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Five-Minute "Extreme Measures"

by Andy Taylor

Odo: So how long till I'm dead, Doc?
Bashir: Around an hour -- and that's with commercials.
Odo: Eep!
Kira: Don't worry, honey; I'm here to look after you now.
Odo: Please go.
Kira: You're right -- the resistance needs me, and plus I had to watch Bareil die, and then --
Odo: No, I don't want you making my last hours miserable!

O'Brien: So I guess we should tell Sisko of our plan to confront Section 31.
Bashir: What would that accomplish?
O'Brien: Well, someone to save us later, for a start.
Sisko: Huh? Well don't go using any Romulan Memory Scanning devices!
Bashir: Don't worry sir, we'll only be using the very best Plot ConvenienceTM devices this episode!

O'Brien: So you can't sleep?
Bashir: Nope. Big episode ahead of us.
O'Brien: I agree -- think of the nosedive our careers will take when this airs.
Bashir: I was reading the same page of "A Tale of Two Cities" over and over....
O'Brien: Why?
Bashir: I'm not sure -- the guy at the Plot ConvenienceTM Store warned me about it though.

Sloan: Hello, Doctor!
Bashir: Weird -- aren't their any other agents working for Section 31?
Sloan: None as gullible as I -- haha! Besides, they said something about a list? Hey, don't stun m-- OW!

Bashir: Well, my reasoning here is that you came to the station to destroy the cure I "have"....
Sloan: Yes.
Bashir: Therefore, you know what the cure is!
Sloan: That's a bit of a stretch, isn't it?
Bashir: Er....
Sloan: Well watch this for stupid -- I'm killing myself! "GAK!"
O'Brien: NOOO!
Bashir: He's faking it! Sort of. Well, he has under an hour to live.
O'Brien: Oh honestly, that's less than Odo! Damn him!

Bashir: Hmmm... let's go into his mind!
O'Brien: Okay! I'll build a submarine and we can go in through his ear, and exit through his --
Bashir: No! We can just technobabble his technobabble, and then technobabble the technobabble!
O'Brien: Phew! Well that's much less complicated than exiting through his --
Bashir: Chief!

Bashir: Well, we're in Sloan's head.
O'Brien: Cop-out! We're still on DS9!
Sloan: Hello. Welcome to my head.
O'Brien: (cough)
Sloan: The DS9 Art Director designed it.
O'Brien: Thank you.
Sloan: Well hurry along -- I won't let you die!
Bashir: Well he seems nice enough.
Sloan: Oh wifie, Rebecca -- how I wuv you! I'm sorry for all the pain I caused -- GAK!
The "Real" Sloan: Aha! You shall never find the cure -- NEVER!
Bashir: Oh fiddle, how annoying.

O'Brien: Tum-ti-tum....
Bashir: Do-bop-dee....
Guard: Time to die!
Bashir: Ow!
O'Brien: Ow!
Bashir: Uh oh. I can't get us out of here.
O'Brien: And you call yourself a loyal Plot ConvenienceTM shopper?

O'Brien: Don't be so defeatist! I believe in you!
Bashir: I always knew you liked me more than Keiko!
O'Brien: Er... when did I say....
Bashir: Even I, who love Ezri, like you more!
O'Brien: Huh?
Bashir: I said I --
O'Brien: You love Ezri! You said it, you can't go back now! Hahahahaha!
Bashir: Oops. I mean, so what?

"Sisko": Hello, you're, um, awake.
"Worf": Yes, you, er, are.
Bashir: How odd....
"Nurse": Sloan's dead!
Bashir: Oh crumbs -- and we didn't get what we wanted!
"Odo": Oh well, tough luck, ahem.... (fake sniff)
Bashir: Hmm....

"A Tale of Two Cities": It was the best of times; it was the worst of times... It was the best of times; it was the worst of times... It was the best of times; it was the worst of times... Maybe sometimes it was average, I don't know.
Bashir: Aha!

O'Brien: So the book told you we're in Sloan's head still? Riiiight. O'Brien to Infirmary -- oh, that won't work, you're here.
Bashir: Look -- Sloan only knows what I've read so far, so the book in his head is incomplete.
O'Brien: But literally everything else is fine? How implausible can you be in one episode?

Bashir: Aha! A room full of Section 31's secrets! How --
Sloan: Convenient? Don't you even think about saying that!
Bashir: Actually, I was going to say "cool." But now that you mention it....
O'Brien: Oh look, the cure is on this PADD I just picked up.
Sloan: Fine, you have what you wanted -- just don't forget to look at the rest of Section 31's secrets on your way out.
Bashir: Okay.
O'Brien: Julian!
Bashir: Sorry.


O'Brien: Poof?
Bashir: Well, what else can we get out of a cheap episode? Besides, we're safe.
O'Brien: And to think that the cure is just a tongue twister. How con--
Odo: Say it and I kill myself now!
Bashir: Fine! (clears throat) She sells sea shells on the sea shore!
Odo: Woohoo -- I'm cured!

O'Brien: Well that was a nasty episode -- though we still have one loose end.
Bashir: Oh, and what would that be? What happened to Kira's resistance group? Gul Dukat and Kai Winn's "secret" Pah Wraith worshipping? The fact that despite us both being in practically every scene of this episode you still haven't done anything interesting this year?
O'Brien: No! What the hell do you mean you like me more than Ezri? And as if you think I like you more than Keiko! What is wrong with you?
(O'Brien chases Bashir at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 6, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Andy Taylor.