This Just In
ISSUE #8 JUNE 10, 2001

'Shippers boycott oxygen
by Zeke

SOMEWHERE, USA - Following on the 'Shippers Boycott of Trek campaign, a group of frustrated Star Trek fans are taking their protest to the next level by boycotting the life-sustaining gaseous element oxygen (O2).

In an official announcement yesterday, group chairperson Mary Sue Scrivener explained: "When the writers and producers of Voyager (may their clothing catch fire and their heads implode) created the Great Abomination of C/7, they were breathing oxygen. We, the betrayed 'shippers whom these monsters have victimized, refuse to inhale the same substance that allowed the Abomination's birth. Let this clarion call ring out from every mountain! We will not be ignored. We will not be silenced. We are the victims of the greatest atrocity since World War II, and we will continue our boycott of oxygen until our voices are heard! Rise up, backstabbed millions! RIIIIIIIIISE!" (At this point the speaker collapsed from exertion.)

Ms. Scrivener later answered a few questions for This Just In regarding her organization, tentatively titled the 'Shipper Oxygen Boycott (S.O.B.). "Yes, we are entirely serious," she stated. "No gaseous oxygen in any form -- evil must be opposed. Oxygen bars and scuba tanks constitute a minor threat, but the primary trafficker in oxygen is obviously Earth's atmosphere; as a result, we're putting all inhalation on hold until we receive a formal apology."

When asked about the S.O.B.'s current state, Ms. Scrivener replied, "The major problem right now is biological. Our members can successfully hold their breath until they lose consciousness, but at that point involuntary muscle action takes over and they are forced to inhale. We're considering ways to counter this; it may be necessary to issue gags to all members."

According to Ms. Scrivener, the group's population is growing very slowly. "We get lots of new members, but the existing ones keep disappearing for some reason."

The S.O.B.'s formation has caused controversy in fandom.

"Oh, please," commented prolific webmaster A'Lehsen "Ally" Paris. "What a big deal to be making over nothing. If it had been P/T that had broken up, or even -- God forbid -- Wolverine/Rogue, I would understand this, but the C/7 thing just isn't worth it."

"They do realize that oxygen is necessary for life, right?" asked concerned Deltachatter "0 of -1."

"I am entirely in favour of this organization and its members," declared genetically-enhanced lab mouse The Brain. "Thanks to their dedication, the day may soon come when all humans will voluntarily cease to respirate, paving the way for a swift global takeover. Pinky! Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

"I think so, Brain," replied assistant Pinky, "but if we did use a mind-swapping device on Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, what difference would it make?"

"Heh heh," observed butthead Beavis. "She said 'S.O.B.'"

"This whole business strikes me as misguided," stated Five-Minute Voyager webmaster "Zeke." "How exactly have these people been 'victimized'? Okay, so they didn't get the relationship they wanted in the Voyager finale, but that was the writers' decision to make, and it's not like they owe it to the fans to satisfy their every wish. It isn't possible to give all or even most viewers exactly what they want, so what sense does it make to direct this kind of hatred and abuse at the writing staff?"

Mr. Zeke has been fined $50 (Canadian funds) for being serious in a This Just In article; Ms. Scrivener was last seen poking herself with a pointy stick as penance for having breathed oxygen during the interview. When executive producer Ken Biller was told of the shipper group's demand for a formal apology, his reply was reportedly "Don't hold your breath."

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