Five-Minute "Ship in a Bottle"
by saxamaphone

Barclay: (tinker, tinker, fix, fix)
Moriarty: Hi.
Barclay: Are you a hologram?
Moriarty: Yes.
Barclay: So you're not real?
Moriarty: No, I'm real because I know I'm not real.
Barclay: Gah! Why does this always happen to me?

Captains Log: We're on our way to see the birth of a star...mostly because I want to see some stuff blow up.

Barclay: Hey guys! You're never going to guess what happened!
La Forge: Something weird with the Holodeck?
Barclay: How'd you know?
La Forge: Well, look at who I'm talking to.

Picard: Well, we completely forgot about your existence. Hope you're not mad.
Moriarty: Hey, it's not like it made me bitter and bent on revenge.
Picard: Super. Want some tea?
Moriarty: Sure. Meet you in Ten Forward. (leaves)
Data: Hey, he can't do that! He's not a drawing of the Enterprise!

Crusher: Well, if he looks like a human, and he talks like a human....
Picard: ...then we should welcome you aboard the Enterprise, Professor.
Moriarty: Jolly good. May I take a stroll above deck?
Picard: Yes, but take a deep breath before you step out the airlock.

Picard: So, no evil plots, okay?
Moriarty: Okay, but can I bring my girlfriend out here with me?
Picard: If we can figure out how. Remember that we're not on the Holodeck anymore.
Moriarty: I will if you will.

Moriarty: Well, if I don't get to see my girlfriend, then I'm going to be really mad!
Troi: I think we should wait before we do anything.
Riker: Yeah, let's wait.
Picard: Okay, then let's wait.
Moriarty: You guys don't listen very well, do you?

Worf: Uh-oh....
Picard: Uh-oh? What's uh-oh?
Moriarty: (entering the Bridge) I'm now in control of your ship, Captain.
Picard: Uh-oh.

Picard: Gimme back my ship!
Moriarty: Then gimme my girlfriend! Remember that big explosion that's going to happen....
Riker: Um, maybe we shouldn't wait after all.

Barclay: Hey, maybe we could beam her off the Holodeck.
Data: Sure, if we can lock on to her with the pattern enhancers
La Forge: An episode with Holodeck characters, transporter technology, and Barclay -- what are the odds?

Barclay: Special delivery!
Countess: The transporter enhancers?
Barclay: You know what they are?
Countess: Yes, because James told me I'm real. But I'm still a hologram.
Barclay: Gah!

Transporter: WHOOSH
Data: (over the comm) The holo-chair failed to beam off the Holodeck.
Barclay: Then we'll have to give up.
Countess: When a $100 billion device malfunctions, you don't give up -- you fix it!
Barclay: Actually, we don't have any money in the 24th century.
Countess: Well, fix it anyway!

La Forge: Hey, I think we've got control back!
Computer: Nope.
Picard: Damn.

Data: Geordi, think fast! (throws tricorder)
La Forge: Ow! That hurt, you idiot!
Data: You see, Captain, we're still on the Holodeck.
Picard: And you came to that conclusion because the real Geordi would have caught it?
Data: No, because the real Geordi is too nice a guy to swear like that.

Picard: We're really and truly working on a way to get you off the Holodeck.
Countess: I suspect that you are a deceitful rogue, sir.
Picard: Not at all, madam.
Countess: Too bad. I like devious men.
Picard: So I've noticed.

Transporter: WHOOSH
Countess: We did it! We're on the real Enterprise!
Moriarty: And it looks just like the fake one I had created!
Riker: Very well put.

Troi: So they're in a Holodeck in the Holodeck?
Picard: Yes, but to them it's reality -- which for us raises deep existential questions.
Riker: Perhaps life is but a dream after all.
Barclay: I know a song, sir, that fits right in with....
Picard: Another time, Mr. Barclay.
(The Enterprise rows away from the exploding star at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 6, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Michael Windham.