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Sliders: Five-Minute "Prince of Wails"

by Derek Dean

A manifestation of Alternate Universe Week

Rembrandt: Great, the Earth just turned into the set for Waterworld.
Quinn: Maybe we should've heeded Dr. Noah's threats.
Wade: I'm just surprised a secret agent didn't stop him.
Arturo: Sometimes saving the world is not enough. Forget our man Bashir; let's slide.
(The sliders slide at Ludicrous Speed.)

Wade: It looks like we landed on England-world. Let me walk out into the street to find out.
Driver: Hey! Why don't you and your white-coloured dress get out of the road!
Wade: See? White-coloured, not white-colored.
Driver: Why I oughta put you in the stockade and then -- um, pay more attention to the fact your're friends with Sheriff Arturo.

Wade: We should exploit your sheriff-ness for all it's worth.
Arturo: (on phone) Offer me money ... power too, promise me that ... offer me everything I ask for ... I WANT MY FATHER BACK, YOU --
Quinn: Professor!
Arturo: Oh, right. Sorry.

Soldier: We're going to go kill the prince as per your instructions.
Arturo: Have fun.
Quinn: You're not just going to let them kill him, are you?
Arturo: I'm sorry, but the Prime Directive is very clear in these cases.
Quinn: This isn't Star Trek.
Arturo: Oh. Then let's save him.

Arturo: All right, now that we've saved the Prince from the Sheriff, what are we going to do?
Quinn: How about we turn both you and him over to the terrorists.
Terrorists: We prefer the term "Merry Men."
Rembrandt: Well if that didn't just give away the rest of the plot, I don't know what will.

Little John: I say we kill the Sheriff and Prince.
Quinn: And what do we kill apart from the Sheriff and Prince?
Merry Men: MORE Sheriffs and Princes!
Quinn: No! No, no, no!
Merry Men: Ni! Ni, ni, ni!
Quinn: Stop it!
Merry Men: AHHH!

Sheriff: (on TV) Greetings, viewers. I'm going to very obviously mimic Rush Limbaugh, and since I'm a villain, that should give you an idea of how the producers feel about Rush. Now let's hear from our viewers.
Viewer 1: Mega-dittos, Sheriff. I just want to let you know that everything you say is right.
Sheriff: See, I told you so. Isn't this the way things ought to be?
Viewer 2: I think the Sheriff is a big, fat idiot.
Sheriff: Patrick Henry you're not. Security? Security! Take him away.

Merry Men: Okay, the Sheriff has rejected our demands, now we kill them.
Quinn: No! Instead we should rob from the rich and give to the poor.
Merry Men: Great idea, Robin!
Wade: So much for the Prime Driective.
Rembrandt: Instead of calling Quinn Q-ball, maybe I should call him Q-pid.

Sheriff: (on TV) I'll get Robin Quinn if it's the last thing I do!
Reporter: Shouldn't that be Quinn Hood?
Sheriff: No, he's Robin Quinn because he's robbin' people.

Wade: Why don't you leave the Prince untied, so he can hit on me better?
Prince: Actually, I think I'll just escape. You're too attracted to Quinn.
Wade: How insulting! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go be near Quinn.

Little John: Wake up, the Prince has escaped!
Quinn: He'll be killed! I have to rescue him!
Wade: But you'll be killed!
Will Scarlet: It is a good day to die.
Wade: What are you, a Klingon?

Sheriff: (on TV) I want everyone to know I caught Quinn, and I'll only let him go if Maid Marian will marry me.
Reporter: There is no Maid Marian in this story.
Sheriff: Death it is then.

Little John: Well, this sucks. Quinn's been captured, the Prince has escaped, and I just realized the person playing me is female. What we need is something highly implausible.
Prince: Hey, guess what? I've returned and I realize that the monarchy that has put me at the top is wrong!
Little John: I meant a highly implausible plan.
Will Scarlet: We could storm the prison like they do in all those Robin Hood stories!
Arturo: Not implausible enough. Wait! Everyone, I have --
Merry Men: Oh God.
Arturo: -- a plan!

Arturo: Now that we've taken over the TV station, we need you to switch the monarchy to a democracy.
Prince: Right, so we have the Constitution, and, uh, what are the Bill of Rights?
Arturo: Um, um, there's the freedom of the depressed...
Rembrandt: The freedom to arm bears....
Wade: And the freedom to plead the fifth....
Prince: We're screwed.

Sheriff: (on TV) And now it's time to --
Prince: (on TV) -- end this charade! (ahem) Four score and seven -- screw it. Release Quinn and arrest the Sheriff. That is all. Oh, and "Yay, democracy."

Arturo: So here's the rest of what I remember of democracy.
Prince: (reading) "Democracy good. Monarchy bad." Oh, I'm sure that will be very helpful.
Rembrandt: And here's what I remember.
Prince: (reading) "Allin a Dale rocks!" Um, okay.
Quinn: Well, bye bye, Merry Men.
Little Joan: I'll miss you. I think I'm attracted to you. Why did I have to be cast as a woman?
Prince: Sure you won't stay with me, Wade?
Wade: Considering the way my character gets written out later in the series, I probably should, but oh well.
(The Sliders slide at Ludicrous Speed.)


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Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Derek Dean.

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This fiver was originally published on June 15, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by St. Clair Entertainment, MCA Universal, and the Sci-Fi Channel. I figure I can escape while they're fighting over who gets to sue me.

All material © 2003, Derek Dean.