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Paneldemonium, Part 8

by Zeke

An incursion of Time Travel Week

(As the temporal reiteration wave hits, there is a brilliant flash of light -- and the four panelists suddenly find themselves in the same room, but with time apparently running backward.)

Zeke: What the crell just happened?

Kira: I don't know, but I like that word. I'm going to start using it.

Zeke: Oh, that's right. Steal it from me. Steal it like you stole "blatch" and "spluck" and --

IJD: Guys! Can we focus, please?

Marc: IJD's right. We need to focus on figuring out what happened and where we are.

IJD: I was going to suggest focusing on cedar.

Zeke: -- and "dsokdpach" and --

Marc: Stop it! All right, let's list the major points about the situation. Point one: we're surrounded by people walking backwards. Point two: we're not talking backwards, so we haven't been affected.

IJD: Point three: "dsokdpach"?

Kira: You don't read VVS9, do you?

IJD: Why yes, I do have the wisdom not to.

Marc: I'm not counting that as point three. People, what are we going to do?

Zeke: I guess we should start stealing words from people. That'll help.

Kira: Bite me, you dsokdpach.

Zeke: Maybe I will. If time is running backwards, how long can our food hold out?

Marc: Logically, we have the advantage that rotten food will actually unspoil for us.

IJD: But it'll go unripe shortly after that.

Kira: Delightful prospects. I think I'd better eat this pear while I can.

Zeke: NO! Don't do it! That thing used to be rotten!

Kira: Eww. Good point.

Marc: Hey, wait a minute. I have a tricorder. Why didn't I think of that?

Zeke: Because, for absolutely the last time, it's a spoon.

Marc: No it isn't! I got a real one, remember? That's how we detected the temporal reiteration wave.

Zeke: The what?

Marc: The temporal reiteration wave.

Kira: The what?

Marc: The temporal reiteration wave.

(A pause; everyone looks at IJD.)

IJD: What?

Marc: You haven't said "The what?" yet.

IJD: Why would I? I heard you the first three times.

Kira: I'll bet he was just thinking of cedar.

IJD: Was cedar! I mean, was not!

Marc: All right, I have a plan. Who here remembers the TNG episode "Timescape"?

Kira: I do! I do! It's one of my most bestest favourite episodes ever!

Marc: Do you remember, IJD?

IJD: This has what to do with the original series?

Marc: Sigh. Zeke, how about you?

Zeke: I stopped listening when I heard the T in "TNG."

Marc: All right, I'll just explain. What I'm getting at is that "Timescape" featured Geordi and others causing time to go backward and forward by using a tricorder.

Zeke: And you're suggesting that you could do that with yours?

Marc: No, I'm just reminiscing. What a great episode.

Zeke: Give me that. (presses some tricorder buttons) Hmmm... it looks like the nitrogen content in here is about 70 percent. Cool!

Kira: That's not a toy, Zeke.

Zeke: It makes little beepy noises -- it's a toy. Just a useful one. Like a guitar or a pocket fan or a pie.

IJD: (rolls eyes) Again with the cedar. I mean pie.

Zeke: Anyway, I think I can get this thing to work. All I need is....

Kira: What?

Zeke: The instruction manual.

Marc: Oh, that I can do. I have it here in my pocket.

Zeke: Thanks. Where's the chapter on temporal -- wait a sec. This is just a slip of paper with "You're pathetic" on it.

Kira: Giving me the chance to grab the tricorder. Thanks, Marc. We make a good team.

Marc: You think so? Because 5MNG has an opening for --

Kira: No, I don't.

Marc: Aw.

IJD: Figured out how to work it yet, Kira?

Kira: Yeah. Looks like all I need to do is point it at someone to turn him into a weasel. I'd point it at Zeke, but what would change?


Zeke: This time reversal thing has got to stop.

Marc: Agreed. Kira, point the tricorder at the space-time continuum.

Kira: Then what?

Marc: Then it turns into a weasel.

IJD: And all we have to do is catch the weasel and make it start going forward!

Zeke: A brilliant plan indeed, full of subtlety and wit.

Kira: Is the wit subtle?

Zeke: Never!

Marc: All right, Kira. Let's do this.

Kira: Right. Um, which way is the space-time continuum?

Marc: Think about it. If you were the space-time continuum, where would you be?

Kira: Sears.

Marc: Let me rephrase that. If a normal person were the space-time continuum, where would he be?

IJD: He wouldn't be very normal if he were --

Kira: Oh, the crell with this. (points the tricorder straight up and activates it)

Zeke: AAAAA! It's going to rain weasels!

Marc: And me without my weasel umbrella.

Kira: Wait, I think I've got it now. Hang on....


Host: Hi, and welcome to the Late Late Early Late Early Show!

(Applause from the audience members, who are robots with hands programmed only to clap.)

Host: Thanks, you're too kind. With us today we have --

Kira: HEY! You're alive again!

Host: Huh? Of course I'm --

Kira: DIE! (begins viciously attacking the host)

IJD: Good to see that everything's back to normal.

Marc: Indeed. Time has resumed its forward course and all is well.

Host: AAAAA! For Shkrod's sake, someone HELP me!

Zeke: Yup. All is well.



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This dialogue was originally published on August 14, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: Yes, we know we're breaking a few copyrights. It's okay because we're insane. Which reminds us, cabbages roam freely in the twilight.

All material © 2002, Colin Hayman.