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Five-Minute "Visiting Privileges"

by Nell

Kehin: Run, Ibis, run! Scary aliens are trying to kidnap Cardassian children!
Ibis: But why would they do such a thing?
Kehin: Isn't it obvious? Just look at how cute we are!
Ibis: Oh yeah.

Jake: (reporting) And in other news, angst and melodrama on Cardassia are said to be reaching record highs. Citizens are urged to stay indoors and wear protective clothing.

Hart: Man, are Dr. Bashir and his friends annoying.
Blake: Too right they are.
Tejral: Hey, I have an idea. Any time they try to talk to us, let's say something rude and storm out of the room.
Hart: That's petty and childish! I LOVE it!
Tejral: Okay, me first.

Jake: Hey Tejral, would you mind answering some que--
Tejral: Oh, don't even talk to me. I'm leaving!

Bashir: Commander, there's something I'd --
Hart: Gahh, you are such a dork! I'm outta here. (Hee hee! This is fun!)

Jake: So then I ask if he'd mind answering some questions and HE says--
Vak: Oh, blah blah blah. Enough with the whining already.
Kehin: Say mister, can I throw a rock at your head?
Vak: Sure, kiddo! (Ow.)
Jake: Oh, so I can't talk to you but he can hit you in the face?
Vak: Sorry, sorry. It's just... he's so cute....

Kehin: ... and then I was locked up by these short greedy aliens with big ears!
Bashir: Gosh, what species could that possibly be?
Garak: Heck if I know. Some sort of elephant?
Kehin: Okay, y'all are stupid. Did all the brains go to that Directorate group or something?

Mondrig: Watch me impress Rekel with my savvy negotiation skills. (Ahem.) Okay, Ferengi, I'll trade you these priceless artifacts in exchange for ten replicators.
Ferengi: How about the artifacts for two toasters and a George Foreman grill?
Mondrig: Okay.
Rekel: What? ARGH! If I wasn't a spy I would SO be smacking you right now!
Mondrig: See? She digs me.

Bashir: Ohhhh, they're Ferengi. That would have been my second guess.
Kehin: Yuh-huh.
Bashir: Right, time to be heroic. Come, children! Follow me to freedom!
Girl: I'm not following you nowhere! Pff. What a loser.
Garak: Aw, come on, please?
Girl: Oh, I will if you want me to. I just didn't want to be taking orders from Pansy Boy here.
Garak: Yeah, I wouldn't either.
Bashir: I heard that!

Rekel: Well, there's only one thing for me to do: get sneaky! Sneak sneak sneak....
Jake: Oo, let me try. Sneak sneak... um, sneak....
Rekel: You suck at this, kid.
Jake: Hey, I'm still adjusting! I haven't had character development since Season 5!

Rekel: Return the artifacts or suffer my wrath, Toad Boy.
Skal: Hah! Do your worst, you pitiful female.
Rekel: Fine, don't say I didn't warn you. Jake, get me a copy of "Let He Who Is Without Sin..."
Skal: AAAAAAAAAAAAA! Here! Take them! Take them!

Mondrig: Hey little boy, why don't you ditch those losers in the Reunion Project and hang out with the Directorate instead?
Kehin: Why?
Mondrig: Er... all the cool kids are doing it?
Kehin: Meh, not good enough.
Mondrig: We have a better dental plan?
Kehin: Now yer talkin'.

Bashir: Commander Hart, I need you to fix this comm unit and eavesdrop on the Ferengi, and you can't storm out of the room until you're finished.
Hart: Aw, nuts! Okay, fine, just don't breathe any of my air.

Ferengi #1: So basically, they invented this "visiting privileges" contract thing because it makes a nifty title for the story. See how that works?
Ferengi #2: Ohhhh, I get it. That's cute.
Ferengi #1: I dunno. All this Bashir fascination is a little on the lame side.
Ferengi #2: Especially since the guy's such a colossal nerd....
Bashir: I am not!
Ferengi #1: Hey! Who said that? Is someone spying on us?
Bashir: Um... no?

Rekel: Well, it's obvious the Ferengi don't want to leave. How are we going to force them out?
Garak: Don't worry, I have an idea. Oh, Juuuuuuliaaaaaan....

Bashir: Hey, Ferengi, would you--
Ferengi: You are such a freakin' idiot! We're leaving!
Bashir: Woohoo! And yet, I really wish people would stop doing that.

Mondrig: Say, Blake, we both think Bashir sucks the air out of small rooms. We should form a club.
Blake: I'll be president.
Mondrig: Hey! It was my idea!
Blake: Okay, okay, fine. We'll be CO-presidents.
Mondrig: That's better.
Blake: I still hate your lizard guts, you know that, right?
Mondrig: Oh, totally.

Bashir: Hi, Jake.
Jake: Oh, it's you again.
Bashir: Hey, be nice to me. I'm angst-ridden enough as it is.
Jake: Okay, sorry. By the way, there's this reporting thing I have to do. No offense, but....
Bashir: Let me guess. I'm boring and you're leaving.
Jake: How'd you know?
Bashir: Just a hunch.
(Jake runs off at Ludicrous Speed.)


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This fiver was originally published on August 25, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Christy Linell.