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Buffy: Five-Minute "The Wish"

by Zeke

A manifestation of Alternate Universe Week

Willow: Oh no! The demon's got Buffy!
Xander: Should we try to fight it?
Willow: That would be hard. Let's just cheer her on.
Xander: Woo! Go, Buffy! Take it off!
Buffy: Oof... grunt... geez, could you two have been any more helpful? I could have died!
Willow: Who knows? Maybe you'd have liked it.
Xander: Besides, we're both really depressed.
Buffy: Oh, you're depressed. The fact that you're depressed makes everything okay.
Xander: Yeah, it's handy.

Answering Machine: Hi Cordy, this is Xander. Sorry I cheated, but you forgive me, right? After all, you're a pretty lousy person yourse-- wait, that's not it. Just call me. (BEEP)
Cordelia: No thanks. I'm having fun on my own.
Cordy's Pictures of Xander: For pity's sake, stop! Haven't you cut up and set fire to enough of us? The pain!
Cordelia: Snip snip, burn. Snip snip, burn.

Harmony: Hey Cordy!
Cordelia: Hey... I know I called you a sheep and all, but can I please rejoin the snob club? I'll upgrade you to mountain goat....
Harmony: Sure! I've even found you a new boyfriend. He's the perfect guy for you!
Jonathan: Hi.
Harmony: I know he's a nerd, but I think he'll really go places.
Cordelia: Harm... you're a llama.

Willow: Come on, Oz! Won't you please talk to me?
Oz: You used to say it was cute the way I didn't talk to you.
Willow: Well, now it's not! I need words!
Oz: I need time.
Willow: Time's a word....

Cordelia: Shoot, Xander's looking at me! Gotta do something....
John Lee: Why are you talking to yourself?
Cordelia: You! Pretend to kiss me.
John Lee: No way. Being seen with a hot chick like you would kill my reputation.
Cordelia: Nuts. ...Huh?

Anya: Hi!
Cordelia: Um, hi. Weren't you one of Harmony's yaks?
Anya: I'm just using her to spy out the show and see which cast member's role would be the easiest to take over. It's definitely yours. --I mean, I don't really like her.
Cordelia: Good, then you can be my friend instead. Let's disparage men.
Anya: I'm way ahead of you.

Buffy: So here we are at the Bronze being depressed.
Willow: Depressed, depressed, depressed.
Xander: Well, I for one have decided I'm better off. What did Cordy ever do for me besides permanently sacrifice her social standing? It's not like she was incredibly hot and genuinely cared about me. I mean, come on, I didn't exactly throw away every guy's dream girlfriend. Will?
Willow: Yes?
Xander: Hold me.

Buffy: Cordy, I want you to know I understand.
Cordelia: Oh, please. You have no idea what it's like to be hurt by your boyfriend.
Vampire: GRRRR! Oh, wait, is this a dramatic scene? I can come back.
Buffy: You do that. But first, die.
Vampire: GAK!
Cordelia: Oof... did you have to throw me into the dumpster to save me?
Buffy: There was absolutely no choice. (snicker)

Cordelia: And the worst part is that Harmony walked by right then!
Anya: Are you sure she saw you?
Harmony: Hey look, it's Dumpster Girl! Baabaabaabaabaa!
Harmony's Minion: Do you mean "hahahahaha"?
Harmony: Isn't that what I said?
Cordelia: Yes, Anya, I'm fairly sure she did.

Anyanka: Mwahaha! Behold my true visage!
Cordelia: Yikes! That's some skin condition. I can help you cover it up, though.
Anyanka: What?
Cordelia: You know, makeup. By the time I'm through, you'll look a thousand years younger.
Anyanka: I'm done pretending to like you. Have your AU and get out of my face.

Cordelia: Hmmm... doesn't look any different here. Hey Harmony, am I still a pariah?
Harmony: Heck no. You're the queen of the ruminants.
Cordelia: Xander?
Harmony: Dead.
Cordelia: Buffy?
Harmony: 1994 Luke Perry movie.
Cordelia: I think I'm going to like this universe.

Vampire Xander: Grrrrr! Fear my leathery evil!
Cordelia: Hey, aren't you supposed to be dead?
Vampire Xander: Dead like a ferret, baby! Or wait, ferret isn't right... what is it, wolf?
Cordelia: Huh. The no-Buffy world isn't too different -- you're a vampire, but you're still a dork.
Vampire Willow: Can we eat her yet?
Cordelia: Eep.

Giles: Back! Back, you undead nerds!
Cordelia: You saved me! Oh, thank you, Giles, and Oz, and Nancy, and that gay guy whose name I forget....
Larry: Gyaa! How did you--? Dammit!
Oz: Well, this explains why you always pair up with me on patrol.

Vampire Xander: I'm still hungry. There was this hot chick, but she got away.
The Master: Forget her. We've got some blood pie in the fridge.
Vampire Willow: She also mentioned the Slayer.
The Master: What? Go kill her before she can do it again!
Vampire Xander: How come?
The Master: The Slayer has a stupid name.

Giles: So this Anya girl gave you her pendant... what happened then?
Cordelia: She asked me to click my heels and recite "There's no place like an AU." How was I supposed to know she had a reason? I mean, that's, like, so --
Vampire Xander: Hi, we're here to kill her.
Giles: Mind the pendant.

Oz: Poor girl. She never had a chance.
Giles: She might have if I'd fought back, but I didn't feel like it. Go cremate her while I do research.
Larry: By the way, Nancy got killed.
Giles: Less talking, more cremating.

Vampire Willow: Torture is fun! Whee!
Angel: I like the other Willow a lot better.

Giles: This pendant appears to belong to Anyanka, demon of vengeance and capitalism. I'll have to summon her.
Oz: You think she'll undo that girl's wish?
Giles: Sure. Wish reversal is easy before "Selfless."
Larry: Good luck, then. Oz and I will go on patrol.
Oz: Separately.

Giles: Doo de doo de doo...
Vampires: GRRRRRR!
Giles: Uh oh.
Vampires: GAK!
Giles: Huh?
Buffy: Hey. Why's this scene so monosyllabic?
Giles: Well, it isn't now.

Buffy: So what is there to do in this town? I'm bored now.
Giles: AAAA!
Buffy: What?
Giles: Sorry, your choice of words was unfortunate. Would you like to help me summon Anyanka?
Buffy: I'm not into spell-order brides. Just point me at something I can slay.
Giles: Well, there's the Master, but you're kind of prophesied to die if you fight him.
Buffy: I said point me!
Giles: Sigh... thattaway.

Angel: Buffy! You finally came!
Buffy: What, you know me?
Angel: I stalked you in high school. It was pretty disturbing. Want me to lead you to the Master?
Buffy: I dunno... can I trust you?
Angel: I am by far the most trustworthy man on Earth.

Giles: ...like an AU. I summon thee, Anyanka.
Anyanka: FEAR MY POWER, MORTAL! (pause) Well? Fear it.
Giles: Hardly. I demand that you reverse Cordelia's wish.
Anyanka: Not a chance! This Sunnydale kicks the real one's butt. And why aren't you fearing?
Giles: Oh, I know I'm in no danger. You can't harm me unless I wish for you to harm me!
Anyanka: Unless what?
Giles: I wish for you to harm me! -- Oh bloody hell.

Angel: GAK!
Vampire Xander: GAK!
Vampire Willow: GAK!
Buffy: GAK!
The Master: What is this, Hamlet?

Anyanka: Wait! Don't smash my pendant! I'll... I'll kiss you!
Giles: Just how gullible do you think I am?
Anyanka: It could happen! I'd just need to be really drunk or something.
Giles: Oh, shut up. (smash)


Cordelia: By the time I'm through, you'll look a thousand -- what am I talking about? You look great.
Anya: What? NOOOOO! All my wishes are undone!
Cordelia: Okay, I've heard of having trouble taking compliments, but this is ridiculous.
Anya: I'll get you for this. I'll take everything that's yours! Your romance with Xander, your friction with Willow, your shallowness....
Cordelia: Weren't you going to do that anyway?
Anya: Yeah, but now it's personal.
(The Grr Arrgh demon crosses the screen at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on August 4, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of material in here is copyrighted by Mutant Enemy, but since they unofficially encourage fanfic and such, I doubt there'll be any trouble. Unless their legal consultants are with Wolfram & Hart, in which case all bets are off.

All material © 2003, Colin Hayman.