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Five-Minute "Through the Fire"

by Zeke

Doc: Rats! Gotta go. You gonna be okay without me?
Seven: I've been trying to get rid of you all day, you stalker.

Flowers: Buy us! Buy us for Captain Janeway!
Seven: I dunno...isn't flower-giving usually a romantic thing? And can't she just replicate her own? And what would I buy you with in a moneyless society?
Flowers: It's sad that you can nitpick in the face of our fragrant natural beauty.
Seven: You're not fooling anybody but yourselves, my artificial friends.
Flowers: Oh, that does it! I'm gonna tip off that big anti-Seven mob!
Seven: The J/Cers?
Flowers: Yeah, them.

Nechayev: Hear ye, hear ye. The blindingly unfair trial of the Maquis will now begin.
Torres: You know, I liked her better when she at least pretended to be on our side.

Lieutenant: (over the comm) No way. You're not getting into the blindingly unfair trial of the Maquis. Well, unless you can set me up with that bombastic babe behind you.
Janeway: Oh, hi Seven. What's up?
Seven: Not much, just emotional trauma. This crowd surrounded me and dogged my every step.
Janeway: I'd think you'd be used to that by now, what with Doc and all....
Lieutenant: Hey, weren't you listening? I said, "unless you can set me up with"...oh, forget it. If anyone needs me, I'll be over here building up a grudge.

Janeway: So, think you can protect Seven from harm?
Tuvok: Not really. Whoa -- déjà vu! It's just like "Cause and Effect," but without the massive, brain-numbing tedium!
Janeway: Good, I won't have to kill you. Which episode was the flashback from?
Tuvok: "In the Eye of Empwhatever," I think.
Janeway: The episode whose J/C scenes redefined the phrase "My GOD, this is unsubtle"? I may have to kill you after all.

Seven: You know, I was just faking the whole not-returning-your-affection thing. The goal was to preserve our friendship and, as a side benefit, put you in extreme pain.
Doc: Well, I can't say you weren't considerate...but this is sounding a lot like J/C.
Seven: So?
Doc: So you're comparing me to Chakotay! What have I done to deserve this treatment?

Kim: I have a hot date with my fiancée. Help me prepare.
Paris: You know a zillion times more about her than I do, so what help do you expect me to provide?
Kim: I like to learn by example -- tell me the things you did on dates, and I'll make a point of doing none of them.
Miral: Stop insulting my daddy!
Kim: Make me.

Libby: Are you okay? You look like you've just been beat up.
Kim: Don't mess with Miral. Anyway, let's talk about Sev--
Libby: Hang on, I need to take a call about Seven.
Kim: Speak of the devil!
Libby: That's the plan, yeah.

Icheb: Remember me?
Seven: Not really. Please leave now, it's time for me to be abducted.
Icheb: Yeesh. I used to be somebody on this show.

Darrow: ....at which point the Liberty robbed, pillaged, looted, and other bad stuff.
Ross: Now, Commander, can you prove that it was them?
Darrow: Well, this sensor data is def--
Ross: Data can be faked. Can you prove on purely theoretical grounds that it was them?
Darrow: No, but what does that matter? I can't prove on purely theoretical grounds that I didn't start World War I, but--
Nechayev: GASP! Guards, arrest this man for the murder of Archduke Ferdinand!

Doc: I can't find Seven! I can't find Seven!
Janeway: Then there's no time to lose -- we'll send out Starfleet's most capable security officer!
Tuvok: (over the comm) I'm flattered.
Janeway: I was talking about Harry. Tag along with him; maybe you'll learn something.

Libby: Welcome to my hideout. BWAHAHAHA!
Seven: Shouldn't you be going by some pseudonym like "Mysterious Voice" or "Captor"? "Libby" just gives it away.
Libby: Oh, come on. My identity was about as big a secret as the vast J/C-wing conspiracy that runs the universe.
Seven: Janeway and Chakotay don't know about that conspiracy.
Libby: Janeway and Chakotay have the combined romantic perspicacity of a used dryer sheet.
Seven: Point.

Kim: Okay, let's begin the inv--
Tuvok: You'll get one thing clear first. You are not in charge and I am not taking your suggestions. Janeway can make me work with you, but that's all.
Kim: Well, okay. What's your plan?
Tuvok: Simple. Seven likes perfection, right? So we go to Vulcan, devote our lives to the pursuit of Kolinahr, return in a state of perfect logic, and use ourselves as bait to draw her out.
Kim: Look, why don't we just call up my girlfriend, who's in on the scheme?
Tuvok: How do you know that?
Kim: I got an anonymous tip from a used dryer sheet. Very perspicacious guy.

Ross: Our verdict is as follows: you Maquis are officially pardoned for all your crimes, past, present, and future, and will each receive the title "Hero of the Universe." This court also grants you each a tropical island, a Sovereign-class starship, and a package of Babybel cheeses.
Chakotay: Hmm...I guess that's not too bad a fate. But didn't Admiral Nechayev object? For that matter, where is she now?
Ross: I shoved her down a turboshaft on the way to deliberations. No jury would convict.

Tuvok: Release Seven, you evil conspirators!
Libby: No way! We all have excellent reasons to kill her, right?
Flowers, Lieutenant, Icheb, Doc, and 2500 Disgruntled Fanfic Writers: Right!
Kim: That's the longest speaker credit I've ever seen. Anyway, you'd better give up Seven. I wouldn't kill you with my phaser...but Tuvok here is a little bit forgetful about what the buttons do.
Libby: Nice try.
Kim: No, really, he is. He killed half the population of Wyoming on the way here.
Libby: All five of them? Oh no! We give up, we give up!

Chakotay: A toast to our new freedom, and to Admiral Ross, who won the court battle for us out of the goodness of his heart.
Ross: Goodness, schmoodness. You poozers are mine now.
Chakotay: Oh. What do you want us to do?
Ross: Nothing...yet. But expect to hear from me just before the coup.

Kim: Hey, you kissed me!
Seven: That was a Platonic gesture. Don't expect me to pose for you.
Kim: I bet you say that to all the chumps.

Chakotay: And away I go on some undetermined adventure!
Janeway: (over the comm) What, you're just going to leave me here to be bored by Andorians?
Chakotay: Sure looks that way, doesn't it?
(Chakotay ditches Janeway at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 6, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.