Five-Minute "A Fistful of Datas"
by Derek Dean

Captain's Log: We're not doing much of anything right now, and I think we all know what that means.

Picard: Ah, Geordi and Data. Off to do a Sherlock Holmes holodeck episode?
La Forge: No, we're actually hoping to trap someone else on the holodeck on the pretense that we're being useful.
Picard: Well, just as long as it's useful.

Picard: (on flute) Toot toot toot...
Worf: Captain, --
Picard: Ah, Worf. Are you doing the holodeck episode this time?
Worf: No, I've been receiving complaints from your neighbors about your flute playing.
Picard: Well, do one anyway.

Bandit: There are many, many wanted posters of you, Eli.
Eli: Would you say there are a plethora of wanted posters?
Bandit: Sí, you have a plethora.
Worf: Do you even know what a plethora is?
Alexander: Sigh. Why don't we try this again without quoting The Three Amigos?

Worf: It's time for you to atone for your sins.
Eli: That doesn't really strike a chord with me.
Worf: Oh, ha ha, that's about as funny as a screen door on a battleship.
Troi: It's submarine, Worf. Screen door on a submarine.
Worf: D'oh!

Yellowshirt 1: Hey, losers. Shouldn't you be playing Sherlock Holmes right now?
Yellowshirt 2: Ha ha! Yeah, there's nothing like having your life put in danger by sentient Holodeck characters.
La Forge: Grrr. You guys are going to be eating cat food tonight.

Worf: So what are you doing here?
Troi: I love Westerns.
Worf: You realize you're just feeding the 'shippers by being here with me.
Troi: What 'shippers? We won't have 'shippers until next season.

Riker: (reading from PADD) There was a Lieutenant named Yar, who was killed --
Crusher: Will, that's not your part.
Riker: I can see that it's not. It's Data's Ode to Spot.
Crusher: You were asleep. That's his Ode to Yar.

Data/Frank: Howdy, Sheriff. Wondering where your deputy is?
Worf: Not really. I figured he was going to pull a Parent Trap and leave Troi and me trapped on the Holodeck.
Data/Frank: Judges? No, I'm sorry. The correct answer is that I've kidnapped Alexander and disabled the Holodeck safeties. You were right about being trapped on the Holodeck though.
Worf: Shoot!
Data/Frank: If you insist. (BANG!)

Troi: You got shot!
Worf: Despite your Western attire, you still manage to state the obvious.
Troi: But it's a holographic gun, it shouldn't hurt you.
Worf: It's not the spectre of the gun that hurts me as much as the spectre of the bullet.

Data/Eli: Ha ha! You got shot!
Worf: Is it just me or are all the Holodeck characters turning into Lore?
Troi: Actually, I think they're turning into Data and the speaker credits seem to agree with me.
Worf: Before long we're going to have a handful of Datas.
Troi: Or even a fistful.

Data: We reckon that these here ship problems are from our attempt at doing something useful.
Riker: Then maybe we should shut down all the affected systems until they're repaired.
La Forge: Ahem. This is a holodeck episode.
Riker: Oh, right. Never mind.

Data/Frank: We should do a classic shoot-out like they have in most Westerns.
Worf: I agree. What time? High noon?
Data/Frank: Noon? I do my killing after dinner. 7 o'clock!
Worf: 6 o'clock. I do my killing before dinner.
Data/Frank: (confused) Don't you guys normally bargain for a later shoot-out time?

Troi: I don't think you can beat Data in a shoot-out.
Worf: I agree, so I'm going to do something I saw in a Western.
Troi: A Fistful of Dollars, perhaps?
Worf: No, Back to the Future 3. If only I had more time....

Worf: I'm your huckleberry.
Data/Frank: Draw!
Worf: No, I thought we could settle this like men.
Data/Frank: You thought wrong, dude.
Worf: Then I thought we could settle this with technobabble.

Data/Frank: You won. You can kill me now.
Worf: Since my son is here, I think I won't.
Data/Frank: Don't you want Alexander to learn Klingon values, not human ones?
Worf: If you were any other man, I would kill you where you stand!
Data/Frank: So much for consistent characterization.
Worf: You're one to talk.

Alexander: I guess you won't want to do any more holodeck episodes with me, will you?
Worf: I don't know. I think I'd rather have you play with Sheriff Woody than Malibu Barbie.
Woody: There's a snake in my boot!
(The Enterprise rides off into the sunset at Ludicrous Speed. Ow.)


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This fiver was originally published on December 9, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Derek Dean.