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Five-Minute "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield"


Captain's Log: We will soon begin "Operation Detox." Once we reach the planet Ariannus, we shall commence decontamination by rubbing a special gel all over its --
Chekov: I believe that incoming craft is a Federation shuttle.
Spock: Of course it is, you dip!
Kirk: Let's bring it aboard.
Spock: But Captain, it might be dangerous.
Kirk: Who do I look like, Captain Esteban? Let's open it up and see what's inside already.

Kirk: We'll just open the shuttlebay doors and -- AHH! Creepy half-black, half-white alien! What do we do?
Spock: Remain calm and remember this episode is about racial tolerance.
Kirk: I dunno...real aliens are just one color....
Spock: Jim!
Kirk: Sorry.

McCoy: He's a mutant, a genetic curiosity.
Spock: I concur.
Kirk: Oh, now who's being intolerant?
Spock: I merely --
Kirk: Yipes! Its coming around!
Lokai: I didn't do it, I swear!
Kirk: We know it was you who stole the shuttlecraft.
Lokai: No, I mean I'm not responsible for my appearance, it's natural, I swear!
McCoy: Riiight.
Lokai: Shut up.

Chekov: Invisible ship approaching -- it's comin' right for us!
Kirk: Settle down, Jimbo. Explanation?
Spock: Jeez, after how many cloaking device episodes?
Chekov: It disintegrated and beamed aboard a --
Bele: Boo!
Kirk: Aaaa! Another one!
Spock: Another mutant? A couple more and four bandanas and we could have a hit cartoon on our hands....
Bele: Gimme Lokai.
Kirk: You're new to this, aren't you? We don't just give away our visitors.
Bele: I'll ro-sham-bo ya for him....
Kirk: That's quite alright, we've already done a South Park joke this scene.

Lokai: I spit at your superiority.
Bele: I look down on your inferiority.
Lokai: I give a raspberry to your authority.
Bele: I perform a noogie on your rebelliousness.
Kirk: I get the impression this isn't going to settle anything, so why don't I escort Bele to his quarters?
Bele: I play patty-cakes with --
Kirk: C'mon already.

Chekov: The ship's off course!
Kirk: What do I look like, the helmsman?
Chekov: But I can't get it back on course!
Kirk: Well that's what you get for trying to do Sulu's job.

Bele: The ship is mine, I control it now. Off to Cheron we go.
Lokai: Do something!
Kirk: What do I look like, the Captain?
All: (blank stares)
Kirk: Alright, alright. Computer, blow the ship up.
Computer: 10...9...8...6....
Bele: 6? What happened to 7?
Computer: Just kidding....
Bele: Grrr...you win Kirk, the ship is yours.
Kirk: Of course it is, I've got the deed right...hey, give it back too.
Bele: Aw.

Lokai: I say rise up and defy your oppressors...er...defiantly!
Sulu: But we have no oppressors.
Lokai: No? What about the man?
Chekov: You mean the Captain?
Lokai: Sigh. I knew that joke would be lost on you two.

Bele: ...so you see, Lokai is inferior to myself because I'm black on the right side.
Spock: And he's black on the wrong side?
Bele: No, he's white on the wrong side.
Kirk: He's right on the wrong side?
Bele: No, no, no! He's white --as in light-- on the wrong side.
Kirk: He's wrong on the light side?
Bele: Yes...I mean...never mind.

Scotty: Sir, we're ready to commence 'Operation Detox'.
Kirk: (over the comm) Ooh, I've really been looking forward to this.
Scotty: Aye. Commencing n-- on second thought, let's just leave this part to reader imagination....

Captain's Log: Woo, was that ever fun...well, now that it's over, I guess we're just off to Starbase 4.

Bele: Hua! Hua! I have burned out your computer, I control the ship once more!
Kirk: But I've still got the de-- hey! How do you keep pilfering that?

Lokai: You can't let him steal your prisoner, kill him!
Kirk: Mmm....
Bele: Don't tell me you're taking his request under consideration?
Kirk: No, it's just that the way you two are standing, I'm reminded of an Oreo cookie. Mmm, double stuff....
Spock: Sir, coming into visual range of Cheron now. It appears everyone on the planet killed everyone else.
Kirk: I can feel the good in you, let go of your hate!
Lokai and Bele: It is... too late for us.

Spock: Captain, they've chased each other through the halls and beamed down to the planet.
Kirk: Whew, glad to get rid of those two. I was getting hungry.
Spock: This is where we take note of the destructiveness of hate, right?
Kirk: Yes, of course. Because we all know it's impossible to go wrong with the light side.
Spock: I'm not quite sure how to argue with that.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 9, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, IJD GAF.