone ought to."
Earlier, in October 2002, Mr. Jackson caused an uproar by dangling a stuffed Frodo figure off a balcony. Plush-protection groups were outraged at his apparent lack of concern for the toy's safety. While Mr. Jackson insisted that he had kept a firm grip, photos of the incident continue to plague him.
Mr. Jackson has been arrested and is expected to face trial, now that certain key witnesses will have no choice but to come forward. Police may even be permitted to investigate Mr. Jackson's residence, the famously secretive "Neverland-dûr." Little is known about the mansion, as the rare few who have been invited to visit have been required to sign nondisclosure agreements in blood.
Various parties have commented on the Jackson scandal.
"These accusations against Peter are outrageous," said Frodo actor Elijah Wood. "I've never felt remotely threatened by him. Though I guess this would explain all those slow, lingering closeup shots of Frodo and Sam. There's one in Return of the King that's like five minutes long." (Mr. Wood has been fined for his unauthorized use of a trademarked phrase.)
"You can't pay off witnesses anymore? Holy crap, I'm screwed!" shouted ex-football player O. J. Simpson. He hastened to add, "Whoops. Um, listen, here's $400 to keep that out of the papers."
"At last, [Jackson's] getting what's coming to him," stated elf Glorfindel. "Keep us out of the films, will he?" Wizard Radagast the Brown nodded his agreement, as did merry fellow Tom Bombadil, who added, "Bright blue my jacket is, and my boots are yellow, / Peter Jackson left us out, and he can go to hell-o."
"November 24: Jackson arrested. V. good," logged very secret diarist Cassandra Claire. "Pervy hobbit-fancier."
In light of the scandal, New Line Cinemas has decided to seek a new director for any future Lord of the Rings projects. The Wayans brothers have expressed interest. Meanwhile, Mr. Jackson will stand trial on December eleventy-first, facing a jury chosen to represent all the major races of Middle-Earth. Judge Giant, Terrifying Eye will be presiding.