Five-Minute Sid Meier's Civilization III

by Tate

Player: Abraham Lincoln? But this is 2000 BC! How can you be here?
Lincoln: (over the emissary) All the civilizations in the game are here from the beginning.
Player: I thought this was a game based on history!
Lincoln: Wait and see how you feel when you're still facing the Romans in 2000 AD.

Military Advisor: Our war against the Romans goes well. We have recaptured our city of Delphi, but the citizens there are unhappy with you.
Player: Why?
Citizens: It's because of the heavy oppression you have laid upon us. You can't treat us like slaves just to advance your petty wars!
Player: But I haven't oppressed anyone. It was Caesar!
Citizens: Eh, same difference.

Domestic Advisor: President, our citizens are (sob) happy.
Player: That's great news. Why are you so sad about it?
Domestic Advisor: I've been planning on running against you next election. I don't have a platform to run on if everything is going well for the country. Oh well, at least we're losing the war.
Player: Actually, we stopped fighting the war fifty turns ago. And we're not a Democracy in the sense that I can actually be voted out of office.
Domestic Advisor: Great, just dash all my dreams, will you?

Military Advisor: The loyal citizens of Orleans have overthrown their oppressors and have pledged allegiance to us!
Player: If they're loyal citizens, why aren't they staying with their country?
Military Advisor: Does that mean you want me to rebuff the rebels?
Player: Are you kidding? We get a free city! Hoo-yeah!

Foreign Advisor: The Romans and the French have signed a trade embargo against us. Didn't I tell you they were evil?
Player: No, you didn't.
Foreign Advisor: Oops. I must have forgotten to put that on my to-do list.

Player: I've won the game by building a spaceship to colonize Alpha Centauri. All that's left is to give a speech. (ahem) As we send Captain Garland and his intrepid crew off to explore a strange new world, our only desire is that they won't be killed by the mindworms.
Garland: What?
Player: I said our only desire is that this voyage will be untainted by the violence that has plagued man since the dawn of time. Was I unclear?

Player: As I watch my spaceship soar off to Alpha Centauri, I turn to hear the praises of my adoring rivals.
Lincoln: Next time I'll play without one arm tied behind my back.
Caesar: Next time I'll play without one arm tied behind my back.
Bismarck: Next time I'll play without one arm tied behind my back.
Joan d'Arc: Next time I'll play without one arm tied behind my back.
Caesar: Next time I'll play without one arm tied behind my back.
Player: I'm bored. When does multiplayer come out?
(The spaceship sails away at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Player: Let's see how this works.
Play the World: (CRASH!)
Player: Bummer.
(Player waits for the next expansion pack to come out at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Mesopotamia

Player: All right. I've got the lighthouse, the colossus, the pyramids, and the hanging gardens. I just need three more wonders and my collection will be complete.
Hatshepsut: Hey! The pyramids are supposed to be in Egypt!
Hammurabi: Yeah! And those hanging gardens should be mine!
Player: Er, trade you for a Mausoleum?

Rise of Rome

Player: Wait a minute. My capital city is called "Roma"? Why not "Rome"?
Hannibal: We use the Latin names here. Speaking of which, prepare to face the wrath of Carthago!
Player: Carthago delenda est!
Hannibal: I guess I asked for it....

Fall of Rome

Player: And now, having built the Roman Empire to its finest, I'll have the fun of tearing it down... with the aid of thousands of barbarians! Charge!
Other Barbarian Tribes:
Player: Or I could destroy Rome all by myself. (sigh)

Middle Ages

Player: I hope my civilization can last through these Viking invasions long enough for me to establish it as the dominant nation in Europe.
Vikings:
Player: I said "I hope my civilization can last through these Viking invasions."
Vikings:
Player: Right. On to the crusades.

Mesoamerica

Pachacuti: Welcome to Mesoamerica. I'm going to win a cultural victory by killing your workers.
Player: Hmm... a "culture of death"? Sounds intriguing, but I have a better idea. I think I'll win the cultural victory without any human sacrifice, thank you very much.
Pachacuti: What? You can't do that!
Player: Can't hear you. Too busy winning.
Pachacuti: Hmmph. I'd like to see you get away with that at Monarch difficulty.

Age of Discovery

Player: Great! I get to colonize America, hoard up treasure, and send it back to my capital. I'll win this conquest easily, especially because nobody else is interested in winning.
Queen Isabella: Hey, if you wanted more AI competition, you shouldn't have set the difficulty to Chieftain level.
Player: You misunderstand. I like it this way -- I get to win!

Sengoku: Sword of the Shogun

Player: Ooh, Sengoku! I love this game. Now, where should the nine go in column five? Row seven?
Daimyo Oda Nobunaga: Psst. You're thinking of Sudoku. This is Sengoku, a scenario in which you try to become Shogun of Feudal Japan.
Player: Row six? No, that wouldn't work...

Napoleonic Europe

Player: Hear ye, oh Europe. We must band together to fight the onslaught of Napoleon.
King Willem: The Dutch are with you, George.
Prince João VI: The Portuguese pledge themselves to oppose the French.
King Ferdinand IV: The Neopolitans are steadfast. We will stand with you to the bitter --
Player: What? Neapolitan is a nationality? I always thought it was just an ice cream flavor.
Ferdinand: As I was saying, we will stand --
Player: A whole nation of chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. What an idea!
Ferdinand: (sigh)

WWII in the Pacific

Player: Hey, did you know that "pacific" means "peaceful"?
Japanese Bombers: Bang! Bang! Bang!
Player: Guess not.

Sid Meier: Congratulations! You won every single conquest! That means you're the King of --
Player: Yeah, sure, fine. Well, so long. I'm off to buy Civilization IV.
(Player runs to the store at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

THE END

Got a comment on this guest fiver? Contact the author, Tate.

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