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Charmed: Five-Minute "Baby's First Demon"

by catalina marina

Leo: Peter?
Piper: Prudence Melinda?
Phoebe: Potter?
Rumpelstiltskin: Give it up. You'll never guess.

Piper: What's that?
Paige: Oh, just something I installed for the baby to play with.

Demon: There's no one here. I can easily take the baby--
Baby: I can take care of myself, mom. You just think about what my name should be.

Piper: Who would want to steal the baby of a Charmed One?
Paige: Any demon stupid enough to think they can pull it off. Which is to say, just about all of them.
Piper: Right.

Parasite Demon 1: Where is it, Hawker?
Hawker: I couldn't get the baby. Take the gypsy.
Parasite Demon 2: Let me get this straight. You were beaten by a baby?
The Crone: Actually, it was an angry mother. The same one who will defeat one of you.
Parasite Demon 2: Who will defeat the other?
The Crone: I'm not telling.

Paige: Weren't you going to call the baby's faerie guards?
Piper: We tried. They won't guard a baby without a name.
Baby: Then give me a friggin' name!
Piper: Shut up, you're not in this scene.
Baby: Meh.

Leo: Aww, he wants a name so badly, he's crying over it.
Baby: No, doofus, I'm being attacked by demons!
Leo: Oh.

Paige: Help! The demons are trying to beam the baby out!
Piper: I'll just jump in the beam, being invincible and all.
Paige: Are you sure --
Piper: Leo! Healing please!

Piper: I guess I'm not invincible anymore.
Paige: Are you kidding? You're a major character...
Piper: Prue died too.
Paige: ...who didn't ask for a raise recently.
Piper: Gotcha.

Paige: We could scry for the Demonic Market with the athame one of the demons left behind.
Piper: If that's the closest we can get to technobabble, it'll have to work.

Demon Guard 1: Hold! Are you evil?
(Paige stabs Guard 1)
Paige: (To Guard 2) Convinced?

Jason Dean: If there is an emergency, someone would at least give you a call wouldn't they?
Secretary: (coming in) Leo just called. Again. He asks if you'd like to come home before the third attack... or something.
Phoebe: The third?

Phoebe: Where is Paige, anyway?
Paige's Note: Gone to market. Back "soon."
Piper: Uh-oh. The infamous S-word. Let's go find her.

Paige: Anybody order a baby?
Parasite Demon 1: I did.
Paige: Good. You die now.
Parasite Demon 2: I think not. We're only halfway through the episode.
Paige: Oops.

Leo: There are absolutely no demons to be found in the entire house.
Piper: Then why does the alarm keep going off?
Baby: Because I want a name, dammit.

Piper: How did you find the marketplace, anyway?
Paige: I proved to the guards -- sorry, to the guard -- that I was evil.
Phoebe: I didn't know it was your turn.

Leo: DIE EVIL -- (gets knocked out) Oh never mind.

(The sisters orb in, Piper waves with her hand)
Parasite Demon 1: GAK!
Piper: Dammit, the other one got away.
Wyatt Matthew: Well, you had to go back for my blanket anyway.

Crone: You must stay away from Wyatt Matthew. By the way, you die now.
Parasite Demon 2: GAK!
Piper: (coming in) Who's Wyatt Matthew?

Piper: Is your name Wyatt Matthew Halliwell?
Wyatt: Haven't you been paying attention?

Piper: I know his name! It's Wyatt Matthew!
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh bugger. I'll be off then.

Phoebe: I'm sorry for --
Dean: It's okay --
Phoebe: But you shouldn't have --
Dean: I won't --
Phoebe: Thank you.
(Phoebe and Dean keep interrupting each other at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 26, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the WB (the fools who let Buffy slip through their fingers) and Spelling Television (correctly, I see). Or so Jade tells me. I wouldn't know, never having watched Charmed. I've watched Bewitched, though, so I think I've done my bit.

All material © 2004, Marijke van Bommel.