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Five-Minute "Whom Gods Destroy"

by Nic Corelli

Captain's Log: We are orbiting Elba II, where the Federation's infamous mental hospital, home of the most deranged lunatics ever, is located. We are, of course, planning to beam down and spend a lot of time there. And anyone who believes this mission will proceed calmly and peacefully should kindly return to kindergarten.

Kirk: So Garth was a brilliant Starfleet Captain before he went nuts? That's shocking.
Governor: Our research says one of the frequent symptoms of starship captaincy really is insanity. Right after the hair loss.
Kirk: Oh my. Really?
Governor: Well, in some female Captains it's a bit different -- massive hair growth first, insanity later. And don't even get me started on the bearded Admirals.

Governor: So the clown and the Ferengi in a gorilla suit walk into a bar and-- BWAHAHA! (shapeshifts into Garth)
Garth: Why hello! Welcome to the Nuthouse!
Kirk: Wow! How did you shapeshift like that? Are you a Chameloid?
Garth: We don't hear about the Chameloids till Star Trek VI. Please stop breaching the continuity.
Kirk: So what are you, then?
Garth: A Changeling, of course! What a stupid question.

Kirk: What has happened with him?
Governor: It appears he has gained the ability of shapeshifting. It was quite obvious a minute ago.
Kirk: But what does he want? What is his goal?
Governor: To enforce the rule of the Dominion, of course! What a stupid question.

Garth: I am Lord Garth, and they call me Master of the Universe!
Kirk: Why don't they call you Skeletor?
Garth: Enough with the silly cartoon references! I will have none of that! Now give me control of your ship!
Kirk: I will not.
Garth: By the power of Greyskull, oh yes you will! (shapeshifts into Kirk)

Kirk (Garth): Beam me up, Scotty!
Scotty: What is the secret code?
Kirk (Garth): Um...
Scotty: Snow White and the Seven...?
Kirk (Garth): Um... Elves?
Scotty: Tsk.
Kirk (Garth): Hobbits?
Scotty: Tsk tsk tsk.

Garth: (to Kirk and Spock) I would love for the two of you to be guests at my dinner party.
Marta: Wheee! Can I bite their ears off?
Garth: No, Marta.
Marta: Awww, why won't you let me do that?
Garth: It's simply bad manners, Marta.

Kirk: Pssst, Spock... Create a diversion, so we can escape.
Spock: I can't do that now, Jim.
Kirk: Why the hell not?
Spock: Because she's still dancing.
Kirk: So?
Spock: She hasn't sung yet. It ain't over till the green mad woman sings.

Marta: Can I sing already?
Garth: Darling, if I wanted to hear your voice, I'd strangle a couple of cats. Are you enjoying my dinner party, gentlemen?
Kirk: It's charming. The March Hare and the Mad Hatter will be arriving shortly, I presume?

Garth: Oh come on! Join me, fellows! Mr. Spock, don't you agree my plan of universal domination is logical?
Spock: Hardly. You're nothing but erratic, inconsistent and illogical. Surely you're aware of that.
Garth: Well, at least I'm consistent about being inconsistent. And don't call me Shirley.
Spock: It's painful to see logic in the hands of lunatics.

Garth: I demand you tell me the secret code!
Kirk: Never! Try to guess!
Garth: Snow White and the Seven... Orcs?
Kirk: Nope!
Garth: Wizards?
Kirk: Nope! TSK!

Marta: Oh Captain, you are so incredibly attrac... MWAHAHA!
(Spock nerve-pinches Marta)
Kirk: Pheeew... Thanks, Spock.
Spock: Interesting. A woman tries to kill you, rather than smooch with you. Finally some logic.

Kirk: Okay, Spock, let's go get him.
(Spock shapeshifts into Garth)
Garth: HA! Fooled you! Now you shall witness my coronation into Lord of the Galaxy, Master of the Universe and Secretary of State for White Fish!
Kirk: When I kick your @$$, you'll fly all the way to the Gamma Quadrant!

Garth: If you don't fulfill my request, I'll blow up the green mad woman!
Kirk: What is your request?
Garth: I want to be the villain in the second TOS movie.
Kirk: Tough luck, we've got a cooler guy lined up for the job.
Marta: KA-BOOM!

Spock: Captain, where are y... Oh God, NO! Not the two Kirks again!
Kirk #1: Well, this is actually the first time.
Kirk #2: Not if you count "The Enemy Within."
Kirk #1: Season 1 is a big blur to me, after all the LDS.
(Spock shoots Kirk #2)
Kirk: Pheeew! You're good, Spock!
Spock: Nah, just a lucky guess.

Kirk: Glad this is finally over. Unless that was a trap and YOU are in fact the Changeling!
Spock: Of course I'm not.
Kirk: Say "Cowabunga, Captain Dude!"
Spock: I most certainly will not.
Kirk: Okay, problem solved.

Captain's Log: All inmates of the nuthouse have been successfully cured thanks to the drug we delivered, and I'm glad to say we have averted the threat of Garth taking over the universe. ....Or did we? Bwahahaha!
(Carmina Burana kicks in)
(The Enterprise warps off at Lunatic Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 31, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, Nic Corelli.