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Five-Minute "Vis Vis"

by Kira

Doc: What are you doing?
Paris: Putting some new parts on my holographic hot rod.
Doc: What about me?
Paris: Now that you mention it, you could use a new muffler...

Steth: Can you send Tom over to fix my ship?
Janeway: Only if you promise not to steal his identity just because he's suddenly bored with his life.
Steth: Nope.
Janeway: Oh, well.

Chakotay: So, Tom, what's wrong?
Paris: I'm bored -- there's nothing but reruns on the Holodeck.
Chakotay: Are you suddenly disgruntled and restless for no apparent reason other than to further the plot?
Paris: Lucky guess.

Paris: (sighs) Gee, Steth, your life's pretty good. My life is boring.
Steth: Then you won't mind if I take it off your hands. Yoink!
Steth (Paris): What the...?
Paris (Steth): Bye now.

Janeway: I'm going to have Tom build a shuttle with the new propulsion system.
Chakotay: Uh...Don't you remember what happened the last time we tried that?
Music: THE LOOOVE BOAT...
Janeway: Nah, I try not to. Now will somebody shut that music off?

Kim: You don't know where Sickbay is?
Paris (Steth): Uh...
Kim: You don't remember our golf game?
Paris (Steth): Uh...
Kim: Bye, Tom.

Doc: You're early.
Paris (Steth): Uh...
Doc: Recalibrate these tricorders.
Paris (Steth): Uh...
Doc: Are you stupid or something?
Paris (Steth): Uh...compared to you, yes.
Doc: Good enough. Take the day off.

Torres: What are you doing here?
Paris (Steth): Uh...
Torres: Don't you remember we had a fight?
Paris (Steth): Uh...
Torres: You're a pig.
Paris (Steth): Uh...I'm sorry?
Torres: Good enough. Let's make out.

Daelen: You jerk! That's my body!
Steth (Paris): Uh oh.

Janeway: You've been acting weird.
Paris (Steth): Meh.
Janeway: Report to Sickbay.
Paris (Steth): Meh...wait a minute -- no.

Paris (Janeway): Grrrrr!
Janeway (Steth): Hey, Tuvok -- little help?
Tuvok: Okay, but why does your name say "Steth" after it?
Janeway (Steth): It's a plot twist for later. Now shut up and get her...I mean him off of me.
Paris (Janeway): DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIE -- GAK!
Janeway (Steth): Excellent...I mean, take him to Sickbay.

Steth (Paris): Steth's got my body.
Daelen: Then who are you?
Steth (Paris): Well, I'm Steth, but I'm really Tom.
Daelen: Then who am I?
Steth (Paris): Uh...you're Steth...I think.
Daelen: Then who's the body-swapping alien?
Steth (Paris): Beats me.

Kim: The Captain's stealing a shuttle.
Chakotay: Stop her.
Kim: Yeah, right -- you mean like we usually do when somebody tries to steal a shuttle?
Chakotay: Shut up and pretend to try, okay?

Janeway (Steth): Ha! I'm Evil Janeway now!
Tuvok: Hey! That's my bit.
Janeway (Steth): Bite me.

Steth (Paris): Chakotay, it's me, Tom!
Chakotay: Prove it.
Steth (Paris): On my personal intelligence scale, you rank somewhere between Janeway's dog and anchovies.
Chakotay: Good enough.

Steth (Paris): So, we've got this figured out? You're Steth, I'm Tom, and Tom's you.
Daelen: Right.
Janeway (Steth): (over the comm) Hi guys.
Steth (Paris): Ohhhh boy.

Janeway (Steth): Ha! Sayonara, suckers.
Steth (Paris): (over the comm) Nice try, but you forgot about the technobabble.
Shuttle: Cough. Sputter. Wheeze.
Janeway (Steth): Drat.

Steth (the one who used to be the woman): I've got you now, loser!
Paris (yes, the real one): Ah...good old Voyager. You didn't make out with B'Elanna, did you?
Daelen (the one who started out as Steth and has been switching bodies and confusing everyone): Uh...no.
Paris: Okay.

Janeway: Are all the loose ends tied up?
Chakotay: Janeway back -- check. Pressed Reset Button [TM] on Tom's personality -- check. Alien conflict resolved -- check. New propulsion forgotten, never to be seen again -- check.
Janeway: What about the P/Ters? B'Elanna got it on with some guy who wasn't Tom.
Chakotay: Uh oh. We'd better throw them a bone, and quick.
Paris and Torres: Ooh, a Camaro.
(Tom and B'Elanna make out at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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This fiver was originally published on August 27, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Carolyn Paterson.