Five-Minute Dragon Ball Z: The Legacy of Goku

by Zeke

Narrator: Check this out! It's the actual Dragon Ball Z theme song!
Player: Ow! My eyes!
What, aren't you impressed with the amazing power of the Game Boy Advance?
Player: I guess having this on a handheld at all is cool, but the quality is terrible!
And on that note, let's start the game!

Goku: Hey everybody! I have a son now --
Master Roshi: We all know how the plot goes, Goku. Time for game stuff!
Goku: Oh, okay. Am I sparring with somebody or --
Master Roshi: Go fetch three magazines I left lying around.
Goku: This doesn't bode well.

Just then, everything changed with the arrival of Goku's evil brother from space!
Raditz: 'Sup.
Goku: Weren't you supposed to run into Piccolo first?
Oh, we're skipping the parts you weren't in. This is Legacy of GOKU, after all.
Krillin: I don't think I like the sound of this.
Goku: I do!
(Raditz steals Gohan)
Goku: Don't like that so much.

Piccolo: Goku, I just ran into that guy too. I think. Can't seem to remember it now. The point is he's too strong for either of us alone.
Goku: I have a plan! You fly straight to Raditz, I'll walk from my house and take him by surprise!
Piccolo: ...Huh?
Goku: Don't worry, you won't have to actually fight him! Apparently this game follows me all the time. Nothing will happen till I get there.
Piccolo: So why don't you just come with me now?
Goku: Gotta get a few levels.

Chi-Chi: Hey, where's --
Goku: No time to talk! I have to go kill lots of the local snakes and boars!
Chi-Chi: Why? Are they dangerous?
Goku: (several deaths later) Yes. Yes they are.

Goku: Mind if I cut through your house?
Old Man: First find my cat and go do favours for people in town.
Goku: But my son is in danger and this is the only way to reach him!
Old Man: Sounds important. You'd better find my --
Goku: Fine, fine. It'll fit in my pocket, right?

Boy: Yay, you got my toy boat! Now I don't have to move from this spot!
Goku: No problem, young boy! Gosh, it's fun being in town doing all these favours for people.
(distant scream)
Goku: I just wonder why I have this feeling of forgetting something.
(distant scream)
Goku: And why you in particular remind me of it. Yes, you, young b-- oh no.

Goku: SORRY! Sorrysorrysorry! This guy with this cat wouldn't let me through his house and he taught me the Solar Flare for some reason and --
Piccolo: Nah, don't worry, you were right. He hasn't done anything.
Goku: Great! Let's fight him!
Piccolo: I don't think I can do that part. It's your game, right?
Goku: ...Ah. Downsides.

Raditz: Ow! Ow! Come on, is the cutscene ever gonna --
Raditz: Finally. Also, GAK!
Piccolo: Sorry I had to kill you too. Well, kinda sorry. I'm not all that redeemed yet.
Goku: S'okay. Can you give Gohan one last message for me?
Piccolo: Is it "GAK"?
Goku: No, just tell him he needs to work on his participation in these cutscenes. He was supposed to break out and attack Raditz.
Piccolo: Ah, point taken. If he can't figure that stuff out in time for Vegeta, we're really screwed.

And so Goku died! His soul soon arrived at the sorting point of the afterlife...
Goku: ...and since my friends are going to wish me back, can I skip the whole heaven thing and go train?
King Yemma: You can go train in heaven if you want. With God personally!
Goku: Wait, isn't God you? Or at least Kami here?
Kami: Yo.
King Yemma: Goku, this series' cosmology is like an onion in two ways. One, no matter how many layers of gods you find, there's always one more.
Goku: And two?
King Yemma: Looking at it too close will make you cry.

Goku: So this is Snake Way! Wasn't expecting it to be this...
Princess Snake: Orthogonal?
Goku: I was going to say boring. No wonder the actual show skips over this, there's nothing here.
Princess Snake: Except me! I'm an optional boss! Let's fight!
Goku: Sorry, can't risk it. So far I've died to everything on the first try. I do not want to find out what happens if I die while I'm dead.

Just then, Goku lost his balance and fell off Snake Way!
(Screencap of Goku falling off a truck)
Goku: ...Okay, how many cents was this game made for?

Red Ogre: Welcome to HFIL!
Goku: Are we really doing this?
Red Ogre: If by "this" you mean the most brilliant censorship ever, yes! Yes we are doing it! Go do sidequests!
Blue Ogre: Ha ha ha! There is no mercy in HFI L!
Red Ogre: Hey! Too obvious. Besides, no one underlines in fivers.

Goku: Glad I'm finally out of there. Now it's smooth sailing to King Kai's planet!
King Kai: Welcome! Go catch Bubbles and Gregory.
Goku: Oh great, this made the cut.
King Kai: Don't worry, the high gravity didn't.

Goku: Done!
King Kai: Good work. Now I shall teach you...
Goku: Here we go...
King Kai: ...the mighty Ka...
Goku: C'mon, c'mon...
King Kai: ...mehameha.
Goku: What?
King Kai: Hey, you think I'm happy about this? The Kaio-ken is named after me. At this rate you'll learn it from the Yardrats.

And so, armed with an amazing new move --
Goku: I learned this when I was a KID!
But the audio clip is cool, right?
Goku: It's supposed to be a long-range blast! This one goes about ten feet!
ANYWAY, Goku returned to Earth, wished back by the Dragon Balls!
Goku: Hey, where am I? Did the dragon just put me "on Earth", not anywhere specific?
Why? You got somewhere to be?
Goku: YES!

Krillin: What took you so long?! The Saiyans killed everyone but me and Gohan!
Goku: But this time the sidequests were skippable! I came straight --
Krillin: Relax, I'm just messing with you. The others didn't even come. They figured there's no practical difference between dying offscreen and just not showing up.
Goku: Huh... okay then. Time to fight Nappa!
(Merciless beating noises)
Krillin: Maybe you should have done those sidequests.

Gohan: Dad, I can help! I discovered something before you got here! Start flying and let him shoot you!
Goku: Huh? Uh, okay... OW!
Gohan: See? Now you're not flying but the game still thinks you are. You're invincible!
Nappa: (whiffing punches) Aw, come on!
Goku: Wow! But if you figured that out, how come you still lost?
Gohan: I hit the fly button again. Don't do that.

Nappa: GAK!
Vegeta: Oh, sure, kill him before I get the chance. Well, now you face a true Saiyan!
(one minute later)
Vegeta: Impressive! But now I'll get serious!
(two minutes later)
Vegeta: Okay, seriously, what is this? I can't lay a finger on you!
Goku: You'll understand one day, Vegeta. True power only comes from having something to protect!
Krillin: Or a fly button.
Goku: Or a fly button! -- Wait, shhh.

Vegeta: Ha ha! You're in trouble now, Kakarot! For now the cutscenes begin! *goes Oozaru*
Goku: Aw, they sprited that but I don't get to fight it in-game? Also, ow.
(Screencap of Yajirobe cutting off Vegeta's tail)
Krillin: He still does that? Even without being introduced at all? They couldn't have just let me use my Destructo... oh, forget it.
Goku: Uh oh. Now what? I don't have the Spirit Bomb!
Krillin: I for one don't miss it. Not anymore, anyway.

Goku: Guess we'll have to go straight to the finale! Gohan, did you figure out cutscenes while --
Gohan: (goes Oozaru, wrecks Vegeta, transforms back)
Goku: Good work. Okay, Vegeta, get outta here!
Vegeta: You... you could kill...
Goku: Mercy is the mark of a great --
Vegeta: No, do it! Please! I don't want to be in this game anymore!
Goku: Oh, then in that case we'll call it punishment.

Krillin: Oh boy! Here comes my favourite part! It's just me and Gohan on Namek, caught in a desperate cat-and-mouse game against both Vegeta and Frieza! This'll really challenge the playe--
Goku: That's all before I get there, right?
Krillin: Oh no.
Goku: Guess we're skipping it. The game'll pick up when I land.
Krillin: But... but...
Goku: See you on Namek, buddy!
Krillin: *twitch*

And so Goku arrived on Namek, having spent the trip training in 100x normal gravity!
Goku: I don't suppose there's any in-game effect from that?
Goku: Ah. Welp, time to cheat some more!
Minor Frieza Soldier: ZAP
Goku: (one load-screen later) Okay, first I level till I can survive one shot, then I cheat some more.

King Kai: (telepathically) Goku, what are you doing? The Ginyu Force is --
Goku: I know, but I have to get through this big temple that wasn't even in filler episodes! It's like a giant maze and there are these three crystals and teleporters everywhere and statues of Nail for some reason!
King Kai: Oh no. They put a puzzle in a game where the only player character is you?
Goku: Hey! I have good ideas all the time. Just you wait, I'll handle this.

(Ten hours later)
King Kai: Still there, I see.
Goku: Yeah. It occurs to me that my good ideas pretty much only happen in fights.
King Kai: Well, I can't do much from here. Is there anyone else there you can talk to?
Goku: Hmm... who do I know who's on Namek right now... and is smart... and is so disconnected from the plot that I can talk to them without messing it up?

Bulma: Okay, so I've taken a good look at this puzzle.
Goku: And?
Bulma: It's not your fault. The whole stupid thing makes no sense. I have no idea what to do.
Goku: Shoot. I forgot to include "isn't completely useless this arc" on my list of requirements.
Bulma: Excuse me?

And so Goku continued to...
Goku: *stares at the narrator*
Why are you doing that? Wait, HOW are you doing that?
Goku: You're here. You know everything going on and you're not part of the plot. Why don't you just narrate what I should do?
I can't interfere! They'd never let me narrate again!
Goku: I mean, it's that or keep narrating "Goku continued to explore the temple" forever.

And so Goku escaped the temple and came to his friends' rescue!
Captain Ginyu: Hey! This is bullsh--
Two of the gems weren't even in the temple, okay? He was NOT getting here under his own power.

Captain Ginyu: Very well, Goku. But now we'll see if you can defeat four of the greatest warriors in the galaxy!
Goku: Four?
Krillin: We still got to beat Guldo offscreen. I'm as surprised as you.
Goku: Neat. Okay, I'm gonna fly, you shoot me real quick.
Krillin: What?
Goku: Don't take this personally, but you're the only one here I'm sure I can take a shot from.
Krillin: Gohan's right he-- oh, fine, no point in kidding myself.

Captain Ginyu: I... can't... believe...
Goku: That I beat you all? That's because true power comes fro--
Captain Ginyu: No, not that. I just can't believe you did it one weak punch at a time while somehow invincible! And I don't even get to do my body-switch routine! It's not fair!
Goku: No, here's what's not fair...
(Screencap of Goku in regeneration pod)
Goku: See? I didn't take one hit and you still got credit for beating me to a pulp. And here you are complaining.

A short time later, during which nothing of note occurred, Goku was fully healed...
Gohan: Dad! You're our only hope! Vegeta and Piccolo both failed to stop Frieza!
Goku: Nothing of note, huh?
At this point, what's one more cut?
Goku: Piccolo was literally not on the planet yet!

Krillin: Before you fight Frieza, you'd better level up as much as you can on the guards outside.
Goku: Aw, it's fine. Just shoot me again and I'm good to go!
(One death later)
Krillin: Glitch stops working when you leave the screen, huh?
Goku: That, and the one hit I landed did 0.05 damage. Which way to the guards?

And so, a while later, Goku finally challenged Frieza for real!
Frieza, 1st Form: Surprise! You're supposed to be meeting me in my final form, but you're so weak I don't feel the need!
Goku: I get to fight all your forms, but not Guldo? Weird.
Frieza, 1st Form: All? As if you'll even be getting past my --
(Moments later)
Frieza, 2nd Form: Okay, but --
(Moments later)
Frieza, 3rd Form: You fought a lot of my guards, didn't you?

The scene changed! Cutscenes began! The Spirit Bomb was once again mercifully glossed over!
King Kai: (mutters)
Look, it just doesn't lend itself to gameplay. Anyway...
Frieza, Final Form: Behold my true form and despair!
Goku: Honestly, it looks the least scary out of all of them.
Frieza: Even if I do... this?
Krillin: Hey, I wasn't even here a second ago! This is total -- GAK!
Seeing his friend die filled Goku with rage!
Uh, yeah. So anyway. Super Saiyan.

Frieza: So you're blonde now! Big deal! I can still destroy you!
Goku: Hmm, he still hits hard... good thing I've been saving Senzu Beans all game for this!
You should probably check your bag.
Goku: ...So I can't help but notice there are only three in here.
It's a game balance thing. That or Vegeta robbed you while you were asleep.

Goku: Gotta think! Can't do the glitch... what else do I have? Uh, uh -- Solar Flare!
Frieza: Aagh! *stands still*
Goku: That'll let me land a couple of hits. But now what?
Frieza: Th-that's right, fool! You'll need something else! Your puny Solar Flare would never work twice!
Goku: ...Hmmm.
(One very drawn-out fight later)
Frieza: GAK!
Goku: All that power, but he couldn't figure out how to close his eyes. I can't decide if that's poetic or just dumb.

Congratulations! Let's celebrate your victory with glorious FMV!
Goku: That abbreviation makes me SO MAD!
Huh? What for?
Goku: Dunno. I'm just mad at everything right now.
Ah. Must be a Super Saiyan thing.
Goku: I think it's a "playing this entire game" thing.

And so Goku defeated Frieza! But did he survive? Find out in The Legacy of Goku II!
Goku: You can't be serious. They're doing a sequel?
It could be good!
Goku: It would have to be one of the greatest DBZ games ever made to make this one worthwhile.
Yeah, I guess you're right. What are the odds of that happening?
(The credits roll at Ludicrous Speed)


(One of the greatest DBZ games ever made later)
Goku: I'm gonna be honest. I'm still not sure this one was worthwhile.
Whine, whine, whine.

Comments? Complaints? Contact Zeke.

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This fiver was originally published on December 17, 2022.

DISCLAIMER: There's copyright infringement. There's the level beyond copyright infringement -- I guess you could call it copyright infringement 2. And THIS is to go EVEN FURTHER BEYOND!

All material © 2022, Zeke.