Five-Minute "Heroes and Demons"
by Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg

Captain's Log: We are investigating some unknown photonic energy activity -- thing-a-ma-jig; big surprise (yawn). However, I am engaged in a known phenomenon: trying to outshine my chief engineer, a pastime used by starship captains since The Inanimate Series.

Transporter: (BEAM)
Unknown Energy: (FRIZZLE)
Janeway: This will increase our power boost by 15%.
Torres: 20%, but it will take me days.
Janeway: Already learning from your predecessors, are we? You and the T/K shippers need some help... Kim. Kim? Janeway to Kim?

Janeway: Kim's gone missing.
Tuvok: All the shuttles are in -- you're in the clear, Commander.
Chakotay: Whew!
Tuvok: Detecting a holodeck program. Come along, we'll pin some blame on you yet.

Chakotay: Fascinating. It's the Beowulf epic. Monsters and swashbuckling, Viking style.
(Tuvok sighs)
Chakotay: Aren't you impressed?
Tuvok: With you, yes. With the writers mixing up our lines, no.

Freya: Speak as a friend, or stand challenged. Choose your reply well.
Tuvok: (dons sunglasses) We are on a mission from God.
Freya: Incorrect answer. (SLAP) Are you kinsmen of Beowulf?
Tuvok: Who's Beowulf?
Freya: (quietly) Cannonfodder. (ahem) "The gaze of a hero, jet black hair..."
Chakotay: Apart from the hero stuff, that's Kim. Hell yes, we're his kinsmen.
Freya: (SLAP) Correct answer, apart from the bad words. Follow me.

Freya: Here are two warriors who want to avenge Beowulf's death.
Hrothgar: They can prove their worthiness by staying guard.
Unknown Energy: (FRIZZLE)
Chakotay: I see the light!
Tuvok: Hey, that's my li--

Janeway: Chakotay, Tuvok; respond!
Paris: We've lost them.
Janeway: No Ensign Expendables on board, either.
Paris: We can't replicate them like shuttlecraft, you know.
Janeway: Let's go see someone of equal value.

Doctor: A holodeck adventure with the safety options disabled?
Janeway: Don't worry; you'll be as safe as my fingers are crossed.
Doctor: C-c-computer, access entire "Beowulf" epic.

Kes: I sense that you are nervous about this mission.
Doctor: Nonsense, Counselor Tr-- oh, Kes, come in.
Kes: Have you chosen a name yet?
Doctor: I've narrowed it down to three alternatives.
Kes: "Curly" hardly suits you; is it "Larry" or "Moe"?

Freya: Speak as a friend, or...
Doctor: Ah, Freya! Your reputation precedes you.
Freya: You mean my battle with Scyld? I burned his hall down.
Doctor: Alarming.
Freya: You were saying?
Doctor: Charming.

Unferth: Impress me.
Doctor: OK. (SLAP)
Unferth: I'm not impressed. (SLA--) OW! Hey, how'd you do that?
Doctor: Slapstick is so much better when it hits someone else....

Doctor: Hey, what's this?
Hrothgar: It's elk.
Doctor: I can't wait for dessert; I love a good chocolate mousse.
Hrothgar: You know, the elks used to run thick.
Doctor: I suppose that makes you feel lonely, being the only ones left.

Doctor: Never fear, Schweitzer's here. I'll stand guard tonight.
Freya: Not before I smooch you. You know where to find me.
Doctor: It's really below my dignity to say this, but... hubba hubba! Now what?
Energy: (FRIZZLE)

Paris: I've got him. He's unarmed.
Janeway: We'll give you an energy container as a peace offering this time.
Torres: I still prefer the phaser solution, but okay.
Doctor: Here goes nothing. (gulp)

Unferth: You are in league with Grendel. Gimme.
Doctor: No.
Unferth: Let me rephrase that. My name is Unferth. You could have killed my father. Prepare to die!
Freya: G-g-g...
Doctor: Freya! You're dying.
Freya: ...g-g-g... let me finish... g-AK!

Doctor: I need that container.
Unferth: Don't listen to him.
Doctor: I've got my friend here, Mr. Sword, that says you should.

Janeway: Doctor, I want to commend you. Have you chosen a name?
Doctor: Yes, but it gave me pain to hear it.
Janeway: Surely, it wasn't as plain ridiculous as Shmullus? It's not like you chose "Joe," either.
(Doctor glares at Janeway)

Janeway: Okay, you two, what did the creature say?
Chakotay: "Tedium is the worst pain."
Janeway: I know, that's why I avoid you, but what did it say?
Chakotay: Just that.
Tuvok: "Nihil ex nihilo." That is, "nothing from nothingness."
Janeway: Okay, now we know where they dig out all the plotholes, but we still can't get home.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Previous fiver: Prime Factors
Next fiver: Cathexis

Links:

• Trek Nation guide page
• Printable version

Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg.

Site navigation:
Home
___ Five-Minute Voyager
___ ___ Season 1
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Heroes and Demons"