Five-Minute "Schisms"
by Kira

Data: And now for my forty-seventh poem. There was a Lieutenant named Yar, who was killed by a big ball of tar; she once lost her head, and took Data to bed -- which was more than a little bizarre.
Crew: Groooaaan.
Riker: Zzzzzzz....

Riker: I'm always, tired, Doctor. Can you do something about it?
Crusher: Try some nice warm milk.
Riker: That's your solution to everything.

Computer: Cargo bay four just went boom.
La Forge: That can't be good.

La Forge: Hey! There's nothing here. Computer!
Computer: Hahahahaha! Psych!

La Forge: I think we should fluxise the sensor googletrons.
Riker: Zzzzzzz....
La Forge: Still tired?
Riker: Your boring me to death isn't helping matters.

Riker: Man, I'm beat. Time for bed.
La Forge: Time to get up, Commander.
Riker: Nuts.

Mott: What will it be today, Lieutenant? Shampoo? Shave? Highlights?
Worf: That would bring out my cheekbones....
Mott: You know what you need? A manicure.
Worf: Now you've gone too far.

Data: Your trip to Sickbay did not take long.
La Forge: What are you talking about? I've been gone for over an hour.
Data: Impossible.
La Forge: Time flies when you're having fun.
Data: It does seem that the passage of time is accelerated when boring coworkers are absent.

Riker: You're driving all wrong, Ensign. Here, let me do it.
Ensign: Sir, aren't First Officers notoriously crash-prone when they pilot ships?
Riker: Good point. Deanna, you'd better take the helm.

Troi: Computer, show me the table that the others are remembering.
Computer: What am I, psychic? I need more information than that.
Troi: Just use your magic ability to know exactly what we mean.
Computer: Why don't you just use your magic ability to state the obvious to help me out?
Troi: Hey! That was an insult!

Worf: Say, this table looks familiar.
La Forge: Oh my God! We were abducted by aliens!
Riker: I thought that only happened in cornfields.

Picard: Computer, is there anyone missing?
Computer: Sure, but it's only a couple of redshirts.
Picard: What? Why didn't you say anything?
Computer: You didn't ask.

La Forge: Hey, it's a hole in subspace. Don't see that every day.
Data: No -- every five point three days, on average.

Lieutenant Hagler: GAK!
Picard: Whoever's behind this owes me one redshirt.

Riker: Next time the aliens take me, I'll wear a homing beacon so you can find me.
Crusher: What if they don't give you back?
Picard: Let's not be too optimistic here.

La Forge: (over the comm) Commander Riker and Ensign Rager are back safely, Captain.
Crusher: Ha! You owe me ten credits.
Picard: Drat.

Captain's Log: Will all absent crewmembers please speak up?
Excellent. Everyone is accounted for.
(A few nameless ensigns get left behind at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 6, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Carolyn Paterson.