Arrow: Five-Minute "Pilot"

by Zeke

You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then gets stuck on an island for five years? Well, that was me. Every time something good happened to me, I woke up and realized I was still on the damn island. Purgatory. That's when I realized I'd overindulged. So I got a list of everyone bad in the city, and one by one I'm gonna pretty much murder them. I'm just trying to become someone else... someTHING else. My name is Arrow.

Rescuer: Oh man, you look terrible. What's your name?
Oliver: Ollie... Ollie...
Rescuer: Ollie what?
Oliver: Oxen... free... (THUD)

Reporter: The Queen is alive! Yes, after five years lost at sea, Britain's monarch has --
(gets handed a note)
Reporter: Excuse me. Queen is alive! Yes, it turns out Freddie Mercury was just --
Director: CUT.

Doctor: Be careful. He's been silent, uncommunicative... we think the island may have made him crazy.
Oliver: Hey mom. What's up?
Moira: Oliver! You're okay! But they said --
Oliver: Yeah, I've just been messing with them.

Moira: Now Oliver, I'm sure you remember your father's vaguely sinister coworker...
Oliver: Nope. I remember the maid, though. I'm thoughtful like that.
Thea: Well, you'd better have remembered me, your sister.
Oliver: *hug* To a borderline creepy extent.

Joanna: But Adam Hunt is too powerful! We'll never get a jury to convict him!
Laurel: Will too. See where I've got his picture here next to the word "DUBIOUS"? Slam. Dunk.
Reporter: (on TV) Ellery Queen is alive! Yes, the famous detective auth--
Director: (on TV) I SAID CUT!
Laurel: Ollie? He's... alive?
Joanna: Oh yeah, you were Queen's consort, weren't you?

Mirror: Let me guess. "Who's the fairest one of all," right?
Oliver: What? No. I'm just reflecting on how different I look now.
Mirror: Well, you're still not the prettiest, Queen.
Oliver: That's it. I'm doing a flashback to escape these puns.

Robert: You shouldn't be cheating on your girlfriend with her own sister, son.
Oliver: That seems like something you could have mentioned before we left port.
Sara: (offscreen) Hey Ollie, come back! This cheating isn't gonna do itself!
Robert: Well, anyway, the storm is getting too dangerous. We're turning back before we spill all the oil we're carrying.
Oliver: Come on! You brought the oil TO spill it!
Robert: Yeah, but not in this spot.

Tommy: Ollie! Welcome back from the abyss!
Oliver: Oh, hey Tommy. Tommy Merlyn.
Tommy: ...Why are you glaring at me? We're friends.
Oliver: Uh huh. I've read the comics.

Thea: It's so nice to be having a family dinner aga--
Oliver: Sleeping with my mom, eh, Walter?
Moira: Oliver! Don't act all clever for figuring that out. We were making no real effort to hide it.
Walter: Your mother and I are married now, actually.
Oliver: Well, I hope you thought to end the vows with "till at least five years after death do us part", 'cause clearly Dad should have! *storms out*
Thea: Wait. Wait! Mom, you didn't just marry Walter, you're sleeping with him?!

Sara: Yikes! This storm is scary!
Oliver: You can take it, baby. You're way hardier than Laurel.
Sara: Do you have to keep bringing her up? It's really not helping my guilt.
Oliver: Come on, Sara. I promise your sister is the last thing you have to worry about right n--

Robert: It's okay! I've got you!
Oliver: Dad, no! Let me go! I have to save --
Robert: Son... it's too late. She's so dead there isn't even a body.

Moira: Wake up, Oliver! You're having a nightmare!
Oliver: Mom? Oh geez, sorry. I should've mentioned I got Wolverine claws.

Oliver: Hey --
Thea: I'm NOT hiding drugs!
Oliver: Cool, me neither. I have a gift for you from the island. It is a Hozen, and those who have one are Hozers.
Thea: What, a pointy rock? We have a bunch like this in the yard.
Oliver: Those are just garden Hozens.

Tommy: I'm so glad you're finally back, man. Time to party! It's gonna be legen--
Oliver: *narrows eyes*
Tommy: Oh, come on! I told you, we've been best friends for years! Now where do you want to go?
Oliver: To visit Laurel. I want independent confirmation.

Laurel: (gasp) Ollie!
Oliver: Hey Laurel. Listen, do I know this g--
Laurel: You're here too soon! I'm still deciding how to react! Dammit, Ollie, I need warning if I'm going to emote!
Oliver: Yeah, me too. That's why I stopped bothering.

Oliver: I'm sorry, Laurel. Please don't blame Sara.
Laurel: I don't.
Oliver: Oh. Then can you also not blame me? I don't want to waste this trip.
Laurel: Well of course! Why would I blame you for cheating on me with my own sister and then coming back five years later without her?
Oliver: You know, considering how much DNA you and she have in common, it was actually sort of a compli-- OW!

Tommy: I told you not to try the DNA thing.
Oliver: That's why I did it. *suspicious glare*
Tommy: Oh, for the love of --
Kidnappers: (KIDNAP)

Robert: Son, listen closely. I'm not the man they think I am back home. No no no...
Oliver: Don't talk like that! Someone will find us!
Robert: Maybe, but I think it's gonna be a long, long time.

Kidnapper 1: Tell us everything that happened after your ship sank.
Oliver: Can't you just... keep watching... the flashbacks?
Kidnapper 2: We can't stand to look at your past haircut.
Oliver: That's a wig. I borrowed it from Dexter.
Kidnapper 2: But he's a psychopathic killer!
Oliver: (breaking loose) On that topic...

Det. Lance: Here's your worthless kid back. Got himself kidnapped, the stupid prick.
Moira: Oh no! How did you escape, Ollie?
Det. Lance: That's the best part. This moron expects us to believe some random hooded vigilante saved him. Like anyone would lift a finger for a spoiled rich clown like --
Moira: Stop insulting my son!
Det. Lance: Lady, I have not begun to insult your son.

Raisa: Here's your sandwich.
Oliver: Thanks. I sure have missed your motherly care and -- gaaah! What's in this?
Raisa: Sawdust, mostly. Some ketchup.
Oliver: ...Found out your role isn't recurring, huh?

Moira: Oliver, since you refuse to stop going missing, I've hired you a bodyguard.
Oliver: You're just being paranoid, Mom. Something could happen even if you chained me to the radiator.
Moira: Oo! Walter, let's try that on Thea.
Walter: It even solves the inevitable boyfriend problem!

Diggle: So I'm John Diggle. You can call me Dig. Or John. Or JD. Or J-Dig. Maybe JoDi, I'd have to think about that one. Or --
Oliver: Can I call you Commissioner?
Diggle: Uh, if you want, I guess. But why would --
Oliver: *is gone*
Diggle: Dammit.

Now that I've described my vigilante identity to the cops, I'd better hurry up and actually become a vigilante.
(training montage)
I sorta wish I'd thought of a cooler costume to describe.

Adam Hunt: Remind Grell he can be replaced. There are plenty of other DC references out th-- ACK!
The Hood: You're going to give away millions of dollars for basically no reason. Any questions?
Hunt: What... what is that crap on your face? Is this supposed to be some kind of cool costume?
The Hood: I knew it! Damn! *storms off*
Hunt: You also really need to clear your throat.

Det. Lance: So the stupid Queen kid wasn't lying after all. We'll have to think of a name for this vigilante.
Det. Hilton: Oh, hey. He left behind a green arrow.
(long pause)
Det. Lance: Arrows, huh? Must be a good shot. Let's call him Hawkeye.
Det. Hilton: Captain Arche-- no, never mind, yours is better.

Oliver: Sorry about earlier.
Diggle: S'okay. Let's get you to your welcome-back party.
Oliver: Are the handcuffs really necessary?
Diggle: Oh yeah. Now the ankle bracelet -- I'll admit that might be gratuitous.

Tommy: He's here! Say hi, Ollie!
Oliver: Uh... thank you all for coming. Please enjoy "partying" and having "fun", which are things I also enjoy.
Tommy: Yaaaaaaaaay. (to the crowd) Help him out here! There was no TV on that island!

Thea: This is a great party. Isn't this a great pa-- oops.
Oliver: Thea! You can't be here, you're underage! It's illegal!
Thea: Well so are these drugs, but I -- uh, I mean, what drugs? Go away!
Oliver: Fine, I will.
Thea: (checks pocket) Hey! That question was supposed to be rhetorical!

Oliver: Oh man. My sister, Speedy, is a junkie!
Laurel: What's your answer to that?
Oliver: Honestly, I'll probably forget until it blows up in my face. I'm very distractahey it's you!

Laurel: Ollie, I have to know... did Sara suffer?
Oliver: It, uh, looked peaceful. Like going home.
Laurel: I've seen that movie, but thanks for trying. I'm sorry I've been so hard on --
Oliver's Phone: BEEP BEEP
Oliver: Um, gotta run. Which is terrible of me, isn't it? Because I'm terrible. Super terrible. Better stay away from me and any enemies I might have. Bye!
Laurel: ...Did I just get Mary Janed in the first episode?

Oliver: Oh great, you're back. Listen, I'm just so terrible --
Diggle: Not gonna work on someone paid to be around you.
Oliver: Ah. In that case, lemme just grab your head for a sec.
Diggle: Oh come on! Batman never... does this to... (passes out)
Oliver: Try to dream about a good non-vigilante reason I did this, okay? I haven't thought of one yet.

Hunt: Ha! It's 10:05 and there's no sign of that hood guy! I knew he was bluffing.
Hunt: Unless... he never said he would come right away, did he? He could be planning to wait till I'm not expecting it. Just watching me from somewhere out there, biding his time... oh man, I'll never sleep again! Quick, we've gotta transfer the --
The Hood: (coming through the window) Hey, sorry I'm late. Kept missing your building.

Det. Lance: He's here! All units, converge!
All Units: (over the radio) But... but you have to converge on something! You can't just "converge"! We -- we -- AAAAAA!
(multiple crashes)
Det. Hilton: So I've noticed that some of the guys have an overthinking problem.

Hunt's Guards: GAK!
Hunt: Eek! Stop him, Drakon!
The Hood: Oh, this one's got a name, huh? Must be important. Can he shoot Drakon Beams or something?
Drakon: (PUNCH)
The Hood: Ow! Well, looks like I'll have to be a Drakon slayer.
Drakon: GAK!
The Hood: Hey Hunt, I guess you should've watched that movie. You know, How to Train Your Drak--

Det. Hilton: Another bloodbath. When will our government finally have the sense to ban high-capacity quivers?
Det. Lance: He slid down that rope to the club across the street! We gotta follow him!
Det. Hilton: On it! Here goe-- AAAAAH!
Det. Lance: I meant on foot, but hey, good luck.

Oliver: No criminals here, officer. And I would know, I've been here the whole time.
Tommy: I haven't seen you for --
Det. Lance: You smug little son of a blatch! Did you even try to save... my daughter?
Oliver: That's not actually a surprising twist in this format. Your speaker credit has been visible from the start.
Det. Lance: It still works and you know it because we skipped where Sara's last name was mentioned! GOD I hate you!

Tommy: So the hood guy showed up again right across the street from us. Bit of a coincidence, don't you think?
Oliver: Yeah, maybe there's a connection. We should look for anything else suspicious. You know, like someone named after a super-vi--
Tommy: Oh, COME ON!

Hunt: What do you mean he stole the money electronically? How? He must have the greatest hacker in the world working for him!
Big Obvious Electronic Arrow: (Shhhhh.)

Oliver: Now to redistribute the money evenly among Hunt's victims.
Oliver: Should be no problem for them to keep it. Nobody investigates this stuff.
Oliver: I need someone to talk to.

Robert: Son, you have to survive and make up for all my crimes. Except this next one. *shoots the other survivor*
Oliver: Gah! Why?
Robert: There's no other way. We're using up your air and stuff. *points gun at self*
Oliver: Dad, no! Don't!
Robert: Son... you're It.

Laurel: So all my clients are getting huge anonymous deposits! Good thing nobody investigates this stuff, huh?
Tommy: I was actually hoping we could talk about us, not your work...
Laurel: My work is important! I'll see justice done, or my name isn't Dinah Laurel Lance.
Tommy: Wow.
Laurel: What?
Tommy: It's just... we're going to have to call you by the wrong name for the entire show for the sake of this one end-of-episode "surprise".

And so begins my crusade of murder-enforced social justice. Whatever it takes, I'll keep my promise and punish everyone on Dad's list. Even Robert Que-- wait, no, that's his signature.

Henchman: So the kidnapping didn't work. I'm fired, right?
Moira: Yep. But this is just a minor setback. One way or another, I'll find out what Oliver knows.
Henchman: You seem pretty confident.
Moira: Let's just say I've got a lot of experience being an evil Queen.


Viewer: Hey, who's that guy on the DC Comics logo?
DC Comics: That's Green Arrow.
Viewer: No, that guy there. The one with the hat and the goatee.
DC Comics: Um...

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This fiver was originally published on January 30, 2017.

DISCLAIMER: The characters mostly belong to DC Comics. These particular versions belong to The CW. The queen puns belong to me. (By the way, if you missed the last one, Susanna Thompson used to play the Borg Queen.)

All material © 2017, Colin Hayman.