December 14th, 1992, "Chain of Command Part 1"

No fiver

The Episode

PICARD: Can I get you some coffee? Tea?
NECHAYEV: Thank you, no, Captain. I'm afraid there's no time for the usual pleasantries.

Really? Picard's team will train for days before this mission and you can't wait ten minutes? I wish they'd written Nechayev better.

NECHAYEV: The Cardassian forces which were recently withdrawn from the Bajoran sector, have been redeployed along the Federation border. They have mobilised three divisions of ground troops and their subspace communications have been increased by fifty percent. We believe that they're preparing for an incursion into Federation space.

Ugh. DS9 is about to start and they're already shooting holes in its premise? Furthermore I kinda thought that the DMZ was deliberately designed to be wider than either Neutral Zone so that any "incursion" would be signalled well in advance.

For that matter, of what use are "ground troops" if the Cardassians want to invade? Do they really think that they can spend days crossing the DMZ, drop off a few hundred troops on Bajoran worlds, and then expect them to hold said worlds for weeks until reinforcements arrive?

RIKER: Are the Cardassians ready for a war?
NECHAYEV: I didn't say war, Commander, I said incursion. Our intelligence reports suggests that they'll try to seize one of the disputed systems along the border. We think they're gambling that the Federation won't actually go to war over one system.

Yeah, that's a stupid idea. Under no circumstances can the Federation let itself lose territory without consequences. It would just be inviting the Romulans, the Breen, the Tholians, etc. to make further incursions. Nibbling away at Federation territory one system at a time can't be allowed to happen.

RIKER: Admiral, with all due respect, it's not necessary to give Captain Jellico command of the Enterprise just to conduct a negotiation.
NECHAYEV: I disagree. The Enterprise will be in a dangerous situation and I want someone on the Bridge who has a great deal of experience with the Cardassians. No offence, Commander, but that's not you.

So assign him as a negotiator, you don't need to give him command. Duh.

RIKER: Welcome aboard, sir. I'm Commander
JELLICO: William T. Riker. Class of fifty seven, graduated eighth in his class.

In 2357 Riker was 22. At least someone did the math.

JELLICO: It caught me by surprise too. I must admit, I miss the Cairo already. But a Galaxy class ship, that's something special. I can understand why you turned down a ship of your own to remain aboard.

Yeah, that's not why Riker is staying. Talk about superficial.

JELLICO: How many duty watches does the crew stand?
RIKER: We've a standard three shift rotation.
JELLICO: I'd like to change that to four starting tonight. I'd also like to examine the duty roster and the crew evaluations as soon as possible. I want readiness reports from each department head by fourteen hundred hours, and a meeting of the senior staff at fifteen hundred. Do you prefer Will or William?

Ugh, I hate this cliched tripe. Changing everything as soon as you arrive in order to make the viewer not like you is lazy writing.

JELLICO: Where are my quarters, Will?
RIKER: We have you assigned to cabin seven thirty five. Deck si
JELLICO: Deck seven. I'll see you at thirteen hundred hours.

Picard's quarters are on Deck 9, the rest of the senior staff stays on Deck 8. I suddenly wonder if Picard's quarters are at the front of the ship just above Ten Forward, to have the best view.

RIKER: There is no delta shift yet, sir. I have spoken to the department heads about changing from three shifts to four, and they assure me it's going to cause us significant personnel problems.
JELLICO: So you have not changed the watch rotation.

Yeah, Riker dropped the ball on this one. For something this minor you do it, then complain later.

JELLICO: I want you to install a bypass between the main phaser array and the secondary generators. I also want to run the main deflector pathway through the warp power grid and the auxiliary conduits through the lateral relays. You may have to reconfigure the transfer interface.

This stuff hasn't been done yet? After Wolf 359 you'd think modifying the ship to allow full engine power through the shields or the phasers would be Priority One.

JELLICO: I'm aware of your current design system. It's not good enough. If these negotiations fail, we could find ourselves in a war zone and if that happens I want to be loaded for bear.

I sorta thought that the Enterprise was already the best-armed ship in the fleet. Jellico should be trying to think of how to stop a war before it happens, not how to win it after it happens.

JELLICO: Good. Now these stations should be devoted to damage control and weapons status from now on. See that they're manned at all times.

Presumably he's talking about the two Science stations. That's not what they're for! Come to think of it, how come they don't use the Battle Bridge when they know a battle is coming?

JELLICO: Oh, and get that fish out of the ready room.

Ugh. As if you needed another reason to hate this guy. Who could hate Livingston?

JELLICO: Power transfer levels need to be upgraded by twenty percent. The efficiency of your warp coils is also unsatisfactory.
LAFORGE: Coil efficiency is well within specifications, Captain.
JELLICO: I'm not interested in the specs, Geordi. The efficiency needs to be raised by at least fifteen percent.

If that was possible they'd be doing it! Come to think of it, why wasn't the warp core replaced with a higher power model during the post-Wolf 359 refit?

TROI: I wouldn't call it resistance. More like uncertainty. Most of them had served under Captain Picard for several years. They knew him, they knew what he expected. Now they're being asked to adjust to a new captain and a new way of doing things, and they're uncertain how to react.

You react like trained Starfleet officers! Duh! There should be a whole Academy course about adapting to different command styles! Has the entire crew really gotten that complacent under Picard? And didn't Captain Maxwell claim that they were the best crew YEARS ago?

LAFORGE: Commander, he's asked me to completely reroute half the power systems on the ship, change every duty roster, realign the warp coils in two days, and now he's transferred a third of my department to Security.

It's that last part that's insane. By all means transfer a third of the Science department to Security for the duration, but you don't move the engineers who will be fixing the ship after it gets damaged in the predicted war.

JELLICO: Jean-Luc, let's be candid for a moment. The Cardassians aren't going to listen to reason, and the Federation isn't going to give in to their demands. And the chances are you won't be coming back from this mission of yours. I want this ship ready for action and I don't have time to give Will Riker or anyone else a chance.

Then you're an idiot. We'll be returning to this later.

WORF: I am not familiar with metagenics.
CRUSHER: They're genetically engineered viruses that are designed to destroy entire ecosystems. When metagenic toxins are released into a planet's atmosphere, they immediately begin to mutate. They seek out and destroy all forms of DNA they encounter. In a few days, everything is dead.
PICARD: In a month, the metagenic agent itself breaks down and dissipates completely, leaving every city, every road, every piece of equipment perfectly intact.

How is that supposed to work? Can you really tell a cell to replicate itself X times and then die? It would be more reasonable to make them susceptible to a toxin that doesn't hurt anything else, letting you kill them at your leasure.

PICARD: Starfleet Intelligence believes that the Cardassians are developing a new delivery system, one that would protect them from accidental exposure to the toxin. They believe that the Cardassians are testing a way of launching dormant metagenic material on a subspace carrier wave.

You mean "activate dormant metagenic material via a specific subspace carrier wave." Ugh.

CRUSHER: You know, I heard that Solok was quite a man.
SOLOK: Why, yes, he is an extraordinary man.
CRUSHER: That's why we came here, because only Solok could help us. I guess there's some things even Solok can't do. It's too bad. (stroking Solok's lob) Because if he could, I would be very, very
SOLOK: Yes?
CRUSHER: Grateful.
SOLOK: (quivering with excitement) When do you want to leave?

Ick. And ick again.

JELLICO: Lemec is a Cardassian, and Cardassians are like timber wolves, predators, bold in large numbers cautious by themselves, and with an instinctive need to establish a dominant position in any social gathering.
TROI: So you're trying to establish a dominant position by making him wait for you. The trouble with wolves is that sometimes the fight for dominance, one of them ends up dead.
JELLICO: In that case, the trick is to be the wolf that's still standing at the end.

Ugh. Do Romulans, Klingons, Ferengi, Breen, Tholians, Sheliak, or ANY OTHER species we've seen not use the strategy of "establish a dominant position as early as possible?"

WORF: You're not afraid of heights, are you, Doctor?
CRUSHER: Of course not.

"It's not like I broke a few bones falling down a hole on Minos or anything!"

LEMEC: I have here come to negotiate a Federation withdrawal from the border, not to be dictated to by some mere captain.

I thought you were here to arrange a ceasefire, or perhaps ask for a redo on the treaty. If you've already declared that you won't accept anything less than being allowed to take what you want without punishment, I see no point in further negotiations. Not that I'm ripping from current headlines or anything...

WORF: A phaser set to level sixteen should suffice.

A standard kill setting is level ten.

LEMEC: May I present my aides, Glin Corak and Glin Tajor.

"Glin" is Cardassian for "Commander." It seldom came up on DS9.

JELLICO: Welcome aboard. For the past three weeks you've been massing troops in staging areas, assembling strike forces, and pulling ships from their normal patrols. We will not stand for this clearly provocative behaviour.
LEMEC: I see the Federation spy network has again provided you with faulty information. We are conducting routine training operations, nothing more.

Ugh. I expect all spacefaring races to know how to read a map and not cross borders when they don't mean to.

LEMEC: Your fleet deployments do not concern us. However, we are very concerned about your refusal to vacate those territories along the border which are clearly Cardassian.
JELLICO: You gave up your claims on those territories when you signed the armistice.

Exactly. Trying to claim them now is broadcasting to the known galaxy the message "Cardassians don't honor their own agreements, so don't even try making any in the future."

PICARD: So you concocted an elaborate ruse to bring me here. Why?
MADRED: In this room, you do not ask questions. I ask them, you answer. If I'm not satisfied with those answers, you will die.

We're supposed to understand, even respect Madred? Good luck with that.

Memory Alpha

* Had this episode aired after DS9 started, Quark would've been there instead of Solok.
* First appearance of Nechayev. Really? It's a lousy way to introduce her.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Many nits about the rappelling scene, I won't repeat them.
* According to the Tech Manual, Level 16 is the maximum a phaser can do. This means that the walls of the hole would be too hot to touch.
* Phil prefers Troi in the uniform, she exudes professionalism in it.
* Jellico says to transform the Science stations, yet Riker uses one as a science station and it still says "Science I" at the top.

December 14th, 1992, "Chain of Command Part Two"

No fiver

The Episode

MADRED: How many others were part of this mission?
PICARD: Two.
MADRED: Name and rank?
PICARD: Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher. Lieutenant Worf.

Madred asked for rank, not position. Beverly worked hard for the rank of Commander, don't forget it!

PICARD: I demand to see a neutral representative as required by the Federation-Cardassian peace treaty.
(Madred removes the blindfold and the guards leave)
MADRED: We have already sent a message to Tohvun Three, the nearest neutral planet. They assure us they will dispatch someone immediately.

Yeah, that's a great way to start, with a lie. Now when Picard gets back to the Federation he can tell them to never bargain with Cardassians because they can't be trusted to obey the treaty.

MADRED:I understand that you are a student of archaeology. Did you know that Cardassia boasts some of the most ancient and splendid ruins in the entire galaxy?
PICARD: I know that the burial vaults of the First Hebitian civilisation are said to be magnificent.

The Hebetians play a much larger part in the novel "A Stitch in Time", the "autobiography" of Garak. His adoptive father was a collector of Hebetian artifacts. After a period of climate change the survivors became Cardassians. To this day a few Cardassians meet in secret to conduct Hebetian rituals. Their enemy is the True Way (only mentioned in "Our Man Bashir" and "Crossfire").

PICARD: Torture is expressly forbidden by the terms of the Seldonis Four convention governing treatment of prisoners of war.

Only mention of the Seldonis Four convention, I have to wonder why it never came up in "Tribunal."

MADRED: Are you in good health? Do you have any physical ailments I should know about?

Would it matter? "Oh yeah, I'm a diabetic. Do you have any insulin around, because if you don't the slightest torture would kill me." "Oh, of course, we'll call the whole thing off!" Yeah, right.

MADRED: Yes, I'm sure you have. (he turns on four spotlights behind his desk) How many lights do you see there?
PICARD: I see four lights.
MADRED: No, there are five. Are you quite sure?

I HATE this plot point. Hate hate hate. I don't care if it's a plausible form of torture, it's just sick.

RIKER: Under the terms of the Selonis Convention, Captain Picard must
LEMEC: The Selonis Convention applies to prisoners of war, which means you would have to acknowledge that he was captured during a mission authorised by the Federation. Are you willing to make such an admission?
JELLICO: No.
LEMEC: Then he will be treated as a terrorist.

Jellico's an idiot.

(Data is now wearing command red and three pips)

Ugh. Even if Jellico has appointed Data first officer until a new one can be sent out, that doesn't justify a division transfer or promotion.

MADRED: I want you to be very careful with your wompat from now on, Jil Orra.

Only appearance of a wompat, although I was surprised to learn that it's a real word: a sort of sling for strapping your toddler to your chest.

JIL ORRA: I will, father. Do humans have mothers and fathers?
MADRED: Yes, but human mothers and fathers don't love their children as we do. They're not the same as we are.

How do you know that? When's the last time Madred swapped parenthood stories with a human? Never, I'll bet.

PICARD: To expose a child to this. To someone who is suffering. To see that it is you that inflict that suffering.
MADRED: From the time Jil Orra could crawl she's been taught about the enemies of the Cardassians, and that enemies deserve their fate.
PICARD: When children learn to devalue others, they can devalue anyone, including their parents.
MADRED: What a blind, narrow view you have. What an arrogant man you are.

How is anything that Picard said arrogance? He's not forcing the opinion on Madred, he's trying to teach him a lesson.

MADRED: And what did peace and spirituality get us? People starved by the millions. Bodies went unburied. Disease was rampant. Suffering was unimaginable.

Ugh. What does peace and spirituality have to do with refusing to bury bodies?

MADRED: My daughter will never worry about going hungry.
PICARD: Her belly may be full, but her spirit will be empty.

To paraphrase from Gargoyles, survival isn't enough.

MADRED: Shall we begin again? How many lights are there?
PICARD: What lights?

Now is not the time to be a smart alec, Picard. You say "four" as many times as it takes for Madred to stop asking, you don't ask to be tortured!

(Picard is lying on the floor, singing through parched lips)
PICARD: Sur le pont d'Avignon on y danse on y danse.

This is a French song about a dance performed on a bridge back in the Middle Ages. "On the bridge in Avignon they are dancing there, they are dancing there."

In the German dub of "The Lion King" Zazu sings this song instead of "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts."

PICARD: Doctor Crusher has no knowledge of any of Starfleet's plans. She's a Medical officer.
MADRED: You might be right. I'll have to determine that for myself.
(Picard sits in the chair)

What an idiot. Madred has already proven himself a liar. If they chose to keep Crusher as a prisoner she wouldn't be a bargaining chip, she'd be a torture victim in the room next door.

JELLICO: All right. Worf, prepare a series of five hundred antimatter mines with magnetic targeting capabilities.

The standard photon complement of the Enterprise is 250. While I have no doubt they could replicate mines and bleed off some antimatter, it would take a long time.

MADRED: Oh, you're awake. Have something to eat. I insist. Boiled taspar egg. It's a delicacy I'm happy to share with you.
(Madred gives Picard a knife to slice the top off the very large egg, but this one isn't boiled. The contents are still alive and moving. Picard downs it in one)

Talk about pointlessly sadistic. Picard has to have had worse. I'm especially reminded of the time in the novel "Dragon's Honor" where he had to eat everything the Emperor put in front of him or else jeapardize an important treaty. That includes all sorts of alien offal, lizard saliva, and even worse stuff that anyone else would rather be executed than try to eat it. Good book, I recommend it, that's the one where Riker wins an entire planet in a poker game.

PICARD: Torture has never been a reliable means of extracting information. It is ultimately self-defeating as a means of control. One wonders that it's still practiced.

Duh. Make the torture bad enough and people are willing to confess to anything just to make it stop. You won't get much useful information out of the victims.

PICARD: In spite of all you've done to me, I find you a pitiable man.

Oh, that had to hurt.

MADRED: Picard, stop it, or I will turn this on and leave you here in agony all night.
PICARD: Ah! You called me Picard.

Mike drop.

RIKER: Yes, sir. I understand you've been talking to every shuttle pilot on board.
JELLICO: Let's drop the ranks for a moment. I don't like you. I think you're insubordinate, arrogant. willful, and I don't think you're a particularly good first officer.

Oh, how I hate him. Riker's style of being first officer is incompatible with your style of being captain. He's not a particularly good first officer for Jellico, but Jellico has no right to expand that to a global opinion.

RIKER: Well, now that the ranks are dropped, Captain, I don't like you, either. You are arrogant and closed-minded. You need to control everything and everyone. You don't provide an atmosphere of trust, and you don't inspire these people to go out of their way for you. You've get everybody wound up so tight there's no joy in anything. I don't think you're a particularly good Captain.

Mike drop.

PICARD: I want to see neutral representative.
MADRED: There is no such person.

Of course there is. Madred is either just stubborn or he shares the common Cardassian delusion that the universe is out to get them unless they strike first.

JELLICO: I stand relieved. (to all) It's been an honour serving with you.
(Jellico leaves with knives sticking out of his back)

This is one that needed a third part to properly punish Jellico, or at least give his arc some sort of resolution.

PICARD: What I didn't put in the report was that at the end he gave me a choice between a life of comfort or more torture. All I had to do was to say that I could see five lights, when in fact, there were only four.
TROI: You didn't say it?
PICARD: No, no, but I was going to. I would have told him anything. Anything at all. But more than that, I believed that I could see five lights.

Never liked this scene. Picard should've had a complete victory.

Memory Alpha

* The Nitpicker's Guide is referenced on an episode page for once. That's neat.

Memory Beta

* Picard will have his revenge on Madred in the novel Ship of the Line.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil wonders if Riker is a better pilot than Data. Of course he his, he has intuition and other emotions on his side. Just like Picard back in "Booby Trap."

January 25th, 1993, "Ship in a Bottle"

Fiver by saxamaphone

The Episode

DATA: It takes a trained eye to notice certain discrepancies. For example, whether someone is right or left handed!
(Data throws a box of matches to the gentleman, who catches it in his right hand.)
DATA: Your brother was right handed! The alleged suicide note was written by a left handed individual such as yourself!
LAFORGE: Er, Data, it's in his right hand.
DATA: Curious. There seems to be a problem in the holodeck's spatial orientation systems.

Or your theory is total bunk. Whether someone catches something with their left or right hand depends on many more factors than just handedness. Which hand is closer to the object? What kind of object is it? Is it durable enough to survive a fumbling catch from the wrong hand? Is it a pillow that could easily be caught with either hand?

MORIARTY: But here I am. Tell me, has a way been found to allow me to leave the confines of this holodeck world?
BARCLAY: Leave the holodeck? No, of course not. You can only exist in here.
MORIARTY: Damn you, Picard. He promised me something would be done. I should have realised he would have said anything to get me to release my hostage.

Of course something akin to the mobile emitter is impossible with current tech, but I wonder why they can't make some sort of hovering pad that can create a hologram that stays "solid" within a small area. Imagine blowing up Tasha's holographic portrait and making it more sophisticated.

Or at the very least put holocommunicator booths in the corners of major rooms and allow him to observe and talk to people.

We'll talk about Reg's holocube at the end.

DATA: Since both planets are gas giants, neither possesses a solid surface. Their atmospheres, however, will come into contact in approximately seventeen hours nine minutes.
LAFORGE: If their collision causes a self-sustaining fusion reaction, this is what we are likely to see. The birth of a new star.

The math has been done. The minimum mass required to sustain fusion and become a brown dwarf (the least massive stars) is 80 times the mass of Jupiter. The most massive gas giant on record is b Centauri (AB)b orbiting Alpha Centauri, 11 times more massive than Jupiter. There's a bit of a gap there, but at least the idea is somewhat plausible.

MORIARTY: Do you really? When this is over, you will walk out of this room to the real world and your own concerns, and leave me here trapped in a world I know to be nothing but illusion. I cannot bear that. I must leave.
PICARD: That is not possible. You cannot exist outside this room.
MORIARTY: Are you certain of that?
PICARD: Computer, exit.
(the door opens onto the corridor)
PICARD: Although an object appears solid on the holodeck, in the real world they have no substance.
(Picard throws out a book. It vanishes)

Obligatory mention of those gangsters from "The Long Goodbye" that lasted for a few seconds before vanishing (completely implausibly).

MORIARTY: I have consciousness. Conscious beings have will. The mind endows them with powers that are not necessarily understood, even by you. If my will is strong enough, perhaps I can exist outside this room. Perhaps I can walk into your world right now.

The problem is that while a human being can exert their will on their body, Moriarty can't. His body has no substance, the holodeck is projecting a forcefield around his body. And frankly, his "will" doesn't interact with the body like a real persons. His "will" resides in his programming in the holodeck computers. The holodeck has virtual cameras where the puppet's eyes would be that feed visual data to the program in the computer, who then sends puppeting commands to the projection.

PICARD: How is this possible?
BARCLAY: It isn't.
DATA: This contradicts everything we know about holodeck physics.

So did the stuff in "The Big Goodbye", but you didn't complain then.

CRUSHER: As far as I can tell, he's real. He's human.
MORIARTY: What else would I be, dear lady?
CRUSHER: His DNA is a little unusual, but all the major systems are there and functioning normally.
LAFORGE: As far as I can tell there's no evidence that his molecules are losing any cohesion. They seem to be as immutable as ordinary matter.

So we're supposed to believe that the holodeck duplicates every biological system? Why? A puppet being controlled by force fields has no need for any of this nonsense. If events call for a holodeck character to be wounded and bloody, the wound and blood will appear then, because it isn't real!

MORIARTY: Extraordinary. Are we far from Earth? What is the range of this ship? What means of locomotion does it use? There's so much for me to learn. I hardly know where to start.

The term "lightyear" was coined by a German astronomer in 1838. Even so, I doubt even Holmes himself could truly fathom the distance in 19th-century terms. Could he even comprehend galactic scales?

As for "range", that's a tough one. Thousands of light-years, I suppose. Impossible for us 21st-century people to comprehend, much less Moriarty.

Power source, that's a good one. Antimatter wasn't even conceived of until 1928. At best you could describe it as "we replicate conditions inside a star to make solar flares that can be channeled into our engines."

PICARD: I can give you books that will help.
MORIARTY: Good, good.

Is there a reason why information can't be copied from the library computer into the holodeck computer to be accessed by Moriarty's program?

PICARD: Professor, I feel it necessary to point out that criminal behaviour is as unacceptable in the twenty fourth century as it was in the nineteenth. And much harder to get away with.

This is just stupid. The word "duh" comes to mind.

MORIARTY: Don't worry, Captain. My past is nothing but a fiction. The scribblings of an Englishman dead now for four centuries. I hope to leave his books on the shelf, as it were.

Let me repeat, duh. We established that this Moriarty isn't the same guy that Doyle concieved of back in "Elementary, Dear Data." Upon enlightenment his desire wasn't crime anymore, it was to defeat Holmes/Data.

MORIARTY: There is a woman, the Countess Regina Bartholomew. She was created as a holodeck character for one of Commander Data's programs. She was designed to be the love of my life. Could she also be brought off the holodeck?

Moriarty was written to be a nemesis for Holmes only. There's mention of two brothers, but never a love interest. One wonders why Data created one.

PICARD: Professor, I wonder why you're in so much of a hurry. Is this woman involved with you in some illegal venture?

Why is Picard still stuck on this plot point? What sort of "criminal enterprise" can he engage in? At worse he'll commit extortion and attempted assault, neither of wish requires an accomplice.

COMPUTER: Authorisation denied.
PICARD: Explain.
COMPUTER: Picard command codes are no longer valid.

I don't think "valid" is the right word here.

DATA: Perhaps we should consider the transporter system. It uses many of the same principles as the holodeck. Both, for example, are capable of converting energy into matter.
LAFORGE: Except the transporter reconstitutes energy in a permanent form. Holodeck matter doesn't have any cohesion unless it's inside the grid.
BARCLAY: I wonder, what would happen if we tried to beam a holodeck object off the grid?
LAFORGE: Nothing would happen. A holodeck object is just a simulation. There's nothing there to provide a pattern lock for the transporter.

Exactly. This isn't a transporter problem, it's a replicator problem. Turning code into something solid.

For that matter, "Time Squared" reminds me that they can take a physical pattern from Source A and a neural pattern from Source B and fuse them in the transporter. Creating a physical pattern isn't the problem. While the holodeck shouldn't create bones and organs for characters routinely, it would know how to if events require it. Converting computer code into a neural pattern is the problem.

LAFORGE: That's a big leap, Data. I just don't think the transporter is going to accept simulated matter.
BARCLAY: Unless, unless we could find a way to compensate for the phase variance. If we could modify the pattern enhancers we just might do it.

Yeah, this is nonsense.

(the lovely Stephanie Beacham greets Reg)

While I know Moriarty actor Daniel Davis best from The Nanny, I know Beacham best from Seaquest DSV. I really should get around to rewatching that show one of these years. Not necessarily for Retrospective purposes, just to enjoy it.

MORIARTY: If you loved a woman like this, Lieutenant, would you be content to let her remain a simulation?
BARCLAY: You, you gave her consciousness?
MORIARTY: Yes, just as it was given to me.

And how was that, exactly? No doubt Data and Geordi closed the loophole from "Elementary, Dear Data" by now. You can't just tell the computer to make one particular holodeck character sentient.

Come to think of it, why haven't they asked the Bynars for their help in this situation? While I have no doubt that the code used on Minuet is still is no longer in the Enterprise computers, the Bynars would keep a copy of it on their homeworld, wouldn't they?

DATA: Through deduction, sir. Lieutenant Barclay and I tried to transport a simulated object off the holodeck, something that has never been attempted. Since the transporter itself is a simulation, the computer had no real data from which to create the transport logs.

Exactly. Moriarty may be in command of this virtual Enterprise, but that control is limited by his comprehension. It's one thing to slave ship's control to some levers in the holodeck's virtual world, but he can't understand everything in the computer without it either being reprogrammed to interface with his program or him learning about it manually.

DATA: Then I saw you working the PADD with your left hand. Commander La Forge is right handed, sir. A similar malfunction occurred in the Sherlock Holmes programme I was running before Moriarty first appeared.

Ugh. Talk about a mishandled Chekov's gun. At least writing with your off hand is exponentially more complicated than catching an object with it.

(Data throws his commbadge towards the warp core. The grid appears for a moment)

Yeah, that's not how that works. The illusion on the holodeck wall would come forward to let the commbadge pass through it, then create an image of the commbadge continuing in interrupted flight.

PICARD: Credit where credit is due, madam. I can see you are a woman not only of breeding, but of wit and sagacity.

Sagacity means having foresight and discernment. If this was coming from anyone but Picard I'd call them pompous.

COUNTESS: And you, sir, are a man of charm and guile. You remind me of Viscount Oglethorpe. He was a man could bewitch any woman who breathed.

Well that's icky. I would apply the comparison to Kirk way before Picard.

PICARD: Yes, I can. We have learned that if we uncouple the transporter's Heisenberg Compensators and allow them to re-scramble randomly, we can beam a holodeck object or a person off the grid with all of the cohesion of conventional matter.

This is Picard planting information, but even with that knowledge this is meaningless technobabble. The Heisenberg Compensator is used for the dematerialization process, not the rematerialization process. I jolly well expect a transporter to be able to put every particle exactly where it wants and at the right speed.

(shuttle Sakharov flies off)

Sakharov was a Soviet scientist who helped design their thermonuclear weapons, but was also an advocate for civil liberties and nuclear disarmament.

PICARD: But who knows? Our reality may be very much like theirs. All this might be just be an elaborate simulation running inside a little device sitting on someone's table. Well, we have a newborn star to study. Mister Barclay, you will keep that safe?
BARCLAY: Aye, sir.
(everyone else leaves)
BARCLAY: Computer, end programme.

Holodeck characters can't end their own program (except for EMH's and Vic, of course).

The Fiver

Barclay: Hey guys! You're never going to guess what happened!
La Forge: Something weird with the Holodeck?
Barclay: How'd you know?
La Forge: Well, look at who I'm talking to.

Yeah, Barclay walked right into that one.

Moriarty: Sure. Meet you in Ten Forward. (leaves)
Data: Hey, he can't do that! He's not a drawing of the Enterprise!

As has already been covered before, the holodeck can probably replicate simple objects if it looks like a user is trying to leave the holodeck with it.

Barclay: Hey, maybe we could beam her off the Holodeck.
Data: Sure, if we can lock on to her with the pattern enhancers
La Forge: An episode with Holodeck characters, transporter technology, and Barclay -- what are the odds?

I'm not sure that the double-dipping works in this case.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil and his readers also noted the handedness problem.
* It's weird that Data was so willing to defend the rights of the exocomps, but doesn't seem to care that much about Moriarty.
* Why would it matter of Moriarty vanishes if he leaves the holodeck? That's just the projection, not his actual program.
* When Barclay said "end program", why didn't the computer respond with the message that it's an invalid command?
* He brings up the multiple instances of holodeck objects leaving the holodeck. Once again, simple objects can be replicated as needed, but full puppets can't.

I haven't seen Parent Trap II, but I used to watch Short Circuit growing up. I have also read Ship of the Line and recommend that nobody else reads it.

February 1st, 1993, "Aquiel"

Fiver by Marc

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 46461.3. We have arrived at a communication relay station near the Klingon border, where we are scheduled to deliver supplies. However, the station has not responded to repeated hails.

Let me say this up front: Confining two people to a small station for months on end is blatantly ridiculous. Anyone would snap under those circumstances. The worst part is that there have to be any number of science projects that could be done anywhere. Have it staffed with a dozen researchers who do the boring relay stuff half a shift a week each. Duh.

LAFORGE: They must've left an audio monitoring system on. We're hearing a few thousand subspace messages.

With only two people on board you'd think the computer could be programmed to shut down all active programs and send a distress signal if there isn't any input in X hours.

RIKER: Here's your loose panel.
(the sound is of a wagging tail hitting the metal. woof!)
LAFORGE: Hey, pooch. hey, pooch, come on out of there.

Does this place seem big enough for a dog to be comfortable? I don't think so. I'd feel bad keeping a cat in here!

(Worf is cutting the deck plate out with his phaser)

There aren't any plasma torches available that could do this job better?

AQUIEL [OC]: Sent in my third request for a message delay buffer. Until it arrives, Lieutenant Rocha and I have rigged a memory module to compensate.

You shouldn't need to ask three times for equipment. And frankly under these circumstances there should be at least two spares of everything that could fail. And of course the idea of turning a memory module into a message delay buffer is ludicrous.

AQUIEL [OC]: Hello, Shiana. Sorry I haven't talked to you in a while but I've been dealing with the new Lieutenant, Rocha. So far he's been rude, arrogant and condescending, and he's only been here two days. This might be a long year.

A YEAR! Two people alone on a station for a YEAR! Are we sure that this posting isn't some sort of punishment?

CRUSHER: Well this is just a guess, but from the molecular deposition on the plating I'd say it was a high-level phaser blast.
RIKER: Could it have been a Klingon disruptor?
CRUSHER: Possibly.

I'm pretty sure that phasers and disruptors operate on sufficently different principles that you can't really mix up one with the other.

PICARD: Get Rocha's personnel file from Starfleet Command.

You didn't do that already once you realized that the station wasn't responding? For that matter, isn't the Enterprise computer big enough to hold all personnel files for a considerable chunk of Starfleet personnel?

For that matter, you should be able to get the files from a closer Starbase than Earth.

AQUIEL [on monitor]: It's because of what's been happening with that Klingon. He's getting more aggressive all the time. Not just the usual threat. Morag actually locked his disruptors to the station this time.

That seems like a pretty blatant violation of the treaty to me. She didn't tell Starfleet Command about this?

LAFORGE: There are three references to a Commander Morag, a Klingon officer who patrols this section of the border. Apparently he would pass the station every few days and harass them.

Why was this allowed to continue?

WORF: Have the courage to admit your mistakes. Or are you a lo'Be Vos?

lo'Be Vos means "thing without courage."

AQUIEL: You have to be raised on it. It's very nutritious. The taste grows on you.
LAFORGE: Batar al nalia.

That means "but not on me."

The Fiver

Riker: Lieutenant, did you lie about your age to get into Starfleet?

Where did this come from?

Dog: Woof! Woof!
Aquiel: Maura! I'm so happy to see you again, girl!
La Forge: Looks like she means a lot to you.
Aquiel: Yes, we've been inseparable ever since I found her wandering around an isolated Arctic research station whose personnel had all mysteriously died.

What is this a reference to?

Probably The Thing.

February 8th, 1993, "Face of the Enemy"

Fiver by Nic

The Episode

TROI: Computer, lights. Computer, turn on the lights.
(nothing happens)

I wonder why not. Do the Romulans think that vocal commands for routine things are weak? Does it only respond to commands in Romulan? Is everyone wearing Universal Translators to understand Troi's English?

TROI: Warbird? I was at the neuropsychology seminar at Bokara Six. The last thing I remember was returning to my quarters. I was attacked. I felt a hypospray.
N'VEK: It was necessary. I could not be certain you would come voluntarily.

I despise the whole "I couldn't give you the choice because you might not choose my way" trope.

N'VEK: Listen to me carefully. You are no longer Deanna Troi. You are Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar, the Imperial Intelligence.

The Tal Shiar has their own fleet and thus a need for military ranks.

N'VEK: Your only chance to get off this ship alive is to do as I say. You are an empath. You would know if I am lying. Am I?
TROI: No.

It stands to reason that the Romulans would be motivated to create telepathy-blocking technology. The fact that they haven't indicates that it really is impossible. Although I've already talked about how a slight temporal displacement would create a defacto shield, but I suppose it would be too complicted for routine use aboard a warbird.

TORETH: Commence loading the cargo. Notify me when the transfer is complete.
(everyone say hi! to Carolyn Seymour)

Seymour has a lengthy resume of supporting roles in TV. She was only in one episode of B5. I was surprised to learn that she played Mrs. Templeton in Janeway's stupid Regency holodeck program.

N'VEK: Commander, may I present Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar? This is Commander Toreth.
TORETH: Attend to your station.

Since when do visiting Tal Shiar officers have "stations"? This seems like a situation where they'd just sit next to the captain (or Commander, I should say. I'm all for alternate rank systems, but not one that causes this much confusion).

TORETH: Why are you here without your guards? Well?

If Tal Shiar agents have to work in packs aboard military ships, that raises many disturbing questions.

TORETH: I have been ordered to take on cargo but its contents are unknown to me. Does that seem wise? I am responsible for the safety of this ship and its crew. How do I know this cargo is safe to transport?

A good point, but this seems like something that would be covered by her orders. Provide transport only, everything else is out of your control. Don't complain or you might "disappear."

WORF: The man acted dishonourably. He is a traitor.
CRUSHER: He risked his life to get here. He spent two weeks alone in a scout ship.
WORF: That does not excuse his original actions.

There are times when Worf's dialogue gets too cliche and thus painful. Furthermore, when so much exposition about DeSeve's situation hasn't been revealed yet, Worf's remarks seem really clunky. This could've been solved so easily with a Captain's Log a few scenes ago.

DESEVE: The Romulans are very moral, Captain. They have an absolute certainty about what is right and what is wrong, who is a friend and who is an enemy, a strict moral compass which provides them with a clarity of purpose. At one time I found their sense of purpose, their passion and commitment, to be very compelling.
PICARD: But not any more?
DESEVE: As I've grown older, I realise that clarity of purpose is a more ambiguous matter than I had thought in my youth.

This plot point required more exposition. They seem to be implying that DeSeve just abandoned his post and defected to the Romulans. Certainly a court-martial offense, but I wouldn't call it "treason" unless he revealed Starfleet secrets to the Romulans, which doesn't seem to be the case.

DESEVE: The freighter is an old Antares class vessel with limited speed and range. It couldn't have taken on its cargo more than a day ago which means it must be within fifteen light years of here.
PICARD: Why didn't you mention this earlier?
DESEVE: It didn't seem necessary. And on Romulus you learn not to volunteer information. It's a hard habit to break.

There's quite a screed to be had here about comparing Romulan and Cardassian society.

N'VEK: Yes. It's your job to order Toreth to proceed into Federation territory.
TROI: We'll never get through the gravitic sensor nets.
N'VEK: We will, if you provide the correct access codes.

Why would Troi know the codes?

TORETH: In order to reach Draken, we will have to travel through Federation space for nearly twenty hours.

Who said we had to go in a straight line? Go around!

DATA: It appears to be the remains of a ship. My analysis indicates that it was an Antares class freighter.

The model was used in an episode of Enterprise, implying that this type of ship has been in use for hundreds of years. Ouch.

And of course Kassidy Yate's ship the Xhosa is of this class.

WORF: Captain, we are being hailed.
PICARD: On screen.
TROI [on viewscreen]: I am Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar.

I love SF Debris' reaction to this scene: Picard saying that if this is the child of another officer an alternate version of himself sent back in time then he is just DONE.

The Fiver

N'Vek: Wrong! From now on you will refer to yourself as Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar. And you will help me, for I have a cunning plan.

This seems to be a Blackadder reference.

N'Vek: We need your help to deliver this cargo to the Federation. It contains a Romulan Viceconsul and two of his aides. If we fail, the Viceconsul will be killed.
Troi: Sucks to be the Viceconsul.

Vice Consul is two words.

Crusher: So how does it feel, now that you no longer wear the face of the enemy?
Troi: Okay. Although I kind of liked the ears of the enemy. Can I, by any chance, keep them?
Picard: NO! Absolutely not! No pointy-eared green-blooded hobgoblins on my Bridge!

I wonder if this is supposed to be a reference to Sirtis' role of Demona over on Gargoyles.

Memory Alpha

* First appearance of the Tal Shiar. Really?
* First appearance of Worf's ponytail.
* First episode where it's established that you can't have the cloak and shields on at the same time.
* When DeSeve first beams aboard he refers to Picard as Captain, yet later he uses the Romulan term "Commander". Oops.
* First mention of the Romulans using artificial quantum singularities as a power source.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil also wonders about the translation issue.
* Carolyn Seymour appeared as a different Romulan back in "Contagion." Why didn't they reuse the character (Taris) here?
* DeSeve defected to the Romulans twenty years ago. Weren't the Romulans still in their isolationist period back then? How did he get to Romulus?
* Phil also wondered why Troi would have the codes.
* Troi grows a lot more hair after Crusher reverts her Romulan look. I don't have a problem with this one; it stands to reason that medical science has advanced enough to encourage hair growth. Picard might choose not to use the tech, requiring him and Data to use wigs in "Reunification."

February 15th, 1993, "Tapestry"

Fiver by Michael DeSanto (never heard of him, either)

The Episode

CRUSHER: Tell Doctor Selar she can use ward three for the ambulatory cases, and I'll stay here.

Come to think of it, hasn't it been long enough since K'ehleyr's death that Suzie Plakson can play Selar again? She'll be namedropped a few more times before the series ends, so why not?

CRUSHER: He's in cardiac arrest. Connect the pulmonary support units. He's got internal haemorrhaging. The bioregulator of his artificial heart's been fused.

You'd think the implant would have a backup regulator.

PICARD: No. I am not dead. Because I refuse to believe that the afterlife is run by you. The universe is not so badly designed.

This line always stuck with me. Truly one of Picard's best burns.

MAURICE: I told you that Starfleet would bring you to a bad end, but you wouldn't listen. Now look at you. Dead before your time.

Come to think of it, why was Maurice so anti-Starfleet anyway? Was it just the general "new is bad" thinking that Robert displayed? I find such thinking overly simplistic and close-minded.

Q: Death has made you a little dim, Jean-Luc. These are the voices of all the people who have died through your actions or your inactions.

There's a lot to unpack here, but the simple version is that Picard isn't 100% responsible for the unforeseen consequences of his actions or inactions and as long as his motives weren't selfish you can't lay much blame on him. Remember when I discussed how many TOS deaths were directly Kirk's fault?

Q: Your artificial heart. You might have lived if you had a real one instead of this unreliable piece of technology.

No matter whether his heart was real or artificial, no doubt there were missions that would've gone either way.

For that matter, wouldn't the Borg have upgraded this thing enough for Crusher to see that it was worthwhile to leave it as is?

(Picard, in old style uniform, gets slapped across the face by a woman who then storms out of the room)
MARTA: Bravo! Bravo!
COREY: Nicely done.

The expanded universe had a lot of fun fleshing out Marta and Corey's backstories. In particular Corey joining Section 31 and Marta hunting them down.

Q: Oh, you mortals are so obtuse. Why do you persist in believing that life and death are such static and rigid concepts. Why, I can take your life and give it back to you again with the snap of a finger.

Well, that's disturbing.

PICARD: Change them? You mean change the past? Q, even if you have been able to bring me back in time somehow, surely you must realise that any alteration in this timeline will have a profound impact on the future.
Q: Please. Spare me your egotistical musings on your pivotal role in history. Nothing you do here will cause the Federation to collapse or galaxies to explode. To be blunt, you're not that important.

Oh, the argument to the contrary that we could come up with.

MARTA: Very, very nice. I think you should forget about Starfleet and play dom-jot for a living.

First appearance of dom-jot. Memory Alpha reveals an interesting story that was cut from "The Maquis." Curzon Dax, Cal Hudson, and Sisko once played dom-jot against the Zakdorn.

Q: Flowers! Is there a John Luck Pickard here?

Another classic. There's also a package here for Tony Stank...

PICARD: I'm not sure. Mister Worf, what is my rank and position?
WORF: You are a Lieutenant junior grade, Assistant Astrophysics officer.

One thing that confuses me is why Picard would stay in a dead-end Starfleet career instead of returning to Professor Galen. And why Astrophysics? You'd think there would be any number of science officers specializing in archeology on board.

PICARD: Who's the captain of this ship?
DATA: Captain Thomas Halloway.

The writers were considering bringing back Jellico as the captain, but I would've preferred DeSoto, it would've been a nice Easter Egg.

PICARD: Main Engineering. Are you having a good laugh now, Q? Does it amuse you to think of me living out the rest of my life as a dreary man in a tedious job?

And he can't resign and go back to Earth...why?

Q: Au contraire, he's the person you wanted to be. One who was less arrogant, and undisciplined as a youth. One who was less like me. The Jean-Luc Picard you wanted to be, the one who did not fight the Nausicaan, had quite a different career from the one you remember. That Picard never had a brush with death, never came face to face with his own mortality, never realised how fragile life is or how important each moment must be. So his life never came into focus. He drifted for much of his career, with no plan or agenda, going from one assignment to the next, never seizing the opportunities that presented themselves. He never lead the away team on Milika Three to save the ambassador, or take charge of the Stargazer's Bridge when its Captain was killed. And no one ever offered him a command. He learned to play it safe. And he never, ever got noticed by anyone.

Let me just toss up a video link.

Milika III will only make a cameo in Stellar Cartography in Generations. I wish someone would write a novel about that.

As for the captain that was killed, that was Daithan Ruhalter. He practiced fencing with Picard. It was the prior captain, Anton Manning, that took Picard to Vulcan to attend the Spock/Saavik marriage.

PICARD: And, you know, there's still a part of me that cannot accept that Q would give me a second chance, or that he would demonstrate so much compassion. And if it was Q, I owe him a debt of gratitude.

Q will call in this debt during the events of the novel "Q-Squared."

Memory Alpha

* First time the Nausicaans appeared onscreen.
* A Selay and an Antican appear on the station, but they're supposed to be moral enemies. Oops.
* Picard had hair as a young man here, but was shown as bald in the photo in Nemesis. Simplest explanation-remove Nemesis from canon. Duh.

The Fiver

Riker: We were attacked! The Captain's been fatally injured!
Worf: That's what he gets for leading the away team.

Ouch.

Picard: Why does heaven look like the place where the Prophets live?
Q: It's the same complex. They live next door.

"We got a great deal on the timeshare!"

Q: So, do you have any regrets?
Picard: Yeah, I didn't get to fool around with Beverly.
Q: Besides that.

"How about that time the Borg killed millions of people using my knowledge?"
"We don't have the budget for something that big!"

Picard: Marta! Corey! My old college buddies! It's great to see you again!
Marta: Old?
Corey: Have you been smoking felicium again, Jonny?

Felicium is injected, not smoked.

Worf: Is something wrong, Lieutenant Picard?
Picard: What's going on? Why am I a lieutenant? Who's the captain of this ship?
Data: Kathryn Janeway.

Janeway was commanding the Bonestell at this point.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Picard says that the incident with the Naussicans was thirty years ago when it was really over forty years. Oops.
* Many inconsistencies between the story as told in "Samaritan Snare" and this episode.

February 22nd, 1993, "Birthright Part One"

Fiver by Kristina

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 46578.4. The Enterprise has arrived at Station Deep Space Nine, to assist in the reconstruction of the Bajoran aqueduct systems damaged during the Cardassian occupation.

"For some reason, the entire senior staff of the station is occupied elsewhere playing some stupid board game with Gamma Quadrant aliens." Hehe...

CRUSHER: I should be through with the water contaminant analysis in a few hours. Then I'm going to check out one of the holosuites. They have got a relaxation programme here, Jean-Luc, from Alture Seven. Listen to this. First they bath you in a protein bath. Then a cloud of chromal vapour carries you into a meditation chamber. You should try it.

I'd really like to know how a cloud of vapor is supposed to carry a person. I can't find a usage of "chromal" that isn't related to chrome plating.

WORF: What is this?
LAFORGE: It's pasta al fiorella. One of my favourites.

Fiorella is a cheese that's a cross between mozarella and ricotta. This dish doesn't exist in the real world, but of course a Trek fan has created a recipe for it.

LAFORGE: (pushes plate away) I'll have to talk to Chief O'Brien about these replicators. Worf, I don't see how you can eat that stuff. It tastes like liquid polymer.
WORF: Delicious.

Was the "Worf likes food that other people think is awful" joke used more often than here and with Riker's eggs?

DATA: I am sorry, but use of sickbay equipment is limited to ship's medical personnel.

You'd think Bashir could just ask permission. Come to think of it, you'd think the CMO of DS9 could request the use of any Starfleet medical facility docked at the station.

SHREK: I expect to be paid for my information. Perhaps we could negotiate an exchange. The location of your father, for--

Does Worf even have gold-pressed latinum on him? I would understand Starfleet ships visiting DS9 to get enough latinum to buy a few meals, but Shrek would want more than that.

Then again, odds are Riker has some latinum on him. I recommend the DS9 novel "The Big Game" where Quark organizes a poker tournament. Riker was specifically invited, but he couldn't make it. Bashir takes his place and gets rather far, and this is BEFORE his enhancements were even conceived of.

(he is practising his martial arts, but gets angry and smashes a glass table. The doorbell chimes)

Seriously, why wouldn't Worf have sturdier furniture than this? I wonder if Troi ever told him how K'Ehleyr broke a table once upon a time.

WORF: A Klingon would never allow himself to be captured. A warrior fights to the death. If my father were alive it would dishonour his sons and their sons for three generations. Even Alexander would bear the burden of guilt.

This situation probably falls into the no-suicide clause.

BASHIR: Right. Data, can I ask you a personal question?
DATA: Certainly.
BASHIR: Does your hair grow?

You'd think something this basic would be part of the publicly-available specs.

DATA: I can control the rate of my follicle replenishment. However, I have not yet had a reason to modify the length of my hair.

A mission to Romulus where you have to impersonate a Romulan doesn't count?

BASHIR: You're breathing.
DATA: Yes. I do have a functional respiration system. However, its purpose is to maintain thermal control of my internal systems. I am, in fact, capable of functioning for extended periods in a vacuum.

"Or walking around on the bottom of a lake. However, I do not foresee ever needing to use that skill."

DATA: Most people are interested in my extraordinary abilities. How fast I can compute, my memory capacity, how long I will live.

That would also be part of his file! Why bother Data with this nonsense?

SHREK: Excellent. I can provide you with the coordinates.
WORF: No. You will take me there.
SHREK: No, it's not possible.

They could've saved so much trouble by just taking the Enterprise. Or at the very least, hiring your own ship. I'm sure Quark could help you out there...

DATA: I have analysed over four thousand different religious and philosophical systems, as well as over two hundred psychological schools of thought, in an effort to understand what happened.

The ratio between religions and psychological schools is interesting.

DATA: The interpretation of visions and other metaphysical experiences are almost always culturally derived, and I have no culture of my own.
PICARD: Yes, you do. You're a culture of one, which is no less valid than a culture of one billion.

Good point.

DATA: I do not understand.
SOONG: You're not supposed to. No man should know where his dreams come from. It spoils the mystery, the fun.

There's a lot to unpack here.

L'KOR: (sings) van'aj javDIch Qong DIr Sa'VIch ghIH yot quelI'Pa qevas HoH Qa. teblaw'nghu mughato'Du ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo'

This is known as the Victory Song, written by Brannon Braga. The lyrics are Klingon words as created by Marc Okrand, but the translation is gibberish. I prefer the Warrior's Anthem, which actually has a meaning. And the Amazing Thing That I Learned Today is that the translation of the Warriors Anthem was used in the fan-made DS9 Season 5 trailer.

Memory Alpha

* It was supposed to be Dax in the Data plot, but Bashir "died" first in "Move Along Home."
* Data tells Bashir that he never had a reason to change his hair length, but he did it back in "The Schizoid Man". Oops.

Fiver

Captain's Log: We are docked at Deep Space Nine to promote the show and see some cast crossovers.

"Some"? There was only one!

Shrek: Worf, son of Mogh? I'm Shrek.
Worf: Where's the donkey? And should you not be green?
Shrek: Not that Shrek. My name is Shrek, too.
Worf: Ah, the sequel. Then where is Puss in Boots?
Shrek: Are you a Klingon or a Pakled?

I get the joke, but it seems a bit too obvious. More depth was needed.

La Forge: What is it with the father fetish of this episode?
Bashir: We go father than no one has gone before....

Horrible grammar for the sake of that joke.

Nitpicker's Guide

* So what was that "medical scanner" for, anyway?
* Phil noticed a person in the "Data-as-bird" flyby. This was mentioned on the Memory Alpha page, but I wasn't going to bring it up. This was June Abston, a makeup artist. Her "cameo" was removed for the remaster.
* Worf's "stealth suit" shows a human-style spine when we know that Klingon spines are much more spiky ("Ethics").

March 1st, 1993, "Birthright Part II"

Fiver by Kristina

The Episode

WORF: Why did you allow it to happen?
GI'RAL: We had no choice. We were defending an outpost on the perimeter. The Romulans took out our shields. The next blast rendered us unconscious. When we awoke, we were prisoners, unarmed and shackled.
L'KOR: We were interrogated for three months. We tried to starve ourselves but they kept us alive.

I'd think if any race would know how to kill themselves without weapons it would be the Klingons. Or at the very least use the Josephus tactic.

L'KOR: The Romulans hoped to trade our lives for territorial concessions, but the Klingon High Council refused to negotiate. They would not acknowledge that their warriors had been taken prisoner.
GI'RAL: And when it was clear that we would be of no use to them, Tokath offered to let us go.
L'KOR: But we knew that our families believed we had fallen in battle, so we did not wish to return to dishonour them.
GI'RAL: We asked Tokath to let us stay and he took pity on us.

And you didn't commit suicide at that point...why? Look, I don't actually hate this episode, it's just a bit too contrived.

L'KOR: Why did you come here? If you had found your father you would have found only dishonour.
WORF: If he had been captured as you were, if I had found him here, I would be glad to see him. There is no room in my heart for shame.
L'KOR: I can only hope that if my son came here, he would be Klingon enough to kill me.

This needed more elaboration. Worf's code is not the same as other Klingons, and because of that Klingon history is quite different. Just think about it, without him Duras and the Romulans would've taken over the entire Alpha Quadrant by now.

WORF: This is a gin'tak spear.

You'd think these things would've joined the standard Klingon arsenal, but nope. They didn't even make a cameo until Lower Decks.

TOQ: We have no need for weapons here. The war is far away.
WORF: What war?
TOQ: The war our parents came here to escape.
WORF: That war was over many years ago.
TOQ: I'm not interested in what you have to say, Klingon.

This seems odd. Are the Romulans deliberately not keeping them informed about current events?

BA'EL: Aren't you happy to have escaped the war?
WORF: The war.
BA'EL: Yes. We've heard the stories all our lives. How people are slaughtered in terrible battles, forced to fight whether they want to or not. That's why our parents came here, to make a safe home, a place where they could raise their children in peace. I should think you'd be relieved to get away from the fighting. You're safe here.

The Romulans have no reason to lie about this, so this must be the elder generation trying to preserve their honor. But this is hardly the simplest method. If I gave it some thought I could probably think up a reasonable alternative, but I'm not in the mood.

WORF: A place can be safe and still be a prison. Where I come from, people are free to come and go as they choose.
BA'EL: So are we.
WORF: Tell your father that you would like to leave. Tell him that you would like to visit the Klingon Home world. See what he says.
BA'EL: Why would I want to go there? It's dangerous.

"To go alone, take this." Sorry. Anyway, how can the war still be going on if Q'onos has fallen? STVI really seemed to imply that no Q'onos=no organized empire.

TOKATH: You're just like L'Kor was twenty years ago. Proud and angry. He hated me. All the Klingons did. And I had no love for them, I won't deny it. When I informed the High Command that the Klingons wanted to remain here, I was told that unless I stayed to oversee them myself, they would be killed. My decision ended my military career.
WORF: Why did you do it?
TOKATH: I don't expect you to understand. You're a Klingon. But I do expect you to understand this, We've put aside the old hatreds. Here, Romulans and Klingons live in peace. I won't allow you to destroy what we have.

There's so much to unpack here. How do the Romulan, Klingon (old), Klingon (Worf), and Federation ideas of peace compare? How much is Tokath deluding himself? Etc.

BA'EL: Bagh Da tuHmoh. ChojaH Duh rHo. ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo'
WORF: Do you know what that song means?
BA'EL: No. I just like the melody.

So are these Klingons speaking a language other than Klingon? If they were speaking Romulan I would imagine Worf would be even more angry.

The Victory Song will be repeated later in the episode. The translation is gibberish.

TOKATH: We haven't had to use one of these for a long time. It implants a small boridium pellet under the skin.

Boridium makes a few appearances throughout Trek. Usually they're used for power networks, but the people of Rigel IV make knives out of it.

(She opens a chest. It contains Klingon armour amongst other items)
BA'EL: I don't know why, but I'm not supposed to look at these things. They're Klingon, aren't they?
WORF: Yes.

Well, duh. Klingons don't seem like the type to regularly import items from elsewhere in the galaxy. Maybe there would be a few Romulan artifacts from the alliance in the TOS days, but that would be it.

(Well, maybe there would be a Klingon translation of Shakespeare in there as well...)

(Ba'el has taken a necklace)
BA'EL: Isn't it beautiful?
WORF: That is a jinaq. It is given to a daughter who has come of age, old enough to take a mate.

The jInaq only appears in the novel Kahless besides this episode.

WORF: Kahless held his father's lifeless body in his arms. He could not believe what his brother had done. Then his brother threw their father's sword into the sea, saying, if he could not possess it, neither would Kahless. That was the last time the brothers would speak.

Kahless' brother was Morath. He's prominent in the novel "Kahless", and the blood the "Kahless" clone was made from was really his. The brother's relationship was much different than as related here.

BA'EL: This Kahless, did he ever take a mate?
WORF: That is another story.
BA'EL: Tell me.

Yes he did. Her name was Kellien. She gave him her jiNaq to hold onto until they could be married. She died before they could be, so he wore the necklace for the rest of his life and never married.

WORF: Klingons and Romulans are blood enemies. Have been for centuries.
BA'EL: Not here. Here, we live in peace.

Except for that brief period in the TOS days when they were allies. And then Kor screwed it up and Kera's (the Romulan Commander played by Mark Leonard, just reverse the letters) daughter-in-law put an end to that. I highly recommend all of John Byrne's Trek comics.

WORF: The qa'vak is not a game. It hones the skills of the hunt.

Another piece of Klingon lore that should've been reused.

TOQ: The hunt? We have replicators here.

Ugh. As has been covered by numerous other episodes, replicated stuff doesn't quite taste like the real thing if you know the difference. Furthermore we know that Klingons avoide replicators if possible. Their bloodwine is real, their gagh is real, I'll bet the targ is real too.

TOQ: Tonight, as we came home, we sang a song of victory. A song known only to me as a lullaby. But it is a warrior's song. Bagh Da tuHmoh. Fire streaks the heavens. ChojaH Duh rHo. Battle has begun. Bagh Da tuHmoh. ChojaH Duh rHo. ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo.
(others join in and I cannot be bothered to try and transcribe it all.)

Why bother? As I already said, the lyrics are gibberish.

BA'EL: (to the guard) Thank you. I will remove the tracking device. Then you can go over the wall and hide in the jungle.

And then what? He has no way off the planet. Eventually Worf would have no choice but to try killing the Romulans one by one until they kill him.

BA'EL: They will kill you.
WORF: Yes. But they will not defeat me.

"I cannot defeat this Klingon. All I can do is kill him, and that no longer holds my interest."

BA'EL: If there is anything that I've learned from you, from your reaction to me, it's that I have no place out there. Other Klingons will not accept me for what I am.

So stay on the Enterprise! For that matter, do the Romulans know that he's a Starfleet officer?

PICARD: You found what you were looking for, Mister Worf?
WORF: No, sir. There was no prison camp. Those young people are survivors of a vessel that crashed in the Carraya system four years ago. No one survived Khitomer.
PICARD: I understand.

Sometime between now and "Rightful Heir" Worf will tell Picard about this. II wonder what the point is in being cryptic here.

The Fiver

Tokath: Worf, remember E'b'nee --
Worf: -- and I-Vo'Ree. Live together?
Tokath: In perfect harmony, side by side on the piano keyboard.
Worf: Oh, Lord, why -- stop reciting these lyrics!
Tokath: It's a small wonder you didn't catch on earlier.

Well, that pun is just painful.

Ba'el: Brushing up on your Tai Chi?
Worf: This is the Mok'bara, which forms the basis for Klingon combat.
Ba'el: I have a better suggestion -- bite me.
Worf: Uhh....
Ba'el: I mean my cheek.
Gi'ral: Keep your filthy hands off my daughter, you!

"For your sake I hope you are initiating a Klingon mating ritual."

Ba'el: Is that a d'k tahg in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

This joke is overused.

Tokath: Worf must be executed, since we can't imagine....
Worf: All the people -- don't agree.
Toq: Kill him, but kill me first.
Ba'el: No, me. I'm sick of hearing all these song lyrics.

My Google Fu failed me this time. Explanation?

Data: This message comes with a Klingon emoticon.
Picard: Come again?
Data: Three beginning angles, one ending angle, a colon, and a start parenthesis.

Beginning angle? Could someone translate this one?

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil wonders why the Data and Worf plots couldn't have been split into two separate episodes. Personally I think the Worf story deserved two full episodes (intercut with the rest of the crew looking for him and dealing with a parallel Romulan plot).
* Phil questions how the cover story for the survivors will work out since these kids know almost nothing about current Klingon culture or current events.
* Wasn't a Klingon captured by the Romulans and returned without incident back in "A Matter of Honor"?

March 29th, 1993, "Starship Mine"

Ah yes, "Die Hard in Space".

No Fiver

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 46682.4. The Enterprise is docked at the Remmler Array, where it will undergo a routine procedure to eliminate accumulated baryon particles. In preparation for the sweep, we are evacuating the ship.

I hate it when the creators take a real scientific term and reappropriate it for something else. Baryon is a real word, it means a subatomic particle with an odd number of quarks. Or put more simply, PROTONS and NEUTRONS are baryons, remove them from a starship and there's nothing left!

TROI: Captain. We're still behind schedule on decks seven and eight. Shall I tell Arkaria Base there'll be a delay?
PICARD: No. Open up the transporters in Cargo bay two and divert everyone from deck seven to there.

I wonder how long it takes to change the settings on a cargo transporter to dial up the precision to lifeform levels. And frankly all of the cargo transporters should already be in use to evacuate the ship.

CRUSHER: Captain. Arkaria Base does not have the medical storage units I have requested. I have seven living tissue samples that won't survive the baryon sweep anymore than you or I would.

You'd think Crusher would've dealt with this way before now.

PICARD: Mister Data, are you all right?
DATA: Yes, sir. I am attempting to fill a silent moment with non-relevant conversation.
PICARD: Small talk.
DATA: Yes, sir. I have found that humans often use small talk during awkward moments. Therefore, I have written a new subroutine for that purpose. How did I do?
PICARD: Perhaps it was a little too non-relevant. But if you really are interested in small talk, then you should keep your eye on Commander Hutchinson at the reception this afternoon. He's a master.

In retrospect mastering small talk seems like a necessary stepping stone to the humor that he's already tackled.

LAFORGE: Yes, sir. We've logged in five years more warp hours than most ships do in ten, so our baryon particle levels are high.

Look, I'm all for warp drive creating impurities on a ship that have to be cleaned out every so often, but you can't call them baryons!

I wonder if Voyager's redesigned warp engines negated the necessity of baryon sweeps.

PICARD: Very well. Computer, disable all command functions in thirty minutes.

And command functions have to be disabled-why?

WORF: Captain. Request permission to be excused from Commander Hutchinson's reception.
PICARD: Permission granted. I wish I could excuse myself as well.
LAFORGE: Captain, permission to be
PICARD: Mister La Forge, I cannot excuse my entire senior staff. Mister Worf beat you to it.

Ha ha. And then Worf gives the most amused and yet smug smirk.

NEIL: Where's the ODN interface?

You know, if you're going to steal from the flagship, I expect you to have every step of this theft rehearsed on the holodeck before you show up!

DATA: It is very good to see you both again. Beverly. May I call you Beverly? Beverly, have you noticed that the mean temperature here on Arkaria is slightly higher normal for human comfort levels? I have found that humans prefer a body temperature of twenty one degrees Celsius in order to operate most efficiently. However, there are several cultures who actually prefer that their body temperature is identical to the temperature of the room in which they are standing. The Sheliak, for example...

Body temperature is 37 Celsius. 21 Celsius is room temperature (about 70 Farenheit). Or rather a bit hotter than room temperature, which we usually take as 20 C or 68 F. I won't get into thermostat wars, that's a beartrap I don't care to step into.

PICARD: Then I have enough time to back to the ship and get my saddle.
TROI: Your saddle?
PICARD: Yes. A saddle is a very personal thing. It has to be broken in, used, cared for.
LAFORGE: You keep a saddle on board the Enterprise?
PICARD: Oh yes, yes. I never know when I'll have the opportunity to ride.
TROI: I see.
PICARD: It's perfectly normal. Most serious riders do have their own saddles.

After "Pen Pals" I'm surprised that Troi isn't aware of Picard's interest in horses.

DEVOR: What are you doing?
(everyone, say hi! to Tim Russ, not yet a Vulcan)

May I recommend the 1993 "Journey to the Center of the Earth" TV movie if you want to see a pre-Tuvok Russ?

(Devor makes to attack Picard with the laser, so he throws the saddle at him. They wrestle then Picard neck-pinches him unconscious)

Phil Farrand suspects that it was Picard's mindmeld with Sarek that allowed him to neck-pinch. I'm doubtful. I can't help but feel that like every other time Vulcans make skin contact, there is a telepathic component involved. Especially when you consider all the times Spock neck pinched people from species that he'd never met before. So I have no clue how Picard did that. How Data can do it requires another theory.

RIKER: Geordi, what happened to the Captain?
LAFORGE: Oh, he went back to the ship to get his saddle.
RIKER: His saddle?
LAFORGE: Any serious rider would have his own saddle.
RIKER: Oh.

Round Two for the Rule of Three. Had they tried to quadruple-dip this gag it would've backfired.

DEVOR: The baryon sweep uses a high-frequency plasma field. Your phaser won't work.
PICARD: You're probably right. But I'd like to bet this will. A laser welder can be deadly.

I have no problem with laser welders being simpler mechanically and thus still being functional, it's phasers not being able to handle a plasma field that bugs me. Come to think it of it, wouldn't a secondary beam for a phaser be a good idea? Only a single lethal setting, but using the minimal number of parts to ensure functionality in unusual situations like this?

DEVOR: You're Starfleet. You won't kill me.
PICARD: You sure?
(Picard hypos him instead)
PICARD: Seems you're right.

I'll skip the screed about Starfleet ethics regarding lethal force, but I can tell you it would've been a BIG one.

(Picard is caught trying to climb up. It's Patricia Tallman in alien makeup as Kiros)

Patricia Tallman was a regular on Babylon 5, but as SF Debris said once, her Trek work was as a stuntwoman. So I wouldn't get attached to her.

HUTCH: That's fascinating. Not too many people know this, but Tyrellia is one of only three known inhabited worlds without a magnetic pole.
DATA: I was aware of that. But are you aware that Tyrellia is one of seven known planets with no atmosphere whatsoever.

No magnetic pole? If there's a molten metal core there HAS to be a magnetic field around the planet. Furthermore, I have to think that a magnetic field is necessary for proper weather patterns to maintain Class M conditions.

No atmosphere whatsoever? Not so rare, but if we're talking about inhabited worlds it narrows things down significantly. I can't imagine the inhabitants are anywhere near humanoid, they'd have to be closer to the Companion or a Horta.

TROI: They're still at it.
RIKER: Non-stop. I have to admit it has a certain strange fascination. How long can two people talk about nothing?

Eight years if Seinfeld is to be believed.

NEIL: Okay. That should do it. I think.
KELSEY: (did I mention she's a redhead?) Be sure, Neil.

Hey Chakoteya, what does her being a redhead have to do with ANYTHING? Are you sharing a fetish, tapping into a cliche, or what?

KELSEY: Who are you?
PICARD: My name is Mot. I'm the barber.

Mot actually only made two on-screen appearances (three if you count cut scenes), which surprised me. There were a few other Bolian barbers seen in other episodes, it's unknown if any of them were supposed to be Mot.

TROI: They haven't tried to communicate with the outside.
RIKER: No demands, no political statements, no theft. They must want something.

I can't imagine anything here is worthy of theft (except Data, of course). I can't imagine how this would be a good chance to make a political statement. So blackmail or ransom would be the obvious reason.

CRUSHER: I've adjusted the optical transducer in his visor to block some of the pain receptors in his brain.

For once the Treknobabble makes sense. A transducer is something that converts energy from one form into another. All sound devices, antennas, and sensors contain them.

How Crusher did this without tools is a surprise. I can't imagine that the VISOR has styluses stored inside to manipulate the circuitry.

PICARD: I would rather destroy the ship than allow that material to fall into the hands of terrorists.
KELSEY: What makes you think I'm a terrorist?
PICARD: Trilithium resin is a highly toxic waste product produced by our engines.
PICARD [OC]: It's only possible use could be as a weapon.

That's sure the only use that Sisko found for it.

KIROS [OC]: I have Mott.
KELSEY: Is he alive?
KIROS [OC]: Yes.

I think you mean, "Who's Mott? We're looking for Mot!" Sorry, but after his earlier quips I had to take a potshot at Chakoteya.

KELSEY: I'm not a terrorist Captain, nor do I have a political agenda, although I know some people who do have agendas. And they are very interested in this little container.
PICARD: Profit. This is all about profit.
KELSEY: I prefer to think of it as commerce.

The whole "I prefer to call it something not quite as offensive" thing is a cliche that needs to be eliminated from the writer's handbook. There's only so many ways to do it well, and that usually requires a pun or other double-meaning. You can't play it straight anymore and extract any entertainment from it.

WORF: Captain, you keep a saddle on board?
RIKER: Mister Worf, I'm surprised at you.
CRUSHER: Anyone who is an experienced rider naturally has his own saddle.
TROI: It's perfectly normal.

Actually, of anyone on board I would expect Worf to understand the importance of a saddle. Klingons would have their own equivalent to a horse that is still used in battles, wouldn't they?

Memory Alpha

* It's pointed out that Archer and McCoy also failed to learn the nerve pinch post mind-meld.
* The difference between the trilithium of Generations and the trilithium resin of this episode is discussed.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Why doesn't Picard head for a shuttlebay or the Captain's Yacht? In the Yacht's (AKA the Callipso's) case I would have to imagine that the launch sequence requires a lot more assistance from outside to undock the ship.
* Phil is confused about the humor from Worf's final "of course", his only theory is that it's a Mr. Ed joke. It's just Worf being deadpan and going along with his captain, you don't need to overthink it, Phil!
* The Tarellians are mentioned, a race that was last seen in "Haven" and consisting of a small group of Typhoid Marys that Wyatt was trying to help. I'll have to assume that they're not the same race.
* Someone messed up the digits in the stardate, because otherwise somehow Worf escaped the Romulan prison camp for one mission before being sent back.
* One of the weapons the thieves used is a Varon T disruptor, last seen in "The Most Toys" as something that only one of exists outside of Fajo's collection. It's a surprise that a common thief would be using such a weapon for a simple theft.

Agreed.

You've never Imagined all the people living lives in pe-e-e-eeace?

Pointy brackets, I presume. <<<>:(

April 3rd, 1993, "Lessons"

I have a big problem with the entire premise of this episode. Picard should know better. Furthermore, this isn't like Troi and Riker, you can't dangle the Picard/Crusher carrot for this long and still act like they can date other people. Vash was an unusual situation, Jenice Manheim was an unusual situation.

"But, Nate!" I hear you cry. "They still had to work out their guilt and discomfort from Jack's death!" Sorry, no dice. It was made perfectly clear that all of the guilt was on Picard's side. Even at Farpoint Crusher considered him a friend. Had they not bee in the same chain of command she probably would've accepted a date offer five years ago!

DATA: I'm sorry, sir, but Stellar Cartography has requested a communications blackout while they run an experiment.

This needed to be explained better. All that we needed was a sentence about how why this is necessary, perhaps they're pushing the sensor range and want as little interference as possible.

PICARD: Computer, display the latest excavation schematics on Landris Two.
COMPUTER: Library computer is temporarily offline.
PICARD: Explain.
COMPUTER: Library systems have been allocated to Stellar Cartography.

What? There are THREE computer cores for a reason! If you're telling me that pushing the long-range sensors requires all three cores I'm going to laugh you out of the room!

And frankly, the bridge should have a dedicated mini-core for the exclusive use of the senior staff.

PICARD: Tea, Earl Grey. Hot.
COMPUTER: Replicator systems are offline at the request of
PICARD + COMPUTER: Stellar Cartography.

Now this is just being mean. The processor power occupied by the replicators is a drop in the bucket. Furthermore, turning of the Captain's replicator without the Captain's permission sounds like a court-martial offense to me!

NELLA: In or out, just close that door. And don't move. It'll take a second for our eyes to re-adjust.

You do know that aren't any actual optical telescopes on the Enterprise, right? You're turning off the lights for no reason!

NELLA: Forget it. Lights. Whoever you are, you just ruined four hours of work.
PICARD: You might have taken the simple precaution of locking the door.
NELLA: It's three o'clock in the morning. Captain Picard.

And? The Romulans aren't going to wait for "daytime" on the Enterprise to attack! People will be walking back and forth 24/7.

For that matter, how did Picard ruin four hours of work? Don't even think of telling me that they're using camera film that's easy to overexpose!

NELLA: Earl Grey? No wonder you can't sleep. Computer, bring replicators back online and give me a cup of Daren herbal tea blend number three, hot. You shouldn't be drinking a stimulant at this time of night. I think you'll like this.

I'm really getting annoyed by the implication that you have to specify hot tea. Only blends of tea that can plausibly be served hot or cold should need the clarification.

(Picard tries it and pulls a face, but anyone who can drink hot Bergamot shouldn't criticise other blends)

This is no time for editorializing, Chakoteya!

NELLA: I'm sorry if the system blackouts we requested inconvenienced you. We're taking very precise gravimetric readings. It wouldn't have taken much to throw them off.

Yeah, I don't buy it. The whole point of gravity is that it's not thrown off so easily.

(Picard is listening to the 3rd Brandenburg with an unfamiliar instrument in it, when the doorbell chimes)

Written by Bach, the Brandenburg Concerto No. 3 sounds rather middle-of-the-road in terms of classical music. I hesitate to say "boring", but certainly "unadventurous."

NELLA: What kind of flute is that?
PICARD: It's Ressikan.
NELLA: I've never saw one before.
PICARD: They're not made anymore.

Oh come on, there have to be Ferengi knockoffs by now. Incidentally, considering that this thing is one of a kind, shouldn't it be in a museum by now?

PICARD: There isn't a piano.
NELLA: Ah, but there is.
(she unrolls a keyboard on the coffee table)

You shouldn't be surprised to learn that the "rolled" version of the piano is a different prop from the "flat" version. I don't doubt that such an instrument would be useful aboard ship. Would anyone really pay to ship a full-sized grand piano to their quarters?

(she plays Frere Jacque and they do the roundel)

A roundel is a poem that cycles.

NELLA: Tell me, have you known him long?
CRUSHER: Yes, a very long time.

She's known Picard since at least 2348 when she married Jack. I'd say that twenty years counts as "a very long time".

NELLA: He seems somewhat isolated.
CRUSHER: I'd say he's a very private person, but not isolated.

Just because he's isolated from the Enterprise crew doesn't mean that he doesn't have friends. We've seen that he knows most of the archeologists in the Federation and has any number of exgirlfriends running around out there.

NELLA: Do you know where we are?
PICARD: Yes, this is the fourth intersect in Jefferies tube twenty five.

Please tell me he snuck a glance at a panel to say this. If you're going to tell me that people in the future can memorize every Jefferies Tube junction on the ship I'm going to call you crazy.

NELLA: No, this is the most acoustically perfect spot on the ship.
(she starts up the Moonlight Sonata on her keyboard)

The Moonlight Sonata was written by Beethoven in 1801.

(he plays what seems like a variation of the Skye Boat song)

I've covered the similarities between the Skye Boat song and "The Inner Light" before, but it seems odd that Chakoteya wouldn't just say "The Inner Light." Aside from one stanza the two songs aren't really that similar anyway.

(Geordi can hear the music, and goes into the main Jefferies tube access to investigate)
DATA: Is there a problem, Geordi?
LAFORGE: I hear music.
DATA: Music? I do not hear anything.
LAFORGE: Are you sure? I know I heard something. Oh, it's stopped.
(because the musicians are kissing)

Why can't Data hear the music?

NELLA: I'd heard about Kerelian tenors all my life, but nothing could've prepared me for this man's voice.

Only mention of Kerelians. Insert another request for a TOS reference. This time I would expect the Platonians or similar.

PICARD: Sit down, Counsellor. I want to talk to you about a matter of protocol. I know there are no Starfleet regulations about a Captain becoming involved with a fellow officer, but--

There isn't? That's another screed that could be written!

TROI: That's true. But cutting yourself off from your feelings can carry consequences that are just as serious.
PICARD: You seem I've always believed that becoming involved with someone under my command would compromise my objectivity. And yet...

And yet...what? The tradition exists for a reason and you're going to prove why! That's one place where this episode falls short, it doesn't really do a good job showing all sides of an issue.

TROI: Captain, are you asking my permission?
PICARD: If I were, would you give it?
TROI: Yes.

If anything I would want Beverly's permission! This is one place where the "ship's counselor as member of senior staff" thing falls apart. Kirk asked Spock and McCoy for advice as friends, and it really seems like Picard isn't doing the same thing with Troi here.

RIKER: It's about Lieutenant Commander Daren. As a department head, she comes to me for systems allocation, personnel transfers, things like that. I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable with her requests.
PICARD: Because of her relationship with me?
RIKER: Yes, sir.
PICARD: Are her requests unusual?
RIKER: No.
PICARD: Would you say that she's just trying to do her job?
RIKER: Yes, sir.
PICARD: Then let her do it, and feel free to do yours.

Like SF Debris said, Riker is acting wimpy here. If Nella HAD made an unreasonable request (i.e. playing the Picard card), that would be one thing. But here Riker is acting quite wimpy, totally unlike the guy who stared down a Borg cube and saved the Alpha Quadrant.

NELLA: What about that special dessert you promised me?
PICARD: Right. Now this is something that I first tasted on Thelka Four--

Yet another solo reference. I'm a little shocked that one of the novels hasn't covered Picard's visit to Thelka IV.

(a different one, with Guy Vardeman at the transporter controls)

Guy Vardaman was a bit player in TNG, often as a shooting double for Spiner. After TNG ended he worked on startrek.com for a few years and also a Trek magazine. I wonder if Chakoteya is a fan.

Memory Alpha

* The prop guys messed up the key layout for the portable piano, the expert they brought in almost had a fit about it.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Where did Daren get the phasers that she used on the storm? She wasn't carrying one when she beamed down.
* Why couldn't Nella be a civilian scientist like Keiko?

April 26th, 1993, "The Chase"

Ah yes, the episode that should've either been expanded into two episodes or ditched the assembled aliens.

No fiver

The Episode

Captain's log, Stardate 46731.5. We are in the midst of the Volterra nebula, a stellar nursery. Our three week mission is a routine analysis of several dozen protostars in various stages of development.

Grrr. I get that the Enterprise is a great all-purpose mobile laboratory, but the flagship should never be doing three-week missions floating around a nebula. This is prime science vessel territory.

DATA: Captain, I have completed the spectral evaluation of the outer shell. Our survey of this protostar is complete.
PICARD: Ensign, lay in a course to the next one, three quarters impulse.

I'm going to be generous and say that they need to clear the protostar's gravity well before they can engage warp. Even so, I do question why three-quarters impulse would be safer than full impulse in this case.

PICARD: Green polychrome over the eyes, and the eyes themselves are closed. This is third Dynasty. From the workshop of the Master of Tarquin Hill.
GALEN: Well done.

Memory Beta says that the Master of Tarquin Hill was a Trill and that Kurl was a Trill colony world. Well, that's weird. Sorry, but I don't buy the Trill being a warp-capable race for over a thousand years.

GALEN: Go ahead.
PICARD: You mean it's complete?
(Picard raises the top half of the pot to reveal a cluster of little pots inside it)

I still remember Picard's facial expression when he reveals the inner statues.

PICARD: Will, the Kurlan civilisation believed that an individual was a community of individuals. Inside us are many voices, each with its own desires, its own style, its own view of the world.

I like to think that this isn't supposed to refer to multiple personality disorder, just that our personalities get compartmentalized into various roles. We all have our "work self", "school self", "family self", etc. Some people have more trouble than others switching between these mindsets.

Captain's log, supplemental. It's been over thirty years since I last saw my archaeology professor.

Picard graduated in 2327. It's now 2369. Assuming that he was Galen's student at the Academy, that's more like forty years. Oops. Unless you're going to try to convince me that he went back for more classes at a later date.

GALEN: Are you familiar with micropaleontology?
PICARD: Yes, it's the study of fossil records at the microscopic level.

Once you get microscopic, I'm not sure you can call it "paleontology" anymore. A different branch of historical biology, perhaps.

PICARD: I'm deeply honoured that you'd think of me, but I have responsibilities.
GALEN: To History. What if you could have helped Schliemann discover the City of Troy, or been with M'Tell as she first stepped on Ya'Seem.

Heinrich Schliemann was a German businessman in the nineteenth century. As an archaeologist he was an amateur, focusing on ancient Mediterranean civilizations in particular and the Greek sites mentioned by Homer in particular. Prior to his work people were looking in the wrong spot for the ancient city of Troy. He found another incorrect Troy before finding the real one.

I actually remember Schliemann for something other than Troy. Louisa May Alcott mentions him in the concluding paragraphs of her Little Women book series:

It is a strong temptation to the weary historian to close the present tale with an earthquake which should engulf Plumfield and its environs so deeply in the bowels of the earth that no youthful Schliemann could ever find a vestige of it.

PICARD: I couldn't leave the Enterprise. But the offer raised in me certain feelings of regret.
CRUSHER: That you could have been an archaeologist and not a starship Captain?
PICARD: No, not really. I'm not sorry for the path I chose.

As SF Debris says, it's good that they didn't go down this cliched path. The Road Not Taken is a screenwriting crutch that is rarely used well.

Although it does make you wonder why the Atlantis Project was so tempting to him, that's not his area of science.

GALEN: You're like some Roman centurion out patrolling the provinces, maintenancing a dull and bloated Empire.

I'm not sure how well this metaphor works. There's a screed to be had here, but I won't be writing one.

WORF: A Yridian destroyer.

A Yridian destroyer? Those weak information merchants who would collapse in a stiff breeze? THEY built a warship?

TROI: I meant, how's it going with you?
PICARD: If I had gone with him.

You would've died, too. Maybe you're a better pilot and gunner than Galen was, but at best you would've bought a bit more time. Not enough to save Galen.

PICARD: Counsellor, this is not simply a case of me taking the Enterprise and its crew on some wild goose chase to purge myself of guilt and remorse. I will not let Galen's death to be in vain. Now, if that means inconveniencing a few squabbling delegates for a few days, then so be it. I will take the full responsibility.

Y'know for someone with Picard's skill as a mediator, this is a little cold-blooded.

PICARD: There's only one planet in the Kurlan system capable of supporting life. Loren Three.

You do realize that planets capable of supporting life NOW aren't necessarily able to support life billions of years ago, and vice-versa, right?

OCETT [on viewscreen]: My name is Gul Ocett. Identify yourselves and state your business in this star system.
(tara ra boom di ay - it's Linda Thorsen under the latex)

Chakoteya must be a fan of The Avengers, she was Steed's companion afterD Diana Rigg (Emma Peel) left.

RIKER: We used the inertial dampers to simulate complete shield failure.

I have no idea how this is supposed to work given my expertiese in Treknology.

PICARD: The programme has been activated. I think it's reconfiguring the tricorder.
NU'DAQ: We die together, Brother. Tash Koh Tah.
PICARD: It's modifying the emitter diode to project something.

Yeah, this is complete nonsense.

(the tricorder projects a hologram. It's Salome Jens in a blank latex head, the first but not the last she will wear on Trek)

It's sad how many people think that the Progenitors HAVE to be related to the Founders due to the recycled actress.

ROMULAN [on monitor]: Captain, my ships are leaving orbit for Romulan space. Until our next encounter.
PICARD: Until then.
ROMULAN [on monitor]: It would seem that we are not completely dissimilar after all, in our hopes, or in our fears.
PICARD: Yes.
ROMULAN [on monitor]: Well, then. Perhaps, one day.
PICARD: One day.

As stated on the Heartwarming page over at TV Tropes, this bit can tie back to "The Defector" and even "Balance of Terror". "In another reality, I could have called you friend."

Memory Alpha

* Ronald Moore considered making it explicit that the Progenitors were the Preservers, but decided to not make it direct. It was made clear in the novel Federation and the Shatnerverse, neither of which will remotely fit into even the regular novelverse canon. Star Trek Online finally made it explicit, for whatever definition of "canon" you want to apply to STO.
* Ocett is the only female Gul ever seen in canon.
* This is the first time Klingons, Romulans, and Cardassians were in the same episode.
* Picard discarding the naiskos in Generations was mentioned. I must admit that it seems odd that something as fragile as the naiskos was kept on the ship. At least the Mintakan tapestry he kept on his chair was more durable than a clay statue.

Nitpicker's Guide

* In "Lessons" the stars outside Picard's quarters moved towards the ship (i.e. his quarters are near the bow). In this episode the stars move across the window (i.e. his quarters are on the starboard side). Phil suspects that after the Nella Darren fiasco Picard had to change quarters.
* Wouldn't the Federation have laws against plundering ruins? The naiskos really do belong in a museum after all. Of course, this observation made me imagine Picard in Indiana Jones clothese, hehe.
* The odds against all of the races occupying the area seeded by the Projenitors having the same technology level is incredible.
* Salome Jens' projection has a shadow! This isn't likely to be a solid hologram, after all.

May 3rd, 1993, "Frame of Mind"

Oh, this is going to hurt. Like I've said many times, I don't like plots where people are thought to be crazy.

Fiver by Scott Z

The Episode

CRUSHER: No. Why don't we take a break for tonight? I think we've made a lot of progress.
RIKER: I'm still not comfortable with that final speech.
CRUSHER: There's such a thing as over-rehearsing, Will. You're going to be fine.

Oh boy, can I concur. When you study for too long the law of diminishing returns DEFINITELY kicks in and you're just wasting time.

RIKER: Maybe I'm just not right for this part.
DATA: Most humanoids have the potential to be irrational. Perhaps you should attempt to access that part of your psyche.

It's too late in the series for Data to be this literal. There are people who can put on the coat of irrationality and take it off later without problem and there are others who can't.

I'm reminded of an interview that Gene Roddenberry had with DeForest Kelley. De talks about how his persona blends with every role he plays. If he played Jack the Ripper he'd be influenced by that persona while playing the part, but he could still drop the influence when the role is over.

RIKER: Tilonus Four? Didn't their government just collapse?
PICARD: It's in a state of total anarchy. When the Prime Minister was assassinated, a Federation research team was on the planet. It's believed that they were forced into hiding. Your mission will be to locate and to evacuate them.

Ugh. As I've said before it's crazy every time they imply that Starfleet Security can't secure ONE BUILDING. Furthermore this research team should have a shuttle in orbit for a quick beamaway when necessary.

PICARD: Apparently, some of the factions have resorted to torture to gather their information. Well, a Starfleet research team would be a prime target.
RIKER: Then I'll have to go down there alone, undercover.
PICARD: Agreed.

Really? Why is that? Not even a two-man team would work? For that matter, why is Riker a better choice than Worf for this mission?

TROI: Sometimes it's healthy to explore the darker sides of the psyche. Jung called it owning your own shadow. This could be a sign that you're a real actor. This is becoming more than just a role to you.
RIKER: Maybe you're right.
TROI: Don't be afraid of your darker side. Have fun with it.

Oh boy, how often has THAT backfired in Trek? "Darkling" springs to mind immediately.

RIKER: No, I'll check them tomorrow. I'm going to bed early. The performance is tomorrow night. I want to be up for it.
TROI: I'm looking forward to it. Break a leg.

I thought I knew the origin of the expression, but I guess not. Either the idea is using reverse psychology to trick a curse into a blessing, or it's based on a pun in Yiddish. Whatever.

RIKER: Now, if what you say is true, where am I?
SYRUS: You're in Ward forty seven of the Tilonus Institute for Mental Disorders.

This might be the most obvious 47 that I've ever seen.

JAYA: I hear you're a Starfleet officer. I'm Commander Bloom from the Yorktown. There are at least a dozen of us here, maybe more. We were kidnapped, brought here against our will. Sanders was on the Yosemite. They did something to his mind. I think they're trying to get neurochemicals from our brains. Stafko was with me on the Yorktown. I don't know what they did to him. We're going to get out of here. I've made a communicator.
RIKER: You have?
JAYA: Yes. There are three starships in orbit. They're going to beam us out of here any day now. I'll tell them to get you out, too. (into spoon) Lieutenant Bloom to Yorktown. Come in, Yorktown. I've made contact with another officer.

I would be suspicious at this turn of events. In the real world there's no way a mentally ill person could create a story that cohesive and long.

At this point the Yorktown is a Zodiac-class ship, NCC-61137. The Yosemite is Oberth-class, NCC-19002.

And the rest of the episode can be ignored because it's just Riker bouncing back and forth doubting his own sanity. I HATE those kind of plots.

I've already said that I don't revisit shows like Equinox and Course: Oblivion. Shows where the characters are suffering, suffering, suffering with no reprieve is NOT ENTERTAINMENT to me.

The Fiver

Picard: Some of the factions on Tilonus IV have resorted to torture to gain their information.
Riker: You mean...?
Picard: I'm afraid so. They've started airing reruns from the Home Shopping Network archives.
Riker: I feel faint....

Wow, you can really tell the fiver was written in 2001. We could come up with way more painful forms of farcical torture these days.

Mavek: Dr. Syrus thought you might enjoy some time in the common area.
Riker: Why, what goes on there?
Mavek: We throw you nutcases together in a room and take bets on which one's the craziest.
Riker: Sounds good. I'll put twenty bars of latinum down on the one who's going to end up playing the Borg Queen.

My first question is "which Borg Queen?" Apparently it's Suzanna Thompson, the Voyager Borg Queen actress (not counting the finale when First Contact Alice Kringe stole her thunder, of course).

Riker: To demonstrate my sheer strength, I will now tear down this set with my bare hands.
Crusher: Quick, Deanna, get the holocamera!
Troi: Why?
Crusher: (morphing into Syrus) I want to capture the look on his face when he discovers this really is an asylum. Muahahahahaha....

NOT FUNNY.

Nitpicker's Guide

* If Riker was surgically altered to look like a local, why is he human in the asylum?
* Why wasn't a subcutaneous transponder used for this mission?

May 10th, 1993, "Suspicions"

Fiver by Derek

The Episode

CRUSHER: You'd better go to Sickbay. I think Doctor Selar's on duty.

Selar really got the shaft in TNG. The planned romance arc with Worf never would've worked, but there were other things that she could've done. Furthermore, I'm insulted at the idea at the time that you can't recycle actors. DS9 did it all the time and nobody complained. Selar and K'Ehleyr were completely different people.

CRUSHER: That's why I went to the Altine Conference. I'd heard about a new subspace technology developed by a Ferengi, a Doctor Reyga.
GUINAN: A Ferengi scientist. Hmm.
CRUSHER: His invention was based on metaphasic fields, but his methodology was completely unorthodox.

I'm all for characters having interests beyond their profession, but this one never made much sense. Her interests in the theatre or dancing made sense, this one doesn't. I suppose as someone who likes to command the ship every so often she'd me more up to date on the latest tech than Troi or Guinan would, but that still doesn't translate.

I do like Doctor Reyga, though. It's always good to see Ferengi that aren't driven by profit.

CRUSHER: Yes. I hoped I could be a facilitator. I thought if I invited scientists from various cultures to board the Enterprise, I could sit them and down help them understand the value of his ideas.
GUINAN: Like a scientific diplomat.

I'm curious about how Crusher has the "pull" to assemble these scientists. It stands to reason that in the scientific community she would be more well-known than Pulaski or Selar, but not to this level. It's sad to think that these guys are using her to get more widespread recognition. Not everyone gets to do experiments on the Enterprise, after all.

CRUSHER [OC]: Kurak was a warp field specialist on the Klingon Homeworld. I don't think Klingons regard scientists very highly. She always seemed a little defensive.

This seems odd. I wouldn't expect Klingons to respect ALL scientists, but anything to do with starship engineering would be the exception, wouldn't it? If you can make the ships go faster or use less power for speed that could be diverted to weapons, that would be something worth honoring.

CRUSHER: Doctor Reyga has offered to demonstrate his invention. He's outfitted one of our shuttles with his metaphasic shield.
REYGA: I will take it into the corona of the star Vaytan.
CHRISTOPHER: That star has a superdense corona. The shuttle would be subjected to particularly intense radiation. Perhaps it would be wise to choose a star of lesser magnitude.
T'PAN: I agree. My own research into solar energy transfer suggests that Vaytan's corona is extremely unstable.
REYGA: What better way to test my invention? I'm not concerned. The shield will hold.

Yeah, this seems foolhardy. There has to be a "safer" (in whatever context you could apply that word in this situation) star around.

REYGA: Well, if there's anything I'm used to, it's scepticism. After all, a Ferengi scientist is almost a contradiction in terms. No, don't deny it. I know how the Ferengi are regarded.

Thank goodness that we're not going to bother with this plot point beyond acknowledging it. Far too much time could've been wasted on the Ferengi proving himself as a legitimate scientist.

For that matter, why would engineering be something that the Ferengi look down on? You need ships to reach potential customers, and getting there faster would mean getting an edge on your competition. If anything I would expect a Ferengi from a rival science coalition to be sneaking around trying to sabotage or steal the prototype shuttle.

JO'BRIL [on viewscreen]: I am one million kilometres from the star's corona. Proceeding at three quarters impulse. I should reach it in approximately three minutes.

I was about to do the math, but the Memory Alpha page for Impulse Engine did it for me. The speed he's quoting is an order of magnitude smaller than the "full impulse=1/4 times the speed of light" standard used elsewhere in the TNG era. Oops.

RIKER: What's going on, Mister Data?
DATA: Sensors indicate an increased level of baryon particles in the cabin.
REYGA: No! That's not possible.

"Baryon" just means "protons and neutrons". Trek uses the term wrong all the time. I don't understand how an increased heat or radiation level would spontaneously create atomic nuclei.

CRUSHER: I mean, I've lost patients before.
GUINAN: But this was different.
CRUSHER: Mmm.
GUINAN: You know, when you're a doctor and you have patients, you're in control. But when you send someone out on a mission, all you can do is sit and watch.
CRUSHER: That's what I felt. Helpless.

It occurs to me that this whole plotline would've worked better with Pulaski. Crusher has command training, which would've included the same "be able to order someone to die" stuff that Troi had to go through. Pulaski never went through that training.

CRUSHER: I've never run into a humanoid species like this before. His internal physiology's baffling. He doesn't seem to have any discrete organs, at least not in the traditional sense. Practically every system is equally distributed throughout the body. That kind of physiology should make him incredibly resistant to injury, so whatever killed him must have occurred at the cellular level.

This seems odd. Jo'Bril's species (the Takarans) aren't Federation members, so why did Crusher invite him in the first place? And even if it made sense to invite him, Crusher would've insisted on doing complete scans in case something went wrong. She should've been more prepared. This also reflects on McCoy's lack of medical knowledge of Klingons in the Undiscovered Country, but that's a whole other screed.

PICARD: Beverly. I'm afraid there will be no autopsy. The family has already been contacted. They insist that the body must not be touched until they perform the Ferengi death ritual.

I'll skip the Divine Treasury/dessicated disc stuff that hasn't been invented yet. My question is why Crusher can't ask to perform an autopsy on what's left of him AFTER the death ritual.

CRUSHER: Don't worry. I know I'm not supposed to be here. I'll go.
OGAWA: Computer, access autopsy files.
OGAWA: I assume you'll need the files on Doctor Reyga and Jo'Bril?
CRUSHER: Alyssa.
OGAWA: I can

see how important this is to you.
CRUSHER: I don't want you to get involved in this.
OGAWA: Is that an order, Doctor?
CRUSHER: Yes.
OGAWA: Too bad you're not my boss now.

Thank goodness they didn't waste time on Ogawa's mutiny. STIV already said everything that needed to be said.

JO'BRIL: I'm sending out a transient subspace signal. It will obscure the shuttle from the Enterprise sensors and they will interpret it as a warp engine breach. They will believe that you have been destroyed. I'd like to thank you, Doctor.

While I have no doubt that a warp core breach would have an effect on subspace, I think there are other things that will be absent in this fakery. Radiation from a massive matter-antimatter reaction, for one thing. Plus that whole lack of debris thing.

Chief Medical Officer's log, stardate 46831.2. I have been reinstated and I will be resuming my duties shortly.

What? You still defiled Reyga's body and defied orders! All loose ends cannot possibly be tied up this easily. At least do something akin to Riker in "The Pegasus" and say that there's going to be more investigation offscreen. Maybe a demotion to Lieutenant Commander and having to be recertified as a Bridge officer in a future episode.

The Fiver

Guinan: Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
Crusher: Then don't do that! Zing!

That joke is so old that it's positively creaky.

Crusher: I remember when I first met the crazy wide-eyed Ferengi scientist Dr. Reyga.
Reyga: Marty! You've got to come back to the future with me!
Crusher: Uh, no, more like --

Good thing 1985-A Biff wasn't around.

Reyga: I'm going to fly a ship directly into the sun!
Crusher: Won't your ship burn up?
Reyga: Nah, I'll go at night.

Ouch, the lameness of that one hurt.

Crusher: However, in a desperate grab for screentime, I decided to hold a conference on Dr. Reyga's ideas anyway. The first thing I made the attendees do was introduce themselves.
Kurak: I'm a Klingon engineer or scientist or something. Just think of me as Torres's Klingon half.

Not really. You're more like what Torres THOUGHT her Klingon half was before "Faces."

T'Pan: I'm the head of the Vulcan Science Academy and I'm only here to tell all of you that the Vulcan Science Directorate has concluded that anything you plan to do is impossible.

Enterprise jokes don't cut much ice with me. I think it's because there aren't that many of them to be had, the plot and characters never had much depth.

Christopher: And I'm here to reverse the stereotype of Vulcan male/Human female.

Actually Vulcan man/human woman really only happened with Spock. In the broader Trek mythos it was usually the other way around. I'm most reminded of Daniel Corrigan and T'Mir from Jean Lorrah's TOS novels.

Reyga: My metaphasic shield will work! I just need your help developing the shield.
T'Pan: The Vulcan Science Directorate has concluded that metaphasics is impossible.
Reyga: But I built a prototype!
T'Pan: The Vulcan Science Directorate has concluded that prototypes are impossible.

This joke wasn't strong enough for repeat use. Or maybe I just hate Enterprise that much.

Jo'Bril: Please let me out of here! I'm going to DIE!
Reyga: He's talking, so he must still be okay.
Jo'Bril: GAK!
Reyga: What, he's dead? Why didn't he try to warn us?

I still think GAK should be reserved for real death and ACK be used for fake deaths.

Picard: Unfortunately, you can't do an autopsy. His family wants to bury him in one piece.
Crusher: One piece? I thought Ferengi chopped up their dead and sold them in little containers!
Picard: They plan to do that after they bury him. They said it was "paydirt."

That pun hurt.

Data: Sir, someone just launched a shuttle.
Picard: Data, you don't need to say "someone". We all know it's the Doctor. Hail her.
Data: O great and healing Doctor, wisdom is your name! We extol your --
Picard: That's not what I meant, Data.
Data: My bad. Firing hailstones at the shuttle....

Jokes that would never work with anyone else have a tendency to work with Data. He really is the perfect straight man...

Crusher: Hey, Guinan. Thanks for the stabbing earlier. It really helped me out.
Guinan: Oh, no worries. I like to do it to help people out, or when they make bad puns, or when they're Q.
Crusher: Well, I bought you a whole set of forks for the future. That way the forks will be with you always.
Guinan: You obviously weren't paying attention to what I just said.

Hehe...

Memory Alpha

* Final appearance of Guinan before Generations. She really never appeared in the seventh season? That's news to me.
* The disconnect with the DS9 version of Ferengi death rites is brought up, along with the idea that it was all skipped because Reyga wasn't a great businessman.

Nitpicker's Guide

* How did Jo'Brill get out of the morgue, find his clothes, sneak to the shuttlebay, and hide himself before Crusher got there?
* Phil also brings up Beverly's unresolved legal problems.

May 17th, 1993, "Rightful Heir"

Fiver by Marc

The Episode

RIKER: Interesting night?
DATA: I found it extremely interesting. The lateral sensor arrays ran three separate spectral analyses of the Alawanir Nebula on three distinct frequencies.
RIKER: Sorry I missed it.
DATA: I will have the report sent to you, sir.

I'm having trouble with the idea that Data doesn't understand sarcasm yet. On the other hand, wouldn't the first officer have to read the report anyway?

RIKER: He's never late. Riker to Lieutenant Worf. Computer, locate Lieutenant Worf.
COMPUTER: Lieutenant Worf is in his quarters.
RIKER: Something's wrong. Mister Data, you have the Bridge. Security team, meet me on deck seven, section twenty five baker.

You'd think "Mr. Worf's quarters" would be adequate. Incidentally, Section 25 is the slice of the saucer that would be at 8:30 o'clock if you imagine Ten Forward at 12 o'clock and Shuttlebay One at 6 o'clock. Presumably "Baker" refers to a ring at a certain distance from the center.

WORF: It is difficult to explain.
PICARD: Try.

Stewart's performance of that "Try" is classic.

WORF: Ever since I returned from the Carraya system I have felt empty.
PICARD: Does this have something to do with the Klingons you rescued from Carraya Four?

I thought Worf lied about the events of "Birthright" to protect the hidden prison camp there. Y'know, because if the prisoner's existence was known to the other Klingons a lot of people would become dishonored and it could start a Klingon-Romulan war?

Granted, it stands to reason that he would tell the senior officers and Starfleet Intelligence about this, but we were never explicitly told this.

PICARD: Is that what you're doing here? Trying to recapture those feelings?
WORF: Yes. I was trying to summon a vision of Kahless.
PICARD: It's a pity you didn't try using the holodeck instead of setting fire to your quarters.
WORF: Using the holodeck would not have been appropriate. Everything had to be real if Kahless were to appear.

I'm reminded of the times that Chakotay was allowed to leave the ship to do his religious stuff. Furthermore, why wouldn't Worf ask for shore leave to do this?

PICARD: Have you lost your faith in Sto-Vo-Kor?
WORF: To lose something, one must first possess it. I am not sure I ever had a true belief.

This doesn't make sense. Worf has always followed the Klingon culture even more rigidly than other Klingons in order to feel a connection with his people. Furthermore, it was made clear that the Roshenkos encouraged his exploration of his culture. For that matter, if he wasn't sure of what he was telling the young people on Carraya Four, why would he do it in the first place?

PICARD: Boreth is only twelve days from here by shuttle.

I get that people in the future have better memories than we do, but I will never grant that it extends to this degree. Odds are Picard hasn't thought about Boreth in decades, there's no way that he would know where it is relative to the Enterprise OR can do warp travel calculations in his head.

KOROTH: You're leaving us?
WORF: It has been ten days, Koroth. I have had no visions. I have received no insight. There is nothing here for me.

You can't rush spiritual experiences. If you could guarantee contact with the divine by doing A, B, and C everyone would do that.

KOROTH: What is the Story of the Promise, Worf?
WORF: When Kahless had united our people and gave them the laws of honour, he saw that his work was done. So one night he gathered his belongings and departed for the edge of the city to say goodbye.

Actually Kahless just told the people what they wanted to know so he could get away from the fame that he'd earned by "killing" Molor. I really would rather read the novel Kahless rather than watch this episode.

WORF: Then Kahless said, 'You are Klingons. You need no one but yourselves. I will go now to Sto-Vo-Kor. But I promise one day I will return.' Then Kahless pointed to a star in the sky and said, 'Look for me there, on that point of light.'
KOROTH: So here we are, on a world circling that distant point of light.

This is patently absurd. Kahless lived in a medieval period, astronomy was in its infancy at that point. There's no chance that they would have accurate starmaps, so there's no chance that his followers could write down the precise star.

(And the novel makes it clear that this was total nonsense. Kahless was trying to get rid of these rubes so he could escape his fame.)

(a figure appears)
WORF: I see Kahless.

How does he know what Kahless looks like? Furthermore, even if there were accurate paintings available, this guy wouldn't look like it because the blood they cloned from isn't actually Kahless' (it's his brother Morag, read the novel).

KAHLESS: I have returned. You doubt me. Who here knows the story of how this sword was forged?

THIS sword? That's a random bat'leth, the Sword of Kahless is currently in some Hur'q ruins in the Gamma Quadrant.

KAHLESS: I went into the mountains, all the way to the volcano at Kri'stak. There I cut off a lock of my hair and thrust it into the river of molten rock which poured from the summit. The hair began to burn. Then I plunged it into the lake of Lusor and twisted it into this sword.

Hair combined with lava is basically lava. You can't forge a sword from it. Any iron or aluminum in lava is in very small amounts. You'd have to refine the lava quite a bit to get swordworthy material.

The real Kahless made up the design himself and had it forged for him. The lava story was a fiction designed to attach meaning to it. Kahless wasn't out to become a spiritual figure, he just wanted to raise an army to defeat Molor.

WORF: How do you know my name?
KAHLESS: We have met before. I appeared to you in a vision in the caves of No'Mat. You were just a child then. I told you that you would do something that no Klingon had ever done before.

How did the Borath clerics know this story to program it into the clone? Did they hire a telepath to steal this memory to get Worf on their side?

CRUSHER: It's going to be very difficult to eliminate any possibilities at this point. He may be a coalescent being taking Klingon form, or a bioreplicant or even a Klingon who has been surgically altered to look like Kahless.

A coalescent? I'd hope after "Aquiel" they can detect such a facade.
Only mention of bioreplicants, one presumes there's a difference between a clone and a bioreplicant. Maybe a bioreplicant is the result of modifying the DNA of Person A to make a clone that looks like Person B.

DATA: Lieutenant? May I ask a question? In the absence of empirical data, how will you determine whether or not this is the real Kahless?
WORF: It is not an empirical matter. It is a matter of faith.
DATA: Faith? Then you do believe Kahless may have supernatural attributes? As an android, I am unable to accept that which cannot be proven through rational means. I would appreciate hearing your insights on this matter.

As I've mentioned in another post, in the novel "Guises of the Mind" Data asks many members of the crew about their feelings on religion. Worf is one of them. As he considers this a private matter, Worf refuses at first, then decides to talk with Data as he is a comrade in arms, almost a brother.

GOWRON: Where is he, Picard?
PICARD: I assume that you're referring to Kahless.
GOWRON: I am referring to the filthy pahtk who is using his name.

Pahtk? I get that Chakoteya has to transcribe Klingon from time to time, but the spelling "P'takh" (or "petaQ" in simplified English) certainly existed at this point.

GOWRON: What kind of medical analysis have you made? Do you have any theories about his true origin?
PICARD: We haven't done any analysis.
GOWRON: What kind of fools do you have working for you, Picard? The imposter's been aboard for nearly a day.
PICARD: If you wanted to run tests on Kahless, you should have sent a Klingon ship for him.

No, you should've asked him to do a medical analysis earlier. That's what subspace is for!

GOWRON: Kahless has been dead for a thousand years, but the idea of Kahless is still alive. Have you ever fought an idea, Picard? It has no weapon to destroy, no body to kill. The idea of Kahless' return must be stopped here, now, or it will travel through the Empire like a wave and leave nothing but destruction behind.

I wish Gowron was written like this in DS9. That's one place where the DS0 writers really dropped the ball.

PICARD: He has brought a knife with him, a knife is was supposed to be stained with the blood of Kahless.
TORIN: Gowron has brought the Knife of Kirom? No one is permitted to remove it from the sacred vault.

It ain't Kahless' blood! Kahless even tried to tell people that it was Morath's but the people wanted to believe that it was his.

CRUSHER: There, that should do it. Computer, run a genetic comparison on this blood sample and the tissue belonging to Kahless.
COMPUTER: The genetic patterns are identical.

I'm pretty sure they've mentioned single-bit errors in cloned material before.

WORF: I am sorry. Our replicators do not do justice to Klingon Warnog.

The only other mention of warnog in canon is in "Sons and Daughters", but I remember when Phil Farrand used it in the Nitpicker's Guide. A few novels mentioned it.

WORF: Kahless, may I ask you about death and Sto-Vo-Kor? Tell me, what awaits us beyond this life.
KAHLESS: I do not have those answers. I am merely a traveller, someone who has journeyed back and forth between this world and the next. While I am in this form, I know only about this world.

This is a good explanation. SF Debris even brought this up as a possible explanation for why Neelix didn't experience the afterlife in "Mortal Coil." It wasn't his physical brain that had those experiences, so he wouldn't remember them.

GOWRON: Don't you see? This is exactly why they want you to join them. Because your brother sits on the Council and your voice carries weight in the Empire. They want you to influence others to follow them.

And yet in three years Gowron will steal Worf's honor without backlash. Is Gowron really trying to butter up Worf here?

KAHLESS: Long ago, a storm was heading toward the city of Quin'lat. The people sought protection within the walls. All except one man who remained outside. I went to him and asked what he was doing. I am not afraid, he said. I will not hide my face behind stone and mortar. I will stand before the wind and make it respect me. I honoured his choice and went inside. The next day, the storm came and the man was killed. The wind does not respect a fool. Do not stand before the wind, Gowron.
GOWRON: What was his name?
KAHLESS: What?
GOWRON: If you were really there, you should be able to tell us the name of the man outside the walls. Describe him to us. What was he wearing? How tall was he? What colour were his eyes?

A good way to poke holes in Kahless' implanted memories.

TORIN: We found a way to imprint specific information in your neurosynaptic patterns. We gave you memories, and not just any memories. We gave you the experiences of Kahless as written in the sacred texts.

You'd think they'd hire a telepath to tie these memories together better.

KOROTH: It is not a lie. Genetically, he is Kahless, and he is needed by our people. You know better than anyone the corruption and dishonour that has destroyed the Empire. They need him.
WORF: They do not need a false god.
KOROTH: How do you know that this is not the way the prophesy was to be fulfilled? Who is to say that what we did was wrong?
WORF: I am. I will not let this fraud continue.

The most honorable man ever exiled from the Empire, ladies and gentlemen.

DATA: I am curious. Do you still think the real Kahless will return someday? Or has this experience only deepened the spiritual crisis which originally sent you to Boreth?
WORF: I do not know.
DATA: I understand your dilemma. I once had what could be considered a crisis of the spirit.
WORF: You?
DATA: Yes. The Starfleet officers who first activated me on Omicron Theta told me I was an android, nothing more than a sophisticated machine with human form. However I realised that if I were simply a machine, I could never be anything else. I could never grow beyond my programming. I found that difficult to accept, so I chose to believe that I was a person, that I had the potential to be more than a collection of circuits and subprocessors. It is a belief which I still hold.
WORF: How did you come to your decision?
DATA: I made a leap of faith.

It's a nice story, but I'm not sure that this is the right time for it.

WORF: You were right about one thing, Koroth. Our people are becoming decadent and corrupt. They need moral leadership. Kahless can be that leader, as Emperor.
GOWRON: There hasn't been an Emperor in three centuries!
WORF: The political power will remain with the High Council. Kahless would be a figurehead, but he will have the ability to rally the people, to lead by example, to guide them in spiritual matters.

I'll bet you anything nobody else would've thought of this plan. Once again Worf saves the Empire. If he isn't in the top five Trek characters who did the most to alter galactic history, I'd be very shocked.

The Fiver

Riker: Why isn't Mr. Worf on duty yet?
Data: Unknown. Perhaps he has become addicted to the Holodeck and is running some of Mr. Barclay's old programs.
Riker: Worf pretending to be Cyrano de Bergerac? This I've got to see.

Did Dorn ever play Cyrano?

Worf: A-koo-chee-moya....

I don't know if I like the reuse of Chakotay's line in this context.

Riker: Worf, why are you chanting in the middle of all these candles?
Worf: I am attempting to call up a vision of Kahless.
Riker: You should be on the Bridge at your post, mister.
Worf: But I am making progress, sir. At first, I could only get a busy signal. Now, I believe that I have been put on hold.

Wow, is that a blast from the past.

Worf: A true Klingon warrior does not retreat!
Picard: I meant to a Klingon monastery where you could subject yourself to deprivation, blood, pain, sacrifice, anguish and death.

"Sounds like marriage alright." Let me toss up a link to The Worf Song.

Worf: Very well. Ahem. "When Kahless was about to depart for Sto-Vo-Kor, he pointed to a star and said to his people, 'Look for me there.' And the people dried their tears and asked, 'In the Kamino system, Master?' And Kahless answered, 'No, a little further to the left.' And there was much rejoicing."

The fiver is from 2003, Attack of the Clones is 2002. I feel old again.

Gowron: I will not let myself be ousted so that a swaggering, tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood can lead the Empire!

You forgot the "overbearing", Marc.

Gowron: It is said that the last Emperor quit because of inadequate retirement benefits.
Kahless: Could the pension plan be indexed to cover three centuries of inflation?
Gowron: You drive a hard bargain, Your Majesty.

People don't make accountancy jokes often enough.

Worf: Dr. Selar has suggested that I visit the rebuilt monastery on P'Jem and try to invoke a vision of Surak.
Kahless: Who?
Worf: The father of Vulcan civilization.
Kahless: If you happen to run into his clone, tell him I hope we can meet someday. I am sure we would get along like brothers.

I assume that this joke refers to other roles of the actors, but I don't get it.

Memory Alpha

* Apparently a present-day Emperor was mentioned in "Sins of the Father". Oops.
* Final TNG appearance of Gowron. He won't appear again until "House of Quark".

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil also pointed out the problem with Worf's story of seeing Kahless as a child.
* Kahless has been dead for a thousand years, but the clerics of Borath have been waiting for his return for 1,500 years. Oops.

May 24th, 1993, "Second Chances"

I need to get this out of the way up front: They severely mishandled Tom Riker. I'll save the Maquis stuff for "Defiant", but I will say that they should've had a few episodes with Tom present and not Will. Decompress Troi's emotional turmoil (and ditch the Worf relationship entirely, duh). Maybe they temporarily transfer Will to another ship. Probably have him cameo on DS9 for a two-parter (that would certainly help with DS9's ratings!), a short-term mission possibly including the Klingons or Romulans. While he's gone Tom stays on as helmsman of the E-D trying to catch up on the last eight years. The relationship with Troi would have a better arc, where Deanna realizes that she's grown beyond the romanticism of her initial relationship with Riker (as told in the novel Imzadi) and really loves Will for who he is now. Love means more than physical attraction or shared danger. Furthermore Tom realizes that the Command track isn't what he thought it was. He wants to transfer to Security or Conn. He transfers away and does occasional cameos on DS9. Totally toss Eddington and have Tom build up to his Maquis membership, only do it for the right reason this time. In "Defiant" Tom's motivation seems to be "do something completely different than Tom" and nothing else. There should be more meaning to it than that. When the Dominion destroys the Maquis he can have one last episode where he chooses to go to prison and then rebuild his Starfleet career offscreen. Toss in a cameo at Will's wedding and some guest appearances on Lower Decks and we're good.

The Episode

(it's jazz night, and the quartet are in full swing, with Riker on 'bone playing 'Tell them I remember you')

It's actually called "I Remember You". [URL="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epWCk2mvq0g&t" Here's Tony Bennet's version[/URL]. Or maybe you prefer [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-HmciMDxt8 Nat King Cole]].

TROI: Night Bird.
(Troi is given a Look)
RIKER: Any request?
TROI: Night Bird!
RIKER: Ladies and gentlemen, Night Bird. One, two.
CRUSHER: What was that all about?
TROI: Will's been trying to get this piece right for ten years now. He's never made it through the solo.

This is a fictional song, and of course it made a cameo in Lower Decks. Personally, I think Troi's efforts to publicly humiliate Will is a little cruel. Funny, of course, but still cruel.

RIKER: Is the planet's distortion field re-phasing sooner than we predicted?
DATA: No, sir. Using the Potemkin's transport logs from the original evacuation, Commander La Forge and I were able to modify the transporters.

It would've been nice if Geordi mentioned that Scotty gave him some pointers on modifying the transporter in unusual situations.

DATA: The transporters are considerably more efficient than those used on the Potemkin eight years ago.

I don't think "efficient" is quite the word to use here. "Advanced" or "adaptable" would be better.

DATA: Commander, someone is approaching. A humanoid. Forty metres due east and closing.

"Humanoid"? There's no reason not to specify "human" here unless they're going to have to look around a bit for Tom.

PICARD: Jean-Luc Picard.
RIKER 2: Lieutenant Will Riker.

The Battle of Maxia was in 2355. The prior Nervala III mission was 2361. I'd think that both Rikers would've heard about Picard's court-martial and therefore have at least heard of Picard. I'll forgive Will not mentioning it back in "Encounter at Farpoint", he wanted to be professional. Tom would have no such motive for not mentioning having heard of Picard.

LAFORGE: Apparently there was a massive energy surge in the distortion field around the planet just at the moment you tried to beam out. The Transporter Chief tried to compensate by initiating a second containment beam.
DATA: An interesting approach. He must have been planning to reintegrate the two patterns in the transport buffer.

The containment beam holds the actual matter, it's a big part of the "it's the same atoms, so it's the same person!" argument for the transporter. You can't split the atoms into two halves then build a person from just one half. Data mentions "two patterns", so the transporter chief scanned Will twice intending to use the patterns as error checks for each other. But then where did the matter for Tom's reintegration come from? Drop a technobabble line about the storm entangling with the transporter beam to provide the matter!

I apologize for making your brains leak out of your ears.

(The Lieutenant is in a fresh gold uniform).

I think I've already mentioned this, but this whole "different color uniform to make it easier for the audience to tell the difference" thing always seemed stupid to me. A different beard and haircut would be enough to tell the difference. Plus, y'know, Frakes is giving a very different performance.

Or maybe put Tom in a DS9 uniform that has the red in a different location.

RIKER 2: Come in.
TROI: Hello, Will.
(He sweeps her off her feet, literally, and kisses her)

Tom has been obsessed with reliving his relationship with Deanna for eight years, you'd think he'd remember the "feeling" of her telepathic aura and be able to sense her coming.

TROI: We need to talk.
RIKER 2: You're on board because of him.
TROI: No. Commander Riker and I are friends. Close friends, but nothing more.

Technically this is two different issues. Troi took this job because it was the right move for her career. At first she saw Will's presence as a complication much like Picard saw Beverly.

TROI: Do you remember the last time we saw each other?
RIKER 2: Like yesterday. The Janaran Falls on Betazed.
TROI: It was the day before you started your tour on the Potemkin.
RIKER 2: And we were going to meet on Risa, six weeks later.
TROI: We never did.

The Imzadi version of these events are quite different. There was no final farewell at Janaran Falls. Lwaxana yelled at Riker for sleeping with Deanna when he had no intention of a serious relationship (his career was too important and his stay on Betazed was always temporary). Deanna was still going to stay with Will, leaving with him if necessary. Too bad Will got drunk and slept with Deanna's friend Wendy, driving Deanna away.

Which is better? Probably neither. I just can't see Will as ever considering throwing away his career for Deanna at that age. It was probably a mutual breakup with no idea of seeing each other again anytime soon.

TROI: No, what I mean is, Commander Riker and I never did. You see, he earned a promotion very quickly.
RIKER 2: I know that too. 'For exceptional valour during the evacuation of the research station on Nervala Four'.

I fail to see the connection. Does being promoted mean you can't take leave for awhile? That makes no sense.

TROI: He chose to make his career a priority. There wasn't much time for anything else.

It does make you wonder why he was on Betazed for that long to begin with. The novel makes it clear that the Betazed mission was just to keep Riker occupied while the Potemkin was undergoing refit.

RIKER 2: Deanna. I know it's been a long time since we've been together, and I know your feelings have changed. Mine haven't. I can't just give up. I'd like to be with you again.

This is an interesting question. Is the ship's counsellor allowed to have a relationship with a fellow officer? That sounds like a conflict of interest nightmare.

RIKER: You know, I've been thinking we should probably let Dad know what happened.
RIKER 2: I'm sure he'll be thrilled to know there are two of us now.
RIKER: Actually, he and I have been able to patch a few things up.
RIKER 2: I've been able to get by for a long time without seeing him. I'm not about to start now.

In the comics Kyle will visit the ship again in a couple years. One really does wonder how he'd react to having two sons. Kyle will die in a novel ten years from now.

RIKER: I didn't. He came on board the Enterprise to brief me when I was offered the Aries.
RIKER 2: What did he say when you turned down your own command?
RIKER: He couldn't understand why I did it.
RIKER 2: For once he and I agree on something.

I'm still curious on why he did it. Cue Riker's speech in Best of Both Worlds:

RIKER: What am I still doing here? Deanna, I pushed myself hard to get this far. I sacrificed a lot. I always said I wanted my own command, and yet something's holding me back. Is it wrong for me to want to stay?
TROI: What do you think?
RIKER: Maybe I'm just afraid of the big chair.
TROI: I don't think so.
...
RIKER: Maybe that's the problem. I'm too comfortable here.
TROI: I'm not sure I know what that means. You're happy here. Happier than I've ever known you to be. So, it comes down to a simple question. What do you want, Will Riker?

I don't think that he's afraid of command. I think I prefer the "too comfortable" argument. Plus Picard's opinion that Riker likes the "celebrity" that comes with the Enterprise gig.

(there's another note, tied with a pink flower and bow)
TROI: (reading) It pulses unendingly all through the night. Seek out the crystal that powers our flight.

A get the poetry, but dilithium does not "power" the flight, the matter/antimatter reaction does.

TROI: So, how does it feel being with people again?
RIKER 2: Great. Strange. For a long time I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. It's been hard taking orders again.
TROI: I can imagine.

If this was supposed to be extrapolated into his Maquis career, I call shenanigans. One reason why the Maquis failed is that they didn't have the proper centralized command structure to do big things. To get anything done people will have to obey orders that they don't like.

RIKER 2: Remember, I'm the one who wanted to make Captain by the time I was thirty five.

So he turned down the Aries...why? Furthermore, this seems rather myopic. If your sense of self-worth is dependent on attaining a position of power ASAP, you've got bigger problems.

RIKER 2: Sometimes I would look up into the sky and I'd think, if I tried hard enough, I could make you feel my presence. That if I could let you know that I was alive, maybe you'd wait for me. I know it sounds crazy, but there were times when I could've sworn. What am I talking about?

The telepathic range of people in Trek seems to be rather set. You just can't concentrate extra hard to extend it.

In the novel "Guises of the Mind" Deanna was a prisoner along with an untrained telepath. She was able to take control of the telepath's ability to extend the range of her telepathic distress signal. Seriously, the early TNG novels were really good.

PICARD: Lieutenant Riker has been to see me to talk about the away mission. He believes that the only way to retrieve the database is by directly accessing the main core underneath the station.
RIKER: The seismic activity makes those caverns very unstable. In my opinion, it's too risky.
PICARD: He said that he was down there recently. He seemed confident that it could be done safely.
RIKER: There's a good chance we will be able to retrieve the database from one of the consoles inside the station.
PICARD: But if it doesn't work, we won't have another chance for eight years.
RIKER: Lieutenant Riker's plan is more dangerous, but it does have a better chance of succeeding.
PICARD: Given the importance of the data, I think that it's worth the risk.

This is a pointless rehash of the Riker/Shelby rivalry in "The Best of Both Worlds." Furthermore, the seismic instability is rather pointless except for artificial drama at the end. This screentime should've been devoted to more important things.

RIKER: I just met with the Captain about your mission recommendation. I would appreciate it if next time you came to me first.
RIKER 2: I tried talking to you yesterday on the station. You wouldn't hear me out.
RIKER: I heard you, Lieutenant. I rejected your plan.
RIKER 2: May I ask what the Captain decided?
RIKER: The Captain has decided to go with your recommendation, but that's not the point.

Another rehash of BOBW. Ugh.

TROI: It's really hard for me to separate my feelings for them.

It is? Will loves what you are NOW, Tom loves what you were THEN. Will loves real things about you, Tom loves the idealized version of you that he's created in his head. Furthermore, if Deanna wanted to be with Will that much she could've resigned her commission and stayed on as a civilian specialist.

(and now she has him on the floor, lips connect in a prelude to horizontal jogging)

Ick, Chakoteya. Ick.

RIKER: Do me a favour. Be careful.
TROI: Will, I know you and he have had some problems.
RIKER: That's not what I'm talking about. If he had gotten off the planet instead of me, don't you think he would have made the same choices that I made? I just don't want you to be hurt again.

On the surface this is a fair question, but the butterfly effect does still apply. We make major life decisions based on the most frivolous reasons sometimes.

RIKER: Why don't we get this over with? I'll call your three, and I'll raise you anything you've got left. Well?
RIKER 2: Take it. You always had the better hand, in everything.

Better hand? Another short-sighted decision. They are IDENTICAL. I see no reason why Tom wouldn't have the exact same career that Will did. At the time they were separated they had the same feelings for Deanna and their careers. They would've ended up as a "Will" and a "Tom" regardless of whether Riker Pattern A or Riker Pattern B was rescued.

RIKER 2: Captain Picard made has some inquiries. He managed to get me a posting on the Gandhi. And considering how long I've been out of commission, it's an amazing opportunity.

I get wanting to honor the man, but I doubt he would be in favor of a warship being named after him.

Furthermore, I'd think Tom would need to return to the Academy to catch up on the last eight years. Not just the technology, but the entire geopolitical status of the quadrant! When he was stranded the Federation was at war with the Cardassians, the Romulans were still in isolation, nobody had ever heard of Q or the Borg, etc.

RIKER 2: Deanna. After I've served for six months, I'm eligible to bring family aboard. If we got married--

What? Where did that tradition come from? Either a ship is family-compatible or it's not. And the Gandhi is Ambassador-class, so I doubt that it is. Furthermore, we're not talking about kids yet, we're talking about a married pair of Starfleet officers. Is there a counselling position open on the Gandhi or not?

TROI: You said those exact words to me before you went to serve on the Potemkin.

Really? The Potemkin is Excelsior-class. I don't think those are rated for families. Furthermore, at that earlier time Riker would've been so focused on his career that a long-term stay on any ship would've been out of the question, so families would not have been on his mind.

TROI: It's not just that. I've worked hard to make a life for myself on the Enterprise. I'm happy here.
RIKER 2: If the situation were different, I'd stay. But I can't. Not while he's aboard.
TROI: I know.

This is an interesting situation. If Tom stayed on as helmsman, he'd be in continual contact with Will. But if he transferred to Security there would be less risk of that. He wouldn't have a conflict with Worf, and Worf is honorable enough to not let his feelings for Will interfere with a working relationship with Tom.

DATA: Lieutenant, I am curious about something. If you met a double of yourself, would you have difficulty interacting with him?
WORF: I think so.
DATA: Why?
WORF: I am not easy to get along with.

Oh, do I get that. I would find a duplicate of myself insufferable.

Conclusion: What was resolved here? At no point do they talk to each other about their feelings and sort out what they're going to do. The episode is just drama until it...stops. That's bad writing.

The Fiver

Riker: Who are you?
Lt. Riker: (mockingly) I know you are, but what am I?

That joke is exceedingly juvenile and I never liked it.

Lt. Riker: That's easily fixed. One stroke of the razor and I'll once again be as smooth as an android's bottom.
Picard: Okay, that was one image I did NOT need replayed in my mind.

That was a good bit in Insurrection, even if I don't like how Frakes looks without a beard.

Lt. Riker: Sorry I'm late, I'm still getting used to the time zone difference.
Data: You realize, Lieutenant, that all Federation outposts have synchronized chronometers and that the time on the planet is the same as that on the Enterprise.

Wait...what? Do all outposts use the same time, or does the ship synchronize with whatever city they're hovering over? Those are mutually exclusive things!

Troi: Ooh, Will left me another note on the warp core.
La Forge: Aaaaaagh! He taped it on! I spent hours polishing that!

Putting aside the fact that by the 24th century there have to be adhesives that won't leave a residue, why would Geordi need to polish the warp core? That's what the drones hidden in the consoles are for!

Riker: Here, I'd like you to have my trombone.
Lt. Riker: Great! I haven't played one of these for years! Well, I'm out of here. Take care of her, Will.
Troi: Aww, I want you to play me "Nightbird!"
Lt. Riker: I take that back. Cause her great, great pain.

Hehe. It's a shame that a subplot involving Tom replicating a trombone and perfecting "Nightbird" during his exile wasn't included. He could've even written a song in Deanna's honor!

Memory Alpha

* There seems to be confusion among the creators about what job Tom would've taken. Helmsman makes sense, security officer makes sense, but Jeri Taylor thinking Operations does not.
* First episode directed by Burton.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil brings up Riker's feelings about clones from "Up the Long Ladder". Whether this is applicable to Tom is complicated. Or maybe Will has just matured since the second season. Or maybe "Up the Long Ladder" has been reduced to pseudo-canon along with most of the first two seasons.
* If Will was promoted for his actions during the mission, why wasn't Tom?
* Phil also brings up the bad idea of sending Tom to another assignment, but he specifically mentions counselling. I forgot about that.
* Phil suggests combining the transporter tech from this episode, "Relics", and "Lonely Among Us" to create disposable duplicates of crew members for dangerous away missions. If the crew member returns you can dispose of the double in transporter suspension, if they don't you can rematerialize the double. Truly a philosophical headache that I'm glad the creators didn't think of.
* Phil forgot the name "Night Bird". He was embarrassed to have to be educated on this point by Max Grodenchik.

June 14th, 1993, "Timescape"

CRUSHER: I give up. What was it?
RIKER: I was trying to feed Spot.
CRUSHER: Data's cat?

Is there more than one Spot on board?

(Data joins the others for a meal. The runabout is huge, there is even a corridor between the cockpit and this area)

I find it odd that they'd use the larger budget of TNG to make a rear runabout set, only to never use it again on DS9. If I was the creators, I'd be exploiting the larger TNG budget to make things on DS9 all the time!

TROI: I was just leaving the reception when this Ktarian walks up to me and says, (slightly Irish) hello, Diane. I understand you're an empath. I'm a very sensitive man myself. I'm doing a thesis on interspecies mating rituals. Would you care to join me in some empirical research?

This is a great scene, but instead of copying all the dialogue I'll just link to a YouTube video.

PICARD: There was no opportunity. There was no pause. (mock Teutonic) He just kept talking in one long, incredibly unbroken sentence, moving from topic to topic so that no one had a chance to interrupt. It was really quite hypnotic.

Has enough time passed that I can provide a link to the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5m-x8nrwqx0 Picard Song]] again?

LAFORGE: The starboard antimatter pod is completely drained. The fuel reserves are empty.
PICARD: Is there a fuel containment leak?
LAFORGE: No, sir. The containment field is intact. all engine systems are operational. The fuel is just gone.
DATA: Geordi, I believe I have an explanation. According to the plasma conversion sensor, the starboard engine has been in continuous operation for forty seven days.

Okay, I'll buy that the strut on each side has a separate warp engine and antimatter pod. What I don't buy is the runabout still being intact if only one half of the ship has a functional warp coil. That sounds like cause for a spinout followed by an explosion.

(Picard goes to the console, then smells something. The fruit in the bowl has become moldy. He reaches towards it and shouts in pain. His fingernails have grown a good half inch. The others rush in.)

Yeah, this is impossible. If his hand intersects with a bubble of space where time is passing at a different rate, that would result in an amputation at the edge of the bubble. Or rather, his fingertips disintegrating upon crossing the boundary.

TROI: The cells are metabolising at an incredible speed. Almost fifty times normal.

How? The energy available for fingernail growth is limited to what's in the blood contained in his hand. The fingernails wouldn't be superlong, he'd have a dead lump of flesh where his hand used to be!

DATA: Captain, I am detecting a temporal disturbance intersecting the table. It appears that within the disturbance, time is moving at an accelerated rate, approximately fifty times faster than normal.

Like SF Debris said, that's WAY too slow for the fingernail growth that we've seen (if you ignore the problems in the prior paragraphs, that is).

PICARD: Scan for life signs.
DATA: Sensors cannot penetrate the subspace field. I am unable to scan within the vessels.

What subspace field? You mean the temporal bubble? You wouldn't be able to scan ANYTHING inside radius (or see anything either, for that matter).

DATA: That would be inadvisable, sir. In each of the three instances we came into contact with one of the temporal fragments, we were integrated into its time frame.
LAFORGE: If we beamed aboard the Enterprise, we'd be frozen in time just like they are.

No, the transporter beam wouldn't be able to penetrate the boundary of the temporal bubble! They shouldn't be able to even SEE the ships!

PICARD: Well, we have to find some way of staying unfrozen. Mister La Forge, what about a subspace forcefield like the one we used on Devidia Two?

SF Debris liked the continuity drop, but I'm not sure how similar the two phenomena would be.

LAFORGE: Possibly. We'd need an awfully sensitive phase discriminator in order to moderate that kind of field.
DATA: The emergency transporter armbands contain a type seven phase discriminator.

Are you seriously telling me that in less than a year the phase discriminators in ordinary equipment is better than it was in DATA?

LAFORGE: Yeah. Yeah, that would certainly isolate us from the effects of the other time frame. But if we wanted to interact with that environment, we'd have to restrict the field. It would have to be practically skintight.

"Practically" skintight? Try BETTER than skintight!

LAFORGE: We've channelled all communications through the subspace relays in the armbands. That way we'll be able to be in continual communication.

Because the sound waves of their speech wouldn't penetrate the field anyway.

(Geordi switches on the armbands and Troi falls into Data's arms)
DATA: Counsellor?
TROI: I got a little dizzy for a second.
LAFORGE: We've created an artificial pocket of time around you, so it's probably playing tricks with your equilibrium.

No, it cut Deanna off from the telepathic "white noise" that she's used to experiencing. Why would a time-warping effect affect her sense of space?

DATA: Captain, the equipment is no longer functioning. However, the information currently displayed indicates that there was a massive power surge in Engineering.

I'm not sure if "frozen in time" is the same as "nonfunctional."

(Picard checks the tactical station. Worf is not on duty)

Stewart forgot that the equipment wouldn't respond. I wonder why they didn't reshoot the scene.

DATA: Captain, I believe I have found the cause of the power surge. There is a warp core breach in progress.
(there's a puff of smoke/steam coming out of the warp core)
DATA: It is the flashpoint of a warp core explosion.

What's smoke doing in a warp core explosion? Matter/antimatter explosions don't really burn in the traditional sense.

PICARD: Counsellor, you spent several days on a Romulan vessel. You probably know more about the layouts than anyone here.

It seems odd that Troi wouldn't write down everything she learned about Romulan layout.

The amount of continuity in this episode is staggering. It really shows how the show evolved past what Gene wanted it to be.

DATA: Geordi, the engine core is completely inactive.
TROI: That's impossible. The Romulans use an artificial quantum singularity as their power source. Once it's activated, it can't be shut down.

Actually, it stands to reason that a properly calibrated subspace field could "smother" the singularity given enough time.

DATA: I am not certain. They exhibit a complex bioelectric patterns. Very possibly organic.
LAFORGE: Organic?

Trek uses "organic" as a synonym for "life" far too often. It's not that simple, especially when you remember in chemistry the word means carbon compounds and we've seen plenty of non-organic life forms.

TROI: There isn't time. He's dying.
(she takes Geordi's armband off)
TROI: At least this way, he'll be alive in the other time frame. We might have a chance to save him later.

Deanna's really come a long way since the pilot, hasn't she?

ALIEN: We must use a natural gravity well to incubate our young. We thought the Romulan core would suffice. It did not.

Oh, the screed of Treknobabble I could come up with about the difference between a black hole and a quantum singularity if I wanted to.

PICARD: Is it possible to lock onto the core itself, beam it into space?
DATA: No, sir. We would have to surround the core with a subspace isolation field. It is not possible to generate a field of that magnitude from the runabout.

Actually this wouldn't work. Even if you could surround the core with a subspace isolation field there'd be a split-second during which the core would experience normal time, enough time to explode.

DATA: The alien who attacked me has vanished, sir.
PICARD [OC]: The warbird has vanished as well.
DATA: Judging from the residual temporal fluctuations, I believe they have returned to their own time continuum.

What? What does spatial location have to do with temporal location?

The Fiver

Data: "Used to?" Ah! As in "accustomed...inured...desensitized...mmm-mmm-mphh!"
Picard: Thank you, Mr. La Forge.
La Forge: No handyman should ever be without duct tape.

As a Minnesotan I've been in the Church of Duct Tape since childhood. Duct tape jokes will never not be funny to me.

Troi: (finishing a joke) "...but the Ferengi in the gorilla suit has to go!"
(Picard, Data and La Forge remain completely motionless)
Troi: Uh, guys...do I need to explain the punchline or what?

Now there's a subtle Generations joke. Although it does occur to me that the Farpoint mission was too early for Ferengi jokes to make sense.

La Forge: No. There must be a temporal anomaly affecting us.
Picard: Oh, good Lord, I hope I don't get turned into a kid again....

"Rascals" didn't have a temporal anomaly.

Picard: Ha-ha-ha! Look: Mr. Warp Core Breach!
Data: Perhaps I should try that with a tricorder someday.

That was a fun scene in Generations.

Memory Alpha

* Brannon Braga wanted to out-do his work on "Cause and Effect."
* Troi takes the opportunity to do some plexing, like she taught Barclay back in "Realm of Fear."

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil questions how this combination of senior officers would be allowed to be off the ship at the same time.

June 21st, 1993, "Descent Part One"

I can finally catch up on DS9 S1 after this...

Fiver by Zeke

The Episode

HAWKING: But then I said, in that frame of reference, the perihelion of Mercury would have precessed in the opposite direction.
EINSTEIN: (laughing) That is a great story!
DATA: Quite amusing, Doctor Hawking.

First, let's have a YouTube link. Secondly, here's some vocab:

Perihelion-the point in a planet's orbit when it is closest to the sun. For Earth this happens in early January after the solstice.
Precession-the change in orientation of the axis of rotation of an object. Imagine how a top wanders back and forth between "leaning" toward one direction and the other. For Earth it takes 26,000 years to complete one cycle. In astronomy the term is more specific, the apparent difference in direction of a star or planet in the sky caused by the precession of the planet you're on.

The joke is actually more subtle than general technobabble. Newton derived the first laws of planetary motion purely in terms of gravity. Einstein built upon the work specifically in terms of Mercury by using the laws of relativity to show how there's a component of precession that's explained by the warping of spacetime caused by planetary gravity wells. You can read the scientific paper yourself here.

By the way, the precession of the perihelion of Mercury's orbit is a hundredth of a degree per century. It really only matters to hardcore astronomers.

Don't ask me where this ties into Hawking's work, I have no idea.

HAWKING: Not the apple story again.
DATA: That story is generally considered to be apocryphal.
NEWTON: What? How dare you!

The apple story was invented by Newton biographer William Stukeley. Consider it on the same level of history as Washington's apple tree.

EINSTEIN: Perhaps we should return to the game. Let's see, where were we? Yes, you raised Mister Data four, which means that the bet is, er, seven to me?
NEWTON: The bet is ten! Can't you do simple arithmetic?

The "Einstein was bad at math" thing was also a myth. At best it took him a little longer to learn how to read and talk, but even that is possibly apocryphal. When confronted with this rumor Einstein refuted it.

EINSTEIN: The uncertainty principle will not help you now, Stephen. All the quantum fluctuations in the universe will not change the cards in your hand.

I was surprised to learn that the uncertainty principle covers more than just position and velocity. Another example is the "waveness" and "particleness" of a phenomenon that exhibits characteristics of both waves and particles.
The Heisenberg Compensator exists to avoid this problem.

DATA: Could you describe feeling angry without referring to other feelings?

I'm not sure you can describe any emotion without referring to other emotions.

NECHAYEV: There will be fifteen starships in this sector by the day after tomorrow. The Gorkon will be my flagship.

The Gorkon is an Excelsior-class? Why wouldn't the Enterprise be the flagship of the fleet for this mission?

This is the first Starfleet ship named after an alien.

NECHAYEV: You'll take command of task force three, consisting of the Enterprise, the Crazy Horse and the Agamemnon.

The Crazy Horse is also an Excelsior-class. Being a Midwesterner I'm most aware of the guy in relation to the controversy of the monument being built in his honor near Mount Rushmore. You can read the Wikipedia article if you want. Personally my biggest problem is that it won't even look like Crazy Horse as there aren't any photos or paintings of him from the time.

For that matter, he wouldn't want to be the namesake of a warship any more than Gandhi would've. He would've been on the Maquis' side.

PICARD: When Hugh was separated from the Borg collective he began to grow and to evolve into something other than an automaton. He became a person. When that happened, I felt I had no choice but to respect his rights as an individual.
NECHAYEV: Of course you had a choice. You could've taken the opportunity to rid the Federation of a mortal enemy, one that has killed tens of thousands of innocent people, and which may kill even more.

Nechayev makes many appearances in the novels after this, but I don't think she ever directly interacted with Section 31. She would certainly be someone they would keep an eye on.

DATA: Anger is a negative emotion. I wanted to concentrate on something more positive.
TROI: Data, feelings aren't positive and negative, they simply exist. It's what we do with those feelings that becomes good or bad. For example, feeling angry about an injustice could lead someone to take a positive action to correct it.

Oh boy, is this not a simple issue. I don't care to write a screed about this one, I'll just say that Deanna is being overly simplistic again.

LAFORGE: It's crazy. There's got to be another way. Can't you think of something other way to make yourself angry.
DATA: I have tried other stimuli, but they have been unsuccessful. I understand your objections, but it is my life and I have a right to risk it if I choose.

This is a dangerous and very slippery slope. The moral implications are numerous, so I'll skip them. I will say that Data asking to turn off the safeties in this case is not the same as Worf doing so. What is the hologram going to do, rip off Data's arms? Arms that can easily be repaired?

DATA: We are being pulled inside.
(and Enterprise disappears into a Whovian/Stargate style wormhole effect)

Tardis wormholes and Stargate wormholes aren't really that similar.

RIKER: This is another change in the Borg behaviour. They left their dead instead of vapourising them.

That's another screed that I'll skip.

CROSIS: If it meant that you could feel emotions again the way you did on Ohniaka Three, would you kill your friend? Would you kill Geordi?
DATA: Yes. I would.

Clearly this is manipulation, but I wonder why Data doesn't find it odd later once he's out of range.

LAFORGE: Our current theory is that the Borg have established several transwarp conduits through subspace. A ship, when entering the conduit, is immediately accelerated to an extremely high warp velocity. It's like falling into a fast moving river and being swept away by the current.
PICARD: How fast would a ship travel through one of these conduits?
LAFORGE: We don't know. Normal subspace limitations don't apply to transwarp variables. But I'd say based on the distance we covered during our trip through the conduit, the speed would have to be at least twenty times faster than our maximum warp.

Just twenty times maximum warp? Seems rather slow. Voyager traversed half the galaxy in a transwarp conduit in a matter of hours.

LAFORGE: The Borg ship emitted some kind of high energy tachyon pulse just before we saw the subspace distortion. It seems as though the conduits are keyed to respond to tachyon transmissions of a specific frequency.

How? What's responding to the transmission? These things aren't Babylon 5 jumpgates, ya know!

PICARD: Assuming that they're still together, how far could they have travelled in three hours?
LAFORGE: Well, Data can move pretty fast even over rough terrain, but based on what we know about the Borg, I don't think they should be able to move any faster than you or I.

I have trouble believing that Data would be that fast on rough terrain. By all means he could move pretty fast on level ground, but rapid changes in gait and trajectory would slow him down quick.

PICARD: If the Borg should attack, don't wait for me or anyone else to return to the ship but take the Enterprise to the transwarp conduit. Return to Federation space.
CRUSHER: Got it. Good luck, Jean-Luc.
PICARD: Good luck, Captain.

Come to think of it, she should've been in command of the saucer section back where they started this trip. And Picard should've commanded the stardrive section, not searching down here.

The Fiver

Data: Computer, end program.
(All but Hawking vanish)
Data: Curious. You are still intact.
Hawking: That's what... my doctors... say.

Well that's...dark.

Riker: They were all "me, me, me." It looks like Hugh's individuality made it into the Collective.
Picard: Looks like we may have a Hughge problem on our hands. Ideas?

That pun hurt.

Worf: Distress call from New Berlin! They --
Riker: What? False alarm?
Worf: No, it's real, but that colony isn't on the list of places where Captain Picard knows someone.
Riker: Ah. First Officer's Log: Sucks to be that colony.

That joke is dark but still funny.

Data: My cat will reassure me that I am not becoming evil.
Spot: HISSSSSSSSSS
Data: I need a new cat. Perhaps a female one this time.

It won't be until "Force of Nature" next season when Spot will explicitly be called "she."

After Data's death she will adopt Worf as her new owner.

La Forge: It looks like there's an entire network of these transwarp conduits. It could even spread as far as Earth....
Picard: Don't be ridiculous. If there were one right in front of Earth they'd have used it by now.

I wonder how long it takes to make a transwarp conduit. Maybe they're still making the one near Earth.

Crusher: You want to put me in command? I'm a doctor, not an commander!

One of the Strange New Worlds collections features a story where Kirk forced McCoy to be in command of the ship. It's a good one.

La Forge: Hmmm, there's nobody here.
Vast Multitudes of Borg: CHARGE!
Picard: Perfect. Your visor couldn't detect their body heat?
La Forge: Well, sir, it's not all-powerful --

It stands to reason that the body heat of a Borg drone would be rather minimal. As for the mechanical heat, no doubt they've figured out how to "cloak" that from casual scans by now.

Memory Alpha

* The meaning of the Newton/Einstein Mercury joke is explained.
* I had forgotten that Quinn shook the tree that dropped the apple.
* Data says that the anger was his first emotion when Q gave him laughter in "Deja Q." Oops.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Why didn't the away teams use the commando uniforms from "Chain of Command?"
* Troi says that the only Borg who had a name was Hugh. I guess she forgot that Picard was once Locutus.
* Phil also mentions the "Deja Q" thing.
* If the dampening field suppresses all sensors, how is Geordi's VISOR working?
* When Data says he'd kill Geordi to feel emotions again, a security officer is guarding the brig, yet she doesn't mention this to Worf or anyone else. Oops.

September 20th, 1993, "Descent Part Two"

Fiver by Zeke

The Episode

LORE: What do you think of my followers, Picard? Impressive, aren't they?
PICARD: I'm not particularly impressed. All you've done is teach them to enjoy killing.
DATA: You are wrong, Captain. My brother and I serve a much higher purpose.

And that purpose is...what? Gradually conquer the galaxy using a small number of Borg drones and one ship? We really did need more exposition on this point.

DATA: Yes. My brother has made that possible.
PICARD: He gave you the chip. The one Doctor Soong made for you.
LORE: No, no, no, no, no. I still have the emotional programme my father designed. I wouldn't want to give it up.

Oh, here we go. They really needed to exposit more about the emotion chip. Soong made it clear that this thing was just a program. It wasn't some key that would unlock Data's potential (if it was it would be useless to Lore), and Lore acts like he can't just duplicate the program. If this thing contains hardware that was omitted from Data's design on purpose, once again it would be useless to Lore.

Lore says that he's broadcasting emotions into Data in order to control him. I'm not sure how this is possible, since Data would've had access to all of Lore's schematics back in "Datalore" and would know how to block any transmission that Lore was able to output. There's no way Soong would've built into the chip an override command to allow it to push emotions onto any other Soong-type android in range.

So we are forced to conclude that Lore modified this chip to gain this transmitting ability. I'd think it would be simpler to install the thing into Data after modifying the programming and adding a receiver to allow him remote access to it.

Furthermore, what is Lore trying to accomplish here? Data isn't going to admit that he's inferior to Lore unless Lore pushes said thought onto him. And victory by brainwashing hardly seems like a real victory.

LORE: They're no longer simply mindless automatons. They're passionate. Alive.

Let's put aside the revelations from Voyager and First Contact about how the Borg work. The basic fact is that Lore wouldn't want these drones to be alive (or rather sentient, which is what Lore really means). That would interfere with his plan. The only explanation is that he's put failsafe programming into each one of them. So he's going to spend his time sending programmed orders to the drones, which will control humanity like sheep. And to what end?

TROI: Are you saying that you caused them to become individuals?
LORE: No, you did that. You and your friends. All I did was clean up the mess you made when that Borg you befriended returned to his ship.
DATA: Hugh interfaced with the others and transferred his sense of individuality to them. It nearly destroyed them.

You'd think Borg would be programmed to reject corrupting programming and restore to an earlier version in situations like this. Or that the programming conflict triggered their self-destructs. I just can't see "let them work through their problem" as a viable Borg solution to situations like this.

LORE: What's important is what I've done here. How I found my calling. I know now why I was created. No one can ever take that away from me. Without me, they would have perished. When I stumbled on their ship, they were lost, disoriented, they had no idea how to function as individuals. They couldn't even navigate their own vessel. They had lost their sense of purpose. I gave them their purpose. And they gave me mine.
DATA: The Borg aspire to the perfection my Brother and I represent. Fully artificial life forms. We are their future.

Again, we'll skip scenes in Voyager showing how disconnected Borg react to their situation. If the Borg were interested in shedding their organic components they would've figured out a way eons ago. Furthermore, I fail to see how androids are "perfect" by Borg standards. Especially since they're the antithesis of what they want: perfection via absorbing what makes other species special. At best assimilating Data and Lore would be a stepping stone to their ultimate goal.

CRUSHER: Well, Taitt, I'll bet you never thought you'd be serving as Tactical Officer after only six weeks.
TAITT: No, sir, I sure didn't.

Ugh. They know the Borg could be around here somewhere, Worf has no business being on the planet. And even if Picard wanted Worf on the planet, he would have an assistant who can instantly take over at Tactical when Worf is off the ship. The idea that Crusher is the only officer on board with any real world experience is ludicrous.

PICARD: Data, you must realise that something has happened to you. The Data I know would never have agreed to be a willing party to Lore's plan.
DATA: I now realise that my life aboard the Enterprise was a waste. My quest to become human was misguided. An evolutionary step in the wrong direction.

I'm still confused about how much Lore can influence Data. This seems more like genuine reprogramming, not simply influence. And Lore couldn't hack into Data and control all movements and speech remotely, what would be the point anyway?

LAFORGE: Data, just because you haven't experienced certain emotions doesn't mean they don't exist. Lore is only feeding you the negative ones.
DATA: Counsellor Troi told me herself that feelings are not negative or positive. It is how we act on them that makes them good or bad.

Yeah, she screwed up last episode. I'll skip this screed, but suffice to say there are 100% bad emotions. Racism for example.

CRUSHER: I'm not leaving those people stranded back there. An emergency buoy can transmit a copy of our log entries to Starfleet just as easily as we can. Ensign, prepare a buoy and launch it when ready.

Emergency buoy? I think you mean "probe", Beverly. Buoys aren't generally known for moving very fast (or at all).

DATA: All the Borg you have experimented on so far have suffered extensive brain damage.
LORE: Using the humans to perfect the procedure will allow us to prevent any further Borg deaths.

The logic here is as twisted as Lore's mind. My question is how Lore can influence Data this much without direct control.

LAFORGE: Lore must have told Data to take my visor because he realised I could see a carrier wave that was radiating from him.
PICARD: A carrier wave? Is that how he's manipulating Data?
LAFORGE: I think what's happening is that Lore is tapping into the chip he stole from Doctor Soong and somehow he's found a way to transmit part of that emotional programme to Data.

I've already covered the technical aspects of this plan, I'll just mention how amazing it is that people in 1993 could predict the full potential of wifi. At the time wireless networks were still in its infancy.

HUGH: You don't know the condition we were in when he found us. Before my experience on the Enterprise, the Borg were a single-minded Collective. The voices in our heads were smooth and flowing. But after I returned, those voices began to change. They became uneven, discordant. For the first time, individual Borg had differing ideas about how to proceed. We couldn't function. Some Borg fought each other. Others simply shut themselves down. Many starved to death.

We're led to believe that only one ship was tainted by Hugh, but that doesn't make sense if you consider what we know about the Borg, even at this early stage.

It's the "starved to death" that I find most intriguing. Surely the regeneration alcoves would work on a very primitive program, at least when it comes to basic power transfer and organic component maintenance. It occurs to me that the drones would be stuck in their alcoves, their bodies being maintained but their minds/programming stuck in logic loops. I don't see why a drone would be allowed to disengage from their alcove before the programming conflict was resolved.
*

HUGH: You probably can't imagine what it is like to be so lost and frightened that you will listen to any voice which promises change.
WORF: Even if that voice insists on controlling you.
HUGH: That's what we wanted. Someone to show us the way out of confusion. Lore promised clarity and purpose. In the beginning, he seemed like a saviour.

Would it be insensitive to make a Trump joke here?

RIKER: What happened to them?
HUGH: Lore began to experiment, trying to re-make us in his image.

Like I said, the organic is a necessary part of the Borg. Without it the Collective has no hope of becoming more superior. They would stop what Lore is doing.

DATA: I am implanting nano-cortical fibres in your cerebrum. They are designed to learn and mimic your neural firing patterns. Once they are in place, I will destroy the existing brain cells. We'll see if the artificial neural network is able to take over your cognitive functions.

I'm reminded of an episode of Teen Titans. Cyborg would have some interesting things to say to Lore, I'm sure.

CRUSHER: Helm, set a new course, heading three four four mark six. Full impulse.
HELM: Aye, sir.
TAITT: Sir, that heading takes us directly into the sun.

Yeah, and at full impulse it'll take half an hour to get there, not less than a minute. That's a big problem with Trek, they seem to think that as long as you're inside a solar system a quarter of the speed of light is fine. Well, it's not.

They imply that the trip from the planet to the star can be done in less than a minute. Okay, I'll Do The Math. Assuming an orbit analogous to Earth's, 93 million miles in 60 seconds is over eight times the speed of light. Or in other words, Warp 2, not full impulse!

PICARD: I just hope this force field has enough energy to trigger the pulse.
(he slides the tiny device forward, and the blue is sucked into it)

Is it weird that THIS is the part that I find most implausible? While I have no doubt that Data would be able to pull a component out of himself that could do this job, a random Borg component shouldn't. The Borg are built to power their components with a very specific power source and energy pulses at very specific frequencies. They wouldn't be this adaptable.

LAFORGE: You decided to go swimming, and when you jumped out of the boat you sank straight to the bottom.
DATA: I did not have enough buoyancy to get back to the surface.

Was his Insurrection floatation device a later modification?

TAITT: We need to direct a highly energetic particle beam onto the sun's surface. That should produce a superfluid gas eruption. If we target the right spot, the eruption would envelop the Borg ship.

This one sounds pretty plausible by Treknobabble standards. At least compared to whatever Lore is thinking.

LORE: I'll give you the chip our father made. It contains much more than just emotions. It has memories. Memories our father wanted you to have.

I wonder why we never addressed that one in Generations. I'm even more surprised that this never came up in the expanded universe. The memories in the chip would make for a great Strange New Worlds story.

(Data is holding a small circle with a triangle cut out of it in a pair of tweezers when the doorbell rings)

I get why this thing had to be redesigned for Generations, but they definitely went too far. We've seen the inside of Data's head, and there would be no room for that gumball-sized chip.

The Fiver

Taitt: The Borg ship is getting closer! We have to put up the shields!
Crusher: No! Keep beaming people up, and just polarize the hull plating or something!
(CRASH)
Crusher: Or take us out of orbit.

I never liked the idea of "polarizing the hull plating" as a more primitive form of shielding. Maybe it would be useful for weapons fire, but shields have to handle more than just weapons fire.

Taitt: Thank you, sir! Say, with almost all the crew back on board, isn't it funny that no one's come to try and replace you?
Crusher: They're afraid of ripping off "The Arsenal of Freedom."
Taitt: Ah.

Why would someone want to take the bridge, Beverly is handling it just fine!

La Forge: Before they took my visor, I could see an invisible beam radiating into Data's head.
Picard: Invisible? It must be from the One Chip.
Troi: Didn't Dr. Soong have a poem about that chip? Something like "Chip of wonder, chip of might... chip to succour Data's plight...."

Star of the night, star of the day, come to take my cares away. Make my life, always bright...

Data: (in Picard's voice) Geordi! Shh! We are getting you out of here! But we will have to hurry, Data is coming....
La Forge: I know it's you. The captain uses contractions.

Come to think of it, it would've been neat if the contraction thing was used as evidence of Lore's influence...

Crusher: This was a great idea, hiding from the Borg ship on the opposite side of the planet. They won't notice us for a good minute or so. Start beaming up the leftovers!
Transporter Chief: (over the comm) We can't. They're on the opposite side of the planet.

And that matters? I don't think the stated transporter range of 40,000 km has an asterisk that says "unless a planet is in the way."

Data: He said something about target practice. I expect he will send me for an apple shortly.
Picard: You must realize that Lore's orders are wrong, Data. Apples deserve to live free, like the people of Gamma Trianguli VI.

Usually I'm all for TOS references, but I think this one is a bit too much of a stretch.

Picard: Now that Hugh've defeated Lore, the Borg need a new leader. I nominate Hugh, you.
Hugh: Hmmm... I suppose I could be our Omega Male.
Riker: Isn't Alpha Male the highest?
Hugh: Not to us. We worship omega particles.
Riker: Never heard of them. Have you, Captain?
Picard: (hurriedly) No, of course not.

Hehe. The only way to make this one better is to capitalize Omega Particles and then have Riker say "I know those are important, I could hear the capital letters!"

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil also takes issue with someone who's only been on board six weeks being on the bridge.
* When Hugh, mentions Lore, neither Riker nor Worf are surprised, and they should be. At this point only Picard, Crusher, and LaForge know that Lore is here.
* Phil says that Lore has rights as a sentient being and shouldn't be disassembled. I would counter and say that Lore could break out of any prison you put him in. I have no doubt that Lore knows how to reconstruct an arm or leg if he destroyed one in an escape.
* Everyone acts like the metaphasic shields are the only way to survive inside a star, when they went even deeper than the corona in "I, Borg." Y'know, the episode that introduced Hugh?
* Why does it take so long to beam up 26 people? There are at least twenty transporter rooms on board, and each has six pads!
* I forgot that the emotion chip was shown in "Brothers." So this thing will have THREE appearances in canon!

September 27th, 1993, "Liasons"

Fiver by Wade

The Episode

RIKER: If I didn't know you better, I'd say that you were procrastinating.
WORF: Klingons do not procrastinate. It is a tactical delay.

He learned from the best. "There is no delay, it is the time that I have chosen."

WORF: I do not see why it is necessary to wear these ridiculous uniforms.
RIKER: Protocol.
WORF: They look like dresses.
RIKER: That is an incredibly outmoded and sexist attitude. I'm surprised at you. Besides, you look good in a dress.

I never understood the skirted dress uniform. Good punchline, though.

LOQUEL: You have no food on your plate. Are you going to eat?
TROI: Oh, well, actually, I was waiting until we got to the desserts.

Ugh. You can't make a meal out of dessert, no matter how nutritionally balanced the replicator base material is.

TROI: Oh, well, let me introduce you to some of my favourites. This is peach cobbler with whipped cream. Tarvokian powder cake. And this is my favourite. Ktarian chocolate puff.

"Tavorkian powder cake" must've been a typo, since we encountered Tavorkian POUND cake back in "The Game."

I was surprised to see "Ktarian" appear since I thought that was introduced for Voyager, and I doubt that Samantha Wildman was part of the series bible.

Then again, we encounter two completely different alien appearances both called Ktarian (the other variety was also seen in "The Game"). I wonder if this is a Rigelian or Xindi thing, where multiple species share a name.

BYLETH: This is unacceptable.
WORF: I am sorry you do not care for our
BYLETH: Bring me new food. I require a higher protein and enzymatic content.

If you want more enzymes look toward honey, tofu, or certain tropical fruits. Add in the protein requirement and the safest bet is probably tofu.

WORF: The Engineering sections encompass twelve decks of the secondary hull.

Well, that's unexpected. Although I suppose it depends on what you call "Engineering sections", as it would be more than just the warp engines.

BYLETH: I wish to see the Bussard collectors. Take me to them.
WORF: This way.

"Don't mind the two skeletons that have been baked into that bulkhead. I'm fairly certain that won't happen to you." Hehe.

TROI: Next we're going to go to deck eight, which is interesting because it's not really finished. It's sort of a multi-purpose deck. Sometimes when we need an extra lab or...

This is a surprise. Even if I'll accept that certain nonessential sections were unfinished at launch while people decided what to do with it, I'm fairly certain that all sections were completed in the refit during "Family".

ANNA: I knew from the moment I saw you that you were here to save me. I'll do anything you want. Just don't leave me. I don't ever want to be alone again.
(Anna kisses Picard)
ANNA: I love you.

The first line is fair enough. Any castaway who's been alone for seven years would be a little warped and needy. It's the second line that bugs me, that's blatant emotional manipulation. I'm reminded of "Groundhog Day" when Phil is desperately trying to recreate his successful date with Rita, looking absolutely ridiculous in the process.

PICARD: Anna, I'm grateful to you for saving my life, and I think that you are a warm and compassionate person, and I feel a great sympathy for what you've been through alone here on this planet, but I don't think that you can really be in love with me.
ANNA: How can you say that? Of course I love you.
PICARD: No, I'm the first person you've seen in seven years. I'm bringing you the hope of leaving this place. Don't you think that you could possibly be just a little confused right now?
ANNA: So you're not attracted to me.

Anna just jumped to a completely different topic. Or maybe it's just that annoying cliche that emotional affection requires physical attraction or vice-versa.

PICARD: You don't have to do this. I found Voval, the shuttle pilot, he's still alive. He can help us get away from here.
ANNA: I don't care. I'll jump unless you promise to love me.

Oh boy, is this pathetic at this stage.

VOVAL: In the logs, she described many concepts we found difficult to understand. Pleasure, antagonism, love. These were alien to us. We wished to experience them for ourselves. Ambassador Loquel was sent to experience pleasure. Byleth was sent to experience antagonism. And I was sent to experience love. Was this wrong?

My problem is that in all three cases the aliens focused on the most superficial aspects of these emotions without considering the possibilities of their true depth and range.

BYLETH: Lieutenant Worf was kind enough to engage me in eleven hours of holodeck battle exercises.
RIKER: Eleven hours.
BYLETH: Yes, I learned a great deal about the concept of antagonism.

After eleven hours of battle I think you've gone beyond "antagonism" into "stubbornness." Furthermore, I don't think even Klingons can battle for eleven hours straight.

VOVAL: I am sorry if our diplomatic methods offended you.
PICARD: No, on the contrary, I found your approach intriguing.

I find it interesting to contemplate how Kirk and crew would react to this scenario.

The Fiver

Captain's Log: Diplomacy time! As a precaution against plot twists, I've ordered all technobabble protocols disabled. La Forge and Data are already going through withdrawal symptoms.

"And Starfleet Academy has informed us that Wesley suddenly went catatonic at the same time."

Byleth: And I will condescend to accept the big one in yellow -- the color of cowardice.
Worf: Definitely feeling aggressive tendencies, Captain.

This is a rather clunky Insurrection reference. I wonder what Klingons consider the color of cowardice, it's probably not yellow.

And if you're wondering why "yellow" means "coward", the Straight Dope has multiple possible explanations, I think I prefer the yellow bile theory.

Picard: Shuttlepod One, Shuttlepod One. Hoshi, can you hear me?
Voval: Who are you talking to?
Picard: I'm just trying every possible option, that's all.

That Enterprise joke seemed a little crowbarred.

Troi: They're just different, Worf. For instance, Loquel is seemingly preoccupied with my figure.
Worf and Riker: Hey who isn't?
Troi: Why do I even bother?

Obvious joke is obvious.

Picard: Anna, please hand me one of your emery boards.
Anna: What for, sugarplum?
Picard: I'm trying to make a battery for us. I saw MacGyver do it.

This never happened.

Picard: Let me get this straight. You wanted to study human emotions, so your test subjects were a Klingon, a Betazoid and a man brainwashed by the Borg?
Voval: Would that skew our results at all?
Picard: Accuracy is futile.

A good point.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil has a speech about how little these dress uniforms look like dresses, especially compared to earlier dress uniforms as seen in "Manhunt" and similar. At least this time our crew is wearing pants and not pantyhose.

October 4th, 1993, "Interface"

(Geordi has normal eyes and no visor)
RIKER [OC]: Geordi, have you found it yet?
LAFORGE: Not yet. I'm starting to get some fumes. Ammonia, chlorine, potassium chloride.
(Geordi climbs up into the fumes to the next level)
LAFORGE: I can feel the heat from here.
(he crawls along an access tunnel)
LAFORGE: There it is.
RIKER [OC]: How far?
LAFORGE: About ten metres up the ODN line. Boy, it's hot. I'd say over two thousand degrees. I'm going in.
(Geordi reaches through the flames to pull levers)
LAFORGE: We're okay. I've activated the emergency suppression system.

Okay, let's talk about this interface system. Slaving the probe's sensors into his VISOR inputs, fine. My problems come down to the following:
1. Is Geordi consciously switching the spectrum that he's seeing from temperature, to chemical analysis, to straight vision, etc. or is the probe's sensors displaying information on a virtual HUD for Geordi? If the former, it would take a lot of time to train Geordi to interpret the various spectra, if the latter there isn't much point in putting Geordi in this situation, is it?
2. So Geordi is wearing an interface suit that translates his gestures to probe movements. This is blatantly ridiculous, nothing about his movements can be translated to the motions of a cylindrical probe. I mean, surely it would be easier to have a few joysticks in a holodeck where you are surrounded by everything the probe sees, where different consoles have different kinds of information.
3. We're not even given a handwave that the exocomp's replicator omnitool has been copied over to this probe. Even IF you could slave the probe's movement to physical feedback, you can't slave all possible onboard tools to this suit in a way that would be more effective to the joysticks I mentioned earlier.

(Geordi is the contraption used in Offspring and Best of Both Worlds, wearing a virtual reality suit)

I'm amazed that they kept this set for that many years.

CRUSHER: The probe is designed to respond to any movement Geordi intends to make. When his brain sends a message to move his leg, the interface should move the probe instead.
DATA: Apparently the tactile sensors are too low. I will increase the input.

So is the problem the signal being sent from the probe to Geordi, or vice versa? Because this seems like both, which would have two different sets of hardware responsible for them.

PICARD: Any life signs?
LAFORGE: Our biosensors are useless. There's too much interference in the atmosphere.
RIKER: The crew might still be alive. There's no way we can tell from up here.
PICARD: Will the probe be able to transmit through that interference?
DATA: The probe sends information via a focused particle beam. It should be able to cut through the interference.

I don't like this handwave. It makes no sense. By all means plant a breadcrumb trail/relay network of probes going down there, but don't say that experimental tech is better at a basic task than proven technology.

PICARD: How's life on DS Three?
HOLT [on monitor]: We're hosting this year's palio. The Ferengi have already been accused of trying to bribe the Breen pilot into throwing the race.

A palio is a sort of tournament held in Italy ever since the Middle Ages. Usually some sort of riding race or archery contest. Don't ask me why such an obscure word is being used when the focus of the episode isn't on it.

HOLT [on monitor]: Nothing at all. I wish I could say I was just calling to catch up on things. Nine days ago, the Hera left here on a routine courier mission. We were in contact with them for five of those days. Then the ship disappeared without a trace.
PICARD: The Hera?
HOLT [on monitor]: I'm afraid so. The Excelsior and the Noble have been retracing its course for the last seventy two hours. Nothing. I'm going to keep them at it for another seventy two. But to be honest, I don't think another week would make any difference.
PICARD: I'll inform Commander La Forge.

The Hera is Intrepid class, with a majority Vulcan crew. It won't be recovered for another ten years in a novel.

We haven't a clue what class the Excelsior was, it's only other appearance was in an Okudagram back in "The Measure of a Man."

The Nobel (Chakoteya made a typo) would later fight in the Dominion War. It was of the Olympic class (the one that with the spherical primary hull).

RIKER: Geordi, the probe has entered the planet's atmosphere and I'm ready to take it onto the ship. If you would like to take a couple of days off, I'll run the interface.
LAFORGE: The interface is calibrated specifically to my visor's inputs. It would take you at least ten hours to convert it, and those crewmen down there can't wait.
RIKER: The interface doesn't have to be fully compatible. I could run it right now. I wouldn't have the same control that you have, but it would still work.

Let's put aside the question of how fast Riker could have VISOR inputs temporarily connected to his brain, he hasn't been trained to interpret the visual signal. The obvious backup would be Data, it surely can't be that hard to run the signal through one of those hookup cables from "A Fistful of Datas."

I get that Riker wants to give Geordi a break, but they've served together long enough for him to know that Geordi knows his duty and would want to help people in trouble. Geordi can focus on the mission for a few hours and return to grieving afterwards.

LAFORGE: About twelve metres up the main corridor. He's trapped under some conduit from the bulkhead. I can't move it. I'm going to need more power to the tractor beam.
CRUSHER [OC]: Go to eighty percent of tolerance, Data. No higher.

What does the power in the tractor beam have to do with the power being channeled through Geordi's brain? Did they really program this probe to require more concentration from Geordi to increase power to something.

[La Forge's quarters]

(his Dad's on the monitor - played by Ben Vareen)

I watched Zoobilee Zoo as a kid, but of course I had no clue who Ben Vareen was until I watched Roots.

LAFORGE: Dad. Don't you think everybody's jumping the gun here? Last I heard there were still two starships out there looking for them. They've found no debris, no residual warp distortion.

Geordi may be clutching at straws, but you have to admit that he has a point. If I was in the Corps of Engineers I know I'd want to design warp cores so that if they explode people would be able to track it.

This is a big problem with this episode. Geordi's journey may be about letting go of his mother, but they never bothered to actually reveal what happened to the Hera!

DATA: No. I have completed the adjustments on the interface. I am now waiting for Commander Riker to finish moving the probe. Do you need to be comforted?

That last line irks me for some reason. It seems more like a Season 2 or 3 line, not Season 7. Data should be more astute than this.

DATA: I am using the time to catch up on my study of poetry.
LAFORGE: Data, there's nothing on the screen.
DATA: That is not entirely correct. While it is true the display is currently blank, this emptiness has a poetic meaning. Therefore it cannot be considered nothing as such.

The word "poetry" doesn't really apply here. Poetry by definition includes words. By all means if Data wants to search for artistic meaning in blackness it's his right, but he shouldn't call it poetry.

LAFORGE: Says who?
DATA: The ancient Doosodarians. Much of their poetry contained such lacunae or empty spaces. Often these pauses measured several days in length, during which poet and audience were encouraged to fully acknowledge the emptiness of the experience.

Of course this is the only mention of Doosodarians. I would argue that meaning derived from silence is different from meaning derived from blackness.

LAFORGE: Am I crazy to think that she's still alive?
DATA: Your sanity is not in question. However, your evaluation of the available information is biased.

Thank goodness someone was willing to say it.

LAFORGE: It's just that, if she really is dead, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Are you telling me that Jeremy Aster accepted death better than this guy?

TROI: What's your mother like, Geordi?
LAFORGE: If you think I'm going to start talking about my childhood, Counsellor, you're way off.
TROI: That's not what I asked.

As someone who's worked with mental health professionals I can tell you that this kind of nonsense is self-defeating. Obstinate insistence that you're not crazy will NEVER convince anyone that you're not. Furthermore, approaching counselling with the mindset that you won't let yourself be helped just means that you're wasting everyone's time with wheelspinning.

TROI: When was the last time you saw her?
LAFORGE: About seven months ago, when she first took command of the Hera. I went to a party she had for her crew. She wanted me to come over and see her, but I was really busy at the time. I mean I suppose I could have made the time to go and see her, but, you know, I just didn't think that. I mean, you know, I, I didn't think that
TROI: You didn't think it would be your last chance to see her.
LAFORGE: That's not what I was going to say.

Self incrimination and coulda/shoulda/woulda statements aren't constructive, and frankly Starfleet Academy should train their cadets to recognize this destructive behavior in themselves.

TROI: You're worried about the disappearance of your mother, guilty that you didn't see her when you had the chance, so you're unwilling to consider that she might be dead. Your need to believe she's alive is so strong that it manifests itself as a physical image.
LAFORGE: But she told me she's trapped on that planet, that she's in danger. Now, if this was some kind of wish fulfillment, don't you think I'd be fantasising her safe and sound?
TROI: No. Because that would be the end of your fantasy. You'd know it wasn't true. The more involved and complicated and unending your story is, the longer you can believe your mother's still alive.

They both have good points here, but I think Troi dropped the ball here by not considering the third option: there's an external alien influence here.

DATA: I have been exploring the possibility of using a tractor beam to pull the Raman from the atmosphere. However, the high level of interference prevents a positive lock.
RIKER: If we set up some sort of relay system?
DATA: That is my conclusion as well, Commander. Two shuttlecraft, staggered between the Enterprise and the Raman, with their shields adjusted to refocus the tractor beam.

I find this idea ridicuous. I would prefer using a small group of shuttlecraft above the interference using their tractor beams to maintain the position of the shuttle that's deeper down looking for the Raman.

LAFORGE: Well the Hera could have accidentally created a distortion that emptied out right here at Marijne Seven.
PICARD: Why here?
LAFORGE: The Hera passed near this planet just ten days ago.

This would've been nicer to know earlier. Furthermore, Geordi would've been able to come up with this theory after his first encounter with his "mother."

PICARD: I want you to know that I am not unsympathetic to what you're going through. Your mother's disappearance is tragic, but I cannot risk your safety on the basis of a dubious hypothesis.
LAFORGE: Captain, if I'm right and there's just one chance in a million that she's alive
PICARD: I'm sorry, Geordi. My decision is made.

Yeah, this is where you relieve Geordi of duty.

RIKER: I just don't like the idea of one of my best officers putting himself in unnecessary danger.
LAFORGE: I guess I feel like I should be the one to decide whether it's unnecessary or not.

Oh boy, is that NOT Geordi's call. It's Riker's. This one needed more discussion.

RIKER: My mother died when I was a baby. All I have is pictures, and the stories that my father used to tell me about her. I begged him to tell those stories over and over. When I was five and I went to school, I started to tell my new friends those same stories, pretending that she was alive. Then I started believing that she was alive, that she'd just gone away, that she was coming back. The teacher got wind of this, and she and my father had this talk with me. They told me it was important to accept the fact that my mother was dead and that she wasn't coming back. And all the hoping in the world wouldn't make it so. In my mind, that was the day that my mother actually died. I cried all that night. But after that, it started feeling better.

A good speech, but it would've been nice to have it earlier, probably in "The Icarus Factor."

LAFORGE: Your mother was dead. There was proof. There was a body, and a funeral. It was a reality.
RIKER: Geordi.
LAFORGE: If I could see a body, if there were wreckage, I could accept it, but my mother has just disappeared.

Again, Starfleet training should've covered this. And Geordi is operating on the premise of "I need to be convinced 100% that she's dead, anything less might as well be nothing." Complete nonsense. As we all know, only Sith deal in absolutes.

DATA: I suspected you would attempt to operate the interface alone.
LAFORGE: Did you?
DATA: I am familiar enough with your behaviour patterns to predict certain decisions.

You'd think Picard would've ordered the thing locked down ages ago.

LAFORGE: Data, if I leave without knowing for sure, then I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life, wondering if I left her to die. I couldn't do that. That's why I've got to do this.

Even IF she's down there, it's Picard and Riker that would be guilty of her death, not Geordi. By anyone's definition he's done all that he can, enough to have a clear conscience.

DATA: I will monitor the interface and attempt to keep you safe. I can not have you confined to quarters for something you have not yet done.

Oh boy, is Data dancing on that mutiny line. Starfleet has confined people for mere intent lots of times in the past.

DATA: We are at ninety percent of tolerance. My calculations show you will reach one hundred percent of tolerance before you are in range of the Hera.
LAFORGE: Then we're going to have to go beyond tolerance.

Ugh, is that a stupid statement. Would people on both sides of the camera stop acting like things like thin lines between safety and danger exist?

PICARD: Meanwhile, I will have to write this incident into your permanent record.
LAFORGE: Yes, sir.
PICARD: Dismissed. Geordi? I'm very sorry that you didn't find your mother.
LAFORGE: Thank you, sir. You know, it was funny. When I was down there, it was so real. I felt like I had a chance to say goodbye.

Well, now Geordi is in the same camp as Worf and Riker. The resolution of Geordi's issue was way too easy, though. I despise it when the writers run out of screentime to resolve the moral properly.

The Fiver

Holt: Oh yes, our ships are so much safer in fleets, like the fleet at Wolf 359.
Picard: Um... transmission loss, breaking up....

Missing first lines alert!

La Forge: Don't worry sir, I'm sure everything will work out. Starfleet declares people dead all the time and yet they turn out alive.
Picard: That regulation only applies to the senior bridge crew of the Enterprise.
La Forge: Mom's doomed!

Hehe.

Riker: Well couldn't we route it through the Holodeck or something?
La Forge: Oh please, like the Holodeck could control anything.

This would've worked better if the episode was BEFORE "Ship in a Bottle".

La Forge: The Raman is a mess. Dead bodies, flashing lights, fire. Why do we want her back again?
Data: The Raman will be issued a new crew to go out and die valiantly.

I don't get where this came from. The Raman will return in the game Starship Creator, but the events were set before this episode.

Data: I have an explanation. Geordi had his hands too close to my bread heater implant.
Crusher: Bread heater implant? You mean a toaster? You're a walking toaster!
Commander Maddox: (over subspace) I KNEW IT!

That joke was too much of a stretch.

Picard: Geordi, I don't mean to call you a liar, but isn't your explanation a little farfetched? I mean, ships just don't appear out of nowhere.
Riker: (over the comm) Captain, I've updated our itinerary with USS Bozeman.

This doesn't work. The Bozeman came out of a known spatial anomaly. There's no proof of such here. And generally speaking spatial anomalies in Trek tend to make themselves known.

Picard: I've decided your punishment will be to listen to my newest speech on the Prime Directive. Don't be afraid to ask questions.

You monster!

Memory Alpha

* They would've done the story with Riker earlier, but apparently it was too similar to "Emissary." I don't see it, none of the Prophets pretended to be the people that they looked like, even the one that took over his mother.
* The crew thought that it was scraping the bottom of the barrel to introduce Geordi's mom. I think they were being overly pessimistic, and perhaps a bit lazy. Any premise, no matter how "lame" can be made into a good episode. "The Thaw" comes to mind immediately.
* The script used Noble, not Nobel, maybe that's where Chakoteya got it.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Geordi asks for a tractor beam to pull the debris off the dead crewman before checking to see if he's dead. Oops.
* The ship is full of ammonia and methane, so Phil has a problem with the probe blowing a hatch. I would argue that for ammonia and methane to explode you also need oxygen, which Geordi doesn't mention.
* The holodeck thing also occurs to Phil.
* Actress Madge Sinclair also appears as the captain of the Saratoga in STIV. She's probably Geordi's great-grandmother.

October 11th, 1993, "Gambit Part 1"

Fiver by Derek

The Episode

TROI: You're lying.
BARTENDER: And you're a Betazoid. I thought so.

All Betazoid actors wear contact lenses that make their irises look a bit bigger than humans. I don't think it was worth the trouble since it was never pointed out often enough. I do recall how it was used as a plot point in the novel "The Minds Eye."

YRANAC: The man you're looking for was here several weeks ago. There was a group of aliens sitting at this table. He was asking them questions.

Yranac is a Yridian. What he would consider "alien" is a question. Frankly, I think that in the Trek future the term shouldn't be used for the humanoid races, only the truly different like Tin Man, Q, Sheliak, etc.

YRANAC: He was thrown against that wall and fell there.
(Crusher scans it with her tricorder)
CRUSHER: I'm picking up some Starfleet fibre traces and human cellular debris.

The inconsistent scanning range of tricorders is always annoying. Especially in a place like this where there would be no reason for a dampening field.

RIKER: You don't understand. I can't give the eulogy because I won't be at the service.
TROI: A memorial service helps to give everyone a sense of completion. Helps them begin the healing process.
RIKER: That's exactly the point. I don't want to heal.
TROI: Will.
RIKER: I've an open wound, right here. It hurts like hell. I don't want it to get better, and I don't want to pretend that everything's all right.

Every time stuff like this comes up it makes the events of "The Bonding" more ridiculous.

TROI: I know you're angry.
RIKER: You're damn right! And I intend to stay angry until I find whoever's responsible for the Captain's death.
TROI: That's pretty selfish of you. Do you think you're the only one in pain? Do you think you have the monopoly on loss? Well, let me tell you something. We're all hurting, and we're all angry. And whether you like it or not, you have a responsibility to this crew, and you can't just indulge your personal desire for revenge.
RIKER: That is enough, Counsellor. Deanna. I'm sorry. This is not about revenge. This is about justice. The Captain died in a bar fight for nothing. Somebody has to answer for that. Then I can mourn.

I think there's a difference between revenge and justice, and it's bigger than most people think. Troi did go too far, by the way. Riker isn't claiming a monopoly on loss or anger and frankly it sounds like Troi was the one that snapped, not him.

WORF: Commander, I am receiving a transmission from Admiral Chekote at Starbase two twenty seven.

I have to scratch my head at this name choice. Surely Chakotay's character had been written by now even if Beltran hadn't been cast yet. Why create confusion?

There is speculation that Chekote was supposed to appear on Voyager, but I doubt that. Incidentally "Chakotay" supposedly means "Man who walks the Earth but who only sees the sky".

CHEKOTE [on monitor]: I suspect you're right. The question remains, are you the one to pursue this?
RIKER: The Captain's death hit me pretty hard, and I may not be completely objective, but there is no one who is more determined. I won't rest until I find out who's responsible.
CHEKOTE [on monitor]: All right, Commander. I'm officially placing the Enterprise on detached duty. Your mission is at your discretion. Good luck.
RIKER: Thank you, sir.

My biggest problem is that the Enterprise has other missions to do. Riker should've been given a firm deadline. "I can reassign your next few missions, but remember that the Enterprise is needed on Planet X for Reason Y in 2 weeks, so that's all you get to investigate."

YRANAC: Ah, Commander Riker. I've been meaning to speak to you. I was wondering if you could move me to better quarters. I don't care much for the decor here.
RIKER: These are the best quarters we have.

Does the decor really change all that much between standard guest quarters? I don't think this guy is worthy of the fancier suites that the admirals stay in. Actually, this reminds me of that holographic wall thing that the quarters were supposed to have in the series bible. Each guest can configure it to their liking.

RIKER: What do you want?
YRANAC: Not a great deal, Commander. Just a shuttlecraft. I believe I'd like to travel for a while, see more of the galaxy. You understand.

I have trouble with the idea that a person can live in a shuttlecraft long term. Even a runabout (which we know the Enterprise has) would get claustrophobic eventually.

RIKER: Take us out of orbit. Set course for the Barradas system, warp six.

Enjoy warp six while you can, Will, the speed limit hits in two months!

DATA: Aye, sir. Commander, as Acting First Officer, I must question your decision to accompany the away team. If Captain Picard were here
RIKER: He's not.
DATA: I realise that, sir. But if he were, and he wanted to lead an away team, you would tell him that the Captain's place is
RIKER: On the Bridge. Not this time.

Actually, Will, there isn't any particular reason why you would be more effective on this away mission. At least when Picard takes charge there's a reason, whether it's historical curiosity, the need for diplomacy, or whatever. In this case Data can arrest these guys and shoot a phaser at least as good as Will can.

A key problem with this episode is that we're too far into the series for it to be plausible. The whole point of Best of Both Worlds is that Riker was mature enough to be captain. His antics here just serve to prove that Jellico was right. And you never want Jellico to be right!

DATA: Bridge to Transporter room two. Can you get a lock on the away team?
CHIEF [OC]: Negative, sir. There's too much interference.

I suddenly wonder who the transporter chief is now, and how well O'Brien trained him. I realize that it was too far into the series to introduce a new transporter chief, but giving these people names would've been nice.

NARIK: (more spiky, Harper-esque) I warned you not to push the engines so hard. Two of the power shunts are on the verge of collapse. We'll be lucky if we can maintain warp six.
BARAN: How long will it take to repair?
NARIK: I can try to realign the warp core. It'll take at least eleven hours, but I'll have to shut the engines down completely.
BARAN: We're not stopping. We can't afford to be sitting helpless in space. I want warp eight available in five hours, and I don't want to hear your excuses.

I hate captains that are this poorly written. I know that the short definition of "captain" is "wants the impossible", but Baran is taking things too far. He should be asking for viable options, like a nebula or planet with thick atmosphere, not this "rewrite reality to suit my whims" nonsense.

RIKER: William T. Riker, Commander, SC two three one dash four two seven.

The whole name, rank, serial number thing is just stupid, at least in Trek.

BARAN: Dangerous? It might be profitable. A Starfleet Commander is a valuable hostage.
VEKOR: Starfleet won't negotiate with us, but they'll pursue us as long as we have him.

This is another interesting screed that I could write, but I'll skip it.

RIKER: And what Riker might that be?
PICARD: Commander of the Enterprise formerly assigned to the USS Hood.
RIKER: That's right.
PICARD: Then you must be the William T. Riker with a history of insubordination. He was even once relieved of duty, during the Cardassian incident at Minos Korva.

This is a reference to "Chain of Command". I'm surprised that the name Riker isn't better known for that itsy bitsy thing called "saving the entire Alpha Quadrant from the Borg."

DATA: Perhaps these artefacts have a special value to the Romulans.
WORF: The Romulans?
DATA: These structures were built by the Debrune. That race is an ancient offshoot of the Romulans.

In the comic prequel to Trek 11 it was stated that Nero's staff was a Debrune artifact. Yet another example of the support staff trying to respect continuity even if the writers don't.

RIKER: A witness said they saw you vaporised.
PICARD: These mercenaries use weapons that can activate their transporter. It gives them the opportunity to beam things quickly, just by firing at them. That's what they did to me.

Are these projectile weapons, or some sort of energy beam that leaves a charge on the victim? Either way, there are further questions that must be answered.

PICARD: The site that I wanted to study had been raided. A lot of the artefacts had been stolen. The site had been practically destroyed. I wanted to find out who was responsible. I tracked them to that bar on Dessica Two. I must have asked too many questions. They captured me.

And you didn't inform Starfleet...because?

PICARD: What? Calder Two isn't just another archaeological site, you know. It's a Federation outpost there.
...
PICARD: They also have a minimum of two phaser banks and possibly photon torpedoes. Is that enough to worry about?

From Generations we know that planet-based torpedo/probe launchers exist, I just question their effectiveness in a battle situation on a planet. Firing on a target within the atmosphere would require thrusters which are slower than impulse engines, giving time for a counterattack. Firing on a target in orbit would create disturbances large enough to give the ship ample opportunity to return fire or move out of the way.

TALLERA: Do you enjoy living dangerously, Galen? Baran can kill you in an instant if he activates his control device.
PICARD: I doubt that he'll do that. I've increased the accuracy of the identification process by a factor of ten. I'm the best person to analyse these artefacts. Baran knows that.
TALLERA: He may need you now, but I know Baran, and I can tell you he's not going to back down forever. You accomplish nothing by provoking him.

A good point. I think that on some level Picard is enjoying playing out a Dixon Hill scenario in real life. He shouldn't be this dumb.

WORF: Commander, we are receiving some kind of signal from the mercenary ship. These are Commander Riker's access codes. He is attempting to shut down our shields.
TROI: That doesn't make any sense. He knows those codes would have been changed as soon as he was captured.
DATA: That is correct, Counsellor. He does know. Mister Worf, prepare to drop the shields.

We could have a jolly time debating whether or not Data has learned intuition since "Redemption," but I'd rather give the credit to his Holmes program.

The Fiver

Riker: Admiral, I'd like to find the people who killed Captain Picard.
Chekote: I understand. I'm sure finding them will help you deal with your grief.
Riker: Grief? I'm in command of the Enterprise because of them, I'd like to buy them a drink!

Root beer, I presume. It's so cloying and bubbly and happy...

Geordi: It's strange. These artifacts look like they've been scooped off the face of the planet.
Riker: Wait, so the Borg did this? I thought we'd laid to rest the Locutus storyline.

In your dreams, Will.

Baran: What should we do with the Starfleet officer?
Narik and Vekor: Burn him!
Baran: And what do we burn apart from Starfleet officers?
Galen: More Starfleet officers!
Baran: Suddenly I am overcome by a very strange sense of irony.

This Monty Python joke needed a little more meat to it...

Narik: Aah! The ship's just kicked into overdrive! It's going to explode!
Galen: The computer seems to be infected by an Iconian virus like that one time on the Enterprise.

It seems to me that a "11001001" reference would be funnier, but whatever...

Tallera: What's your malfunction? Why are you opposing Baran?
Galen: I'm just trying to prove that I can be a shady, amoral mercenary.
Tallera: Don't give me that. I know you're just a Mary Jayne.

I'm missing some references here...

Baran: So now what are you going to do?
Riker: I saw this in a movie once. We get the command codes for the ship and tell it to lower its shields!
Baran: Sounds like a pretty stupid movie.
Tallera: It was. I much preferred the two after it.

I know this is a Generations joke, but the Wrath of Khan interpretation is also interesting when you think about it...

Memory Alpha

* Gene was adamantly against space pirates, it goes back to the series bible. Rick Berman jokingly blindfolded the bust of Gene on his desk when talking about this episode. My immediate rejoinder is that there are few plots that wouldn't work with the right writing, but unfortunately this episode does not have good writing. I remember when SF Debris complained that Gorta back in "Firstborn" had more personality in ONE SCENE than these pirates had in TWO EPISODES.
* Shankar's problem with the episode is that nobody will buy that the Captain is really dead, so we're just killing time until the Captain comes back. I agree, if we wanted to do this story it really needed three episodes and Picard wouldn't have appeared until the end of the first one to provide the cliffhanger.
* The bridge of the marauder ship is a redress of the battle bridge. Which surprised me, I thought the battle bridge was converted into other sets after "Best of Both Worlds".
* The TNG Companion speculates that Picard may have chosen "Galen" to honor his old professor. My immediate rejoinder is whether or not the TNG Companion can provide any alternate hypothesis. I mean, I want to scream "DUH!" in the Companion's proverbial face.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil is shocked that Data would lecture Riker about the whole "captain's place is on the Bridge" thing, then lead an away mission himself when he becomes acting captain.
* Back in "Chain of Command" when Data became acting First Officer he changed to a red uniform, but he doesn't when it happens again here. I would argue that in this episode it was explicitly temporary (Data would've asked for a replacement captain after this mission) while in "Chain of Command" it was a bit more permanent.
* Phasers don't work at warp, yet Data tries to lock phasers at warp. Oops.

Jayne is an amoral mercenary in Firefly. I don't know where the Mary comes from.

Presumably it's a modification of the cliched Mary Sue (who did originate in a '70s TOS fanfic, incidentally).