Five-Minute Metroid

by Zeke

Samus's Log, Year 20X5: I wish they'd go back to regular numbers. Anyway, the Galactic Federation wants me to go defeat a "mechanical life vein". When I get back, I'm having the ship's translation system checked out.

Samus: Planet Zebes... I called this place home once, long before --
Zoomers, Skrees, Wavers, and Rippers: (attack)
Samus: OWW! Before everything on the planet went crazy!

Maru Mari: *glow*
Samus: Hmm, a glowing orb. And a sign that says "It's dangerous to go alone! Take this." Well, okay.
(Samus touches it and turns into a tiny ball)

Samus: Never doing that again. Never doing that again. Never doing that again.
Skree: Oh no, she's heading for that pack of missiles! I must stop her! *slams into the ground and explodes*
Samus: Missiles?
Pipe Monster: We'll never let you get them! You'd kill us all! Banzai! *zooms past Samus and into a wall*
Samus: I'm starting to think I don't need them.

Red Door: Yo.
Samus: Okay, I need them.

Chozo Statue: Behold the Long Beam!
Samus: If this is spam, you're barking up the wrong tree.
Chozo Statue: No no, it's a powerup. With it, your shots will go farther and make a neat sound.
Samus: Well, okay... if you're sure about the neat sound.

Samus: Ack! It's those two Pirate bosses they mentioned in the briefing! Die, monsters!
Shots: *pwing pwing pwing*
Samus: Wait... statues? Oh, this must be that Tourian lock system that doesn't trigger till I kill them. Wonder how that works.
Samus: Yeah, I guess that sound is neat enough.

Chozo Statue: Behold the Bomb upgrade!
Samus: Great! This should make up for my pathological inability to point my gun at the floor. How do I use it?
Chozo Statue: You need only morph into a ball and... Hey! Come back!

(Several hours later)
Chozo Statue: Couldn't get anywhere without it, eh?
Samus: Hand it over and shut up.

Samus: *demorphs* Okay, the bombs are cool, but that ball thing is still giving me chills.
Chozo Statue: Have I got an item for you. Behold the Ice Beam!
Samus: *freezes an enemy* Awesome! ...Wait, how the hell is it staying in the air?
Chozo Statue: What am I, a physicist?

Samus: Hmm. Looks like there's a secret room way up there.
Waver: (whoosh)
Samus: If I froze this thing and stood on it, maybe I could get to the door.
Waver: (sweat)
Samus: Eh... sounds like a pain. Maybe I'll come back later.
Waver: (whew)

Samus: Hmm, monster-shaped rocks near an elevator. I bet this leads to one of the bosses.
Elevator: Hop on!
Samus: Is it a long way down?
Elevator: Not really, but we need an excuse to palette-swap.

Monster: So, enjoying our boss hideout? You've gotta admit our music is the best on the planet.
Samus: But it's so empty here! Hardly any upgrades, nothing interesting to fight...
Monster: I think there's a giant worm down in the acid. Want me to call him up?
Samus: No thanks. Just point me to the boss.
Monster: Oh, Kraid's thattaway. Heh heh. Heheheheh. HAHAHAHA!
Samus: What's so funny?
Monster: Dunno. Kraid told us to laugh after telling you that.

Samus: Hey! You're not Kraid at all!
Fake Kraid: W-what? How did you know?
Samus: You look nothing like the picture in the manual! Here, look!
Fake Kraid: Wow, you're right, that really doesn't look much like Kraid. -- Who is me! Right here! He's not deeper in the hideout!
Samus: Huh. Apparently bad pictures have their uses.

Kraid: Gah! You, uh... you made a wrong turn! I'm only a fake Kraid!
Samus: Nice try. Met him already. I also found some cardboard standups of you and some minor enemies wearing "Hello, My Name Is Kraid" tags.
Kraid: Look, if your death were half of a locking mechanism, you'd take precautions too.
Samus: Right, thanks for reminding me. (click)
Kraid: Uh, could you maybe come back in a few months? My species gets really big, I just haven't had time to -- GAK!

Samus: *pant pant*
Chozo Statue: Beating Kraid took a lot out of you, huh?
Samus: That and going all the way back across the planet afterwards.
Chozo Statue: Shoulda gone for Ridley first.
Samus: Did I ask for your advice?
Chozo Statue: If you had, you wouldn't be here. I give out the same beam you already have.

Samus: Tell me you have something new.
Chozo Statue: High Jump Boots, baby!
Samus: Is footwear that big a factor in how high a person can jump?
Chozo Statue: Well, they also discreetly make you one pixel taller.

Samus: Boy, this Norfair place is powerup central. What've you got for me?
Chozo Statue: The mighty Wave Beam. It shoots through walls!
Samus: So how will I know if I'm hitting anything?
Chozo Statue: What am I, a psychologist?

Chozo Statue: Psst! Up here! One more for the road!
Samus: Okay. What've you got?
Chozo Statue: The Screw Attack!
Samus: (blink)
Chozo Statue: Yeah, I know, but it's great! You can kill things by jumping right into them!
Samus: This sounds like something a bad guy in disguise would offer me.
Chozo Statue: And it makes a neat sound!
Samus: ...Hand it over.

Samus: Another monster head -- must lead to the other boss hideout. About time.
Elevator: Something wrong?
Samus: I can't really complain with all these powerups, but there hasn't been much to use them on.
Elevator: I know a giant bug who has like a million forms. Want me to give him a ring?
Samus: Oh sure, tell me now that I am about to fight somebody!

Samus: Hey random monster, which way to Ridley?
Monster: I have a name, you lout! It's Scott to you!
Samus: Fine. Which way to Ridley, Scott?
Monster: I'm not telling. Maybe if you'd been polite -- GAK!
Samus: *rolls eyes* Aliens.

Ridley: Mwahaha! Didn't they tell you to expect me, Sssamus?
Samus: I thought it had to be someone else with the same name! Kraid didn't look like his picture in the manual, but you look nothing like yours!
Ridley: Consssidering what the manual says about you, I think I'm doing o--
Samus: *aims every weapon on the planet*
Ridley: Hmm. Perhapsss we could discuss --
Ridley: Oh, that'sss just barely canon. Besssides, they weren't even all that filli-- GAK!

Samus: What an ordeal... but at last my family is avenged. Won't be seeing that guy again. And now I can get into Tourian!
Samus: Which means I have to walk back to Tourian.
Random Monster: Ha ha!
Samus: Oh, shut up. At least I can go places.

(much, much later)
Samus: Okay! Tourian, here I come! *shoots statues*
Kraid Statue: Uh, was that a Wave Beam shot? You should really go get the Ice Beam back.
Samus: Why? This one's better.
Ridley Statue: Trust us, you really want the Ice Beam for Tourian.
Samus: But I --

Samus: That's what they said.
Chozo Statue: Well, here it is again. Pity you can't combine both beams, huh?
Samus: Or at least carry them separately. What a pain.
Chozo Statue: By the way, is it just me or do you seem a bit taller?
Samus: Shh!

Samus: Hmm, this room again. I feel like there was something I was going to come back here for...
Waver: *holds very, very still*
Samus: Oh yeah! I was going to freeze you! Thanks for reminding me by not moving.
Waver: *swears*

Chozo Statue: Behold the Varia!
Samus: That's not a word.
Chozo Statue: Yeah, I think there's a language barrier here. But it'll double your defense! (And turn you funny colours.)
Samus: Did you just whisper something?
Chozo Statue: Don't be silly. Statues can't talk.

Samus: Okay, it took long enough, but I've finally reached Tourian. The briefing said the pirates are keeping something called Metroids here...
Metroid: SKREE
Samus: Awww, it's so cu-- GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!

Metroids: SKREE
Samus: They're everywhere! Think, Samus! Consult the furthest depths of your inner mind! Didn't the Chozo once warn you about something like this?
Old Bird: Young Samus, let's suppose hypothetically that you happen to run into flying jellyfish monsters that can drain energy, even through your Power Suit.
Samus: Why would --
Old Bird: It's just a thing that might conceivably happen and would totally not be our fault if it did. Anyway, you must always remember their crippling weakness...

Metroid: SKREE! SKR-- (blam)
Samus: That's right! For all their power, they can't pass through doors! Thanks, Old Bird!
Another Metroid: SKREE?
Samus: Yeah, he also mentioned something about cold and explosives, but this seems simpler.

Samus: This must be the big boss's room. Let's see what I'm up against...
Rinkas: DOINK
Samus: ...Turrets that shoot Cheerios?
Zeebetites: BULGE
Samus: And... glass tubes full of spaghetti sauce. Houston, we have a problem.

Mother Brain: <Welcome back, Hatchling! As you can see, I've taken Zebes over!>
Samus: This is the final boss? This... brain in a jar?
Mother Brain: <Hahahaha! My Space Pirates will conquer the galaxy and it's all totally the Chozo's fault!>
Samus: I guess I just pump it full of missiles, huh?
Mother Brain: <Wait, can you not hear my telepathy? Dammit, I knew I should have built a body for myself! Something with a mouth!>
(33 missiles later)
Mother Brain's Rubble: <And perhaps a weapon or two.>

Intercom: Warning. Auto-destruct enabled.
Samus: Oh no! How will I get all the way back through Tourian in time?
Wall Behind Mother Brain: *crumble*
Samus: Whew, she had a secret escape stairway.
Samus: Wait... what was a brain in a jar going to do with a secret escape stairway?

Tourian: (BOOOOOOM)
Samus: Oh, I guess I didn't need to run back to my ship. It was just Tourian that was rigged to explode. Silly of me to think the entire planet could be.
Mother Brain's Rubble: <Hmmmm....>

Mission complete! Congratulations!
Samus: Dunno who's talking, but thanks!
You've wiped out all the deadly Metroids! Unless there are more.
Samus: There probably are. They were respawning as soon as I got six feet from them.
Let's hope someday the galaxy is at peace!
Samus: Not me, I'd be out of a job. Anyway, let's finally get this stuffy helmet off...
Every Single Kid Playing NES in the 1980s: GASP!
Samus: What? Oh shoot, do I have helmet-hair again? Let me shake it loose.
The Last Few Who Hadn't Realized Yet: GASP!


Comments? Complaints? Contact Zeke.

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This fiver was originally published on October 9, 2021.

DISCLAIMER: This stuff belongs to Nintendo. But to be fair, they've been known to go eight years without even using it...

All material © 2021, Zeke.